TITLE REVENGE OF THE SITH HUMOROUS VERSION

SUBTITLE: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED SITH

Authors: study3600, agentj, Darth_Revvin, the_jedi_princess, fistofthedarklord, uncle_watto, Ludo_Kressh, Jandor_Tarvin, Coric_Colje, Delalyra, Arius Valdayn,   light-

WARNING STAR WARS AND MARVEL COMICS UNIVERSE SPOILERS!!!
Sex humor and language within.

All credit for anything not my own in these scripts goes to their authors. Any change or alteration made to any original material from other authors made for editorial purposes or for continuity or in keeping with the rules of theforce.net.


INTRODUCTION

How it all began....

Saturday, June 12, 1999


posted by Speak

Somebody on another message board I'm on wanted to see what would happen when we took the events of TPM and redid them in a humorous light. Partly as an experiment, I'd just like to see in what ways the two versions will differ. At the end, we can continue the story, keeping the humorous outlook if we so wish =) Please note that this is told in the present tense, because that's how I started to write it. =)

-Speak

 

So Speak, as well as the legendary Darth Vacuous and Purp are the real heroes of the Humorous Versions. I only kept them alive and started a few. But if it wasn't for them, the Humorous Versions vould not exist, and we would have no knowledge of them.

And also every person who has contributed is just as important as me.

Let's keep this going, guys (and girls). I encourage you lurkers to show your support.

GO HVs!


-study


Darth Vacuous:

You know, it really is a pain to make space battles funny. Purp was way better at it than I was.

Good to see the younger generation's kept things going, though. Keep it up, kids. I like what I see so far. "Is the Dark Side stronger?"
"No. Not stronger. Quicker. Easier. More seductive. Less filling."

 JANDOR_TARVIN:Greetings Fellow HV Writers!

Firstly let me welcome the new folks. We hope you enjoy your time spent here in our strange little corner of the galaxy  .

Secondly, Uncle_Watto you are absolutely right. We do need to keep on top of things and try to not skip scenes. There was a list of scenes that had not yet been posted a page or two back. I'll look over it and what we have so far and recompile the list of missing scenes again.

study3600: Forgive in advance the SW references but my story has to be told to you guys, and this is the best place for it because this is the only place you can safely without fear of censure from others talk about your beliefs as long as you are not pushy. I'll go back and read trhrough as many of your posts as I can get to later but I will not be drawn into one more argument with anyone.

Publicly, sai Jandor_Tarvin one of my Dinhs in the Forum, said in a Humorous Version Thread
Now, on to the main topic of my post.

Jandor Tarvin: It is with much regret that I find myself being the bearer of unfortunate news. I received some email from Study3600 recently. It was the first time I had heard from him in quite a while. He is in the process of moving to Missouri, which is why he hasn't had the time to keep up with things lately. But even more sadly, he told me that he no longer has the time to keep up with the HV's at all. There are greater things for him to consider at this time.

This is a great shame I feel, as Study3600 is both a funny and talented writer. In fact it was he who first got a number of the HV's off the ground after his initial involvement with the original HV, The Phantom Menace. I first met him when I became involved with the Attack of the Clones HV. He and I had been working on compiling the many HV's to put them up for perusal. Although he no longer has the time for such tasks, I shall endeavour to continue with this project, as well as the HV's so that his original ideas might finally come to fruition.


Well I've rambled back and forth and probably made little sense. I suppose the basic premise of my post is simply to say that Study3600 will be greatly missed, and that we could never have gotten as far as we have without him. -September 20, 2005.

In June of 2021, I (Brent Sohlden V or study888 or srudy3600 or study3600) wrote to Jandor_Tarvin, the following:

I'm sorry for blowing you and the humorous Versions off a few yearw back. Now I've been hard at work on them, publishing them on tf.net, my website also called maraluke and on inkitt. I have been of late trying to recruit help for them on my discord servers and have been writing new scenesm and editing them and putting scenes in order. Do you forgive me? Will you come back to help an old fool like me with these HV's? I am, by the way still very much so a Christian. Just check out my posts in the Theist/Atheist Thunderdome and that much is apparent. I have learned to reconcile my religious beliefs with belief in the Force and my love for Star Wars.I won't say what or if he wrote back in response. These are my own words only and I am at liberty to share my own words. This is not just to Jandor_Tarvin but to the entire JC. My long absence from the JC was not due to increasing faith, but increasing doubt that I was ever truly called to Star Wars things or if the Force was even real at all. If there is no Force, what then is the point of Star Wars or how can, seeing it in its entirety (at least, the first six movies in some twisted Macheti style order that made no real sense) and knowing what she knew and believing what she believes in, she then bring herself, I say after watching it that it is “good”. The woman does't call things good lightly. You will be hard pressed to get her to admit that even some things that she does not believe in but are true are good at all. But then she asked me, who at the time was having doubts and misgivings about the Force (2005 was almost gone and we had just seen all the movies plus Episode III, the latest DVD release to hit stores, and I had just moved to Missouri for the first time), what was meant by “May the Power Be With you?” For to her mind every reference in the films to the Force was a reference to what the Force is at its very essence, the Power of the Fa and the To. Fa So La Ti Do. (One would suppose that So La Ti Jedi were in the Gray Jedi area like Dooku Kreia and Qui-Gon, So more Grey like Kreia, La Rogue Dark like Dooku and Ti Rogue Light like Qui-Gon, but I philosophitatingly welcomly digress). And I, fool that I was gave her the worst possible biased, colored by bigotry explanation of the Force's nature, not only calling it impersonal, but saying it (as one entity, not polar as it is, with Dark of the Light and Light of The Dark, yin and yang so they call that now) was just as capable of evil as it was of good. Oh how that made her dissuade me from my Star Wars calling and dreams for years, even to the point where I would periodically do a “Jedi Purge” of my own, outright trashing (read throw away in the garbage) anything and everything I owned related to or that reminded me of Star Wars, the very same thing I did to the honored memory of my future wife. The exact same thing. And as I treated her memory, I did this with Star Wars also more than once, even blaming Star Wars and my sweetheart for my sexual addiction and convincing my spiritual mentor of this to the point she believed this lie and advised me ever after accordingly,. And it has proven to be not true!

So goodbye to doubt, hello to faith, and I will forever more embrace Star Wars as one of my most but not the most important callings in life. The most important by far is to serve God in His Priesthood and to be a loving husband ,father and Missionary to the nations some time after the next major global conflict that will open the doors wide for the Gospel to be preached to all the world. Thank you for hearing me out.


This is a collaborative work for anyone in on the Fanfic (on theforce.net boards) Forums to join in. Meaning one person starts and then someone else adds to the story until it is completed. I have done the first several scenes, but I hope to see a wide array of multi-author talent throughout.

What is a Humorous Version?

A long time ago in the JCC....
It was a time before the jump to Snowboards.
When Speak, Darth Vacuous and Purp arose to create....
The Star Wars Humorous Versions.
This is the story of Star Wars told in a humorous and hilarious light.
Or, in the words of Speak, keeping a humorous outlook if we so wish.
And so we wished.
And now it is time for a new generation to have a turn.
To start anew.
The HV's are reborn. (From the ashes of their deadness)
New jokes.
New ideas.
Many new character names.
And a whole lot of fun.
And when we get to Episode VII it will be all new territory for all.

Original introduction............
Why don't we redo the TPM Humerous Version and finish the missing portions of the other Humorous Versions to finish the project? Let's keep swearing to a minimum (please star it out (ex./ ****)) and also keep out the excessive sexual innuendos. Let's just have fun and see what we can do. Let's try to keep most jokes we remember from the old ones to a minimum in the TPM HV redo, and be original as possible. The AoTC the script can be found in The Art of Attack of the Clones book. (Ah, but AOTC HV is now COMPLETE!    )  All the rest of the complete scripts can be found online except for The Force Awakens, which has to be done from memory as of now.. (But NOW is available!) This should be a great project and in honor of Purp and Darth Vacuous let's keep the Whack . And the names LiGon and ObEwan and Manakin, and try to find a different name for Coruscant each time it is mentioned. But everything else that the rest of the Humorous Versions haven't already established as far as names go can be different. Have fun! I'll start. (No let's keep ALL the names consistant)
-Brent [Edit- If anyone has any suggestions for improvement on any of my posts please PM me, and let that be the general pattern for the whole series. We can all PM each other with suggestions for improvement or constructive criticism.]
[Note- now that Episode VII has arrived I have started I have started the TFA HV.] -June 6, 2014If ANYONE owns a copy of the original TPM Humorous Version PLEASE email it to me. Thnx!-study
 

PROLOGUE:

The following scene(s) is/are not included in the ROTS HV Script, however sin ce it is very funny, I will include it/them here:

****Automatically generated humorous ROTS script***

using "jive" by entering the script into the Dialectizer (http://rinkworks.com/dialect/ - all credits to them)!
82 and 83

 82 INT. CORUSCANT-JEDI TEMPLE-HALLWAY OUTSIDE COUNCIL CHAMBERS-DAY

ANAKIN stands pensively in front uh de Jedi Council Chambers. De doo' opens.

83 INT. CORUSCANT-JEDI TEMPLE-COUNCIL CHAMBERS-DAY

ANAKIN enters and stands in de middle uh de room. WORD! He be surrounded by de Jedi Council MACE WINDU, EETH KOTH OBI-WAN, YODA, de HOLOGRAMS uh PLO KOON and KI-ADI-MUNDI.

MACE: Anakin Skywalker, we gots approved yo' appointment t'de Council as de Chancello''s sucka'al representative.

ANAKIN: ah' gots'ta do mah' best t'uphold da damn principles uh de Jedi Order. Ah be baaad...

YODA: Allow dis appointment lightly, de Council duz not. Man! Disturbin' be dis move by Chancello' Palpatine.

ANAKIN: ah' dig it.

MACE: You's is on dis Council, but we do not grant ya' de rank uh Master. Ah be baaad...

Anakin reacts wid anger. Ah be baaad...

ANAKIN: Whut? ! Right on! How kin ya' do dis?? Dis be outrageous, it's unfair . . . I'm mo'e powerful dan any uh ya'. How kin ya' be on de Council and not be some Master?

MACE: Snatch some seat, yung Skywalker. Ah be baaad...

ANAKIN: Fo' gimme, Master. Ah be baaad...

ANAKIN goes and sits in one uh de empty chairs. Everyone be embarrassed. KI-ADI-MUNDI WHO APPEARS AS A HOLOGRAM, raps.

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: We gots surveyed all systems in de Republic, and gots found no sign uh General Grievous.

YODA: Hidin' in de Outa' Rim, Grievous is. De outlyin' systems, ya' gots'ta sweep. Jes hang loose, brud.

OBI-WAN: It may snatch some time . . . we do not gots many ships t'spare.

MACE: We kinnot snatch ships fum de front line.

OBI-WAN: And yet, it would be fatal fo' us t'allow de droid armies t'regroup. Jes hang loose, brud.

YODA: Masta' Kenobi, our spies contact, ya' must, and den wait. Man!

Kl-ADI-MUNDI: Whut about da damn droid attack on de Wookiees?

MACE: It be critical we drow an attack group dere, immediately! Right on!

OBI-WAN: He's right, dat be a system we kinnot affo'd t'lose. It's de main navigashun route fo' de soudwestern quadrant. Man!

ANAKIN: ah' know dat system well. It would snatch us little time t'roll de droids off dat planet. Man!

MACE: Skywalker, yo' assignment be here wid de Chancello', and Kenobi gots'ta find General Grievous.

YODA: Go, ah' will. Good relashuns wid de Wookiees, ah' have.

MACE: It be settled den. 'S coo', bro. Yoda gots'ta snatch some battalion uh clones t'reinfo'ce da damn Wookiees on Kashyyyk. Ya' know? May de Fo'ce be wid us all.

ANAKIN be disappointed.



 



A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION


A long time ago in the future....


SC 01 EXT.SPACE



A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the Main Title, followed by a rollup, which crawls into infinity....boy, I don't have to write that sentence again for twelve years! YIPPEE!


best image hosting







THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS







EPISODE III: REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED SITH







Oh no, my I.Q. just dropped a few points and I can't form complete sentences!



War! The Republic! It's crumbling! Under attacks! By the ruthless Sith Lord! Named COUNT DOODU! There are heroes! On both sides! Evil! It's everywhere!



Oh, my brain hurts.



In a stunning move, the fiendish Clone Wars villain GENERAL GREEDY has swept into the Republic capital with a broom and kidnapped Cameo Palpitatine, leader of the Galactic Em- er, Republic. Why he is doing this when the entire audience knows Palpitatine is the bad guy no one can figure.



As the Separatist Tinker Drone Army attempts to flee the beswept capital with their obviously evil hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Cameo....







PAN DOWN to reveal a REPUBLIC ATTACK CRUISER. Continue to PAN if you can can with the Cruiser, as TWO JEDI STARFIGHTERS enter and head towards an enemy Battle Cruiser. TRUCK with the Jedi Fighters (I didn't know trucks could fly in space!) as they maneuver in unison, dodging flack and enemy laser fire. R2-Detour is on Manakin's ship. AMNOT-PP7 is on Ob-Ewan's ship. The truck that was with the Jedi is gone. A giant, (and quite frankly the best one I've ever seen!) space battle is revealed as the tiny Jedi ships continue their assault in a synchronous waltz.











SC 02 INT. OB-EWAN McNOBI'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







OB-EWAN bounces through the flack with a frown. Very descriptive. His ship rocks violently.











SC 03 INT. MANAKIN STREETWALKER'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







MANAKIN smiles as he blasts a TRADER CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER. He's smiling because lots and lots of pyrotechnists died to bring you that effect.







MANAKIN: There isn't a droid made that can out-fly you, Master, probably because--other than myself--you are the hero of this epic. ...And since Mr. Lucas scripted it this way, there is no other way to get to the Cameo....







OB-EWAN: Look out! More incredibly detailed CGI effects coming this way...!







SC 04 EXT. CORUSCANNOTEVERCALLITCORUSCANT-SPACE BATTLE







The TWO JEDI FIGHTERS swerve in unison as FOUR TRADER CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS attack. After several clever moves by the Jedi (which should include a MOONWALK, the BUMP and that POINTED FINGER POSE that was popular in the disco days), two of the CONVENTION'S TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS collide with each other in a ball of flame. Many OOOS and AAAAHS are heard from an unseen audience.







SC 05 INT. OB-EWAN'S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







OB-EWAN struggles to maintain control of his ship.







OB-EWAN: We've got to split up. And see if you can get a few of those Tinker dropper fighters to follow you.







MANAKIN: Break left, fly through the guns on that tower.







OB-EWAN: You worry about those fighters. I'll worry about the tower!







OB-EWAN flies to the left of a huge tower on a REPUBLIC CRUISER. The two TINKER DROPPER FIGHTERS follow.







OB-EWAN: Why am I always the bait?







Whack







OB-EWAN: Ow! I How do you do that over the Comm link?







MANAKIN: Li-Gon's ghost taught me-and he told me to remind you-







OB-EWAN:-There's always a bigger fish, yes, I know.







MANAKIN: No. That you're a much wiser man than him, and that he forsees you'll become a great Jedi Knight.







OB-EWAN: I'm a Jedi Master! A great Jedi Knight! Manakin, to your left!







MANAKIN: I see 'em. Watch that crossfire boys!







CLONE PILOT: Copy, Gold Leader.







MANAKIN: Ob-Ewan, you got two on your right. Watch it!







MANAKIN BLASTS away at a TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER as ARTOO BEEPS an angry warning.







CLONE PILOT #1: All wings report in.







CLONE PILOT#2: Red 6 standing by......







RICK OILY: Fighters, straight ahead.







Whack







OB-EWAN: I'm going down on the deck.







MANAKIN: Good idea.... I need some room to show of my great piloting skills.







OB-EWAN, in an effort to get out of the way of MANAKIN'S large ego, dives toward the surface of one of the larger TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESHIPS and is forced to fly through a very complicated CGI rendering that leaves everyone speechless. Suddenly he dons his retro-looking reader glasses while he skims the surface for his next lines. Outside in the space battle, he is followed by the TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER, which is followed by MANAKIN.







MANAKIN: Cut right. Do you hear me?! Cut right. Don't let him get a handle on you. Come on, Artoo! Lock on! Lock on!







ARTOO BEEPS. The censors are elated that the translation which appears on MANAKIN'S screen is, in fact, a made-up language so that the audience doesn't catch on to what ARTOO just said about MANAKIN'S dubious heritage.







OB-EWAN: (ripping the glasses from his face in disgust as he finishes reading the script and realises that he will have to spend a great deal of future scenes completely unconscious strapped to MANAKIN'S backside) Hurry up! I don't like this!







OB-EWAN flies through a narrow gap between two towers on a BATTLESHIP. The TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER hits one of OB-EWAN's wings with a laser blast, and parts of the ship go flying around OB-EWAN's Astropop Droid, AM-NOT.







OB-EWAN: Ouch!







AM-NOT BEEPS a blue streak. The censors open up their laptop computers in attempt to connect to the CGI computers and doctor the lines of the script. OB-EWAN sees this and releases his virus hacking program POINT-OF-VIEW into their email, which disables all their attempts into the system.







OB-EWAN: Don't even try to fix it, Am-Not. I've shut it down.







MANAKIN: We're locked on.... We've got him....







MANAKIN drops in behind the TINKER DROPPER FIGHTER and blows him apart. ARTOO SQUEALS with delight. Like MANAKIN, ARTOO likes the idea of pyrotechnists dying to create their special effects.







MANAKIN: Yeah! We got him.... Good going, Artoo.







OB-EWAN: Next time, you're the bait.... (sighing as he realises he'll be considered the bad guy at the end of the movie when he has to walk away from a crispy fried MANAKIN) Now, let's find the Command Ship and get on with it....







AM-NOT BEEPS yet another blue streak. Before OB-EWAN can remind him that the MPAA will only allow one or two bad words in a PG-13 movie, MANAKIN'S voice interrupts him--







MANAKIN: Lock onto them, Artoo. Master, General Grievously's ship is directly ahead.







OB-EWAN rolls his eyes because he knows that's not his real name.







SC 06 INT OB-EWAN'S FIGHTER COCKPIT--where else but SPACE







OB-EWAN: Oh, I see it. Wow, this's gonna be easy...just like nailing womp rats on Patootie.







WHACK







GL: What'd I tell you about excessive foreshadowing?







OB-EWAN: Yes, master...







AHEAD is a TINKER CONVENTION CRUUUZER with PNEUMATIC SUSPENSION, SPINNER HUBCAPS, a multi-million Watt BOSE BLASTER 9000 sound system, and lots of TINKER MULCHING DROIDS...the droids assume wood-chipper configuration and begin swarming towards the JEDI STARFIGHTERS







MANAKIN: Come on, Master. If you were going any slower, you'd be backing up!







OB-EWAN: Not this time. There's not enough wood stakes. We need help. Cue Ball, do you copy?







CUE BALL: Only from the smart kids, Red Leader.







OB-EWAN: Mark my position and form your squad up behind me.







SC 07 INT CUE BALL's COCKPIT







CUE BALL: We're right behind you, General McNobi. Set Aluminum Foils in oven and heat to 325...







The PROTECTIVE RAY SHIELD on the main hangar of the TINKER CONVENTION CRUUUUZER lowers, and six new DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS emerge and join the MULCHER FIGHTERS heading for the STRIKE FORCE. The JEDI STARFIGHTERS extend Aluminum Foils from the tips of their wings, like CONFETTI STREAMERS







OB-EWAN: Do you copy, EIGHT BALL?







EIGHT BALL: With a Xerox, Red Leader!







OB-EWAN: Form up and get ready for our attack run!







INT MANAKIN'S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







MANAKIN: This is where the fun begins. Ten Mulcher Droids, straight ahead, coming down the left side...







ARTOO beeps a worried message







OB-EWAN: Add five Tricycle Fighters on the right.







MANAKIN: I'm going head to head. See ya, sucker.







MANAKIN'S FIGHTER leaps ahead







OB-EWAN: (singing along with Eagles music blasting from cockpit speakers) Take it eeeeeeaaaasy, take it eeeeaaaaassssy/don't let the sound of your own wheels/drive you craaaaazy.







MANAKIN makes a face as the music and OB-EWAN's horrible singing blast through his headset.







Four CLONE FIGHTERS move into formation behind the Jedi







CUE BALL: I'm on your right, Red Leader.







MANAKIN: INCOMING!!!!







EIGHT BALL: HIT THE DECK!!!! *looking around* Where's Charlie?! Where?!







EIGHT BALL'S FIGHTER breaks off and begins flying back towards the REPUBLIC FLEET, spraying fire in random directions







ARTOO squeals like a TEENAGE GIRL at her first N'STYNK concert as five DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS pass on the right.







MANAKIN: (shaking his fist as they fly by) don't you know, PASS on the LEFT?! Where'd you get your flying license?! The University of Bob?!







OB-EWAN: Five more on the left!







Four more DROID MULCHER FIGHTERS pass on the left, flashing their lights and honking. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN continue to fly in unison, ARTOO squeals again.







MANAKIN: Here we go!!







The kitchen sink also passes to the left.







MANAKIN (CONT'D): Yep they included that in this battle too.







The JEDI STARFIGHTERS loop around the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS, ending up behind them. The Jedi blast away, while the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS erupt in massive pyrotechnic displays







OB-EWAN: I'm going high and right!







MANAKIN: Hang on, there are four more of them.







OB-EWAN: Stay with me, Manakin! Swing back and right...







MANAKIN: Come ON. Give it some juice, gramma!







OB-EWAN: Ok, come on, and hurry. These droids are on me like Swamp Rot on one of the Hutt's dancing Twi-Leks!!







In one incredible move. MANAKIN swings in behind the DROID TRICYCLE FIGHTERS, blasting the hey out of them one by one until there is only one left.







ARTOO: Holy ****!







ARTOO lets out a HOWL as MANAKIN accelerates past the last TRICYCLE FIGHTER, slams on the brakes (since when is there friction in space?) , flips the fighter around, and BLASTS the living SNOT out of the Fighter in front. Meanwhile OB-EWAN yawns, drumming his fingers on his dashboard, watching his former apprentice act all macho. MANAKIN looks behind him.







MANAKIN: How many more back there I need to give an a**whuppin to, Artoo? (Artoo beeps once) One....(Artoo Beeps again) Two...(Artoo Beeps a third time)...Three.....Any more? (Artoo beeps five more times rapidly) Uh oh! Very funny, Artoo.







OB-EWAN: Manakin, you have eight on your tail!







MANAKIN: Dude, my Artoo unit can count! Tell me something I don't know!







OB-EWAN: Four more closing from your left.







MANAKIN: Thanks a lot!







OB-EWAN: Break right and go high.







MANAKIN: I'm going low and left.







OB-EWAN shakes his head, knowing from having read the script just how LOW and LEFT Manakin would be going in the future.











OB-EWANTo himself) He still has much to learn.







MANAKIN swoops low across a TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESTAR, dodging flack as ARTOO tries to get a sentence out







MANKIN: Hang on, Artoo...Ob-Ewan, do you copy? I'm going to peep through the keyhole.







OB-EWAN: Too dangerous! First Jedi rule: ?Don't get caught.?







MANAKIN: Sorry, no choice. Listen, you could come down here and thin their ranks a little.







OB-EWAN drops in behind the TINKER MULCHER FIGHTERS as they chase MANAKIN. AMNOT beeps to OB-EWAN







OB-EWAN: C'mon Metamucil...keep me regular...steady, steady...now, break left!!







OB-EWAN fires as he swings back and forth behind the TINKER MULCHER FIGHTERS, blowing away four. MANAKIN heads for a trench along the side of a TINKER CONVENTION BATTLESTAR. He flies into the trench, which ends in a conning tower with a small slit between two main struts. Laser fire erupts everywhere around MANAKIN's STARFIGHTER.







CUE BALL: Manakin, switch on your targeting computer.







OB-EWAN: You'll never get through there, it's too tight.







MANAKIN: I've heard that before.







ARTOO whines nervously







MANAKIN: Don't worry, Artoo...I've done this before. He winks







OB-EWAN(VO): Use the Force, Luke. Reach out with your feelings.







MANAKIN: What the hell?! Who's Luke?







ARTOO squeals in a panic. On the VDU screen, ARTOO's squeal reads out: ?WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT/NO, WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT/WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT, ANYMORE!







MANAKIN: Wrong thought, Artoo.







MANAKIN slips through the narrow gap, sparks showering behind where he scraped through. The trailing MULCHER FIGHTERS crash in a fabulous display of pyrotechnics







MANAKIN: I made it through..barely. (He surveys the damage to his fighter's paint job...) DAMN. And I just GOT this custom job done on a special Jedi edition of REPUBLICAN CHOPPER!!







OB-EWAN continues to fire on the MULCHER FIGHTERS, chasing them into the continuing explosion at the ?keyhole?. A CLONE FIGHTER is hit and EXPLODES, the pilot flying off into space. Finally, OB-EWAN breaks off and pulls up alongside MANAKIN. CLONE POOL HALL SQUAD SEVEN joins the fight with the TINKER FIGHTERS







CUE BALL: There are too many of them.







FOUR BALL: Two droids, corner pocket.







FOUR BALL'S fighter rolls into position behind two MULCHER FIGHTERS and zaps them. They explode in a hail of fiery shrapnel...meanwhile four more loop in behind FOUR BALL'S CLONE FIGHTER







FOUR BALL: They're all over me, get them off my...







The MULCHER FIGHTERS get into position behind FOUR BALL and start using their MULCHER BLADES to shred his fighter. Pieces fly off in a stream behind the MULCHERS







FOUR BALL: I'm poppin the top, Colonel!!







FOUR BALL'S escape pod rockets away from the FIGHTER, just before the MULCHER FIGHTERS chew into the engines, which DETONATE, taking out the MULCHERS and a TRICYCLE FIGHTER







MANAKIN: I'm going to help them!







OB-EWAN: No! They are doing their jobs, so we can do ours. Now, let's go.







Another CLONE FIGHTER is hit and bursts into flames. A MULCHER FIGHTER raises its head to find a worthy target and locks on MANAKIN and OB-EWAN's FIGHTERS, firing MISSILES at them







MANAKIN: Missiles! Pull up!







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN break right and left, and the missiles follow them. The Missiles chase them for a while, as they try to dodge them.







OB-EWAN: Okay, Manakin, it's time to eject our spare parts cannisters.







MANAKIN: But we do that every mission...







OB-EWAN: It works, doesn't it? Okay, AM-NOT, eject the spare parts cannisters.







MANAKIN: Artoo, eject the ******* cannisters!







ARTOO: Whatever you say, boss.







The two fighters eject their spare parts cannisters, which the missiles collide with and explode







OB-EWAN: They overshot us . . .







MANAKIN: What?! They exploded!







OB-EWAN: Sorry. That was the next line in the script. AM-NOT, can you find me some good tunes on the radio?







Beehtoven's Fifth blares over the speakers







OB-EWAN: All right, AM-NOT. No, no. Nothing too fancy.







MANAKIN grins. He loves classical music







MANAKIN: More missiles coming in at 05. I can handle these.







ANAKIN spins his starfighter. The missiles spin and collide







MANAKIN: We got 'em. Artoo!







Two more missiles are tracking track Ob-Ewan.







OBI-WAN: Flying is for droids.







ORVILLE AND WILBUR WRIGHT, FIVE BIRDS AND A BUNCH OF FLYING INSECTS: It is?







Suddenly, OBI-WAN shudders, and his ship starts to plummet toward the surface of the Trade Federation Cruiser. The trailing missiles fly into what looks like debris, and detonate. Five silver eggs fly out of the debris and attach themselves to the ship. The eggs hatch, revealing SMALL BUZZARDS that begin to crawl across the surface like Spider-Man.







OB-EWAN: I'm hit! Manakin?







MANAKIN: I see them . . . Buzzards.







The BUZZARDS crawl across Obi-Wan's ship in a circle and start to tear it apart. SPARKS ERUPT where the BUZZARDS break into the wiring. One of the BUZZARDS goes after AMNOT.







OB-EWAN: Amnot, be careful. You have one . . .







AMNOT's head gets ripped off and flies away.







OB-EWAN: Oh dear. And I'd just installed a bar fridge, too. They're shutting down all the controls.







MANAKIN: You think? Move to the right so I can get a clear shot at them.







OB-EWAN: The mission. Get to the Command Ship. Get the Cameo! I'm running out of tricks here.







MANAKIN: Tricks? You were using tricks?



BOY: Silly Jedi Rabbi, Trix are for kids!



OB-EWAN: Shut up and get on with it. (Takes the final bite of his Trix cereal and drinks the milk)



MANAKIN moves into position just off OB-EWAN's left side and angles his ship so his guns are pointing at the DROIDS crawling over OB-EWAN?s Starfighter.



OB-EWAN: Be careful. I'm still paying this thing off!



MANAKIN fires and vaporizes the TWO BUZZDARDS, along with the left wing of Obi-Wan's ship.



OB-EWAN: (continuing) #@*$%!!!!



MANAKIN: Steady . . . steady . . . there are children watching...



OB-EWAN: Manakin, hold your fire . . . hold your fire. You're not helping here.



MANAKIN: I agree, bad idea. Swing right . . . ease over . . . steady . . .



JAB-JAB RINKS: Steady, steady.



MANAKIN: I thought study3600 killed your froggy a** back in the last Humorous Version.



JAB-JAB: fistofthedarklord didn't want me dead so he wrote me back into the story, plus I need to be in the Clown Wars, Mesa have lotsascenes dere. Mesa even getta girlfriend! Ya-hoooo!



MANAKIN: Well go wait on Coruscant until your next scene.



JAB-JAB: Okeday.



MANAKIN: Say that one more time.



JAB-JAB: Okeday.



Whack



OB-EWAN: Don't even think of trying that stunt you pulled again, Manakin.



MANAKIN: But Master, it-



OB-EWAN: You're grounded.










MANAKIN: What?







OB-EWAN: And the damage is coming out of your allowance.







MANAKIN: WHAT!?







OB-EWAN: Wait . . . wait . . . I can't see a thing! My cockpit's fogging. They're all over me, Anakin.







MANAKIN grins, lining up OB-EWAN's cockpit in his crosshairs.







MANAKIN: Move to the right.







OB-EWAN: Hold on, Manakin. You're going to get us both killed! Get out of here. There's nothing more you can do.







MANAKIN: I'm not leaving without you, Master.







MANAKIN moves his ship next to OB-EWAN's and tries to physically knock the BUZZARDS off. There are five left. He manages to get one off, but badly dents OB-EWAN's ship in the process. One of the BUZZARDS tears apiece off of the front of OB-EWAN's ship. Flames burst out, and more smoke billows out, obscuring the Jedi's view.







OB-EWAN: I know I said I wanted a nice barbecue this weekend, but not here!







MANAKIN knocks off three of the BUZZARDS and the fourth crawls out onto MANAKIN's ship and starts attacking ARTOO. ARTOO fights the BUZZARD.







ARTOO: Die rebel scum!







OBI-EWAN: Blast it ... I can't see . . . my controls are gone.







MANAKIN doesn't hear. He is sitting back in his cockpit, beer in one hand and popcorn in the other, using the hands free phone kit to make a call to his booky to put money down on the outcome of the fight between ARTOO and the BUZZARD.







MANAKIN: Get 'em, Artoo. Watch out!







OB-EWAN: Artoo, hit the buzz droid's center eye.







ARTOO extends an arm and aims a stream of electricity at the swerving BUZZARD. The BUZZARD is hit squarely in the eye and falls off the ship.







MANAKIN: Yeah, you got him!







OB-EWAN: Great, Artoo. A bit cliche, but great.







MANAKIN: Stay on my wing . . . the General's Command Ship is at 12 o'clock.







OB-EWAN: What o'clock?







MANAKIN: 12 o'clock.







OB-EWAN: What's at 12 o'clock?







MANAKIN: The General's Command Ship.







OB-EWAN: What?







MANAKIN: (annoyed) Straight ahead.







OB-EWAN: That's better. Now say the line properly.







MANAKIN: (sighs) Stay on my wing . . . the General's Command Ship is dead ahead. Easy . . . pull up ... Head for the hangar.







OB-EWAN: Have you noticed the shields are still up?







MANAKIN: Oh?!? Sorry, Master.







OB-EWAN: (to himself) Why me?







MANAKIN streaks ahead of OB-EWAN's disintegrating Jedi Fighter and blasts the shield generator. It SPARKS and EXPLODES.







OB-EWAN: Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.







Whack







A jedi starship blows up! Ob-Ewan is panicking


OB-EWAN: Anakin! Are you okay! Anakin? Speak to me!







MANAKIN: Yea! I'm fine! That was somebody else.







OB-EWAN: O Manakin, thank goodness you're back. There were whispers...that you've been killed. I've been living with unbearable dread.







MANAKIN: Look out for the lasers!







They barely avoid in coming fire from a huge battleship. George Lucas is cackling evilly behind the controls.







GEORGE LUCAS: AND THAT'S FOR MOCKING ME!!!!







Ahead is a TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER with batlike DROID VULTURE FIGHTERS stalking around on the hull. The VULTURE FIGHTERS transform into flight configuration, lift off the CRUISER, and attack the JEDI STARFIGHTERS.







MANAKIN: Come on, Master.







OB-EWAN: Not this time. There's too much at stake. We need help. Odd Ball, do you copy?







ODD BALL: (OS) Copy, Red Leader.







OB-EWAN: Mark my position and form your squad up behind me . . .







SC 08 INT. ODD BALL'S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE







ODD BALL: We're on your tail, General Kenobi. Set S-foils in attack position.







OB-EWAN: Good. how about dip stick? Do YOU copy?







Dip Stick: Copy, Red Leader.







OB-EWAN: Cover us. We're going on. Moron! Do you copy?







No answer.







OB-EWAN: MORON!!! ...HEY! ANAKIN! I'm talking to you!







MANAKIN: Master!!!!















SC 09 INT. MAIN HANGAR-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







The shield door drops away, and OB-EWAN crashes on the deck of the hangar bay, engulfed in a FANTAIL OF SPARKS. A set of blast doors starts SLAMMING shut across the hangar opening, as material is sucked into space.







MANAKIN maneuvers around the oncoming junk and flies into the hangar just as the blast doors SLAM shut.



OB-EWAN ignites his light saber and cuts his way out of the cockpit. He jumps dear just as his ship EXPLODES. BATTLE DROIDS rush at him from all directions.







MANAKIN jumps out of his ship and cuts his way through the BATTLE DROIDS to where OB-EWAN is fighting. ARTOO pops out of the ship and follows MANAKIN.







OB-EWAN: Artoo, locate the Chancellor.







MANAKIN: Tap into the ship's computers.







They cut down the last of the droids and follow ARTOO over to a computer wall socket. The two JEDI fight off FOUR MORE DROIDS as ARTOO tries to find the Chancellor. Finally, a HOLOGRAM of the Trade Federation ship appears.







OB-EWAN: The Chancellor's signal is coming from right there. The observation platform at the top of that spire.







MANAKIN: I sense Count Dooku . . .







OB-EWAN: I sense a trap.







MANAKIN: Next move?







OB-EWAN: Spring the trap.







MANAKIN: (annoyed) Well...duh. Yeah. Spring the trap. Sweet. Okay let's go.







SC 10 INT. WIDE HALLWAY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







MANAKIN: ARTOO, I need you to stay with the ship. (tosses comm link to Artoo, who catches it.







SC 11 INT. BRIDGE-TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER







GENERALLY GRIEVOUSLY enters the bridge of the TRADER CONVENTION CRUIZER. He stands in front of the NEMATODIAN CAPTAIN, a Kaleesh Kabana smoking in his hand.



.



GG: *cough* What's the situation, Captain? *Wheeze cough*







NEMATODIAN CAPTAIN: You might have emphysema, General. You should lay off the cigars.







GG: You fool! *cough* Emphysema or not, I can't "kick" the habit. [kicks CAPTAIN in the knees, brings his head an inch from CAPTAIN's face, hacks up smoke, blows the smoke into CAPTAIN's face]







NEMATODIAN CAPTAIN: *cough* TWO Jedi are dancing in the main hangar bay. If you look at my monitor, only pain you'll find there.







GG: Hard to watch. *wheeze*







CAPTAIN: And hard NOT to watch! Noooooooooo...







GG: Tell me it isn't...







CAPTAIN: The Jedi macarena! [takes cigar from GG] *cough*







GG: *cough* Just as Count Doodu predicted. *loud hiccup*











SC 12 INT. WIDE HALLWAY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER











The two JEDI wait for an elevator to arrive, shouting in unison "HEEEEEY MACARENA" and concluding their bizarre dance ritual. OB-EWAN impatiently keeps pressing the buttons.







OB-EWAN: (in homer simpson voice) Lousy rotten no good elevator! Oh!!!







They turn around and see they are face to face with THREE DESTROYER DROIDS.







MANAKIN: Hey do you know if the elevators working.







The DROIDS start blasting away. Manakin deflects the bolts. OB-EWAN frantically pushes the elevator button several more times.







MANAKIN: Destroyers!!







OB-EWAN: Yes Manakin, don't bother with them they're trying to blast down the doors, see?







Finally the door opens, and they rush inside under a hail of laser bolts. The elevator door slides shut. The JEDI turn to see BATTLE DROIDS standing behind them.







BATTLE DROID: Drop your weapons! I said drop 'em.







The JEDI activate their brightsabers and destroy all the BATTLE DROIDS.







SC 13 INT. WIDE HALLWAY-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







ARTOO notices two SUPER TINKER DRONES heading his way. He hides behind a JEDI STARFIGHTER.

SC 14 INT-ELEVATOR-TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







OB-EWAN: You're nervous. Relax. You haven't been this nervous well since we fell into that pile of pudu.







MANAKIN: You fell into that nightmare, Master and I rescued you. It took eight months and hundreds of showers to get that smell off you, remember?







Suddenly the elevator stops.







The BACK elevator door opens. A MAINTENANCE MAN pushes in a big FLOOR BUFFER, and presses the button for Ground floor.







MAINTENANCE MAN: I'm sorry, but this elevator is going to the ground floor before it will take you guys up. Priority, you know.







MANAKIN slices through the ceiling in a circle, force pushes the cut section of ceiling up and out, and OB-EWAN and MANAKIN shoot upward.







MAINTENANCE MAN (sings): Loneliness is such sad affair.......

SC 15 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT- TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







Manaki and Ob-Ewan struggle to hang on to the window ledge of the elevator shaft. The door to the elevator shaft is pried open, and two TINKER DRONES appear in the doorway and look down at the TWO JEDI. They point their guns at them.







DROID ONE: Hands up.







OB-EWAN: All things considered, that probably wouldn't be such a good idea right now. Artoo, we need you to make that elevator go up. We need a ride! Artoo!







SC 16 INT. MAIN HANGAR- TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







Artoo stops cowering and decides that he wants an opportunity finally to do something else heroic in this saga, so he races to the controls and



makes the elevators go up.







SC 17 INT. ELEVATOR CAR







MAINTENANCE MAN: (continuing to sing):....There are times when you will find I have almost lost my mind-whadda-I'm supposed to be going down, not up!







He tries pressing then G button again and again but to no avail. He pulls EMERGENCY STOP but Artoo overrides it. The MAINTENANCE MAN tries Open Door but it does mot work..He sings:







MAINTENANCE MAN: God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy........







SC 18 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT- TRADING CONVENTION CRUIZER







When the elevator comes up MANAKIN AND OB-EWAN hop on as the elevator car impales the two TINKER DRONES to the shaft wall. The TWO JEDI quickly drop back through the hole in the ceiling.







MAINTENANCE MAN: Are you two responsible for this travesty? I have important work to do. This place would fall apart without me.







OB-EWAN: We have to rescue the Cameo of the Republic, Sir. We have more important work to do. Our work trumps yours. You must understand this. And I've read the script and after we rescue the Cameo, soon there won't be much of a ship left for you to clean.







SC 19 INT. MAIN HANGAR-TRADING CONVENTON CRUIZER







THE TWO SUPER DOOPER TINKER DRONES see Artoo and walk towards him. When they get close enough to him, Artoo suddenly sprays them with a a few coatings of oil, and then uses his flamethrower to light them on fire, shouting with glee. Then when their charred metal bodies fall to the floor, he spits on them and roasts a marshmallow kebob over the fire of their burning alive bodies.







ARTOO: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


SC 20 INT. GENERAL'S QUARTER'S-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







The elevator door opens and the TWO JEDI carefully make their way into the main room of the General's Quarters.



At the far end sits SUPREME CAMEO PALPITATINE. MANAKIN and OB-EWAN move toward the CAMEO.



As they get closer to PALPITATINE, they see a very distressed look on the CAMEO's face.







OB-EWAN: (bows) Cameo.







MANAKIN: Are you all right?







PALPITATINE: Oh, I'm just dandy. There's nothing more fun that being held hostage against your will, threatened with impending death and the destruction of your Empire.(PAUSE) Did I say Empire? I meant Republic, of course. Oh hey, is that Count Doodu?







PALPITATINE makes a small gesture with his hand. OB-EWAN and MANAKIN turn around. The elevator DOORS CAN BE HEARD OPENING AND CLOSING as COUNT DOODU strides into the room. He is above the Jedi, standing on a balcony, with two SUPER BATTLE DROIDS. The Jedi turn to see him. He looks down on the Jedi.







OB-EWAN: (quietly to Manakin) This time we will do it together.







MANAKIN: Oh? I was kinda hoping you'd face him alone. He owned me in Attack of The Clones.







COUNT DOODU jumps down to the main level and falls on his face.







DOODU: Ooohhh THAT'S going to leave a bruise.







PALPITATINE: Get help! You're no match for him. He's a Sith Lord.







OB-EWAN: Cameo Palpitatine, Sith Lords are our specialty. Would you like him sliced, or diced? And I can get you some fries with that.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN throw off their cloaks and ignite their brightsabres.







COUNT DOODU: Your swords, please, Master Jedi. We don't want to make a mess of things in front of the Cameo.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN move toward DOODU.







OB-EWAN: You won't get away this time, Doodu.







DOODU (chuckling quietly): You do not seriously think that a Hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron? There are none who can. Against the power of Mordor, there can be no victory. We must join with him, Gandalf. We must join with Sauron.



It would be wise, my friend.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN exchange a startled glance for a moment, then shrug slightly and charge COUNT DOODU. A great sword fight full of flashy moves and counter-moves ensues.







COUNT DOODU: I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected a way of pain! I've been looking forward to this.







MANAKIN: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.







COUNT DOODU: Wasn't that two weeks ago?







MANAKIN: This movie was made in 2005. Clone Wars started in 2008. That makes a bit of a difference.







COUNT DOODU: Good. Twice the pride, double your pleasure.







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN exchange a glance. DOODU blinks in surprise.







MANAKIN: Your Doublemint joke needs a little work.







COUNT DOODU: Uh, howabout twice the price, double the flavour....?







OB-EWAN: Uh-huh.







COUNT DOODU: Look I'm evil, right? I'll say whatever I damn well please! I could shout "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers!" as a battle-cry if I felt like it and there's nothing you could do about it.







MANAKIN: "Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers"? That doesn't sound very evil.







COUNT DOODU: Have you ever changed a messy diaper?







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN consider this for a moment. In the background PALPITATINE grimaces.







OB-EWAN: He's got a point, Manakin.







DOODU lunges at the JEDI and they fall back . . .







COUNT DOODU: (continuing) Your moves are clumsy, McNobi . . . too predictable. You'll have to do better.







OB-EWAN: DO you talk all your opponents to death?







As the battle proceeds, OB-EWAN and COUNT DOODU are growing tired. MANAKIN is stronger as he becomes angry. MANAKIN continues to drive the attack on DOODU. COUNT DOODU throws OB-EWAN back using the Force.



MANAKIN and COUNT DOODU move up the stairs. As they reach the upper landing of the General's Quarters, MANAKIN leaps over COUNT DOODU. OB-EWAN reaches the top of the stairs, destroying TWO SUPER BATTLE DROIDS. COUNT DOODU holds OB-EWAN in the air using the Force as he turns and kicks MANAKIN out of frame. OB-EWAN is choking.



MANAKIN hits the archway.



DOODU sends OB-EWAN flying. The JEDI punches through three partitions then thuds against a huge post. Then using the Force Doodu brings a balcony down on the unconscious JEDI. MANAKIN continues to fight Doodu. Their fighting is fast and frenzied.







DOODU: You have anger. You have fear. But you don't use them.







MANAKIN: OK, if you insist.







MANAKIN lunges wildly at DOODU and their fight is even more fast and frenzied than before. Then Manakin slices off his hands and grabs DOODU's red brightsabre, crossing both blades at DOODU's neck.



MANAKIN: P'WNED!







PALPITATINE: Good, good. Kill him. Kill him now!







MANAKIN: But its not the Jedi way..he's unarmed. (Safricans) teehee UNARMED!







PALPITATINE: Dew it!







end-HEAD: DEW IT!



DEW IT! DEW IT!







MANAKIN: (Grins) ok, if you insist (ends Doodu's life) (Releases CAMEO)(Goes to feel OB-EWAN'S pulse.)







PALPITATINE:











MANAKIN: (Grins) ok, if you insist (ends Doodu's life) (Releases CAMEO)(Goes to feel OB-EWAN'S pulse.)







PALPITATINE:There's no time. Leave him or we'll never make it.







MANAKIN: You're probably right, but he needs to be in the rest of the movie-George says so.







PALPITATINE: (Rolls eyes) Fine. Strap him to your backside and let's go.











SC 21 INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT, VERTICAL-TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER







MANAKIN, OB-EWAN, and PALPITATINE hang precariously on the side of the bottomless elevator shaft. OB-EWAN regains consciousness and tries to look around.







MANAKIN: Easy. . . . We're in a bit of a situation.







OB-EWAN: Oh really? I hardly noticed. So.... did I miss anything?







OB-EWAN looks down and sees PALPITATINE and the bottomless pit. They hear ARTOO BEEPING on Ob-Ewan's comlink. The ship begins to roll, causing the vertical shaft to move into a forty-five-degree angle. They hear the distant sounds of a muzak version of 'The Girl from Ipanema' floating down towards them.







MANAKIN: Hold on.







OB-EWAN: Wait. Do you hear that? What is that?







MANAKIN frowns but doesn't answer.







PALPITATINE: It's muzak. The pipe that nonsense endlessly throughout the Senate Chambers when there isn't a meeting. It's terribly annoying.







OB-EWAN and MANAKIN look up to watch the elevator approach them at high speed, then OB-EWAN turns to MANAKIN.







OB-EWAN: (continuing) Oops.







MANAKIN: Artoo, Artoo, shut down the elevator!







PALPITATINE grabs MANAKIN's comlink.







PALPITATINE: And get that infernal racket shut off.







OB-EWAN: Too late! Jump!







They fall about three hundred feet before the tilt of the ship catches up with them, and they hit the side of the shaft and slide at great speed just ahead of the elevator. The shaft continues to rotate until it is completely horizontal.







MANAKIN and OB-EWAN take out and throw grappling hooks. The hooks catch and they continue to fall. All the doors in the elevator shaft open up, and the group swings through the open door into a hallway. The elevator roars by.

Last edited by study3600 (3/14/2024 3:37 am)