The Star Wars Humorous Versions
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[quote=study3600]EXT. HOT - ICE PLAINS Marcus looks out his cockpit to see Rogue Two flying in formation with him. MARCUS: Rogue Two, you all right? INT. ZEN'S SNOWSPEEDER, ROGUE TWO - COCKPIT Zen has a bloody nose. How the hell did that happen? Did a trooper somehow board his craft, pop him in the face, and than jump off? Or maybe a laser blast got through his shields, through his canopy, and somehow went directly up his nose with just enough energy left to lightly singe the tissue without burning through to his brain- Whack GL: Get on with it! Fine. Zen looks over at Marcus with a blood from an extremely improbable injury dripping all over his flightsuit. ZEN: Yeah. I'm with you, Rogue Leader. MARCUS: We'll set harpoon. I'll cover for you. Watch that crossfire- A laser blast lightly grazes Zen's craft. The seat cushions spontaneously burst into flames as every panel explodes in a shower of sparks, cooking the two rebels inside. A major blast from an AT-AT hits Marcus' snowspeeder directly. It bucks slightly, and some smoke drizzles out from under a panel. MARCUS: Hobbie, I've been . . . uh . . . line! STAGEHAND: Hit! MARCUS: Really? Wow, that don't happen much. Marcus tries to look afraid, but can't manage it, so he hums Broadway showtunes until his snowspeeder finally crashes. Dusting himself off and looking casually at the walker lumbering towards his craft, he slowly gets out and starts walking away. DECK: Marcus . . . help me . . . I'm still alive, but I'm very badly burned! MARCUS: What?! My copilot can't survive! It violates the laws of the universe! CRUNCH MARCUS: Oh. Guess that takes care of that, then. DECK: No, wait, I'm still alive! I think my arms might be broken . . . A flaming snow speeder crashes on top of him. DECK: Ow! I'm still alive, but I'm in quite a lot of pain! MARCUS: Don't worry, Deck, I'll get you out of there! An ice wumpah suddenly appears out of nowhere, grabs Deck, and starts eating him. DECK: OW! Hey, make him stop! Marcus whips out his blaster and fires. DECK: You shot me! You shot me right in the arm! Why did you- Marcus fires again. This one hits Deck right between the eyes. MARCUS: Jesus. Guy just wouldn't take a hint. INT. REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER Laserblasts can be heard thundering above. Hands appears, running. Cracks have appeared in the walls, and the entire room seems to be melting very quickly. A cave-in has buried most of the room, but several devoted Rebels (that is, morons) are still at their posts. Hands runs over to Lee. HANDS: Are you all right? LEE: Why are you still here? HANDS: You've got my keys, remember? LEE: Oh, right. She fishes into her pocket and tosses his car- er, ship keys at him. LEE: You got your keys, now leave. HANDS: Don't worry, I'll leave. First I'm going to get you to your ship. LEE: (suspicious) Why? HANDS: So an unfortunate mishap can force you to leave with me, where we'll be stranded together and our tentative relationship will blossom and we can get it on. LEE: Well, if it's for a good cause. A blast rocks the command center, knocking Stinky-O down. ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Imperial troops have entered the base! Imperial troops have entered the- TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) You're darn right we have! ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Aah! Hey, wait a minute, I though the shields were still up! TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) They are. ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Then how did you get in here? TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) Well, I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Aren't you going to do that anyway? TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) Touché. HANDS: That's it, we're leaving. LEE: Give the evacuation code signal. And tuck in your shirt! HEAD CONTROLLER: K-one-zero . . . all troops disengage. Key the dramatic "We've Just Gotten Our Butts Kicked" John Williams music, and run like hell! EXT. BATTLEFIELD - SNOW TRENCH Rebel troops retreat under the (relatively) awesome Imperious attack. OFFICER: Begin retreat! Fall back! Fall back! KING ARTHUR: Run away! Troops flee from the battle as the ground explodes around them. EXT. HOT - BATTLEFIELD - ICE PLAIN Marcus is running underneath the belly of one of the giant walkers. He pulls out a harpoon gun (don't ask) and fires it at the walker's underside. A magnetic head and cable attack firmly to the metal hull. He is pulled up the cable and hangs dangling under the walker. Cutting open a hatch, Marcus takes a grenade from his belt and tosses it in. A second later, a stomptrooper sticks his head out and tosses it back at Marcus. MARCUS: Oh, sh!t! BOOM A soot-covered Marcus picks himself up off the snow. Growling, he ignites his brightsabre. He runs over to the nearest leg and cuts it off at the ankle. MARCUS: Ha! Take that! A team of Imperial repair droids swarm down the leg, weld the foot back on, and swarm back up. The AT-AT keeps walking, uninterrupted. MARCUS: ARGH! Aw, screw it, I'm getting outta here. INT. IMPERIOUS SNOW WALKER - COCKPIT Inside the walker, General Leer looks out at the Rebel power generators. LEER: All right, we're in range! Ready? The screen splits to show the other four AT-AT drivers. DRIVERS: Ready! LEER: Power Troopers, powerup mode! Heavy metal guitar music starts playing as all five of them reach up in perfect sync to tap a device they're wearing on their wrists. There is a flash of light, and all five of them are wearing stomptrooper armor, each a different color. Leer, now wearing red armor, looks around, using exaggerated hand and head movements that don't quite match what he's saying. RED TROOPER: Let's bring 'em together! TROOPERS: Right! EXT. HOT - BATTLEFIELD The five AT-AT's begin transforming. Within moments, they have formed a huge droid holding a brightsabre: the Imperious Megazord! RED TROOPER: Imperious Megazord Sabre: Maximum Firepower! The Megazord issues a beam of light from its brightsabre that completely destroys the Rebel power generators. RED TROOPER: (pumping his fist) All right! All the troopers cheer and pat each other on the back. INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - ICE CORRIDORS Hands, Lee, and Stinky-O run through a crumbling ice corridor. Hands runs down a side tunnel, dragging Lee by the hand. A moment later he comes back out the tunnel, looks around, and heads down another one. A few moments later, he comes back out. LEE: Will you just admit that you're lost? HANDS: I know exactly where I am! I just don't know how to get where we're going. He walks over to the wall, where an incredibly complex map fills half the corridor, along with a tiny speck labeled "You are here." HANDS: Okay... if we go back and take the third corridor, then head left down the second side exit, that should put us right in the middle of... the Bronx?! Who the hell wrote this map? Shaking his head, he pulls out his comlink and turns it on. HANDS: Transport, this is Solo. Better take off, I can't get to you. I'll get her out on the Fountain. TRANSPORT: Uh... we took off ten minutes ago, Solo. HANDS: What?! That's not true... that's impossible! TRANSPORT: No, it's actually quite possible. We just left. HANDS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! TRANSPORT: Geez, Solo, it's not that big a deal. You've got a ship, don't you? Hands is sobbing, rocking back and forth, and he doesn't seem to hear him. HANDS: (softly) Been... why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me? GL: CUT! All right, who messed with the script!?! Artoo whistles nonchalantly as he rolls away from the table where all the copies of the script are kept. INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER Imperial troops have entered the base. (hey, where have I heard that before?) As they clear aside rubble, the ominous dark shadow of Darth Vacuous fills the doorway. He pauses, surveying the wreckage about him, before entering, whacking his head on the doorway and knocking himself to the ground. The troopers stifle giggles.[/quote]
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