SCENE 21 EXT-PATOOTIE- DAY

A burning vehicle is out the middle of nowhere with dead Javas (coffee drinking desert dwellers) strewn about.

MARCUS: Looks like the Sandpoopies did this. There's a tire tool, a log chain and a 12 gage shotgun.

BEEN-THERE: No this was the work of Imperious Stomptroopers, Sandpoopies would have left empty beer cans everywhere and cut donuts in the sand with their pickups.

R2 starts a fire with a miniature flame thrower. See-Stinky-O drops a Java into the fire. The Java promptly jumps up and runs off across the desert, with his robes aflame.

JAVA: UTINIEEEEEEEE

MARCUS: Hey these are the Javas that I got the droids from. Find another live one, I want a refund!

EXT. SPACE

Imperious BOWTIES race toward the DEADLY STAR.

SC 22 INT. DEADLY STAR-DETENTION CELL

Princess Lee is playing with her Barbie dolls, when suddenly, Darth Vacuous enters, followed by a black machine. Considering Darth Vacuous IS a black machine, maybe there was a better way of saying that.

VAC: And now, your Highness, we shall dialogue about the whereabouts of your secret hidden Rebel hideout.

LEE: You will never make me talk!

A stomptrooper grabs one of her feet and straps it to a little table extended from the robot.

VAC: Oh yes, you will. We have ways of making you chat.

A feather extends to Lee's foot, and starts tickling it.

LEE: You should - he he - know that - ha - hehe - I would - hoohoohoo - never - ha-ha-ha - consciously - tee-hee-hee - wooh-hah-hah - betray the - wah-hoo - oh stop - ha - re - re - re - re - hoo-hoo - bell - hahahahoooo - ion - ooh - please stop - ha ha - he....

Vacuous makes a gesture with him fingers, stepping foward. Lee starts gasping.

VAC: I find your lack of-

TROOP#2: Oh, please, not again.

With that, Vac starts choking troop#2

TROOP#3: Enough of this! Vac, release him!

Vac starts choking troop#3

Now, with Vac trying to choke three people at once, Han Solo enters, blaster drawn.

HAN: Now you can't block my blaster bolts or pull my gun away!

Han is suddenly staring into the nozzle of Greedo's blaster.

GREEDO: Oota Goota, Solo?

HAN: What the hell did you just say?

study3600: Hold on, people, one scene at a time, one movie at a time! You'll all get your chances!

GL: I'm with study.

Anyway, next scene.


SC 23 EXT WAISTLANDS OF PATOOTIE-DAY

Marcus and Been-There throw bodies of Javas onto bonfire. every so often, one of the Java gets up and runs off screaming.

MARCUS: I want to come with you to All-Drained. I want to get drunk and hit on Pricess Lee.

Whack

BEEN-THERE: What did I tell you about leaving your twin sister alone?

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VOICE OF YOGURT: Not yet, I told you!

BEEN-THERE: (mumbling) Fr*****' Muppet...

SC 24 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY

Long shot of speeder with BEEN-THERE, MARCUS and droids. Speeder glides past camera from left to right, a few moments later, the speeder glides past, right to left. Everyone in speeder is gesticulating wildly.


SC 25 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY

MARCUS and BEEN-THERE stand on bluff overlooking city.

BEEN-THERE: MOST EASY Spaceport... You'll never find a higher concentration of cross-dressers and drag queens in the galaxy. We must be cautious.

MARCUS: Why?

Whack

SC 26 EXT-PATOOTIE -A STREET IN MOST EASY

MARCUS' speeder is stopped by a STOMPTROOPER.

STOMPTROOPER: Let me see your identification.

BEEN-THERE: (makes small gesture with hand) You don't need to see his identification.

STOMPTROOPER: I...don't need to look at your ID card.

BEEN-THERE: (irritated) These aren't the droids you're looking for.

STOMPTROOPER: uh, we know these aren't the droids.

BEEN-THERE: (getting really angry) He can go about his business.

STOMPTROOPER: Um, uh...

BEEN-THERE pulls script out from under the speeders dashboard and throws it at STOMPTROOPER.

BEEN-THERE: This has got to be the simplest acting job you will EVER have!! All you have to do is repeat after me!

GL: OK, OK, take it easy.

STOMPTROOPER: (reading script) You can go about your business, MOVE ALONG!

Speeder pulls away, BEEN-THERE muttering.

SC 27-EXT-PATOOTIE-MOST EASY SPACEPORT-DAY

MARCUS AND BEEN-THERE CLIMB OUT OF SPEEDER IN FRONT OF OLD CANTINA

MARCUS: Do you really think we will find a pilot to take us to All-Drained?

BEEN-THERE: Most of the best freighter pilots come here.

MARCUS: How do you know?

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BEEN-THERE: Do I need to throw the script at you too? (calms down) Only, watch your step, this place can be a little ... rough.

SC 28 INT PATOOTIE-MOST EASY- PUB-DAY

MARCUS, BEEN-THERE, and the droids walk into cantina. As the crowd in cantina sees them, they start howling and blowing wolf whistles. As camera pans crowd, there are many different humans and aliens, some in outlandish dresses. A drag queen is on a small stage crooning a song. He/she winks at MARCUS and BEEN-THERE as they walk in.

WOOOH-HOOOO: Hey. Your Droids. You'll have to leave them outside.

MARCUS approaches bar

MARCUS: Uh.... Warm milk please

WOOOH-HOOOO: You want what?

Marcus realises this is a cantina and decides to order something a little more.... dangerous

MARCUS: Uh... one of those fruit cocktails with an umbrella in it?

Woooh-Hoooo turns around, muttering to himself. Meanwhile, Marcus has attracted the attention of some rather unsavoury characters

NOSE-MAN: Hey, watch it.

the whole bar goes silent

NOSE-MAN: He doesn't like you

ENTIRE BAR [chorus]: HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU

NOSE-MAN: I don't like you either

ENTIRE BAR : [chorus]WE DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER

NOSE MAN: I suggest you watch yourself! We're wanted men. Well, at least a man and some kind of alien, but we're wanted!
I have the death sentence in 12 systems.

MARCUS: Yawn. I'm tired. I have a booger collection. Want one?

NOSE MAN: Arrrgh!

Pushes MARCUS into a stack of crates.

BEEN: Sorry, but I can't let you do this.

Takes out brightsabre. Slices both criminals in half.

BEEN: (sighs.)

BEEN-THERE pulls MARCUS to his feet and points to Cookie Monster

BEEN-THERE: Chunkalunk here is first mate on a ship that may suit us.

MARCUS follows BEEN-THERE and the Cookie to a booth where HANDS OFF waits.

HANDS: Hands Off. I'm captain of the Millennium Bug. Chunky here says that you are looking for passage to All-Drained.

BEEN-THERE: Indeed, if it's a reliable ship.

HANDS: Reliable? You've never heard of the Millennium Bug? 

BEEN-THERE: Yes, but perhaps under a different context...

HANDS: You may have also heard it referred to as the Millennium Fountain.  Ring a bell?

BEEN-THERE: Sorry. Perhaps its not as famous a ship as you're making it out to be, Sir.

HANDS: Well, she's reliable enough for you old man. What's the cargo?

BEEN-THERE: Only passengers. Myself, the boy, two droids, and no questions asked.

HANDS: Some kind of local trouble?

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BEEN-THERE: I said no questions asked.

OB-EWAN:  Lets just say we'd like to avoid playing twister with the Imperiouses....

HANDS: Now thats a real trick, and its gonna cost you a little extra....10 thousand, all in advance!!!

OB-EWAN (pleasantly surprised): Great, I have 20 thousand republic dactaries!

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SPIRIT OF LI-GON: thats not going to work young paaddleone....(shakes head sadly)

OB-EWAN: (exasperated) when are you going to quit calling me paddleone!!! Yoga knighted me 32 years ago after I did a better job polishing off that Sith Lord than you did!!!

MARCUS (impatienly): If we can get back to the business at hand...

Whack
Whack

MARCUS cowers from the double whack from LI-GON and OB-EWAN...

SPIRIT OF LI-GON: (to MARCUS) Silence!!! I will not tolerate your insolence!!! If it weren't for YOUR near-uncle no one would be in this mess right now!!!

MARCUS: Huh?!

Whack(fed-exed from Dayglobah)

YOGA'S VOICE: Down, Li-Gon...the time for this it is not....

SPIRIT OF LI-GON: Very well, Master, back to the boredom of the after life I go....(fades)

OB-EWAN: We can pay you 2000 now, plus 15 when we reach All-Drained.

HANDS: Seventeen thousand, huh?

OB-EWAN: No, I meant 2015 total....

CHUNKY: (growls in warning)

OB-EWAN: ok, ok seventeen thousand it is...

MARCUS: seventeen thousand! we could almost buy our own ship for that!

Whack

HANDS: but who's gonna fly it kid? you?

MARCUS: you bet i could! i'm not such a bad pilot myself, you know....

CHUNKY: (laughs in cookiespeak)

MARCUS: whats so funny hairball???

HANDS: Chunky says he's seen you fly and that paper airplanes and model rockets don't count.

MARCUS, turning red in the face with anger and embarassment, forms a circle with his thumb and middle finger, narrowing his eyes in concentration.

HANDS: (choking) ok, ok...dont be so sensitive...

OB-EWAN: Vader-er- Marcus! release him!

MARCUS complies, but sulks.

Whack

OB-EWAN: stop your G****** whining! I think we can afford this pilot's terms. (to HANDS) we just need to go get the 2 thousand together. How soon can we be going.

HANDS: soon as your ready, docking bay 94.

OB-EWAN: 94.

HANDS: (notices stomptroopers infiltrating cantina) Looks like someones taking an interest in your handiwork old man.

STORMTROOPES IS SEEN WALKING TOWARDS THE DIRECTION OF OUR HEROES. THE TROOPERS WALK PAST HANDS AND CHUNKY WHILE OUR HEROIC VERMIN SMUGGLERS GIVE THEM A LOOK LIKE " YOU CAN MOVE YOUR A** ALONG,TOO"

HANDS: Seventeen thousand, those poor *******s must really be desperate.. this could really save my neck... get back to the ship and get her ready.

CHUNKY WALKS OUT THE CANTINA AND AS HANDS STARTS TO LEAVE , HIS ARCH NEMESIS, GREEDY YO, STEPS TO THE PLATE

GREEDY YO( Translated from huttese): Yo, mu******a, whats up? you didnt think you leaving my lonely a** without kissin me good bye, now was you?

HANDS: Naw, Greedy yo, I just going to see your boss...Tell pizza that i got his money.

GREEDY YO: What did you say..?

HANDS: I was just going to see your boss... 

Whack

GREEDY YO( As he points the blaster in hands face): Let me tell you something, human flesh excrement, I dont have a boss. I have a freelance employer, you got me, you pizza loving bootlicker...

HANDS( Wiping off the blood from his mouth where he had gotton pimp slapped): Yeah Greedy yo, whatever man, you got this one.

GREEDY YO: I thought so b**a**h. Anyway if you give me the money I might forget that I even saw you..

HANDS: C'mon, son, dont get at me like that dog, i dont have it with me, tell Pizza... 

UNBEKNOWIST TO GREEDY YO, THAT HANDS IS REACHING FOR HIS BLASTER ON THE LOW, AND HAS TAKEN THE SAFETY OFF

GREEDY YO: **** all that, Pizza dont be having no time for people and their bull**** excuses. Punk a** wanna be smugglers who drops their shipment at the first sign of trouble..

HANDS( While cooly pulling the blaster from his holster): Even I get borded sometimes. You think i have a choice..

GREEDY YO: Tell that lame excuse to Pizza, He may only take you ship..

HANDS: Over my dead body

GREEDY YO: Thats the idea. ****,You would be better off trying to spread some love,not war/ cause war is some thing Pizza has been waiting for..
I tell you this, I ve been waiting for this moment for a long time

HANDS( With his blaster under the table pointing dead at Greedy yo): Yes, I bet you have.

GREEDY YO: Any last words besides requesting me to tell your momma to get out her black dress and make all the necessary arraignments ?

HANDS: Yeah, Only that when you get to hell, tell the devil that Hands sent you...

KAAAAABLOOOOM

GREEDY YO DROP DEAD FACE FIRST ON THE THE TABLE WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIS BACK

HANDS SLOWLY GETS UP THE OTHER CUSTOMERS IN THE CANTINA NOT REALL GIVING A CRAP, BUT ONLY CURIOUS ABOUT HOW THE POOR ******* CAUGHT IT.
HE WALKS PAST THE BARTENDER AND THROWS SOME MONEY IN HIS DIRECTION

HANDS: Sorry about the mess..

BARTENDER: Who was that ?

HANDS: An employee I had to let go.

SC 29 EXT. SPACE

Several BOWTIES approach the DEADLY STAR (again.)

SC 30 INT. DEADLY STAR -- CONTROL ROOM

VAC: Her resistance to the mind probe was considerable.

Whack

VAC: Hey!

TARPIN: We already knew that.

OILY: Ha-Ha!

Whack

An Imperious officer interrupts the meeting.

OFFICER: The final check-out is complete. All systems are operational. What course shall we set?

TARPIN: Perhaps she would respond to an alternative form of persuasion.

VAC: Taking her Barbies away?

TARPIN: No, I've got a better idea. I think it is time we demonstrate the full power of this station. Set your course for All-Drained.

TROOPER: With pleasure!

VAC: What are we going to do when we get there?

TARPIN: Well, if she doesn't tell us where her base is, we'll blow it up.

VAC: Wait a minute! I thought that superlaser would be used for mining and urban renewal!

Whack

TARPIN: You're really beginning to try my patience. Go clean out the kitchen and you can go home.

VAC: YIPPPEEE!

VACUOUS turns and runs down the hall, excited.

TARPIN: He just wasn't ever cut out to be a Sith Lord. (Sighs.)

SC 31 EXT. PATOTIE - MOST EASY - STREET

See Stinky-O and Artoo Detour are standing in a doorway.

STINKY-O: Lock the door, Artoo.

Several Imperious Stomptroopers move down the street.

STOMP 1: Check the door.

STOMP 2: It's locked.

STOMP 1: So? Break it down.

STINKY-O: (o.s.) You can't do that! You need a search warrant to break into a private residence.

STOMP 1: What are you, kidding? We're with the Umpire. We can do whatever we want.

STINKY: (o.s.) Actually, I am well conversed in over six million useless factoids, and I happen to know that Imperious Stomptroopers cannot enter a locked residence, commandeer a vehicle, redecorate their quarters, or eat meat on Tuesdays without the express written consent of the local governor.

STOMP 2: Ah, the restrictions on entering do not apply if we have reasonable cause. And I think the droids are in there.

STINKY-O: (o.s.) Well, they aren't.

STOMP 2: (disappointed) They aren't?

STINKY: (o.s.) Nope. Sorry.

ARTOO: (o.s.) Beep whistle chirp.

STOMP 1: What was that?

Whack

STINKY: (o.s.) Quiet, you malfuntioning astro-pop droid! (to the stomptroopers) Uh.. nothing. It was the cat.

One of the stomptroopers reaches into his pocket and pulls out a thick book. He starts looking through the pages.

STOMP 2: He's right, sir. It's right here in the So You Want To Be A Stomptrooper: The Handbook.

The stomptroopers mull over the book.

STOMP 1: Damn. All right, let's go.

They leave. The door opens, and Stinky looks out the doorway.

STINKY: I would much rather have gone with Master Marcus than stayed here with you. Speaking of which, why the hey are we by ourselves? Shouldn't we be with him?

Artoo beeps something.

STINKY: No, they already left the bar, remember? We saw them on the way out. There's no reason we should be by ourselves.

Artoo beeps something.

STINKY: Oh, switch off.

SC 32 EXT. PATOOTIE - MOST EASY - ALLEYWAY - USED SPEEDER LOT

Been-There and Marcus stand haggling in a used speeder lot with a tall, insect-like creature.

MARCUS: All right, fine, give it to me.

He takes several coins from the vendor.

MARCUS: (cont) Look at this. Ever since the XP-38 came out, they just aren't in demand.

BEEN: Stop whining. I tried to tell you it would be easier not to sell your speeder, but no, you had to do it this way.

MARCUS: Look, I don't care how much money we would have gotten, I'm not going to prostitude myself in some swooper bar!

BEEN: Oh, stop being such a baby. Haven't you ever heard of sacrificing yourself for the greater good?

MARCUS: (grumbling) We got enough money this way, didn't we? Besides, you know GL wouldn't have let us do that. He's wants it to be a kiddy flick.

Been and Marcus walk down a dusty alleyway towards the spaceport. A Sith probe droid- I mean, a darkly-clad alien follows them through the streets of Most Easy.


SC 33 INT. DOCKING BAY 94 - DAY

Pizza the Hutt and several alien bounty hunters lurk outside the Millennium Fountain, Hands' ship.

PIZZA: (subtitled) Hands! Come out of there, Hands!

HANDS: (squinting) Pizza? That you?

The goons whirl around to see Hands standing behind them. When he realizes they're all looking at him, he quickly stops squinting and grins confidently.

HANDS: I been waiting for you. Say, if I wait longer than 30 minutes, don't I get my debt paid off for free?

PIZZA: Hands, my boy, you disappoint me. You know that's Domino's policy, not mine. And why did you have to fry poor Greedy?

HANDS: I'd give you three guesses, but then you'd make a fool out of yourself in front of your goons. He pulled a gun on me. What was I supposed to do, sue him for creating a hostile workplace?

PIZZA: Hands, my boy, I can't make exceptions. What would I do if every smuggler who ran goods for me dropped their shipment at the first sign of Imperials?

HANDS: You think I had a choice?

PIZZA: Hands, you hadn't even left the planet. You were flying over a city and you threw all your cargo out.

HANDS: I saw a stomptrooper.

PIZZA: Where?

HANDS: Walking down a street.

PIZZA: So you decided to throw your cargo out?

HANDS: Even I lose cargo sometimes.

PIZZA: Sometimes? Hands, you've never delivered a single shipment!

HANDS: It's not my fault! Look, I got a nice easy charter. I'll pay you back, plus a little extra.

PIZZA: All right, Hands. But just this once.

HANDS: (grinning) Pizza, you're a wonderful human being.

All the aliens look quizically at Hands.

PIZZA: What are you talking about?

HANDS: Well, you know, this. It's so nice of you.

PIZZA: No, I mean why did you call me a human being? Are you blind, I'm a Hutt!

Hands squints and looks closely at Pizza. He quickly straightens up.

HANDS: Yeah, I know. I was just joking around. Right, Chunky?

He laughs nervously. Chunky growls something. All the aliens start laughing. Hands' face turns red.

HANDS: I told you never to tell anybody that!

PIZZA: (laughing) You need glasses?!

The remark starts a fresh wave of laughter among the bounty hunters.

HANDS: I can see just fine! (mumbling) Things just get a little blurry, that's all.

PIZZA: (still laughing) Let me see 'em! Come on, let me see 'em!

After much persuading, Hands finally pulls out his glasses and puts them on. They have thick black frames and incredibly thick lenses, making Hands' eyes look big when he puts them on. Several of the bounty hunters collapse on the floor with laughter.

HANDS: Shut up! Come on, Chunky, let's get on the ship.

Pizza stops laughing long enough to shout out:

PIZZA: See you later, four-eyes!

Chunky starts laughing, too. Hands shoots him a betrayed look.

HANDS: Traitor.

SC 34 EXT. DOCKING PORT ENTRY - ALLEYWAY

Marcus, Been, and the droids walk down the alley towards the entrance, where Chunkalunk waits for them.

BEEN: If the ship's as fast as he's boasting, we ought to do well.

Whack

BEEN: Hey!

MARCUS: (snickering) Been waiting to do that.

Behind the group, the Sith probe droid- I mean, the darkly-clad figure steps aside and begins speaking into a comlink.

SC 35 INT. MOST EASY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94

Chunkalunk leads the group down a set of stairs, where the Millennium Fountain sits. Rust covers every surface, and several components are held together by bungee cords.

MARCUS: What a piece of junk!

HANDS: She'll make point five past lightspeed.

Been-There stares at Hands.

HANDS: Well, point four.

Been-There keeps staring.

HANDS: Look, speed's not important, all right? She's got it where it counts.

MARCUS: And where is that?

HANDS: Look, we're a little pressed for time, so why don't you all get aboard?

Marcus, Been, the droids, and Chunkalunk enter the Fountain. Hands waits until they've all gotten onto the ship. Glancing around to make sure no one's watching him, he puts on his glasses and looks at the Fountain.

HANDS: Augh! Man, it is a piece of junk!

Shaking his head, Hands takes off his glasses and heads for the ship. As he's halfway up the ramp, it suddenly slams shut, throwing Hands inside.

SC 36 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - ENTRY RAMP

Marcus and Been stare curiously at Hands, lying on the floor where the ramp threw him.

BEEN: Having problems with your ramp?

Hands stands up, trying to act casual.

HANDS: No. No problems. Why?

SC 37 INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

Chunky hits his head on the dice and settles into the pilot's chair, starting up the mighty engines of the starship. A hideous wheezing sound comes from the aft end of the ship and a loud metallic clank is heard. Chunky moans in frustration.

SC 38 EXT. DOCKING BAY 42

The Fountain's main ramp lowers six inches, stops, rattles, and abruptly falls the rest of the way to the ground. Hands rushes down the ramp and over to the engines of the ship, hurriedly picking one up off the ground and reattaching it with some bungie cords taken from a pocket on his vest. Marcus, Been, and the droids stare.

HANDS: It's . . . uh . . . a minor design flaw. No real threat at all.

At about this point a squad of stomptroopers followed by the Sith probe dr
Whack
followed by the mysterious alien run in and start blasting everything in sight -- except, curiously enough, the Fountain.

HANDS: ****! Get aboard! Get aboard!

Been, Marcus, and the droids hustle up the ramp. One of the struts bends slightly. Hands pulls out his blaster and returns fire, backing up the ramp. Unfortunately, his aim is as bad as the stomptroopers', and he eventually gives up and runs up the ramp, which slams shut again before he can make it all the way up.

The engines roar and the Fountain lifts gracefully off its support struts. Suddenly, the engines cough, and then stall completely. The Fountain slams back down onto the ground.

SC 39 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Chunky glares at Hands.

HANDS: Sorry, too much clutch.

SC 40 EXT. MOST EASY SPACEPORT - DOCKING BAY 94

The engines roar back to life, and the Fountain lifts off again. With a loud backfire that sends out a cloud of black exhaust, the Fountain begins climbing toward space.

SC 41 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE

The starship climbs away from the planet.

SC 42 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Chunky points something out on the radar scope.

HANDS: An Imperious Cruiser? Man, I knew I should have stayed in bed this morning. Activate the shields.

Chunky flips the switch for the deflector shields. A huge explosion rocks the Fountain.

HANDS: You did finish wiring those shields, didn't you?

Chunky whines. Hands reaches under his seat and pulls out a rolled-up newspaper, which he hits Chunky with.

HANDS: Bad Cookiee! No treat! Bad Cookiee!

Chunky looks at Hands with big puppy-dog eyes.
 
HANDS: Aww. I can't stay mad at you.

A volley of laser fire from the Imperious ship batters the unshielded Fountain.

HANDS: Yes, I can! (he hits Chunky again) Bad Cookiee!

SC 43 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE

The Millennium Fountain races away from the desert planet, followed by two huge Imperious ships.

SC 44 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Marcus and Been enter the cramped cockpit, where Hands and Chunky are busy working with the nav computer.

HANDS: There's two more of them coming in, they're going to try to cut us off.

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HANDS: Hey!

BEEN: There's no need to state the obvious.

MARCUS: Why don't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast.

HANDS: You bought that? Boy, you'll believe anything you hear, won't you?

SC 45 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE

The Imperious ships open fire on the Millenium Fountain.

SC 46 INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

HANDS: This is where the fun begins.

BEEN: (sarcastically) You know, there's this thing called a hyperdrive, it makes the ship go really fast. Maybe you've heard of it?

HANDS: Back off, okay? It'll take the computer a few more minutes to get the coordinates.

MARCUS: What the hell kind of computer are you using, a Commodore 64?

HANDS: Traveling through hyperspace ain't like... uh... look, it's really tough, okay? We can't jump until that readout says, 'Course laid in'.

He points at a computer monitor. Been and Marcus look at it.

MARCUS: It does say 'Course laid in'.

HANDS: It does?

He squints and looks closer at the monitor.

HANDS: (cont'd) Hey, it does! All right, we're making the jump!

He pulls a lever. Nothing happens. He squints, looks at the controls, and pulls a different lever. The stars elongate into streaks.

SC 47 EXT. SPACE - PATOOTIE

The Millenium Fountian zooms to infinity in less than a second, except for several pieces of the hull that break off.

SC 48 EXT. DEADLY STAR

All-drained looms behind the Deadly Star battle station.

SC 49 INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM - CORRIDOR

Governor Tarpin stands before the huge wall screen displaying all-access Playboy, drooling and slobbering worse than a Hutt in a seizure. Vacuous and two stormtroopers march Princess Lee toward the control room. Governor Tarpin jumps in surprise and quickly changes the channel back to the viewscreen.

MOTTLE: We've entered the All-drained system.

TARPIN: Umm, Right! So we have! Yes! *blushes*

Vacuous and two stormtroopers enter with Princess Lee. Her hands are bound and her hair is falling out of the large curlers in her hair, spilling over her bright-pink robe and matting in her green facial mask.

LEE: This better be damn good! I haven't had my coffee yet! (looks over at Tarpin) Oh, it's you. I should have expected to find you holding Vacuuous by the short hairs. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.

TARPIN: Er, actually that would be Vacuuous you would be smelling. Boy hasn't had a shower since he was placed in that metal suit. We tried turning the hose on him, but poor boy nearly short circuited! *ahem* Anywas, you don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life.

LEE: (under her breath) Yes, I can see how hard it was for you to stop pleasuring yourself to pick up the pen.

Whack

TARPIN: I heard that!

LEE: Anyways, I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself!

TARPIN: Princess Lee, before your execution, I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony that will make this battle station fully operational-

LEE: Cool!! I get to smash a bottle of champagne into the side?

TARPIN: Err, no-

LEE: I get to cut the ribbon??

VACUOUS: *whining* Heyyy! You said I could cut the ribbon!

Whack
Whack

TARPIN: Quiet, both of you! Gods, a man can't even think for himself on this damned battlestation! Ahem, Princess Lee, in a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that'll be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power . . . on your home planet of All-drained.

LEE: Hmph. Okay.

TARPIN: . . . what??

LEE: Blow the damned planet up, I don't care!

All officers share a confused look. Vacuous just shrugs his shoulders.

TARPIN: Umm, I don't believe that was the response I was looking for.

LEE: (sighs testily) Is this what you were looking for? (keeping a defiant look in her eyes, she gives a fake pout) Oh Boo-Hoo! No, Mr. Scary-Man, don't blow up All-drained! All-drained is peaceful. We have no weapons!

Suddenly, explosions rock the station as hundreds of ground-based batteries open fire on the Deadly Star.

LEE: Except for those. Sorry, I forgot to mention those.

The viewscreen shows forty X-wings launching from the planet, heading for the Deadly Star.

LEE: And those. Well, look, we're still peaceful, all right? (gets theatrical) You can't possibly! (throws her hand over her forehead and leans back against Vacuous)

TARPIN: Aha! At last I have you at my mercy!

LEE: (expression turning sour again) You wish! Okay, look, the coordinates are 34,21, 36. If you fire at a negative angle, you should be able to blow the whole damned thing up in one shot.

TARKIN and VACUOUS look at each other speculatively.


LEE: (hands on her hips) What?? You want the name of the rebel base too?? Dantooine. (repeats it letter by letter) D a n t o o i n e. Not to be confused wit 'Tatooine', although I wouldn't give a care if you blew them both up!

TARPIN: Ummm, yes, well . . . erm . . . you heard the woman! Blow it up!

DEADLY STAR GUNNER: Yes, sir! (a goggle-looking devise drops down as he peers through it, reaching for a joystick as he pressed the button.)

On the screen, a huge beam of light emits from with a cone-shaped area and converges into a single laser beam which completely misses All-Drained.

TARPIN: What the hell?!? You missed the damned planet?!? How could you miss such a large target like that?!?

MOTT's-APPLESAUCE LAUGHS

MOTT'S: What are you, an A******?

GUNNER: Yes. Major A******, sir!

His eyes are stuck crossed.

LEE: You idiots!

LEE grabs the controls to the Deadly Star gun, Aims, and blows the planet up herself.

LEE: Moron!

TARPIN: Put this b**** back in her cell! NOW!

Two Stomptroopers take her away.

SC 51 INT. DEADLY STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM

Imperial Officer Bass enters to stand before Governor Tarkiss and Darth Vacuous.

TARPIN: Yes?

BASS: Our scout ships have reached Dantooine. They found the remnants of a Rebel base, and a note reading, "Nice try, you Imperious goons. Looks like you fell for the oldest trick in the book. There's not actually a base here. Find us if you can. -General Dagnabit, Leader of the secret base on Yahoo! 4."

TARPIN: She lied! She lied to us!

VACUOUS: Well, there was a base there at one point. So what she told us was true- from a certain point of view.

TARPIN: A certain point of view? Damnit, man, she looked right into my face and lied! How will I ever be able to trust her after this?

VACUOUS: Trust her? I thought you were going to kill her.

TARPIN: Excellent idea! I want you to sign the order to terminate her life.

VACUOUS: You... already did that. Remember?

TARPIN: Excellent. Then it's settled.

SC 52 INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

The pirate ship is preparing to drop out of hyperspace.

HANDS: All right, Chunky, here we go. Cut in the sublight engines.

Hands pulls a lever, and the starlines outside the window shrink back into points. Immediately, the Fountain begins rocking back and forth. Asteroids zoom past the ship.

HANDS: What the... Chunky, what's going on?

Chunky growls a confused response. Reluctantly, Hands puts on his glasses and looks out the window.

HANDS: Looks like a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision.

Whack

HANDS: What?


CHUNKY: (subtitled) Haven't you learned yet not to state the obvious?

Marcus and Been enter the bouncing cockpit. Hands quickly snatches off his glasses.

MARCUS: What's going on?

HANDS: Our position is correct, except... no All-drained!

MARCUS: Man, you do have bad eyes! Would you put on your glasses?

HANDS: I DON'T NEED GLASSES!!

BEEN: No, Marcus, he's right. Look, All-drained is gone.

MARCUS: What? No, we must be in the wrong place.

Suddenly, a frozen corpse slams against the cockpit window. He is wearing a uniform that says on the back, 'All-drained Security Force: We have no weapons.'

MARCUS: Okay, maybe we are in the right place. Wait a minute, he's carrying a blaster!

BEEN: Yeah, for some reason, All-drained always insisted that it didn't have any weapons. To tell you the truth, they were all a bunch of gun-toting freaks.

A muffled alarm sounds in the cockpit.

HANDS: There's another ship coming in.

BEEN: It's an Imperious fighter.

An Imperious fighter shoots overhead.

MARCUS: Wow, that's a neat trick. How'd you do that?

BEEN: Little talent I have.

MARCUS: He must have followed us.

BEEN: No, it's a short-range fighter.

The sensors beep as they finish analyzing the ship. It is a short-range Imperious BOWTIE fighter.

MARCUS: Hey, two for two!

BEEN: Yeah, it's the weirdest thing. Whenever someone says something wrong, I automatically correct them by saying the right thing.

MARCUS: Cool. Hands can see perfectly fine.

BEEN: No, he needs his glasses to read anything past the distance of three inches.

HANDS: HEY!

MARCUS: Last Christmas, I got my aunt a hydrospanner set.

BEEN: No, your uncle did, and your aunt threw him out for a week.

MARCUS: That's really neat! Let me think of another one. Oh, I got it! I don't have a chance with that chick in the holo.

Been-There doesn't say anything.

MARCUS: Uh, aren't you going to correct me?

BEEN: Sorry. I'm not getting anything.

MARCUS: Damn.

SC 61 INT. DEADLY STAR - FORWARD BAY - COMMAND OFFICE

Marcus and Hands, dressed as stomptroopers, enter along with Been, Chunky, and the droids. Hands closes the door, then rips off his helmet and glares at Been.

HANDS: 'I'll use the Force,' he says. Great idea, old man! You nearly got us caught!

BEEN: Hey, even Jedi have bad days.

HANDS: We board an Imperious battle station, and everyone gets delusions of grandeur.

MARCUS: Y'know, between his howling and your blasting its any wonder that no one in the station doesnt know were here

HANDS: Shut the **** up wussy boy, your old man here was actin like Ob-Ewan from the TPM humorous version a little while go getting us in this joint, so dont catch no attitude with me. Besides i prefer a fair fight to all this sneaking around

MARCUS: Then whats the point of you trying to avoid Pizza the Hutt back on Patootie, if you " prefer a fair fight ?"

EVERYONE LOOKS AT HANDS FOR A GOOD MINUTE

HANDS( looking away from everyone ): I'll...uh... get back to you on that one, but we need to get out of here

ARTOO DETOO IS SCANNNING THE COMPUTER TO FIND THE TRACTOR BEAM SWITCH AS HE DISCOVERS IT. IT IS APPARENT THAT BEEN MUST BE THE ONE TO GO ON THIS ALL BUT IMPORTANT SUICIDE MISSION.

BEEN: I dont think you sorry excuse for heroes can help me on this. I must go alone.
stay here

HANDS: No problem with me old man

MARCUS: But I can come and help you ....

BEEN: Marcus , pleeeeese stop your whining. getting on my nerves with that ****,for real. Stay and see these droids safely to all drained, if we should fail,then other star systems that fall pray to the imperious forces will pray for you demise on every level. And if they know that i was involved in your foul ups, then i wont hear the end of it in the after life. ask my late master, believe me, he'll tell you.

BEEN TOUCHES THE DOOR THAT OPENS QUICKLY WHICH SHOWS THE LARGE AND SURPRISINGLY EMPTY CORRIDORS WITH NO GUARDS PATROLLING IN SIGHT.

BEEN: Your destiny lies on a different path young mind.

MARCUS: Really, what is it ?

BEEN: Whats is what ?

MARCUS: Destiny.

BEEN: Whose destiny ?

MARCUS: Mines.

BEEN: What about it ?

MARCUS (clearly fustrated at this point ): What path does my destiny lie on ?

BEEN AND MARCUS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD MINUTE WITHOUT BLINKING.....

BEEN: How the **** should I know, I'm only speaking rhetorically..

MARCUS: Thats all you ve been doing ever since I've known you. you never give straight answer to questions, you allways have a bad feeling about something, How did you become a Jedi Knight anyway ? You speak in stupid a** riddles that makes absolutely no type of sense.....

BEEN: Marcus...all I said was that I didn't know what path your destiny lies. That was said to make you reflect on a something that you must do that is bigger than following me, To follow a path that, even though uncertain, will bring you great rewards if you are brave and fearless in your struggle against evil.

ARTOO DETOO : BEEP, WHISTLE, BEEP, BEEP, SQUARKK, TOOT, TOOT ( Damn, that **** was deeeeeep )

BEEN: Do you understand what it is I'm saying, Marcus ?

MARCUS : WHAT?

BEEN: Exactly... The force with be with you... always.

BEEN WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AND THE DOOR CLOSES EVEN FASTER, CHUNKY GIVES A GROWL IN RESPONSE TO THAT LONG BORING SPEECH..

HANDS: Yeah, you said it Chunky. Where did

SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS UP...

BEEN: And remember Marcus, when all else fails... There's allways a bigger fish .

AFTER WHICH THE DOORS SLAMS BACK SHUT

HANDS: Where did you dig up that old fossil?!

MARCUS: Been is a great man..he may not have a complete grasp of the concept of Jedi's with common sense, but at least he's brave and fearless. He's probably right now, even as we speak, putting together a plan to foil the plans of the bad guys......

SC 62 INT DEADLY STAR-HANGAR BAY 384

IN ANOTHER SEPERATE SCENE, WE SEE THE " BRAVE AND FEARLESS " BEEN DOING WHAT " BRAVE AND FEARLESS " MEN DO BEST...


BEEN: ( INSIDE THE COCKPIT OF A TIE FIGHTER ) Owwww !!!!! G**d***i*, How can you hot wire this thing, I got to get the **** up on out of here. Whining brats, smelly Cookies and retarded nearsighted smugglers is not going to be the death of me. Nosireebob, old been is taking the high road of this Godforsakin rock...

SUDDENLY, A SPIRIT APPEARS IN BACK OF BEEN

LI-GON'GHOST: So you taking the chicken **** way out huh ?

BEEN: I havent the foggiest idea what your talking about

LI-GON'S GHOST: Hmmmmmmm, trying to hot wire an enemies' space craft is not taking the easy way out ?

BEEN: Lets just say that i'm finally realizing that what you said a long time time ago when we was at the Jedi temple has a lot of merit.

LI-GON'S GHOST: And that was...

BEEN: " I must do what I must......

LI-GON'S GHOST: I never thought that I would live ( even though I am actually deceased )to see the day where my Padawan learner would turn into such a punkified, wimpified, homogenized, pasturized, petrified, sissified shell of a jedi knight

BEEN: You dont know what its like to travel with the company that I was with... it was like having four jab jab rinks constantly getting on your last nerves over stupid asinine ****

LI-GON GHOST: Dont center on your anixeties, Ob-Ewan, keep your concentration here and now where it belongs.

BEEN: will you give it a rest, Li-gon ! geez, you been repeating the same stupid lines from TPM even when you've been dead for the past 40 years. Did it ever occure to you that after 40 years of listening to you repeating the same phrases, that I might..oh I dont know....DONT GIVE A **** !!!!!!!!!

LI-GON'S GHOST: And as you dont give a ****, you should always be mindful of the living force, young padawan. That way, you would know that despite the odds against you giving a ****, there's always a bigger fish.

BEEN (slumping to the floor of the ship while sobbing ): Li-Gon, please stop it, I am slowly losing my sanity. Do you have anything worthwhile to say thats not TPM related ?

LI-GON'S GHOST: Only this......

THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A GOOD MINUTE WITHOUT BLINKING

LI-GON'S GHOST: ... That I forsee you becoming a great jedi knight..

BEEN: Here we go again....

LI-GON'S GHOST: And that you are a much wiser man than I am..

BEEN: not wise enough to leave when I had the chance, G**d***i*

SC 63 INT. DEADLY STAR - FORWARD BAY - COMMAND OFFICE

MARCUS: Like I said, Been is a great man..

HANDS: Yeah, great into getting us into trouble

MARCUS: Why you stuck up , half witted, scruffy looking,...nerfherder ! Who do you...

ARTOO DETOO INTERRUPTS THE TWO QUARRLING EXCUSE FOR HEROES TO LET THEM KNOW THAT PRINCESS LEE IS HERE ON THE DEATH WISH STAR

MARCUS: The princess she's here

HANDS: Princess, whats going on?

ARTOO DETOO BEEPS AND WHISTLE A SECOND TIME AND STINKY-O RELATES THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE

STINKY-O : The princess is in detetion level....uh...uh... something, something nubian

LI-GONS'S GHOST: Hmmmmmm, where have I heard that before ?

STINKY-O: I'm afraid that shes scheduled to be whacked

MARCUS: Holy ****, we gotta do something

HANDS: Do what, little whining farmers boy?

MARCUS: She's the one in the message , we gotta help her!

HANDS: Is you ****in crazy, bad enough we are trapped in this station without no back up, limited artillary, no food or medical resources, and now you want us to rescue some bimbo who I don't know or had any sex u al contact with....I think not !

MARCUS: You got to be joking

HANDS: Besides, the old man told us to stay right here

MARCUS: Listen, you have been ( no pun intended ) raving about not having enough hard core Steven Segal action to satisfy you, now all you wanna do is stay ?

HANDS: Marching into a detention cell is not my Idea of hard core action...more like suicide

MARCUS: But they're gonna execute her...

MARCUS STARES AT HANDS FOR A GOOD MINUTE HOPING THAT THE VERY WORDS OF DEATH OF AN INNOCENT AND HELPLESS PRINCESS IN MORTAL DANGER WOULD AWAKEN THE HERO WITHIN OUR...WELL... HERO. HANDS NOW TURNS TO MARCUS AND MAKES HIS DARING DECISION KNOWN, A DECISION THAT WILL MARK HANDS DOWN IN THE ANNELS OF HUMAN COURAGE AND VALOR...

HANDS: **** that B**** !!!

MARCUS : WHAT? ? ? ?!!!!

HANDS: You heard me, **** her, I mean, she ain't my woman for me to be risking life and limb over

MARCUS: Oh my God, she's the friggin' princess for crying out loud !!!!

HANDS: And... what has she done for me lately ?

MARCUS SENSING THAT THE ARGUMENT IS ALMOST LOST TURNS TO HIS ACE IN THE HOLE...

MARCUS (whispering in hands ear): She's rich.

CHUNKY LETS OUT A ROAR OF APPROVAL

HANDS : Rich ? you mean this broad got money?

MARCUS: Oh yeah, loads of it.

HANDS: I'm talking about, does this B**** got C.H.C.O.H.

MARCUS: C.H.C.O.H.? Whats that ?

HANDS: Cold Hard Cash On Hand.

MARCUS: Listen, they give rewards for the rescue of a princess

HANDS: How much ?

MARCUS: More wealth than you can imagine

HANDS: If I can imagine having wild, meaningless unprotective sex with Carrie Fisher, I can imagine quite a bit !

MARCUS: You'll get it you greedy mutha****a, I know you want the money. Your life serves no other purpose. I mean can you picture your self as anything else other than a two bit thug and hoodlum ?

HANDS : I can imagine myself as a well respected General of a small rebel alliance one day..

MARCUS ( Laughing hard ): Who told you that lie ?!!

HANDS: You better be right about this. Cause if your not...I will mop up the floor with your monkey a** my damn self. Okay kid, what's your plan.

MARCUS : Ummmm

MARCUS REACHES OVER TO GRAB A PAIR OF SnM CUFFS, A WHIP, AND SOME KY JELLY AND WALKS OVER TO CHUNKY...

MARCUS: Okay, now I'm gonna put this on you..

CHUNKY LETS A FIERCE SNARL AT MARCUS FOR EVEN THINKING ALONG THOSE LINES

MARCUS: Uhhh errrr, 0okay, Hands, you put these on him

HANDS: Marcus, I'm insulted at you even thinking I get down like that

HE TAKES THE CUFFS AND PUTS IT ON CHUNKY

HANDS: Dont worry chunky, I think I know what he has in mind

STINKY-O : Sir i dont think it would be too much trouble to ask what should we do if Artoo and I are discovered

MARCUS: Lock the door

HANDS: And hope that they don't have blasters

STINKY-O: Thats it ? Nothing else ?

HANDS ( Looking at Stinky-o with a surprised expression ): Yeah ! That's it... what the **** you think you was gonna do.

STINKY-O : Well.. I ..could defend my self y'know.

MARCUS: You got to be kidding me. With what? your fluency in over six million forms of communication ? what the **** is you talking about.

STINKY-O: Listen, Im not sitting here waiting to be blown to hell while you sorry sons of jawas try to rescue a woman who has not the least bit of attraction for either of you..... Literally.

HANDS: Well, regardless of anything, you cant even make love to a woman anyway!

STINKY-O : For your information, I happen to be fully functional in that area, thank you very much!

MARCUS: Whatever!

HANDS: My point exactly .

MARCUS( Scratches his hair ): I dont get it.

HANDS: When you become a bona fide sex symbol like myself... you will.

THEY BOTH LEAVE THE ROOM


SC 64 INT. DEADLY STAR - DETENTION AREA

Marcus and Hands march through the Deadly Star, trying to look inconspicuous. Several crewers throw curious glances at Chunky, whose hands are bound. After a short wait, an elevator arrives. The trio steps in.

HANDS: I can't see a thing in this helmet!

MARCUS: Maybe you should put on your glasses.

HANDS: For the last time, I don't need glasses!

The elevator door closes, cutting off Chunky's muffled laughter.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN HALLWAY

Several stomptroopers walk in formation down the hallway. After they pass, Been sticks his head out from behind a column. Stealthily, he makes his way unseen through the battle station. He quickly ducks out of sight as the menacing figure of Darth Vacuous appears in the hallway. Vacuous passes by, oblivious to Been's presence. Suddenly, the old man slips out of concealment and lightly touches Vacuous' back. The Sith Lord whirls about, but Been has already slipped back into hiding. Confused, Vacuous continues walking. As he passes the camera, we can see that Been stuck a piece of paper to Vacuous' cape saying, "KICK ME"

IMPERIOUS STATION- DETENTION PRISONER CELL ELEVATOR

HANDS: Y'know kid, i dont think this is gonna work

MARCUS: Why didnt you say that before

HANDS: I did say this before

MARCUS SHRUGGS HIS SHOULDERS AND AWAITS THE ARRIVAL OF THE DESTINATED FLOOR. THE DOOR SOON OPENS AND OUT STEPS OUR SORRY SONS OF JAWAS READY TO RESCUE OUR FAIR MAIDEN...

A OFFICER (WHO IS LOOKING AT A CONTROL PANEL) LOOKS AT THE RATHER LARGE COOKIE IN CUFFS WITH A KEEN INTEREST

OFFICER: Where are you taking this... thing ?

MARCUS: Prisoner being transfered from cell block 1148.

OFFICER: I wasnt notified...I have to clear it

MARCUS: I dont think that is a good idea ..sir

OFFICER: Why

HANDS: Because these orders came directly from the commander himself

OFFICER: Commander ? and who might that be ?

HANDS: What do you mean " who might that be? ' you dont know the commander?

MARCUS: WHAT?!!. Please tell me you know who the commander is. Dont sit up here and tell me , you dont know who the commander is?!!!

OFFICER ( Loking a tad bit nervous ): I dont know who the commander is...

MARCUS: Bull**** !!!!! you know who the ***k the commander is. Dont ***kin sit up her and lie to me ! Why do you think we brought up this smelly, nasty, filthy, diseased animal with little or no brain patterns just so your lazy, retarded a** can sit up here and tell us you dont know who the commander is! These orders came from the commander! Everybody in the Deadly Star knows who the commander is. You mean to tell me, You, out of everybody in this big a** space station, dont know who the commander is ?!!!

THE OFFICER AT THIS POINT, IS SWEATING UP A STORM..

MARCUS: WELL?!! Dont just stand there looking like a complete a**hole, Do you know who he is ?!!!

OFFICER: I.... Uhhh..... I... Oh God, I....

HANDS: Get a hold of yourself you ***kin sissy. Answer the G**damn question !!!!

OFFICER: Uhhhhhh .... Commander..uhhh..

MARCUS: Lets go, while we're young !!!

OFFICER: Uhhhh commander...RIKER ?

MARCUS: Bull**** !!!! You know who the ***k he is. Tellin us some stupid **** like that.Is you crazy?!! how did you get this job ? who did you see? who did you ***k ? who is your relative ? I dont what to say.. listen just move! get the hell out of here!!
Oooooo Boy, just wait 'till I tell the commander about this one!!

HANDS: This is bad.. this is really bad. you really done it, now.

OFFICER: Oh my God, what have I done ?!!!

IN HIS GRIEF, THE GUARD GRABS A BLASTER THEN TRIES TO KILL HIMESELF

MARCUS: Holy ****! look out hes got a gun !!

MARCUS AND HANDS PROCEED TO DRAW THEIR GUNS AND START FIRING WILDLY AT RANDOM SHOOTING THE CAMERAS LOCATED ON THE WALL AND DOORWAYS
THE OFFICER,UNFORTUNATELY GOT CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE. AFTERWARDS THE HEROES PROCEED TO FIND THE PRINCESS, BUT NOT WITHOUT THE ALARMS GOING OFF.....HANDS IS NOW AT THE CONTROL PANEL...

HANDS: Now all we gotta do is find out which cell this princess of yours is in...here it is.cell number something something. you go get her, i'll hold everything here.

HANDS CLICK ON THE PANEL SWITCH

HANDS: Detention here...

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We have a priority one call from The commander.

HANDS( In a state of shock ): WHAT?!! Commander who..?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: You mean to tell me, you dont know who the commander is?

HANDS: I...Uhhh....I..Oh God...I..Commander..Riker ?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: Correct! Hes on line now.

HANDS: Patch me through.

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: You're on, commander Riker..

RIKER ( Sounding really pissed off): What the ***K is going ON down there?!

HANDS: We brought the cokkie up to the area as you requested sir.. the officer that was stationed there just had a nervous break down, and in the mist of him going crazy, we had a rather large radiation leakage.

RIKER: Son, can I ask a really stupid question?

HANDS: Yes sir?

RIKER: How can a man having a nervous break down cause a radiation leakage ?

HANDS: Uhhhhh..

RIKER: Listen, while you'll try to answer that question, I'll send a couple of my best stormtroopers up there to tear your ***kin throats out.. hows that for starters? huh? And while I'm at it,I'll have them blow you all new a**h***!
HANDS blasts the comm and turns to Marcus and Chunkalunk.

HANDS: Marcus, we're going g to have company, and I'm not talking about dinner guests!



INT. DEADLY STAR - CELL ROW

Marcus stops at one of the cells and opens the door. Inside, the beautiful Princess Lee is shaving her legs.

LEE: C*****! Don't you people ever knock?

Marcus doesn't answer, too busy ogling her bare legs, completely unaware that he is in fact checking out his twin sis-

Whack

Hey!

Quiet. There's no need give that away right now.

But everyone already knows it!

Too bad. They'll have to wait until RotJ.

Fine. *Ahem* Marcus is too busy ogling Princess Lee, making everyone who has seen RotJ gag as they know of a certain connection between the two.

LEE: Aren't you a bit short for a stomptrooper?

MARCUS: Aren't you a bit flat for a princess?

LEE: (bristling) Who do you think you are?

MARCUS: (pulling off his helmet) I'm Marcus Streetwalker, I'm here to rescue you.

LEE: Please tell me this is a joke.

MARCUS: I'm here to rescue you! I've got your R2 unit, I'm here with Been-There McNobi!

LEE: (groaning) Oh my god, you're serious. This is his idea of a rescue?

Fed up, Marcus grabs Lee and drags her from the room, complaining the entire way.

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONFERENCE ROOM

Darth Vacuous stands at one end of a table, addressing Tarpin.

VACUOUS: He is here.

TARPIN: Ob-Ewan McNobi? What makes you think so?

VACUOUS: Because we have to have a plot.

TARPIN: Surely you must be mistaken. Plotlines are extinct, replaced by special effects and CGI characters. You, my friend, are all that remains of that ancient religon.

The commlink buzzes quietly. Tarpin activates it.

TARPIN: Yes?

VOICE OVER INTERCOM: We have an emergency situation in detention area AA-twenty-three.

TARPIN: The princess? Put all sectors on alert!

VOICE: Uh... how do I that?

TARPIN: What? Who is this?

VOICE: Uh, Ensign Ricky, sir. It's my first day.

TARPIN: (sighing) There should be a big red button next to your right hand. Push it.

Alarms and sirens begin blaring all over the Deadly Star.

COMPUTER VOICE: Thank you for activating the self-destruct sequence. This station will self-destruct in twenty seconds.

TARPIN: No, your other right!

The alarms shut off.

VOICE: (sheepishly) Sorry, sir.

Tarpin irritably slaps off the intercom.

TARPIN: (muttering) I told them they needed to raise the minimum IQ to join the army, but do they listen? Noooooo...

VACUOUS: Ob-Ewan is here. The plot is with him.

TARPIN: What? Oh, right. If you're right, he must not be allowed to escape.

VACUOUS: (with genuine menace) He will not escape. I must face him, alone.

His black cape trailing behind him, Darth Vacuous storms from the conference room, his armored form the embodiment of evil.

Except for the KICK ME sign still taped to his back

DEADLY STAR DETENTION AREA

HANDS SEE THAT THE STOMPTROOPERS ARE ABOUT TO COME THROUGH THE ELEVATOR DOOR TELLS CHUNKY TO GET READY

HANDS( Yelling at chunky ): Get behind me! Its time to rock n roll baby!!!

THE DOOR EXPLODES AND THE STOMPTROOPERS STARTS TO FIRE THEIR WEAPONS. HANDS RETURN THE FIRE IN KIND BUT NOT WITHOUT HELP FROM HIS FRIENDS.

AS THE BATTLE RAGES ON..

HANDS: C'mon fall back

RIPLEY: Medical, get to medical

HANDS IS FIRING WILDLY WITH CHUNKY RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AND VASQUEZ TO THE FAR LEFT

HUDSON: Mutha****a!!, C'mon! come and get it baby. yeah! c'mon you bast**ds. Take some of this!! Oh, you want some of this too, ***k you !!

A STOMPTROOPER BREAKES OPEN THE FLOOR UNDER HUDSON AND TRIES TO PULL HIM DOWN

HUDSON( While strugglin violently ): Arrhhhggg...***K YOU !!!!! HE FIRES HIS LASER WEAPON THROUGH THE FLOOR BUT THE SHEER NUMBER OF STOMPTROOPERS IS TOO MUCH FOR EVEN HIM

HUDSON( Screamin ): HANDS !!!!!

HANDS While grabbing Hudson's arm to try to pull him up ) HUDSON!!!!!

HUDSON( With the stomptroopers finally pulling him down): Save meeeeeeeeeeee ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A STOMPTROOPER LEAPS OVER HANDS BUT HE CATCHES THE ENEMY A POINT BLANK RANGE WITH HIS LASER RIFLE.

HE GETS TO CONTINUE THE FIGHT

VASQUEZ: C'mon Hands, move!!!

HANDS RUNS TO THE BACK PART OF THE HALLWAY. CHUNKY IS STILL DOING HIS PART TO HOLD OFF THE ENENMIES WHILE MARCUS AND PRINCESS LEE COMES OUT OF THE CELL.

PRINCESS LEE: Looks like you manage to cut off our only escape route..

RIPLEY: **** !! I'll say he has, Burk ! Open this door!! Burk?! Open it !!

HANDS: Maybe you would like back in your cell your highness. Marcus! please tell this b**ch to shut the ***k up, I cant concentrate on being a hero with this broad flappin her gums!!!

MORE BLASTER FIRE PENETRATES THE HALL. MEANWHILE VASQUEZ USES GRENADE LAUNCHERS TO KEEP SOME MORE STOMPTROOPERS AT BAY. SHE SOON RUNS BACK TO JOIN OUR HEROES

PRINCESS LEE: This is some rescue! You mean you dont even have a plan for an escape?!

WHACK !!!

HANDS: You still talkin?! B**ch, what the ***k I just told you..

WHACK

MARCUS: Hey, Hands. Take it easy on her. Shes only tryin to help

HANDS: Hes the brains.. sweetheart!!!

PRINCESS LEE THEN GRABS MARCUS' LASER BLASTER AND TELLS VAZQUEZ, WHO WAS MAKING A WAY OUT WITH THE MINI BLOWTORCH SHE WAS USING, TO MOVE OUT THE WAY. SHE THEN BLASTES A BIG GIANT HOLE IN THE WALL

HANDS: What the hell are you doing?!!!

PRINCESS LEE: Never send a SON to do a MOTHER'S job.

THE PRINCESS STARTS TO FIRE AT THE TROOPERS WHO WAS CAUGHT UNPREPARED FOR THE PRECISION AND STYLE OF THE WARRIOR MAIDEN ATTACK.

PRINCESS LEE( Yelling at hands ): Get in the chute fly boy!!!

BEFORE THE PRINCESS JUMPS IN, RIPLEY JUMPS IN FRONT OF HER YELLIN IN THE HOLE

RIPLEY: Newt! Hang on baby!!!

VOICE OF NEWT: Riiiiiipleyyyyyyyyyyyyy

RIPLEY: Dont let go!!! I'm coming !!!!

SHE THEN JUMPS IN THE CHUTE. PRINCESS LEE LOOKS AT MARCUS WITH A LOOK OF CONFUSION

PRINCESS LEE: Who was that woman?!

SHE JUMPS IN, LEAVING MARCUS, CHUNKY AND HANDS STILL FIGHTING. CHUNKY LOOKS AT THE HOLE AND LETS OUT A ROAR OF DISAPPROVAL

HANDS: Get in there you big hairy oaf, I dont care what you smell

HE KICKS HIM DOWN THE CHUTE

HANDS( While still firing at the troopers ): Marcus?!!, If we ever get out of here alive, I swear to God, im gonna tear a new frame out your a** for talkin me into this.

MARCUS( While jumpin down the chute ): But at least you'll get the moneeeeeeeyyyyyyyy

SOON AFTERWARDS, HANDS JUMPS IN

INT. DEADLY STAR - DAYCARE CENTER - BALL ROOM

Hands falls into a large room filled with hundreds of multi-colored balls. Chunky is pulling at a door, which doesn't budge.

HANDS: Now we're in the daycare center! Wonderful idea, princess! Chunky, get out of the way!

MARCUS: No, wait!

Hands fires his blaster. It bounces off the door and ricochets around the room, making everyone duck for cover.

MARCUS: Would you forget it? I already tried, it's childproof.

Princess Lee climbs out of the balls with an angry expression on her face.

Whack

HANDS: Ow!

LEE: Put that thing away, you're going to get us all killed!

HANDS: You want a piece of me, woman?

LEE: Anytime, hotshot.

Hands swings at Lee. Lee deftly sidesteps the punch, grabs his hand, and with a quick twist, sends him slamming into the wall.

MARCUS: (laughing) Dude, you just got your @ss kicked by a girl.

HANDS: (grumbling) It could be worse.

High-pitched, childish giggling works its way up from underneath the balls. Marcus and Hands point their guns down at the ground.

LEE: It's worse.

MARCUS: Something just moved past my leg!

HANDS: Where?

Marcus is suddenly pulled under the balls.

LEE: Marcus! Marcus!

Marcus surfaces with a gasp of air and thrashing limbs. A toddler has his arms wrapped around Marcus' neck, and two more cling to his arms.

MARCUS: Blast 'em, will you!? My gun's jammed!

HANDS: But they're just kids!

MARCUS: I don't care! Kill them!

He is pulled back under. Hands starts firing his gun blindly into the balls. Suddenly, a loud mechanical clank is heard. Gasping, Marcus surfaces. The children are nowhere in sight.

LEE: What happened?

MARCUS: I don't know, they just let go of me!

Before anyone can say anything else, more balls begin pouring into the room.

LEE: They're filling it with more balls!

HANDS: We'll be buried alive!

Our heroes try to stay on the top, but the ball level steadily rises. Soon, it is up to their elbows.

MARCUS: Wait a minute! (he pulls out his comlink) Stinky-O! Come in! man it, Stinky-O, where the hell are you?!
 

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

Hands, Marcus, Lee, and Chunky stop on a platform above the hangar. The area below the ship is swarming with troopers, which is strange, so they didn't run into a single one during their journey back from the daycare center. I mean, it was quite a hike, you think they would have run into at least one person capable of sounding an alarm-

Whack

GL: Leave it alone. Plot convenience.

Sorry.

MARCUS: (pulling out his comlink) Stinky-O, do you copy?

STINKY: (v.o.) Yes, but I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at such things.

MARCUS: Uh... right. Are you safe?

STINKY: (v.o.) At the moment. But I'm just an interpreter, and not very good at such things.

MARCUS: Suuuure. We're right above you. When you see us make a dash for the ship, follow our lead.

STINKY: (v.o.) Yes, sir. But I'm just an interpreter, and not very go-

Whack

STINKY: (v.o.) OW! Hey, how'd you do that over the comlink?!

MARCUS: Wow, Been was right. The Force is with me.

STINKY: (v.o.) Whatever you say, sir. But I'm just an inter-

Marcus turns off the comlink before Stinky-O can finish.

MARCUS: Remind me to wipe his memory after this.

HANDS: Sure. Hey, your highnessnessness, aren't you going to make some insult about my ship?

LEE: What would the challenge be in that?

The sound of booted feet echo around the corner. A squad of stomptroopers is approaching.

MARCUS: Quick, if we go this way we can avoid them entirely.

HANDS: No, it's not right for my idium.

MARCUS: Your what?

HANDS: I must escape more... (he trails off, at a loss for words)

LEE: Dramatically?

HANDS: Yes! Dramatically!

Roaring at the top of his lungs, he dashes around the corner and opens fire on the troopers. The squad commander is immediately cut down.

TROOPER: Run away! Run away!

The troopers all turn tail and run, shouting 'Run away!' Hands charges after them. Chunky sighs, and begins chasing after Hands.

LEE: Not the tactic I would have chosen.

MARCUS: Yeah, well, what can you do? He's a moron. Come on, let's go

INT. DEADLY STAR - SUBHALLWAY

Hands chases the stomptroopers down the hallway. Suddenly, the lead stomptrooper stops and spins around, his gun at ready.

STOMP 1: Wait a minute! We've got armor, guys! He can't hurt us!

The stomptroopers turn around and begin firing wildly in the corridor. Not a single one of their shots even comes close.

STOMP 2: I can't see a thing in this darned helmet!

STOMP 1: Don't complain! At least it's keeping you safe.

One of Hand's shots blasts right through the stomptrooper's armor, killing him instantly. Another shot grazes a trooper's elbow, and his chestplate explodes. Another trooper stubs his toe, and his head blows up, spraying blood everywhere. Within seconds, all of the stomptroopers are dead. Looking around in satisfaction, Hands suddenly looks at the floor and screams. Coming straight at him is a mouse droid.

INT. DEADLY STAR - SUBHALLWAY

Chunky is running down the corridor, trying to catch up to his friend. Suddenly, Hands barrels around the corner, running for his life, pursued by a very angry mouse droid. Chunky turns around and starts running the other way.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

Marcus and Lee are running from several stomptroopers. They duck into a nearby hatchway.

INT. DEADLY STAR - CENTRAL CORE SHAFT

There is a bottomless pit with a narrow bridge crossing it. The bridge has been retracted, and Marcus nearly runs off the edge, but Lee grabs his belt.

MARCUS: What is it with GL and bottomless pits?

The stomptroopers chasing them open fire. Lee hits a button and the hatchway closes. Marcus blasts the controls, eliminating any chance they had of extending the bridge.

MARCUS: There, that should create some dramatic tension.

GL: No, not quite. Maybe some more stomptroopers.

Several stomptroopers appear on a higher ledge and begin firing at Marcus and Lee.

GL: Yes, that's much better.

Marcus ignores him as he roots around in his utility belt, practically begging to be sued by Batman for copyright infringement.

MARCUS: Let's see... compass, pocketknife, rebreather... (he continues looking) chewing gum, duct tape, via- viagra!?

Lee and Marcus exchange looks.

LEE: Somehow, I'm not surprised.

MARCUS: Yeah, I guess not... ah! Here it is.

He pulls out a small grappling hook with a length of cord attached to it. With an expert swing, he hooks it around a fixture.

As he is preparing to swing across, Lee suddenly kisses him on the cheek. Marcus looks stunned for a minute, then tries to french her.

LEE: AUGH! It was for LUCK, you pervert!

MARCUS: Oh. Sorry.

Lee and Marcus swing across the chasm, Marcus using the opportunity to feel up Lee. Once again, everyone who has seen RotJ shudders.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY LEADING TO THE MAIN BAY

Been moves stealthily down the hallway towards the Millenium Fountain. As he nears the end of the hallway, Darth Vacuous steps into view, his sabre lit. Been ignites his own sabre.

VACUOUS: I've been waiting for you, Ob-Ewan. We converge again at last. The circle is now total.

OB-EWAN: Uh... what?

VACUOUS: Your vocabulary grows frail, old man. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the ruler.

OB-EWAN: Yes, well I can see you still haven't learned the proper way to use a thesaurus.

Ob-Ewan lunges suddenly, but is checked by a lightning move by the Sith. A masterful slash stroke by Vacuous is blocked by the old Jedi. Another of Been's blows is-- oh, who am I kidding. Look, this is the worst sabre fight in any of the SW movies. Ob-Ewan obviously hasn't been keeping up his fighting skills since TPM. Normally, I'd just tell you to get a drink or something while this is happening, but there's dialogue, so you might want to stick around.

VACUOUS: You should not have come back.

BEEN: Actually, I haven't 'come back', since this is the first time I've ever been here. Besides, you can't win. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

VACUOUS: I don't know... I can imagine an awful lot.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

Hands and Chunky are both breathing hard, obviously exhausted from running.

HANDS: I think... we lost it...

Marcus and Lee join them.

MARCUS: Are you okay?

HANDS: Yeah... just... out of breath...

MARCUS: What, did you guys run into Darth Vacuous or something?

HANDS: Worse. (he shivers) I'll tell you about it later.

MARCUS: How's the ship?

HANDS: Fine. Why? What are you implying? You saying it won't be fine?

MARCUS: Uh, Hands--

HANDS: Is that what you're saying? That my ship's a piece of crap?

MARCUS: Hands, I really think you should--

HANDS: Go ahead, say it! What's the matter, don't have the guts to say it to my face!?

MARCUS: HANDS!

HANDS: What?

MARCUS: I'm standing over here. You're talking to a wall.

Hands squints, then suddenly blushes.

HANDS: (muttering) I knew that.

INT. DEADLY STAR - HALLWAY

Vacuous and Been continue their duel. The troopers guarding the ship notice the two fighting, and move to investigate.

HANDS: Now's our chance! Go!

Hands, Marcus, Lee and Chunky race towards the ship. Marcus slows as he sees Been and Vacuous fighting.

Been looks at the troopers and realizes he is trapped. Smiling, he raises his sabre.

MARCUS: Been?

Vacuous sweeps his sabre across, cutting right through Been. Been's cloak falls to the floor in two piece, but he is not in it.

MARCUS: NOOOOOO!!!!

The stomptroopers turn around and begin firing at Marcus. Still in shock, Marcus returns fire.

INT. DAGLOBAH - YOGA'S HUT

Yoga is preparing his dinner. As he is about to taste his stew, an angry voice interrupts him.

BEEN: WHAT THE **** HAPPENED?!?

Yoga turns around to see the pale blue ghost of Been standing in his hut with his fists clenched.

YOGA: Ah, took my advice you did.

BEEN: And a fat lot of good it did me! You said I would become more powerful than he could imagine!

YOGA: Metaphorically was I speaking. One with the Force you have become.

BEEN: That's it?! That's the power you were talking about? In case you haven't noticed, I'm DEAD!

YOGA: Mmm, very observant you are, yes? Nothing gets past you.

BEEN: (muttering) Lying little toad.

YOGA: Happens, **** does. Live with it you must. Or in your case, not live with it.

BEEN: Oh, ha ha, very freaking funny.

INT. DEADLY STAR - MAIN FORWARD BAY

Meanwhile, Marcus has been steadily taking down stomptroopers, whose bodies are now starting to pile on top of each other. With one last shot, the final remaining stomptrooper falls over.

LEE: Could we go already? Come on, Marcus!

MARCUS: No! I wanna kill some more people! Make them bring more people!

Vacuous, who has been poking around at Been's cloak for the past few minutes, finally gets up and starts heading towards Marcus.

MARCUS: Uh... on second thought, maybe it is time to go.

He races into the Millenium Fountain.

EXT. SPACE

The Fountain fires, taking out the fighter trailing Marcus.

HANDS: You're all clear, kid. Now let's blow this thing and go home!

GL: CUT! Damn it, Hands, you came in too early!

HANDS: What?

GL: You weren't supposed to come in until later! Now you've ruined the surprise ending!

Hands whips out his script and peers closely at it. With a quick glance to make sure no one's watching, he pulls out his glasses and puts them on.

HANDS: Aw, nuts. Sorry.

GL: Get the hell out of here!

The Fountain flies away.

GL: Okay, let's pick it up with the Y-Wing attack run.

GOLD LEADER: Red Leader, this is Gold Leader. We are starting our attack run.

Several Y-Wings peel off towards a sign labeled "Exhaust Port exit 1/2 mile. Right lane must exit."

OUTER SPACE BATTLE SCENE:


GOLD LEADER, ALONG WITH THREE Y-WING FIGHTERS, STARTS HIS ATTACK RUN INTO THE TRENCHES OF THE DEADLY STAR:

MEANWHILE PRINCESS LEE, AND THE OTHER LOW LEVEL MINIONS GAZE INTO THE LARGE PANAVISION THX-1138 CERTIFIED 44'INCH MONITOR. SHE BENDS OVER TO PICK UP SOME MORE NACHOS AS THE OTHER ROYAL LACKEYS START TO OGLE HER REAR END..

RED LEADER ( Voice over the cockpit ): I copy gold leader, just haul a** to the exhaust port, we'll try to hold these guys here !

THREE TIE FIGHTERS WITH DARTH VACUOUS IN HOT PURSUIT IS CLOSING IN ON OUR HEROES...

VACUOUS: Okay you morons, lets go over this one last time... stay in attack formation... not in defense formation. Remember...you are the pimps in this battle... these rebel scums are your hoes... you must , I repeat, you must layeth the smacketh downeth on these rooty pooty, fresh and fruity, tender roni, phony a** jabronies....is that understood ?!

ALL THE PILOTS : YES , SIR !!!!

VACUOUS: Aiight, lets show these punks the power of the darkside.... ( While he rolls his tongue ) IF YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOWWWW .... WHAT THE " VAC" ...IS..COOKIN !


BACK TO THE BATTLE IN THE TRENCHES:


RED LEADER: The exhaust port is...

GOLD LEADER : ...Marked and locked in.

THE THREE Y-WING SPEEDS DOWN THE TRENCHES


GOLD LEADER: Switch all available power to front deflector screens

PILOTS VOICE: G**dammit !! Sir ....I don't have no deflector screens !

GOLD LEADER AND THE OTHER PILOT START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

GOLD LEADER: Gold two , are you kidding me ? You have no deflector screens at all ?

PILOT ( Gold Two is sounding very nervous over the comlink ): Hey man, I wouldn't kid you about a thing like this, now c'mon....I need some help here !

GOLD LEADER : ( while still snickering under his breath ) Alright, Gold Two...I'll see what I can do...by the way, how many guns do you see up there...Gold Five... Gold five ? HEY GOLD FIVE ?!!


GOLD FIVE OVER THE COMLINK IS HEARD WAKING UP FROM HIS LOUD SNORING.....


LAZY A** GOLD FIVE: Ahem !! sorry, sir...I must have dozed off for a second...wont happen again!

GOLD LEADER: How may guns do you see ?....

LAZY A** GOLD FIVE : Huh?... whats that ?

GOLD LEADER ( yelling into the comlink, with a pissed off look ) : How many guns do you see ?... Gold Five ?....

THE SOUNDS OF GOLD FIVE SNORING IS HEARD LOUD INTO THE COMLINK OF GOLD LEADER...

GOLD LEADER : I swear, Gold Two, I'm gonna throw him under the stockade when we get back to base.

GOLD TWO : Uhhhh, sir ? I don't mean to be a pain in your a**, but, how do you know if we're gonna live through this mission, or not ?

GOLD LEADER : Relax number two... we're Gold Fighters. We are the experts at this sort of thing...C'mon, what could possibly go wrong?....I don't mean to sound like I'm a cold hearted bas***d, but, I betcha we'll last longer than those newcomers, Wedge and Marcus..huh ?

GOLD TWO : Yeah, sir ... you're absolutely right ! What the hell was I thinking ?


INSIDE THE REBEL SCUM BASE

VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER : Deadly Star will be in range to blow your sorry @sses into oblivion in exactly five minutes !....Thank you.. and have a pleasant flight !


MEANWHILE BACK IN THE TRENCHES :


GOLD LEADER : Switch to targeting computer... ( while giggling ) Hey Gold Two...you at least have that don't you ?

GOLD TWO: ( speaking with the voice of Arnold Swarzenagger, from the movie The Terminator ) ***k you, A**hole !..... Hey?! The Guns...they stopped ! Gold Five ?! what the hell is going on up there ?!!

LAZY A** GOLD FIVE ( Sounding like hes waking up again ) : Stabilize...."snort, snort " rear.....deflectors...

GOLD TWO ( Sounding really nervous ): Wait a minute ! I don't have any deflectors...hey Gold Leader ?... where is my deflectors you was supposed to get me ?!

GOLD LEADER : You ***t outta luck, pal...there's nothing I can do...they're coming in, three marks and two tens !!!

GOLD TWO ( Panicking and crying like a little biznitch ) : Oh God, deliver me from this terrible evil.... Please...I'm too sexy to die !

GOLD LEADER STARTS TO SING A SONG : I

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

A nervous officer walks up to Tarpin, who is setting up a table for what looks like a party.

OFFICER: We've analyzed their attack, sir, and there is a danger. Should I have your ship standing by?

TARPIN: What? Hey, do me a favor, would you? Set these forks out (he hands the officer a fistful of forks) and put out the namecards. Don't put me next to Vacuous, I get sick watching him eat.

OFFICER: But sir, the Rebels attacking the station-

TARPIN: I don't have time for that! The guests are going to start arriving any minute to watch the Rebel base blow up, and everything has to be ready!

INTERCOM VOICE: Rebel base, three minutes and closing.

TARPIN: ****! I still have to do my hair!

EXT. SPACE - DEADLY STAR

RED LEADER: Red boys, this is Red Leader. Rendezvous at mark six point one.

DAGNABIT: (over headset) Red Leader, this is Base One. Keep half your group out of range for the next run.

RED LEADER: Next run? Are you kidding? We're not attacking, we're getting the hell out of here!

Whack

RED LEADER: Ow!

LEE: (over headset) Now you listen to me, you little twerp! You're gonna blow up that Deadly Star, you're gonna be a hero, or I'm gonnna come up there and kick your @ss!

RED LEADER: (mumbling) Yes, ma'am.

The other pilots snicker.

RED LEADER: Marcus, take Red Two and Three. Hold up here and wait for my signal to start your attack run.

BIC AND WEDGE: HIM!?

MARCUS: ME?! What do you mean, me?!

BIC: He just joined the squadron ten minutes ago, and you're putting him in charge?! Why?!

RED LEADER: Because it's in the script.

Red Leader and two other X-Wings peel off and head down to the trench.

RED LEADER: This is it!

Whack

RED LEADER: Ow!

RIC OILY: Ha ha!

The three X-Wings zoom down the trench, evading dozens of turbolaser blasts from mounted guns.

RED TEN: We should be able to see it by now.

Suddenly the guns stop firing.

RED LEADER: Keep your eyes open for those fighters.

RED TEN: There's too much interference. Red Five, can you see them from where you are?

MARCUS: Yeah.

RED TEN: What?! Why didn't you say so? Where are they?

MARCUS: Right behind you.

Red Ten is incinerated by Darth Vacuous' laserfire.

RED LEADER: Almost there!

ARTOO: Hey Marcus. Why don't you just get behind the BOWTIE fighters and shoot them down?

MARCUS: Well, because... um... because...

ARTOO: Yes?

MARCUS: It's a... it's a human thing. I can't explain it.

ARTOO: Bull****.

MARCUS: No, seriously, I, uh-

RED LEADER: It's away!

Marcus looks down just in time to see Red Leader's proton torpedoes go directly into the exhaust port.

MARCUS: Holy crap, he did it!

INT. DEADLY STAR - CONTROL ROOM

Tarpin is standing in his best dress uniform, welcoming the guests.

TARPIN: Yes, wonderful to see you again, Admiral. You're just in time.

ADMIRAL: So what do you have planned for us?

TARPIN: Well, we watch the Rebel base blow up, maybe go blow up a few more planets to tighten our stranglehold on the surrounding systems, have a light dinner, and then maybe charades.

ADMIRAL: Well, sounds like you've got quite a party planned.

A officer rushes into the room screaming at the top of his lungs.

OFFICER: HE HIT IT! HE HIT IT! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

He dives into the corner and curls up into a fetal position. After a few seconds, it dawns on him that the station hasn't blown up.

TARPIN: Are you quite done?

OFFICER: But... but he hit the exhaust port.

TARPIN: Do you really think we'd leave such a glaring weakness in this battlestation? How dumb do you think we are? The building inspector caught that two months ago.

OFFICER: You mean... we're not going to die?

TARPIN: Of course not. We moved the reactor to a safe location. One where no one will ever find it.

EXT. SPACE

BIC: So... now what?

MARCUS: I dunno.

BEEN: (v.o.) Use the Force, Marcus.

MARCUS: What the?! Who said that?

BEEN: (v.o.) Use the g**d*** Force already!!

MARCUS: (mumbling) Yes, sir.

Wedge and Bic snicker.

MARCUS: Okay, so I have to use the Force. No problem. I can do that.

ARTOO: Yeah, right.

MARCUS: Really! I just have to look for....WT*, BEEN! Crap and urine???

INT. DEADLY STAR-BATHROOM HALLWAY

MOTH TARPIN rushes into the men's room.

INT DEADLY STAR-MEN'S ROOM #2301 (THE WOMEN HAVE 8,000 WITH TWICE AS MANY TOILETS AND THREE TIMES AS BIG)

MOTH TARPIN: (Shown from chest up) Ah, that's such a relief. What- they use Charmin?! I told them never to stock their bathrooms with-


The DEADLY STAR blows up.

EXT SPACE

WEDGE: You did it!

Everyone cheers over the comm.

BIC: I knew we could do it! Didn't I tell you? We're two shooting stars that ain't never gonna be stopped!

A shadow falls over Bic's fighter.

BIC: What the-

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Hands is grinning from ear to ear.

HANDS: Yahoo!

EXT. SPACE

The Fountain fires, blasting Bic's X-Wing to pieces.

HANDS: You're all clear, kid! Now let's blow this thing and go home!

MARCUS: Hands!! What the hell is wrong with you!?!

HANDS: What are you talking about? I just shot that fighter off your back.

MARCUS: THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND!!

A pause. A very, very, long pause.

HANDS: (weakly) Oh.

MARCUS: DAMMNIT! Why aren't you wearing your glasses?!

HANDS: Well- I- that is...

MARCUS: And in case you didn't notice, we already blew up the Deadly Star!

HANDS: Uh... sorry?

INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - HANGAR

Marcus and the others have landed and are getting out of their fighters. Everyone is rushing up to greet them.

MARCUS: Carrie! I mean, Lee!

She runs up and throws her arms around him. Marcus is about to make the best of this opportunity when a sudden surge of crewmen seperate the two. (they've seen RotJ) Hands runs up and flings his arms open. Everyone just stares at him.

HANDS: Well, isn't anybody going to thank me?

LEE: Why the hell should we? You showed up too late and killed his best friend.

HANDS: Yeah, but... I came back. You know, there's more to me than money, and all that?

Everyone simply stares. Hands looks embarrassed.

HANDS: Okay, fine. I came back because I forgot Chunky. There, you happy now?

INT. MASSASSI TEMPLE - MAIN THRONE ROOM

Hundreds of soldiers line the vast throne room in perfect formation. Marcus enters at the back of the room.

ANNOUNCER: For destroying the Deadly Star and saving our base, you are being presented with the highest honor we can give. Step forward to recieve your reward.

Marcus walks proudly to the end of the room, where Princess Lee awaits. She has an ornate medal, which she hangs from Marcus' neck. Lee then gestures at the guards near the door. They shove in Hands, naked and blindfolded.

ANNOUNCER: For killing one of our pilots and generally just being a jerk, you are being presented with the highest dishonor we can give. Step forward to recieve your award.

All of the soldiers lined along the path pull out paddles. The guards shove Hands forward, and all the soldiers start whacking at him as he passes.

HANDS: Augh! Stop it! That hurts!

Marcus and Lee smile at each other. Artoo beeps something cute, and everyone starts laughing.

HANDS: OW! Why the hell are you laughing at me? This isn't funny!

Iris out, with Hands' pained screams mingling with cheerful laughter.

THE END

PDLIF by Bob Iver

Please, don't live in fear
We can't see from here right now
Send it off from here
And free your mind

You know it never stays the same
And they will never tell you you're all to blame
So you wanted it rearranged
(Fantastic)
And you wish it was only a shame

All there is really to say
We are at the beginning again
But oh
How things can change
(So don't you)
(So don't you)
(But don't you)
So don't you run away!

Think we on the wrong track somehow
While I'm not gonna tell you that everyone's safe
I will say
There will be a better day
There will be a better day
There will be a better day

I'd be good to fall back
Think we on the wrong track somehow
I'd be good to fall back
Think we on the wrong track somehow
There's several ways to know better
Papa was a go getter

You know it never stays the same
And they will never tell you you're all to blame
Please, don't live in fear

Source: Musixmatch







Written by:

study3600
Nanai
Scruff
Purp
Zorba the Hutt's wife
Nanai Akira
maulman
anfpt315
GENERAL RIKKAN
Darth Vacuous
Lwyn'nya Kenobi
Mr.K
Barbara Fett

A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION


Finis