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The Clone Wars Humorous Version
A long time ago in an galaxy far, far away.....
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS
THE CLOWN WARS
Episode 1
War rages across the galaxy. As the SEPARATISTS with their TINKER DRONE ARMIES continue to gain the support of more and more Star systems it becomes difficult for the Jedi to fight this war but fight it they must....
EXT. MON CALAMARI CUISINE-DAY
COUNT DOODU shakes hands with the leader of the QUARRELSOME SQUIDHEADS, as the Separatists ally with its faction of the planet MON CALAMARI CUISINE.
INT. PALPITATINE'S OFFICE-COOOOOOORUUUSCANT-DAY
PALPY the SLIMY sits at his SLIMY DESK as the leading members of the JEDI COUNCIL sit before him.
MACE WINDY: What are we to do about the situation on Munalisp? I will go to Dantooine to deal with those Seperatist M************ myself.
PALPITATINE: Why not send Manakin to lead the Air Raid?
OB-EWAN: WT*? That punk ain't ready for an assignment like that!
YOGA: Yes. To Ob-Ewan you listen. He may be a good pilot, but-
PALPS: Then it is decided. Anakin will go.
YOGA: Whatever the hell you say, Cameo.
INT. HANGAR - REPUBLIC CRUISER
OB-EWAN: Manakin, remember, make sure when you fly, to not try a bunch of stupid flashy maneuvers. That could get us killed.
MANAKIN: Only if they don't work, Master. I'm perfectly capable of flashy fighting moves, and making them work.
OB-EWAN: As long as we can steer clear of your enourmous ego, we should all be fine.
EXT. SPACE
MANAKIN flies his fighter towards the battle. OB-EWAN flies down toward Munalisp. But there is a problem.
MANAKIN: The whole scene before me is backwards.
Just then the ANIMATOR flips the cell over. The JEDI fly through uninterrupted.
MANAKIN: Boy, that was a close call!
EXT MUNALISP-DAY
A CLONE GUNSHIP painted like an APACHE HELICOPTER flies toward the surface of MUNALISP. Some TINKER DRONE COMMANDOS shoot it down. The GUNSHIP CRASHES to the SURFACE and EXPLODES INTO A HUGE FIREBALL.
ANOTHER CLONE GUNSHIP lands safely, parking next to a fire hydrant.
The door opens. A squad of Clown Troops, sons of Mango, ride out on Unicycles, balancing upside down bowling pins on the noses of their helmets and juggling colored balls.
One has a BOOMBOX on his shoulder. He climbs off his Unicycle and sets the BOOMBOX down. He flips it on.
CLONE COMMANDER COODY: Hit it!
As the song Stayin Alive jams and they dance to the beat, they blast away at the first wave of TINKER DRONES and pile up their dead bodies.
Then one sends a probe way up into the air which maps the city proper.
Then a CLONE COMMANDO takes a SPECTROSCOPE and scans the building ahead, looking for clankers.
As they continue to dance, the song changes to Beat It and they Moonwalk ahead, continually advancing their forward position.
EXT-MUNALISP-WASHINGTON DC-DAY
Mulan's friend Mushu scurries down a thoroughfare. A Golden Arches Trooper shoots him and he clambers away hurriedly, muttering.
The ARCH TROOPER leads some other TROOPS down the wide lane.
The ARCH TROOPER raises a hand and spreads his gloved fingers. Everyone else in the squad stops and gets into position to fire, and the red clad ARCH trooper with the Golden Arches on his back and the big floppy red shoes lowers his hand, then cocks his gun.
In front of them, a PANZER HOVERTANK comes into view. It fires at them and they fire back while twirling and stompin to the beat of Too Rai Ay.
Come on, Eileen
O, I swear....
A blue clad SAD CLOWN TROOPER singing 'Royals', descends on a rope behind the tank, and sneaks behind it, climbs on top of it as he sings at the top of his lungs, AND WE'LL NEVER BE ROYALS, and blasts his way downward and into the tank.
Too Rai Do Rai Too Rai TOO RAI AYYYYYYYY!
The SAD CLOWN TROOPER leaps out of the tank and runs away and it blows up behind him.
If you pause the cartoon right here you see a perfectly whole Tank with an all white background.
The TROOPERS move forward at a signal from the ARCH TROOPER.
The ARCH TROOPER holds up a holoprojector. A hologram of DARTH CHIN appears.
CHIN: Wrong channel, Moron!
ARCH TROOPER: Oops!
CHIN fades. A hologram of Ob-Ewan McNobi appears.
ARCH TROOPER: Target has been sighted. We're ready for the next phase.
The TROOPER fires a sanction gun up at a TINKER DRONE's feet on a TALL BUILDING. The TINKER DRONE just stands there and lets his head get blown off.
The TROOPERS advance to the next level up, or the next tier. They set their BOOM BOX down and turn it on again, this time its a solemn song even SAD CLOWN sings sometimes.
I heard there was a secret chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do ya?
The CLOWN TROOPS blow the CLANKERS away. One fires a Bazooka up to a higer level.
It goes like this, a fourth, a fifth, a minor fall, and a major lift, The Baffled king composing Hallelulia!
The SAD CLOWN gestures behind him with his thumb as the TROOPERS plant mines onn the SEPERATISTS HUGE HUGE SUPERGUN.
Halleluia, Hallelulia, Hallelulia, Halleluuuuuluuuulia
More sanction guns fire up the base of the gun and more TROOPS run up it toward them.
Maybe there's a God above, but all I've really learned from love is how to shoot somebody who oudrew ya
There is a huge explosion at the base of the tower.
And it's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not someone who's seen the light, its a cold and its a broken hallelulia!
All the CLOWN TROOPS meet at the top of the tower.
Halleluli, hallelulia, hallulia, halleluuuuuoooauuuuuooooouaoooouuuia!!!
EXT. MON CALAMARI CUISINE-DAY
Troubled is the planet Dak (Yeah, it's really called that-check the lore). The planet is divided. The Quarrelsome Squidheads Isolation League have sided with the Separatists. Alone, the Mon Calamari Cuisine Race is helpless. Intervene, we must.
Four REPUBLIC GUNSIPS descend through DAK's atmosphere over the Ocean Sea. Pull back to reveal it's a lot more than four.
INT. REPUBLIC GUNSHIP-DAY
A fat robed figure stands before a hologram of YOGA.
YOGA: Master Fatso, in these matters, trust your insight I do. May the Force be with you...and please, please go on a diet...I hear the south Beach diet is effective. Try it.
KID FATSO: (Muching on some cheezy poofies) Whatever you say, boss.
He takes off his hood then his cape then sheds his robe entirely, revealing his manly chest.
FANGIRLS: Wow! What else are you going to take off you hunk of a man?!
FATSO takes a running dive into the Ocean while at the same time using the Force to cause his saber to come off of his utility belt, flip in the air, and just before diving in grabs his saber with both hands. A number of CLOWN TROOPERS dive with him in SCUBA gear. FATSO ignites his green brightsabre and an Aquaman style fight ensues. FATSO and his troops faces the advancing CLANKER WATERSHIPS head on, who fire their red lasers at them.
During the battle, some MON CALAMARI CUISINE EELRIDERS lay some serious hurt on the CLANKER SUBS. Then YET ANOTHER SEPARATIST REHASHED SUPERWEAPON IDEA IS REVEALED and starts taking out BOAT after BOAT on the OCEAN's SURFACE.
KID FATSO pulls out a GIANT TUBE of ACME BUBBLE SOLUTION, and dips in a GIANT BUBBLE WAND, waves it in the water, and creates a GIANT BUBBLE, and hurls it at the SUPERWEAPON, which goes all the way through it. EELS push the SUPERWEAPON into a giant pit, which makes that weapon and HANDS OFF about the only two things or people that have ever fallen down a shaft in Star Wars and stayed dead.
- study3600
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Re: The Clone Wars Humorous Version
EXT-MUNALISP-DAY
The CLOWNS and CLOWN TANKS begin to take out the FORWARD POSITIONS of the GREEDY FAT CAT BANKERS' CLAN, as a loudspeaker blares the song "Everbody Dance Now"
BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM BOM EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!
The clones continue their advance as they let the music move them.
INT UMB BANK HQ-DAY
BANKER 1: (Pointing) They're taking out all our forward positions! Why did Doodu send you if all you're going to do is bite your nails and read Star Wars High Republic Comics?
DIRK: (A 20-something year-old kid with freckles and red, curly hair and thick glasses and buck teeth, wearing a big bad metal suit to compensate for a lack of stature.) Hey, the High Republic comics are underrated. And I lost my nail clippers, ok? I'll go out there with my jousting team and we'll deal with Ob-Ewan and his Clowns presently. (Sips an X-Tra large Fountain Cup of Dr. Pepper.)
BANKER 1: Whatever you say (smiles, giggling), Dirk.
DIRK: It's DIRGE, ok?! God, it pisses me off when you call me Dirk. I hate that name! (Walks out).
BANKER 2: Tee-hee, Dirk!
EXT MUNALISP-DAY
DIRK and his BIKER BUDDIES who look like CHEAP KNOCK-OFFS of IG-88, carrying, JOUSTING STICKS, prepare to take off.
EXT MUNALISP-DAY
It is a solemn day in King Arthur's Court. A JOUSTING TOURNAMENT is about to BEGIN.
HERALD: (Blows loud trumpet blast. The trumpet sounds WAY out of tune.) Hear ye, hear ye! The winner of today's jousting tournament will receive for a prize The Sable Knight's lovely daughter's hand in marriage!
The HORSES whinny in anticipation.
Jousting sticks at the ready, the two groups of JOUSTERS prepare to FACE OFF.
MACE WINDY: Wrong story, study3600.
study3600: Erm, right, uh, ok. . .
EXT. MUNALISP-DAY
The enemy JOUSTERS on COOL-LOOKING speeders and the CLONE JOUSTERS RACE towards each other with MIGHT and MAIN. DIRK is in the lead. The JOUSTING STICKS of the IG-88 KNOCK-OFFS and DIRK bend and bounce harmlessly off the CLONE SPEEDRS and CLONE TANKS.
DIRK gets off his speeder.
OB-EWAN: (Seeing him) Oh, puh-leeze, who are they going to send next, Pee-Wee Herman?
DIRK: Your mother was a Hutt, and she smelled like one, too! (Blows raspberry at Ob-Ewan).
OB-EWAN: Look, kid, you're not worth it. Why don't you go back to your mother's basement where you live?
DIRK: One of these days, people are going to respect me.
OB-EWAN leads his CLOWN TROOPS right past DIRK and they continue to take out the forward positions.
INT RATTATOULIE- THE FONDU POT ARENA PIT-DAY
A CADRE of assorted WEIRD LOOKING ALIENS duke it out for domination. A WEIRD-A** ONE-EYED BUG ALIEN throws a TINY YELLOW NET at a BIG BAD BLUE-SKINNED MONSTER. The net falls right off. and the MONSTER CLUBS THE WEIRD-A** BUG LIKE ALIEN to death repeatedly.
EXT SPACE
DOODU'S SOLAR SAIL SHIP RE-GORGES its disgusting membranous SAC and lands near the ARENA PIT'S ENTRANCE.
EXT RATTATOULIE-THE FONDU POT ARENA PIT-ENTRANCE-DAY
DOODU exits his ship and a GREEN-SKINNED AKIEN in a white cap and graduation gown talks gibberish.
DOODU: Cut the crap, Floorvent, I know it's you.
The alien shapeshifts into a ASAJJ FLOORVENT, a young ALBINO woman with no hair, who PROMPTLY jumps down into the arena, SHOCKING every alien by her SUDDEN ENTRANCE, who all keel over and die from heart attacks from the TRAUMA of their SHOCK. DOODU, in the stands, claps three times slowly then starts floating, like Count Dracula at his BEST, and touches down gracefully onto the arena floor.
DOODU: You don't look like a Sith, act like a Sith and you don't fight like a Sith.
FLOORVENT: But I am a Sith!
DOODU: You lack every quality of being a Sith, especially the fact that Sith have no fear, and I sense much fear in you.
FLOORVENT: You are a foolish old geezer who is a Count Dracula wannabee and knows NOTHING of the Dark Side of the Force!
DOODU: Indeed?
He turns and WALLOPS her with a good dose of don't-mess-with-me lightning and she falls to the floor, unconscious.
INT RATTATOULIE-SAME BUILDING AS THE FONDU POT ARENA PIT-BIG ROOM WITH BED-DAY
Floorvent wakes up on the bed and sees her green and blue brightsabres. She walks towards them, only to be ATTACKED by DOODU from BEHIND. She LEAPS UP into the air and Force-grabs her sabres and they battle. The battle is FURIOUS, but DOODU slices her SABRES in HALF, then puts his sabre to her THROAT.
DOODU: It would not be so easy to defeat a Sith. Were you watching, Lord Chin?
A RIDICULOUS-looking set of SPIDER-LEGS bears a HOLOGRAM of DARTH CHIN walks down some stairs..
CHIN: Sorry, I was busy, would you mind having your duel again? This time I promise I'll watch.
DOODU: I won.
CHIN: Oh, well I can see that.
FLOORVENT: So finish me off, already!
DOODU: We have other plans. Let me introduce you to the True Lord of the Dance, I mean, er, Sith, Darth Chin Sid-R-Us.
Whack
CHIN: I told you never to call me by that name, Lord Tinnitus!
DOODU: (Rubbing head) Sorry, Master.
CHIN: I have an assignment for you, Floorvent. A Jedi named Manakin Streetwalker fights in an air war above the planet Munalisp. I want him eliminated.
FLOORVENT: Jedi! Their Order is a fading light in the dark. Corrupt and arrogant! They must be punished! The Jedi shall fall!
DOODU: (Handing her a box) Consider this a gift.
It opens only to reveal it is EMPTY. Doodu grins sheepishly.
DOODU: Oops, I must have misplaced your new blades.
CHIN: You moron, they're in the kitchen where you left them.
DOODU: Oh, right! (Walks to kitchen, comes back with two curved blades)
DOODU: I was hungry. I sat down to eat a ham sandwich with Mayo, lettuce and horseradish. I meant to put them back in the box. I got them out to make sure they worked properly as I was eating.
FLOORVENT takes them and ignites the two red blades and crosses them over her chest.
EXT -RATTATOULIE-FONDU POT ARENA PIT -ENTRANCE-DAY
DOODU stands next to a HOLO of DARTH CHIN as they watch FLOORVENT take off in her SHIP.
DOODU: She will be more than a match for young Streetwalker.
CHIN: It matters not. She is merely an instrument to bring forth the eradication of the Jedi.
DOODU: You mean you don't really want Manakin dead? Why ever not?
CHIN: Um...never you mind! Just do your Sith deeds. (Fades out, leaving his spider legs standing at the CLIFF'S EDGE.)
DOODU: (Rolls eyes) Why does he always make me carry these blasted spider legs back inside?!
CHIN fades back in.
CHIN: Order me 66 hotdogs with extra relish! My Sith appetite knows no bounds!
DOODU: Yes, Master.
CHIN fades out.
Begrudgingly, DOODU carries the spider legs inside to put them away.
EXT. MUNALISP-DAY
OB-EWAN receives a transmission from the holoprojector on his wrist. It is DARTH CHIN taking a shower in his Sith Robe and hood, lifting his robe to scrub his legs.
OB-EWAN: Who the hell are you?!
CHIN: Oh, my pet Lothcat must have activated my holotransmitter. (Waves hand) You didn't see me.
OB-EWAN: Oh, I'm pretty sure I did see you. You look like the Sith Lord Count Doodu told me was in control of the Senate.
CHIN: Well, I'm not..
CHIN fades out and CLONE COMMANDER COODY fades in.
COODY: General McNobi, we are in position.
OB-EWAN: I'm on my way.
Holo fades. CHIN fades back in.
CHIN: (Singing in shower at top of his lungs) I'M SIIIIIIIINGIN' IN THE RAIIIIIIN, JUST SIIIIINGIN' IN THE RAIIIIIN....
OB-EWAN switches him off, shakes his head, mounts his COOL-LOOKING SPEEDER BIKE, and takes off toward UMB BANK HQ.
EXT UMB BANK HQ-MUNALISP-DAY
OB-EWAN rides his speeder bike up UMB BANK HQ'S STEEP OUTER WALL, jumps up and flies downward toward his TROOPS, his CAPE billowing outward behind him.
COODY: (Pointing to the sky) Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird..no, it's a plane, no..it's Super McNobi!
OB-EWAN lands atop the building.
OB-EWAN: (Sarcastically) Very funny, guys. Ha. Ha. Ha. A riot and a half. You give Chris Rock a run for his money.
INT UMB BANK HQ
GENERAL OB-EWAN McNOBI and his TROOPS land in the building, take out a few TINKER DRONES and TRICYCLE DROIDS, and a CLOWN TROOP brings FAT CAT BANKER 1 to McNOBI.
BANKER 1: Mercy, I beg you. I am merely a banker.
OB-EWAN: That is entirely up to you, and your unconditional surrender.
JUST THEN DIRK rockets through the WINDOW, breaking through the glass and his JETPACK EXPLODES and he falls SCREAMING to the FLOOR.
DIRK: Owie! I've got pieces of glass stuck in my face!
OB-EWAN: You again?! Is this some kind of joke?
All the CLONES open fire on DIRK, who EXPLODES, scattering GUTS and GORE EVERYWHERE, covering the CLONES, BAKERS, OB-EWAN and all the WALLS and TABLE.
COODY: Control Room secure, General.
OB-EWAN: Now that was totally unnecessary. He wasn't even a threat! (Turns to BANKER 1) Now, I believe we were discussing your full and unconditional surrender.
- •
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Re: The Clone Wars Humorous Version
EXT SPACE OVER MUNALISP
Every ship is still. No dogfighting is going on.
INT MANKIN'S JEDI STARFIGHTER-COCKPIT
Listening to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody,Manakin is watching Season 2 Episode 8 of The Mandalorian while munching caramel popcorn. With his free hand he is combing his hair.
MANAKIN: Oh my Frea**** GOD is that Luke?! Oh my God, it is! (Starts weeping for joy.)
When the show ends and the screen says The Book of Boba Fett coming 2022, MANAKIN'S ARTOO UNIT beeps.
MANAKIN: (Glancing at the translation on his Droid interface screen.) What, the camera's been rolling for TEN MINUTES?! Ok, look alive, people! Gold group, Green Group, form up behind me! Camera's rolling! Action!
A lively SPACE BATTLE continues right from where it left off before the station break. One hundred Droid fighers are chasing MANAKIN and firing at him from all angles and not a single one hits him. MANAKIN reverses thrusters and winds up BEHIND the enemy TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS and fires a FULL SPREAD, wiping out the entire SQUAD in seconds.
MANAKIN: Hey, its animation. Anything's possible.
SAMURI JACK goes by passing on the left, in his Xwing shaped like crossed Samuri blades.
MANAKIN: See, what did I tell you.
Suddenly the WACKY racers including YOGI BEAR AND BOO BOO and D I C K DASTARDLY race by in their modified racing ships. YOGI'S is shaped like a PICNIC BASKET.
MANAKIN: What next?
The kitchen sink and the bathroom wash tub pass to the left.
- •
Thread Starter- study3600
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Re: The Clone Wars Humorous Version
MUTTLEY: (Snickers)
ANAKIN: Fire all your missiles across the bow of that Separatist ship.
CLONE PILOT 1: But sir, there's nothing there!
ANAKIN: Do it now! That is an order!
All the CLONE PILOTS in the SQUADRON fire their missiles across the bow of the SEPARATIST ship.
The missiles pass over the bow with no result and fly into the void of space.
MUTTLEY: (Snickers)
HAN SOLO: That's not how the Force works!
ANAKIN crash lands in one of the SEPARATIST ships and accidentally blows up the main reactor, and escapes just as it blows up from the inside.
Then he does the same thing to the next ship.
And the next.
Ditto.
Ditto.
Ditto.
Until ALL THE SEPARATIST SHIPS are destroyed.
MUTTLEY: (Snickers)
- •
Thread Starter