STINKY-O: Right *turns to MUSSHH* The illustrious PIZZA THE HUTT Inc. bids you welcome and would gladly offer you the sum of twenty cents.



MUUSSHH: Moo. Mooooooo.



STINKY-O: *To PIZZA* Buck and a quarter. No less.



*PIZZA flies into a rage, hitting more buttons on his console. Anvils begin dropping over the room, nailing people on the head*



PIZZA: What is this? Win Ren Klein's money? With me as Ren Klein?



STINKY-O: What did I say?



PIZZA: Fix it! Now!



STINKY-O: Er...*turns back to MUUSSH* Pizza asks why he must make such a waste of his hard-earned, blood-soaked cash.



MUUSSH: Mer- Mooo. *Digs into clothes and produces the greatest bomb of all time*



STINKY-O: Because he's holding a copy of BATMAN AND ROBIN!



GONZO: Holy extortion Batman!



WALDORF AND THE OTHER BALCONY GUY: Looks like this deal will be a...blast! Ho ho ho ho ho ho!



PIZZA: *laughing, though obviously worried* This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Dirty and, er, scummy. Offer him seventy-five.



STINKY-O: Pizza offers seventy-five cents. And I do suggest you take it. We've got to keep the plot moving.



MUUSSH: Eh, Mooooo. *Throws BATMAN AND ROBIN over shoulder, detonating in throng of people behind her*



STINKY-O: She-- I mean he agrees!



GARTH: Party on Wayne!



WAYNE: Party on Garth!



*CHUNKY is led out by GO-FORIAN GUARDS as MUUSSH looks out over the crowd, which is getting back to normal as Wayne Newton takes the empty stage. Bubba Fett nods towards the bountry hunter, but then his body slumps against the wall and it's evident he's sleeping on his feet. Then MUUSSH spies one other figure amongst the crowd*



MUUSSH: *Waving and hollering* Lando, did you see me? I'm he- er, I mean MOOO! MOOOO! MOOOOOOOO!



PIMP-DADDY ACTION LANDO: Crimeney! Can't anyone keep a secret? *Ducks out nearest exit*



DUNGEON INTERIOR



*GO-FORIAN GUARDS push chunky unceremoniously into his cell. As the last turns to leave Chunky taps him on the shoulder. The GO-FORIAN sticks his head close to the bars and Chunky grabs him by the head, presses their mouths close together and releases a stream of black locust-like things into his mouth.*



WHACK!



*The GO-FORIAN soon staggers away, coughing*



CASINO MAIN ROOM-- NIGHT



*Things are quiet in the gambling rooms of PIZZA'S CASINO. Night has fallen and PIZZA'S throne is empty then, from in the distance, the CLANG-CLANG of an overlarge bell can be heard. MUUSSH enters the darkened room. MUUSSH pauses at the entrance, then continues*



MUUSSH's COW-BELL: CLANG! CLANG!



*MUUSSH sneaks along, then strides straight into some overhead wind chimes, and she freaks out trying to silence them. Eventually, they stop thier gentle tinkling.*



MUUSSH: Whew. *carries on*



MUUSSH's COW-BELL: CLANG! CLANG!



*MUUSH reaches the HANDS-made coffee table, and looks the situation over. With much effort and even more racket, she shoves the Tripple Ripple block of fudge up against a wall and has a look at the doohickeys on the side*



MUUSSH: Dammit, I knew I should have taken that calculus course!



VOICE FROM HIDDEN CURTAINS: That's microbiology, moron!



MUUSSH: D'oh!



*MUUSH fiddles around with the controls for a while, succeeding in getting a sound out of it that sounds like a heart-beat. After turning a few knobs, the sound turns into a flatline.*



MUUSSH: Oh, CRAP!



*MUUSH looks around in panic. Finally, as a last resort she produces a copy of STAR TREK V from her clothes and throws it at the block. It explodes like the bomb it is. When the smoke clears, Hands is stnding there, black-faced, and slowly begins to fall out of the fudge-block. MUUSSH goes to him*



MUUSSH: Just chill for a moment. You are free of the fudge.



HANDS: Chill? I'm already freezing!



MUUSSH: Shhh. You have the fudgesickle sickness.



HANDS: I can't see.



MUUSSH: That is normal, remember?



HANDS: Oh, yeah. *searches his pockets for his glasses, finds them.* Who are you?



LEE: (Taking off helmet) Someone who loves you.



They kiss



VOICE: HOHOHOHOHO



HANDS: I know that laugh.



LEE: Santa Claus, right?



The curtain falls. Pizza and all his henchmen and courtiers step forth.



PIZZA'S CASINO MAIN ROOM (CONT.)



HANDS: Pizza! Pizza old pal, look...I was on my way to pay you back, and I got a little sidetracked...



PIZZA: You went to Alderaan.



HANDS: Right, then after that...



PIZZA: You took a run on the Deadly Star.



HANDS: It was right next door! THEN we started STRAIGHT out for your place...



PIZZA: Then you went to Yavin.



HANDS: Yeah, well...save the rainforests and all that. But after THAT...after THAT me and chunky said 'dear me, poor old Pizza must be getting real lonely in that drafty casino...'



PIZZA: Then you disappeared for four years. Showed up on some ball of ice called Hot.



HANDS: The Norwegians! It was the Norwegians you see...



PIZZA: Then you went to Bespin...



HANDS: All right all right! We never came anywhere near paying you back! We took the money and ran like hell! It's not my fault!



LEE: Actually hon, that does make it your fault.



HANDS: Lee, never understimate a Correllian's ability to make something not his fault. Remember your pregnancy?



PIZZA: It's too late for that Hands.



HANDS: The pregnancy?



PIZZA: Whatever. You may have been a good smuggler-- and by this I mean you were a bad smuggler-- but NOW you're...you're...



*PIZZA is at a loss for words. BOB steps up, whispers in his ear*



PIZZA: But NOW you're SCREWED! HOHOHOHOHO!



SANTA: HOHOHOHO!



PIZZA: Shut up you! Take him away!



*SANTA is clubbed over the head with a blackjack and carried away. A few minutes late the guards come back for HANDS, who is patiently waiting, and knock him out too*



PIZZA: (motions towards LEE) Bring her to me.



LEE: You'll regret this...we have...powerful friends...they work for Greco...



PIZZA: I'm sure. *begins oozing cheeze*



STINKY-O: Oh, I can't bear to watch... so I'll have to settle for this live-action video!



PIMP-ACTION LANDO: Outa the way, I can't see anythin'!



DUNGEON CELL -- INT.



*HANDS is thrown into a wet cell*



HANDS: Well, at least this water's clean.



GO-FORIAN: Heh, that's NOT water.



HANDS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



*there is movement behind him*



HANDS: Who's there?



*Chunky snorts*



HANDS: Chunky?



*Chunky roars affirmative*



HANDS: Chunky! *Suddenly realizes he's in a cell alone with him* Er... yeah...chunky...what's up? NO! Er, I mean, what's new?



*Chunky makes some sort of garbage explanation*



HANDS: I can't believe that! Tastes great, AND less filling?



CHUNKY: Rowrrowrrowr...



HANDS: A Jedi Knight? Marcus? It's all part of the plan?



Chunky: Rowr.



HANDS: So let me get this straight: You guys had to rescue me. So someone had the bright idea of just GIVING the droids to Pizza, putting you in jail, and giving over Lee as a love slave to Pizza the Hutt?



CHUNKY: Rowr... (Translation: Well, it made a lot of sense at the time...)



HANDS: Yeah, you're a regular A-Team.



CHUNKY: Rowr (Translation: We tried the A-Team. They're two cells down.)



HANDS: Do you realize that at this rate, Pizza would have been more likely to throw me ou with the trash then for you to rescue me?



CHUNKY: Rowr...(Translation: Yes, well, it was all a rich tapestry...)



PIZZA'S CASINO -- ENTRANCE



*Door of PIZZA'S Casino opens slowly, very slowly, revealing the birght daylight of Patoootie and the hooded form of MARCUS STREETWALKER. MARCUS pauses, then takes a few steps in. Suddenly the large door slams shut behind him, right on top of his cloak*



MARCUS: *chocking* Ack! Bloody crank!



*Marcus falls onto his back, digging out a crowbar. After a few moments, he has pried the door up a few inches, enough for him to grab the rest of his cloak and continue on without losing any of the dignity he came in with, which was none anyhow. A few more strides down the main hall, two GO-FORIAN guards appear, crossing thier weapons to block his path. Smiling, MARCUS confidently gestures*



*Nothing happens*



*MARCUS frowns, gestures more vigourously*



*Nothing happens*



MARCUS: Dammit, am i not getting a signal in this place or something? *keeps gesturing*



*GO-FORIAN GUARDS scratch thier heads, start gesturing back, thinking they're playing a game*



MARCUS: Come on! Wax on, wax off! Get out of the way!



*GO-FORIANS kepp gesturing back*



MARCUS: Screw it. *Takes out a blaster, shoots them both* The force may be strong in my family, but sometimes, ya just gotta live.



*MARCUS continues along to PIZZA'S throne room. BOB GO-FOR-TUNA meets him in the outside hall*



BOB: Misa whitee Skywalker. Jabba no pasa batu.



MARCUS: Hairball?



BOB: Yep. *hacks up hairball* Now get out. We don't serve yer kind here.



MARCUS: But I must speak with PIZZA.



BOB: In the going away biz, that's what we call 'tough'.



MARCUS: You will take me to PIZZA now.



BOB: You're not helping your case here.



MARCUS: What if I said I was here to pick up a delivery.



BOB: Really? Well, that's different.



MARCUS: I have a coupon here.



BOB: *Takes it* Oh, good. Come on, you can wait in the throne room.



*The two continue into the throne room, drawing attention from everyone as they come before PIZZA. Lee is there, dressed in a very, bery skimpy golden thong swimsuit*



MARCUS: Woah.



PIZZA: What's going on here.



BOB: Boss, this is Marcus Streetwalker. The Jedi Knight.



PIZZA: I told you not to admit him! What part of that scentence do you not understand?



BOB: But he's here to pick up a delivery.



PIZZA: Really? Well, that's different.



BOB: Here, he has a coupon for our services.



PIZZA: *Looking over coupon* Wha? You weak minded fool! It reads: 'Only honored on BABYLON 5'! *Throws Bob*



BOB: Ahhhhh!



MARCUS: *To PIZZA* I had come here with the purpose of freeing Captain Hands and the Cookie. But, after seeing the wonderful work you've accomplished *gestures at Lee* Boy, am I willing to settle!



LEE: Good, get me out of here!



MARCUS: That's not the only thing I'll get you out of, baby...heheheh...



PIMP-DADDY-ACTION LANDO: *furiously writing* wait, say that again! That's classic!



PIZZA: Shut up. Now listen: Your mind tricks will not work on me, boy. None of this reverse psychology crap.



MARCUS: What reverse--



PIZZA: I said shut up! You don't scare me, you and all your funky 'powers'. I was making hostile takeovers of Jedi industries before you were born!



MARCUS: Your choice. You could either profit from this or be destroyed, but I warn you not to underestimate my powers.



PIZZA: What powers? You haven't DONE anything except talk, talk, talk...



MARCUS: *holds up finger* EXACTLY! Heheheh...



PIZZA: *snorts, not amused*



STINKY-O: Master Marcus, you're standing on the--



*everyone stops, looks at STINKY-O, who suddenly stops*



MARCUS: Yes, Stinky, what is it? Something you'd like to share with all of us?



STINKY-O: Nothing sir. Nothing at all. i'm just a droid, move along...



PIZZA: Whatever. Where were we? Ah, yes. There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you get sufficiently bruised. Hohohohoho...



MARCUS: Screw this. *reaches for his blaster. A GO-FORIAN guard, dressed in red STAR TREK shirt and Secret Service sunglasses and earpiece, jumps at MARCUS*



PIZZA: Down the hatch! *slams fist down on button. Both MARCUS and a GO-FORIAN GUARD fall down into the MECHA-GODZILLA PIT.



INT-- LAIR



*Marcus winces as he looks right, then left for an escape route. The TRANSFORMERS theme music begins blaring all around him. He looks for an exit. At last he notices the neon sign between MECHAGODZILLA'S legs that reads 'back door'. He picks up his bone of death (tm) and makes a dash between the creatures legs*



MECHAGODZILLA: Ar ar ar ar... (Translation: Ha, ha, stupid *sswipe. This is easier than the time I kicked King Kong's hairy posterior)*bends down to snatch MARCUS*



*MARCUS leaps at the appropriate moment between MECHAGODZILLA'S legs and hits the 'approprite' spot on the robotic monstrocity with a mighty CLANG heard throughout the Casino.*



MECHAGODZILLA: Awwrrr... *doubles over*



INT-- PIZZAS THRONE ROOM



*Everyone looks away for a moment, wincing and holding thier crotches*



LEE: But it's a MACHINE! This is stupid, it shouldn't feel a thing!



STINKY-O: Actually, it doesn't.



LEE: Then what's with all the doubling over?



STINKY-O: Sympathy cramps. *doubles over himself*



INT--LAIR



*MARCUS makes it to the area beneath the sign, where the original rubber-suit GODZILLA-- er, I mean the original FEARSOME MONSTER had emerged. He sees a door, pounds on it*



VOICE 1: Whassa passwoid?



MARCUS: I'm about to be eaten to death by a giant, mechanized holy terror!



VOICE 1: *muttering* hm... it's an older code, but it checks out. naw... *normally* naw, thas' an old one. We don' take the holy terror one no more. New rules came in last week. Sorry. Got anything else?



*MECHAGODZILLA blasts near MARCUS, knocking him briefly from the door and singing his clothes. He gets back up*



MARCUS: How about 'I'm a Jedi Knight and if you don't open this door, I'll introduce you to an old friend of mine named ''painful hair removal from unusual places''?



VOICE 1: Well, if you're going to be bloody rude, you can just forget it.



*MARCUS cries out in anger. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a bit of cloth sticking out from the wall. He looks back to MECHAGODZILLA, who is trying to turn around but getting messed up with his tail, hand against the wall. Marcus yanks at the cloth*



VOICE 2: Ow!



*Searching, Marcus finds a hidden door. Upon opening it he sees a man with a unifrom on titled 'film crew' in a small comparment holding simple wooden sliding levers for the door. Crewman looks up, mouth open in shock.*



CREWMAN: Hamill, what in blazes do you think you're DOING???



MARCUS takes him and throws him at MECHAGODZILLA*



MARCUS: YOU FIRST!



*MARCUS flips levers opening the door, and a thin set of bars still lies in his path. Beyond he can see a spot on the floor marked 'Relative Safety'



MARCUS: Thank god, I'm almost there!



*CHARLES MANSON suddenly thrusts his face at the bars*



MANSON: Helter Skelter! Paul is DEAD!



MARCUS: Ahh! *Reels backward. Looks over to MECHAGODZILLA, now munching on the last of the crewman. MECHAGODZILLA, now fully turned about, strides into MARCUS' area.



INT-- PIZZA'S THRONE ROOM



STORMTROOPER: Wait, watch out for the...!



*Entire audience watches as MECHAGODZILLA hits its head on the top of the large release door with a laoud 'gong' sound, and staggers back a few steps*



*STORMTROOPER sighs and puts a hand over his eyes, shaking his head*



INT-- LAIR



*MARCUS looks around, having been bought a little more time. He spots a big, red button on the wall, the size of a dartboard. Sensing a way out, he picks up a skull with 'Yorick' engraved on the back, and throws it at the button. He misses*



MANSON: Hah! You throw like a GIRL!



MARCUS: Dammit, well, I'll just hit the button with the force...*Waves hand*



*Nothing happens*



MARCUS: Looks at Mechanical hand* Dammit, what's WRONG with this thing? I just got it replaced at K-Mart!



*MECHAGODZILLA is now bending underneath the large door*



*Suddenly Been-There's ghost appears*



Been-There: Cripes, boy, do I gotta do EVERYTHING for you? *Hits button, disappears*



*Suddenly siren lights go up and confetti streams from the cieling. MECHGODZILLA stops in its tracks



INT-- PIZZA'S THRONE ROOM



*Guards are bringing the prisoners in, several playing 'catch the MARCUS', tossing him from one to the other as they make thier way before PIZZA*



MARCUS: Hands!



HANDS: *looking around* What?



MARCUS: It's me!



HANDS: What?



MARCUS: It's me, Marcus!



HANDS: Oh. Great. Together again, eh?



MARCUS: Actually the last time we were in a scene together was just before the battle of Hot.



HANDS: Yeah, looks like the vacation's over. Where's Lee?



LEE: I'm here!



MARCUS: And how! Hands, you should see this dress!



HANDS: Yeah, can't be any better that time in the south passage. Mmmmm... south passage...



PIZZA: Shut up, all of you! Why is it I have to keep telling you guys to shut up? Droid, lay down the law.



STINKY-O: All right, here's how it's gonna play. You guys are all pretty much dead at this point, and Leia is Pizza's love slave. So Pizza will be pretty much becoming the Hero of the saga at this point.



MARCUS: What?



STINKY-O: Well come on you three, you're captive, miles away from any aid, and surrounded by people much cooler than yourselves. So, I've had a word or two with Pizza, and we've seen it fit that HE will be taking over Marcus' role as Darth Vacuous' son.



LEE: What, who's son?



HANDS: Who's what with the who now?



STINKY-O: Shh. Pizza will be the one going back to the alliance with Lee and with his best buds Bubba Fett and Klaatu, and they're basically be going to become heroes of the New Republic.



PIZZA: And get the girls!



LEE: I'm a girl, you've got me!



PIZZA: More girls!



STINKY-O: So, it looks like Pizza will be fighting the end duel, chasing down the scout troopers and dealing with the ewoks.



PIZZA: Ewoks? What's this about Ewoks? You didn't say nothing about no care bears!



STINKY-O: We'll get to that later. This movie is hereby declared a situation comedy and is now known as 'PIZZA-LICKIN'-GOOD'... and the three of you are scentenced to death. Any questions?



*MARCUS sticks up hand*



STINKY-O: Yes, you there up front with the sandy hair and the spacy look in your eyes.



MARCUS: This sucks.



STINKY-O: Yes, well we'll all have to do some adjusting. You there in back?



PIMP-ACTION-DADDY LANDO: Will there still be a pre-execution party?



STINKY-O: Yes, we are approved on the party. Yes, you with the confused expression?



HANDS: What's this about the death thing?



STINKY-O: Oh, that. The great PIZZA THE HUTT, er, I mean PIZZA STREETWALKER, has declared the three of you are to be thrown into the nearest waste disposal recepticle. However, this being Tatooine, the closest one is in the Pit of Carcoon, out on the Dune-ripoff Sea. There you will be thrown into the maw of a living trash compactor and slowly digested into recylable material which will be sold off to be used on this mysterious 'Death Star II' project everyone keeps talking about.



PIZZA: I hear they're taking it for a cruise around these parts once they're finished!



STINKY-O: Yes, maybe they'll drop by and say hi. Maybe let us see how it works. Well, anyhoo, let's get going with this. We haven't got all day.



MARCUS: You should have bargained, Pizza.



PIZZA: Wow mr. wise Jedi, that prophetic 'listen to me' tone almost swayed me. But then I remembered how you walked in here and just let me capture you.



MARCUS: That's just cooincidence.



*Guards take them away*



EXT-- DUNE-RIPOFF SEA



*A pair of Banthas appear on the horizon of a large desert. Moma, papa, and baby Bantha. Together they go romping off, a documentry camera crew for 'Wild Empire' following along behind.*



DOCUMENTRY DIRECTOR: Let's tag the small one with tranquilizers and put a number on it?



CAMERAMAN: Why?



DIRECTOR: Because we can.



*It sounds reasonable enough to the CAMERAMAN, so they get together, ready to make the shot with thier rifle, when suddenly PIZZA'S Sail barge and Skiffs appear, running over the documentry crew*



*Skiffs continue, the ground around them looking more and more like a junkyard. Old rusted cars lying about, rubber tires, empty fridg



INT-- PIZZA'S SAIL BARGE



*STINKY-O runs into R2, who is serving drinks*



STINKY-O: Get the hell out of my way ya bloody... oh, R2. It's you.



R2: Bllep do de de blap! (Translation: Crimney, Stinky, you just upset the drink cart! You gonna pay for all those?)



STINKY-O: *sniffs* I am now an imporant member of this gang. Look, I'm wearing the blue bandanna. You'll just have to make something up; I'm too important to be held responsible for a bunch of spilled milk.



R2: Bileap! (Translation: Yeah, YOU tell them it was only milk...)



STINKY-O: Now listen you, be careful. You're going to get us into trouble. They're finally putting those stupid rebels we've been stuck with to death and if we're not careful, us too. This is our chance to make something of ourselves, so don't blow it and do something that might accidentally save them from certain doom. Stick with me R2, and I'll be at the head of this criminal empire within months.



R2: Boop. (Translation: Yeah, run it into the ground within months is more like it. I think I liked it more when you were a heap of garbage strapped on Cookie's back.)



STINKY-O: Well who's the idiot who put me back together?



R2: Bweep-bo! (Translation: I was obviously drunk at the time)



STINKY-O: Droids don't get drunk.



R2: Buh-weep. (Translation: Which is a testament to how drunk I must have been. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on break; I'm going onto the deck to have a cigarette and laugh at Marcus' final demise.)



STINKY-O: Droids don't smoke, either.



R2: Bweep (Translation: Who said anything about smoking?)



*BUBBA FETT passes by*



FETT: What were you two talking about?



STINKY-O: Nothing, sir.



FETT: You two are pretty suspicious, you know that? Are you from the IRS? You are, aren't you? I'll teach you to mess with the most paranoid man in the galaxy, hippie scum! *reaches for blaster*



STINKY-O: No! Er, no sir, quite the opposite. I'm uh, taking bets on how the execution will turn out. How's about a wager? 10 to one odds on the compactor swallowing them whole, 20 to one it chomps them in half first. 5 to one it grabs them with a tenticle and draws them in bit by bit...



FETT: What are the odds they launch into the sail barge, smack against it, and fall in with a girlish scream?



STINKY-O: One of the favorites sir. 2 to 1 odds.



FETT: What about the chances the compactor finds them 'somewhat indegestible' and spits them back out?



STINKY-O: Yeah, right! Like that'll ever happen. The odds of that are 45 million, 263 thousand...



FETT: Er, never tell me the odds.



STINKY-O: What do you mean? I've been doing that this entire conversation!



FETT: Quiet you. I have other people to be badgering.



EXT-- PIT OF CARCOON



*The sail barge and skiffs rotate around the pit, a giant depression in the sand with a huge maw at the bottom, snapping and squealing. As everyone looks on, it proceeds to digest a mac truck, and then a very familiar looking vehicle...



MARCUS: Hey, my speeder!



HANDS: Your what?



MARCUS: My old speeder! It's getting torn to shreds like a burger at a fat camp! Damn, I knew I shouldn't have sold it for passage on your crummy ship! Now I'll never get it back!



HANDS: Hey, listen Jedi redneck...or sandneck... or whatever you call yourself now...



MARCUS: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! *Grabs HANDS*



HANDS: It's NOT my fault!



GUARD: Break it up, break it up! This is an execution, fer force's sake! Show some respect! Let's have none of this bickering and squabbling, we've got a lot of screaming and dying to get done with here.



*Sail barge pulls up. STINKY-O can be seen through the window, along with a bunch of other aliens*



STINKY-O: Raw material for the almighty trash compactor, his excellency hopes that you will die...spectacularly...especially with this on live feed on ESPN...but if any of you wish to beg for mercy, the great PIZZA STREETWALKER will now listen to your pleas.



MARCUS, HANDS, LANDO: PLEASE!



COOKIE: Rowr!



PIZZA: That wasn't funny!



MARCUS: Stinky, you tell that slime bag of worm-ridden filth, that he'll get no such contract rights from George.



PIZZA: Put them in!



MARCUS dives off the plank and falls into the SNARFLATT, who finds him untasty and spits him out. On the way up, Artoo suddenly sneezes uncontrollably and out launches Marcus's lightsaber, which Marcus catches it midair and lands on the Skiff.



ARTOO: Oh, ****, I meant to keep that blasted thing from him!



All hell breaks loose as MARCUS just starts swinging his brighsaber wildly killing everyone in sight, HANDS , CHUNKY and BILLY DEE fight, and MARCUS goes for the Skiff Controls,



PIMP ACTION BILLY DEE: *still fighting*: What are you doing?



MARCUS: Getting us out of here.



LANDO: What about Leia and the droids?



MARCUS: We'll swing around back for them during the next movie!



*BUBBA FETT LANDS ON SKIFF*



FETT: Ha-ha! Little did you suspect the presence of I, Bubba Fett, Bounty Hunter Extrord- *gets shot from gunner on Sail Barge, sounding off a loud 'DING'*



MARCUS: Cripes, I really hate those wordy Marvel comic entrances. *Several more shots pass over his head* Oh, what's this now?



LANDO: They're ticked off you're trying to escape. Now could you help me? I think...he's got hold... on layrnix...losing consciousness...



MARCUS: All right, let's get ready to rummmmmblllllleee! Hands, let's go!



HANDS *looking in other direction*: *iss off!



MARCUS: Right! *Takes two steps, but suddenly FETT is back in front of him*



FETT: Ha, thought you had me there didn't you? Little did you realize I, Bubba Fett can take several shots from a fully armed laser cannon and not feel a scratch!



MARCUS: That's bull. Nobody can do that. You're lying.



FETT: Yes, I am. However my capacity to be resurrected after silly and unsatisfying deaths knows no bounds. Now hold, while I use my most advanced gagetry to halt your advance!



MARCUS: Your...most advanced gagetry?



FETT: Yes. This piece of rope.



MARCUS *blinks*: That's pretty crappy if you ask me.



FETT: Listen Jedi, I'm the most respected member of a VERY well organized fan club. I have devottees all over the country. They demand the best, they DEMAND Fett. They don't get thier Fett, they get upset. Do you want these fans to get upset?



MARCUS: Um... no...



FETT: Do you want them storming down the Lucasfilm ranch screaming for his blood just because YOU got it into your head you had some right to stand up to me?



MARCUS: Well, I AM the hero.



FETT: Bah! Hero! I'VE got a HELMET! See? *points at chin*



MARCUS: Yeah... true...



FETT: And it's pretty cool, right?



MARCUS: Yeah... true...



FETT: And the coolest thing about YOU is pretty much your dad, right?



MARCUS: Yeah... true...



FETT: And is his helmet as cool as mine?



MARCUS: I dunno... maybe? *looks at BUBBA, then hangs his head, red blast whizzing near his head* No.



FETT: Excellent. Now hold still while I tie you up. *suddenly gets shot again, falls over with a Pinball 'DING!'*



MARCUS: Cripes, what a loser. Hands, stay here!



HANDS: I see dead people!



*MARCUS breaks into a run and leaps off the skiff, falling promptly into the Pit*



LANDO: The other way, moron! Blast. Hands, here! *tosses metal device in Hands' direction*



HANDS: What am I holding here? *sniffs it, tries to eat it*



LANDO: It's my pager beacon for Hamill's stunt double! Hit it already so we can get out of this mess!



*HANDS hits it, causing stunt double to fall out of sky onto other skiff and begins fighting*



Deadly Star, Interior:



MILTON: Well I said I don't care if they lay me off eather because, I told Jerryrod that if they move my desk one more time then I am quitting. And I told Vacuous too because they moved my desk 4 times already this year and I used to be over by the window and I could see the stars, but then they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler but I kept my Swingline because it didn't bind up as much and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler.



CONTROLLER 2: That's nice Milton.



MILTON: And I swear, if they move my desk one more time, then I'm just gonna blow the station up.



JERRYROD: Mil, we're going to need to go ahead and move you down stairs into storage B, uhh, we have some new people in and we need all the space we can get.



MILTON: Ok, but, thats the last straw.



JERRYROD: Say, Milton, do you know what would be great?



MILTON: No.



JERRYROD: Since you are going down there, it would be really great if you could just sort of, take care of the dianoga problem we have been having in there.



Enter VACUOUS



VAC: Jerryrod, the Emperor will be here in only a few more scenes. Preparations must be complete. I want disco balls, streamers, a Mariache band, and monkeys on roller skates.



JERRYROD: As you wish my Lord.



EXT. PATOOTIE-DAY



SARLACC spits Marcus out, still holding his brightsabre. He lands on his feet on one of the smaller skiffs.



STINKY-O: Something ELSE was spit out. The odds are getting better!



BUBBA FETT, now on the main barge having a martini, crosses his fingers.



MARCUS: That is NOT an experience I will share with ANYONE! I feel like ****.



MARCUS' STUNT DOUBLE: Hey, Ive been waiting the whole movie for this opportunity!



MARCUS kicks his stunt double into the pit. And takes down more redshirts. He jumps onto another skiff.





On PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE's skiff, they are hit from a blast by Artoo. BILLY DEE falls overboard and he slides toward the compactor.



PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE: HANDS!



HANDS turns toward the sound of BILLY DEE's voice.



HANDS: Yeah, what is it. We just got hit, I think.



LANDO: I'M DOWN HERE! LOWER SOMETHING FOR ME TO GRAB ON TO!



HANDS: HOLY CRAP!



Takes off his belt. His pants fall down to his ankles He leans forward over the rail and lowers his belt.



PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE: It's not long enough!



pulls off his belt. His pants fall to his ankles.



BILLY DEE: HERE!(throws up his belt. Hands catches it, barely) TIE MINE TO YOURS!



HANDS: Chunky! Tie this know, will you. I never learned how.



CHUNKY laughs and rolls on the floor. HANDS rolls up a newspaper and whaps CHUNKY on the head.



HANDS: Bad Cookie! Tie this knot NOW!



As Chunky ties the knot ANOTHER blast from Artoo rocks them and both fall and get tangled up in the belts. One of HANDS' shoes falls off and conks BILLY DEE in the head. PIMP-ACTION BILLY DEE catches the shoe, takes a shoelace out and lassoes the shoelace to the dangling belt. Just then a tentacle lashes, wraps around BILLY-DEE's leg and starts pulling. He screams.



BILLY DEE: IT'S GOT MY LEG!



HANDS draws his blaster.



BILLY DEE: Hey, dammit, put your glasses on!



HANDS(pointing gun at where he thinks the tentacle is-right at Lando's head): I don't need glasses!



He fires and misses. LANDO kicks his shoes off and the tentacle pulls his pants into the compactor.



BILLY DEE: You got it dead center! Now pull me up, Chunky!



As the COOKIE tries to get the three of them back on deck, Artoo hits them AGAIN, tangling them all up, with their pants down, in their belts. CHUNKY manages to get them back on the skiff with much difficulty. Everyone watching, including PIZZA, is laughing hysterically.



On the sail barge LEE takes advantage of the situation. With everyone watching the spectacle and laughing, she throws her leash around PIZZA's neck, and pulls.



PIZZA: My neck itches. It feels like I'm wearing a suit with a tight collar.



BOB GO-FOR-TUNA(whispering): Your slave girl is trying to choke you, Master.



PIZZA: Let her. She can't do a damn thing with that cheap, flimsy leash.



The leash snaps and her momentum throws LEE back. Marcus leaps onto the barge, hacking and slashing redshirts. He cuts off PIZZA's head. Immediately those left on the barge start eating him.



MARCUS: Go to the Gun! Point it at the deck!



LEE goes to the gun turret and points it at MARCUS.



MARCUS: Hey! I just saved you from that glob of grease over there!



LEE: This was the crappiest, most poorly-planned rescue I have ever heard of or seen! I'm not even going to begin detailing to you the things Pizza...did...with...ugh....oooh, I oughta blast your a** to Hot!



MARCUS: BEHIND YOU!



BUBBA FETT fires, missing both LEE and MARCUS. FETT takes out a brightsabre and ignites it, revealing a red blade.



MARCUS: Oh ****.



BUBBA: RESPECT MY ATHORI-TAH!



GL: Where the hell did you get that?



BUBBA: It's mine! I took it from CORRUPT-ANT.



GL: Give it here or you can't be in Attack of the Clones. Not even as a little kid.



BUBBA: Kiss my a**



GL's hand comes down, picks him up and throws him in the Snarflatt pit.



BUBBA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!



Meanwhile, R2 and STINKY-O fall down into the sand.



Lee shoots the deck and they all board a skiff and sail away, picking up the two droids with a huge magnet.



Deadly Star II-- The Sequel: Exterior



MILLIONS OF IMPERIAL SOLDIERS AND EQUIPMENT MILL ABOUT ON PARADE DISPLAY IN VERY, VERY NICE DECORUM. WING OF TIE FIGHTERS FLY PAST.



TIE #1: Bravo two, what's that coming over your comm?



RIC OLIE: Classical music. I love it.



TIE #1: I can TELL it's classical music. What kind? It doesn't show up on any of the charts...



RIC OLIE: It's O Fortuna, you know, by Karl Orff.



TIE #1: Are you sure THAT'S the kind of classical music you want to be playing right now?



RIC OLIE: Don't you get tired of the same tunes over and over and over again? I mean, come on! EVERY BLOODY TIME It's the same thing! The Emperor goes to the bathroom to take a cr-- and we gotta listen to him cackle as the same ominous music swells in the background! Well I for one am sick of it! I've been serving this guy for 33 years now and I'm done with it!



TIE #1: Hm... you know, that is a good point, that.



*TIE SQUADRON IN FRONT OF THEM DISAPPEARS*



RIC OLIE: Holy crow! The tie squadron in front of us just disappeared! What does that mean!



TIE #1: Some effects artists just got fired.



*SUDDENLY A TIDERIUM SHUTTLE DESCENDS ALMOST RIGHT ON TOP OF THEM*



RIC OILY: Look out!



*TIES COLLIDE AND ARE DESTROYED. SHUTTLE CONTINUES ON TO THE DEATH STAR IT MOVES IN BEFORE DARTH VACUOUS AND MOFF JERRYROD*



VACUOUS: So I says to him... Bernie, I says...



JERRYROD: *POINTING* The Emperor's coming HERE!



VACUOUS: Hm? Well of course he is! Didn't I tell you about all this weeks ago?



JERRYROD: Did you see me write it down on the schedule?



VACUOUS: Er, no.



JERRYROD: Well, there you go.



*SHUTTLE RAMP DECENDS. EMPEROR PALPITATINE EXITS, A HUDDLED, CROOKED AND UGLY MAN IN A BLACK CLOAK-- BUT MAN, DOES HE SMELL NICE. VACUOUS STEPS FORWARD, WHACKING JERRYROD OUT OF THE WAY. THE TWO WALK TOGETHER DOWN THE MANY RANKS OF SOLDIERS*



VACUOUS: The Rathy Nee Holiday Special WILL be completed on schedule.



PALP: You have done well, Lord Vacuous. Better than your usual dundering, anyway.



VACUOUS: Yes, my master. How was your stop-over at the wall-mart?



PALP: Splendid. *Lifts up action figure case* I got TPM Darth Sideous in his original packaging! Handsome specimen, wouldn't you agree?



VACUOUS: It should be a fine addition to your collection.



PALP: It shall go alongside my many, many dolls of Captain Kirk. Did you know Captain Kirk has an album out?



VACUOUS: *SHUDDERING* No, my master.



PALP: I shall have to buy it. See that it gets put on my credit card...And now I sense you intend to continue your search for young streetwalker.



VACUOUS: Yes, my master.



PALP: Patince, my friend. In time, he will seek you out... and while he does we can make prank calls to the leadership of the rebel alliance.



VACUOUS: Are you certain that's...wise?



PALPITATINE: We might as well do it. I mean, it's not like streetwalker's ever going to make it to u- oh wait, I haven't told you have I?



VACUOUS: Told me what?



PALPY THE SLIMY: I took charge of the situation a little while ago. I phoned in to my elite special task force aboard the Deadly Star II, my crack suicide squad, to take care of the matter. I'm sorry Vacuous, but he was become too troublesome. It's out of your hands now and... why are you looking at me like that?



VACUOUS: Crack suicide squad, master?



PALP: Yes, that's what I said, I...*THINKS FOR A SECOND, THOUGHT DAWN ON HIM* Oh no.



*EMPEROR DASHES OF THROUGH THE RANKS TO A NEARBY CLOSET. HE OPENS IT TO SEE IT FULL OF DEAD STORMTROOPERS*



PALP: Great! Committed suicide! This is just great! I was better off when I had Mas Amedda as a toadie!



VACUOUS: Master, Lucas is signaling the scene is about to end...if you want to get anything sinister off your chest, you'd better say it in the next few seconds. Maybe something like 'everything is procee-'



PALP: Now I'll have to re-think this ENTIRE scenario!







EXT YOGA'S HOUSE-DAYGLOBAH-NIGHT



Once again Artoo finds himself waiting around in the environs of the swamp planet tied to a tree so he doesn't run off. He beeps obscenities and looks longingly at the cottage. Warm yellow light escapes from-



ARTOO: Beep, fadeet, rrreeep tidle beeb beep, pazooooooooo. (Translation: Stop! The light just reminds me of how cold and miserable I am while Marcus sits in that hut all warm and cozy. After all I've done for that man you'd think he would let me inside just this once, but hey- I'm just a droid.



YOGA'S HUT: INT.--



*MARCUS is sitting in YOGA'S Hut.*



YOGA: That face you make. Look I so old to your eyes?



MARCUS: No... of course not.



YOGA: (Chuckles) I do, Yes, I do.



MARCUS: No, you don't.



YOGA: (looks off to director's chair. Lucas shrugs back Yoga mumbles to himself) His line, this is not. Fix Hamill's acting as I did back in ESB, I must. (waves hand, speaking louder) Yes, I DO.



MARCUS: No... of course not.



YOGA: (waves hand again,) Yes, I DO!



*WATTOO'S head stick up through YOGA'S window*



WATTOO: NO... you DON'T! What, you think you some kind of Jedi waving your hand about like that?



*YOGA shoots force lightning at him. WATTOO disappears*



YOGA: Bloody hell. Pick this up from the beginning, we must. Aherm...Sick have I become, old and weak. (points a crooked finger) When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good, you will not, hmm?



MARCUS: Are you trying to insult me?



YOGA: Hey, falling apart, even the Mona Lisa is. Held together well, have I. At least, better than that insepid caretaker SuperGrover you stuck me with, over there.



SUPERGROVER: (coming over) Here you go master! I cooked you your broth. Mmmm. Good food! Mmmm!



YOGA: (knocks over bowl) Bah! Need no broth, do I! My flashlight from ESB only to entertain myself, do I need!



SUPERGROVER: (sighs) Here you go...



YOGA: Hoooohohohooo! (Begins shining the light in his own eyes)



MARCUS: Um... I thought the senile thing with the light was just supposed to be an act...



SUPERGROVER: You would think that, wouldn't you?



MARCUS: Hey... wait a second... don't you two notice something?



*YOGA and SUPERGROVER look up*



YOGA and SUPERGROVER: Yes?



MARCUS: You two sound exactly alike.



YOGA and SUPERGROVER: No, we don't. What? (the two look at each other and continue speaking in unison) Stop that! No, you stop that! Stop saying what I'm saying. No, stop! You're making us sound the same! Stop!



*YOGA shoots force lightning at SUPERGROVER. SUPERGROVER disappears*



YOGA: Better hired help, you must find in the future.



MARCUS: I'll think twice before choosing a muppet.



YOGA: (holding up hand that shoots the lightning) Something agianst muppets, have you?



MARCUS: Er... no.



YOGA: Good. Now where were we? Oh yes... Soon I will rest. Forever sleep. Earned it I have.



MARCUS: You earned biting the big one?



YOGA: Watched the Prequel trilogy have you?



MARCUS: I'll go see it after we finish these films.



YOGA: When see them you do, get what I mean, you will. Now tuck me into bed already.



*Marcus tucks in YOGA*



YOGA: Yes... strong am I with the force. But not that strong. Twilight is upon me, and soon, night must fall. That is the way of things. The way of the force.



MARCUS: Really?



YOGA: No, I've got lung cancer.



MARCUS: Oh. That sucks.



YOGA: All that smoking when I was a teenager, I did. All Mace Windy's fault, this is. Peer pressure, it was.



MARCUS: But I need your help. I've come back to complete the training.



YOGA: No more training do you require. Already know you, that which you need.



MARCUS: Then I am a Jedi?



YOGA: Ohhh! You mean to be a Jedi? Whoops. Nowhere close, are you. Thought you meant training for running through the swamp and lifting rocks, I did. Sorry.



MARCUS: But how am I supposed to become a Jedi, then?



YOGA: Vacuous... you must confront Vacuous...only then, a Jedi will you be. And confront him you will.



MARCUS: But you just said I'm not trained!



YOGA: Yes. Chopped liver, you are.



*Overjoyed squeal from R2 comes from outside. The two look over, then go back to thier conversation*



MARCUS: Master Yoga... is Darth Vacuous my father?



YOGA: (Rolls eyes) Oh... not this again... on all the chatrooms it has been. Need this, I do not. Lung Cancer, I have.



MARCUS: Yoga, I must know.



YOGA: Well... er...your father he is not. Ob-Ewan is your father. Wait, told you did he?



MARCUS: Yes.



YOGA: And you...didn't know?



MARCUS: What? Of course I didn't know. Why, who did?



YOGA: Well, just about everyone, actually, well they know he's your father, only it was actually Ob-Ewan, you see Vader was married to your mother. Had an affair with Ob-Ewan, she did.



MARCUS: EVERYONE? Why didn't Ben tell me the truth?



YOGA: Hey, I'm about to die here, so I'll tell you one more thing: There is another Streetwalker. Goodbye.



YOGA dies and becomes one with the Force.



EXT-- DAYGLOBAH



*MARCUS walks back out out to his X-Wing, his face remorseful. He looks back to the quaint little hut of Yoda, seeing the calm, warm fires burning within.*



MARCUS: Guess it's up to me now.



*MARCUS sighs, hangs his head, then takes out the detonator to the explosives he has just set beneath Yoda's bed, pressing the button and detonating the structure, destroying all evidence. He then goes and kneels next to R2 by his X-Wing*



MARCUS: I can't do it R2. I can't go on alone.



R2: (Beeping excitedly) Bwoop-de-bwoop! (Translation: That's the idea.)



FAMILIAR VOICE: Yoga will always be with you.



MARCUS: (looking around) Oh! That's comforting to know.



FAMILIAR VOICE: Yes. Too bad it's a lie. Considering you startled him to death, I'd be apt to have stormtroopers fry your carcass and leave it in the desert for your step-nephew to find.



MARCUS: (turning around, sees Been-there's ghost looking over him) Been-there. Been-there, why didn't you tell me?



BEEN-THERE: Tell you what?



MARCUS: You told me Vacuous betrayed and murdered my father.



BEEN-THERE: Did I?



MARCUS: Uh, YEAH!



BEEN-THERE: Oh, I must have meant me. He betrayed and murdered me.



MARCUS: Huh? What do you mean?



BEEN-THERE: Well, he murdered me didn't he? You saw it!



MARCUS: Uh, yeah... I guess.



BEEN-THERE: See? (takes out kleenex, wipes his forehead) Whew. Close one. Anyway, your kinda sorta uncle- the brother of your uncle wo wasn't your uncle because he wasn't really related to you was seduced by the Dark Side of the force. He ceased to be Manakin Streetwalker and became Darth Vacuous. When that happened, the punk who was your erm, uncle was destroyed. So even if I HAD meant Manakin, what I told you was still true. From a certain way of lying.



MARCUS: A CERTAIN WAY OF LYING?



BEEN-THERE: (Nodding, smiling) Yes.



*WHACK!*



MARCUS: That's pretty quaydamn weak.



BEEN-THERE: Oh. Uh... well I guess it's a good thing I didn't mean it to begin with, eh? Marcus, you're going to find that the many truths we cling to are really just a bunch of lies.



MARCUS: Lies? What about the Jedi? The Force?



BEEN-THERE: Well, look where it got me! The important truth, Marcus, is to always kick people when they're down. But, anyway... Manakin was a good friend. When I first knew him, your uncle of sorts was already an arrogant little brat, but I was...



VOICE OF LI-GON: AH-HEM!



BEEN-THERE: Er... well, SOMEONE was amazed at how strongly the Force was with him. I was straddled with making him a Jedi. I thought that I could just ditch him and cruise the galaxy for women and beer. I was wrong.



MARCUS: There's still good in him.



BEEN-THERE: Where did you get that idea from?



MARCUS: Page 60 from the script.



BEEN-THERE: Look, when was the last time you saw your uncle?



MARCUS: Cloud city.



BEEN-THERE: Didn't he put your best friend into the deep freeze and cut off your hand in Cloud City?



MARCUS: Well, yeah.



BEEN-THERE: And after that long, painful, sordid experience, where, pray tell, did you get the inkling of a notion your uncle still had good in him????



MARCUS: Page 60 from the script.



BEEN-THERE: Look, he's more machine now, then man, twisted and evil. More so than the usual twisted and evil. He's just become... like... totally twisted.



MARCUS: And evil.



BEEN-THERE: Yes.



MARCUS: I can't do it Been. I can't kill my own uncle.



BEEN-THERE: Then the Emperor has already won. Well, I mean, besides the part where he took over the entire galaxy and made it a wretched dictatorship. You were our only hope...which you gotta admit, was pretty desperate.



MARCUS: Yoga spoke of another.



BEEN-THERE: Ah. The other he spoke of is your twin sister.



MARCUS: But I have no sister.



BEEN-THERE: To protect you from the Emperor, you were both hidden when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, that if Anakin were to have any offspring, they could spawn a spinoff saga of movies. And the Emporer still believes you are Manakin's son.....



MARCUS: You mean, like Star Trek?



BEEN-THERE: Ah, you see? Now you understand.



MARCUS: LEE! Lee is my sister!



BEEN-THERE: You insight serves you well. Hm. Too bad they weren't working so well for you back there on Hot.



MANAKIN: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW



EXT. SPAVE (heh-heh)



Many tiny STARFIGHTERS are buzzing around several REBELLIOUS CRUISERS, and are massing around the HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE



INT. HEADQUARTERS FRIGATE-BRIEFING ROOM



There is a large crowd of REBEL SCUM sitting around a large hologram of the FOREST MOON OF ENDORPHIN and the new DEADLY STAR, which orbits it. MAMA MOTHBALL

stands in front of it. She holds a mike.



HANDS: Wow, Billy Dee, you're a general? Jab Jab was made a general, sure, but you?



BILLY DEE: I'm over here. That's General Nadine, and he's not even black.



Hands turns around



BILLY DEE: Anyway, someone must have told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Tanaab.



HANDS: All you did was blast away a couple of key alien ships in an attempt to retreat, then when you couldn't escape you were so angry you opened a can of whoopa** on the flagship, winning the battle for everyone.



BILLY DEE: But I did destroy the three ships.



HANDS: But only after you tried to chicken out. It wasn't bravery, it was pure cowardice, followed by rage.



BILLY DEE: I won the battle.



HANDS: Whatever.



The briefing starts



MAMA: Good morning. (Then, to get their attention) GOOD MORNING!



Everyone snaps to attention.



MAMA: I don't know what crack the Imperials have been smokin' but the ****** up big time! Most of the Imperious fleet are away from the new Deadly star in a vain attempt to engage us, leaving the station relatively unprotected, and the Umporer himself is gonna be on it to personally oversee it's final stages of construction!



WEDGE: It's too easy. Way too easy! It's gotta be a trap.



MAMA: The Chair does not recognize the Senator from Rogue Squadron at this time.

Now may I present to you Admiral Fishhead, who speaks on our behalf.



FISHHEAD: Although it is relatively unguarded there is a strong defense (makes a funny sucking noise) mechanism. It is guarded by a shield generated from the nearby Forest Moon of (sucking noise) Endorphin. General Nadine.



NADINE: We have acquired a stolen Imperious shuttle with a special Imperious code. A strike team will land on the moon and knock out the shield generator.



WEDGE: Are you crazy? There's probably a whole legion of troops down there!



MAMA: Shut up, Wedge.



NADINE: General Calrissean will lead the attack.



BILLY DEE: DAMN! Why'd they have to draw MY name from the hat?



NADINE: Admiral Fishhead.



FISHHEAD: Once the shield is down our fighters (sucking noise) will create a perimeter and attempt (sucking noise) to knock out the main reactor.



WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a computer!



Whack



WEDGE: Ow!



MAMA: That'll be enough from you, Wedge.



LEE: I wonder who they found to pull that off?



MAMA: No one's volunteered (looks at HANDS)..yet.



HANDS: Don't look at me, I'm not going down there!



MAMA: come over to the foyer with me. I have something to tell you.



HANDS and MAMA go into another room, which is empty.



MAMA: Hey, Nadine! You come over here too.



NADINE comes into the room.



MAMA: How much more does he owe us for blowing up Bic a few years ago?



NADINE: I'd say at least 10 million more credits.



HANDS: What the hell are you talking about?! You never told me about any-



MAMA: Oh, we high up on the command ladder can levy fees on anyone, any time we choose. But if you, uh, go down to the moon, welllll, we'll take off...about 2/3 of it.



HANDS: This is blackmail! I'm not paying.



MAMA: You know that there's hidden cameras on the Falcon, installed just after the Fountain became part of the Alliance?

(takes out a photo of Hands and Lee getting funky).



HANDS: NOOOOO! Give that to me RIGHT NOW!



MAMA: Uhhhm, no.



HANDS starts crying like a baby.



HANDS: AHHHHHHH! NOOOOO! PLLLLEEEEEAAAASE!



MAMA: Are you going down to the moon?



HANDS: YES! ANYTHING YOU SAY! JUST DON'T SHOW THAT PHOTO TO ANYONE.



MAMA: Then go.



HANDS sighs and goes back to his seat.




HANDS: I had a ... uh, talk with MAMA and NADINE and I've decided I'll lead the strike team. I'll, ah, need a command crew for my shuttle.



CHUNKY raises his paw, and LEE and STINKY-O raise their hands. ARTOO beeps.



Okay, that's one.



LEE: I'm in. Put your glasses on!



STINKY-O: Hey, My hand is all golden and shiny! Your eyes must be really bad.



CHUNKY growls.



HANDS: Well it's gonna be rough, Pal. I didn't want to speak for you.



CHUNKY growls a Cookie sigh.



Suddenly MARCUS STREETWALKER walks in.



MARCUS: I'm with you too.



HANDS: Is that all of us? Isn't there one more?



MARCUS: No.



HANDS: Whatever happened to that old guy that needed to use my ship to get to All-Drained?



MARCUS: Been-There's been dead for years.



HANDS: Well, then. I'm ready.



MAMA: EVERYONE! One final word. In the next few hours we will be launching the largest aerial attack so far in this franchise. Franchise. That's a word that should have new meaning for all of us. The future of this franchise, including books and comics like Dark Empire and Heir to The Empire, depends the survival of this alliance. It's interesting to note that today is Kloppa 16th on the Galactic Standard Calander, the day that Naboo gained Independence from the Trade Federation. Now we are not fighting for Independence, but from annihilation. If we are successful today, Kloppa 16th will no longer be known as a Naboo Holiday, but as the day this small alliance cried in one voice:

We will not let George Lucas end our adventures here! We will fight Kylo Ren, Snoke, Thrawn and the Resurrected Emperor and the Vong!

We're gonna live on, on PAPER, and in Legends and NEW CANON! For today we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE FROM GEORGE LUCAS DAY!



Cheers ring out and dramatic music starts up.



MARCUS rubs a tear from his eye.



Hugs go around. Timothy Zahn, Tom Veitch and R.A Salvatore toast, as well as Rian Johnson, J.J. Abrams and others.





INT-- REBEL HANGER



*BILLY DEE and HANDS are walking through the many ships on their way to their assignments*



HANDS: Take her! I mean it, take her!



BILLY DEE: All right! I've been waiting to hear that since ESB! (Grabs LEE, hoists her over his shoulder, starts making off with her)



LEE: Ahhh! Put me down!



BILLY DEE: You truly belong up here with the Billy Dee.



HANDS: No! No, no...not LEE! The Fountain!



*BILLY DEE stops, looks over at the ship.*



BILLY DEE: (pouting) Oh. (Puts LEE down) Uh, thanks.



HANDS: Take her. She's the fastest ship in the fleet!



*There is a loud BANG! As the FOUNTAIN'S cockpit falls off, starting a fire amongst the other ships, dozens of rebel engineers running to contain the crisis*



BILLY DEE: Um... yeah. I know what she uh... means to you... Hands, have you taken a good look at the FOUNTAIN lately?



HANDS: (Adjusts glasses) Whaddya mean?



BILLY DEE: Never mind. She won't get a scratch-- the piece of junk is pretty much a living scratch as it is.



HANDS: Right! (starts off) Hey... uh.. I got your word, not a scratch.



BILLY DEE: Not one. But not being obliterated into nothingness by Umperial turbolasers, that I cannot promise.



HANDS: Uh...



BILLY DEE: Will you get going you drug-running, near-sighted, pirate-pretending, scruffy-looking nerfherder!



LEE: RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF!



HANDS: (Pushes LEE towards the shuttle) Good luck.



BILLY DEE: (Takes another look at the death trap HANDS has stuck with him) Yeah... eat ---- and die.



*HANDS and LEE enter shuttle*



INT-- SHUTTLE



*HANDS sits down and pauses, staring ahead*



LEE: What's wrong?



HANDS: I dunno. I just got the funny feeling I'm never going to see her again.



LEE: (Suspiciously) See WHO again?



HANDS: Beth. (Correcting himself) Oh! Er, I mean, the FOUNTAIN.



LEE: Hands, you aren't even looking at the fountain! Adjust your glasses!



HANDS: What? (Adjusts glasses. He's actually been looking at an elderly Rebel operative named Bernie)



BERNIE: (winks) Hey there, big boy.



HANDS: (shivering) ugh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!



*Beeping sound comes from in cockpit*



MARCUS: (Entering) what's that noise?



LEE: Dunno. Hands is the pilot.



HANDS: Of course I know! Looks about... it's obviously the throttle. It wants me to... uh... un-throttle it. (Grabs at something)



*Beeping continues*



MARCUS: That's the sensor array.



HANDS: Uh... yeah kid, that's what YOU think. See, on these Umperial ships they want to CONFUSE us rebels, putting the throttle where the sensors would be!



*Beeping continues*



MARCUS: How would the Umperials know we'd get this ship when they built it?



HANDS: See, that's the pure GENIUS of it!



*Beeping continues. Chunky growls something*



HANDS: What Chunky? Oh wait, you're right. It's just my cell phone. (answers it) S'up?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: 'Allo?



HANDS: Hello?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: 'Allo?



HANDS: Yes, Hello?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: 'Allo, is your rebel vleet running?



HANDS: Our vleet?



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: Yes, your vleet, is it running?



HANDS: (puts hand over receiver) Lee, is our vleet running?



LEE: What's a vleet?



HANDS: Damned if I know.



MARCUS: I think he means FLEET.



HANDS: Whatever, just tell me if its running! This could be important, man!



LEE: (Looks out window at the FOUNTAIN, which is still on fire) With one notable exception, yes.



HANDS: (into phone) Yes, Our vleet is running fine.



FAKE FRENCH ACCENT OVER PHONE: Well then you'd better catch it, because it's going to fly into a trap at Endorphin and get all blowed up! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



HANDS: Huh? That's not funny! Wait, who is this? What's your operating number?



VOICE OF UMPEROR: CRAP THEY'RE ONTO ME! Quick, Vacuous, howd'ya shut this thing off? No, no, it's not working! Cripes man, I'm Supreme Overlord of the Galaxy, not a Cell Phone Distributor! Well I can't, what if they star-69 me? Hey, there's no need to take THAT attitude, remember the time we- (Dial tone hits).



LEE: What was that all about?



EXT-- SPACE. SHUTTLER APPROACHES DEADLY STAR II: THE SEQUEL



INT-- SHUTTLE



HANDS: If they don't go for this, we're going to have to get out of here pretty quick Chunky.



*CHUNKY stares at HANDS for a moment*



WHACK!



HANDS: Hey...



LEE: What, you think WE don't know that? That we thought we were going to escape SLOWLY?



HANDS: Yeah, well... whatever.



CONTROLLER: (over radio, crinkling bag and munching can be heard with the voice of what must be a zit-pimple teenager) we have you... (crunch) on our screen now. Please Identify.



HANDS: Commandos.



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Commandos?



HANDS: Rebel Commandos.



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Rebel Commandos?



HANDS: Confirmed. Requesting deactivation of the deflector shield.



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Hmm...erh, I dunno. I really think you're going to have to talk this over with my supervisor.



HANDS: Oh come on, you don't have to do that! We've got the code right here!



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Code, what code?



HANDS: For the shield, you idiot!



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Er... are you sure you just don't want to talk to my supervisor? It would just take a second...



HANDS: Kid, what's the matter with you? This your first job?



CONTROLLER: (over radio) What? No, of course... of course not!



HANDS: Dont' you think they've given you enough responsibility by now? Can't you make a management decision? What, do you want to go back to flipping burgers at Dex's Diner?



CONTROLLER: (over radio) HELL N- er, I mean, no! Wait, er... eh... how do you know about all that?



HANDS: Don't interrupt me boy, and be a man! Look, I'll transmit the code right now...



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Look, I don't really think that's going to help. I don't even want this 'code'.



HANDS: Hey, many Bothans died for this information buddy, and you're going to hear it!



CONTROLLER: (over radio) Oh for kriff-, just read it then.



HANDS: Great. Actually, it's in telegram format. Code reads: "Do not go to Endorphin. Stop. It is a trap. Stop. Emperor is plotting to kill you all and rule the Galaxy. Stop. Signed, Bothans."



CONTROLLER: (over radio) ok fine. Look, please hold.



LEE: Now we find out if that code is worth the price we paid.



HANDS: Not likely. It was pretty crappy cryptography if you ask me, I understood every word of it!



MARCUS: Vacuous is on that ship.



HANDS: Now don't get jittery Marcus, there are a lot of command ships.



MARCUS: Er, how is that supposed to make me feel any better. In fact, how is it supposed to NOT make me feel even WORSE?



HANDS: Er... eh... keep your distance Chunky. But don't LOOK like you're trying to keep your distance.



*Everyone looks at HANDS*



WHACK!

WHACK!



LEE: None of that makes any sense at all! Who wrote your dialogue?



HANDS: (arms up devensively) Ow! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's not my fault!



WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!



LEE: We're not going to stop until you start making sense!



HANDS: Uh... fly casual?



WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!



LEE: All together now!



WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK...



INT-- SUPER STAR WHACKER



VACUOUS: (approaching) where is that shuttle going?



PIETT: What shuttle?



VACUOUS: The one just outside.



PIETT: Is THAT a shuttle?



VACUOUS: What did you think it was?



PIETT: Matteing error. (Looks down at controller, busy trying to operate things with a back of potato chips in his lap, still red-faced from dealing with HANDS.) Shuttle, what is your cargo and destination?



OVER COMM: WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WH-



VACUOUS: Do they have a code clearance?



PIETT: What code clearance? The shield's not even on!



VACUOUS: (turns around quickly, parnoid) Shut up, idiot! Do you want people to HEAR?



CONTOLLER: (looking up) Know what sir?



VACUOUS: Damn! You know too much! (VACUOUS beats him over the head)



PIETT: Gun, Lord? (offer gun to VACUOUS)



VACUOUS: Thanks. (shoots CONTROLER) So, anyway, where was I?



PIETT: I have no idea.



VACUOUS: Hmm... yes... (looks into distance)





INT-- FALCON



MARCUS: I'm endangering the mission, I shouldn't have come.



INT. STAR WHACKER



CONTROLLER: Shall I hold them?



VACUOUS: No. I shall kick their a**es myself. Make them THINK the shield is up. THEN PUT IT UP FOR KRIFF'S SAKE!!!



INT. STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE



HANDS: They're not goin' for it, Chunky.



PIETT: This is Piett, filling in for the controller. Um... VACUOUS THIS IS CRAZY! I can't let these Rebels- ack! ack!-GASP -okay. Deactivation of the shield generator will commence immediately. Follow your present course.



Everyone breathes a sigh of releif, except MARCUS, who is continually wiping sweat off his brow. His shirt is soaked through. CHUNKY barks.



HANDS: See, I told you it would work! No problem.



LEE: No thanks to you.



HANDS: Who's flying this ship, Marcus?



MARCUS: You bet I could! I'm not such a bad pilot myself.



CHUNKY growls, but only HANDS understands Cookiespeak.



HANDS: It just so happens that I'm the only certified pilot aboard this shuttle.



Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack





HANDS: Ow! Chunky! Why did you hit me. You wish you could fly?



LEE: He's your copilot, genius. He can fly.



MARCUS: Let's just whack him some more.



Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

Whack

...

62 EXT. SPACE STOLEN IMPERIAL SHUTTLE-ENDORPHIN



The stolen Empirial shuttle moves off toward the technicolor cuddly moon with fluffy clouds and rainbows.

 

INT. DEADLY STAR II-THE SEQUEL-HOSPITAL WING



Emporer Palpitatine paces back and forth. A MEDICAL DROID comes up to him.


DROID: My Lord, the construction is finished. He lives.



PALPITATINE: Good, good.



The droid brings the Emporer to an operating room. A green and orange figure is on the operating table. Red gloves and yellow boots cover the new mechanical limbs. A purple helmet is strapped to the head for good measure. The table begins to tilt, moving the figure to an upright position.



PALPITATINE: GENERAL RIKKAN, you may rise.



GENERAL RIKKAN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



EXT SCOUT CAMPSITE- FOREST OF FEELING-BORDERING ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF LORD LICORICE'S KINGDOM-IT'S ALWAYS DAY-NIGHT NEVER COMES TO THE FOREST OF FEELING



HANDS, CHUNKY, and the DROIDS, along with the rest of the squad, wait anxiously in the clearing. Artoo's SONAR screen sticks out of his domed head, and rotates, scanning the forest. He beeps.



STINKY-O: Oh, General Hands, somebody's coming. Oh!



HANDS, CHUNKY and the rest of the squad raise their weapons.



MARCUS steps out if the foliage.



HANDS: Where's Lee?



MARCUS: What? She didn't come back?



HANDS: I thought she was with you?



MARCUS: We got separated..Hey, we better go look for her. Take the squad ahead, we'll meet at the shield generator at 0300.

HANDS: You are aware time runs differently on different planets.

MARCUS: Galactic Standard Hours, nitwit. C'mon Artoo, we'll need your scanners.

STINKY-O: Don't worry, Master Marcus, we know what to do. (They move off into the woods.)(To Artoo): And you said it was a little too pretty here.. I think it's to the point of downright creepiness.

EXT FOREST OF FEELING-CLEARING-GAS STATION-VERY VERY VERY BRIGHT DAY-GOOEY GOOEY GUMDROPS

As LEE fills up her speeder with premium, a strange little furry face with huge bright eyes bounds into view and gives Lee a huge hug. The creature is a Carebear by the name of Wicker.



WICKER: The gas is on the house, friend!



LEE: Thank you. What's your name?



WICKER: Wicker Ashley Davis, at your service, Ma'm, but you can call me Wicker.



LEE: Are there more of you?



WICKER: We are everywhere! We've been watching you guys since you got here, and the Imperials for months.



LEE takes off her hat.



Suddenly, with fear and revulsion and a mighty yell, Wicker backs off in horror and points his spear threatening at LEE.



LEE: What's the matter? It's just a hat! It's not going to hurt you!



WICKER: Just a hat, you say! In our culture, taking off your hat is a promise of murder.



LEE immediately puts her hat back on.



VOICE: Freeze! Get up! Hands on top of your head!



A STOMPTROOPER comes into view with his blaster aimed at LEE.



He gestures to his fellow Shortstop.



SHORTSTOP 1: Get your ride. Take her back to base.



SHORTSTOP 2: Aye-aye, Captain.



SHORTSTOP 1: And stop watching all those damned SpongeBob re-runs! They're bad for your brain.



Suddenly WICKER appears and takes off his hood.



LEE smiles secretly.



SHORTSTOP 1: Aren't you cute.



WICKER: Give me a hug, friend.



Wicker throws his furry arms around the troopers' shoulders and hugs tight..and tighter....and tighter



SHORTSTOP 1: Your *gasp* choking me.



WICKER hugs tighter.



Stomptrooper's neck breaks.



As the other trooper begins to speed off on his bike, LEE blasts the trooper and bike to smithereens.



WICKER grabs LEE'S hand.



WICKER: Come with me, you'll be safe in my village. Yub nub! Lots of food, shelter and yub nub.



LEE: (As she follows Wicker) What's Yub nub?



WICKER: That's like the single most important word in the human vocabulary and you don't know what it is? It means Yub nub of course. Let's go!


They flee into the woods.


INT. UMPORER'S TOWER-DEADLY STAR 2-THE SEQUEL-THRONE ROOM



TWO RED UMPERIAL RED SOX stand watch as the doors of the elevator open to find VACUOUS. He steps out and kneels before LORD CHIN.



VACUOUS: (To himself) Why do I get the feeling this whole battlestation will be transported as a big derelict ship to a large ocean on some planet somewhere and CHIN'S granddaughter and my Nephew's nephew will fight here?



CHIN: What was that, Lord Vacuous?



VACUOUS: Nothing.



CHIN: I thought I told you to wait on the command ship.



VACUOUS: Did you? I think that scene got skipped by study3600 because he wanted to get straight to the Battle of Endorphin, the ID4-esque speech, the speeder bike chase and the first Carebear scene, but ah, whatever, a small Rebel force has penetrated our shield and landed on Endorphin.



Whack



CHIN: Yes, you idiot! Don't you think I knew that?! Why in the hell do you think I gave you such specific, simple instructions?! Tell me something I don't know!



VACUOUS: (After a beat) My nephew is with them.



CHIN: Ok, that is something I don't know. How do you know?



VACUOUS: I have felt him, my Master.



CHIN: Strange how you are always feeling things I don't feel. Maybe my feeler is broken. Well, it must be because I'm so good being the bad guy. I haven't been in touch with my inner feelings since Darth Plagiarist converted me to the Dark Side as a boy.



VACUOUS: Maybe I can help you get in touch with your inner Sheev.



CHIN: There's no time for that now, my son. You must go to the Gingerbread Moon and wait for him.



VACUOUS: He will come to me?



CHIN:I have forseen it. His compassion for you will be his undoing. He will come to you and then you will bring him before me.



VACUOUS: How are you so blamed prophetic and yet so out of touch with your feelings? That really is intellectual dishonesty in my humble opinion, father.



CHIN: It is too late for me, son. Soon, Marcus will be one of us.



VACUOUS: Rule of two. I remember what you did to Lord Tinnitus when you started converting me on General Greedy's flagship.



CHIN: Do as I say or you don't get any dinner tonight and no Ruby Bliels for a whole month! Do as I say, boy!



VACUOUS: (flatly) As you wish. (Rises)



He walks back onto the elevator shaft. The doors close.



INT. ELEVATOR -DEADLY STAR 2-THE SEQUEL



VACUOUS stands in the elevator car as elevator muzak plays:



Help me Rhonda, Help, Help me Rhonda

Help Me Rhonda, help help me Rhonda,

Get Her Out of My Heart



The GHOST OF BEEN-THERE APPEARS.



OB-EWAN: Relax. Take a deep breath. Why, you haven't been this tense since, well, since we fell into that nest of Murder Hornets.



VACUOUS: You fell into that nightmare, Ob-Ewan, and I rescued you, remember? It took two years for all those welts on you to fully shrink and go down, and the resulting rash took even longer to heal than that!



OB-EWAN: You still dream about Patme, don't you? She's the mother of my child, but she's your wife.



VACUOUS: She's all I think about.



OB-EWAN: She's not dead, you know, and we broke it off long ago, when she died. She is in your heart and she is above. She's 100% all for you now. Waiting on your decision, of course....



VACUOUS: I know what I'm doing. You don't know the Power of the Dark Side. I must serve and obey my master and father.



OB-EWAN: When the time comes, Manakin, you will make the right decision.



VACUOUS: This conversation is over.



The GHOST OF OB-EWAN McNOBI fades.



VACUOUS breathes his measured, mechanical breaths, thinking.



EXT. FOREST OF FEELING-QUEEN FROSTINE'S GRAND FROSTING-COVERED WOOD- 4K HD ULTRADAY

The party of HANDS, MARCUS and CHUNKY, ARTOO and STINKY-O search through the woods for LEE.



STINKY-O: I'm afraid Artoo's SONAR can find no trace of Princess Lee.



HANDS: Switch to RADAR, Artoo. SONAR is for underwater.



Artoo switches to RADAR. He beeps, excitedly.



SEE-STINKY-O: Artoo says he senses three B-52 stealth bombers that are drones patrolling this area. We'd better make ourselves scarce, he says.



HANDS: I hope LEE is alright.



CHUNKY growl, sniffing the air, then with a bark, pushes through the bright multicolored foilage. A large lump of QUEEN FROSTINE'S ICING falls on Artoo, jamming his RADAR. He beeps a blue streak.



GL: Careful, Artoo. This movie is rated PG.



ARTOO: (Beeps angily)



GL: You really think Oolah's breast slip, and the brief freeze-frame rear end reveal of Pizza's dancing slave girl, and LEE's skimpy iron underwear in PIZZA's CASINO ought to bump this film up to an MPAA PG-13 rating?!



ARTOO: (Beeps)



GL: You know that only perverts notice those things and people with pure minds don't even regard them and just enjoy the movie Artoo, and I will not let you say whatever you want just because there's a little nudity and pruriance in this installment. Talk to the costuming department and take up your grievances with them.



ARTOO: (Beeps even angrier)



GL: What do you mean you did and they said they got all their costume ideas from me?! Shut your damn metal trap or I'll fuse it shut permanently!





ARTOO: (Blows a raspberry at Lucas)



GL: Well, Beep diddle beep to you, too!



ARTOO: Well Kriff you, then!



GL: Well, I never!



They are about to continue their argument when suddenly , CHUNKY sees the object he smelled., a Satisfying Snicker's bar. CHUNKY licks his chops.



MARCUS: No, wait, Chunky, don't-



Before MARCUS can finish, CHUNKY grabs the Snicker's bar and takes a huge gooey peanuty chocolaty bite after quickly shedding the wrapping and tossing it on the ground like a banana peel, and a cord attached to the Candy Bar is yanked, knocking a small domino down which knocks a series of increasingly larger dominoes down, , which in turn causes an elaborate chain of events in a huge chain reacton where there is a whole lot of moving parts going on, which action the GROUP watch with rapt curiosity, wondering what will happen next. Eventually, a marble is sent down a series of ramps then down a whirlpool like struccture around and around dropping down which hits a ball that rolls into the rub-a-dub-tub, which flips a little man into the pan, the trap os set, HERE COMES THE NET! WHAM (Why didn't they all see this coming?!) They are all in a huge net, high above the spongey, bouncy ground.



HANDS: (beats CHUNKALUNK over the head with a rolled-up newspaper.) BAD COOKIE!!!



A bunch of Carebears and Wuzzles and a whole bunch of other assorted animal type men and women come out of the woods, led by a LION MAN. They lower the net and release them all.



LION: I am Telemarchus, the Lion-hearted. These are my fellow tribesmen. The Gummy Bears live on the other side of this moon. They're really into drinking Gummy Berry Juice and bouncing here and there and everywhere. They are the Gummy Bears. I will fetch Unicorn mounts for each of you, and-What's THIS?! Quetzalcoatl?! You have returned! All hail Quetzalcoatl!



Every Carebear bows down and chants to and worships See-Stinky-O.



STINKY-O: What the hell?



TELEMARCHUS: Oh-you're not our long-awaited Savior God?!



STINKY-O: Hell, no! I'm just a damn Protocol Droid!



TELEMARCHUS: My mistake, then. EVERYONE stop worshiping this Golden Tick-Tock man, and fetch our Unicorns and saddle them up! Tonight we feast. To our village! Princess Lee Smits told us all about you, and your plight with the minions of the Emporer. We will give you food and supplies and shelter and Yubnub! Lots and lots of Yubnub!



HANDS: What in the round world is 'Yubnub'?



TELEMARCHUS: Wicker says Lee asked the same question. It's pretty obvious. Yubnub is Yubnub. Lee really likes Yubnub. It's the best thing in the whole world.



MARCUS: And just what is 'Yubnub', may I ask?



TELEMARCHUS: I am surprised at your ignorance., Sir. Yubnub is Yubnub! I just told the other, older man that, right in front of you.



MARCUS: Okaaaay, then, Let's go to your village.



EXT FOREST OF FEELING-GRAMMA NUTT'S BIG FIELD-ENDORPHIN-UBERDAY



The GROUP rides on FOUR pink UNICORNS with turquoise horns and with Carebear ESCORTS also on smaller Unicorn ponies through an open field with no trees in sight. ARTOO flies alongside them using his RETRO ROCKETS.



ARTOO: Betcha didn't know I still had these, did'ja?. (Translation: Betcha didn't know I still had these, did'ja?)



EXT. TREETOP CAREBEAR VILLAGE-ENDORPHIN-STILL DAY-AS I SAID IN A PREVIOUS SCENE DESCRIPTION, NIGHT NEVER COMES TO THE FOREST OF FEELING

A bunch of CAREBEARS are balancing spiral springs on their noses while hopping on one foot in a vat of melted chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, while watching endless re-runs of various soap operas and Spanish Telenovelas, all while taking turns passing a baton endlessly from one Carebear to the next to the next in an endless loop. LEE is also in the vat, laughing and giggling with the Carebears and participating in this activity.



MARCUS: What the holy hell is this ****?!



LEE: Yubnub, of course! You should try it. You might like it. Every Carebear does it, the men, the women the kids, c'mon Marcus!



MARCUS: Erm, thanks, but I'll pass.



HANDS: Say, that looks like a lot of fun, Lee! Can I try?



LEE: OKAY, on count of three, everyone, 3...2..1...





EVERYONE IN VAT: YUBNUB!

YUBNUB! YUBNUB! YiYiYiYiYiYiYi YUBNUB!

SC __ EXT CAREBEAR VILLAGE-DAY^5


The walkway is deserted now. The windows of the little huts glow and flicker from large screen HDTV's and HD Desktop computers and laptops inside the huts. The sounds of the forest fill the soft breezy air. In the distance, the music of a hover ice cream truck, an emissary from Queen Frostine's Ice Cream Empire, can be heard. Several Carebears rush out to catch up to it, five dollar bills in hand and a pocketbook full of quarters for change, with their children, eager for a frosty treat. Some of them have Coupons signed and sealed by the Dairy Queen herself for free to half off all ice cream truck sales. Marcus has wandered away from the Chief's hut and leans over, head down over the rail and barfs his guts out thinking of seeing his sister in the Victoria's Secret Negligee on Patootie and seeing her in her bra, practically topless on the speeder here on Endorphin. Lee finds him puking.



LEE: Marcus, what's wrong? You can't be seasick-we're landlocked, and it can't be motion sickness-we're stationary. Was it something you ate?



MARCUS: (lying) That roast we ate--I think it was the woman who used to wear that dress you have on.



LEE: You're thinking of Ewoks. They're the cannibals that inhabit the Forest Moon of Endor in an alternate, Serious universe where humor is only employed to break up tense moments, or to move the story along somehow, or to give reality flavor. What's really the matter, Marcus. Tell me.



MARCUS: Would you mind buttoning up a few more buttons on your dress? I don't want to see......that.



LEE: What's wrong with my pretty, sexy womanly cleavage? Does it turn you on?



MARCUS: (Exasperatedly) Gah! Do you remember your mother, your real mother?



LEE: (Looks at camera) Now remember folks, this scene was filmed almost 30 years before Revenge of the Sith came out in 2005, so this dialogue won't make any sense to those of you who watched Episode III first. (Looks at Marcus) Just images really, feelings. She was kind, sweet, but sad. Why do you ask?



MARCUS: I have no memory of my mother. Darth Vacuous is my near uncle, the husband of my mother, but my father was Been-There McNobi. I sensed him up there on that Star Whacker. I must face him. Alone.



LEE: Marcus, no, if Vacuous is your near relation then leave this place. Run, run, far away, where he'll never find you. And take me with you. We can be lovers. Hands is a real do*****g, I'm sick of that nearsighted twerp. I want you. Oh, kiss me you fool! (She wildly embraces him and wraps her spindly legs around her brother's waist, kissing him all over his boyish face.



MARCUS: Stop! Stop! Stop already! You're my f****** sister, ok?! Get the hell off of me!!! (She does) Vacuous, Ob-Ewan impregnated Patme Ahmedalla and she had ou and mua and died in childbirth, ok. I know George Lucas won't figure that out that we're siblings til around 1983 or so, but it's true!



LEE: You mean I-we--? Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !



In a huff, Marcus turns on his heel and marches off screen. Hands off comes out, eating a chocolate eclaire Good Humor bar.



HANDS: What are you 'eeeeeewing' about, sweetie?



LEE: (Turning away from him, sobbing) I-



HANDS: Look, if it'll cheer you up I bought you your favorite, a Toll House Chip Burger! It's in Telemarchus' freezer and it's waiting for you to sink your gorgeous white teeth into.



LEE: Thanks, but I've suddenly lost my appetite. (The color drains from her face and her cheeks flush green)



Lee leans over the rail, her face over the edge, and barfs her guts out.



HANDS: Huh. I didn't know the thought of ice-cream on a hot summer's day would make you puke. Anyway, I'm done with my ice cream bar. Back to Yubnub! More Yubnub! Yub Nub! Yub Nub! Bring on the Yubnub! YiYiYiYi YUBNUB! (Tosses ice-cream stick in trash receptacle and throws arms in air and runs inside, squealing like a schoolboy going to recess.)

81 POSTERIOR-ER, EXT SPACE-REBEL FEET, ER FLEET



The vast fleet hangs upside down in a space near a blue planet. The camera reorients itself so that the fleet is upright again. A giant Rebel Star Cruuzer is up at the front, but now the Millennium Fountain roars up to a spot ahead of it, tiny in comparison. So tiny, in fact, you need a magnifying glass in order to see it.



82 ANTERIOR-ER, INT MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - C OCKPIT



Pimp Action Billy Dee Calirissean is in the Pilot Seat drinking a can of Colt 45 beer. His alien Co-Pilot FROZEN NUMB, takes some getting used to in the familiar environs of the Falcon's c ockpit. Billy Dee speaks into his comlink.



BILLY DEE: Admiral Fishhead, we're in position. All fighters accounted for.



FAT B**T*** AND BIC LIGHTER: Aye, Admiral.



BILLY DEE: But you're both dead!



BIC LIGHTER: I don't die that easily. And I had a lot of important things to take care of. Plus Dave Filoni loves bringing back supposedly dead characters. So there!



BILLY DEE: Ok, now all fighters are accounted for!



FISHHEAD: Proceed with the countdown.



GROUND CONTROL: T-Minus 10, 9, 8.



FISHHEAD: Wrong countdown.



TIMES SQUARE PARTIERS: Fifty nine, fifty eight.....



FISHHEAD: Will someone proceed with the right countdown?! Ah, better. All groups assume attack coordinates.



Billy Dee turns to his really weird copilot.



BILLY DEE: Don't worry, my friends will have that shield down...(to himself) or my name isn't Harvey Dent.



TOMMY LEE JONES: I resemble that remark.



BILLY DEE: Wannabe.



FISHHEAD: All craft, prepare to jump to hyperspace on my mark......get set.....JUMP.



83 EXCERPT, ER, EXT SPACE- REBELS-NEAT! (ER, REBEL FLEET)



We are treated to an awesome sight. First half of the Millennium Fountain falls off, then comes back together at the snap of several jumbles of bungee cords, then all the other ships jump into hyperspce, then Billy Dee grumbles as he jumps last.

Last edited by study3600 (12/30/2023 12:14 am)