The Star Wars Humorous Versions » The Empire Strikes Back Humorous Version

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:53 pm

WARNING: THIS FANFIC IS FILLED WITH STAR WARS SAGA SPOILERS!!!!

RATED PG-13 for language, sex humor and possible drug references.

All credit for anything not my own in these scripts goes to their authors. Any change or alteration made to any original material from other authors made for editorial purposes or for continuity or in keeping with the rules of theforce.net.

Title: The Empire Strikes Back, Humorous Version

Author: The Jedi Council. First Author: Purp. All other Authors:
GENERAL RIKKAN
Darth Vacuous
Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn
Gonk
study3600

Characters: Manakin Streetwalker/Darth Vacuous, Cameo/Umporer Palpitatine, GENERAL RIKKAN, Ob-Ewan McNobi/Been-There, Yoga, Marcus Streetwalker, Princess Lee Smits of All-Drained, Hands Off, Admiral Piett, Chunkalunk, See-Stinky-O, R2-D2

Genre:Fantasy/Humor

Length: An entire Star Wars Shooting Scripts' worth of material.

Timeline: Same as TESB

Summary: Driven from their Rebel base on the Ice World of Hot, and fleeing from the Empire, Hands and Lee go to Clod City on Aspirin; meanwhile Marcus trains to be a Jedi under the Jedi Grand Master Yoga on Dayglobah.

Notes: This is a closed thread, meaning only I am allowed to post parts of the story, but anyone is welcome to comment.

A long time ago-

CELINE DION:

There were nights when the wind was so cold

That my body froze in bed

If I just listened to it right outside the window

There were days when the sun was so cruel

That all the tears turned to dust

And I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left

And I can't remember where or when or how

And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this

And you hold me like that

I just have to admit

That it's all coming back to me

When I touch you like this

And I hold you like that

It's so hard to believe but

It's all coming back to me

It's all coming back

It's all coming back to me now

There were moments of gold

And there were flashes of light

There were things I'd never do again

But then they'd always seemed right.

There were nights of endless pleasure.

They were stronger than two lovers could love....

....in a galaxy far, far away-

BEASTLY BOYZ:

Intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic

Intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic

Intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic

Intergalactic, planetary, planetary, intergalactic

Another dimension, another dimension

Another dimension, another dimension

Another dimension, another dimension

Another dimension, another dimension

Another dimension, another dimension

Another dimension

Well, now, don't you tell me to smile

You stick around I'll make it worth your while

My number's beyond what you can dial

Maybe it's because we're so versatile

Style, profile, I said

It always brings me back when I hear, "ooh, child!"

From The Hudson River out to the Nile

I run the marathon to the very last mile

Well, if you battle me I feel reviled....

SC 01 EXT SPACE

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for a TOILET ROLL, which unrolls into infinity....

THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

EPISODE V:
THE UMPIRE STRIKES OUT!

It is a dark time for the Rebellion.
No, their lights are still working,
I was just talking metaphorically.
Although the Deadly Star has been
destroyed, the Empire hasn't
surrendered. In fact, that just seemed
to piss it off even more. Go figure.

Imperial troops have driven the
Rebels from their not-so-hidden-
anymore base in the Yahoo! system. A
group of freedom fighters led by Marcus
Streetwalker-- that is, a group of
freedom fighters, including the heroic-
no, that's not it. A group of freedom
fighters, along with a whiny little
git named Marcus Streetwalker, has
established a new secret base on the
remote world of Hot.

The semi-evil lord Darth Vacuous,
obsessed with finding young Streetwalker,
has dispatched thousands of probes to
the far reaches of space. When he ran
out of those, he had to resort to
cheaper methods . . .

An Imperious cruiser glides through space, releasing several pods. One of these pods heads towards the planet Hot.

SC 02 EXT. HOT - METEORITE CRATER - SNOW PLAIN - DAY

A low groaning sound rises above the whining of the wind. A battered stomptrooper climbs out of the crater and looks around.

STOMP: Man, this job sucks. They never mentioned this in the recruitment pamphlet.

He turns back to the pit and whistles. A team of dogs, pulling a sled behind them, comes out. Sighing, the stomptrooper gets on.

SC 03 EXT. PLAINS OF HOT - DAY

A small figure gallops across the windswept ice slope. The bundled rider is mounted on a two-legged snow lizard, a bonbon. The rider gallops up a slode and reins his lizard to a stop. He pulls off his goggles, revealing Marcus Streetwalker.

Marcus squints at the dark smoke rising from the crater. He brushes snow off his commlink and activates it.

MARCUS: Echo Three to Echo Seven. Hands, old buddy, do you read me?

HANDS: (over commlink) Don't give me that 'old buddy' crap. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be out here freezing my b u t t off.

MARCUS: Look, I said I was sorry. I didn't think RIKKAN was gonna stick us with patrol duty.

HANDS: You should have kept your big mouth shut.

MARCUS: It was a joke! How was I supposed to know his mother really was a Hutt?

HANDS: That's it, you can finish patrol yourself. I'm heading back to base. If you want me, I'll be in the hot tub.

MARCUS: I'll see you shortly, there's a meteorite that hit the ground near- wait a minute, the base has a hot tub?

There is no answer. Marcus' bonbon rears suddenly, nearly throwing him off.

MARCUS: What is it, girl? You smell something?

Something brushes against his leg, startling Marcus. He looks down to see a white-furred creature, a wumpah ice creature. It looks at him with puppy-dog eyes and nuzzles his leg.

MARCUS: Well, hey, you're a cutie.

He scratches the wumpah behind the ears, making it purr. Marcus' bonbon rears again, obviously terrified.

MARCUS: What's wrong with you? It's perfectly harmless.

Marcus freezes as he hears a low growl behind him. Turning, he sees a very angry eleven-foot-tall ice wumpah standing in front of her cub.

MARCUS: Uh... nice wumpah?

Whack

Marcus falls to the ground, unconscious. The bonbon's terrified screams are cut short by the horrible sound of a neck being broken. The wumpah grabs one of Marcus' ankles and begins dragging him across the plain. Her cub follows, playfully batting at Marcus' shoelaces.

SC 04 EXT. HOT - REBEL BASE ENTRANCE - DAY

Hands rides up to the entrance on his bonbon. It is a giant ice cave with massive steel doors flanking it.

INT. REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

A makeshift command center has been set up in a blasted area of thick ice. Controllers, troopers, and droids are holding umbrellas over the equipment, trying to keep them dry. GENERAL RIKKAN looks up from a console at Hands' approach and frowns.

RIKKAN: What do you want?

HANDS: No sign of life, general. Sensors are in place, you'll know if anything comes around.

RIKKAN: (growling) What about Streetwalker?

HANDS: He's still out, sir.

RIKKAN: (mumbling) Good. Little punk.

HANDS: General, I got to leave. I can't stay anymore.

RIKKAN throws a curious glance at Lee, who is standing near a console. She is looking sharply at Hands. Hands is shuffling his feet and trying not to look in her direction.

RIKKAN: Are you... really sure you want to try that?

HANDS: Yeah, there's a price on my head, and-

RIKKAN: There's a price on your head?

HANDS: Yeah.

RIKKAN: Really? How much?

Hands looks up suspiciously at RIKKAN.

HANDS: Why?

RIKKAN: Uh... no reason. Well, you want to try to leave, be my guest.

Hands starts to rush out of the command room, but stops at the entrance. Unable to resist, he glances up at Lee. She is glaring daggers at him.

HANDS: Uh... bye!

He bolts out of the room.

LEE: Hands!

She runs after him.

INT. REBEL BASE - ICE CORRIDOR

Hands is running down the hall as fast as he can.

LEE: HANDS!

Hands stops dead in his tracks. Cringing, he turns around.

HANDS: Yes?

LEE: I thought you had decided to stay.

HANDS: I decided? Don't you mean you decided?

LEE: I decided? I don't know what you're talking about.

HANDS: What?! Everytime I try to leave, you threaten to beat the crap out of me!

LEE: And what makes you think this time is any different?

Hands ducks behind a crate.

HANDS: Look, why don't you let me go? I'm not helping here.

LEE: No, you're a great help to us. You're a natural leader.

Hands stares at her. Lee begins to shift uncomfortably.

LEE: You are!

HANDS: Wait a minute... (he gasps) You've got a crush on me!

LEE: I do not!

HANDS: Then why are you following me?

LEE: Because... because...

HANDS: I knew it! (he dashes down the corridor, singing) Lee loves me! Lee loves me!

LEE: Damn!

She slams her fist into the wall. The wall shudders before a huge mound of snow falls on top of Lee.

SC 05 INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR DECK

Rebel troops rush about unloading supplies and otherwise securing their new base. There is water dripping everywhere, due to the melting ceiling.

Hands dismounts his bonbon and walks towards the Millenium Fountain, which is parked among several fighters. His Cookie copilot, Chunky, is working on the ship.

HANDS: Chunky! Hey, Chunky!

Chunky stops his work and growls at Hands.

HANDS: What's your problem? Look, I got frostbite in places I'd rather not talk about. You just get that ship ready. We're leaving.

Chunky laughs and growls a comment under his breath.

HANDS: I mean it this time! You'll see, we'll be out of here by morning.

Chunky shakes his head as Hands walks off.

INT. REBEL BASE - ANOTHER ICE CORRIDOR

Artoo Detour is rolling down the corridor with See-Stinky-O walking beside him.

STINKY-O: I can't believe you turned on the thermal heater in the Princess's room. What were you thinking?

Artoo beeps a response.

STINKY-O: No, it wasn't funny! We're going to get in trouble! How we're going to dry out all her clothes, I really don't know.

Artoo beeps a rude response.

STINKY-O: I don't care what she called you, you didn't have to do that! And if I might add something, I should point out that humans are not flexible enough to do what you're suggesting.

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR DECK

Hands and Chunky are working on the Fountain as the two droids walk up.

HANDS: Come on, we need to get this ship back together! Do you want to leave or not?

Chunky growls.

STINKY-O: Excuse me, sir.

HANDS: (to Chunky) Look, we can fix the radio later. Put the engine back in now.

STINKY-O: Sir?

HANDS: What do you want?

STINKY-O: Well, it's Princess Lee. She's been tying to reach you.

Hands looks around nervously.

HANDS: She's not here, is she?

STINKY-O: No, sir. She's wondering about Master Marcus. He hasn't come back yet.

HANDS: Tell someone who cares.

STINKY-O: But sir, she was quite insistant that we-

A piercing shriek fills the cavern, rumbling the walls and filling every man's heart with dread.

HANDS: What the hell was that?

Artoo beeps something.

STINKY-O: Oh, dear. She found the clothes.

HANDS: What clothes?

A door at the far end of the hangar bursts open. The Rebels in the area take one look and run away in fear. Lee is standing there quivering, a soaken designer dress clenched in one fist and a pair of Italian shoes in the other.

LEE: WHO DID THIS?!?

Her eyes fall on Hands.

LEE: You.

HANDS: No! I was... I was... going to find Marcus! Really!

Lee slowly begins stalking forward. Hands pales, then runs for the nearest bonbon. He leaps on and spurs it towards the exit.

LEE: Get back here, you *******! Your bonbon'll freeze before you reach the first marker!

HANDS: Then I'll see you in hell! At least it's warm there!

Cut to Hands, riding in the snow. He suddenly dismounts, approcahes community of Eskimos and Penguins

Hands: You seen this man?

Eskimo: Fish! You buy fish?

Hands: No, I want to know if you've seen this man. Take a look at the picture...

Eskimo: Fish! I sell, you buy, okey day?

Hands: Didn't you hear me? I don't have time for fish! Ooh, is that Ice Cream?

Several hours later

Hands appears from an igloo, suffed and walking towards his lizard. He gets on it, only to see its died of exposure. Swearing incessantly, he resumes his search for Marcus, dragging the lizard along behind him.

SC 08 INT-WUMPAH CAVERN-DUSK-
(The Wumpah sits, growling and eating parts of Streetwalker's Bonbon. Streetwalker hanks from the ceiling. Suddenly, the soundtrack roars to life, and Streetwalker awakens. He realizes that he's in an enclosed area with the apex predator and starts to reach for his brightsaber, which has fallen out of his jeans pocket and is about 2 inches away from his fingers. He tries this for about 30 seconds and realizes that it isn't working. Suddenly, the Wumpah starts walking towards him, and he abruptly falls from the ceiling (Plot device) and grabs his saber. He stabs the advancing Wumpah in the eye, then cuts its arms off.

WUMPAH (subtitled):You hit me! You hit me right in the eye!

(For some reason, Streetwalker decides to go outside where the mother of all snowstorms is taking place, rather than finishing the Wumpah off and staying inside where it is semi-warm... Ahh, yes. Idiot. So anyway, he crawls outside and falls over in the snow.

The cave collapses, sending a blast of snow and ice shooting out of the cave mouth across the plains. When all the snow settles, all we see are two legs sticking up out of a drift, kicking wildly. Eventually, Marcus is able to pull himself out.

MARCUS: Oh, man, it's freezing out here! Good think I have my survival kit.

He pulls a heavy case from his back and opens it.

MARCUS: What the hell!?! It's full of sand!

He starts digging frantically through the sand. His fingers find something, and he yanks it out of the case triumphantly. It is a piece of paper with the word "GOTCHA!" on it.

MARCUS: ****! He seems to have lost all his energy.
A glowing figure appears in front of him.)

GHOST: Marc... Marc...

MARCUS: Been?

GHOST: Marc... There's always... a bigger fish...

Whack

OB-EWAN McNOBI: Li-Gon, this is my movie. Go away. Go on, I don't want your stunted slime in my sight again.

LI-GON: Don't talk like that to your Master, boy...

(A whacking fight ensues, with Li-Gon disappearing at the end.)

OB-EWAN: Good riddance. Where was I... Oh yes. (Clears throat) You will go to the Dayglobah system... There you will learn from Yoga, the Jedi Master who instructed me.

MARCUS: I thought Li-Gon was your master...

Whack

OB-EWAN: Uhhh... Credits will do fine.

MARCUS: Huh?

OB-EWAN: Credits will do fine.

MARCUS: What?

Whack

Ob-Ewan disappears, leaving the unconscious form of Marcus in the snow.

IRVIN KERSHNER: CUT! Let's try that again, people!

SC EXT. HOT - SNOW DRIFT - DUSK-TAKE 2

Hey, wait a minute. It was night back at the hangar. Now all of a sudden it's dusk again? What the hell's going on?

SC EXT. HOT - SNOWDRIFT - NIGHT-TAKE 3

That's better.

The jagged face of a huge ice wall sits gloomily in the dim twilight of a Hot day. Marcus hangs upside down, ankles frozen into stalagtites. Or is it stalagmites? Damn, I can never remember which it is. Anyway, his feet are encased in solid ice. Don't ask me how.

A snarling sound draws his attention further into the cave, where the ferocious wumpah is tearing apart a carcass faster than Sally Struthers attacks the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner. The cub is nearby, batting something across the ice and chasing it. When it notices Marcus is awake, it grabs its new toy and trots over, tail wagging.

MARCUS: No, shoo. No, I can't play right now. Look, I-

He stops talking as the cub drops the object in its mouth. It is his lightsabre.

MARCUS: What the-? (he looks at the cub and smiles) Good boy! You wanna play? Huh? Wanna play?

The cub, hearing the cheerful tone in Marcus' voice, grabs the lightsabre and brings it over, tail wagging furiously.

MARCUS: That's it! Good boy! Now come on, give me the sabre. Come on. Gimme your toy. That's right. Come on, gimme the toy.

The cub gets close enough for Marcus to reach out and grab one end of the lightsabre. The cub takes this as an invitation to play a game of tug of war.

MARCUS: No! Bad wumpah! Drop your toy. Come on, drop it. Drop it!

The mother ice wumpah, hearing the noise, looks over at Marcus. Seeing him messing with her kid, she growls and begins walking towards him.

MARCUS: Please! Come on, drop it!

The cub's grip loosens for a split second, and Marcus is able to yank the sabre out. Igniting it, he cuts through the ice above him, freeing his feet. He falls to the ground in a heap, only to jump up and start running around in a panic when he realizes his boots are on fire. The cub chases after him, nipping at his ankles and yipping joyfully.

MARCUS: Hot! Hot! Ho- ow! Stop biting me!

As he dances around, his lightsabre (which is still ignited) accidently cuts through one of the stalag- uh, one of the ice columns holding the cave up. There is a sharp crack and the entire cave groans.

MARCUS: Uh-oh.

Marcus trudges through the blasting snow. He trips and falls facefirst onto the ground. Lacking the energy to pick himself up, he lies there.

Marcus lies facedown in the snow, nearly unconscious.

The sound of dogs barking rise above the sound of the wind. The stomptrooper rides by on his huskie sled.

STOMP: (teeth chattering) Must... find Rebels... before armor... freezes to skin...

One of the dogs starts sniffing Marcus.

STOMP: Bloody dog, stop sniffing that poor man! We need to get going, the Rebels could be anywhere...

He rides off, still grumbling.
Streetwalker is left in the snow, alone again.

Yeah, and how that stortrooper finally finds the Rebel base. A saga in and of itself!

He's just riding along, then BONK! Hey, where's this metallic obstruction resembling a Shield Generator come from? Stupid Natrual outcroppings... hey, look! footprints in the snow!

REBEL activity!

VOICE: Marcus... Marcus...

MARCUS: Been?

VOICE: There's always a bigger fish, Marcus.

Whack

BEEN: Get the hell out of here, Li-Gon! This is my movie! You didn't even disappear when you died!

LI-GON: Don't speak to your master like that!

BEEN: You're not my master anymore, Li-Gon! Why do you keep bugging me?

LI-GON: I must do what I think is right, of course.

Whack

BEEN: And get some new lines!

Li-Gon glares at Been, rubbing his cheek, and reluctantly fades away. Been coughes and resumes a stern demeanor.

BEEN: You will go to the Dayglobah system. There you will learn from Yoga, the Jedi master who instructed me.

MARCUS: But... didn't you just say that other guy was your master?

BEEN: Uh... er, (waves his hand) credits will do fine.

MARCUS: What?

BEEN: (waves his hand again) These aren't the droids you're looking for.

MARCUS: Huh?

Whack

Been fades away, revealing Hands, grunting as he drags his bonbon across the desolate snow plain.

HANDS: Stupid, good-for-nothing snow lizard. Don't know why I- oof!

The last is said as he trips over Marcus.

HANDS: Hey, buddy, what's the big idea- Marcus! I'll be damned, I actually found you!

MARCUS: (mumbling) Been... Been...

HANDS: Hang on, kid, I gotta get you warm.

MARCUS: Credits... do fine... not looking... these droids...

HANDS: Hey, a brightsabre! I always wanted to play with one of these! (he ignites the sabre and starts swinging it around) Brzzz! Wrvvzzap!

One of his swings slices open the bonbon's belly.

HANDS: Oops. Hey, wait a minute, there's something in there. (he reaches in and pulls out a boot) What the-? What the hell do they feed these things?

He reaches back in and pulls out a mangled umbrella, somebody's wallet, a deflated inner tube, a bottle of SPF-15, and a child's sand bucket.

HANDS: What? There isn't a beach for light-years!

He looks down at the items, and suddenly he face lights up as he looks at the bucket.

HANDS: Wait a minute...

EXT. HOT - OUTSIDE ICE HANGAR - DUSK

Artoo is standing in the falling snow, beeping softly. He has a small sensor dish extended that is rotating back and forth. Stinky-O walks stiffly over to him.

STINKY-O: You must come along now, Artoo. There's nothing more we can do.

Artoo beeps a thoughtful response.

STINKY-O: Don't say things like that! Of course we'll see Master Marcus again. And he'll be quite all right.

Artoo makes an electronic snort.

STINKY-O: What do you mean, at least he's got plenty of sand? What are you talking about?

Artoo whistles nonchalantly and begins to roll off.

STINKY-O: Come back here, you stupid little short-circuit!

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR DECK - ENTRANCE - NIGHT

A Rebel lieutenant moves to Major Darling, an officer on watch.

REBEL: Sir, all patrols are in. Still on contact from Streetwalker or Solo.

DARLING: Sweet. Another five minutes and we can close the door.

Princess Lee is pacing angrily between two crates. Stinky-O approaches with Artoo.

STINKY-O: Mistress Lee, Artoo says he is unable to pick up any life signals, although he does admit his range is far too weak to break out the champagne just yet.

Major Darling walks up.

DARLING: All right, we've waited two hours, so it's fair to assume they're dead. I think we can close the doors now without legal repurcussions.

LEE: Do it.

The doors slowly begin to close.

LEE: What do you suppose the chances are that they're still alive?

DARLING: Well, a couple of the boys have got a pool going. Right now they're giving 725 to 1 against.

The doors close with an echoing boom that reverberates through the cavern. Chunky howls pitifully and runs over to the door, scratching and whining.

LEE: Damn! Why does he always have to go out right after we close the doors?

Last edited by study3600 (1/09/2024 12:17 pm)

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:54 pm

EXT. HOT - SNOWDRIFT - DAWN

Snub-nosed snowspeeders speed across the scintillating, sparkling snow. (say that five times fast)

ZEN: All right, boys, fan out. Remember, each corpse is worth a hundred credits. Five hundred if you find them both.

HOBBY: What do we get if they're alive?

There is a brief pause, then all the pilots burst into laughter.

HOBBY: I almost had you guys, didn't I?

ZEN: 'What if they're alive?' Man, that's a good one. (his console beeps) Holy ****.

DECK: What?

ZEN: You're not gonna believe this. I'm picking up something. Not much, but it could be a lifeform.

HOBBY: Okay, nobody panic. Even if one of them survived, there's no way they both did.

ZEN: Right. They'd have to have some sort of shelter-- oh, man. I don't believe this.

As the snowspeeders fly over the plains, they approach a shelter built in the middle of nowhere. It's a giant sand castle. The radio crackles with an incoming transmission.

HANDS: Morning. About time you lazy b*stards showed up.

ZEN: ****. Echo station, this is Rogue Two. I got some good news and some bad news.

HANDS: And get a medical team down here, Marcus is still alive.

ZEN: Cancel that, Echo station. There's no good news.

INT. REBEL BASE - MEDICAL CENTER

Robot surgeons attend a mass of electronic equipment. Marcus is submerged in a bacta tank, thrashing about in delirium. Hands is talking to one of the medical droids.

HANDS: So you think he's going to be all right?

DROID: Yes, sir. He is recovering nicely- wait a minute. The oxygen level in his bloodstream is dropping rapidly. It's almost as if... hey! What do you think you're doing?! Get away from those knobs!!

Hands looks over to see Artoo messing with Marcus' oxygen supply. Artoo squeals and runs away.

INT. REBEL BASE - MEDICAL CENTER - RECOVERY ROOM

Marcus lies in a bed, weak but smiling. His face shows terrible wounds from the wumpah's attack.

STINKY-O: Master Marcus, it's so good to see you fully functioning again.

ARTOO: Fweep fizzle deedle doo. (translation: You win this round, Streetwalker. But your flunkies can't protect you forever.)

MARCUS: What'd he say?

STINKY-O: Er... that it's... uh... good to see you... functioning again.

Hands and Chunky walk in.

HANDS: Hey, you're looking better. In fact, you look strong enough to pull the ears off a gundark.

MARCUS: What the hell's a gundark?

HANDS: You know, one of those things. The ones that have ears that are really hard to pull off.

MARCUS: You made that up, didn't you?

HANDS: Did not! And remember, that's two you owe me now.

MARCUS: Fine.

Whack

Whack

MARCUS: There. All paid up.

HANDS: Ow!

The door opens, and Princess Lee enters. Hands ducks behind a crate.

LEE: Oh, calm down. I'm just here to see how Marcus is doing.

HANDS: Really? Sure you just don't miss me? (a flying object nails him right between the eyes) OW!

LEE: I never miss. Especially not you.

Chunky starts rolling around on the floor laughing hystericaly.

HANDS: (trying to stop his nosebleed) Laugh it up, fuzzball. But you didn't see us in the south passage. She expressed her true feelings for me. (another flying object between the eyes) OW! Stop doing that!

LEE: Well I guess you don't know everything about women yet.

She leans down and kisses Marcus full on the lips. A few audience members who haven't seen ROTJ start cheering and are immediately beaten up by the other audience members and sold into slavery. Several seconds pass and Marcus and Lee are still locked in a passionate kiss.

A Ronto from Patootie passes in front of the kissers, blocking the action from the audience and the GHOST of BEEN THERE McNOBI appears to MARCUS, giving him a stern look.

BEEN: (v.o.) Hey Marcus.

MARCUS: (v.o.) Been?

BEEN: (v.o.) No, Ghandi. Who else talks to you like this?

MARCUS: (v.o.) I'm a little occupied right now. Couldn't this wait?

BEEN: (v.o.) No! Look, you gotta stop wasting your time here and get your end over to Dayglobah!

MARCUS: (v.o.) Look, old man, do me a favor and get lost. You're just jealous because you're dead and I'm getting some. I got an All-Drained girlfriend now, and in case you haven't noticed, that's a pretty rare commodity. What do you think about that?

Pause.

MARCUS: (v.o.) That shut him up.

Pause.

BEEN: (v.o.) Hey numbskull.

MARCUS: (v.o.) What now?

BEEN: (v.o.) You realize you're frenching your sister?

MARCUS: (v.o.) Whatever.

BEEN: (v.o.) I'm serious.

Whack

BEEN: (v.o.) Ow!

LI-GON: (v.o.) You're not supposed to tell him that! Even I know that! And you! Stop kissing her, for god's sake!

Whack

Marcus snaps out of the kiss. Hands and Chunky and staring with their mouths open. Lee clears her throat, straightens, and walks out the door.

HANDS: I know I should feel jealous... yet for some reason I just feel really, really, sick.

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

RIKKAN looks up grimly from a console screen. He calls over Lee and Hands.

RIKKAN: Princess . . . we have a visitor.

LEE: If it's about my credit card bill, I'm not here.

RIKKAN: No, I mean we have a different kind of visitor. Here, listen.

A controller turns up to volume, and a garbled transmission is played over the loudspeakers. It sounds like a lot of dogs are barking in the background.

STOMPTROOPER: (faintly) Hello, can you hear me? This is stomptrooper THX-1138-3263827 with an urgent message for Imperious command. Message is as follows: I'M COLD! I'M REALLY, REALLY, COLD! GET ME OFF THIS GODFORSAKEN PLANET! End message.

STINKY-O: Sir, I am fluent in over six million forms of communication. It could be an Imperial code.

Everyone stares at Stinky-O.

HANDS: You didn't understand that? What kind of interpreter are you?

STINKY-O: Well, I... uh... (hopefully) I speak Ewok.

Whack

HANDS: Like that'll ever come in handy. Come on, Chunky, let's go kill whatever it is out there.

EXT. HOT - SNOW PLAINS - DAY

The stomptrooper is shaking so hard his armor is clattering. Hands cautiously pokes his head over a ridge, and the trooper spots him.

STOMP: Oh, thank god! Please help me! I surrender, unconditionally!

Chunky sticks his head up over the ridge behind the stomptrooper and chucks a bottle of steak sauce at him. The stomptrooper looks at the sauce dripping down his chest, and then at the drooling dog team.

STOMP: Uh-oh.

The dogs pounce on him. Suddenly, the stomptrooper blows up. Didn't see that one coming, did you?

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

Lee and RIKKAN listen intently to the commlink.

HANDS: (over comm) 'Fraid there's not much left of it.

LEE: What was it?

HANDS: Stomptrooper with a dog team. I didn't hit it that hard, the guy writing this must have a really sick mind.

LEE: It's a good bet the Umpire knows we're here.

RIKKAN: Why?

LEE: Because we have to have a plot.

EXT. SPACE - IMPERIOUS FLEET

Five Imperious Star Whackers sit in the vastness of space, dozens of smaller BOWTIE fighters darting about them. The Imperial March blares from the speakers. With a flourish of trumpets, the camera pans down to reveal... nothing.

GL: I said pan up!

CAMERAMAN: Sorry.

The camera quickly pans up to reveal Darth Vacuous' Super-Sized Star Whacker. (for only an extra 59 credits) The trumpets belatedly hit the high note again.

INT. DARTH VACUOUS' SUPER-SIZED STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE - MAIN CONTROL DECK - SECTION A - ROW 15 - SEAT 5J

Darth Vacuous, Lord of the Sith, surveys his fleet from the bridge. Taped to his back, faded and torn, is the KICK ME sign.

Captain Piett hurries up to the squat, evil-looking-yet-handsome-in-a-rugged-sort-of-way Admiral Nozzle.

PIETT: Admiral Nozzle.

NOZZLE: Really? What a coincidence, that's my name, too!

PIETT: Uh... no, Admiral, it's me. Captain Piett?

NOZZLE: Ah, yes. John, isn't it? What's up, old chap?

PIETT: I think we may have something, sir. The report is only a fragment from a stomptrooper in the Hot system, but it's the best lead we've had.

NOZZLE: Stomptrooper? I thought we were using probe droids. Why am I always the last one to find things out around here, Ted?

PIETT: Well, we ran out of them, sir.

NOZZLE: Ran out of what?

PIETT: Probe droids.

NOZZLE: Well then send out some stomptroopers. Come on, Steve, do I have to think of everything around here?

Darth Vacuous comes up behind them.

VACUOUS: You have something?

NOZZLE: I do? (pats his pockets in confusion) Okay, I need a hint. Is it bigger or smaller than a bread box?

Piett rolls his eyes and shows Vacuous the footage of the stomptrooper b****ing.

VACUOUS: So?

PIETT: Well, that's it.

VACUOUS: Where's the proof?

PIETT: (starting to sweat) Well, I, uh-

NOZZLE: That's it! That's the system!

Vacuous and Piett look curiously at him.

VACUOUS: Are you sure?

NOZZLE: Sure as I am of anything, Bill. That's the system. And I'm sure Streetwalker is with them.

Vacuous rolls his eyes behind his mask. Piett throws him a 'come on, just humor the old fart' look.

PIETT: (gently) Admiral, there are so many uncharted systems. It could be smugglers, it could be...

NOZZLE: Smugglers, you say? I had an uncle who was a smuggler. At least, we thought he was a smuggler. Always talking about spice. Of course, he claimed he was a chef. Had to turn him in. Terrible story, Tom, just terrible. What were we talking about again?

Captain Piett pauses in the act of lifting a hip flask to his lips.

PIETT: Rebels, sir.

NOZZLE: Ah, yes, Rebels. They're in a hot system. Unless... that's what they want us to think! Eureka, that's it! Matt, what's the coldest system around here?

PIETT: The Hot system, sir.

NOZZLE: Really? Strange weather in this part of the galaxy. Must be El Nino. That settles it, Ken. We're going to the Hot system. After all, we have to have a plot.

Vacuous has been raising his hand for the famous choke-move thingy, but he stops at the Admiral's last words.

VACUOUS: I'll be damned. I think he's on to something. Set your course for the Hot system!

INT. HOT - REBEL SCUM BASE- TRANSPORT BAY

THE REBEL SCUM CAPTAIN ISSUES INSTRUCTIONS TO TWO OF HIS LACKEYS AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE MAIN TRANSPORT COMPLEX

REBEL SCUM CAPT. : I don't know what you kids have heard...but rest assured, when the S*** goes down... I aint gonna be nowhere around..you hear what I'm sayin ?

LACKEY ONE: Man you aint got to tell me twice, homeboy...you know I got my S*** together. My starfighter fueled up and ready to go. I cant believe that broad, Lee wants us to fight off a whole imperious fleet..is that B**ch crazy ?

LACKEY TWO : Kiddo, why do you even care ? If that girl wants to go down with the sinking base..thats on her. The imperious forces is gonna come down on us like hard rain..destroy everything in its path..kill all men, woman and children.. Rape all farm animals that we have stationed here.. Violate our protocol droids in a sacrilegious and filthy manner.... and do you know where I'm gonna be when all this is happening ?

LACKEY ONE : Where you gonna be at, you Lackey ?

LACKEY TWO ( while he snickering ) : I'm gonna be resting comfortably at home... and just in time for Corn Flakes !

INT. HOT - REBEL SCUM BASE - MAIN HANGER DECK

ALARMS SOUND. TROOPS, GROUND CREWS, CIRCUS PERFORMERS, WHITE HOUSE SENATORS AND DROIDS RUSH TO THEIR ALERT STATIONS. IN THE MIST OF THIS TENSION FILLED ACTIVITY, HANDS DOES SOME FRANTIC WELDING ON THE LIFTERS OF THE MILLENNIUM BUG. HANDS FINISHES HIS WORK AND SPEAKS TO HIS CO-PILOT...

HANDS ( into his comlink ) : Okay, thats it.... try it....

THE SIGHT OF SMALL EXPLOSIONS ROCK THE AREA WHERE HANDS IT AT..

HANDS : Oh, Sh**, Turn it off ! Chunky ! Turn it off.... I'm on fire ! Oh god help me somebody...

AN OFFICER GOES TO GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND RUSHES TO PUT OUT THE FIRE.. HE SHOOTS THE FOAM AT HANDS BUT MISSES HIM COMPLETELY..
MEANWHILE..HANDS IS STILL BURNING. HE STUMBLES AND FALLS OFF THE SHIP...

OFFICER : Damn... I think I need to get some glasses

THE OFFICER RUSHES TO THE AREA WHERE HANDS IS AND FINALLY SPRAYS HIM WITH THE FOAM, PUTTING OUT THE FIRE....HANDS IS LAYING STILL ON THE GROUND....

HANDS ( Struggling to speak coherently ) : Will somebody...please get me some help...I seem to be in quite a lot of ..pain !

OFFICER : Sir , are you okay ?

HANDS : My entire body...is burnt..beyond recognition...with smoke coming out of my skin...what the **** do you think, huh ? Do you think I'm okay...

THE OFFICER PAUSES FOR A LONG MOMENT..

HANDS ( Struggling to move, but still wincing in pain ) : Answer..me, you retarded bas***d. Do you think I'm okay ?

THE OFFICER MOTIONS LIKE HE GONNA ANSWER BUT HE REMAINS STILL...

HANDS : Never mind...just please go..and get help in the medical center.. Oh, God..The personal problem....its..its returning...

OFFICER : I think I better go and get you some help sir......

HANDS ( Still mumbling while hes feeling himself ) : Oh, God... The personal problem....

INT. REBEL SCUM BASE - MEDICAL CENTER

MARCUS DRESSES IN READINESS FOR THE EVACUATION AS HIS ATTENDING MEDICAL DROID STANDS BY...

MEDICAL DROID ( with the voice of Star Trek's Seven of Nine ): Sir, you must understand...it will take a while to evacuate the T-forty sevens...I find this course of action to be highly irregular.

MARCUS : Well, forget the heavy equipment... there's plenty of time to get the smaller modules on the transport...uhh hey, where is my pack of winstons ? Ahh forget it..gotta cut down anyway..cigarettes will kill me.

MARCUS WALKS TO THE SMALL TABLE AND GRABS A SMALL PACKAGE OF MARIJUANA AND PUTS IT IN HIS FLIGHT JACKET...

MARCUS: Well I'm off to see da wizard..

MEDICAL DROID : Sir..you are going into battle.

MARCUS ( Looking stupid..as usual ): Oh, yeah...I knew that...

MEDICAL DROID : Sir..I wish you luck. May you assimilate the day and tell the imperious forces that resistance..is futile..

MARCUS

INT. VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER - VACUOUS' CHAMBER - MEDITATION CUBICLE

The Dark Lord sits brooding in his meditation chamber. General Leer enters, yet does not have the courage to interrupt Vacuous' meditation. After several seconds, Vacuous still hasn't moved or said anything.

LEERS: (softly) My lord?

A soft snore issues from within the black mask. Leer clears his throat loudly, and Vacuous jumps up.

VACUOUS: Don't touch my stuff!

LEERS: Uh, my lord?

VACUOUS: Huh? Oh, right. (resumes menacing demeanor) What is it, General?

LEER: The fleet has dropped out of hyperspace. Com-scan has detected an energy field protecting an area of the sixth planet of the Hot system. The field is strong enough to deflect any bombardment, but strangely enough, not big metal walking tanks.

VACUOUS: (angrily) The Rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Nozzle came out of lightspeed to close to the system.

LEERS: Well, he said he wanted to make a collect call to an old friend...

VACUOUS: He is as stupid as he is senile. And clumsy. As stupid as he is senile and clumsy. Or is it as senile as he is clumsy and stupid? Oh, he's a frikkin moron. General, prepare the Troopers for a surface attack.

LEERS: Yes, my lord.

He salutes and leaves. Vacuous activates a huge viewscreen showing the bridge of the ship. Admiral Nozzle is standing in front of the viewscreen, with Piett slightly off to the side.

NOZZLE: Ah, Lord Vacuous. The fleet has moved out of lightspeed and we're preparing to-

Vacuous stabs a button on his armrest. A trapdoor opens in the floor right next to Nozzle.

NOZZLE: What the hell?

VACUOUS: Damn! Hey, Piett, a little help here?

PIETT: Yes, my lord.

He shoves Nozzle into the pit.

NOZZLE: Aaagh!

VACUOUS: That's better. Captain Piett?

Piett takes a long stride back from the pit and looks around to make sure no one is standing next to him.

PIETT: Yes, my lord?

VACUOUS: Make ready to send down the Troopers, and deploy the fleet so that nothing gets out of the system. You are in command now, Admiral Piett.

PIETT: Really? Cool! In that case, you're fired.

VACUOUS: What!?

PIETT: Look, I appreciate the promotion, but we can't have you going around killing officers all the time. I'm afraid we have to let you go.

VACUOUS: I meant that you're in command of everyone else. Not me!

PIETT: Oh.

VACUOUS: Hey, I think you dropped something. It's about a foot behind you and a few inches to the left.

PIETT: (looking anxiously at the outline in the floor) No, I didn't drop anything.

VACUOUS: Oh, yes you did.

PIETT: Uh... hey, look at the time! Sorry, gotta go!

He cuts the connection and wipes the sweat off his forehead. He reaches for his hip flask, only to find it empty.

PIETT: Damn.

OFFICER: Sir?

PIETT: Yes?

OFFICER: Well, me and a couple of the other boys have discovered something that really helps you on the job. It's called coffee.

PIETT: Coffee?

OFFICER: Yes, sir. Really keeps you on your toes. I can bring you up a cup, if you want.

PIETT: Hell, yes. One mistake and Vacuous chokes my a**. Get me a cup. No, make it a whole pot. On the double!

OFFICER: Yes, sir!

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR DECK

Lee is addressing a group of assembled pilots.

LEE: The heavy transport ships will leave as soon as they're loaded. Only two fighter escorts per ship. The energy shield can only be opened for a short time, so you'll have to stay very close to your transports.

HOBBY: Two fighters against a Star Whacker?

Lee glares at him.

LEE: For everyone else, yes, but for Flight Lieutenant Smarta** here, it'll be one fighter against a Star Whacker. Anybody else got any questions?

Silence.

LEE: That's better. Now, the snow cannon will fire several shots to make sure that any enemy ships will be out of your flight path. Well, everyone except Mr. Loudmouth over there.

Hobby mumbles something under his breath and kicks some dirt.

DARLING: Okay, everybody to your stations, let's go!

EXT. HOT - ICE PLAIN - SNOW TRENCH - DAY

Rebel troops carry heavy bazooka-type weapons and position them along a snow trench. Officers shout out orders. Off to the side, two old men sit on a porch, watching the Rebel's frantic preparations. One sucks on a corncob pipe, while the other is whittling.

JEB: Looks like there's an invasion a'coming.

ZEKE: Yup.

JEB: You reckon it's the Empire?

ZEKE: Yup.

INT. REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

Princess Lee and GENERAL RIKKAN are standing nervously in front of a display screen.

RIKKAN: Their primary target will be the power generators.

Whack

RIKKAN: Ow!

LEE: Idiot. Prepare to open shields!

EXT. SPACE

A rebel transport and two fighters speed away from the planet.

INT. IMPERIOUS STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

An Imperious controller approaches the ship's captain.

CONTROLLER: Sir, Rebel ships are coming into our sector.

Whack

CONTROLLER: Ow!

CAPTAIN: I'm not blind, you idiot! Now move us in closer.

CONTROLLER: Are you sure, sir?

CAPTAIN: Of course! It's two fighters against a Star Whacker. What could possibly go wrong?

INT. REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

The Star Whacker moves into a giant cross-hairs on the screen.

ONLY OTHER CHICK IN THIS MOVIE BESIDES LEE: Nail his @ss to the wall!

EXT. HOT - SNOW CANNON

Several Rebels aim a huge catapult filled with a giant snowball. At the leader's signal, they fire.

EXT. SPACE

The snowball goes flying past the Rebel transport and hits the Star Whacker, which begins tumbling out of control. The rebels start to cheer, until they notice the even bigger Star Whacker that was hiding behind it.

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR DECK

Pilots, gunners, and troopers run to their stations.

ANNOUNCERS: (over loudspeaker) The first transport is away. The first transport is- no, wait. The first transport is in deep sh!t. The first transport has just been shredded by turbolaser fire. The first transport is no more. It's deceased. It's died and gone to meet its maker. It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. It is an ex-transport.

Marcus runs across the deck, putting on his flight helmet. His gunner, a fresh-faced kid named Deck, is reading a pamphlet titled: "So You're Going to be Flying with Marcus Streetwalker: Six Steps to Prepare Yourself to Meet Your Maker."

MARCUS: Hey, Deck, all ready?

DECK: Yep. Told my wife I loved her, got my will all in order, made sure the life insurance policy has been paid up. Think I'm ready.

MARCUS: You fill out an organ donor card?

DECK: Yep.

MARCUS: Okay, then, let's go!

EXT. HOT - ICE PLAINS - SPORTS DESK

Two men wearing expensive suits sit behind a news desk. They both look at the camera and smile.

HOWIE: Hi, and welcome to the latest installment in the ongoing rivalry between the Imperious Power Troopers and the Rebel Freedom Fighters. It's shaping up to be a great battle here today, isn't it, James?

JAMES: It sure is, Howie. Now, the Troopers have won the coin toss, and they've elected to attack. Hardly a surprise, considering the stellar offense they've had this year. They've been nearly undefeated, losing only one battle to the Endor Fuzzballs.

HOWIE: That's right, I believe their head offensive coordinator was choked to death for that.

JAMES: He sure was, Howie. Should have read the fine print in that contract a little better.

They both laugh.

HOWIE: Okay, let's go to Diane, who's in the Rebel trenches at the moment. Diane?

EXT. HOT - ICE PLAINS - SNOW TRENCH

A woman holding a microphone in one hand is addressing the camera as troopers rush past her in the background.

DIANE: Things are tense down here in the trenches. There's a real air of anticipation. As you know, there is an intense rivalry between these two teams, and the Freedom Fighters are anxious to break the losing streak that's been plaguing them this season. Wait a minute . . .

She holds a hand to her ear.

DIANE: We've just recieved word that Imperious walkers have been spotted on the north ridge. Looks like this battle's about to get under way.

EXT. ICE PLAINS - SPORTS DESK

JAMES: All right, Diane, thank you for that report. We'll be back with the opening shots in just a few moments after this. Stick with us.

ANNOUNCER: (v.o.) This battle brought to you by the Citizens for Palpatine Committee. Remember, a vote for Palpatine is a vote for order. And, by Dr. Pepper; just what the doctor ordered.

IN ANOTHER SEPARATE SCENE.....( ONE MORE LOST SCENE TO PUT BACK IN THE FILM )

INT. REBEL SCUM BASE- CONTROL ROOM

TWO OFFICERS ARE AT THE CONTROL MONITOR, LOOKING AT THE FLASHING LIGHT AND BEEPING SOUND, KNOWING THAT THEIR REBEL SCUM FORCES ARE IN GREAT PERIL. AS WE SEE MANY OTHER OFFICERS AND ASSORTED CREW MEMBERS SCURRY ABOUT, SOUNDS OF THE MONITORS AND OTHER EQUIPMENT IS STILL FLASHING AND BEEPING.

YES THE MONITORS IS STILL FLASHING AND BEEPING UNCONTROLLABLY, I MEAN ITS STILL GOING , AND GOING, AND GOING...WITH ITS LOUD FLASHING AND BEEPING AND BEEPING AND FLASHING AND MORE BEEPING , JESUS...THERES EVEN A COUPLE OF ANNOYING CHIMES IN HERE...

STOP IT , STOP IT !!!!! STOP IT WITH THAT FLASHING, BEEPING ..THE NOISE IS GONNA KILL ME !!!! STOP IT, G**D**** YOUR BLACK COMPUTER HEARTS !!!!!

AHHHHELMM, ARRHELMMM...OKAY, OKAY, I'M BACK TO NORMAL...

ANYWAY..THINGS ARE LOOKING TENSE....

CONTROLLER: sir we need, more support for the snow speeders

CONTROLLER TWO : we cant get jack, because our budget is low enough as it is...if we gonna supply any more ships..we need the approval of General Rikkan...only he can save the day.

CONTROLLER ONE : Then there is no need to worry. I just thankful that our leader and general is brave and fearless...he doesn't know the meaning of the word, cowardice ! I bet you he is commanding the troop as heroically as he always does.

INT. REBEL SCUM BASE - GENERAL RIKKAN'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

INSIDE THE CHAMBERS OF THE WORLD RENOWNED WARRIOR GENERAL, WE FIND OUR COURAGEOUS AND BRAVE HERO IN DEEP THOUGHT ON THE EVENTS THAT HAPPING AT THE MOMENT.......

RIKKAN : ( sobbing and crying uncontrollably ) : Oh, god.... why ? Why, me God? What have I done to...deserve this....I don't want to die a pointless and retarded death. My men...they look up to my leadership ! ( crying and sobbing even louder ) hey, Rikkan, get a grip on yourself, man...you can do it ! Yeah, I know you can...your the general... everybody loves a general....huh, yeah, that was the same thing General Custard probably said when they told him "Over the hills, I think they're friendly Indians..." G*DAMN IT ! WHAT AM I DOING HERE ON THIS DESOLATE PLANET HOT ?! Okay, Rikkan...get a grip buddy...bring it back... bring it back... stay calm....calm....

SUDDENLY A LOUD BEEPING IS HEARD OVER THE COMLINK, SCARING THE GENERAL HALF TO DEATH, HE WALKS OVER AND ACTIVATES THE MONITOR...

CONTROLLER ONE ( voice only ): Sir , the imperious forces are now commencing the attack ?

RIKKAN ( wiping away the tears whats in his eyes and slightly sobbing ) : How...how many are there ?

CONTROLLER ONE: ( voice only ) : More than enough to send us all to hell...without even raising up a sweat....General , what are we gonna do ?!.....General Rikkan ?....hello ?

SUDDENLY GENERAL RIKKAN STARTS TO SOB AND CRY LIKE A LITTLE BIZNITCH.....

RIKKAN : Ensign ! You got to help me ! I don't what to do any more...I need guidance !! I cant make decisions....I'm a General !!!!

CONTROLLER ONE ( voice only ) : Uh...sir..I got another call on line...I'll get back to you later....

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:54 pm

INT. REBEL SCUM BASE- CONTROL ROOM

CONTROLLER TWO : Well.... what did our leader, say ?

CONTROLLER ONE : ( pausing for a long time with his head hung down low ): he said....that don't worry, he has ...everything under control....( New he is thinking to himself): Holy Sh**, we're screwed !!

INT. REBEL SCUM BASE- GENERAL RIKKAN'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

RIKKAN ( trying to stop crying ) : Well..at least my men...have complete confidence and faith in my abilities to lead them into battle....what would the great warrior and tactical officer like...Mr Spock would say in a tense and dangerous moment such as this... " I am in control of my emotions !!!!"
Whats it... " I am in control of my emotions !!!!!!"

THE GENERAL STARTS TO CRY LIKE A LITTLE BIZNITCH ONCE AGAIN....HE FINALLY REALIZES, THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY FOR HIM TO HANDLE THE ENORMOUS PRESSURE WHATS HE FACES AT THIS TIME.......

RIKKAN : ahhh... ***K it !! I'm outta here

HE BEGINS TO START PACKING HIS BRIEFCASE......

RIKKAN

EXT. HOT- ICE PLAIN- SNOW TRENCHES

THE REBEL SCUM TROOPS AIM THEIR WEAPONS AT THE HORIZON AS EXPLOSIONS ERUPT ALL AROUND THEM. BEHIND THE TROOPS, A DOZEN SNOW SPEEDERS RACE THROUGH THE SKY...( YES, FOLKS..THE SUICIDE MISSION IS FULLY ON TH WAY )

A LONE WARRIOR RUNS OUT INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE SNOWY PLAINS WITH A SWORD IN HAND SCREAMING OUT SOMETHING....

TRENCH OFFICER ( looking through his electrobinoculars ) : What the Hell ?! Lt. take a look at this..what do you make of it ?

LIEUTENANT ( looking through his binoculars ): Looks like some long hair idiot, trying to get himself killed..

OUT IN THE SNOWY FIELD, THE LONE WARRIORS CONTINUES TO SCREAM

WILLIAM WALLACE ( Mel Gibson ): FREEDOMMMMMMMM !!!!!!!!!!

SUDDENLY, A LASER BLAST EXPLODES AND COMPLETELY BLOWS WILLIAM WALLACE TO PIECES. ANOTHER MAN COMES OUT INTO THE FIELD WITH VACUUM CLEANER, PICKING UP HIS BRAINS AND OTHER ASSORTED MATTER

DANNY GLOVER : I'm getting too old for this
****!!

MEANWHILE ... THE BATTLE OF HOT GETS ON THE WAY

INT. MARCUS' SNOWSPEEDER, ROGUE LEADER- COCKPIT

MARCUS ( yelling into the comlink ): Echo station five- seven. We're on our way to fight four giant battle machines capable of totally blowing us to hell without a second thought...don't wait up.

EXT. HOT- ICE PLAIN- BATTLEFIELD

THE FLEET OF SNOWSPEEDERS RACES ABOVE THE ICE FILED AT FULL THROTTLE. THEY ACCELERATE AT ATTACK SPEED

INT. MARCUS' SNOWSPEEDER, ROGUE LEADER - COCKPIT

MARCUS ( into the comlink ): All right boys, keep tight now...Do not act like you are an ace pilot like myself. I have the Force on my side, you're just average regular joes chosen to die for your alliance gloriously...are you with me ?!

ALL PILOTS : HELL, YEAH !!!!!!!

DECK : Luke...I mean, Marcus, I have no approach vector. I'm not set

YOGI BEAR : Hey, hey hey eeee, Will there a be another picanic basket for us when we get back to base, oh fearless commander, Marcus ranger, sir ?

MARCUS : For the last time, Yogi, there are no more picnic baskets at the base ! We may not even have a base to come home to, G******TEt ! Attack pattern delta. Go now !

EXT. HOT- ICE PLAIN- BATTLEFIELD

THE CANNONS MOUNTED ON THE WALKER HEAD FIRE AT THE SPEEDERS. OTHER WALKERS LOOM IN THE BACKGROUND

INT. MARCUS' SNOWSPEEDER, ROGUE LEADER- COCKPIT

MARCUS : All right you sons of Biznitches..I'm coming in.

HE TURNS HIS SPEEDER AND HEADS DIRECTLY AT ONE OF THE WALKERS. FLYING TOWARDS ITS TOWERING LEGS.

MARCUS : Hobbes, you still with me ?...hey , Hobbes ?

JAN MICHAEL VINCENT : Don't worry, Marcus..I'm with you ! I'll let these bas***ds have a taste of ?Air Wolf's' superior fire power...

MARCUS : Uhhhhh, I don't think you're in the right film, sir. This is a science Fiction/ fantasy film, and unless George Lucas' crack use has gone over the top, then you don't have a place in this battle.

ERNEST BORGNINE ( Sounding really pissed off ): Now you listen here you little snot nosed punk ! Your place in this battle is to fly your plane and shut the **** up ! Let the professionals handle this mission. We've been on T.V. longer than you can form complete sentences
MARCUS : You make me sick, you old a** tired fogey. Your career is all washed up anyway ! What do you do ? The only thing you do well is being a helpless prisoner in those corny a** Delta Force' movies. I'm a major star on the rise, so don't even think you holding weight over here, sucka, tryin to give me orders, I'm the commander...

YOGI BEAR : Hey, hey, hey eeee, Uhhhhh commander Marcus ranger sir. I think that Mr. Borgnine is doin the very best that he can.....

MARCUS ( Highly pissed off ): Oh, Yogi why don't you shut the **** up !!!!

EXT. HOT- ICE PLAIN- BATTLEFIELD

TWO SPEEDERS RACE DIRECTLY AT THE HEAD OF A WALKER, THEN SPLIT AND FLY PAST IT. THREE OTHER WALKERS MARCH ONWARDS, FIRING ALL CANNONS

WILD BILL HICCUP ( speaking in a heavy hillbilly accent ) : Yeeeehaaaaawwwww !!!!!! These sons of biznitches cant handle a real pilot taking command of the situation. Give me your best shot you lousy cattle rustlers !!!

WYATT EARP : Hey, Wild Bill..

EXT. HOT - ICE PLAIN BATTLEFIELD

MARCUS: Rogue Four.

ROGUE FOUR: Copy, Rogue Leader.

MARCUS: I lost my gunner. You'll have to take this shot. I'll cover for you.

ROGUE FOUR: Wait a minute, you mean I'm your wingman?

MARCUS: Yeah.

A laser blast from an AT-AT incinerates Rogue Four.

MARCUS: man. Rogue Five?

ROGUE FIVE: Oh, crap-

Rogue Five is hit with a direct volley of laserfire and explodes.

MARCUS: DAMMIT! Why does this always happen to me?!

WEDGE: Maybe it would help if you didn't have your stereo blasting Another One Bites the Dust everytime you flew.

MARCUS: Well what would you suggest?

WEDGE: Something that will strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.

MARCUS: The Jawa Sandcrawler Quartet Sings the Best of the Backstreet Bantha Boyz?

WEDGE: Worse.

MARCUS: A Wookiee and a Hutt singing a duet version of Jingle Bell Rock?

WEDGE: Worse.

MARCUS: The latest Cher album?

WEDGE: (sighing) No. Here, this is what I'm talking about.

He pops a cassette into his speeder's stereo and cranks the volume. The Titanic theme song starts playing.

CELINE DION: My heart will go on...

WEDGE: What the hell?!?

JETSON: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I kinda taped over that.

WEDGE: It's supposed to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies, not nausea!

Whack

WEDGE: Ow!

MARCUS: Could we just forget about the music and shoot someone?

JETSON: Fine.

He fires the tow cable. It hits the AT-AT, bounces off, and nails another snow speeder, destroying it.

JETSON: Oops. Let's try that again.

He fires another tow cable. This one misses the AT-AT entirely and goes flying into the trenches, where it impales an entire contingent of Rebel troops.

WEDGE: One more pass.

JETSON: What?! Are you crazy? Screw you, I'm not shooting anyone else.

WEDGE: No, we're not shooting this time. Look behind you.

Jetson looks behind the snow speeder. Dragging behind them are the charred remains of the snowspeeders and a dozen rebel corpses, still attached to the cable.

JETSON: You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, are you?

WEDGE: You got a better plan?

JETSON: Good point. Cable out... let her go!

WEDGE: Detach cable!

JANSON: Cable detached!

INT. IMPERIOUS AT-AT - COCKPIT

The walker shakes with a tremendous thud. The driver looks out the window, only to find it covered with bodies.

STOMPTROOPER: Sir, they're firing Rebels at us!

DRIVER: Very clever of them. We have no choice but to respond in kind. Fire!

The stomptrooper grabs his arm and starts dragging him out of the cockpit.

DRIVER: No, not me, you idiot! The lasers!

INT. REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

Lee looks at GENERAL RIKKAN, only to realize he's not there anymore.

LEE: Hey, did anyone see where RIKKAN went?

AIDE: Uh, I think I saw him heading for the main hangar. He was saying something about leaving a bunch of losers before they all got themselves slaughtered in the Imperial attack, but he wouldn't say who.

LEE: Shoot. Think we can launch two transports at a time?

AIDE: I dunno. Am I going to be on either of them?

LEE: No.

AIDE: Then yeah, I think we can manage it.

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

Hands and Chunky are trying to repair the Millenium Falcon as fast as they can. Muffled explosions reverberate around the hangar, and the ice cracks dangerously, dumping a pile of snow on top of Hands.

Cursing, Hands drags back out the repair manual he was holding and brushes snow off it.

HANDS: (reading) Insert hydro-photon emitter into gamma phase reducer panel and tighten nut in less than twelve parsecs. (he looks at the panel beneath him in confusion) I don't even have a hydro-gamma-whatever!

RIKKAN: Solo! Solo!

Hands looks over the edge. GENERAL RIKKAN is standing there with a duffel bag.

RIKKAN: Hey, Solo, think you could give me a ride outta here?

HANDS: I dunno. Why should I?

RIKKAN: I can pay you two now, plus fifteen when we reach... uh, where ever the hell we're going!

HANDS: Two now? Let me see it.

RIKKAN reaches into his coat pocket.

RIKKAN: Do you take American Express?

HANDS: Yeah, right. Get lost, RIKKAN.

ANNOUNCER: (v.o.) They can take you to the edges of the galaxy, but they won't take American Express. So next time, bring your Visa card, now accepted by more smugglers than any other card.

RIKKAN: Shut the hell up! (pauses) Wait a minute, do you have a ship?

ANNOUNCER: (v.o.) Yes, but those bad manners just cost you your seat. Later, loser.

RIKKAN: Dammit!

In another area of the hangar Stinky-O watches as Artoo is lowered into Marcus' X-Wing.

STINKY-O: You take good care of Master Marcus now, understand? No more trying to kill him!

Artoo beeps tentatively.

STINKY-O: No, no maiming either! I'm serious, I don't want to see a scratch on him!

INT. AT-AT - COCKPIT

General Leer surveys the devastation of the battlefield below him.

LEER: Ready the generators for maximum firepower mode. Make ready to target the main generator.

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:55 pm

EXT. HOT - ICE PLAINS

Marcus looks out his cockpit to see Rogue Two flying in formation with him.

MARCUS: Rogue Two, you all right?

INT. ZEN'S SNOWSPEEDER, ROGUE TWO - COCKPIT

Zen has a bloody nose. How the hell did that happen? Did a trooper somehow board his craft, pop him in the face, and than jump off? Or maybe a laser blast got through his shields, through his canopy, and somehow went directly up his nose with just enough energy left to lightly singe the tissue without burning through to his brain-

Whack

GL: Get on with it!

Fine. Zen looks over at Marcus with a blood from an extremely improbable injury dripping all over his flightsuit.

ZEN: Yeah. I'm with you, Rogue Leader.

MARCUS: We'll set harpoon. I'll cover for you. Watch that crossfire-

A laser blast lightly grazes Zen's craft. The seat cushions spontaneously burst into flames as every panel explodes in a shower of sparks, cooking the two rebels inside.

A major blast from an AT-AT hits Marcus' snowspeeder directly. It bucks slightly, and some smoke drizzles out from under a panel.

MARCUS: Hobbie, I've been . . . uh . . . line!

STAGEHAND: Hit!

MARCUS: Really? Wow, that don't happen much.

Marcus tries to look afraid, but can't manage it, so he hums Broadway showtunes until his snowspeeder finally crashes. Dusting himself off and looking casually at the walker lumbering towards his craft, he slowly gets out and starts walking away.

DECK: Marcus . . . help me . . . I'm still alive, but I'm very badly burned!

MARCUS: What?! My copilot can't survive! It violates the laws of the universe!

CRUNCH

MARCUS: Oh. Guess that takes care of that, then.

DECK: No, wait, I'm still alive! I think my arms might be broken . . .

A flaming snow speeder crashes on top of him.

DECK: Ow! I'm still alive, but I'm in quite a lot of pain!

MARCUS: Don't worry, Deck, I'll get you out of there!

An ice wumpah suddenly appears out of nowhere, grabs Deck, and starts eating him.

DECK: OW! Hey, make him stop!

Marcus whips out his blaster and fires.

DECK: You shot me! You shot me right in the arm! Why did you-

Marcus fires again. This one hits Deck right between the eyes.

MARCUS: Jesus. Guy just wouldn't take a hint.

INT. REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

Laserblasts can be heard thundering above. Hands appears, running. Cracks have appeared in the walls, and the entire room seems to be melting very quickly. A cave-in has buried most of the room, but several devoted Rebels (that is, morons) are still at their posts. Hands runs over to Lee.

HANDS: Are you all right?

LEE: Why are you still here?

HANDS: You've got my keys, remember?

LEE: Oh, right.

She fishes into her pocket and tosses his car- er, ship keys at him.

LEE: You got your keys, now leave.

HANDS: Don't worry, I'll leave. First I'm going to get you to your ship.

LEE: (suspicious) Why?

HANDS: So an unfortunate mishap can force you to leave with me, where we'll be stranded together and our tentative relationship will blossom and we can get it on.

LEE: Well, if it's for a good cause.

A blast rocks the command center, knocking Stinky-O down.

ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Imperial troops have entered the base! Imperial troops have entered the-

TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) You're darn right we have!

ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Aah! Hey, wait a minute, I though the shields were still up!

TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) They are.

ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Then how did you get in here?

TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) Well, I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.

ANNOUNCER: (over loudspeaker) Aren't you going to do that anyway?

TROOPER: (over loudspeaker) TouchÃ©.

HANDS: That's it, we're leaving.

LEE: Give the evacuation code signal. And tuck in your shirt!

HEAD CONTROLLER: K-one-zero . . . all troops disengage. Key the dramatic "We've Just Gotten Our Butts Kicked" John Williams music, and run like hell!

EXT. BATTLEFIELD - SNOW TRENCH

Rebel troops retreat under the (relatively) awesome Imperious attack.

OFFICER: Begin retreat! Fall back! Fall back!

KING ARTHUR: Run away!

Troops flee from the battle as the ground explodes around them.

EXT. HOT - BATTLEFIELD - ICE PLAIN

Marcus is running underneath the belly of one of the giant walkers. He pulls out a harpoon gun (don't ask) and fires it at the walker's underside. A magnetic head and cable attack firmly to the metal hull.

He is pulled up the cable and hangs dangling under the walker. Cutting open a hatch, Marcus takes a grenade from his belt and tosses it in. A second later, a stomptrooper sticks his head out and tosses it back at Marcus.

MARCUS: Oh, sh!t!

BOOM

A soot-covered Marcus picks himself up off the snow. Growling, he ignites his brightsabre. He runs over to the nearest leg and cuts it off at the ankle.

MARCUS: Ha! Take that!

A team of Imperial repair droids swarm down the leg, weld the foot back on, and swarm back up. The AT-AT keeps walking, uninterrupted.

MARCUS: ARGH! Aw, screw it, I'm getting outta here.

INT. IMPERIOUS SNOW WALKER - COCKPIT

Inside the walker, General Leer looks out at the Rebel power generators.

LEER: All right, we're in range! Ready?

The screen splits to show the other four AT-AT drivers.

DRIVERS: Ready!

LEER: Power Troopers, powerup mode!

Heavy metal guitar music starts playing as all five of them reach up in perfect sync to tap a device they're wearing on their wrists. There is a flash of light, and all five of them are wearing stomptrooper armor, each a different color. Leer, now wearing red armor, looks around, using exaggerated hand and head movements that don't quite match what he's saying.

RED TROOPER: Let's bring 'em together!

TROOPERS: Right!

EXT. HOT - BATTLEFIELD

The five AT-AT's begin transforming. Within moments, they have formed a huge droid holding a brightsabre: the Imperious Megazord!

RED TROOPER: Imperious Megazord Sabre: Maximum Firepower!

The Megazord issues a beam of light from its brightsabre that completely destroys the Rebel power generators.

RED TROOPER: (pumping his fist) All right!

All the troopers cheer and pat each other on the back.

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - ICE CORRIDORS

Hands, Lee, and Stinky-O run through a crumbling ice corridor. Hands runs down a side tunnel, dragging Lee by the hand. A moment later he comes back out the tunnel, looks around, and heads down another one. A few moments later, he comes back out.

LEE: Will you just admit that you're lost?

HANDS: I know exactly where I am! I just don't know how to get where we're going.

He walks over to the wall, where an incredibly complex map fills half the corridor, along with a tiny speck labeled "You are here."

HANDS: Okay... if we go back and take the third corridor, then head left down the second side exit, that should put us right in the middle of... the Bronx?! Who the hell wrote this map?

Shaking his head, he pulls out his comlink and turns it on.

HANDS: Transport, this is Solo. Better take off, I can't get to you. I'll get her out on the Fountain.

TRANSPORT: Uh... we took off ten minutes ago, Solo.

HANDS: What?! That's not true... that's impossible!

TRANSPORT: No, it's actually quite possible. We just left.

HANDS: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

TRANSPORT: Geez, Solo, it's not that big a deal. You've got a ship, don't you?

Hands is sobbing, rocking back and forth, and he doesn't seem to hear him.

HANDS: (softly) Been... why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me?

GL: CUT! All right, who messed with the script!?!

Artoo whistles nonchalantly as he rolls away from the table where all the copies of the script are kept.

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - COMMAND CENTER

Imperial troops have entered the base. (hey, where have I heard that before?) As they clear aside rubble, the ominous dark shadow of Darth Vacuous fills the doorway. He pauses, surveying the wreckage about him, before entering, whacking his head on the doorway and knocking himself to the ground. The troopers stifle giggles.

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:56 pm

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - ICE CORRIDOR

Hands and Lee run toward the main hangar, where the Millenium Fountain is docked. Stinky-O lags behind.

STINKY-O: Wait! Wait for me! Wait! Stop!

STINKY-O sees a big door behind which is Wumpuh Ice Creatures marked with a sign that says 'DANGER'. He takes down the danger sign and puts up a sign that says FREE PORNO THEATER, and walks away. Several STORMTROOPERS don sunglasses and hats and enter discreetly. SCREAMS and the sound of LIMBS BEING TORN OFF can be heard inside.

STINKY-O tries to join his friends but the door shuts in his face.

The door opens, and Hands sticks his head out.

HANDS: Why not?

STINKY-O: Um... (he waves his hand) You will let me in.

HANDS: Sorry. Droids can't use the Force.

He slams the door.

STINKY-O: Damn! Hey, wait a minute...

He inspects the wall next to the door. The snow is melting rapidly. Stinky-O pokes it, and the entire wall collapses, revealing the main hangar.

STINKY-O: How typical.

Hands looks back, and waves to Stinky-O. (because hey, you can't win 'em all)

HANDS: Hurry up, Goldenrod, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!

Stinky-O runs up the ramp, which begins to close before shuddering to a halt. Hands comes out swearing and hits it with a hydrospanner until it closes all the way.

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - ICE CORRIDOR

Darth Vacuous strides down the hallways, black cape billowing out behind him. Suddenly a figure darts out of a side corridor and runs right into him.

RIKKAN: Hey, buddy, watch where you're going--

He does a double-take and realizes who he's talking to.

RIKKAN: Um... sorry?

Whack

Darth Vacuous strides past GENERAL RIKKAN's unconscious body.

VACUOUS: Apology accepted, GENERAL RIKKAN.

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

The Millenium Fountain struggles to start up but cannot. What a shock.

INT. MAN HANGAR - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - MAIN HOLD

Lee looks on as Hands and Chunky flip switches and turn knobs.

HANDS: How's this?

LEE: Would it help if I got out and pushed?

HANDS: How about if you got out and left?

Stinky-O hurries up.

STINKY-O: Captain Solo, Captain Solo-

Whack

STINKY-O: But it's really very importa-

Whack

STINKY-O: I'm afraid I must insist that you listen to what I have to sa-

Hands pulls out his blaster.

STINKY-O: It can wait.

INT. MAIN HANGAR - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

They move into the cockpit, where Hands flips some more switches. The lights come on, then die. Hands pulls out his trusty hydrospanner and starts whacking the control panel. It falls off.

HANDS: Aw, nuts. You wouldn't happen to have a bobby pin, would you?

LEE: This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade!

HANDS: This baby's got a few surprises left in her, sweetheart.

The control panel suddenly sparks and bursts into flames.

HANDS: Uh . . . surprise?

INT. HOT - REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

A squad of stomptroopers enters the far side of the hangar. One of them, realizing he should have listened to his commander and gone to the refresher before he put on his snow gear, rushes out looking for the nearest unoccupied corner. The others train their weapons on the Fountain.

A hatch opens on the underside of the pirate ship. A laser gun falls out and lands on the ground.

INT. MAIN HANGAR - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

HANDS: Damn! Knew I should have fixed that. Chunky, get in here! Come on!

Chunky rushes into the cockpit and sits down.

HANDS: Switch over. Let's hope he doesn't have a sore throat.

Hands switches on the PA system and nods to Chunky.

CHUNKY: RRRWWWAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!!

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

The troopers grab their ears in pain, and run from the hangar sobbing like little girls. The trooper who left earlier comes back in, adjusting his armor. He sees the others running and looks around in confusion.

STOMP: What'd I miss?

INT. MAIN HANGAR - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

HANDS: See?

LEE: Someday you're going to be wrong, and I just hope I'm there to see it.

HANDS: (looking at Chunky) Punch it!

Chunky shrugs, and smashes his fist through the control panel.

HANDS: No, I meant floor it!

INT. REBEL BASE - MAIN HANGAR

The Fountain belches a huge cloud of black exhaust and shoots out of the hangar. Darth Vacuous enters just in time to see the ship disappear.

VACUOUS: Damn! I knew I shouldn't have stopped to ask for Ion Cannon Chick's phone number!

He throws the scrap of paper down to the floor in anger and strides out of the hangar. A few moments later, he comes back in, glances around to make sure no one's watching, picks up the paper, and brushes off the snow. He stuffs it into a pocket and storms back out of the hangar.

EXT. HOT - ICE SLOPE - DAY

Marcus climbs up the slope to where the X-Wings are stored. Another pilot runs up to him.

PILOT: Hi, Marcus. I'm gonna be your wingman for the flight out.

MARCUS: (eyes widening) DUCK!

PILOT: Huh?

A low-flying Millenium Fountain shoots out of the hangar, skims the snow dunes, and hits the pilot so hard his boots are left behind.

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:56 pm

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

HANDS: Wow, that was a big bug.

He turns on the windshield wipers.

EXT. HOT - ICE SLOPE - STILL DAY

Marcus gets up off the ground and shakes a fist at the retreating starship.

MARCUS: Get some altitude, you maniac!

He shakes his head and runs over to his X-Wing, where Artoo is waiting in his little cubbyhole. (hey, that's what they call it in the script)

ARTOO: Hey, you wanna hurry up a little? There's still a frikkin army behind you, ya know.

MARCUS: Don't worry, Artoo. We're going, we're going. (muttering) I need to have that translator disabled.

ARTOO: What was that?

MARCUS: Nothing.

EXT. SPACE - MARCUS' X-WING

Marcus' fighter streaks through the surprisingly Imperial-free space around Hot. He suddenly banks sharply, away from the direction the other ships are taking.

ARTOO: What the hell is this, a sight-seeing tour?

MARCUS: There's nothing wrong, Artoo. Just setting a new course.

ARTOO: Does this mean we don't have to meet up with those losers again?

MARCUS: We're not going to regroup with the others.

ARTOO: YES!

MARCUS: We're going to the Dayglobah system.

ARTOO: YIP- wait a minute, you lost me. Why the hell are we going to that dump?

MARCUS: I wouldn't expect a mechanical to understand. It's a Force thing.

Haunting Force music starts up.

ARTOO: Stop that, stop it!

The music grinds to a halt.

ARTOO: Now look, I ain't going to no bloody swamp. Geez, and I thought the Rebels were stupid. You have to take the cake. I'm surprised you can even fly. Just give me control of the fighter, and no one gets hurt.

MARCUS: That's okay, Artoo. I'd like to keep it on manual control for awhile.

The control board beeps.

MARCUS: That's strange. The computer's trying to activate my ejection seat. Must be a malfunction.

He locks it down.

ARTOO: (mumbling) Stupid safety overrides.

EXT. SPACE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN

The Millenium Fountain speeds away from Hot, followed by an Imperious Star Whacker and four tiny BOWTIE fighters.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

Inside the cockpit, Chunky lets out a loud howl. Hands is trying to fly the ship with one hand while using the other to tear up duct tape to tape back down control panels that have been jarred loose by the barrage of laser blasts.

HANDS: Where's the damn sensor panel?!

Lee bends down and picks up a panel off the floor.

LEE: Is this it?

HANDS: Yeah. (he looks at it) Oh, great. Two more of them, coming right at us.

Stinky-O, who up until now has been sitting silently in the back, speaks up, his voice a dull monotone.

STINKY-O: Good. They can finish us off and put us all out of our misery.

Hands looks curiously at Stinky-O.

HANDS: What did you do to him?

LEE: Disabled his motivator. I thought it would shut him up.

STINKY-O: Would you like me to shut off the shields? It'll be faster that way.

HANDS: Oh, great, now we got a clinically depressed droid on our hands. Well, we can still ignore him.

Stinky-O hits the switch to turn off the shields. However, the switch is mislabeled, and he kicks in the dorsal thrusters.

EXT. SPACE

The Millenium Fountain suddenly dives straight down, closely followed by the BOWTIE fighters. The Star Whacker continues on a collision course with the other two Star Whackers.

INT. STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

CAPTAIN: Take evasive action!

The crewers look at each other, shrug, and dive for cover underneath their work stations.

CAPTAIN: No, you idiots, the ship, move the ship!

The helmsman looks out the viewport, where the two oncoming Star Whackers are flashing their brights and honking.

HELMSMAN: Oh, crap!

It's too late. The three Star Whackers collide, sending everyone on the bridge reeling.

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

The battered pirate ship races away from the three Star Whackers busy exchanging insurance information. BOWTIE fighters still in pursuit fire laserbolts. Things have calmed down a bit, but the race is still on.

Stinky-O is still staring sadly at the mislabeled switch.

STINKY-O: Doesn't anything on this bloody spaceship work?

HANDS: Prepare to make the jump to lightspeed!

(Stinky-O sighs softly in the background.)

HANDS: What?

STINKY-O: Nothing. You'll see.

LEE: Forget about the droid, those ships are getting closer!

HANDS: Oh, yeah? Watch this!

(He pulls a lever and the radio comes on.)

HANDS: No, uh, I mean watch *this*!

(He pulls another lever and his chair reclines.)

HANDS: No, um . . . aw, shoot. It's around here somewhere.

LEE: Oh, for pete's sake.

(She pulls the hyperdrive lever. Nothing happens.)

HANDS: Watch what?

LEE: I think we're in trouble.

HANDS: Why, because you pulled the wrong lever? Not as easy as it looks, is it?

LEE: No, I pulled the right lever! Something must be wrong with the hyperdrive!

(Stinky-O sighs again. Slowly, Hands and Lee turn to regard him.)

STINKY-O: By the way, I noticed the hyperdrive motivator has been damaged. Not that I blame it. I mean, with the situation we're in, who wouldn't get depressed?

HANDS: We're in trouble!

EXT. SPACE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - BOWTIE FIGHTERS

(The Millenium Fountain races through space, four BOWTIE fighters and an Imperious Star Whacker in close pursuit.)

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - HOLD

(Hands is inside a pit, working furiously at a control panel while giving various orders to Chunky.)

HANDS: Horizontal boosters!? Alluvial dampers!?

(Stinky-O walks up.)

STINKY-O: Captain Solo, where are the shield generators?

HANDS: Back there. Why?

STINKY-O: Just trying to speed things up a bit.

(He picks up a blaster, checks the charge, and walks to where Hands indicated. Hands is already yelling at Chunky again, totally ignoring Stinky-O.)

HANDS: No, that's not it! Bring me the hydroplanner! Er, the microspanner! I mean, the . . . uh . . . that thingy over there!

(Chunky hands it to him.)

HANDS: Don't know how we're going to get out of this one.

(A sudden blast rocks the ship. We hear a blaster shot followed by a metallic clatter off-screen. A moment later, we hear Stinky-O sighing.)

HANDS: Ow! Chunky, I lost a contact lens! I can't see!

(Another blast rocks the ship.)

HANDS: Agh! There goes the other one!

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

LEE: Hands, get up here!

HANDS: (over comm) Why? I'm busy!

LEE: Because I don't know how to fly, you moron! No one's flying the ship!!

(There is a brief pause, followed by a scuffling sound. A moment later Hands bursts into the cockpit, trips over a loose control panel, and falls flat on his face.)

LEE: Well, I feel much better now that you're here.

(Hands get up and gets back in the pilot seat. Hundreds of asteroids fly around outside the window.)

HANDS: Chunky, set two-one-seven.

LEE: What?! You're not actually taking us into an asteroid field?

HANDS: . . . asteroids?

(He squints and looks out the window.)

HANDS: Oh, ****!

(Stinky-O walks into the cockpit holding his blaster.)

STINKY-O: Do we have any more power packs for this? I missed.

LEE: Missed what?

STINKY-O: Nothing important.

(He looks out the window and actually cheers up a bit.)

STINKY-O: Asteroids? Good, that should finish us off pretty quickly. Want to know the odds?

HANDS: No.

STINKY-O: Three thousand seven hundred and twenty to one.

HANDS: I said don't tell me the odds!

EXT. ASTEROID BELT - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN

(A large asteroid tumbles away from the Fountain's path. The tiny ship veers out of its path just in time to run smack into another one. It bounces off and hits three more asteroids before recovering. One of the TIE pilots tries to duplicate the manuever, but since only the main characters survive in this thread, he blows up rather nicely.)

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

(Hands is squinting out the viewport. Lee and Chunky are yelling at him.)

LEE: Would you put on your glasses?!

HANDS: No! They make me look like a dofus!

(The ship shakes as they hit another asteroid.)

LEE: PUT THEM ON!!

HANDS: All right, fine! Give 'em here.

LEE: What do you mean, "give 'em here"? I don't have them.

HANDS: Well, I don't have them!

LEE: Well, where are they?

HANDS: I don't know! They were right on the dashboard!

LEE: They're not there now!

HANDS: You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake. Well, this could be it, sweetheart.

LEE: I never said that.

HANDS: Yes, you did.

LEE: Well I take it back!

(Another asteroid hits the ship.)

CHUNKY: Rowg rough rowwra gragh!! (subtitled: Shut the **** up and fly the goddamn ship!)

STINKY-O: (casually) You know, we're going to get pulverized if we stay out here much longer. Then we'll be burned, crushed, ground into a thousand pieces and blasted into oblivion.

HANDS, LEE, AND CHUNKY: SHUT UP!

STINKY-O: If we weren't all about to die, I'd take offense at that.

HANDS: We're not going to die!

STINKY-O: Oh, yeah? Look up.

(They all look out the viewport, where they're moments away from crashing into the mother of all asteroids.)

HANDS: (squinting) What? I don't see anything.

LEE: Pull up!

(She grabs the control yoke and yanks it back. Chunky yells in terror and covers his face. Stinky-O throws up his arms like he's on a roller coaster.)

STINKY-O: Wheeeeeeee!!

EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID

(The Fountain pulls up just in time, its belly scraping the asteroid. The other TIEs can't pull up in time and crash into it.)

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

LEE: We made it!

HANDS: What did I tell you? This ship can make it past anything.

(A burst of sparks from a control panel, and all the lights die.)

HANDS: Uh-oh.

EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID

(Without warning, the engines cut out. The ship plummets like a rock, falls into a hole, and bounces around inside the tunnel until finally coming to a rest.)

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

(Hands, Lee, Chunky, and Stinky-O sit in a dazed shock. Slowly, Stinky-O reaches under his seat and pulls out Hands' glasses.)

STINKY-O: By the way, were you looking for these earlier?

EXT. SPACE - MARCUS' X-WING

(The tiny X-wing speeds toward the planet of Dayglobah.)

INT. MARCUS' X-WING - COCKPIT

ARTOO: So this is what you dragged us halfway across the galaxy for.

MARCUS: Yes, that's it. Dayglobah.

ARTOO: So how do you plan to find this Yoga character? Hope to set down less than a hundred yards away from his house by blind luck?

MARCUS: It's a Force thing. I wouldn't expect a mechanical to understand.

(Haunting Force music starts up again.)

ARTOO: Stop that, stop it! I told you not to do that! Besides, you don't think it's dangerous for droids, do you?

MARCUS: Oh, it's deadly for droids. Dayglobans torture and kill every droid they lay eyes on. They're renowned all over the galaxy. Man, they sure do hate droids...

ARTOO: Very funny.

(Marcus takes the fighter into the atmosphere. Immediately the X-wing is enveloped in thick fog.)

MARCUS: All the scopes are dead, I can't see a thing!

ARTOO: The scopes are dead. Long live the scopes.

MARCUS: Would you do something! We're going to crash!

ARTOO: Well, I'd use the Force, but I'm just a foot-shuffling, head-scratching mechanical. I'm ig'nant 'a such things, massa.

MARCUS: Screw you. I'm gonna try to start the landing cycle.

ARTOO: Sho' sounds like a good idea, massa. Lawd yes, nothin' like a good landin' cycle to spruce up 'da mawnin.' Less land on sumthin,' Gawd-a-mighty!

(Marcus reaches up and rubs his eyes.)

MARCUS: This Yoga better be worth it.

(A loud crash jolts Marcus out of his contemplation. It sounds like his ship has just hit a tree branch and a rather unhappy squirrel that was in the tree branch at the time. More trees snap as the X-wing barrels through them.)

ARTOO: Ow! Ouch! Ptuu! Hey, that was a pine tree, now I've got sap all over me!

(Marcus grins and points the ship at a large oak branch barely visible ahead.)

ARTOO: Now if we could just avoid any further foliage, we can-

*Whack*

ARTOO: OW! You did that on purpose!

(Marcus snickers under his breath. A moment later, the entire spacescraft jolts as it comes to a stop. Water washes up over the canopy as Marcus, having forgotten to fasten his restraints, flies headfirst into it.)

*Whack*

MARCUS: Ow!

(Artoo snickers under his breath.)

EXT. DAYGLOBAH - DUSK

(The mist-shrouded X-wing fighter is almost invisible in the thick fog. Marcus climbs out somewhat woozily onto the nose of the starfighter, while Artoo works himself out of his cubbyhole.)

MARCUS: (dizzily) Hey. . . someone stop the swamp, I wanna get off. . .

(Marcus staggers, falls back into Artoo, and knocks the droid over the edge.)

MARCUS: Artoo? (peers into the water) Artoo? Where'd you go?

(A periscope pops up, bleeping angrily.)

MARCUS: You be more careful.

(Artoo bleeps a string of profanity-laden binary code.)

MARCUS: Uh . . . sorry, forgot to bring the portable translator. Maybe later, buddy.

(With a final electronic sigh, Artoo starts heading to shore. He hasn't gotten two feet, though, before a giant bog monster swallows him. Boy, who saw that one coming?)

MARCUS: Artoo? (looks around once or twice) Eh, good riddance.

(Marcus jumps into the water and heads for shore. As he is making a rather futile attempt to dry himself off, PHHEEWAAT! (Honest. Read the script.) The runt-sized robot is spit out of the water, makes a graceful arc, and lands on Marcus.)

MARCUS: OW! GET OFF ME!

(Artoo beeps contentedly, making no move to get off Marcus.)

MARCUS: (weakly) If you're saying coming here was a bad idea, I'm beginning to agree with you.

(Artoo beeps to get Marcus' attention. As soon as Marcus looks at him, Artoo spits a lungful of swamp water in his face.)

MARCUS: (wiping mud out of his eyes) Maybe I'm just going crazy.

(Artoo spits up the rock he was saving, and nails Marcus between the eyes.)

INT. VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER - VACUOUS' CHAMBER

(Admiral Piett hesitates in the doorway to Vacuous' chambers. After a moment he steps into the room and pauses at the surprising sight before him.)

(Darth Vacuous, his back turned, is on the far side of the chamber. Vacuous' uncovered head is exposed, and the back of his neck is a mess of scar tissue. Standing next to him is a hispanic hairdresser with a lisp.)

HAIRDRESSER: Honey, who did this to you? It's just plain nasty.

VACUOUS: I was dropped into a pit of lava by my former master.

HAIRDRESSER: Yeah, that'll do it. Okay Miss Vacuous, we're gonna try some eyeshadow, because the more attention we draw away from the rest of your face, the better, am I right?

(He starts to laugh, then suddenly begins to choke.)

VACUOUS: I want a fair complexion, not excuses.

(Piett clears his throat. Vacuous quickly releases the hairdresser, puts on his helmet and turns around.)

VACUOUS: (struggling to act casual) Yes, Admiral?

PIETT: Our ships have spotted the Millenium Fountain, lord. But . . . it has entered an asteroid field, and we cannot risk--

VACUOUS: Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral.

PIETT: Well, yeah, but these are *really* big ones. I mean *huge*.

VACUOUS: Well, okay, the big ones concern me a little. But not the small ones.

PIETT: Okay, but how do we know which are big ones, and which are small ones? I mean, are we talking about a mile-wide here, or is the cutoff somewhere more around--

(Vacuous hits a button on his chair, and a pit opens up right behind Piett.)

PIETT: (hurridly) Use my best judgement. Got it.

(He dashes out of the room before Vacuous can hit another button.)

EXT. ASTEROID CAVE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN

(The pirate starship rests in a dark, dripping asteroid cave. It is so dark that the cave's exact dimensions are impossible to determine.)

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

HANDS: I'm going to shut down everything but the emergency power systems.

LEE: The emergency power systems broke down, remember?

HANDS: Oh. In that case, I'm going to shut everything down.

STINKY-O: Does this mean you'll shut me down as well? Well, it's not quite the same as having my miserable existence terminated for all eternity, but I guess it'll have to do--

HANDS: No, I need you to talk to the Fountain, see what's wrong with the hyperdrive.

STINKY-O: You've got to be kidding me.

HANDS: Nope.

STINKY-O: Human beings aren't capable of surviving explosive decompression, are they?

HANDS: No. Why?

STINKY-O: Just curious.

(He leaves the cockpit, stopping to grab a blowtorch before exiting. Chunky follows him.)

(Suddenly, the cabin lurches, throwing Lee into Hands' arms. They both fall into the pilot's chair, which reclines and hits a switch on the way down, dimming the lights and turning on Barry White music. Then, abruptly, the motion stops as suddenly as it started. With some surprise, Lee realizes she's on top of Hands.)

LEE: Let go of me.

(She flushes, averting her eyes. She's not exactly fighting to get free, if you know what I mean. Hands, his face inches away from hers, is peering at her with a strange intensity.)

LEE: What?

HANDS: I never noticed all those little wrinkles on your face before. . .

*Whack*

HANDS: Hey! Don't get all excited!

LEE: (getting up) Please, lying on top of you isn't nearly enough to get me excited.

HANDS: Sorry. I didn't have time for anything else.

(He flashes her a devilish grin, turns to exit, and walks straight into the door.)

LEE: Told you to keep those glasses on.

EXT. DAYGLOBAH - BOG CLEARING - DUSK

(The mist has dispersed a bit, but it is still a very gloomy-looking swamp. Marcus carries an equipment box from the shore to the clearing. Artoo rolls over and nudges him.)

MARCUS: Why? Ready for some power? Okay, let's see now. (he plugs a power cable into Artoo's socket) There you go.

(He turns his back. Artoo extends a pair of pinchers, pulls out the power cord, and tosses it into the puddle Marcus is standing in. Luckily, Marcus steps out at the last minute, going over to grab a container of processed food.)

ARTOO: Bweep burp. (translation: Damn!)

(Marcus doesn't notice any of this and goes over to sit next to the thermal heater.)

MARCUS: Now I all have to do is find this Yoga . . . if he even exists. (nervously, he looks around the foreboding jungle) This place gives me the creeps.

(Occupied with studying his surroundings, Marcus doesn't notice Artoo slowly creeping up behind him, tiny power saw extended.)

MARCUS: Still . . . there's something familiar about this place. I mean, add another sun, drain the swamp, fill it full of sand, kill all the plants, raise the temperature a billion degrees and drop the humidity, and it would almost look like Patootie. The resemblance is really uncanny. I don't know. I feel like . . .

STRANGE VOICE: Feel like what?

(Marcus jumps up, knocking over Artoo just before his saw intersected with the back of Marcus' head. Mysteriously standing in front of Marcus is a strange creature not more than two feet tall who looks a hell of a lot like Yoga from Episode I. It covers its face.)

MARCUS: Well, right now I feel like a decent meal and a shower, but that's not the point. Who the hell are you?

CREATURE: Away put your weapon! I mean you no harm.

MARCUS: What? Oh, you mean put my weapon away.

CREATURE: Said that I did.

MARCUS: What the hell kind of speech impediment is that? You're talking backwards.

CREATURE: This problem, a long time have I had. I am wondering, why are you here?

MARCUS: I'm looking for someone.

CREATURE: Looking? Found someone you have, I would say, hmmm?

(He laughs.)

MARCUS: Riiiiight. Look, Shorty, I'm looking for a great warrior.

CREATURE: Great warrior? Hah! Wars not make one great. Except for Shaft. Bad muthaf***a was he, mmmm, bad muthaf***a.

(Yoga- I mean, the creature, notices Marcus' dinner and takes a bite.)

MARCUS: Put that down! Now . . . Hey! My dinner that is! I mean, that's my dinner! Oh, great, now you've got me talking backwards!

(The creature spits out the bite he's taken and makes a face.)

CREATURE: How you get so big, eating food of this kind? Hormones, take you?

MARCUS: Listen, friend, we didn't mean to land in that puddle, and-

CREATURE: Steriods, then?

MARCUS: NO! That's it, I'm outta here as soon as I get my ship out.

CREATURE: (teasing) Aw, can't get your ship out?

(He starts rummaging through one of Marcus' supply cases.)

MARCUS: Hey, get out of there!

INT. TURRET ROOM - NUHBOO PALACE - LATE DAY

Ob-Ewan kneels as Yoga paces in front of him.

YOGA: Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the council does.

OB-EWAN: Okay, you know what? I don't know if anyone's ever mentioned this to you before, but you talk really weird.

YOGA: Talk perfectly normal, I do.

OB-EWAN: Your sentences are all inverted. You switch around your prepositional phrase and your imperative.

YOGA: Know what you mean, I do not.

OB-EWAN: Here, try this. Say, 'The boy may be the Chosen One.'

YOGA: The Chosen One, the boy may be.

OB-EWAN: Okay, now say, 'The Chosen One, the boy may be.'

YOGA: Inverted, that is.

OB-EWAN: Yeah, I know, just say it.

YOGA: The boy may be the Chosen One.

OB-EWAN: (laughing) That's hilarious! You're really messed up, you know that?

YOGA: Cut the crap you will! Need it, I do not. Talk about the boy, we must. Grave danger do I sense in his training.

Ob-Ewan keeps laughing.

YOGA: (cont) Stop laughing you must! (he sighs) Li-Gon's defiance, I sense in you. Your apprentice, young Streetwalker will be.

Ob-Ewan stops laughing.

OB-EWAN: WHAT?!? I don't want to train that little punk! Train him yourself!

YOGA: (chuckling) Better than that, you should know. Mess with me, you should not.

OB-EWAN: This is because I made fun of your talking, isn't it?

YOGA: Oh, yeah.

OB-EWAN: Don't you mean, 'Yeah, oh'?

Whack
(Yoga- I mean, the creature, starts rummaging through Marcus' containers and tossing things out left and right.)

MARCUS: Hey, you could have broken this! Ohhh, you're making a mess.

(Suddenly, Yog- er, the creat- oh, you all know who it is. Yoga spots Artoo and runs over with a cup. He tries pushing some of the buttons on Artoo and holding out his cup, but nothing happens.)

YOGA: Pumped, this keg needs to be. Nothing am I getting.

MARCUS: Hey, let go of him!

(Yoga wraps his arms around Artoo.)

YOGA: Mine! Or I will help you not!

MARCUS: I don't want you help, I want my astro- actually, on second thought, keep the stupid droid. Just leave me alone.

(Artoo beeps angrily at this and starts trying to roll away, dragging Yoga after him.)

YOGA: Mine! Mine!

MARCUS: Oh, Artoo, let him have you.

YOGA: Mine! Mine!

MARCUS: Artoo!

(Artoo spits another lungful of swamp water on top of Yoga. Yoga coughs and lets go, trying to lick the muck off his face.)

YOGA: Yech! How you get so drunk, drinking swill of this kind?

MARCUS: It's not beer, and you're not welcome here, so why don't you pack up and move along, little fella?

YOGA: No, no. Stay and help you I will. Find your friend.

MARCUS: I'm not looking for a friend, I'm looking for-

YOGA: No friends have you? Hardly surprised I am.

MARCUS: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! I'm looking for a Jedi Master!

YOGA: Oh, Jedi Master. Me- I mean, Yoga. You seek Yoga.

MARCUS: You know him?

YOGA: Oh, sure. Great pals we are. On Friday evenings we hang together. Chew the fat. Great guy is he. Powerful Jedi. Shabby dresser, though.

MARCUS: Do you know where he lives?

YOGA: Take you to my hou- er, his house I can. But first, we eat. Come. Good food. Come.

(He starts walking off, leaving a stunned Marcus. After a few moments, Marcus shrugs and sits down.)

MARCUS: Screw that. I'll find Yoga myself.

(Yoga hobbles back over.)

YOGA: (waving his hand) Come with me, you will.

MARCUS: Come with you, I will.

YOGA: After the camp, Artoo must stay and watch.

MARCUS: Artoo, stay and watch must the camp over.

YOGA: (sighing) Idiot you are.

MARCUS: Am idiot I.

*Whack*

MARCUS: Ow!

(Yoga hobbles off. Marcus follows, rubbing his head.)

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:57 pm

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN- CORRIDOR

OUR HEROES ARE STILL TRYING TO SOLVE THEIR IMMEDIATE PROBLEMS

STINKY-O: Hey, hands ! Listen, I don't know where your ship learn to communicate, but the ebonics is really throwing me off. Talking in some hip-hop jive language. I think that its telling me the power coupling from the negative axis has been polarized and that replacing it means helping you not to get...whats the word it was using " Locked down by Five-O when the heats is coming around the corner."

HANDS WALK OVER TO THE DROID AND GIVES HIM A CURIOUS LOOK

HANDS : I didn't even know my ship was hip like that...but of course I'll have to replace it. Tell the computer thanks and continue to try and isolate the power coupling

STINK-O : The computer says " Yo, Homey..aint no thang but a muthaf***in chicken wang. No doubt, I be..representin to the fullest extension..and its like that and that the way it is...huh !!!"

HANDS STARES AT STINKY-O FOR A GOOD MINUTE AS THE DROID THROWS UP HIS METAL ARMS AS IF TO SAY...

STINKY-O : Hey, dude...this is your ship, okay ? I'm just a poor little ole protocol droid...ask me no questions , I tell you no lies.

HANDS WALK OVER TO THE TOP HATCH HOLE

HANDS : Here ! And Chunky....

CHUNKY BRINGS HIS HEAD BACK THROUGH THE TRAP DOOR IN THE CEILING AND WHINES, HANDS GLANCES UP

HANDS: You better replace the negative power coupling before my computer starts to perform Run-Dmc's " My Addias" and we'll never get outta here.

MEANWHILE, PRINCESS LEE FINISHES WELDING THE VALVES SHE HAS BEEN WORKING ON AND ATTEMPTS TO REENGAGE THE SIDE LEVEL. AT THAT MOMENT HANDS SLIP INSIDE AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND LEE AS SHE QUICKLY PUSHES HIM OFF

HANDS : Hey, your almighty, royal, b**chy worship, I'm only trying to help.

LEE ( Still struggling ): Would you please stop calling me that

HANDS : Sure, Lee

LEE : You make it soooo freakin difficult sometimes

HANDS: Hey, I can say the same thing about you broads, but I guess it comes with the territory, so get over it, babe.

LEE: You know with statements like that, the feminist will be all over you..

HANDS : Actually, they will be all over Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan, since they're the scrip writers here not me...but c'mon, admit it..sometimes you think I'm all right.

LEE LETS GO OF THE LEVER AND RUBS HER SORE HANDS THATS NOT REALLY THAT SORE

LEE: Occasionally... ( she gives a small smile, haltingly) maybe..when you aren't acting like a scoundrel.

HANDS ( laughs ) : Scoundrel ? Scoundrel ? I like the sound of that, Yeah, baby, yeah !!!!

WITH THAT, HANDS TAKES HER HAND ( that sentence structure was kinda weird wasn't it ?! ) AND STARTS TO MASSAGE IT

LEE : Stop that .

HANDS: Stop what, do I make you horny, baby, yeah... do I make you randi ?!"

LEE : ( her voice a little bit raised up ) Please hands stop it, and let me go,

HANDS SEES THE SERIOUS LOOK ON HER FACE AND KNOWS THAT HE TOOK IT TOO FAR. HE IMMEDIATELY LETS GO OF HER HAND.

HANDS : Sorry, princess. Don't know what came over me ?!

SUDDENLY LEE GRABS HANDS, TURNS HIM AROUND AND PUSHES HIM AGAINST THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL.

LEE : Hey, flyboy..don't you know by now that when a girl says NO !, she really means..YES !

HANDS ( in a state of shock ) : Uhhhhhh, Lee, listen This really isnt necessary..I, I think maybe we need to get back to...uhhh our , uhhh work.

LEE : ( as she give a devilish seductive grin) You in a hurry there, hands ? We got a little time before we get to the rendezvous point. We can use it to...( She violently rips open his shirt to reveal his hairy chest ) get to know each other better .

HANDS : Whooooaaaaaa !!!!!!!! Now wait a minute, miss..I think...

LEE : ( putting her finger over hands' mouth telling him to shush ) What you think is irrelevant. What I think, however, is that this... is long overdue.( She begins to lick all over hands neck and kissing his chest )

HANDS : Princess please...I must say, madam..that this is highly irregular...

SHE GRABS BOTH SIDES OF HIS TORN SHIRT AND PULLS HI-

GEORGE LUCAS: Next scene please!

EXT. SPACE - ASTEROID FIELD

(The Imperial fleet moves through the asteroid-filled void (if it's filled, how is it a void?) intently seeking its prey.)

INT. VACUOUS' STAR DESTROYER - BRIDGE

(Before Darth Vacuous are the hologram images of battleship commanders. One of them, Captain Needa, is talking with the Dark Lord.)

NEEDA: . . . and that, Lord Vader, is the last time they appeared in any of our scopes. Considering the damage we've sustained, they must have been destroyed.

VACUOUS: Then how could we have a plot?

NEEDA: Er- um . . .

VACUOUS: Look, stop being such a baby. We're perfectly safe.

(Another commander throws up his arms in terror as his ship is hit by an asteroid. His hologram fades out.)

VACUOUS: Okay, so we lost one ship. Big deal. Statistically speaking, we had to lose at least one ship.

NEEDA: Pardon me for asking sir, but couldn't we simply wait for them outside the asteroid belt? I mean, they have to come out eventually.

(The other commanders nod their heads enthusiastically.)

VACUOUS: NO! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to leave the asteroid belt.

CAPTAINS: WHAT?!

VACUOUS: You heard me. I have to . . . um . . . call the Emperor. Yes, that's it. I need to call the Emperor. Piett here was just telling me the Emperor called, didn't you, Piett?

PIETT: Uh, I don't remember any-

VACUOUS: (forcefully) I'm sure you remember, Admiral Piett. (he glares at Piett)

PIETT: Oh . . . oh, right! *That* call! Yes, I distinctly remember the Emperor calling you about urgent . . . stuff.

VACUOUS: That's what I though. Continue your search, captains. Admiral, take us out of the asteroid field, so that we can send a clear transmission.

INT. VACUOUS' STAR DESTROYER - VACUOUS' CHAMBERS

(Vacuous is alone in his chambers. A strange sound begins humming, and Vacuous kneels.)

VACUOUS: What is thy bidding, my master?

EMPEROR: There is a great disturbance in the Force.

VACUOUS: I have felt it, my master.

EMPEROR: We have a new enemy. Mar-

(In mid-sentence, the hologram disappears. Vacuous tentatively looks up.)

VACUOUS: Er, my master?

(A moment later, the hologram reappears, the Emperor spitting and cursing.)

EMPEROR: Goddamn stupid AOL! It always kicks me off right in the middle of a conversation!

VACUOUS: Shall I slay them for you, master?

EMPEROR: Later. Right now, we have more important matters to attend to. (clears throat) There is a great disturbance in the Force.

VACUOUS: You already said that.

EMPEROR: Oh. Where did I leave off?

VACUOUS: Um . . . "We have a new enemy. Mar-"

EMPEROR: Oh, right. Marcus Streetwalker.

VACUOUS: Uh, whatever you say, my master.

EMPEROR: He could destroy us.

VACUOUS: Are you sure we're thinking about the same guy? Short tow-headed kid, whines a lot, got a really wizard astro-pop droid?

EMPEROR: That's him.

VACUOUS: You've got to be kidding me.

EMPEROR: The Force is strong with him. Your son- er, the son of Streetwalker must not become a Jedi.

VACUOUS: If he could be turned, he would become a powerful ally.

EMPEROR: A minute ago you thought he was a whiny git. Now you want to recruit the kid? Make up your mind.

VACUOUS: (waving his hand) He *will* become a powerful ally.

EMPEROR: He will become a powerful ally.

VACUOUS: (waving his hand) He *will* join us or die.

EMPEROR: He will join us or die.

VACUOUS: (waving his hand) You *will* give me a raise.

EMPEROR: Not on your life.

VACUOUS: Damn!

EXT. DAYGLOBAH - SHORT CREATURE'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A HEAVY DOWNPOUR OF RAIN POUNDS THROUGH THE GNARLED TREES. A STRANGE BAROQUE MUD HOUSE WITH NEO LIGHTS SAYING " HOME OF THE BIG WILLIE JEDI MASTER" SHINING BRIGHT IN THE NIGHT.

INT. SHORT CREATURE'S HOUSE

ARTOO, PEEKING IN THE WINDOW LIKE HE WAS O.J. SIMPSON SPYING ON NICOLE AND RON GOLDMAN, SEES INSIDE THE HOUSE. A VERY HOMEY AND DREARY HOME. THE SHORT CREATURE IS IN ANOTHER AREA-( HIS KITCHEN I WOULD IMAGINE ) COOKING UP A MEAL FIT FOR A...WELL...YOGA ( WHAT THE HELL IS HIS SPECIES CALLED ANYWAY ?! )

MARCUS: Look , I'm sure it taste just like chef boyardee used to make. I just don't understand why we cant see Yoga now.

SHORT CREATURE : Patience ! Oh young and eager student of infinite knowledge. For the Jedi it is time to eat as well. The wise Jedi once said, "That the power of the mighty falcon is discovered from how he spreads his wings."

MARCUS ( With an incredulous look on his face ) : What ?!

SHORT CREATURE ( With a wide eyed grin and holding one finger upwards ) : Exactly ! ( heh heh heh )

MARCUS SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISGUST AND STARTS TO MOVE THROUGH THE VERY CRAMP QUARTERS, WHICH WE AS THE AUDIENCE STILL DON'T HAVE A CLUE AS TO HOW HE GOT HIMSELF INSIDE THE HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE. HE SITS DOWN NEAR THE FIRE AND START TO MESS WITH THE CREATURE'S PET SNAKE.

MARCUS : How far away is Yoga ? Will it take us long to get there ?

SHORT CREATURE : Not far. Yoga not far. Patience, oh weak minded perverted child of a Tatooine slave, soon you will be with him. ( tasting the food from the pot )
PHEWWWW!!!, ( spitting out what he tasted ) ARRRGHHH !! needs some more flavor..
( He pulls out from his little short pouch, a small 16 oz bottle of Jack Daniels and begins to pour the liquor in the pot ) Yeaaaah, now we're finally cooking . Why wish you become Jedi ? Hm ?

MARCUS : Y'know up until this point, I really didn't have any idea what was my purpo.... oh now I know, hmmmm mostly because of my father, I guess.

SHORT CREATURE : Ah, your father. Powerful Jedi was he, hehehe, mmmm powerful Jedi, mmm. The wise Jedi once said concerning your father that " He was faster than a speeding bullet and more powerful than a locomotive, but he was still able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."

MARCUS : Uhhhhhh, thats not my father, you nitwit, you've just described "Superman"

SHORT CREATURE ( With the same wide eyed grin, holding one finger upwards ): Exactly !!

MARCUS ( Sounding really pissed off ) Listen, shorty, how could you even know my father ? ***t, you're bright @ss don't even know who I am...

SHORT CREATURE: Be calm, for I do know who you are

MARCUS : Oh you do ? Well, this I gots to see... who am I then ?

SHORT CREATURE : An impatient little whining @sshole...

MARCUS ( Screaming and lunging to grab the short creature ) : **** you, you little troll ! I'll kill you, wasting my G**damn time, like this !

THE CREATURE TURNS AND ESCAPES MARCUS' WRATH. HE RUNS TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OR THE ROOM. HE SPEAKS TO A THIRD PARTY

SHORT CREATURE ( Irritated ) : I cannot teach him. The little ba****d has no patience.

BEEN-THERE'S VOICE : He will learn patience..but didn't I tell you he was a whiner ?

YOGA : Hmmmm, Much stupidity in him, like his father.

MARCUS : Oh, my God....You're Yoga ?

YOGA ( lighting up a cigar and taking a puff ) : In the flesh, punk !

BEEN-THERE ( Finally appearing in his dead man spirit form sitting next to Yoga ) : Was I any different when you taught me ?

VOICE IN THE AIR : In all actuality, you was worse !

BEEN-THERE TURNS TO SEE ANOTHER FORM MATERIALIZE RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. THE IMAGE TAKES THE FORM OF...

BEEN-THERE ( In total shock ) : Holy **** ! Li-Gon ! What the hell are you doing here ?!

LI-GON'S GHOST ( laughing ) : I have returned to give you some support, my young Padawan.

BEEN-THERE: Excuse me, didn't we just had a conversation in ANH humorous thread, that I said if I continue to help out Marcus then you would never bother us again..ever?!..I don't know..I believ

EXT. ASTEROID CAVE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN

(The Millenium Fountain continues to lie low.)

INT. ASTEROID CAVE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

(The cockpit is quiet and lit only by the indicator lights on the control panel. Princess Lee is in the pilot's seat, painting her toenails. (hey, it's been a slow day) Suddenly, something outside the cockpit catches her eye. She peers out the window, trying to see something, when a large sucker attaches itself to the window. The young princess screams and bolts out of the cockpit.)

INT. ASTEROID CAVE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - HOLD AREA

(Hands is finishing wiring under some of the panels.)

STINKY-O: Sir, if I might venture an opinion-

HANDS: No. Look, I don't care how many times you suggest it, I'm not going to put the self-destruct on standby "just in case."

(Lee rushes into the cabin just as Hands drops the last floor panel.)

LEE: There's something out there.

HANDS: Where?

LEE: What do you mean, where? It's in the frikkin' cave.

(As she speaks, there is a sharp banging on the hull. Chunky looks up and moans anxiously.)

HANDS: I'm going out there.

LEE: Are you crazy?

HANDS: I just got this bucket back together, I'm not going to let something tear it apart.

LEE: Well at least take your glasses!

HANDS: (leaving the ship) I don't need glasses!

EXT. ASTEROID CAVE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN

(Hands steps cautiously out of the ship, blaster at ready. It is very dark, too dark to see what is attacking the ship.)

HANDS: Ground sure feels strange. Doesn't feel like rock.

(He squints and looks around. Seen from his vision, the ship is nothing but a big grey blur, and the ground is a big lighter blur.)

HANDS: Can't see anything in here...

(There is a soft chittering sound. Hands follows the sound to one of the treads. Sitting on the ground next to the tread is a small, furry blob. Hands squints, but can't make it out.)

HANDS: What the- oh, it's a bird. Poor little birdie, you must have gotten hurt.

(He picks it up and bundles it in his coat.)

INT. ASTEROID CAVE - MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - HOLD AREA

(Lee and Chunky regard Hands as he steps in the door.)

LEE: Did you find it? What was it?

HANDS: Look what I found, everybody!

(He holds out his coat, revealing a very angry Mynock with a full set of very sharp teeth. With a squeal, it leaps out and latches onto Chunky's ankle.)

CHUNKY: ROOOWGH!!

LEE: What the hell are you doing bringing that thing in here!?

STINKY-O: Good work, Master Hands! I'll go get some more.

CHUNKY: Rowgh rough rawgr rohug! (translation: GET THIS THING OFF MY LEG!)

HANDS: Hey, back off, it's just scared! (he leans down next to Chunky's leg) Come on, birdie. Nice birdie. Let go of Chunky.

(The mynock regards Hands for a minute, then lets go of Chunky and bites down on Hands' hand.)

HANDS: OOOWWWWWW!!! KILL IT, KILL IT!

(He starts banging it against the wall.)

HANDS: KILL IT! KILL IT!

LEE: Chunky, grab him!

(Chunky grabs Hands and pulls him over to the door. He manages to get the Mynock off and tosses it out.)

LEE: Good riddance.

HANDS: Yeah, but look what he did to my-

(The Mynock flies back in the door and lands on top of Hands' head.)

HANDS: AUGH! KILL IT!

LEE: Damnit! Chunky, grab it!

(Chunky pulls the Mynock off. Lee takes out her blaster and takes aim.)

LEE: Pull!

(Chunky tosses the Mynock, and Lee shoots it in mid-air. Suddenly the cave lurches, sending everyone swaying.)

HANDS: Wait a minute...

(He pulls out his blaster and shoots the floor. The entire cave lurches again, this time much more violently.)

LEE: Oh, brilliant idea! When the cave starts collapsing, shoot it! Gosh, why didn't I think of that?

HANDS: This is no cave!

INT. MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN - ENTRY AREA

(Hands, Lee and Chunky all head for the cockpit.)

LEE: The Empire is still out there, I don't think it's wise to-

HANDS: I was not elected to watch my people suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee!

LEE: I am not a committee!

They race into the cockpit

LEE: (Cont'd) Look!

HANDS: I don't see a thing!

LEE: Put on your damn glasses!

HANDS: Alright already (Puts on glasses) Oh my God, this is a giant space worm and it's closing its mouth conveniently slow enough for us to just barely escape! Let's get out of here!-Wait I just remembered Emmet, WildStyle and Batman borred my Hyperdrive! We're doomed!

LEE: You idiot! You don't need a hyperdrive to fly out of a creature's mouth. And we do have a hyperdrive, it just doesn't work remember. You told me you got tired of waiting for them to give it back to you and you bought a new one on Patootie from Platto at Platto's Jeunk Emporium.

HANDS: Oh, that's right.

They fly out of the Worm's maw, unharmed, which snaps shut behind them 5 times faster at least than how fast it was closing to let them out. Plot convenience.

EXT. DAYGLOBAH - DAY

(With Yoga strapped to his back, Marcus climbs up one of the many thick vines that grow in the swamp. This is rather difficult as he is doing this while trying to carry three heavy paper sacks filled with groceries.)

YOGA: Run! Yes, a Jedi's strength flows through the Force. Let it give you power, strength, speed.

(Marcus comes to a panting, gasping halt.)

MARCUS: I need... a break... just for a minute...

YOGA: No! Rest later! Melting the ice cream is!

MARCUS: Master Yoga, I don't mean to question you, but how is doing your grocery shopping going to make me a better Jedi?

YOGA: Later will I explain it. (he pulls out a list and crosses something off) Now, to the dry cleaners must we go.

MARCUS: But Master Yoga, why-

YOGA: No, no, there is no why! Now hurry, close at six they do!

(He digs his heels into Marcus' back. The young Jedi yelps and glares at Yoga.)

MARCUS: Why did you have to wear spurs?

YOGA: Part of the training it is. Only when pain a Jedi can ignore can peace he be at.

(Pause.)

MARCUS: What?

YOGA: Just go! (he swats Marcus with his gimmer stick)

MARCUS: No, no, I've been running errands for you all day, and all you've said is that the Force gives me strength. Now I want some useful information, or you can kiss my ass goodbye.

YOGA: (sigh) Very well. Told you of the Dark Side, have I?

MARCUS: (interested) Dark Side? Sounds cool.

*Whack*

YOGA: Cool it is not! Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight.

MARCUS: Is the Dark Side stronger?

YOGA: No. Quicker, easier, more seductive.

MARCUS: Then why am I wasting my time learning this Light Side bullsh**?

YOGA: Consume you it will!

MARCUS: Really?

YOGA: Well, metaphorically speaking.

MARCUS: How am I to know the good side from the bad?

YOGA: You will know... when you pick up my dry cleaning! Now go!

MARCUS: What?! I knew it! You're just making this stuff up as you go along!

YOGA: No, no, I- uh... nothing more will I teach you this day.

MARCUS: I knew it!

YOGA: My ass you kiss, Streetwalker.

(Disgusted, Marcus turns away and sits down. After a few moments, he senses something is wrong. Marcus turns to see a huge dead black tree, its base surrounded by a few feet of water. Giant twisted roots form a dark and sinister cave on one side.)

MARCUS: There's something not right here. I feel cold, death.

YOGA: Told you to wear a jacket I did. Catch your death of cold you will.

MARCUS: No, it's something to do with that tree over there.

YOGA: That? (looks) Oh, that. That place is strong with the Dark Side of the Force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go.

MARCUS: Why?

YOGA: Look, wanted to learn about the Force you did. Dry cleaning you do not wish to get? Then into the cave you go.

MARCUS: What's in there?

YOGA: Only what you take with you.

MARCUS: Why would I want to see some dirty clothes, a blaster, a pack of gum and an old brightsabre?

YOGA: Just go and get it over with.

MARCUS: Fine, fine.

(He starts to buckle on his blaster.)

YOGA: Your weapons. You will not need them.

MARCUS: Yeah, sure. You don't need a cord when you go bungee jumping, either.

YOGA: Your attitude. You will not need that, either. Up your ass you stuff it.

(Marcus buckles on his blaster and enters the cave.)

YOGA: Have fun, sucker.

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:57 pm

INT. DAYGLOBAH - TREE CAVE

(Marcus moves into the almost total darkness of the cave. The youth can barely make out the edges of the passage. Suddenly, he rounds the corner and comes face to face a man who looks incredibly like Hands, wearing a leather jacket and a battered fedora.)

MARCUS: What the-? Hands!

INDIANA: Hands? I don't know what you're talking about, kid.

(He looks behind him as a loud rumbling noise fills the cavern. He yelps and runs off-screen, followed by a huge rolling boulder.)

MARCUS: What a strange scene.

(A moment later he is nearly bowled over by a group of knights being persued by the hideous Black Beast of Arrrgh.)

ARTHUR: Run away!

MARCUS: Okay, now this is just getting wierd.

(He narrowly jumps aside as a six-fingered man runs past the screen, following by a sword-wielding Spaniard.)

INIGO: My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!

*Whack*

(Ow!)

MARCUS: STOP DOING THAT!

(Sorry. Just trying to add some cameos.)

MARCUS: Yeah, yeah, we get the picture. Can we get on with it, please?

(Fine. Suddenly, at the edge of Marcus' vision appears-)

MARCUS: This better be good.

(Would you let me handle this, please? At the edge of Marcus' vision, a shadowy figure steps out, revealing-)

MARCUS: This better not be another cameo.

(It's Darth Vacuous, numbnuts!)

MARCUS: Oh. (pause) Crap.

(Got that right. The menacing Sith Lord steps out of the shadows, his immense bulk dwarfing the puny Jedi.)

MARCUS: I'm not puny!

(You are now.)

MARCUS: Oh, nuts.

(Vacuous slashes with his brightsabre. Marcus parries, and counters with a swing that decapitates Vacuous.)

MARCUS: Hey, that was easy! So much for puny, huh?

(Oh, there's more. A muffled explosion blows away part of Vacuous' face mask, revealing... Marcus' face.)

MARCUS: What!?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?

(It's symbolic. You're fighting yourself.)

MARCUS: Oh.

(Suddenly, Vacuous grows another head.)

MARCUS: What the hell-?!

(He swings and cuts it off. Another one appears with a pop. Marcus lops it off, only to have it replaced with another.)

MARCUS: (grunting) I suppose this is symbolic of something too, right?

(Nope. This is because you whacked me.)

MARCUS: Punk.

(Marcus continues to swing, and is soon knee-deep in heads.)

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:58 pm

EXT. DAYGLOBAH - DAY

(Yoga sits waiting outside the cave. He hears a strange noise and looks over to the entrance, where Marcus is dragging himself out, bruised and bloodied.)

MARCUS: Heh... made it.

(He hears a noise behind him, and turns around just as a huge avalanche of heads pours out of the cave, burying him.)

YOGA: Ah, whacked the author you did. Not a smart move.

EXT. SPACE - VACUOUS' STAR DESTROYER

(Vacuous' Star Destroyer moves through space, guarded by its convoy of BOWTIE fighters.)

INT. VACUOUS' STAR DESTROYER - BRIDGE - CONTROL DECK

(Vacuous stands in the back control area of his ship's bridge with a motley group of men and creatures. Admiral Piett and two controllers stand at the front of the bridge and watch the group with scorn.)

PIETT: Bounty hunters. We don't need that scum.

CONTROLLER: Uh, sir-

PIETT: Talk about your low-life bottom-dwelling scum-suckers. Why, they couldn't find a ship if it jumped up and bit their leg. I'm surprised they managed to put their armor on right.

CONTROLLER: Sir, I-

PIETT: Truly they are the worst of the worst, the most thug-like cretins to ever disgrace the galaxy with their presence.

CONTROLLER: SIR!

PIETT: What?

(The controller points behind him. Piett turns around to find himself face-to-face with the meaning-looking alien you've ever seen, complete with fangs, horns, claws, and a gun that would make Ah-nald Swchratzen-(however you spell it) shriek and run like hell.)

PIETT: Uh... yes?

(The alien holds his stare for another moment, then bursts into tears.)

PIETT: What the hell?!

ALIEN: You don't have to be so mean!

(He runs off sobbing like a little girl.)

(Meanwhile, Vacuous sits in a folding chair with a clipboard on his lap. The group in front of Vacuous is a bizzare array of galactic fortune hunters. One of them, a slimy, tentacled monster with two huge, bloodshot eyes steps forward as Vacuous calls his name.)

VACUOUS: (looking at his clipboard) Sorry, but I'm afraid you're not quite what we're looking for. Next.

BORSK: No, wait! I have other skills, too.

VACUOUS: Such as?

BORSK: Hang on. (he clears his throat and pulls out three thermal detonators) Can any of the other bounty hunters do... this? (he starts juggling the detonators)

VACUOUS: Hmmm... not bad. Anything else?

BORSK: (still juggling) You bet! (he clears his throat and begins singing) Clang clang clang went the trolley, ding ding ding-

(One of the other bounty hunters sticks his foot out, and Borsk trips over it. One of the detanators goes flying into the crewpit and explodes.)

VACUOUS: (looking up from the clipboard) What was that?!

BORSK: (hurried) Nothing. Nothing at all. Well, you have my number, I really need to get going now. Ta.

(He bolts from the bridge.)

VACUOUS: Hmph. Next.

(The next bounty hunter jumps forward, a huge gun held in front of him.)

DISINTEGRATOR: I am the Disintegrator! I hunt down my prey, then I take my disintegrator cannon and-

VACUOUS: Sorry. No disintegrations.

DISINTEGRATOR: None?

VACUOUS: Nope. Not even one. Sorry, we need them alive. Next.

(Mumbling, the Disintegrator walks away. The next bounty hunter, Bubba Fett, quickly tosses his disintegration gun over the edge.)

BUBBA: Uh... I am... the Survivor! Yes, all of my victims survive. I've never killed a single one, and I certainly won't kill yours!

VACUOUS: Interesting. Tell me something--

(Suddenly, Piett rushes into the scene, saving the author from having to finish it.)

PIETT: My lord, we have them!

study3600 · 12/22/2023 6:59 pm

EXT. IMPERIAL STAR WHACKER, THE AVENGERS- ASTEROID BELT

THE MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN SPEEDS THROUGH DEEP SPACE, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY A FIRING IMPERIAL CRUISER

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN- COCKPIT

THE SHIP SHUDDERS AS FLAK EXPLODES NEAR THE COCKPIT WINDOW. STINKY-O IS SEEN WITH BOTH HANDS CLASPED TOGETHER,

STINKY-O : Our father who art thou in heaven.....

CHUNKY BARKS EXCITEDLY AT STINKY-O AS THE RAIN OF ASTEROIDS BEGINS TO SUBSIDE. THE FOUNTAIN IS HIT HARD BY ANOTHER BOLT FROM THE STAR WHACKER WHICH CREATES A HUGE EXPLOSION

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN- COCKPIT

HANDS CORRECTS THE ANGLE OF HIS SHIP

HANDS: Alright..lets get the hell outta here. Are you all ready for Lightspeed ?

EVERYBODY IN THE COCKPIT : HELL YEAH !!!!!!!

HANDS : One... two............ two and a half.... two and three quarters...... two eighths to the forth power.......two times two equal four......uhhhhh, what comes after two ?

LEE ( yelling in Hands ears loudly ): Will you get on with it !!!!!

HANDS: Three !!!!

HANDS PULLS BACK ON THE HYPERSPACE THROTTLE AND- NOTHING HAPPENS. FLAK BURSTS CONTINUES AS THE BOLTS HIT THE FOUNTAIN EVEN HARDER.

HANDS : Houston... we may have a problem

CHUNKY IS VERY ANGRY AND STARTS TO GROWL AND BARK AT HANDS CALLING HIM EVERY NAME IN THE WOOKIE DICTIONARY...

HANDS : The transfer circuits are working...it's not my fault !

LEE ( Almost expecting it ): For ten thousand republic dactaries, can I get three guesses as whats wrong and the first two don't count ?

HANDS ( In a nervous and frantic voice ): Its not my fault, baby..honest. I...I...didnt know that this was gonna happen. I mean, you seen me when I was fixing the ship. I think maybe there was a fire....yeah !, that could be it...a fire...or the ship was invaded by little green men from mars.... Stinky-O sabotaging the controls in a jealous rage !... A terrible flood.... a plague.... a tornado... my dog chewed the controls.....Locusts...It wasn't my fault I swear to GOD !!!!!!!!!

SUDDENLY A LOUD BEEP FLASHES ON THE CONTROL PANEL, HANDS JUMP BACK TO ANSWER IT.

BILLY BOB THORNTON : Uhhhh, Hands ? Yes, this is Billy Bob Thornton speaking to you from the set of Armageddon. We've just done a computer analysis regarding your horrific situation, and..we came to the conclusion since you've lost your main rear deflector shield, if you get hit one more time on the back quarter by the heavy firepower of an imperial starwhacker...then I'm afraid that your done for.

LEE ( In a nervous voice ) : What do you mean " done for"

BILLY BOB THORNTON : Uhhhhh ma'am, this is a slang term that we use in NASA to describe what is known as a Millennium Fountain Global Killer...

HANDS ( looking upwards ) : Please GOD, don't let this be worse than it sounds.

BILLY BOB THORNTON: That means if the Fountain gets hit by another blast, then I'm afraid nothing on or in the ship will survive, not even bacteria.

LEE: What do you suggest we do ?

BILLY BOB THORNTON ( In a deadpan voice ): I suggest we bring in Bruce Willis, the best deep core driller in the galaxy. Other than that...you don't have a snowball's chance in hell.

STINKY-O : Then lets get this Bruce Willis person. How can we reach him ?!

BILLY BOB THORNTON : I've spoken with Bruce just a little over thirty minutes ago...and he wont be able to make it. Right now he's filming " Universal Soldier 4 : You can't die no harder than this." Listen, Ben Affleck is on line two...I gotta take this call, let me know how your situation turns out...if you survive it, that is."

STINKY-O ( yelling in a panic stricken voice and losing his cool in the cockpit ): Oh thats great ! Thats just ******' great man ! Now what the **** are we supposed to do ?! We in some real pretty **** now, man !!!

LEE ( Grabbing on to Stinky-O's face covering his mouth, with a calm but pissed off look on her face ) : Are you finished ?!

HANDS PAUSES FOR A MOMENT, MAKES A DECISION, AND PULLS BACK ON A LEVER.

HANDS : Turn her around

CHUNKY BARKS BACK CONFUSED.

HANDS : I know that my crack use has shifted into overdrive Chunkalunk but I swear this has nothing to do with that! Turn her around!

STINKY-O: This is madness! The odds of surviving a direct assault on an Umperial Star Whacker are 7 million 800 billion 2 decades 3 hundred to 1! Surrender is a perfectly reasonable alternative! The Umpire could

LEE knocks Stinky-O's head off. It clatters to the floor.

HANDS: Thanks, sweetheart!

INT. IMPERIOUS STAR-WHACKER-BRIDGE

NEEDY: They're moving into attack position! Sound the alarm!

PIETT: ROTJ, TFA, TLJ....

NEEDY: Whadda?

PIETT: Other Star Wars movies featuring small ships assaulting Star Whackers.

NEEDY: What the h*** is 'Star Wars'? Oh my, their out of range of our scopes! Track them! They may come around for a second pass.

EXT. IMPERIAL FLEET- SPACE

THE FLEET AROUND VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER NOW INCLUDES NEEDY'S STAR WHACKER, THE AVENGERS.

INT. VACUOUS' STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

CAPTAIN NEEDY SLUMPS DOWN, THEN FALLS OVER ON HIS BACK AT THE FEET OF DARTH VACUOUS. HIS BODY IS ALMOST LIFELESS AS HE IS NEAR DEATH.

NEEDY (At the End): Personally I never wanted to join the Empire. I wanted to join the *gasp* Rebel Scum. (Dies).

VACUOUS : Apology accepted, Captain Needy--WHAT? What did he say?!

GUARD ( Very nervous ) : Uhhhhhh, I think he... said that he really wanted to join the Rebels.

Whack

VACUOUS ( Pissed off ) :I know what he said you nitwit, I was just speaking rhetorically ! Get this stunted slime away from my sight.

TWO IMPERIAL GUARDS PICK UP THE LIFELESS BODY AFTER VACUOUS KICKS HIM ABOUT FIVE TIMES AND CARRIES IT QUICKLY AWAY AS A VERY NERVOUS ADMIRAL PIETT AND TWO OF HIS CAPTAINS HURRY UP TO THE DARK LORD.

VACUOUS : I tell you Piett, good help is so hard to find nowadays, I'm so pissed off I'm just looking for an excuse to crush someones throat into little tiny pieces of cartilage, and then for the fun of it, kidnap his whole family including the dog, put 'em in front of a firing squad and tell 'em " Hey, guess what? You all been select to help test the imperials new 9 millimeter explosive tip caseless, standard light armor piercing rounds."
And when the young child or old lady in the group speaks up and say " Please don't kill us, this is a PG film." I'm going to say " hahahaha, **** you and George Lucas, them the breaks, kid. Survival of the fittest, baby!" and tell 'em to let the bullets fly. As a matter of fact, I wanna know who was in charge of hiring this a****** Needy ? Probably some Admiral or something. Ohhhh man, I hope I find out soon, 'cause I can't wait to get my hands on his throat ! Status report, Piett....Admiral Piett ?

ADMIRAL PIETT'S BODY IS LITERALLY SHAKING VIOLENTLY WITH MASSIVE BEADS OF SWEAT RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE AS HE IS ALSO STANDING IN A PUDDLE OF HIS OWN YOU KNOW WHAT.

PIETT ( with a frightened expression ) : Lord Vacuous, our... ships have completed their scan of the area and found nothing. If the Millennium Fountain went into lightspeed, it'll be on the other side of the galaxy by now

VACUOUS : Alert all commands. Calculate every possible destination along the last know trajectory. Also alert the U.S. Marshall's department, I hear that Tommy Lee Jones really knows how to track down these scum sucking lowlifes

PIETT : Yes, my Lord. We'll find them

AT THOSE WORDS, A CAPTAIN STANDING NEXT TO PIETT SLAPS HIS FOREHEAD WITH HIS HAND AS IF TO SAY, DAMN, HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID. ANOTHER CAPTAIN JUST SOLEMNLY SHAKES HIS HEAD. PIETT FINALLY REALIZES THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE EVEN UTTER THOSE WORDS.

VACUOUS ( As he puts his gloved hand on the side of Piett's sweating face) : You know, Piett, In a galaxy filled with incompetents, morons and a*******, it is soooo refreshing to find that one man... can still make a difference. A man like you, who understands... the bleak.. and dismal penalty for failure. A man like you, who knows that if you **** up, you can kiss your life goodbye... and feel good in doing that,'cause you knew from the start what would happen ! ( he is now gesturing ) A man like you... is sooooo hard to find. I am glad that YOU wont fail me , admiral......other than that ( he slaps the face of Piett twice ), keep up the good work !

PIETT : Did I say that sir ? what I meant to say was....uhhhh I think..we may be able to find them...uhhhh sir ?...Lord Vacuous ?

VACUOUS EXITS AS THE ADMIRAL TURNS TO AN AIDE. THE AIDE ONLY LOOKS AT HIM AS THE TWO CAPTAINS CONTINUE TO LOOK AROUND THE ROOM

PIETT ( In a choked crackling voice ) : Alert...arrrhmmmm....Alert all commands. Deploy the fleet.

GUARD AT THE SIDE ON POST ( Silently to himself ): Thank GOD, I'm just a low level lackey.

EXT. SPACE- IMPERIAL FLEET

VACUOUS' SHIP MOVES AWAY, FLANKED BY ITS FLEET OF SMALLER SHIPS. THE AVENGERS GLIDES OFF INTO SPACE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. NO ONE ON THAT SHIP OR VACUOUS' IS AWARE OF THE MILLENIUM FOUNTAIN CLINGING TO THE AVEGERS HULL

INT-FOUNTAIN-COCKPIT

HANDS: If they follow standard operating procedure, they'll dump their garbage before going to lightspeed.

LEE: And we just float away with the garbage. (Kisses him on the cheek) You do have your moments. Not many of them, but you do have them.

GHOST OF BEEN-THERE: Hey, I said that line to myself four movies ago. Does anyone remember??

HANDS AND LEE PULL OUT THEIR COPIES OF THE STAR WARS HUMOROUS VERSIONS.

HANDS: Yeah, there it is, you were in a similar situation to this with Mango Fett, in another Asteroid belt. Impressive.

BEEN-THERE: Thanks. (He fades).

HANDS Searches the computer registry.

HANDS: Now we just have to find a nearby port.

LEE: NOMAD system.

HANDS: Not much there, hey wait a minute, this is interesting, BILLY DEE.

LEE: Billy Dee System?

HANDS: Billy Dee's not a system, he's a man. Card player, gambler, scoundrel you'd like him.

LEE: Can we trust him?

HANDS: No...But he's got no love for the Umpire, I can tell you that.

LEE: Let's go.

EXT SPACE

The StarWhackers Dump their garbage and The Fountain floats away.

But another ship also floats away with them.

INT. AMISTAD I-COCKPIT

BUBBA FETT enjoys ice cream.

BUBBA FETT: Heh heh heh.

EXT. ASPIRIN SURFACE - MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

IT IS DOWN ON THE GASEOUS PLANET. HUGE BILLOWING CLOUDS FORM A CANYON AS THE SHIP BANKS LEFT. SUDDENLY, TWO TWIN-PODS CLOUD CAR ( I'M SURPRISED THEY EVEN CALL IT THAT ) APPEAR AND MOVE TOWARDS THE FOUNTAIN AND SURROUND IT.

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

ONE OF THE CLOUD CARS ( DAMN, I HATE THAT WORD...WHOEVER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT NAME NEEDS TO BE SHOT DEAD. ) OPENS FIRE ON THE FOUNTAIN ( HMMMMMM, I GUESS THAT WOULD BE OBVIOUS, SINCE ITS THE ONLY SHIP BESIDES THEIR OWN IN THE SKIES ). CHUNKY BARKS LOUDLY

HANDS ( Into transmitter ) : No, I don't have a landing permit...if I did, I would be talking to you now would I? I'm trying to reach Billy Dee Calrissian.

MORE FLAK BURST OUTSIDE THE COCKPIT WINDOW WHICH RATTLES THE SHIP'S INTERIOR. EVERYONE INSIDE IS SLIGHTLY SHAKEN UP.

HANDS ( Into transmitter ) : Whoa ! Wait a minute, you a******* ! Let me explain...this is a consular ship...and we're on a diplomatic mission.

INTERCOM VOICE : If this is consular ship, then where is the ambassadors ?. Well in any case, you will not deviate from you present course.

STINKY-O : I swear, this sad story of four people in a ship with no place to go except straight to hell, just keeps getting better and better.

LEE : I thought you knew this person

CHUNKY BARKS AND GROWLS AT HANDS. THE SOUNDS THAT HE MAKES THE PILOT SLIGHTLY NERVOUS

HANDS ( To Chunky ) : Well, that was a long time ago. And nobody can prove that I said his acting sucked in " Batman".

INTERCOM VOICE : Permission granted to land on platform three-two-seven-five-nine- nine-four-six-eight-seven-four-two-five-nine-two-cyberdine systems model one-zero-one. This is very important because you must memorize it in order to land on the platform.

HANDS ( With a blank look on his face talking to transmitter ) : Uhhhhhhh...yeah.

HE SWITCHES OFF THE INTERCOM. CHUNKY LOOKS AT HIM AND GRUNTS AND GROWLS. HANDS TURNS TO HIS FRIEND

HANDS : Now, theres nothing to worry about. We go way, way back, Billy Dee and me. I mean sure , he may be a ruthless gangster and a cold blooded dealer of death. But one thing he ain't....is a killer. So don't worry, eh.

LEE ( With a I'm not convinced look ) : Who's worried ? I was only thinking on how dramatic it would be to die without a laserproof vest in the middle of nowhere...nothing for me to get excited about.

THE FOUNTAIN FLIES THROUGH THE BEAUTIFUL SKIES WITH THE GREATEST OF EASE. AS THE TWO CLOUD.....CARS STILL GUARDING IT. THEY SOON COME TO THE CITY AND FLY THROUGH SOME OF ITS BUILDINGS. THE FOUNTAIN SOON COMES TO THE LANDING PLATFORM AND LANDS THE SHIP.

EXT. CLOUD CITY- LANDING PLATFORM - DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

HANDS AND LEE STAND AT THE OPEN DOOR, BEHIND THEM WALKS UP CHUNKY AND STINKY-O. THEY ALL ARE SURVEYING THE AREA WHICH HAS THE LOOK OF BEING A GHOST TOWN.

STINKY-O : Hmmmm, well looks like nobody's home, let get back in the ship and blast off, now.

LEE : I don't like this. This scene reminds me of a part in "The Godfather." Where Sonny went to help his sister and he got ambushed by Don Barzini's guys. They plugged him with so many holes, that they could use him to make a commercial promoting swiss cheese.

HANDS ( Looking at Lee with a blank look on his face ) : Okaaaaaaay. Don't worry, baby..it'll be alright. They did let us land you know. Trust me , everything gonna be fine.

STINKY-O ( Sarcastically ) : Yeah, until we all get shot dead in the street, because you didn't have the ***** to confess that you thought your friend's acting sucks.

HANDS ( To Stinky-O ) : Thank you....I really did..wanted you to mention that... little bit of information.

INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR - DAY

BILLY DEE CALRISSIAN, A SUAVE, DASHING, CARD PLAYER, RAP MOGUL, AND ALL AROUND LADIES MAN WHO ISNT FREAKY OR DISGUSTING, LEADS A TOUGH LOOKING GROUP OF ARMED MUSCULAR AIDS OUT THE ELEVATOR AND DOWN THE WALKWAY.

EXT. LANDING PLATFORM - DOOR OF MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

HANDS ( To Lee ) : See ? My friend. ( He walks over to Chunky) Keep your eyes open, mm?

INT. CLOUD CITY - LIVING QUARTERS - DAY

WITHIN THE FANCY PANTS SWANKY PARK AVE. QUARTERS ASSIGNED TO HER ON CLOUD CITY, LEE PACES IN AGITATION AND LACK OF BLADDER CONTROL. SHE IS IN SEXY OUTFIT WHEN HANDS COMES IN

HANDS : The ship is almost finished, baby. Two or three more things and we're in great shape. I could have done it myself, but I wanted the little people to have a crack at it.

LEE : The sooner the better. Something's wrong here. No one has seen or knows anything about Stinky-O. He's been gone too long without no one reporting that he slapped someone or cursed out an infant.

HANDS TAKES LEE BY THE SHOULDERS AND SLIPS HIS TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT WITH A SENSUOUS FRENCH KISS.

LEE : Mmmmmm, That was nice....I think we need a little bit more 'private' time..but I was in the mist of saying something important.....Uhhhhhhhh, what was I saying ?
Oh, yes.....Stinky-O !

HANDS : What about him ?

LEE ( Pauses ):Uhhhhhhh...it escapes me at the moment...... ( she pauses again ) Oh yeah, he's been gone too to have gotten lost.

HANDS : Well with him being gone, things have become a lot more simpler. I don't know if we should complain.

LEE : Hmmmm, you do have a point.

HANDS : Besides, I'll talk to my good friend, the suave and smooth talking Billy Dee and see what I can find out

LEE : I don't trust no suave, smooth talking, beer drinking, pimp of a man with a name like Billy Dee

HANDS : Well, I trust Billy Dee. He's my best friend. He has many faults and being a lowlife, scum sucking traitor isn't one of them. Y'know Lee, you need to be a little more trusting to your fellow man, this is a side of you I don't particularly care for. Besides, we'll soon be gone from here.

LEE : And then you're as good as gone aren't you ?

HANDS ( Looking around ) : Uhhhhhh, there are... other things that I have to do. So Y'know....

LEE ( Highly pissed off ) : I knew it ! You lied to me ! You followed me, stimulatingly harassed me. Then after you finally seduced me, felt me up and had your way wih me...not once, but three times, you wanna cast me aside like yesterdays national enquirer ?!

HANDS : Seduced you ? Lee, c'mon, you don't expect me to....

LEE ( Interrupting him ) : Y'know, when I think of all the times you did your deed, lying your a** off, saying that you loved me, promising me a better life after we escape from the empire, it just makes me wanna puke !

HANDS IS SWEATING BULLETS WHEN THE DOOR ZAPS OPEN AND CHUNKY COMES IN , CARRYING A PACKING CASE OF STINKY-O. ARMS, LEGS AND OTHER BODY PARTS IS FILLED TO THE TOP. BOTH HANDS AND LEE START TO LAUGH OUT LOUD.

LEE : Hehehehe, what happened ?

CHUNKY SETS THE CASE ON A TABLE, GRUNTING AND GROANING N EXPLANATION

HANDS : Where ? You found him in a junk pile ?...somebody, finally beat us to putting that stuck up droid out of his misery.

LEE : Hehehehe, Yeah, but we still might need him. What a mess. Chunky, do you think you can repair him.

THE GIANT COOKIE STUDIES THE ARRAY OF ROBOT PARTS. HE LOOKS AT THE PRINCESS AND STARTS TO GIVE A BIG COOKIE LAUGH.

HANDS ( Very excited ) : Billy Dee's got people who can fix him.

LEE ( Annoyed look on her face ) : What are you two ? Spit brothers ?, I don't care about Billy Dee's peoples. Thanks, but no thanks.

THERE IS A BUZZ AND THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN, REVEALING THE SUAVE AND GHETTO FABULOUS, BILLY DEE, A MAN WHO ISNT FREAKY OR DISGUSTING

BILLY DEE : I'm sorry. Am I interrupting anything ?

HANDS : Not really, I was just telling Lee that she looks absolutely beautiful. And that she truly belongs here among the clouds.

BILLY DEE : I think you two are just perfect for each other. Even though you may argue from time to time, you both have a deep bond between you. I am truly happy for you two.

LEE ( Eyes wide in shock, she give a devilish grin ) : You know, You ain't ****, Billy Dee, easy for you to say after you've just 'scored' with another man's girlfriend.

THE ENTIRE ROOM GOES INTO A DEEP SILENCE. HANDS SLOWLY TURNS TOWARDS BILLY DEE

BILLY DEE: Care to join me for a refreshment? Everyone's invited, of course.

INT-ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY-HALLWAY:

BILLY DEE: I've had supply problems of every kind, labor difficulties...

They walk by a huge windo that wasn't there before The Special Editions.

HANDS: Well aren't you afraid the Empire will discover this little operation, shut you down?

BILLY DEE: Hands, about that....

He opens the big white door.

At the other end of a long white table is Darth Vacuous, Bubba Fett at his side. Several Stomptroopers form up behind Hands and Lee and CHUNKY.

HANDS fires his blaster several times at Vacuous, who blocks his blasts with his glove, then Vacuous Force-grabs Hand's gun out of his hand.

VACUOUS: We would be honoured if you would be our prisoner.

HANDS: W**?

BILLY DEE: I had no choice, they arrived just before you did.

LEE: This is one of those times when 'I told you so...just won't cut it.

EXT. MARCUS'S X-WING - ASPIRIN SYSTEM

Marcus's X-Wing speeds towards the planet of Aspirin.

INT. MARCUS'S X-WING - COCKPIT

Marcus is squirming and fidgeting in his seat.

MARCUS: Oh, man. I knew I should have gone before I left Dayglobah!

ARTOO: Ah, the joys of being a robot. No worries, no pressure...

MARCUS: Ah! Don't say that word!

ARTOO: Hey, look at all those storm clouds on the planet. Looks like rain's coming. Gallons of water, falling from the sky, dripping, dripping...

MARCUS: Just hang on. We're almost there.

ARTOO: Here, I'll play something to calm you down. How about "Sounds of the Rainforest"?

MARCUS: I'll kill you!!

INT. ASPIRIN - CLOD CITY (NO, THAT'S NOT A TYPO) - PRISON ENTRY AREA

Darth Vacuous strides through the room as two stomptroopers prepare an elaborate restraining mechanism. Hands is strapped to a rack that keeps him from moving.

HANDS: Go ahead and torture me! I won't crack.

VACUOUS: Oh, I believe you will. You don't even know what kind of suffering is in store for you.

HANDS: You forget, I've been locked on a ship with Lee and Stinky-O.

Vacuous merely smiles, then steps aside as another figure enters the room.

STINKY-O: Hello, Captain Solo! The Imperials were kind enough to repair my motivator, so I'm back to my old cheerful self!

INT. CLOD CITY - HOLDING CHAMBER

The door opens, and Vacuous leaves the torture chamber just as Hands screams a sharp, piercing cry of agony. In the holding chamber, Bubba Fett, GENERAL RIKKAN, and Billy Dee await Vacuous.

BILLY DEE: Lord Vacuous!

VACUOUS: (to Fett) You may take Solo to Pizza the Hutt after I have Streetwalker.

BUBBA FETT: He's no good to me dead.

VACUOUS: He will not be permanently damaged. He might want to favor his other leg for a while, though.

RIKKAN: ******' A.

BILLY DEE: What about Lee and the Cookiee?

VACUOUS: They must never again leave this city. We'll get some of those little house arrest anklets for them.

BILLY DEE: That was never a part of our arrangement, nor was giving Hands to this bounty hunter!

Whack

VACUOUS: Why are you so pissed? Listen a little closer this time. LEE CAN NEVER LEAVE THIS CITY. SHE MUST SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE UNDER YOUR SUPERVISION.

RIKKAN: Damn straight, man. Stop your whining. The only other option is to kill her.

BUBBA FETT: She's no good to him dead. Well, not much good, at least.

VACUOUS: Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?

BILLY DEE: No. No, of course not.

VACUOUS: Good. It would be unfortunate if I had to leave a chaperone here.

The elevator doors close on Vacuous.

BILLY DEE: (clenching a fist) This date keeps getting worse all the time . . .

INT. CLOD CITY - LARGE CELL

Chunky sits alone. A door slides open, and a ragged Hands Solo is shoved into the room by two stomptroopers. Barking his concern, the Cookiee picks Hands up. Hands is . . . well, to be honest, he looks like hell.

HANDS: I feel terrible.

Whack

HANDS: Oh, thanks! Now I feel soooo much better!

The door opens again, and Lee walks in, chatting softly with the guard. She laughs at some joke, then waves goodbye as the door shuts.

LEE: Wow! Can you believe how well they're treating us here? This is the nicest captivity I can remember.

Hands and Chunky stare at her.

LEE: What, you didn't like your spas?

HANDS: You got a spa?

LEE: Yeah. It was right after the massage.

HANDS: You got a massage?!

LEE: Well, you had a choice of that or being tortured by Stinky-O. They asked me which I wanted, I told them.

HANDS: They never even asked me any questions.

LEE: Sucks to be you.

The door slides open yet again. This time, Billy Dee enters.

LEE: Billy Dee.

HANDS: Get out of here, Billy!

BILLY DEE: Shut up and listen! Now, Vacuous has agreed to turn Lee and Chunky over to me.

HANDS: You?!

LEE: Tough but fair. Deal.

BILLY DEE: There's more! And it's bad news.

LEE: We don't get any more spas?

BILLY DEE: No.

HANDS: Vacuous is going to give me to the bounty hunter?

BILLY DEE: Yes.

LEE: But we stil get the spas, right?

BILLY DEE: Yeah.

LEE: So what's the problem?

HANDS: Hey! I'm standing right here, you know!

LEE: Not for long, you won't be. Say hi to Pizza for me.

HANDS: Vacuous wants us all dead!

Bubba Fett sticks his head in the door.

BUBBA: You're no good to him dead.

HANDS: Will you stop saying that!?!

BILLY DEE: Look, Vacuous isn't interested in you at all. He's after someone called Streetwalker. Lord Vacuous has set a trap for him.

LEE: And we're the bait!

Whack

LEE: Ow!

BILLY DEE: Yeah, well it worked. He's on his way.

HANDS: You fixed us all real good, didn't you? My friend!

He stands up, balling his hands into fists. Instantly, the two guards next to Billy Dee snap their rifles up to point right in his face. Hands stops, looks around sheepishly for a moment, then sits back down.

HANDS: Uh . . . my leg cramped up.

BILLY DEE: I've done all I can. Sorry I couldn't do better, but I got my own problems.

HANDS: Yeah, you're a regular hero.

LEE: Oh, will you stop your b****ing? He got me and Chunky off, what more could you ask for?

HANDS: How about getting me off?

LEE: Now you're just being ridiculous.

HANDS: (whining) But I don't wanna be given to the bounty hunter!

LEE: Stop it!

Whack

Hands hits the floor, unconscious.

BILLY DEE: (smirking) You certainly do have a way with people.

INT. CLOD CITY - CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER

Armor-suited stomptroopers stand at the ready in a large chamber, filled with pipes and tanks. In the middle of the room is a round pit housing a hydraulic platform. Darth Vacuous, Billy Dee, and GENERAL RIKKAN stand near the platform.

VACUOUS: This facility is crude, but it should be adequate to freeze Streetwalker for his journey to the Emperor.

EXTRA: Lord Vacuous, ship approaching. X-Wing class.

VACUOUS: Good. Monitor Streetwalker and allow him to land.

BILLY DEE: Lord Vacuous, you haven't been listening to me. This isn't a carbon-freezing chamber, it's an ice cream factory. You put him in there . . . it could bury him in rich, creamy goodness.

BUBBA FETT perks up, interested.

VACUOUS: I do not want the Emperor's prize damaged.

RIKKAN: Test it on that Solo punk.

VACUOUS: Hey, I like the way you think!

RIKKAN: Thanks! (to Billy Dee) Hey, why are you so sad?

BILLY DEE: Oh, I just have to look upset so everyone knows I'm really a nice guy and plan to save them after all.

RIKKAN: Gotcha.

EXT. ASPIRIN - MARCUS'S X-WING

Marcus's X-Wing speeds through the clouds.

INT. MARCUS'S X-WING - COCKPIT

Marcus sits perfectly still, staring directly ahead, his face set.

ARTOO: Do you have a spare flight suit you can-

MARCUS: Shut up.

(Pause.)

ARTOO: Look, when I played the tape, I never thought you would actually-

MARCUS: Shut up.

(Pause.)

ARTOO: Hey, at least you got it over with, right?

(Marcus's face twitches.)

INT. ASPIRIN- CLOD CITY - CARBON-FREEZ- ER, ICE CREAM FACTORY

There is great activity on the freezing platform. Six funky-looking midgets are finishing preparing the chamber. Hands, Lee, Chunky, and Stinky-O are led into the chamber.

HANDS(to Billy Dee): What's going on . . . buddy?

BILLY DEE: You're being put into Tripple Ripple Fudge.

BUBBA FETT: What if he doesn't survive?

VACUOUS: Then he'll be dead. And two plus two is four. Any other questions you wanted me to clear up?

BUBBA: He's no good to me-

Whack

VACUOUS: WHAT did Lee say about SAYING that?

He motions to several stomptroopers, who begin pushing Hands onto the platform. With a loud roar, Chunky rips off one of Stinky-O's legs and starts clubbing stomptroopers with it.

STINKY-O: (hopping) Hey! I was using that!

Stomptroopers rush around him, but Chunky bats them left and right. Suddenly, Hands breaks free and runs up to him.

HANDS: Hey, hey! Listen to me, Chunky. There'll be another time. The princess--you have to take care of her. You hear me?

Lee sniffs.

HANDS: And Stinky-O--you gotta put his leg back on. Sure, you may have ripped it off, but someone has to reattach it, and who better than the mindless brute who tore it off in the first place?

STINKY-O: Can't argue with that.

HANDS: And little Timmy, the sick orphan on Corellia--we need to raise money for his operation, and with me double-dipped and covered with chocolate, you'll be the only one to-

RIKKAN: Oh, for C*****'* sake, freeze the son of a b**** and let's get on with our lives!

HANDS: Hey, maybe you don't realize it, but because of you I'm going to be a garden sculpture in Pizza's palace in a couple of days.

RIKKAN: You're breaking my ******' heart. Maybe I'll drop by every couple of years and hose the pigeon **** off you.

VACUOUS: Look, I hate to break this up, but I have a long-lost , um...son to capture, so if you don't mind?

BUBBA: (grumbling) He'd better survive this.

VACUOUS: I'm so glad you're concerned with everyone's survival. (he begins pointing around the room) Well look, he survived, I survived, you survived...

BUBBA: It's just the money, all right?

VACUOUS: We oughta form a band. Call ourselves 'The Survivors'.

BUBBA: Sc*** you.

VACUOUS: Whatever you say, sport. Now put him in already!

Hands turns to Princess Lee. They look sorrowfully at one another, then Hands moves towards her and gives her a final, passionate kiss.

LEE: I'm pregnant.

HANDS: I kno- YOU'RE WHAT!?!

Two funky midgets start dragging him into the pit.

LEE: I meant to tell you sooner, but I wanted to wait until I really knew for certain.

Slowly, a massive pair of hydraulic tongs lift the frozen space pirate out of the vat and place him on the platform. Several funky midgets gather around and push him over. Slowly, they begin dancing around Hands while music starts playing.

MIDGETS: Oompa loompa doompity doo,
We're not all frozen, it sucks to be you.
Oompa loompa doompity dee,
I hope that Lord Vacuous doesn't freeze me.
Oompa loompa doompity day,
Here comes Bubba Fett to take you away.
Oompa loompa doompity doo,
We'll hose the pigeon **** off of you!

BILLY DEE: Hey! I thought I told you guys no more singing!

MIDGETS: Oompa loompa doompity dass,
Why don't you take your thumb out of your-

BILLY DEE: Get the hell out of here!

He shoos them away from Hands, and bends down to read an electrical device set into the side of the ice cream.

VACUOUS: Well, Calrissian? Did he survive? (he turns to Bubba Fett) Ha! Beat you to it!

BUBBA FETT: Damn!

BILLY DEE: Yes, he's alive. And in perfect hibernation.

VACUOUS: He's all yours, bounty hunter. Reset the chamber for Streetwalker.

EXTRA: Streetwalker has just landed, my lord.

VACUOUS: Good. See to it that he finds his way here. (eyeing Lee) Calrissian, bring the princess to my ship.

ION CANNON CHICK: Hey!

VACUOUS: Er, bring the princess and the Cookiee to my ship for . . . questioning. Yes, that's it.

(Old reference. Check way back to the invasion of Hot if you've forgotten about that scene.)

BILLY DEE: You said they would be left in the city under my supervision! And before that, you said you wouldn't give Hands to the bounty hunter! And before *that*, you said you just wanted to chat with them over coffee!

VACUOUS: Yes, well what I said was true. From a certain point of view. (There is a brief pause before Vacuous bursts out laughing) Man, I've always wanted to say that. I can't believe I kept a straight face.

BILLY DEE: But we had a deal!

VACUOUS: Face the facts, buddy, I'm in charge here. In fact, I don't like that couch where you've got it. Move it over to that viewport, that way you'll get a nice view of the sunset.

BILLY DEE: You said the couch would be left against the wall!

VACUOUS: I am rearranging your furniture. Pray I don't rearrange it any further. Now dance for me! Dance!

BILLY DEE: Now you're just being silly.

VACUOUS: (with a menacing wave of the hand) Perhaps you think you're being treated unfairly?

BILLY DEE: Perhaps I think I am being treated unfairly.

VACUOUS: Whoops, wrong hand wave.

INT. ASPIRIN - CLOD CITY - CORRIDOR - DAY

As Marcus and Artoo move carefully down a deserted corridor, they hear a group of people approaching. Bubba Fett enters from a side hallway, followed by two guards carrying Hands by a big wooden stick that's been stuck into the ice cream. (Think popsicle) Mustering all of his Jedi training, Marcus glides down the hall, making no more noise than a gentle breeze. Carefully peering around the corner, he trips over his shoelaces and plummets into a pile of precariously stacked cans.

*CRASH CLATTER BANG SMASH "OW!" CLATTER "WHOA!" RATTLE P-TANG CRASH CRASH "OY!" WOBBLE WOBBLE wobble*

TROOPER 1: What was that?

TROOPER 2: Nothing. Outgassing. Don't worry about it.

Another group of Imperials round the corner with Lee, Chunky, Billy Dee and RIKKAN in tow.

LEE: Nice. You really need to work on your rescues, you know that?

MARCUS: Hey, this is harder than it looks!

LEE: Yeah, right. At this rate, you'll probably let Vacuous cut your hand off.

MARCUS: Yeah, sure. And you're my long-lost twin sister. Whatever.

RIKKAN: Enough already! G**, all you people do is talk, talk, talk.

He drags Lee through another corridor, and the rest of the Imperials follow him. Marcus dashes after them, only to pass by a corridor with a sign saying, "This way to climactic brightsabre duel with Darth Vacuous." Marcus is torn, trying to decide which way to go.

MARCUS: Oh, man . . . what would Yoga do?

A ghostly blue figure of the Jedi Master appears.

YOGA: Kick some a**!

MARCUS: YIPPEE!

study3600 · 12/22/2023 7:00 pm

INT. CLOD CITY - ICE CREAM FACTORY

Marcus rises into the chamber, borne by a platform. The room is deathly quiet. Very little steam escapes from the pipes, and no one else seems to be in the large room. Warily, Marcus walks toward the stairway. Suddenly, the lights are turned on. Looking up through the steam, Marcus sees a figure standing on the walkway above him. Confident and brash, young Streetwalker ascends the stairway to face the dark lord.

VACUOUS: The Force is with you, young Streetwalker. But you are not a Jedi yet.

MARCUS: Oh, yeah? Watch *this*!

With a sudden movement, Marcus whips his hands up, bringing to the ready . . . nothing.

VACUOUS: Watch what?

MARCUS: What the hell!?

He starts patting his pockets frantically.

VACUOUS: Looking for something?

He holds up Marcus's brightsabre.

MARCUS: What the- How the hell did you get that!?

VACUOUS: Oh, please. I can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

He ignites his own brightsabre.

VACUOUS: Now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.

MARCUS: Oh, man. (he looks upward) Master Yoga, I need your guidance!

A ghostly blue figure of the diminutive Jedi Master appears.

YOGA: (shaking his head) For two months do I train you, and the best you can offer this is. Screwed you are, young Streetwalker.

VACUOUS: Hey! No coaching during the final battle! Get lost, you little runt!

Yoga disappears.

MARCUS: Oh, great.

He backs away as Vacuous approaches slowly, his mind racing as he tries to think of a way out of this situation.

MARCUS: Uh . . . look behind you!

VACUOUS: What?

He turns around. The instant his back is turned, Marcus bolts.

VACUOUS: I don't see anything. What am I supposed to be looking for- hey! Come back here!

INT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - CORRIDOR

Lee, Billy Dee, Chunky, RIKKAN, and Stinky-O (hopping on one leg) march along, guarded by stomptroopers. The group reaches an intersection, where a dozen of Billy Dee's guard stand ready. Rather than doing something intelligent for a change, the stomptroopers stand around while Billy Dee takes their guns.

BILLY DEE: Good work. Hold them in the security tower, and keep it quiet.

LEE: What do you think you're doing?

BILLY DEE: We're getting out of here.

LEE: Why?

BILLY DEE: Because we have to have a plot.

He finishes freeing Chunky's hands. With a loud roar, Chunky runs over to GENERAL RIKKAN. RIKKAN takes one look and starts running away.

RIKKAN: Hey! Get this thing away from me!

LEE: After what you did to Hands? Get 'im, Chunky!

RIKKAN trips and falls down. In one swift motion, Chunky reaches down, rips off his legs, and starts beating him with them.

RIKKAN: OW! Damnit, I needed those!

STINKY-O: Chunkalunk, stop it this instant, you're being foolish! Use my leg, it's heavier!

(Chunky shrugs, then rips off Stinky-O's other leg and starts hitting RIKKAN with it.)

STINKY-O: Not that one, you furry oaf! It was my last one!

BILLY DEE: I hate to break this up, but there's still a chance to save Hands.

LEE: Shut up, I'm trying to watch.

BILLY DEE: I'm only trying to help.

LEE: We don't need any of your help.

RIKKAN: No, he's-

Whack

RIKKAN: -right. We ha-

Whack

RIKKAN: -have to have a-

Whack

RIKKAN: -plot, remember?

Whack

RIKKAN: WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT!?!

CHUNKY: Rowgh. (subtitled: No.)

Whack

LEE: Damnit, he's right. Come on, Chunky, let's go.

Chunky picks up Stinky-O and slings him onto his back before running after Lee and Billy Dee.

RIKKAN: I knew I shouldn't have beaten the Wookiee at that game of holo-chess.

EXT. ASPIRIN -CLOD CITY - EAST LANDING PLATFORM - BUBBA FETT'S SHIP-AMISTAD I

BUBBA: Put Captain Solo in the freezer.

IMPERIAL: I dunno. You sure he'll survive that?

BUBBA: Oh, ha ha ha. Very funny.

INT. ASPIRIN -CLOD CITY - CORRIDOR

Billy Dee, Lee, and Chunky run down a Clod City corridor. Artoo rushes after them, beeping wildly.

STINKY-O: Artoo! Quick, we're trying to save Hands from the bounty hunter!

INT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - ICE CREAM FACTORY

Vacuous is chasing Marcus around the freezing pit.

VACUOUS: Come back here and fight me like a man, you little wussy!

MARCUS: No!

Looking back over his shoulder, Marcus accidently trips over a length of pipe, sending it flying at Vacuous. The pipe hits Marcus' brightsabre and knocks it off Vacuous' belt, where it flies directly into the young Jedi's hand.

MARCUS: (looking at the sabre) Huh?

VACUOUS: Very clever.

MARCUS: Uh . . . yeah! Yeah, I meant to do that.

He ignites his sabre and moves to face Vacuous.

VACUOUS: You have learned much, young one.

MARCUS: You'll find I'm full of surprises.

Vacuous catches Marcus' blade on his own, and with a quick twist, sends his weapon flying through the air.

MARCUS: Uh . . . surprise?

Vacuous swipes at his feet, forcing Marcus to jump back. Losing his balance, Marcus falls down the stairs to the freezing pit. Stunned, he looks up just in time to see Vacuous flying down towards him like a giant black bird. Which, if you've never had happen to you, is quite disconcerting.

VACUOUS: Your destiny lies with me, Streetwalker. Ob-Ewan knew this to be true.

MARCUS: Enough with all this destiny crap!

VACUOUS: Er . . . beg pardon?

MARCUS: Everyone's always telling me my destiny. Stay at the farm, Marcus. Come with me to All-Drained, Marcus. Stay and complete the training, Marcus. Stop using your brightsabre to open cans, Marcus. Don't tease the dog, Marcus. Where has that finger been, Marcus?

VACUOUS: Oh, enough already!

He Force-palms Marcus into the freezing pit, and activates the controls.

VACUOUS: Geez. I'm starting to wonder if this is really worth the effort.

Something blurs upward out of the pit. It is Marcus, who has leapt fifteen feet straight up to slam his head into the ceiling.

Whack

MARCUS: Ow!

Vacuous nods.

VACUOUS: Impressive.

As he starts to fall, one of Marcus' feet gets entangled in the pipes, and he is left hanging upside down.

VACUOUS: Most impressive.

Marcus' foot slips out of the tangle of pipes, and he lands heavily on the platform.

VACUOUS: Ob-Ewan has taught you well. You have learned to control your power.

Marcus staggers to his feet, brightsabre in hand. He fixes a somewhat woozy look on Vacuous.

VACUOUS: Okay, maybe 'control' is too strong a word. But now you must release your anger! Only your hatred can defeat me!

MARCUS: I must admit, you are my better.

VACUOUS: Then why are you smiling?

MARCUS: Because I know something that you don't.

VACUOUS: And what is that?

MARCUS: I am not left-handed!

Marcus tosses his brightsabre into his other hand and comes after Vacuous with a blindingly fast attack combination. The Dark Lord is pushed back to the edge of the platform, where he loses his balance and falls off.

Marcus twirls his brightsabre twice before deactivating it.

MARCUS: All too easy.

INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR LEADING TO LANDING PLATFORM

BILLY DEE, CHUNKY, LEE AND THE DROIDS COME ROUND A CORNER AND HEAD FOR THE DOOR TO THE LANDING PLATFORM, BILLY IS SEEN PUSHING A SERIES OF BUTTONS,

COMPUTER VOICE : Welcome to cloud city emergency escape landing platform..please enter name and password.

HE ENTERS THE CODES

COMPUTER VOICE : Ah, ah, ah, please enter name and password.

HE TRIES AGAIN

COMPUTER VOICE : Invalid log entry..please try again later

BILLY DEE : But I......

COMPUTER VOICE : I said....later, man !

BILLY DEE : Oooooookaaaay, who the hell changed my security codes ?!

STINKY-O : Artoo, you can tell the computer to override the security system..c'mon hurry

STINKY-O POINTS TO A COMPUTER SOCKET ON THE CONTROL PANEL. ARTOO BEEPS AND SCOOTS OVER TO THE TERMINAL AS BILLY DEE WALKS TO ANOTHER SOCKET WHERE A COMLINK SITS

BILLY DEE : Attention, this is Billy Dee Calrissian, The party's over folks , the empire has taken control of the city. Everything is in their power, even the toilet facilities ! I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm ghost like Michael Landon...Peace !

SUDDENLY ARTOO GET ELECTROCUTED BY THE SOCKET. HE PULLS OUT AS HIS METAL HEAD SPINS AROUND WITH SMOKE COMING OUT OF HIM.

BILLY DEE : This way, I'm not sticking around to lose more than my title of administrator. Galley slave doesn't suit the smooth operator that I am.

BILLY DEE, LEE, CHUNKY AND THE DROIDS FLEE DOWN THE CORRIDOR. ARTOO GIVES A SERIES OF LOUD BEEPS TO STINKY-O

STINKY-O : You lucky I'm stuck on the back of this furry mutt of a cookie, otherwise I would have slap the metal taste out your mouth. I'm an interpreter, I'm not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal... But I know the difference between your mother and the circus fat lady...your mother is bigger ! Hahahaha !

INT. CLOUD CITY - CORRIDOR

IN A PANIC, CLOUD CITY RESIDENTS ARE TRYIN TO HIGH TAIL IT OUT OF THE CITY. SOME ARE CARRYING BOXES, OTHERS ARE CARRYING OTHER PERSONAL BELONGINGS. AN ALIEN RESIDENT ACCIDENTALLY BUMPS INTO BILLY DEE

ALIEN ( screaming at the top of lungs ) : J**** Tap dancing C*****, Billy Dee, we're all gonna die !!! I don't wanna die, Billy Dee...I like the night life,... I like to boogie...on the disco....

BILLY DEE ( pimp slapping the alien resident with the back of his hand ) : Get a hold of yourself you G****** sissy !! There's no way I can save you ! Its every man for himself !!

ALIEN ( Shaking in fear ) : What about that speech that you gave to the general assembly, talking about how you will always be here to lead us through times of darkness ?!!

BILLY DEE : B**** ! I lied !!! Don't you're dumb alien country backwoods a** know anything about politics ?!

ALIEN ( Looking thoughtful and pensive ) : Is this a trick question ?

WHACK !!!

BILLY DEE : Get outta my way! I got a fountain to catch !!

OTHER STOMPTROOPERS THAT WAS PURSUING THE GROUP OF HEROES , FIRE THEIR LASER PULSE BLASTERS AT THEM. MEANWHILE ARTOO COMES UP TO THE RIGHT TERMINAL AND PLUGS IN TO OVERRIDE THE COMPUTER SYSTEM. HE GIVES A COUPLE OF BEEPS TO STINKY-O

STINKY-O ( Highly agitated ) : What the hell are you talking about it ? We're not interested in how many cable channels Yoga has in his hut ! Just open the door, moron !

CHUNKY, LEE AND BILLY DEE RETREAT ALONG THE CORRIDORS., CHUNKY AND LEE FIRING BACK WITH THEIR PULSE RIFLES.

LEE ( Glancing at chunky ) : I'm out off ammo, chunky ! Give me a extra clip, baby.

CHUNKY AS HE'S FIRING HIS WEAPON, PULLS OUT A AMMO CLIP AND FLIPS IT OVER TO LEE , WHO CATCHES IT AND RELOADS IN ONE SWIFT MOTION. SHE CONTINUES BLASTING AWAY TAKING OUT A COUPLE MORE STOMPTROOPERS.

BILLY DEE AND STINKY-O ( At the same time ) : DAMN ! YOU GO GIRL !

ARTOO GIVES A TRIUMPHANT BEEP AS THE CORRIDOR DOOR FINALLY OPENS.

STINKY-O : It's about time ! Oh, Oh..stomptroopers coming in hot pursuit..Artoo use the bat fogger device in your utility belt, that should slow them down.

ARTOO LAYS A CLOUD FOG, OBSCURING EVERYTHING, AS THE GROUP DASHES TO THE FOUNTAIN, BOARD IT, AND TAKE OFF

INT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - TUNNEL AND REACTOR CONTROL ROOM

Moving through the tunnel-like entrance, Marcus approaches the reactor room, which looks suspiciously like an empty room with a bunch of boxes and a big window. A movement to the side alerts him, and he ignites his sabre as Vacuous approaches him.

VACUOUS: You know, there's really something I should tell you.

MARCUS: And what's that?

VACUOUS: I'm not left-handed either!

MARCUS: Then hit me. If you can.

Whack

MARCUS: Ow!

VACUOUS: Like that?

MARCUS: No fair! You can't throw boxes at me!

VACUOUS: If you insist.

WHACK

MARCUS: OR LEAD PIPES!!

VACUOUS: Okay, okay. I promise I won't throw anything else at you.

MARCUS: That's better.

Vacuous waves his hand, and a huge box crashes through the window.

MARCUS: Son of a-

He is unable to finish the line before getting sucked out the window. Vacuous runs over to the edge and looks out. Marcus has caught hold of a ledge, and is dangling over the dangerous drop.

VACUOUS: A worthy foe indeed. You have not escaped yet, young--

He straightens too quickly and whacks his head on the window.

Whack

VACUOUS: Damnit!

MARCUS: (faintly) Ha-ha!

MARCUS CLIMBS ONTO A NARROW CATWALK.

VACUOUS CLIMBS OUT OF THE WINDOW OF THE SAME CATWALK. THEIR SABRES IGNITE. VAC STIKES OVER AND OVER, MARC DODGING, BLOCKING AND PARRYING EACH BLOW

VAC: Look! A naked supermodel!

MARC(Turning his head): Where?

SEIZING THE OPPORTUNITY, VACUOUS KICKS MARC IN THE CHEST, KNOCKING MARCUS ONTO HIS BACK.
VAC HOLDS HIS SABRE TO MARC'S THROAT.

VAC: You are beaten. Resistance is futile.

MARCUS: Look! A flying hippo. (there reeally is one)

VAC(looking): What the hell-?!

MARCUS SWEEPS VAC'S SABRE AWAY FROM HIS THROAT. HE RUNS OVER TO A LARGE FIN.
VACUOUS SURPRISE ATTACKS HIM.

MARC: How did you get here, you were just-

VAC: You'll find I'm full of surprises.

THEY FIGHT ON.

INT. ASPIRIN- CLOUD CITY CATWALK

VACUOUS AND MARCUS CONTINUES TO FIGHT THEIR BRIGHTSABRE BATTLE WITH NO ONE GIVING AND INCH TO EACH OTHER AS THEY SURGE BACK AND FORTH ON THE WINDY CLOUD CITY CATWALK. VACUOUS IS OBVIOUSLY MORE TRAINED THAN THE FARMERS HAND..

THEY GET TO THE END OF THE CATWALK, MARCUS IS VERY NERVOUS CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE NO WHERE ELSE TO RUN. VACUOUS SMELLS HIS FEAR AND IT DOES SMELL AWFUL, AS HE CONTINUES THE ASSAULT. MARCUS GETS TRIPPED UP AND FALLS ON THE FLOOR

VACUOUS ( pointing his saber at Marcus ) : Marcus, I don't think you realize, just exactly who it is you're dealing with here. Didn't anybody warn you about me ? Didn't Obi-Ewan tell you how I waxed his a** on the deadly star, boy.... you better start coming to your senses.

MARCUS ( scared but determined ) :Blimey, mate ! I've been besmirched ! Piss off, Vacuous.

THE YOUNG FOOL SWIPES VACUOUS' BLADE AWAY FROM HIM AS THE FIGHT CONTINUES ON. THEY BATTLE FOR A FEW MOMENTS MORE BEFORE VACUOUS SLICES OFF MARCUS' HAND IN WHICH IT FLIES DOWN THE SHAFT, BRIGHT SABRE AND ALL. MARCUS DOESN'T EVEN NOTICES HIS HAND BEING CUT OFF UNTIL

MARCUS : Okay, Vacuous, no more mister nice guy, Now I'm gonna....

HE SUDDENLY LOOKS AT HIS SEVERED HAND

MARCUS ( shocked as he continues to look ) : Wheres my weapon... wait a minute, forget the weapon, wheres my hand ?! This is the hand I use every night to....... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ( he screams in pain )

VACUOUS : Thats right, Marcus..No more free nights with theIntergalactic Playboy magazines for you. Don't make me destroy your punk a**, I swear to GOD I'll do it.

MARCUS STAGGERS BACKWARDS TOWARDS THE LARGE POST AT THE END OF THE CATWALK AS VACUOUS CONTINUES TO TEMP THE YOUNG FOOL,

VACUOUS : Marcus, you cant be a little wuss all your life. Come and join me, and I will complete your training in ways your tired old cable watching master, could never do. Ob- Ewan never told you what happen to your father..

MARCUS JUMPS TO GRAB A PART OF THE LONG POST AND HANDS ON FOR DEAR LIFE AS THE AUDIENCE IS STILL SHOCKED THAT HE DIDN'T DROP DEAD FROM THE SHOCK AND BLOOD LOSS.

MARCUS ( looking enraged ) : He told me enough !! He told me you killed him !!

VACUOUS : NO...I am your...

SUDDENLY A LOUD CELL PHONE RINGS PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH. VACUOUS GOES INTO HIS BELT TO OPEN AND TAKE THE CALL.

VACUOUS ( speaking into his phone ) : Yeah ?! Uhhhhhhh... I want 2200 on sweet lemon pie to win in the fifth. Uh huh, ...uh huh..... are you kidding me ? This is sure fire winner right here. My sources ? Who needs bookies when you have the force. Yeah, okay..let me know what happens...aight, later !

HE PUTS HIS PHONE BACK AND LOOKS AT MARCUS

VACUOUS : I'm sorry...uhhhh where was we ?

MARCUS ( looking enraged ) : He told me enough !! He told me you killed him !!

VACUOUS : NO...I am your...

SUDDENLY THE CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN, PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH. VACUOUS GOES INTO HIS BELT TO OPEN AND TAKE THE CALL.

VACUOUS ( Speaking into the phone with a more pissed off voice ) : Yeah ?! listen..I'm a little bit busy right now..can we.... uh, huh.....un huh..... hmmmmm, Linda is her name ? Did she leave a number ? No ?...damn ! Huh ?..... She can do what with her tongue....? Oh, yeah... I like that ! Laet me know the next time she call and tell her to leave a number...yeah, okay..later !

HE PUTS HIS PHONE BACK AND LOOKS AT MARCUS...AGAIN

VACUOUS : I'm really sorry....where was we again ?

MARCUS ( looking enraged ) :He told me enough !! He told me you killed him !!

VACUOUS : NO... G********!! I... am your...

SUDDENLY THE CELL PHONE RINGS AGAIN, PLAYING THE IMPERIAL MARCH. VACUOUS, WHOSE EXTREMELY PISSED AT THIS POINT, GOES INTO HIS BELT TO OPEN THE PHONE AND TAKE THE CALL.

VACUOUS ( Yelling into the phone ) : What the **** is the problem, now, you low level lackeys ?!

HIS EXPRESSION IMMEDIATELY CHANGES ONCE HE FINDS OUT JUST WHO IT IS HES TALKING TO

VACUOUS ( sounding wimpy and apologetic ) : Oh, yes sir ! Sorry, sir, I didn't know it was you on the phone, sir ! Yes, sir, I , well I already paid you back for that......interest? Pudu! Ok, Master.

Hangs up.

VACUOUS: Marcus....I am your uncle, well, like your uncle. I am your Uncle O-WAN's brother. Ob-Ewan McNobi is your father.

MARCUS: No, NO , NOOOOOOOOOOO!

VACUOUS: Join me and we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy!

MARCUS: Sc*** you! You killed my father!

Lets go of catwalk, plummets hundreds of meters down the seemingly bottomless shaft.

VACUOUS( Looks down after him): Was it something I said? Oh, I'd better get to my ship!

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

LEE SEEMS TO BE LOST IN HER OWN LITTLE WORLD. CHUNKY IS BUSY FLYING THE SHIP AS BILLY DEE DOWNS ANOTHER CAN OF COLT 45. SUDDENLY HER EYES WIDEN AS IF SHE'S MADE A STARTLING DISCOVERY

LEE : Marcus... We've gots to go back.

CHUNKY GROWLS IN SURPRISE. BILLY DEE LOOKS IN LEE'S DIRECTION AND GIVES A LOUD BURP.

BILLY DEE : Pardon me ? I thought I heard you say something juvenile.

LEE : We got to go back. I know where Marcus is

BILLY DEE ( Looking at her in shock ) I don't give a **** if you knew where Purp is, we're not going back !

CHUNKY BARKS LOUDLY AT BILLY DEE, WHO SURPRISINGLY ISN'T INTIMIDATED BY THE COOKIE.

BILLY DEE ( Looking in chunky's direction ) : The "great one" says... you can kiss his a**, Chunky. I'm not going back ! And there's nothing you can do to make me....

BILLY DEE GLANCES AT LEE AS SHE SUCKS SLOWLY ON A LOLLIPOP, MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH HIM. SUFFICE TO SAY, BILLY DEE STARTS TO SWEAT...

BILLY DEE ( Jumping to the controls ) : What the hell are we waiting for ?! Lets go save Marcus !

***********************

EXT. ASPIRIN- CLOD CITY - MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - DUSK

THE FOUNTAIN MAKES A SHARP 360 DEGREE TURN SCREECHING IN MID-AIR ( IF SUCH A THING WAS POSSIBLE ) THE SHIP FLIES FAST TOWARDS CLOD CITY.

EXT. ASPIRIN-CLOD CITY - LANDING PLATFORM

VACUOUS IS IN THE LANDING PLATFORM AS THE DEAD CARCASS OF TROOPER #5 IS SEEN SLUMPED ON THE FLOOR BESIDES HIM. HE TURNS TO LOOK AT THE FOUNTAIN DISAPPEARS INTO THE SKY. HE TURNS TO WALK AS TWO AIDES WALK UP NOT TO FAR NEXT TO HIM.

VACUOUS : Alert my star whacker to prepare for my arrival...Oh and by the way, who did I just kill back there."

EXT. BOTTOM OF CLOD CITY - WEATHER VANE

NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS, LUKE...I MEAN, MARCUS HANGS UPSIDE DOWN ON THE WEATHER VANE AS HIS BODY SHIFT TO HOLD HIM TOGETHER.

EXT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - BOTTOM OF CLOD CITY

THE FOUNTAIN DIVES TO THE UNDERSIDE OF THE FLOATING CITY. THREE TIE FIGHTERS ARE COMING INTO VIEW.

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

BILLY DEE ( Pointing out the cockpit window ) : Look, someone's up there !

WHACK !!!

LEE : Idiot ! Its Marcus.. Chunky, slow down. Slow down and we'll get under him. Billy Dee, go make yourself useful beside being a drunken smart a** who thinks he's a ladies man, open the top hatch.

BILLY DEE GIVES LEE A LONG PISSED OFF LOOK BEFORE HE SLOWLY WALKS OUT THE COCKPIT.

EXT. BOTTOM OF CLOD CITY - WEATHER VANE

MARCUS ISNT GOING ANYWHERE FOR A WHILE SO HES JUST STILL HANGING AROUND EATING A SNICKERS BAR. THE FOUNTAIN CLOSES IN ON MARCUS AS THE TIE FIGHTERS INCREASE THEIR SPEED TO WARP FACTOR 2. THE HATCH POPS OPEN WITH A HISS AND BILLY DEE REACHES OUT TO HELP THE ONE HAND, WHINING LITTLE JEDI WHO JUST GOT HIS BU** WHIPPED BY HIS UNCLE.

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - COCKPIT

FLAK BURST ALL AROUND THE SHIP AS THE FOUNTAIN SPEEDS OFF LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL. LEE AND CHUNKY STRUGGLES AT THE CONTROLS

LEE ( Into the comlink ) : Billy Dee ?

MR SCOTT ( In his usual high pitched whining Scottish voice ) : This is Scott, ma'am. I'm tellin ye, the ship can't take much more of this..I'm givin her all she's got !

LEE ( Clicking on to another channel as her voice raises ) : Billy Dee ?

FRANK RIZZO ( Sounding really pissed off ) : Hey there..rubbera****, this is Frank Rizzo. Hey look, this better be important, I'm gettin my little toe nails painted here !

LEE ( Clicking on to another channel as her voice raises ) : Billy Dee ?!

BILLY DEE ( Over the comlink ) : What ?! what do you want now ?!

LEE : Duh, helloooooo ?, whats the situation down there ?!

BILLY DEE ( Over comlink ) : Oh you mean like, is it cool to leave, now ?

LEE ( Sounding really pissed off ) : No ! I mean like, is it cool to take your can of colt 45, turn that sumb**** sideways and stick it straight UP your candya** ! What the hell, Can we leave now ?!

A LONG PAUSE OF SILENCE

BILLY DEE ( Over comlink ) : Uhhhhh yeah, Okay, lets go.

LEE SLAPS THE TOP OF HER HEAD AND SHAKES IT IN OBVIOUS DISGUST

EXT.-er I mean-

INT. VACUOUS'S SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

VACUOUS COMES UP TO THE BRIDGE AND LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AS CHIEF LACKEY NUMERO UNO, ADMIRAL PIETT APPROACHES HIM.

PIETT ( Excited voice ) : They'll be in range of our tractor beam in moments, my Lord. I told you that we would find them, didn't I tell you that I wasn't gonna fail you, sir ?

VACUOUS : Quiet , lackey ! Did your men deactivate the....Uhhh, lightspeed...No. The uhhhhhh warp factor devi...No ! Uhhhh the turbo boosters ? No, thats not it. The uhhhh you know what it is... the super speed device thingie...did they deactivate it ?

PIETT : The hyperdrive, my lord ? Yes they did !

VACUOUS : ( Mumbling under his breath ) smart @ss ! GOOD ! Prepare the welcome wagon and set your star trek phasers on..

PIETT ( Interrupting ) : Kill ?

VACUOUS : No, I said set your phasers on..

PIETT ( Interrupting ) : Kill ?

VACUOUS : NO ! I said.. only set your phasers on...

PIETT ( Interrupting ) : Kill ?

VACUOUS ( Sighing heavily with his hand on his helmet's nose ) : Yes, Piett.... You may set your phasers on kill.

PIETT : Yippeeeeee !

THE ADMIRAL RUSHES OFF AS VACUOUS ONLY LOWERS AND SLOWLY SHAKES HIS HEAD.

PIETT ( Voice only ) : Did you guys hear that ?!! Lord Vacuous gave us permission to fry the filthy rebel scum b******* , Yeah, babyyyyyyy !!!!!

VOICE ( Loud in the background ) : It's about G******* time...lets get ?em, men !!!!

VOICE # 2 ( Loud in the background) : I got first dibs on strip searching Princess Lee !!

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN

BEEPING WHILE HE WORKS, ARTOO IS BUSY CONNECTING THE WIRES TO STINKY-O, WHO IS BASICALLY ALMOST PUT BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. CHUNKY RUSHES IN THE DOORWAY AND KNOCKS STINKY-O OUT HIS WAY.

STINKY-O ( Highly pissed off ) : Look where you're going next time, you nasty dog kennel escapee ! ( Turning to Artoo ) Noisy simpleminded brute. Why the hell haven't we gone into lightspeed ? You would actually think somebody else, other than myself would know what to do in an emergency situation.

ARTOO : Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, Toot, Toot, Whistle, Whistle, Beep, Toot !

STINKY- O : Oh, you trying to be funny, Artoo ? How was I supposed know that the hyperdrive system is deactivated...wait a minute ! How you get this information ?

ARTOO : Beep, Toot, Toot, Beep, Beep, whistle, whistle, whistle, toot, beep !

STINKY-O : The city central computer droid told you this on the condition that I would hook up with her intimately ? Artoo ! You know I don't like to hook up with loose droids ! Ouch ! Pay attention to what you're doing ! Is she at least cute and shiny ?

ARTOO : Toot, Toot, Beep, Beep, whistle, whistle, whistle, toot, beep, Beep, Beep, Toot, Toot, Whistle, Beep, Sqaurrrrkk !

STINKY-O : Hmmmmm, well since you put it like that...I guess it wouldn't hurt to give her a shot. Lets go check her out, maybe she can tell us how to correct the problem while we mackin da ho !

STINKY-O AND ARTOO STARTS TO WALK AWAY AS CHUNKY IS HARD AT WORK INSIDE THE PIT. INSIDE THE COCKPIT, LEE AND BILLY DEE ( HEY ! I DIDN'T REALIZE IT BEFORE..BUT IT RHYMES - SMILE ) ARE MOVING AROUND ADJUSTING THE CONTROLS. THE SHIPS FLIES EVEN CLOSER TO THE SUPER STAR WHACKER !

INT. VACUOUS' SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

VACUOUS STANDS ON THE BRIDGE, WATCHING AS THE MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN IS CHASED BY THE TIE FIGHTERS

VACUOUS : Marcus

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SLEEPING QUARTERS

MARCUS :Unc ?

INT. VACUOUS' SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

VACUOUS : Sonny boy...come to your uncle.

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SLEEPING QUARTERS

MARCUS ( whining and moaning ) : Been, You no good lying scum bag. Why didn't you tell me ?

INT. VACUOUS' SUPER STAR WHACKER - BRIDGE

VACUOUS : Marcus...it is your destiny...to know exactly " who 's you uncle?" Hahaha

INT. MILLENNIUM FOUNTAIN - SLEEPING QUARTERS

MARCUS ( still whining ) : Your not Ob-Ewan's blood relation so you can't be my unle. Oh, you are SO dead Vacuous!....... Been...You lied to me, father! Now, I am glad that your a** is dead. I hope you're suffering in the afterlife, you lousy traitor....Now I have no one!

ARTOO: MOVE OUTTA MY WAY! (TRANSLATION: MOVE OUT OF MY WAY!)

ARTOO presses a few buttons and, viola! The Ship goes into Hyperspace, and R2 rolls backward into the pit, landing on top of HANDS.

HANDS: Ow!

INT. UMPERIAL STAR WHACKER BRIDGE

Every imperial officer sweats bullets wondering if it will be them who gets killed by the Dark Lord.
But he just stands there.

VACUOUS: Admiral Piett.

ADMIRAL PIETT (nervously): Yes, Lord Vader?

VACUOUS: Because you have to be in the next movie, I'm going to let you live.

ADMIRAL PIETT: I am most grateful, my Lord.

********************************

INT. THE BIG AWESOME REBEL SCUM FREIGHTER

MARCUS is having his robotic hand tested.

2-1B: Now you might want to practice on a balloon for a while before you shake anyone's hand, or you're libel to crush others hands to fleshy pulp.

INT. BIG AWSOME REBEL SCUM FREIGHTER-BIG WINDOW

We see Millenium Fountain taking off.

INT FOUNTAIN COCKPIT

Billy Dee Calrissian chugging a Colt 45, and smoking a Cuban cigar, listens to Marcus on the Radio.

MARCUS: We'll rendezvous at Patootie after I meet Dash Rendarr, go to Coruscant, fight Guri and Outsmart Prince Xixor.

INT. BIG AWESOME REBEL SCUM FREIGHTER

As Marcus stands lookingb out at the galaxy or Nebulae before him, Princess Lee, Ahsoka Tano, R2-D2 and Anakin Skywalker come to join him. The music rises to a crescendo.

NARRATOR: Next time on the Star Wars: Will our heroes be able to rescue Hands off grom the Vile Clutches of Pizza The Hutt? Find out next time on The Star Wars!

FADE OUT
END CREDITS

Written by:

Purp
GENERAL RIKKAN
Darth Vacuous

Contributed to by:

Lt.Cmdr.Thrawn
Gonk

A little tiny inane blurb in the middle of the lightsabre duel written by:

study3600

I met him in a swamp down in Dagoba
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda
S-O-D-A, soda

I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said "Yoda"
Y-O-D-A, Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I'm not dumb, but I can't understand
How he can lift me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I left home just a week before
And I've never ever been a Jedi before
But Obi Wan, he set me straight, of course
He said, "Go to Yoda and he'll show you the Force"

Well I'm not the kind that would argue with Ben
So it looks like I'm gonna start all over again
With my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

So I used the Force
I picked up a box
I lifted some rocks
While I stood on my head
Well, I won't forget what Yoda said

He said, "Luke, stay away from the darker side
And if you start to go astray, let the Force be your guide"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

"I know Darth Vader's really got you annoyed
But remember, if you kill him, then you'll be unemployed"
Oh, my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Well, I heard my friends really got in a mess
So I'm gonna have to leave Yoda, I guess
But I know that I'll be coming back some day
I'll be playing this part 'till I'm old and gray

The long-term contract that I had to sign
Says I'll be making these movies till the end of time
With my Yoda
Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda
Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda Yo-yo-yo-yo Yoda

A SPEAKPURPANDVACPARODY UNLMTD PRODUCTION

Finis

https://youtu.be/_Qy4IztW9Fc

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