WARNING: GENERAL SW AND MCU and other MEDIA SPOILERS THROUGHOUT!

RATED PG-13 for language, sex humor and drug references.

A long time Ago in a Galaxy farther away than you may think....





A vast inky blackness lights up with maybe a dozen stars, then the MAIN TITLE ROLL goes by extremely fast so that to read it you have to pause the DVD a hundred times....




RON HOWARD'S TWO PART EPISODE WITH NO NUMBER: HANDS OFF PART ONE



EVERY saga has a BEGINNING. Every LEGEND has an ORIGIN. Peter Parker. Kermit the Frog. Catwoman. The Zodiak Killer. And HANDS OFF: Smuggler by Trade: Rebel By Choice is no exception. On the IMPERIAL HELD PLANET of CORSMELLYA, a YOUNG HANDS dreams of ADVENTURE in the GREAT WIDE SOMEWHERE. He wants it MORE than he can TELL. He and SHE-RA plan their escape, and to make it rich stealing and selling the HIGHLY VOLATILE fuel substance QUACKSIUM. TOO BAD they couldn't slip DARTH VACUOUS in this movie SOMEWHERE..Don't WORRY, we'll FIND A WAY....

TITLE CARD: It is a flawless time.



TELEVISION SYNDICATES compete for RATINGS-Cooking shows, Gameshows, Soaps and Reality TV abound on the AIRWAVES.



On the Shipbuilding PLANET of CORSMELLYA, the FOUL LADY PROXIMITY forces runaways to watch the worst episodes of GENERAL HOSPITAL ever made in exchange for SHELTER and Protection from scouts seeking to ruin children's lives by putting them on TELEVISION SHOWS.



On these mean streets, a YOUNG MAN fights for survival but yearns to Dance With The Stars....



SC 01 EXT CORSMELLYA



A Young HANDS OFF hotwires a CAR and LOOKS BEHIND HIM.



He is being pursued by MOVIE SCOUTS, holding FLASHLIGHTS.



SC 02 EXT CITY-CORSMELLYA-NIGHT



HANDS races down the STREETS. There are DICE dangling in his windshield hanging off his REARVIEW MIRROR.



SC 03 DARK ALLEY-PROXIMITY'S RUNAWAY SHELTER-NIGHT



HANDS RETURNS. Kids are RUNNING AROUND.



ROUGH VOICE: General Hospital's gonna be good tonight....Get back in your seat!



HANDS OFF sits in the Amphitheater. The huge HD Screen lights up. A FULL EPISODE of GENERAL HOSPITAL is shown.  (But the Theatrical audience watching this movie sees a very truncated version of that full episode, basically the beginning, middle, climax and end with other highlights from the show--and it was a particularly bad one tonight.)



HANDS: This su c k s! Take this Lady Proximity!



HANDS throws a rock hard at the projector screen and the rock tears a gaping hole in it. All the bad guys are sucked into the holde in the Projector screen, and the children are freed.



SHE-RA: Hands, we need to get out of here! Movie scouts are on their way! They must have heard all this commotion.



They get in a car and zoom off to escape the SCOUTS who ROAR after them.



SC 04 - HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS OF CORSMELLYA-NIGHT




A spectacular car chase ensues. To escape their pursuers, HANDS tries driving sideways through a narrow alley, but gets stuck.





HANDS: Damn! I always dreamed of boasting that I made the Corsmellyan Alley run in 2 kilometers. Now it looks like I blew my chance!



Everyone in the audience whose seen this movie before audibly groans.

HANDS(CONT'D): Don't worry, it will happen again, later, and bigger and better, in a wormhole with a mouth.





SHE-RA: Wormhole with a mouth? Who the hell writes this c r a p??!!





HANDS: Ron Howard.





SHE-RA: Oh, no wonder.





HANDS: And get this: The audience of devoted Star Wars fans will finally be able to find out exactly how many Parsecs the Al Kessel Run was done in.





SHE-RA: Not that anyone will care. This movie will probably be a box office flop anyway. Anyways, let's go to the Customs and departures station and get the hell off this planet. I have the chaincodes.



HANDS: Okey-dokey, let's get out of here.



SC 05 EXT CORSMELLYA- CUSTOMS AND DEPARTURES STATION-DAY



Hands and She-Ra kiss passionately.



HANDS: Oh, Lee! Lee! Kiss me again!



SHE-RA: T* is Lee?



HANDS: (Blinks twice) I have no idea.



Hands and She-Ra walk in to the building. Hands scans his card. Nothing happens. He scans it again. And again. And again. And again. Nothing. The security guards start to walk up to them just as Hands' card opens the gate. The security guards let Hands pass and arrest She-Ra.





HANDS: SHE-RA!



SHE-RA: HE-MAN-ER HAN MAN-ER HANDS!





Suddenly we hear the Imperial March playing and Hands starts humming it to himself, then he starts humming the opening title crawl music as he watches an Umperial recruitment holovid.



HANDS: Years of fighting unjustified wars and killing innocent civilians. Sounds like fun. Sign me up!

SC 05 INT CORSMELLYA-CUSTOMS AND DEPARTURES-IMPERIAL RECRUITMENT DESK-DAY



IMPERIAL OFFICER: Are you over eighteen?



HANDS: Yes.



IMPERIAL OFFICER: Are you flatfooted?



HANDS: No.



IMPERIAL OFFICER: What is your name? Who are your people?



HANDS: Hands. My people are a little off so I call myself Hands Off.



IMPERIAL OFFICER: That does sound a little off- ok so it is--Hands Off. Remove your glasses. Read the following chart covering your left eye please.



HANDS: I see a big dark blur.



IMPERIAL OFFICER: Cover your right eye.



HANDS: Same.



IMPERIAL OFFICER: Ok, put them back on and never remove them again. Welcome to the Umperial Army.

SC 06 EXT MUMBLE-WARZONE - NIGHT



Hands is shooting people left and right. Every shot is a kill. Most shots are headshots. He always fires first. During a moment of downtime, his superior officer barks at him.



OFFICER: I was looking in your shoes this morning and guess what I discovered?



HANDS: An incredible smell?



OFFICER: No, moron, a slip of paper with the number '18' written on it and Dr. Scholls Arch support- in both shoes.



HANDS: Oops. Well, technically, I told the truth.



OFFICER: Technically, you lied! You know what the penalty is for lying?



HANDS: Bor Gullet?



OFFICER: No, smarta**, we feed you to the Cookie Monster.



HANDS: You mean that jolly blue fellow from Sesame Street? He's not so bad.



SC 07 - EXT MUMBLE-COOKIE MONSTER CAGE-NIGHT



Hands is dropped in feet-first.



HANDS: Ok, he is definitely not that jolly blue fellow from Sesame Street.



CHUNKY: (Growls)



HANDS: Oh! I speak that too. (Growls)



CHUNKY: (Growls) (Translation: I don't give a flying flip what languages you speak. I haven't eaten in days, so you are my dinner tonight.)



RON HOWARD: (Growls) (Translation: Sorry, you're just going to have to stay hungry for now, because this is going to be your best friend and closest companion for the next fifty years. If you two work together, you can win your freedom and you can go home to your wife every Life Day.)



CHUNKY: (Growls.) (Translation: I have a wife???)



RON HOWARD: (Growls.) (Translation: Yeah, talk to Steve Binder about that in 1978. He'll get you hooked up.)

CHUNKY:(Growls) Translation: Ok, here's the plan: We pretend fight, but it has to look like I'm kicking your a**, got it? Then we knock down that pole. I know a few people who can get us off this planet.



HANDS: Ok, got it.



They pretend fight, knock down the pole, which opens up the cage door. Chunkalunk then picks HANDS up and tosses him out of the cage, then leaps out himself, then tears the arms off all the surrounding Imperial guards.



HANDS: Impressive. You're not going to rip my arms off, are you?



CHUNKY: (Growls) Translation: Only if you beat me at Holochess. Follow me.





SC 08 EXT MUMBLE



A man, Beckett Harrelson, a woman, Valentine, and a four armed alien, Hal, look up at Chunky from having a conversation amongst themselves.



HARRELSON: Chunky, you're free! I knew the Imps couldn't keep you locked up forever. Now we could use your help to pull off a job for Dreaded Voss. He needs Quacksium and we can get it, but we could use a couple more hands for our crew. And you are?



HANDS: Hands Off.



HARRELSON: Pleased to meet you.



They shake hands.



HAL: Let's get aboard our ship!