- study3600
- Administrator
Offline - Registered: 12/22/2023
- Posts: 283
Re: The Phantom Menace Humorous Version
SC 77 EXT PATOOTIE-DAY
Manakin, Patme and Jab-Jab are working on Manakin's podracer. His three friends MAISY, KISSED-HER and BALD come out into the yard laughing.
KISSED-HER: Wow! A real Astro-Pop! (referring to R2) How'd you get so lucky?
MANAKIN: Well, I'm not old enough for that, yet (looks at Patme) but someday....
Whack
PATME: You little freak!
MANAKIN: Guess what? I'm entered into the Boonta Tree Classic tomorrow.
MAISY: Aren't those poisonous? And I thought they were only on Brendok?
MANAKIN: No, the race.
MAISY: Ooooh, that Boonta Tree Classic! What, with this? It's never gonna run!
Whack
MANAKIN: You watch your mouth, woman!
BALD: You're such a joker Mani!
MANAKIN: You, too!
Meanwhile JAB-JAB is working heedlessly beneath some energy binders.
MANAKIN: (CONT'D) Be careful not to get your hand caught in those energy binders, it'll go numb for hours.
JAB-JAB: Okeday. (Gets his hand, then his head, then his whole body stuck in the binders for several minutes, then his wrench falls out of the turbo engine and Patme gets him unstuck.)
After MAISY and BALD take JAB-JAB away on a stretcher, KISSED-HER says to MANI:
KISSED-HER: I'm sure you'll do it this time.
PATME: Do what?
KISSED-HER: Finish the race, of course.
PATME (stupefied): You've never won a race?!
MANAKIN: Well.....
PATME: Not even finished?! What the HELL are we getting ourselves into?
MANAKIN: Kissed-her's right, I'll finish the race this time!
LI-GON: (Lifts him onto the pod.) Of course you will. You better, or else! Use this convenient and unexplained power pack.
MANAKIN plugs the power pack in, flips a few switches and OVERDRAMATIC MUSIC starts up.
MANAKIN: It's WORKING! It's WORKING! Yippeeeee! Yippeeeee! Yipppeeeeeee!
KISSED-HER: Make him stop saying Yipeee! (Covers ears)
Whack
MANAKIN shuts up.
Last edited by study3600 (8/07/2024 2:08 pm)
- study3600
- Administrator
Offline
- Registered: 12/22/2023
- Posts: 283
Re: The Phantom Menace Humorous Version
SC 78 EXT PATOOTIE- MOS EPSOM - SLAVE QUARTERS - PORCH - NIGHTLIGHT
SCHMOO SKYRIM, watching from the porch, smiles sadly.
SC 79 EXT PATOOTIE SLAVE QUARTERS - BALCONY - NIGHT
MANAKIN SKYRIM sits on the balcony rail of his hovel as LI-GON JINN'N TONIC tends to a cut.
BOY leans back to look at the vast blanket of stars in the sky.
LI-GON: Sit still, Mani. Let me clean this cut.
MANAKIN: Wow, look at all the pretty stars in the sky, according to Copernicus each in their respective spheres and circles, with different times relative to each other according to Einstein's Theory of General and Special Relativity, most with their own system of planets and moons, and it's very likely that no one person could ever in a million lifetimes visit them all....it would be a fool's dream to wish to do so....don't you agr-OUCH what the f*** dude!
LI-GON scrapes MANAKIN's blood into a commlink chip.
LI-GON: I'm checking your blood for infections.
MANAKIN: You're a very bad liar, Mr. I saw your eyes roll left in your head. It's too obvious that you're fibbing to me.
LI-GON: I-
SCHMOO: Bedtime! I'm not going to tell you again!
MANAKIN: Bye. (Does an 'I'm watching you' sign with his fingers and eyes.)
LI-GON takes the blood-stained chip, inserts it into the Commlink, and calls OB-EWAN.
LI-GON: Ob-Ewan.
OB-EWAN: Yes, Master.
LI-GON: I need a Midichlorian count of this blood sample I'm beaming you.
OB-EWAN: You can do that in Star Wars? I thought beaming was only in Trek?
LI-GON: Just check it.
OB-EWAN: Oh my God-Over Twenty Thousand. Even Master Yoga doesn't have an M-Count that high!
LI-GON: No Jedi has.
The transmission ends. SCHMOO joins LI-GON.
LI-GON: Must be difficult being a single mother. And a slave.
SCHMOO: Yes. But we manage to make ends meet. What is it like to be a Jedi.
LI-GON: Well we don't sit around all day meditating on the Force and saber train the rest of the time. Most of us like to party hardy. And a lot of us are far from celibate.
SCHMOO: (A little turned on.) Far from celibate. Tell me more about that.
LI-GON (Meeting her gaze with a deadpan sexy stare): I know what turns a woman on. Of whatever species or race.
SCHMOO: Well, I'll be f*****.
Wocka chicka wocka chicka beat with a lot of wah wah on the guitar as the camera pans slightly to Schmoo.
The moon goes behind a cloud (weird because of lack of moisture on Patootie) and scene cuts away.
Last edited by study3600 (6/05/2025 4:31 am)
- •
Thread Starter- study3600
- Administrator
Offline
- Registered: 12/22/2023
- Posts: 283
Re: The Phantom Menace Humorous Version
SC 80 EXT PATOOTIE-DESERT MESA-NIGHT
The sinister looking Sift Infiltrator lands on top of a desert mesa at dus? (I'm sure he meant dusk),
scattering a herd of Banthas. Darth Bludgeon, steps out of his cockpit, wearing a T-shirt that says "Sith Lords Kick A**" and carrying a Boom Box on his shoulder playing hard rock at maximum volume. He trips and falls and tumbles to the desert floor, his Boom Box falling on his fool head.
BLUDGEON: Dang it all to heck!!!!
The audience looks at him in confusion, puzzled. Darth Bludgeon sticks his pierced tongue out at them.
BLUDGEON: Idiots! Buffoons!
Audience boos. Some want their ticket and popcorn money back.
Bludgeon gives them the finger.
Audience shuts up.
Then BLUDGEON turns off his BOOM BOX, and takes out his MICROBINOCULARS. He picks out the lights of three different cities in the DISTANCE, then pushes buttons on his electronic armband.
Six football-sized mean-looking PROBE DROIDS exit the ship. They head in three different directions towards the cities. Darth Bludgeon stands on the mesa and watches them through his microbinoculars.
- •
Thread Starter- study3600
- Administrator
Offline
- Registered: 12/22/2023
- Posts: 283
Re: The Phantom Menace Humorous Version
SC 81 EXT PATOOTIE-MOS EPSOM-SLAVE QUARTERS-PORCH-SUNRISE
Patme exits the hovel.
SC 82 EXT MOS EPSOM-SLAVE QUARTERS-BACK YARD-SUNRISE
As the Twin Suns rise, Artoo is busy painting the racing pod. MANAKIN is asleep. PATME passes ARTOO.
PATME: I hope you're about finished.
ARTOO: Blip bloop bleep fickle d i c k l e doo. (Translation: Don't rush me, woman, I don't get paid for this fr***in' job.)
PATME sees KISSSED-HER riding towards her on an Eopie. He is leading a second Eopie behind him. PATME goes over to MANAKIN.
PATME: Wake up you lazy bum. Some husband you'll turn out to be, sleeping while the poor droid does your work for you.
MANAKIN: Alright, I'm up already!
PATME walks away. MANAKIN stands up and stretches just as KISSED-HER arrives.
MANAKIN: What's got into her this morning?
KISSED-HER: Oh, you know, Mani, her aunt Flo came to visit.
MANAKIN: How would her Aunt Flo even know she was here? Anyway, let's hook 'er up.
SC 83 - MOS EPSOM -ARENA -MAIN HANGAR - DAY
RACE CREWS mill about inside the Main Hangar.
Just a reminder to anyone who wishes to jump in to this one and help write that this one's a round robin, add-on or collaborative work, but only on this humorousversions website. Be sure to be consistent with Parody names and the other Humorous Versions God bless and May The Force Be with you.
Last edited by study3600 (6/11/2025 12:52 pm)
- •
Thread Starter