The Star Wars Humorous Versions
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[quote=study3600]EXT. DAYGLOBAH - DAY (Yoga sits waiting outside the cave. He hears a strange noise and looks over to the entrance, where Marcus is dragging himself out, bruised and bloodied.) MARCUS: Heh... made it. (He hears a noise behind him, and turns around just as a huge avalanche of heads pours out of the cave, burying him.) YOGA: Ah, whacked the author you did. Not a smart move. EXT. SPACE - VACUOUS' STAR DESTROYER (Vacuous' Star Destroyer moves through space, guarded by its convoy of BOWTIE fighters.) INT. VACUOUS' STAR DESTROYER - BRIDGE - CONTROL DECK (Vacuous stands in the back control area of his ship's bridge with a motley group of men and creatures. Admiral Piett and two controllers stand at the front of the bridge and watch the group with scorn.) PIETT: Bounty hunters. We don't need that scum. CONTROLLER: Uh, sir- PIETT: Talk about your low-life bottom-dwelling scum-suckers. Why, they couldn't find a ship if it jumped up and bit their leg. I'm surprised they managed to put their armor on right. CONTROLLER: Sir, I- PIETT: Truly they are the worst of the worst, the most thug-like cretins to ever disgrace the galaxy with their presence. CONTROLLER: SIR! PIETT: What? (The controller points behind him. Piett turns around to find himself face-to-face with the meaning-looking alien you've ever seen, complete with fangs, horns, claws, and a gun that would make Ah-nald Swchratzen-(however you spell it) shriek and run like hell.) PIETT: Uh... yes? (The alien holds his stare for another moment, then bursts into tears.) PIETT: What the hell?! ALIEN: You don't have to be so mean! (He runs off sobbing like a little girl.) (Meanwhile, Vacuous sits in a folding chair with a clipboard on his lap. The group in front of Vacuous is a bizzare array of galactic fortune hunters. One of them, a slimy, tentacled monster with two huge, bloodshot eyes steps forward as Vacuous calls his name.) VACUOUS: (looking at his clipboard) Sorry, but I'm afraid you're not quite what we're looking for. Next. BORSK: No, wait! I have other skills, too. VACUOUS: Such as? BORSK: Hang on. (he clears his throat and pulls out three thermal detonators) Can any of the other bounty hunters do... this? (he starts juggling the detonators) VACUOUS: Hmmm... not bad. Anything else? BORSK: (still juggling) You bet! (he clears his throat and begins singing) Clang clang clang went the trolley, ding ding ding- (One of the other bounty hunters sticks his foot out, and Borsk trips over it. One of the detanators goes flying into the crewpit and explodes.) VACUOUS: (looking up from the clipboard) What was that?! BORSK: (hurried) Nothing. Nothing at all. Well, you have my number, I really need to get going now. Ta. (He bolts from the bridge.) VACUOUS: Hmph. Next. (The next bounty hunter jumps forward, a huge gun held in front of him.) DISINTEGRATOR: I am the Disintegrator! I hunt down my prey, then I take my disintegrator cannon and- VACUOUS: Sorry. No disintegrations. DISINTEGRATOR: None? VACUOUS: Nope. Not even one. Sorry, we need them alive. Next. (Mumbling, the Disintegrator walks away. The next bounty hunter, Bubba Fett, quickly tosses his disintegration gun over the edge.) BUBBA: Uh... I am... the Survivor! Yes, all of my victims survive. I've never killed a single one, and I certainly won't kill yours! VACUOUS: Interesting. Tell me something-- (Suddenly, Piett rushes into the scene, saving the author from having to finish it.) PIETT: My lord, we have them![/quote]
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