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HALO Humorous Versionn by Darth_Revvin and continued by study, others?
Halo: Combat Devolved
Humorous Version
in Script Format
Based upon the Halo Game Script by 'Wesker'
A/N--this's written as a script, since that's what I have the most experience in parodying (which is to say--not much...heh). Just for reference, (VO) indicates a voice-over.
Also...this work is rated teen+ for not-so-graphic violence, but rather graphic language...not horribly terrible, but definitely stuff you can hear on TV after 9PM.
One last thing--this work is a parody of the game HALO:Combat Evolved, and as such is written under the Fair Use law as a satirical work. All trademarks, copyrights, and registered symbols are the property of their respective owners. No claim is made with regard to ownership of anything but my own irreverence.
Transmitter's note: My friend Darth_Revvin published this fanfic on fanfiction.net hoping he could complete it there when he was informed that they do not allow Script Format works, so they did not allow him to continue it there. He may, or I may with his permission, continue it on this website without hinderence, so in transmitting this work without one iota of change or alteration, I am fulfilling my friend's dream of being able to finish his work. If I can find him online, I can make him aware of this and if he already has the rest of this Script written, he may transmit the rest to me and I can post it here. However it happens, it is my hope that this fanfic and hopefully sequels of it, get completed.-B.L.S.K. "study3600" V
Chapter 1--the Pillar in Gotham
EXT SPACE
A SLOW CRAWL begins in bright blue type:
HALO: Combat Devolved--EPISODE I: THE CONVENT MENACE
THE EVIL CONVENT EMPIRE, LED BY GOD-ONLY-KNOWS-WHO, HAS ATTACKED THE PEACEFUL PLANET OF RETCH, TRAINING GROUND FOR SOME OF THE UNSC'S BEST AND BRIGHTEST SPECIAL FORCES UNITS. FLEEING THE DESTRUCTION, THE PILLAR IN GOTHAM RETREATS IN TO AN UNKNOWN STAR SYSTEM TO REGROUP.
WHAT THEY FIND...IS SO AMAZING, IT CAN ONLY BE DOCUMENTED ... IN A VIDEO GAME...
As the SLOW CRAWL disappears into the darkness of SPACE, PAN DOWN to reveal a large gas giant planet, and in orbit--a massive, round BAGEL-world...FLYBY a large Human ship with fighter escort...
INT UNSC Heavy Cruiser Pillar in Gotham--the BRIDGE
CAPTAIN MORGAN stands examining several displays. A holographic panel flares to life next to him, showing the miniature, glowing figure of the ship's AI, or Acrimonious Intelligence, For-tuna.
Captain Morgan: For-Tuna...all I need to know is: did we lose them?
For-Tuna: I think we both know the answer to that.
Captain Morgan: No we don't.
For-Tuna: Yes we DO.
An EXPLOSION rocks the ship. MORGAN and the BRIDGE CREW grab holds to avoid falling. The lights dim and flicker momentarily.
Captain Morgan: Ok...maybe we do.
WHACK
Captain Morgan: Rubbing the back of his head What was that for?
FOR-TUNA brings up her hand for another holographic b--ch-slap...
Captain Morgan: Ok, ok...point made. So...looking at sheaf of papers in hand, marked "HALO: Combat Evolved Script" ahem, right... We made a blind jump...how did they...
FOR-TUNA stares at him blankly
Captain Morgan: Ahem. I said, "How did they..."
WHACK
For-Tuna: rubbing back of her head and leafing through script Oh...right. Get here first? Wait, that's a sentence fragment. Who the hell wrote this tripe, anyways? A grammar school drop-out?
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FOR-TUNA's shapely female figure suddenly changes to a 350 lb STAR WARS FANGEEK, complete with coke-bottle glasses, excessive body hair, and a Yoga The All-Powerful "My lightsaber you will play with" T-shirt
Captain Morgan: Oh...my...puts hand to mouth and holds in a retch
For-Tuna: looking at new figure Oh dear.
Bungie Writers: WHACK. Stick to the script.
For-Tuna: Yes, my masters...
Bungie Writers: Much better.
FOR-TUNA'S Holographic Hottie® figure returns
FOR-Tuna: ...as I was saying--the Convent ships have always been faster. How they can go faster than "faster than light", I don't comprehend...maybe some writers would like to elaborate on that later in the script...
...Bungie Writers: rearing collective hands for a ...
For-Tuna: ducking...anyhow, somehow they managed, and as for tracking us from Retch? At Ludicrous Speed, my maneuvering options were limited.
Last edited by study3600 (7/06/2024 2:46 am)
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Captain Morgan: We were running dark, yes?
For-Tuna: Actually, my systems log reveals a crewman in section 2-21-43L left his night light on...but that is immaterial when compared with the hole we tore in space when we decelerated. Nobody could've missed that. They were waiting for us on the far side of the planet.
Captain Morgan: So, where do we stand?
Voice of Majel Barrett: You are currently on the bridge.
For-Tuna: Our fighters are currently mopping up the last of their recon picket now. However, I've isolated approach signatures from multiple CCS class battle groups...make it about three ships per group. And they'll be all over us in about 90 seconds.
Captain Morgan: Well...that does it then. Bring the ship back up to combat alert ... I want everyone at their stations.
For-Tuna: Everyone, sir?
Captain Morgan: Yes...everyone. And For-Tuna...let's give our old friend a cold one with his welcome...
For-Tuna: Oh, I've already begun.
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INT Pillar in Gotham troop bays
Throughout the ship, lights flash, sirens blare. Crew members run to their posts. MARINES don armor and grab weapons from the armory as they form up by squads on the ready line. Squat, ungainly Pigeon dropship hover slowly towards their assigned landing pads. Several WortWortWortHog light recon vehicles drive through the bays towards waiting Pigeons
PFC Hudson: running from armory to ready line next to a buff female Marine sporting a buzz-cut Hey Vasquez, you ever been mistaken for a man?
LCPL Vasquez: looking at him as she runs alongside No, have you?
As the MARINES form up in platoon formation near a Pigeon landing pad
SSGT Apone: Come on, WHAT ARE YOU!
Marine Platoon: MARINES!
SSGT Apone: Marines, here is where we show those slit-chin, bug-eyed, rat-turd SOBs that they could not have picked a WORSE enemy than the human race. We are going to blow the HELL out of those dumba** bugs, until we don't have anything left to shoot em with! Then, we are going to engage the enemy, hand-to-claw...REACH down the throats, GRAB their a**h***s, and turn them INSIDE-OUT with our BARE HANDS! Do you read me, Marines?
Marine Platoon: UUUUH-RAAAAH, STAFF SERGEANT!
SSGT Apone: growling Simply BADA**es... PACK EM IN!
The Marine platoon runs to a waiting Pigeon dropship and boards quickly, SSGT APONE counting them off as they enter and stow weapons and gear
PVT Frost: Man, I got a baaaad feeling about this drop...
PVT Dietrich: You always got a "baaad feeling about this drop"...
PVT Frost: When we come home without ya, I'll write your folks.
For-Tuna (VO): Attention all personnel, we are re-engaging the enemy. External and internal contact is imminent.
Last edited by study3600 (7/06/2024 3:50 am)
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Elsewhere on the Pillar in Gotham, SGT Johnson and his squad are boarding another Pigeon
SGT Johnson: Well...all you greenhorns wanted to see the Convent up close...today's your lucky day!
INT Cryo Room B--Control Room
Two technicians are monitoring various status boards in the control room. A panel at the far end beeps, and a message is displayed: "For-Tuna exec order 1138-B-7THX..."Tap the Keg"
Tech I: Wow...hey, look at this...
Tech II: Right. Well, let's thaw him out.
Tech I: OK...bringing systems on line. Cracking the case in thirty seconds...
Twenty-five seconds pass
Tech I: tapping foot Oh...wait, here we go...he's hot. Popping the case in five...four...three...two...one...
INT CRYO Room B--Bay
Down in the Cryo Bay, a cryo-capsule opens, spewing cold vapor as a figure emerges, almost seven feet tall, encased from head to toe in iridescent green armor with an inscription of "F8-XCK FEAR, DRINK BEER" painted in white on the chest plate. As the FIGURE stands and hops out of the cyro-tube, the assembled technicians jump back. As the FIGURE looks around, "AUSTIN-316" comes into view, stenciled on the side of the helmet
Tech I: gingerly holding out a can of Budweiser S-s-s-sorry about the quick thaw there, Chief, but we've got problems.
The helmeted head swivels directly towards the tech offering the beer...the technician takes a step back, feeling the eyes of the BASTARD CHIEF drilling into him. The CHIEF reaches out and plucks the beer can carefully from the tech's hands, extruding a straw from the underside of his helmet into the beer can, he quickly empties it and immediately crushes the empty against his helmet, tossing it aside
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Tech I: Hey Chief, we have to run some quick tests on your systems, make sure everything checks out. Follow me, please.
The TECHNICIAN walks towards the nearby target testing station, the BASTARD CHIEF following him. They run tests to ensure the suit's "look down, shoot-down" target tracking is working properly. Next there is a test of the suit's shielding system. All tests check out OK thus far
Tech I: Ok, Chief, now we have to test your...
Another EXPLOSION rocks the ship.
For-Tuna (VO): Attention.
convent boarding craft have docked. All crewmembers, prepare to repel boarders!
INT Cryo Room B-- Control Room
A lone TECHNICIAN monitors displays. A pounding is heard on the door, then a loud EXPLOSION. The solid titanium alloy door flies inward, hitting the TECHNICIAN and crushing him against the wall. Two CONVENT EL337Z exchange hi-fives in the doorway, then turn and leave
INT Cryo Room B--Cryo Bay
Tech I: Holy s--- did you se that! We gotta get out of here!
Austin-316: Now wait just a damn minute her, son. Where's the weapons at? I need some guns, right quick.
Tech I: Uhhh...good question, sir...writers?
WHACK
Tech I: rubbing back of head again Why all the WHACKing!
Bungie Writers: What'd we tell you guys about questioning the script? It's called PLOT CONVENIENCE. Now get ON with it!
Tech I: ok...anyhow, we need to get going. And there are no weapons here...leafing through script even though there will...be...later? After the PiG crashes on the surface of...
Another EXPLOSION from the hallway outside Cryo Bay--TECH I is killed instantly by a hail of shrapnel.
Bungie Writers: We tried to warn him...
Shrugging, AUSTIN-316 leaves through the hole in the wall, making his way through several tight passeges before coming to an opening, wherein there is a large firefight underway between a CONVENT BOARDING PARTY and the PiG's crew
Ganak the Runt Down in front!
GANAK ignites and throws a plasma grenade, which due to his short stature and rear guard position in the squad, lands right on the back of the EL337 leading his squad. The EL337 pinwheels his arms and falls backwards into the rest of the squad as the grenade blows, taking them all out, with the exception of GANAK. A crewman gets to within 5 yards of GANAK and unloads a full clip from his pistol at the RUNT, missing every shot.
Austin-316: approaching the crewman Hey, since your pansy a** can't use that thing, I'll take it...
Crewman: But Chief, they don't implement weapon training until the sec...
WHACK
Austin 3-16 looking at Ganak Boo.
GANAK's heart explodes in his chest, and he crumples to the ground, dead. Meanwhile, the BASTARD CHIEF (now do you see why he earned that rank?) drags the body of the crewman into the airlock where the CONVENT BOARDING CRAFT has docked, since he doesn't wish to have someone discover the body and recognize the boot-print. Facing light resistance, AUSTIN-316 makes his way to the bridge, avoiding several firefights along the way.
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INT Pillar in Gotham - - Bridge
As AUSTIN--316 enters the Bridge, he sees CAPTAIN MORGAN in the corner, conferring quietly with the ship's Executive Officer, COMMANDER BIKER. Seeing the BASTARD CHIEF, CAPTAIN MORGAN makes his way over.
Austin-316: Captain Morgan.
Captain Morgan: extending his hand for a handshake, immediately regretting it as the mechanical augmentation of Austin-316's GRIFFINDOR armor pulverizes the bones in his hand to a fine dust Wow...some grip there, Chief. Things aren't going well...For-Tuna did her best, but we never really had a chance.
For-Tuna: appearing on a nearby holographic pad A dozen Convent battlecruisers against a single Handmedown-class heavy cruiser? With those odds, I'm content with three...make that four kills. Sleep well?
Austin-316: No thanks to your driving...
For-Tuna: So you DID miss me...
Another EXPLOSION rocks the ship...aren't you wondering how many explosions a ship can take?
Captain Morgan: Report!
For-Tuna: It must've been one of their boarding parties...an it-doesn't-matter charge, I'm guessing...
DC Officer: Fire control for the MAC-N-Cheese cannon is off-line!
For-Tuna: Captain, the MAC-N-Cheese was my last last offensive option.
Random Crewman: What're we supposed to use? Harsh language!
Austin-316: Well g**-d**n**, I guess I'm armed to the F'** teeth!
EVERYONE gapes at AUSTIN-316
Austin-316: What! They show this sorta language on television all the time!
Captain Morgan: recovering his composure Well, then I'm instituting the Coleslaw Protocol, Article Two. We're abandoning the Gotham...and that means you, too, For-tuna.
For-Tuna: While you do what? Go down with the ship? Raid the liquor locker and die a happy man?
Captain Morgan: A little of both. I'm going to raid the liquor locker, then drunkenly crash the ship onto that bagel-looking thing over there--waves his good hand in the general direction of the Bagel...who knows, with all those Convent ships in the way, I might crash into a few and take them with me.
For-Tuna: With all due respect, sir...this war has enough dead heroes.
Captain Morgan: But how many died happy and drunk?
FOR-TUNA makes an obvious pause, scanning her memory...
For-Tuna: You have a point, sir. You would be the first.
Captian Morgan: I appreciate your concern, For-Tuna, but it's not up to me. The protocol is clear: Capture of a shipboard AI is completely unacceptable. That means you're leaving the ship. Lock in a selection of my favorite mixed drink recipes and upload them to the ship's dispensing system...then sort yourself out for a download. smiling The history book's beckon...
For-Tuna: crossly Aye, aye, sir.
Captain Morgan: This is where you come in, Chief. Get For-Tuna off this ship, and keep her safe from the enemy. If they capture her, they'll learn everything: force deployments, weapons research, fashion design, hardest-hitting drink recipes...
Austin-316: The location of Earth?
Captain Morgan: Oh...right. Earth. That too.
Austin-316: ... (long pause) I understand, sir.
For-Tuna: TheGotham will continue evasive maneuvers until you initiate a drinking binge. Not that you'll listen, especially once you're hammered, but I suggest letting my subroutines handle the landing...friends don't let friends fly drunk.
CAPTAIN MORGAN punches in a Rum & Coke order into the drink dispenser. He takes a sip and rolls it around a moment before swallowing.
Captain Morgan: Excellent work, For-Tuna! Thank you. Are you ready?
For-Tuna: looking around one last time I'm ready. Do it.
CAPTAIN MORGAN punches a few keys on the holopad, and FOR-TUNA- disappears. A few seconds later, a nearby screen goes blue, reading:
FATAL EXCEPTION ERROR--AI FOR-TUNA has experienced an illegal operation at 0E3775F3A1, this program must be terminated. Hit any key to continue...
Captain Morgan and Austin-316: (simultaneously) Oh S*!
For-Tuna: reappearing on holographic stand Just kidding.
Simultaneous Double-WHACK
For-Tuna rubbing head I guess now's not a good time to ask why the chicken crossed the road...
CAPTAIN MORGAN and AUSTIN-316 lock n' load another WHACK
For-tuna: Ok, ok...humans...no sense of humor. See you on the chip side!
FOR-TUNA disappears from the holographic pad again, this time a chime sounds and a small blue light appears at the base of the pedestal. CAPTAIN MORGAN pulls a MEGA-RAM FLASH CARD from the pedestal and inserts it into the base of AUSTIN-316's helmet...
Captain Morgan: Good luck, Bastard Chief.
For-Tuna (VO to Austin): Hmmmm...your architecture isn't that much different than the Gotham's...
Austin-316 (to For-Tuna): What the...? Are you for real! That's a SHIP you were in, this's my HEAD...under breath ya flamin dumba**.
Suddenly, AUSTIN-316's hath comes up reflexively and WHACKs himself in the head.
Captain Morgan: (unaware of the exchange between For-Tuna and Austin) Everything alright, Chief?
Austin-316: Yes,sir. Just thought I saw a fly on my visor. Let's get moving.
For-Tuna: (VO to Austin): Fly...hah. Just wait'll you see what happens NEXT time.
Captain Morgan: A moment, Chief. holds his sidearm out, butt-first Here, take this. I don't keep it loaded...
The CHIEF takes the pistol, reflexively loading a full clip from his ammo storage, and racks the slide, chambering a round. CAPTAIN MORGAN looks surprised.
Captain Morgan: Chief, where'd you get that ammo?
Austin-316: helmet turreting side to side as if looking around innocently I...found it? Yeah...that's it. I found it. Lying around...begins whistling
A BRIGHT LIGHTBULB appears over AUSTIN-316's helmet.
Austin-316: waves his hand to the side I'm not the droid you're looking for.
Captain Morgan: Oh...very well then. You're not the droid I'm looking for. Move along, move along.
AUSTIN-316 turns quickly and hurries off of the Bridge before CAPTAIN MORGAN realizes what's happened. He turns down a maze of corridors, eventually ending up in the middle of a huge firefight between Ship's Company, MARNES, and CONVENT forces.
Marine One: Wow...a Mark V...he's taller than I thought.
Several plasma bolts whiz past Marine 1, until one hits him in the head as he admires AUSTIN-316's armor. He crumples to the deck. As the MARINE SQUAD dives for cover, AUSTIN-316 quickly goes through the dead Marine's pockets, scavenging ammo and grenades.
Marine Two: Hey! (to his squad) Covering fire!
AUSTIN-316 makes his way past the firefight and continues through several corridors, meeting only light resistance, which he demolishes readily. As he rounds the corner into the mess hall, he finds another squad of MARINES engaged heavily in a FOOD FIGHT with a CONVENT BOARDING PARTY.
Runt One: Have some a this! Flings a LEMON MERINGUE PIE into a wall above a MARINE's head.
A MARINE SGT tosses a MINCEMEAT pie at the EL337 COMMANDER...the pie sails over the EL337's shoulder and SPLATS harmlessly against a JACKALOPE's energy shield.
Jackalope: Fast as fast can be, you'll never hit me!
ThE EL337 COMMANDER takes an empty pie tin and frisbees it across the room, decapitating a MARINE PVT, his head rolling off and neck fountaining blood.
EL337 Commander: 0WN3D! 0WN3D! 0WN3D!
AUSTIN-316 pulls the pin on a FRAG GRENADE and tosses it into the makeshift barricade the CONVENT have erected. It explodes with a WHUMP...CONVENT body parts fly and blood spatters everywhere. The MARINES advance slowly across the room, and stop at the entrance to the next hallway. A MARINE CPL peers through the hallway, pointing his MA-5B rifle down the hall.
Marine CPL: Looks clear, Chief. Good hunting!
Austin-316: Wait, you're not comin?
Marine CPL: Nope, sorry Chief. We got our AI limitation, you know. We ARE Marines, after all.
Austin-316: Right. In that case...
WHACK
AUSTIN-316 strides into the hallway, hefting his new MA-5B. He walks straight, entering a locker room. As he enters, an EL337 COMMANDO jumps out right in front of him.
EL337 Commando: 0WN3D, 0WN3D,
AUSTIN-316 cuts the EL337 down with a hail of bullets to the midsection.
EL337 Commando: Got...0WN3D.
AUSTIN-316 turns to face the body of the MARINE CPL, laying partially in the hallway.
Austin-316: Clear, my a**.
AUSTIN-316 fires a burst into the body of the MARINE, then continues through several other twisty hallways. As he nears a central junction, he hears a raging firefight in the distance. He approaches stealthily, sizing up the scene. There are several MARINES at the near end of the hallway; with a sizable CONVENT FORCE on the other side, complete with portable shields and TURRETS, manned by RUNTS. The CONVENT are laying down effective suppressing fire, pinning the MARINES down.
Marine PVT: Hey, look. It's the Chief!
Several plasma bolts stitch the crossbeam the PVT is hiding behind.
Marine SGT: Shut up over there! Don't draw fire, it pisses off the guys around you!
Several bolts of plasma, including an overcharged shot from a plasma pistol, pock the beam in front of the SGT.
WHACK
Marine LCPL (kneeling next to SGT) That's for bein a hypocrite, Sarge!
A huge CLANG reverberates through the ship.
Marine SGT: What the hell...?
For-Tuna(VO): The Convent are using our liferaft airlocks to attach boarding craft. VERY clever. Smarter than I would've thought.
The BASTARD CHIEF, seeing a dead EL337 corpse nearby, raids it for grenades, and finds several. He hefts one and, igniting it, manages to launch it 40 meters down the hallway, right onto the faceplate of the EL337 commanding the BOARDING PARTY.
EL337: RAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHH...
BOOM! The grenade explodes, sending the EL337's body flying, landing next to a nearby TURRET.
Runt manning Turret: Ohmigod, d00d! The EL337 just got 0WN3D! Look!
As the rest of the CONVENT BOARDING PARTY gathers around to look, they fail to notice the explosion of the first grenade lit off the remaining plama grenades on the EL337's Bat-Utility belt.
Jackalope: Guess that leaves me in...
WHUMP!
Several CONVENT body parts fly past the BASTARD CHIEF and the MARINES, leaving blood trails down the hall.
Marine SGT: Good work, Chief! Come on, Marines, we are LEAVING!
Captain Morgan (VO on shipwide intercom): Attention All Hands! This is the Captain. Please drink reponsibly, and always have a designated driver. Captain's Orders!
Oh, and...ABANDON SHIP!
AUSTIN-316 makes his way through several passageways, until coming to a wall with a clearsteel view into space.
For-Tuna (VO): The life rafts are launching...we should hurry.
Yet ANOTHER EXPLOSION rocks the ship. Blast doors drop, closing off the way to the nearby liferaft bay.
For-Tuna (VO): Warning, blast doors closing. We need to find way...ahhh, we'll use the ships maintenance accesses. There. Follow the nav point and it will lead you to the entrance.
The CHIEF follows the directions to the entrance to the maintenance accessway. He enters and makes several turns through the narrow passages, coming out behind a line of CONVENT, engaged in a massive firefight with several MARINES. AUSTIN-316 quickly sneaks behind a nearby EL337...
WHACK
The BASTARD CHIEF uses the EL337's limp body as an alien shield, and points its plasma rifle, burning holes in the nearby RUNTS and JACKALOPES.
Marine PVT: running up Wow, thanks Chief! You really saved our bacon!
The Marines line up and begin boarding the last landing craft. As they did so, another EXPLOSION (!) blows through the wall behind the MARINES and BASTARD CHIEF, ripping several MARINES to shreds, and tossing one into the bay between the HALLWAY and the LIFERAFT. He cowers there, terror preventing him from moving.
Austin-316: picking the Marine up by his belt Come on, son, get the lead out.
AUSTIN-316 tosses the MARINE PVT into the LIFERAFT, then steps inside himself, sealing the door behind him.
Austin-316: Punch it!
Marine Pilot: You got it, Chief! Let's rock!
EXT SPACE --view of the Pillar of Gotham
As the LIFERAFT shoots free of the ship, its engines engage and it barrels out into space, heading directly or the BAGEL
INT Liferaft--SPACE
Marine PFC: Uh-RAH, one express elevator to hell, goin DOWN!
For-Tuna(VO): Look.
Marine PVT: What IS that thing, el tee?
Marine Pilot: Looks like a Bagel in Space, to me. At least it'll keep us fed for a few years.
EXT SPACE--LIFERAFT, BG Pillar of Gotham
For-Tuna(VO): I knew it! The Gotham is swerving all over the place...the Captain's diving drunk again!
INT LIFERAFT
Marine Pilot: Heads up, everyone, this is it. Approaching the Bagel's atmosphere in five...four...three...
For-Tuna (VO to Chief): Sure you wouldn't rather take a seat?
Austin-316: taking hold of a red marked "EMERGENCY EXIT HATCH--DO NOT OPEN UNLESS ON GROUND" We'll be fine.
For-Tuna(VO): If I still had an a**, I'd be hanging on to it...
And thus ends the beginning.
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