Title: Rouge One: The Rogue One Humorous Version

Rating: PG-13 for language, sex-humor, drug references, and violence, major character deaths.

Characters: Jeannie Ergo, Ender Wiggins, K2-SLOW, Cheeriot Honey, Vain, Darth Vacuous, Wilhuff Tarpin, Orwell Kremlin, Emporer Sheev Palpitatine, Jigsaw Gerrera, R2-D2, See-Stinky O, Princess Lee Smits, Nose Man, Dr Afro, Bubba Fett, Cadbury Bunny, Finnicky Shantytown, Omega Fatty Acid Clone Female type, Yoga, Ahsoka Bratto, the Kitchen Sink, Moss Canada

Genre: Humor/fantasy

Synopsis: Rebels striking from a hidden base gain their first victory against the Evil Galactic Empire and obtain plans for the Deadly Star that Princess Lee accidentally switches with her mother's secret recipe for great Nachos.











A long time ago in a galaxy of cosmetic supply depots and chemical factories producing lots ands lots of make-up, lipstick, rouge and eye-shadow....



There's no opening title crawl so I'll make up a parody one....



SC 01 EXT SPACE



A vast sea of stars that look like dots of yellow lipstick serve as the backdrop of a star-filled field of lipstick stars, as a TITLE CRAWL crawls into infinity....





EPISODE III 1/2



ROUGE ONE



RIGHT BEFORE STAR WARS A NEW HOPE, although we don't exactly know why the TAINTED IV stopped at Patootie to try to get General McNobi's help since they could have just went directly to All-Drained instead of out of their way to the Outer Rim to go to Patootie, but go fig, this is fantasy, A WHOLE TWO HOUR MOVIE was CREATED to explain one PLOTHOLE. And also to EXTRAPOLATE ONE MAJOR PLOT POINT from the TITLE CRAWL OF STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE. Marvin Gaye Ergo and his wife Lyrical Ergo have holed up on a luscious green UNNAMED PLANET we shall dub PLANET GREEN to escape forced labor imposed by the Umpire on Marvin Gaye Ergo to help the Genesins of Genesis Planet and Director Kremlin construct the most powerful superweapon in the Galaxy, the DEADLY STAR, whose PRIMARY WEAPON doesn't seem to be able to destroy more than just one city at a time until A NEW HOPE. Meanwhile, ENDER WIGGINS, a REBELLIOUS SPY has been sent on a mission to a PREQUEL STYLE RING OF CIVILIZATION THAT SEEMS TO EXIST IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE....




Opens on a shot of a planet which pans up to a view of planetary rings with a small ship flying through them. Switches to a shot of the planet LIMA BEAN SOUP THE PLANET NOT THE KABLINGOAN, a planet SO GREEN it's GREENNESS IS TOO GREEN to be NATURAL and the ship flying through the rings. A shot of the planet closer up with the ship flying towards the surface. The ship flies down across a farm and passes by a white worker droid, who watches the ship.



WORKER DROID (To another droid.): Imperials. Oh, s***! There goes the planet!



Cuts to a young Jeannie Ergo running across the rocky plain with the ship following behind her.



SC 02 INT ERGO HOMESTEAD (Inside the Ergo Homestead)



YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I'm hongry Mama. Wanna watch cartoons! Now! Gimme snack!



LYRICAL ERGO: No, Jeannie! The Imperials are a comin! Gatha ya things, it'sa time, tis! They already tuk all ya brudda's an sisters and fuced em inta slaveahry! Dey ain't takin' you, ma daughta. Go hide while I contact Jigsaw Gerrarah!





SC 03 EXT LIMA BEAN SOUP THE TOO GREEN PLANET-PLAIN-DAY



The ship lands near the Ergo Homestead, where the deer and the antelope play, and skies are not cloudy all day. where there is seldom heard the cry of-





GARETH EDWARDS: Okaaay, study, we get the picture already! Next scene, please!

SC 04 INT LIMA BEAN SOUP- ERGO HOMESTEAD-SECRET REBELLIOUSNESS COMMUNICATION ROOM



Lyrical Ergo contacts Jigsaw Gerrera.



JIGSAW GERRERA: Ah, if it isn't Lyrical. Do you want to play a game, Lyrical?



LYRICAL: No time fa dat. It's usually real creepa an I don't got time fa dat! It's happened! Kremlin has come for us!



JIGSAW: Does he want to play a game?



LYRICAL: Do you want me to tell Jeannie to hide?



JIGSAW: Hide and seek? Sounds like a good game!



LYRICAL: Okaaay....see you!



JIGSAW: Thanks for playing!



Holo fades.



MARVIN GAYE ERGO: Now, Jeannie, Sweetie Pie, come here. Remembuh, whatever I be doin, I be doin it ta pruhtec ya! Say yuh unduhstand!



Marvin Gaye Ergo embraces Jeannie and the two stand still for a few moments.



YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I unduhstayuhn, Papa!



MARVIN GAYE ERGO: I love you, Angeldust.



YOUNG JEANNIE ERGO: I luvs ya too, Papa!



LYRICAL ERGO: Marvin....



MARVIN GAYE ERGO: Go.

SC 05 EXT LIMA BEAN SOUP THE PLANET- ERGO HOMESTEAD (Outside the home)



LYRICAL ERGO: Jeannie, honey-boo-boo, you know where ta go, dontcha? Trust the Force.



Lyrical takes off a pendant and hands it over to her daughter, fastening it around her neck.



In front of the Ergo homestead stands Direcktor Orwell Kremlin flanked by Deadtroopers. Marvin confronts Kremlin.



DIREKTOR ORWELL KREMLIN: You're a hard man to find, Marvin. But farming? Really, a man of your talents?



MARVIN: (Smiles wickedly) Commence primary ignition. Standby.



Suddenly TWO HUGE DEATH RAYS fire on KREMLIN and the DEADTROOPER'S position. They are seemingly blasted to smithereens but turn out only to be holographic projections of themselves.



VOICE OF KREMLIN: Just as I thought, Marvin. Bravo. Give it up. We have you surrounded and your planet blockaded.





MARVIN: I call your bluff. My Droids are all trained munitions experts. When I say the word every position you could be hiding and transmitting your voice from will blown to stardust. And I have more Death Rays trained on each one of your Imperial ships. Leave my planet.





VOICE OF KREMLIN: Now I call your bluff. I've been calling peoples' bluffs since before you were in diapers. Give it up. I have more than enough deadtroopers to flush you down the crapper.



MARVIN: (Sighs) It's a rather lonely life since Lyrical died. Programming assassin droids and killer drones and fine tuning death ray guidance systems has become a pasttime for me. Get off my planet or you and all your deadtroops are dead. And that's not a bluff.



VOICE OF KREMLIN: (As five deadtroopers march Lyrical out of their homestead. How discouraging. That seldom happens.) Funny how a "dead wife" can suddenly turn up alive even while her husband is busy lamenting her death, isn't it, Marvin? Where were your trained assassin droids and drones to stop my troops from finding her as we were busy monologueing to each other?

MARVIN GAYE ERGO: What is it you want?!



KREMLIN: The work has stalled. We need you to come back.



MARVIN: I won't do it, Kremlin!



KREMLIN: We're on the verge of greatness, we almost have peace and security for the Impire!



MARVIN: You're confused. Peace isn't terror. That's what Shrub thought. His PATRIOT Act-



KREMLIN: Palpitatatine's Patriot act was not the result of the terror of the separatists. We needed more leeway to keep tabs on those who were spies.



MARVIN: Benjamin Franklin said those who give up freedom for security deserve neither.



KREMLIN: He also said everyone who followed him would be hanged seperately.



MARVIN: God you've always been so good at misquoting brilliant philosophers!



Suddenly Lyrical takes a potshot at the now emerging Kremlin but is gunned down.



MARVIN: LYRICAL!!!!!!! DAMN YOU KREMLIN! I'll do it. But don't expect me to not put a little Easter Egg for the Rebellion in there as well, Damn you!



KREMLIN: Plato was right when he said that politics was the greatest good.



MARVIN: That was Socrates. Plato wrote down his Master's words. And he would call the Empire tyranny.



KREMLIN: There are philosophies in heaven and earth, Horatio, that are not dreampt of in your imagination. Such is the good philosophy of a well run empire like a fine-tuned fully wound Swiss watch.



MARVIN: Damn you, Kremlin. You even butcher Shakespeare.





SC 05 SECRET HATCH-DAY



Jeannie Ergo hides in a secret hatch. It opens. Jeannie fires a blaster at Jigsaw Gerrara who pounds on his wounded shoulder as he comes closer. His creepy mask with the hypnosis spirals on the cheeks creep Jeannie out.





JIGSAW GERRERA: Want to play a game, little girl.



Jeannie screams in terror, traumatized.





JIGSAW GERRERA: Come, child. We have a long ride ahead of us. We'll play lots of games along the way.