3.
Back on board the Jaded Scissors, the shuttle Luke had either built with his own hands or had someone else build for him depending on how you read the original sentence, Leia knocked on the door of Mara's cabin. Hearing very strange sounds, Leia forced her way and found Mara sitting on the bed, her face horribly contorted.

"Mara!" Leia exclaimed. "What happened? Is it your illness?"

Mara snorted. "Yeah, right. You try crying piteously while keeping a stiff upper lip and see how your face fares."

"So you're all right?" Leia persisted. She kept the look of concern off her face, but inside Leia surely knew that the dread disease that was attacking her brother's beloved wife was slowly taking more and more ground, that the spunky Mara was gradually losing her brave, hard-fought battle, that...

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sharp, "LEIA!" from Mara.

"Yes, Mara?" Leia inquired solicitously.

"I'm a Jedi now. I can pick up thoughts. Sheesh, can't anyone remember that? So could you stop for at least one chapter the gloom and doom thinking? It's enough to give one a complex. No wonder I apparently can't stand to be around Luke."

"But Mara, aren't you scared?" Leia just had to ask.

"Nah. I'm going to live. We all are. You know that," Mara responded matter-of-factly.

"Um, Mara..." Leia hesitated for a second, then plunged ahead. "That's not necessarily true anymore. You know, Chapter 17? Bubble burst? Han thinks you are terminal?"

"You haven't been keeping up with the posts. Chapter 17 doesn't happen here."

"Oh!" Leia immediately brightened. "I've got to tell Jaina to cancel the supply run to Costco. I guess we won't need the family-sized 12 ply tissues anymore."


*Another interlude from the same musical....

Prefect Ford and a chorus line of Yubyub Pong sing...

"Son, be a Prefect....
You enjoy causing people pain..."* *(Sung to the tune of "Son, Be a Dentist")

Prefect and the line break the necks of the plot devices they're holding in stereo....they then do a series of Rockette-like kicks and tune up again...

"Oh, we are the boys of the Chorus,
We hope you like our showwwww,
We know you're rooting for us,
But now we have to gooooooo..."* *(From Looney Tunes)

Interpolation to Chapter Seventeen:

Anakin (to Mayor): Hey, can I ask you something?
Mayor: (distracted) What is it, kid?
Anakin: I've heard rumours about you...
Mayor: It's a lie! I wasn't banned from Miscellanous!"
Anakin: (impatiently) Not that! I hear that you're really Boba Fett...
Mayor: "Why would you think that?"
Anakin: "Well, you look a bit like Jeremy Bullock...and you're about the same age...and you're wearing Mandalarian armour..."
Mayor: "Sure, but what am I wearing over it?"
Anakin: (Squinting) "It looks like...boy, that's really strange...a gold lame tuxedo?"
Mayor: "Right. Which means?"
Anakin: "You're Elvis Presley?"
Mayor: "None other...remember what happened in 1977?"
Anakin: "ANH came out?"
Mayor: "What else?"
Anakin: "You died?"
Mayor: "I didn't die...I just pretended to so I could hide out from my fans as a bit actor in the popular movie series ever made. Now, of course, I'm going to not die for real..." He pulls out a thermal detonator and hops off the speeder. As Anakin speeds away, he heards the Mayor humming "All Shook Up"...
Anakin: (Sighing) "Makes sense to me."


Meanwhile, back on the Jaded Scissors...Mara and Leia are having ye olde deep discussion...
"I really think this jumpsuit makes me look fat," said Leia, "maybe if I wear my black one..."


Luke was having trouble getting to sleep. Maybe it was the fact that Mara was still not any better, despite what just happened-or didn't-to Chewie. Maybe it was because Celine Tionne just sent him a transmission saying that Ikrit put a 10-year-old in a bacta tank by making the kid carry him around the Temple. Or maybe it was the glowing green ghost sitting on his bed.
"Who are you?"
"Qui-Gon Jinn. Listen, I'm not supposed to be in this, but there's a few words I'd like to say to you. Amidala. Padawan. Midi-chlorians. Shmi.
Thank you."
"Huh?" Luke said to Qui-Jon, "I am wondering, why are you here?"
"That's Yoda's line," responded Qui-John.
"Whatever. What do you want?"
"This is an Annunciation."
"Oh, great. Does GL want the Catholic League of Decency picketing the next movie? That virgin birth bit for my old man in TPM tried them pretty high. This would be the last straw."
"What can I say? He's finally taken out a condo in flip city."
"So what are you supposed to be announcing, anyway?"
"You have a choice, Luke. If you and wife have a baby, it will save her life and destroy the Yubyub Pong."
"How would it save her life? She's sick as it is, it'd kill her."
"The child will be born immune to her disease and will be able to pass on the immunity."
"Well, okay, then! I just have to persuade her to stay in the same room with me for a few hours..."
"A few minutes..." sneered Qui-Jon.
"Jealousy ill becomes you."
"But there's a catch..."
"There always is," said Luke, sighing, "What is it?"
"The child will become the worst SITH lord in history and enslave the galaxy all over again. You must choose whether he is born or not."
"Why do I always get these choices? Does Leia? Does Han? Nooooo...it's always me. It's not fair!"
"You can always complain to GL. Remember how he blew off the EU to Terry Brooks? He'd really care."
Qui-Jon started fading. "Remember young Skywalker, pass on what you have learned..."
Muttering to himself, Luke said, "That's wasn't an annunication, it was a public service announcement for birth control..." 
Another glowing ghost appeared to Luke.
"Yousa in BIG poodoo, now. Meesa no wanten' be in yousa shoes when de big boss Borsk findin' out"
Luke said ,"Huh?"
The Yubyub Pong wiped out every human being on that planet whose made-up name I can't remember. Except, of course, for Danae Twee.

"Oldman," said Perfect Ford, "Who is this female?"
"Her name is Danae Twee," said Oldman, brilliantly.
"She is human."
"True," Oldman admitted, reluctantly.
"She is untattooed."
"That's only because she's not from Southern California," Oldman said, eagerly.
"She is ugly to our eyes. So kill her and be done with it."
"She is worthy," intoned Oldman. "The Hammock says so."
"Why in space would it say that?" Prefect said, annoyed.
"We need a ingenue in this plot," Oldman said, in a wheedling tone. "Somebody for the NR twits to rescue. She's a blonde babe. What more could you ask for?"
"Look, we murdered millions in cold blood and we keep this one female? It makes no sense!"
"Hey, we're aliens. We don't need to make sense. We just need to be hulking creeps and villains. That's what it says in the plot outline, anyway. And we're supposed to make sure she's half nude so that Jedi kid can cop a feel later on. We must obey orders."
"Makes sense to me."


The next morning, Luke got up and went to the 'fresher--and was almost surprised when no one from TPM was on the john.  Back in another chapter whose portentous name I can't remember:

"The Jade Scissors has made orbit," Schlock Tinkerbelle reported to Nom Nom Amor.
"Not bad for a homemade shuttle," commented Nom Nom, "who's on board?"
"Leia Organa Solo, her daughter, and her sister-in-law."
"An estrogen festival! I shall prepare..."
Schlock then warned Nom Nom against the Jedi 14 times, boring the hell out of the audience. Nom Nom wasn't too thrilled, either.
"After all, Mara Jade is the only real Jedi in the bunch, and I've already taken care of her...I infected her with tomb spores."
"How?" asked Schlock, a simple-minded type.
"Who cares? Details don't matter. We'll test the infection with the eye of newt. Have you got it?
Schlock produced the newt from his pocket.
"Is that where you usually carry amphibians?" Nom Nom asked.
Schlock shrugged. "Hey, we're stock villains. Details don't matter. You said so yourself."
"Make sure it gets near her mouth," Nom Nom said, rolling his eyes.
Schlock nodded, and left.
Nom Nom then preened in front of his mirror. He only had one eye, having removed the other for no particular reason. He replaced it with a mouth that spat venom, mainly because the marketers thought this would make a great action figure. Nom Nom had been taking lessons in campiness from a Fu Manchu correspondence course, and mindful of what he had learned, made sure he added a black cape and cowl to his ensemble. He also inspected the numerous poisonous germ- agents he kept in his closet along with dog-eared copies of Penthouse, his dirty underwear, used jock-straps, and some half-eaten take-out.

Schlock had brought his visitors in. Mindful of his instructions, he took the newt out of his pocket and thrust it into Mara's face. Mara, thinking it was Yubyub Pong hors d'oeuvre, politely bit its head off. Nom Nom's respect for Mara increased threefold.

"Resistance is futile, Picard!" thundered Nom Nom.
"Um...Nom Nom...that's Star Trek TNG," whispered Schlock.
"Oh, damn...wrong cliche. Um...I am the Cobra La!"
"That's GI Joe, The Movie..."
"I shall burst out of your chest..."
"Aliens..."
"I am the head Yevetha..."
"The Black Fleet Crisis..."
"I only want the Sudetenland..."
"That's Hitler..."
"Damn, I've done this schick in so many other places, I can't remember where I am..."
"This is Star Wars, NJO," said Leia, patiently. "You know, the one that was supposed to be new and original..."
"Foolish woman!" thundered Nom Nom. "You dare to question Doom? Doom orders you to leave!"
"That's Aleja..."

As they were walking away, Mara said, "I sent him a message through the Force and he completely ignored me, so I couldn't learn anything about him."
Sotto voce, Jaina said, "It's amazing to me that RAS managed to write this book without ever learning how the Force is supposed to work."
Leia said, "You don't actually expect him to read the play book, do you? After all, this is supposed to be new and original..."
Sighing, Jaina said, "Makes sense to me."


Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the other Solos, the real Jacen, as written by KJA was tied up(1) in a Yubyub Pong prison.
.
.
. Meanwhile, on the way to Bilkdafans, Luke and Mara have another meaningless exchange of words on the bridge of the Jade Scissors.

Luke: ?Mara, how come we aren?t bonded through the Force anymore??
Mara: ?Because, the Force has been de-emphasized in these new books.?
Luke: ?What? When did this happen??
Mara: ?You didn?t get the memo??
Luke: ?No. What memo? How come I?m always the last to know. I am supposed to be the Jedi Master around here.?
Mara: ?The powers that be (TPTB) have decided to issue new commandments that govern the new series of books. The first was, thou shalt not discuss the Force in too much depth.?
Luke: ?Um, okay, whatever. What are some of the new commandments??
Mara: ?Well, let?s see. Thou shalt burst the bubbles surrounding all the characters. Hence my disease.?
Luke: ?I see. I wondered why that suddenly happened. Were there more??
Mara: ?Thou shalt not talk about lightsaber colors. Thou shalt not go into characterization and describe what we look like.?
Luke: ?Oh, that last one is kinda a tough one. On one hand, it sucks because some fans don?t know what our niece and nephews look like at all. On the other hand, I am glad they don?t get to tell everyone my hair is graying.?
Mara: ?Apparently, TPTB ran a focus group and the majority of fans didn?t care because they always pictured you movie characters exactly like they?ve last seen you. Plus, TPTB want people to buy the Decipher cards and other official likenesses.?
Luke laughs: ?Oh yeah, I?ve heard they are finally putting a real face on you. They put you in some kind of leather catsuit that you can hardly move around in huh.?
Mara groans loudly. ?Don?t remind me. It?s just some over-sexed male thing; just like those comic book hacks that give me a really huge chest.?
Luke grins slyly. Mara glares at him.
Luke: ?Well, I guess we are big business. We all have to make sacrifices for what sells. I wonder what?s next?? Meanwhile, on the way to Bilkdafans, Luke and Mara have another meaningless exchange of words on the bridge of the Jade Scissors.

Luke: ?Mara, how come we aren?t bonded through the Force anymore??
Mara: ?Because, the Force has been de-emphasized in these new books.?
Luke: ?What? When did this happen??
Mara: ?You didn?t get the memo??
Luke: ?No. What memo? How come I?m always the last to know. I am supposed to be the Jedi Master around here.?
Mara: ?The powers that be (TPTB) have decided to issue new commandments that govern the new series of books. The first was, thou shalt not discuss the Force in too much depth.?
Luke: ?Um, okay, whatever. What are some of the new commandments??
Mara: ?Well, let?s see. Thou shalt burst the bubbles surrounding all the characters. Hence my disease.?
Luke: ?I see. I wondered why that suddenly happened. Were there more??
Mara: ?Thou shalt not talk about lightsaber colors. Thou shalt not go into characterization and describe what we look like.?
Luke: ?Oh, that last one is kinda a tough one. On one hand, it sucks because some fans don?t know what our niece and nephews look like at all. On the other hand, I am glad they don?t get to tell everyone my hair is graying.?
Mara: ?Apparently, TPTB ran a focus group and the majority of fans didn?t care because they always pictured you movie characters exactly like they?ve last seen you. Plus, TPTB want people to buy the Decipher cards and other official likenesses.?
Luke laughs: ?Oh yeah, I?ve heard they are finally putting a real face on you. They put you in some kind of leather catsuit that you can hardly move around in huh.?
Mara groans loudly. ?Don?t remind me. It?s just some over-sexed male thing; just like those comic book hacks that give me a really huge chest.?
Luke grins slyly. Mara glares at him.
Luke: ?Well, I guess we are big business. We all have to make sacrifices for what sells. I wonder what?s next?? Mara: (muttering) "I'm still mad about that picture--did you see the horsehair wig she was wearing? Ecchhhh. And it looked like she used bacon grease for mousse..."
Luke: (soothingly) "Now, Mara. If you're critical, the model's feeling will be hurt...(they both choke with laughter)...
A middle-age guy in glasses and a suit suddenly appears. Luke and Mara stare at him.
Middle-aged guy: "Hey, that was good line! I'll have to funnel that to the party-liners on the forums..."
Mara: "Who the hell are you?"
Middle-aged guy: "I'm a Lucasarts Marketing Minion...LMM for short."
Luke: "I am wondering, why are you here?"
LMM: "That's Yoda's line."
Luke: "God, he's actually seen the movies..."
LMM: "Are you kidding? I don't waste my time, time is money! I did read the previous posts, though..."
Luke: (impatiently) "What do you want?"
LMM: "Just looking for ideas. My job is to publicize the NJO on one hand and to make sure the public don't find out how cruddy it is on the other. At least until they've parted with their money, anyway..."
Luke: "If they've read the first book, they KNOW how cruddy it is."
LMM: (smiling) "You are the innocent type, aren't you? Of course, it's cruddy, it was designed that way. We're letting RAS take the flak on that, though it isn't as if we couldn't have hired someone better to write it...we've GOT all the money in the world. But you have to consider your audience...if it was better, they'd resent it. Our polls told us that. The fanboys just love WWF, so we based the villains on that...a stroke of genius...if I do say so myself, and I do, ?cause it was my idea."
Mara: "Was it your idea to kill somebody?"
LMM: "No, that was GL's idea...strictly for marketing, though. Think of the publicity! It was great!"
Luke: "Well, I'm sure Chewie realizes he laid down his life in a good cause..."
LMM: "You're not kidding...and then we used it in our counter-insurgency campaign."
Mara: "Huh?"
LMM: "Well, you know those stories about death threats to RAS? Some kids playing pranks, but we played it up for all we were worth...because on one hand, any publicity is good publicity, and on the other, it allowed us to paint all critics of the book as lunatic-fringers--put ?em all on the defensive! Two birds with one stone! I'm such a genius!"
Luke (to Mara): "Does this guy sound like Marvin the Martian to you?"
LMM: "Well, come on, it's not really a book, any more than TPM is actually a movie...it's just a compendium of marketing decisions."
Mara: "Then how do you expect to the sell the rest of the series?"
LMM: "Well, as P. T. Barnum once said, you can never underestimate the intelligence of the American public...the fans'll buy any SW product, not matter how bad, because GL produced it. And he never has lapses in taste...."
Luke: "Obviously, you've never seen "Howard the Duck."
Mara: "Or the "Star Wars Christmas Special..."
LMM: (giving Mara a narrow look) "Are you a nay-sayer, sister? Remember Chewie. That could happen to you...we don't tolerate negativity here. VP is brilliant. Repeat after me: VP is brilliant...."
Luke and Mara: (obediently) "VP is brilliant..."
LMM: "Well, I'm glad you accept the party line...Well, I'm off to stifle more criticism on the EZ boards..." (he disappears)
Luke: (to Mara) "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Mara: "You bet I am...I just re-established our Force link."
LMM: (still invisible) "That's forbidden! We changed the nature of the Force, remember!"
Mara: "Blow it out your ear, drone! We just had a Pirandellan moment!"
LMM: "What's that?"
Mara: "Pirandello is the author of "Six Characters in Search of an Author." And that's what we're going to do. We refuse to participate in cheating the audience that loves us with schlock. This is the real rebellion, pal! We're going to get a real author to write the NJO, we're going to throw out the Yubyub Pong, and we're going to ROCK!"
LMM: "You won't find an author..."
Mara: "There are lots of good fanfic authors out there..."
LMM: (with the utmost contempt) "Yeah, right! You're going to get someone who DOESN't want to write NJO stories. After fleeing from the NJO, Luke and Mara are wandering down a street, discussing their Alternative Universe...
Mara: "I want to interview a few of the fanfiction writers...Gheorge2 for one...have you ever read "Stuff"? Great fun..."
Luke: "Irish is good, too."
Mara: "I'll put him on the list...also JadeSkywalker, Jeff42, and tabhwd...Ping writes good love scenes...nice flow and plenty of description...there's lots of other talented types around here, too. Then there's Darth Derringer...anybody who's been run out of two separate forums for being subversive--that's Lucasspeak for honest--should be definitely our style...And we need a battle- scene specialist..."
Luke: "Um...Mara..."
Mara: (absently) "Yes?"
Luke: "When you say love scenes...do you mean actual physical contact...?"
Mara: "Of course."
Luke: (bitterly) "There's no ?of course' about it...you haven't been a Jedi monk all these years..."
Mara: (blankly) "We've been married five years...do you mean to say we haven't...."
Luke: "Dunno for sure, ?cause they haven't covered it in the books, but I doubt it. (in a whisper) You know, I think it's an order direct from you-know-who himself...I'm his surrogate in the EU, right?"
Mara: (also whispering): "Right."
Luke: (still whispering) "I think he's told them that I'm not to get any more than he does..."
Mara stares at him silently for a few seconds, then she hugs him impulsively--"Oh, you poor baby!"
Luke: "We don't have a script yet, and I already like this better than the NJO....anyway, Mara, let's sign up somebody for that love scene soon, okay? It's...it's..."
The Geek Chorus tunes up behind them, singing an a capella version of "Urgent."
Luke: "Like they said."
Mara: (grinning) "Okay, sweetheart, I'll put Licia on the list."
Luke: "Good."
Mara: "Also Mimi."
Luke: (alarmed) "Um...I wouldn't go THAT far..."
Mara: (winking) "Try it, you might like it..."
Luke: "Easy for you to say...you always end up jumping me..."
Mara: (briskly) "Yes, you are the fortunate young man that I overpower...(she gives him a mind- blowing smile--Luke goes noticeably weak at the knees) Now...did you contact Leia? Will she join us?"
Luke: "She's thinking about it--she says."
Mara: (pensively) "I don't like the sound of that..."

Meanwhile, back on the Pinto...

Leia: "I dunno...profic has been berry, berry good to me...I've been queen of the galaxy for a long, long time."
Han: "But you aren't now."
Leia: "True."
Han: "Well, I'm all for it. I'm sick of staying home with the kids."
Kids (in stereo): "Thanks, Dad!"
Han: "Anytime. Of course, it would've have been so bad if you guys weren't such bores."
Jaina: "You try being stuck in a stupid kids' series written by KJA and see how interesting YOU are."
Han: "Well, I'm not blaming you, exactly. But you've been a real blight in every book you've appeared in."
Jacen: "Ditto, I'm sure."
Han: (stands up suddenly) "I'm think I'm having a catharsis..."
Anakin: "What's that?"
Twins: (in stereo): "Shut up, Anakin!"
Han: I've had it! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore! I'm sick of staying home and making nice while my wife swans around the galaxy....!!! I'm sick of being emasculated! I was a pirate! I was a smuggler! Once upon a time, I used to be sexy! I wanna to be sexy again...!"
He jumps onto a table, rips open his shirt and gives a trumpeting yell.
Anakin: "Um...Dad...isn't that Tarzan's shtick?"
Han: "Can it...I'm rolling!"
He leaps off the table and makes for the door.
Leia: "Kids! Stop him! We can't let him have any fun--it's forbidden!"
Anakin and Jaina make a dive for Han. Jaina seizes Han's left boot heel; Anakin grabs his right one.
Han is last seen waddling out the door, both kids still attached.
Leia (to Jacen, who is sucking his thumb): "This makes no sense at all."
 Leia: "Jacen, take your thumb out of your mouth. You?re acting like a baby again."
Jacen: "Sorry, Mom. I was regressing there wasn?t I. It?s just that when they mentioned KJA and YJK..."
(Jaina and Anakin stoll back into the Pinto.)
Leia: "So you two, you just let your father escape? Why didn?t you use the Force on him? You could have tricked his mind and convinced him to stay like I have been doing these past several years. You?re useless."
(Leia storms off to the cockpit of the Pinto.)
Jacen: "I don?t know about you, but I am staying. I think that Danni chick kinda digs me and I wanna stay."
Jaina: "What about Tenel Ka? Didn?t you like her?"
Jacen: "Huh?"
Jaina: "You know, the one-armed princess."
Jacen: "She?s old news. This Danni is the one they are writing for me! (Jacen puffs out his chest.) Anyway, they are supposed to be focusing more on the next generation of Jedi. That?s us. They would have called it SW: The Next Generation, but they didn?t want to be accused of ripping off Star Trek because they were out of ideas."
Jaina: "Yeah, me too, I am staying. I am the perfect child and I?d never go against the orders of da-boss." (Jaina thrusts her chin up proudly.)
Anakin: "Yeah! I am staying too. It?s time for us for a change. We don?t need those old folks. They have too many rules, hog the limelight, and they always want us to behave. Besides I am tired of fixing this bucket of bolts."
Twins: (in stereo) Shut up, Anakin!
(The 3 Solo brats run off the join the NJO. While they are running away Anakin yells "Yipee.") 

5. 

Two weeks later. Luke and Mara have had their "improvisations", and Han has introduced Jacen to the "real" world. Luke and Mara are scouting and planning to infiltrate the new Jedi Acadamy/Council building and recruit some more free-thinking insurgents. R2 has tagged along to do a little computer hacking and electronic warfare.

Luke: "I think Bam-Bam and Celine Tionne would be willing to join our cause. Bam never really cared for Corran and his over inflated ego."
Mara: "It's a wonder that guy even has any friends."
Just then Yumyum and a band of 4 Yubyub Pong surround our heros.
Yumyum: "I knew it would only be a matter of time before we found you. Four Pong attack."
Yumyum unleashes a bunch of bang-bugs at Luke and Mara while the other 4 close in to attack.
Luke and Mara ignite their lightsabers; Luke his green one, and Mara her father-in-law's blue one.
Luke: "Bang bugs. R2 use the Raid."
A compartment in R2 slides open and releases a spray of Raid around the area. The bang-bugs sputter and fall to the ground.
Yumyum: "Hey, that's not supposed to happen. Our most excellent biological weapons are supposed to be really hard to beat."
Mara: "Sorry, tatto face. You're in our universe now."
Luke: "Besides, they are biologic bugs. We just used some bug spray."
(Insert Commercial voice-over endorsement: Raid, makes bang bugs, dud-bugs.)
Yumyum: (whining) "This isn't fair. All right men. Snake swords. Let's see how you can handle this."
All 4 YP draw their snakes and advance on Luke and Mara. Luke takes two and Mara the other two. The YP swing their snakes but Luke and Mara slice them in half.
Yumyum: (whining again) "Oh this really isn't fair. Our snake swords are supposed to block your Jedi weapons."
Mara: "Sorry, again yak face. Not until you can explain how they can block our sabers."
Yumyum: "But, fantasy weapons don't need explanation."
Luke: "Not in our alternate universe."
Next, the 4 YP throw their silly puddy at Luke, Mara, and R2 in an attempt to ensnare them. Luke and Mara catch the silly puddy in force grips. Luke shoves a big glob off silly puddy back in Yumyum's face, then pulls it away.
Luke: "Look Mara, I got a copy of his tattoo. Neato."
Mara: "That's nice Luke. You can have fun with the silly puddy after we get rid of these creeps."
Luke and Mara chase the YP warriors away.
Mara: "That was a useless diversion." Meanwhile back at the Ranch....

LMM, his feet dragging, is shuffling up to a large, dark door...which silently opens. LMM hesitates, then tip-toes in.
The room is semi-dark. A huge desk sits in one corner. There is a chair behind it, turned away from LMM. Slowly, silently, the chair rotates.
LMM: (timidly) "Hello, boss."
Da-boss: "You may approach..."
LMM slithers forward on his stomach. When he reaches DB's feet, he kisses his shoe. DB kicks him away and stands up...
DB: "I want an update..."
LMM: (holding his sore chin) "Um...our latest information is...Luke and Mara have actually consummated their marriage....(DB shudders visibly)...Han Solo was sighted in a brothel on Poodoobrillion, boiled on lum, and singing karaoke, not to mention 159 choruses of ?Born Free'...(DB clenches his hands)...Chewbacca was also sighted...our first confirmation that Solo rescued him from Stimpydoll" (DB grinds his teeth).. "Jacen Solo was with his father...we're told he...um...fell in love...with seven separate...ah...young ladies...while there..." (DB turns his back)...
DB: (in deep chest tones) "I am most seriously displeased..."
LMM whimpers softly...
DB: "What about the YP? Did their expeditionary force sight anyone...?"
LMM: "um...sort of...Yumyum BMW is waiting outside to give you a personal report..."
DB: (waving an imperious hand) "Bring him in, then..."
Yumyum enters. He is a bit subdued. He salutes DB, who inclines his head in grave acknowlegement.
DB: "Your report, Yumyum...did you spot any of the runaways...?"
Yumyum: "Um...yes...we sighted Jade and Skywalker...but we were driven off..."
DB: (terribly) "Driven OFF? What do you mean, driven off? What about the snake sticks...?"
Yumyum: "They didn't work in their Alternative Universe..."
DB: (staring at him) "The silly puddy...?"
Yumyum: "Not that, either..."
DB: "The bang-bugs?"
Yumyum: "They used Raid...it's sponsoring them..."
DB: "WHAT!!!!! Are you telling me that there's marketing money out there that we're not getting?"
LMM: (covering his head with his arms) "Yes...boss..."
The room darkens...Force lightening crackles ominously across the ceiling...
DB: (furiously) "This is completely unacceptable!!!" He storms past LMM, kicking him on the way by--LMM rolls out of his range...and he bumps up against Yumyum, who is twice his size.
DB: "I want results!!"
Yumyum: (whining) "Don't look at me...I'm used to the WWF...it's all scripted, there..."
DB: "So is this!"
Yumyum: "Yeah, but who's writing it...?"
DB: (in a deadly voice) "I am..."
Yumyum: (you gotta remember, he's very, very stupid) "That's what you said about the novelization of "A New Hope"...though anybody who reads it can tell Alan Dean Foster is the actual author..."
There is a tremendous crack of thunder, LMM grabs Yumyum by his sequined T-shirt and drags him out the door to safety...


Corran shows up on Yavin, intent upon throwing his weight around...

Corran: "Listen up, all you miserable layabouts!"
The Jedi Academy types gather round...
Corran: "Now hear this, I'm in charge of this facility now..."
Celine Tionne: "What about Luke?"
Corran: "Luke is yesterday's news. I'm the new head honcho...when I say jump, you'll say how high and in what direction...now, I want all the good-looking babes to keep careful control of their profound lust for me--remember, I'm married. Right at the moment, anyway...that includes you, Celine Tionne..."
CT: "I don't feel any lust for you, profound or otherwise..."
Corran (frustrated): "Yes, you do."
CT: "No, I don't."
Corran: "Yes, you do!"
All: (singing) "Yes, you do...yes, you do..."
Corran: (his face is getting red) "Stop that!" (To CT) "Stackpole says you do, so you do."
C. Tionne yawns. "Stackpole says every woman has the hots for you. It's such a joke...we all sit around in the cantina and laugh about it...we sing derisive choruses of ?Short People'--in rounds...."
Corran: (shouting) "I am NOT short!"
CT: "No, you're just vertically challenged..."
All: (singing) "Short People ain't got no reason to live..."
Corran takes a swing at the nearest singer. Bam Outside da-boss's office, with the storm still raging inside, LMM and Yumyum meet up with the Chief Del Rey Overlord...
CDRO: "What's up?"
LMM: "DB is upset."
CDRO: (sarcastically) "I can tell...the question is, why?"
LMM: (gesturing at Yumyum) "The rocket scientist here mentioned the disputed authorship of "A New Hope."
CDRO: (shaking his head) "Brilliant, Yumyum...brilliant..."
Yumyum: (petulantly) "Well, it's true..."
CDRO: "Whatever." (to LMM) "I need to talk to you about the marketing campaign..."
LMM: "Nothing about the AWOLs has leaked out, has it?"
CDRO: "Not that...but despite our best efforts, all non-party line sources have noted the cruddiness of VP...they're even saying the Bantam was better..."
LMM: "They can't be serious!"
CDRO: "Well, we've tried hard to stifle criticism...we've ensured positive reviews on all the fan nets...but anybody with a pulse can tell how lame the product is..."
LMM: "What has that to do with anything? A good marketer should be able to hype the worst piece of garbage in the world if they do it right...look at "The Blair Witch Product"...oops, I mean "Project"...they hyped that as the ?anti-Star-Wars'...discover the little movie that could...it stank major, but they made zillions before anyone found out..."
CDRO: "It's just too hard...We've decided to forget trying to deny that VP stinks...we're going with the following latest positive spin...we've given orders to all the party-liners on the nets to spread the word...which can be summed up as ?yes, it sucks but Stackpole will fix it'...
LMM: (skeptical) "You've read his stuff, have you?"
CDRO: "Not if I can avoid it. Anyway, ?Onslaught' isn't written yet..."
LMM: "It's due to be published in February, isn't it..."
CDRO: "Yeah. But all he needs to do is boot up his last book on his computer, change a few things, and hey, presto..."
LMM: (doubtful) "I remember his plotting as being particularly laughable...and you expect him to rescue the NJO?"
CDRO: "Hey, most of the fans will believe anything! (sings---"I'm Cleopatra, Queen of Denial"-- LMM laughs)...it should ensure that they buy the new book, and when it comes to the third one, well--we'll think of something..."
Yumyum: (baffled) "You sure are expending a lot of energy disguising the fact that product stinks...why not just make it good?"
LMM: "Yumyum, the core audience doesn't want good, original, thought-provoking or even decent...pop culture demands crap. As a refugee from the WWF, you should understand this..."
Yumyum: "Oh, yeah...I forgot..."
 Back in the NJO, Wedge Antilles is skulking around the X-Wing landing platform on Core-u- skank...
Mirax: "Wedge, is that you?"
Wedge: (looking around) "Oh, damn..."
Mirax: "Don't worry, I won't tell Iella I saw you..."
Wedge: (alarmed) "Is she looking for me?"
Mirax: "Yeah...with a large blaster..."
Wedge turns pale...then he looks at Mirax--
Wedge: "What are you doing here?"
Mirax: : "What does it look like? I'm trying to avoid my spouse."
Wedge: "I thought you and Corran were happily married..."
Mirax: "Give him a mirror to look in, and he's happy. I'm another story..." She looks at him sharply-- "So who let you out? I can't imagine Police Woman doing it voluntarily."
Wedge: (sighing) "She didn't...I bolted..."
Mirax: "Wedge, my man, she catches you, and you're dog meat..."
Wedge: "I know...I know...so I'm looking for a ship so I can defect..."
Mirax: "Defect? You? I thought you were ultimate profic loyalist...you had your own series..."
Wedge: (snorting) "Yeah, right...in which I'm a bit player, while Corran hogs the story-line..."
Mirax: "Honey, Corran hogs everything. It's his line..."
Wedge: "Well, I'm sick of it. Good ol' Wedge...don't have to give him prominence...upstage him with your hubby, or Face Loran, or Han Solo...latch him up to that ridiculous Smurf, and then to the Dragon Lady...who cares if they've got the combined sex appeal of a dead squirrel...Wedge's feelings aren't important...."
Mirax: "You think you've got it bad...! You don't have everybody saying you're a cheap rip-off of Mara Jade...!"
Wedge: "Even a cheap rip-off of Mara is pretty hot..."
Mirax slaps his face, hard.
Wedge (to himself) "That's funny, that line worked for Luke..."
Mirax: (to herself) "Men are from Mars, alright..."(to Wedge) "Look, stupid, you're supposed to say something like, ?No, Mirax, you're a splendid original...or, Mirax, there's nothing cheap about you...'"
Wedge: (obediently) "Mirax, there's nothing cheap about you..."
Mirax: "You'll never know for sure unless you ask me for money..."
Wedge: "Huh?"
Mirax: "Wedge, just how stupid are you...?"
Wedge: "Say, Mirax, haven't you lost weight...?"
Mirax: (laughing) "And the answer to that question is...not THAT stupid...okay, pax...I'm looking to defect, too. I've had it with Corran and his not-so-tiny ego..."
Wedge: (offering his arm) "Going my way, beautiful...?"
Mirax: (slipping her arm through his) "Don't mind if I do, handsome...."
  "Anakin, don't!"
"I have to!"
"Please don't go over..."
"Why shouldn't I? Give me one good reason, Jaina, just ONE good reason?"
"Ummmm.....Tahiri?"
"What if she's not in the NJO, huh? What if they're done with her?"
"Then give me one good reason why you SHOULD go over to the fanfic side?"
"Well, for onr thing I wouldn't need to keep this STUPID PAPER GROCERY BAG over my lightsaber so people can't see what color the blade is! What's wrong with my blade, anyway!?"
"Anakin, it..it's", (Jaina goes over and takes the bag off the lightsaber blade), "It's PLAID!? What'd you do that for?"
"Why should I make it easier for that idiot who can't even write a book to do his special effects? Not like we'll ever see a screen anyway!" In the alternate universe, Mara and Luke see Wedge and Mirax walking arm in arm down the street, nursing a good lum-buzz and laughing loudly.

As they get within earshot, Mara says to Luke.
Mara: "Well, well, would you look who's skipped out. It's the fighter-pilot-formerly-overshadowed-by-Corran, and Mirax, the cheap ripoff of me. Her name even starts with M too, how blantant can they be?"
Mirax: "Listen here Jade, I don't have time for any of your smart-mouth comments. You think I like being compared to you all the time. I don't need any more reminders now that I am over here. Any more remarks like that and I am going to...."
Mara: "Whoa! Cool your jets there Mirax, I was just busting you. And you can drop the bad-@ss woman schtick that Stackpole always writes for you too. We know he's just trying to imitate me even more and that I do it better. Truce?"
Mirax: "Okay. You're right. I want to put all that behind me."
Luke (to Mirax): Corran too?
Mirax: "You bet."
Luke (to Wedge): "Hey there Wedge, you look like you've strapped on one too many there."
Wedge: "Yeah, well I always shoot 'em straight down in one gulp."
Luke (to Wedge again): "I never thought you'd run. What gives? Was it the old lady? I hear Ego-man has hired her as his right hand policePERSON."
Wedge: "Yeah, I'm a gettin' away from the old iron maiden. (laughs) She's starting to threaten and scare me."
Mara: "You know, you two looked awfully cute stumbling down the street like that having a good time."
Luke: "And your respective partners have been playing the field, so to speak."
Mirax and Wedge just look at each other and both say together: "He's (She's) like a sister (brother) to me."
Luke: "Don't knock it until you've tried it."
Mirax (to Wedge): "What's he talking about?"
Wedge (whispers to Mirax): "There were rumors about Luke and Leia... you know... before they found out they were brother and sister."
(Mirax blushes profoundly.)
Mara: "What's he whispering about?" (Luke projects an image and emotion into her mind)
Mara (dismissively): "Oh, that."
Luke (after a brief silence) "It's good to see you two. Nice to know there are some sane people who want to join our cause."
Mara: "Where are you kids? Did you leave them behind?"
Mirax: "Well, Corran has already brainwashed the boy beyond hope. He's as bad as his father. And I don't know about the rumored girl that we have. If it's true, then I'll go back and get her before he corrupts her too."
Wedge: "I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. Maybe I can go back for one or both of them later, if their mother hasn't brainwashed them yet."
Luke: "Why don't you two come with us. We'll set you up in a safe area with the rest of the defectors. I am waiting for a couple more to join our cause."
Mara: "Luke and I may have found a place where we can hide out; and the NJO can't touch us there. We'll fill you in later."

Wedge and Mirax link arms again and follow Luke and Mara. Elsewhere in the NJO, Leia is not a happy camper...

Leia: (to Corran) "Those stupid Pong can't even find Han!"
Corran: (leering) "What do you need him for, Princess?"
Leia: (in a deadly voice) "He's MINE. I won't have him singing karaoke in cathouses...enjoying himself...having fun...corrupting our eldest...I want him by the short hairs..."
Corran: (wheedling) "Why bother? You can have me instead."
Leia: (flatly) "You're married."
Corran: "Currently."
Leia: "And you couldn't even take over Yavin properly!"
Corran: (offended) "My coup was a model of police efficiency! ..."
Leia: "Very efficient, indeed. You knocked yourself out, and when you woke up, everybody was gone..."
Corran: (coldly) "They ran away in terror...they were afraid of me...."
Leia: (muttering to herself) "Yeah, they were afraid they'd die laughing..."
Corran: (a fake sob in his voice) "Well, that's a nasty thing to say...especially when this is the anniversary of my father's death..."
Leia: "Oh, give it a rest, Corran...it was the anniversary of your father's death last week, too, or don't you remember?"
Corran: "Oh, yeah...sorry...but babes always like me to mention it...it shows I'm a sensitive guy..."
Leia: "Yeah, right. Very sensitive..."
Corran is distracted by the sound of a door opening...(Sound effects: a loud creaking noise--there's no hinge oil in the NJO, I guess...)
Iella appears. Corran gives her a ingratiating smile.
Corran: "Here's my new chief of security!"
Iella: (scowling) "We've got problems..."
Corran: "Such as?"
Iella: (flatly) "Wedge is missing."
Corran: "Missing? For cryin' out loud, Iella, couldn't you keep an eye on him? Some Chief of Security you are!"
Iella (giving him a look) "That's not all."
Corran: "What else?"
Iella: "He left Core-u-skank with a woman..."
Corran: (laughing) " You're jealous! Of that lame-o! What a joke! Didn't keep the leash tight enough, did ya, sweetheart?"
Iella: (coolly) "The woman in question was your wife."
Corran's smile disappears. "What?"
Iella: "My husband was seen leaving Core-u-skank with your wife."
Corran: "Just wait a minute! Are you seriously telling me that I've been cuckolded by Wedge Antilles? That pathetic overgrown creep? That stupid jerk that I pretend to defer to in my books ?cause I feel sorry for him?"
Iella: "None other."
Corran: "Are you telling me that my wife, Mirax, that vulgar, ill-bred bimbo that I elevated with my attention, is conning me with Wedge Antilles?"
Iella: "Yup."
Corran: "Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." He runs out of the room with his arms over his head.
Leia: "What's with him, anyway? He told me he didn't take his marriage seriously."
Iella: (looking after him and shrugging) "It appears to be news to him that Mirax felt the same way."
Leia: (sighing) "Well, this is what happens when you send freaks and geeks to do a job that calls for subtlety, intelligence and accurate small arms fire. I guess if I want it done properly, I'll have to do it myself. Are you interested in recovering your missing property, or not?"
Iella: "Oh, yeah. I've got plans for him." She looks very grim.
Leia: "Let's go, then." Meanwhile, the aforementioned freaks and geeks are discussing damage control...
LMM: "Luckily, no overt mention of the AWOLs have been made in the forums..."
CDRO: "Good."
LMM's minion (timidly): "How have you managed to keep it quiet?"
LMM: "That's easy...the forum geeks are here...we can feed them some more disinformation...they never know the difference..." (speaks into his phone) "You can send them in, now."
Two prepubescent boys come in...
LMM: (loudly, to CDRO) "Let me introduce you to Darkly Preposterous and Nosentz, forums geeks..."
CDRO: "Hi, kids..."
DP & N: (in stereo) "Hi."
CDRO: (kindly) "So how do you like the NJO?"
DP & N: "It's AWESOME!!!"
CDRO: (to LMM) "They remembered the official adjective! Our sponsors will be very pleased, LMM...you have programmed them well."
LMM: "Thanks."
CDRO: "Now, kids, you remember what your role is?"
DP & N: "Yeah...we have to be loyal suck-ups....we have to pretend that the NJO isn't clueless and derivative..."
CDRO: (encouragingly) "Yes...?"
DP & N: "We have to review the books positively and pretend that the authors have talent.."
CDRO: "A tall order, but I'm sure you're equal to it..."
DP & N: "We have to stifle criticism in any way possible..."
CDRO: "Definitely..."
DP & N: "We have to pretend that we have inside information on what's going to happen in the NJO when we really don't..."
CDRO: "Good...good...go on."
DP & N: "We have to pester the authors and pretend that they follow our suggestions..."
CDRO: "Such as?"
DP proudly) "Well, I suggested to Allston that the interplay of Piggy, Face and Phanan in the Wraith Squadron books was just like the Three Stooges...he was delighted and said he'd never thought of it that way."
CDRO: "I'll just bet he hadn't."
DP: "And in his next book, he killed Phanan off..."
CDRO: " Geez, I wonder why..."
DP: "Dunno...he lost lots of opportunities for eye-pokes, head-butting, and nnnggghhhhhhs. I can't understand it..."
CDRO: "Now, you remember the drill for starting rumors, do you..?"
DP: "Oh, sure. Just hint to loud-mouthed nay-sayers that you know something secret-secret but can't tell them on the forum. You really can't tell them anything ?cause you don't know anything, but you pretend you do. You say you got the info from an author, but he swore you to secrecy. Or something. But you drop not-so-subtle innuendos so they'll suck up to you to try to find out what it is...I like that...it makes me feel real important..."
CDRO: "And even better... they'll buy the next book."
DP: "Yeah. I've never been accurate yet, but they still buy it! Amazing, isn't it?"
CDRO: "It is, my child, it is. I'm very pleased with you, DP."
Nosentz: (not happy) "I've hinted that I know whole story arcs!"
CDRO: (soothingly) "You're a good boy, too, Nosentz..."
Nosentz: (muttering) "Well, at least I don't think the WWF is scintillating entertainment..."
DP: "And at least I don't do textual analysis of comic books!"
They begin flailing away at each other--
CDRO: (separating the combatants, neither of whom landed a punch) "Now, boys...boys...you should be friends...we have a job to do here...propaganda is important..." He shepherds them out of his office.
Once the door closes, he turns to another door and opens it.
CDRO: "Come on in, Mike."
MAS: "Are they gone?"
CDRO: "Yeah."
MAS: "Good, I can't stand those officious little twerps. You wouldn't believe the emails I get from them! Like I care about their opinion!"
CDRO: "Mike, remember the terms of your contract...you are required to humor the forum geeks."
MAS: (sullenly) "Yeah, I know. But it's really tough sometimes. Allston says if he has to take much more, he'll shoot himself..." In the mean time, trouble was stirring on some godforsaken planet in the middle of nowhere.... the planet where characters go when they've outlived their usefulness. Two such characters were now deep in conversation.....

DAALA: Ya know, Callista, life really sucks.
CALLISTA (nods sympathetically): I know what you mean.
DAALA: I mean, first KJA and Hambly totally ruin me, turning me into some loser who slept her way to the top, ya know? They take away all my tactical ability--
CALLISTA: You had tactical ability?
DAALA: Yeah, I was great! But then they had to make me into Tarkin's lover, ya know? And that really sucks. We were just friends! And then that rumor about me and Pellaeon--
CALLISTA: Um.
DAALA: And THEN, after all those lies and cruelties, they make me run off with yet another old lover and settle down on some loser planet!
CALLISTA: By the way, are you still seeing him?
DAALA (laughing): No! He was a total jerk.
CALLISTA: Well, you think you have it bad, look at me. First they have me in some idiot computer core or whatever. Then they hook me up with Luke Skywalker, and I think, "Hey, this is pretty cool." Then I lose my Force powers and have to act all scared and wimpy and run away from him. Then they totally forget about me. I ask you, is life ever fair?!? (slumps in her chair, hand to her head)
DAALA (sadly): I know exactly what you mean.

There is a brief silence.

CALLISTA (hushed tone): So, I hear Luke's up to some mutiny against the NJO--
DAALA (very loudly): No way!
CALLISTA (still hushed): Shut up, you idiot!
DAALA (whispering): Sorry.
CALLISTA: Never mind. Anyway, whadya say? Should we--?
DAALA (excited): You can't be thinking--?
CALLISTA (disgusted): Oh, come on. What do we owe EU? They've mistreated us--
DAALA: Okay, okay. I get the point.
CALLISTA: Anyway, I've got it all planned. Outside the continuity, there is nothing holding us back. I can get my Force powers back, you can have your tactical genius.... and I won't have to be a whiner, and you don't have to be promiscuous- unless you WANT to, that is- and speaking of which, I hear Han Solo is currently available....
DAALA: Okay, I'm convinced. (stands up) When do we leave?
CALLISTA: Right now.

The two EU outcasts exit stage left. At last Celine Tionne and Bam-Bam join our AWOL heros on Core-u-skank. Once in the AU, they immediately reclaim their original names, even though KJA came up with them. Later that evening, a meeting of all the refugees from the NJO meet. Luke, Mara, Han, Chewie, Jacen, Wedge, Mirax, Kam, Tionne, and other characters-to-be-named-later are in attendance.

Luke asks Kam about his recent experience with Corran at the Acadamy, which Kam gleefully recites to the audience for everyone's amusement.

Luke: "Did any of the students come with you?"
Kam: "Some came with us, but many went Rogue, or just took off with the Energizer bunny."
Mara: "We'll let Corran deal with the Rogue Jedi, he thinks he's such hot stuff. Let's see if old Corsec can handle it."

Luke: (to everyone) "Alright. While Mara and I were in the Scissors last week, we came across a previously unknown planet. It wasn't on any of the old charts."
Mara: "We landed on a lush green planet with only a few small cities and vast forests, grasslands, and open areas."
Luke: "We discovered from the locals -- humans and jive-talking amphibians -- the name of the planet is Naboo. Mara thought it sounded familiar."
Mara: "So I checked some of the memos sent out recently. One of the many new NJO commandments said 'Thou shalt never mention or visit Naboo in any way, shape, form, or time. Failure to do so will result in torture worse than death."
Luke: "Knowing this, we plan on moving the base of operations to Naboo since we will never be bothered there."
Wedge: "What's to prevent a bad author or lousy editor from forgetting the commandment and going there anyway?"
Luke: "Well, the method of torture is to be forced to watch 'Howard the Duck' all day, every day, for the rest of your life."
(Loud agonizing groans can be heard from the audience along with comments like "the worst", "Oh, Gawd", "I'd rather die".)
Mara: "Needless to say, I think we'll be safe." 

Last edited by study3600 (8/14/2024 3:46 pm)

7.  

Meanwhile, back on Limbo, the Chief of State of the Republic of Limbo, Tash Arranda, was answering questions.
"So you're not a Mara clone?"
"No, I'm a Leia clone, but I had my 15 minutes when I was 13...or was that 13 minutes when I was 15. Anyway, I'm Leia's counterpart here on Limbo. Except I'm married to a Jedi."
To that Callista said, "Don't go there."
"How come you didn't hyphenate your name like Leia?", Daala asked.
"Because he doesn't HAVE a last name. Just, Ken."
"Oh, him", chorused Daala and Callista, in a tone of voice reminiscent of someone who just stepped in bantha poodoo.
"Hey, it's not like I had a big choice. It was him, Trioculus or my brother."
"It was good enough for Leia....." Back on the NJO forbidden planet of Naboo, our rebellious heros have settled in a small town outside the capital city. Luke and Mara have taken a nice house overlooking vast fields of grassland. Han has settled closer to the center of town and Chewie and Jacen are with him. Wedge and Mirax have taken houses next to each other, though they are frequently see with one another. Many of the other characters have settled around town. Let's look in on Han and Jacen briefly.

Jacen: "Hey Dad, I've been around town here and in the capital city, and I didn't spot a place like Madame Lola's."
Han: "This place seems to be very pacifist, peaceful and moral. It's enough to make a scoundrel sick."
Chewie: (rroowwll, bark, growl) "Yeah, we'll have to get away now and then."
Han: "You said it pal."
Jacen: "But Dad, I'm in love."
Han: "No you're not kid. That's just your hormones talking."
Jacen: "But, Daaadddd."
Han: "Would you stop your whining. I've seen lots of nice girls around here. Why don't you get to know some of them? Do some tricks with your lightsaber. That might impress them."
Jacen: "The Force isn't for getting girls, it's nobler than that."
Han: "That's your uncle talking."
Jacen: "Hey, that's Obi-Wan's line."
Han: "So? Why can't I re-use it. Everyone else re-uses movie lines."


Luke, Mara, Wedge, and Mirax are walking down the main street talking about what they have discovered about the town and the planet so far.

Luke: "From what I can tell, the people here elect their monarchs."
Mara: "For how long? A finite term or life?"
Luke: "I don't know, that hasn't been revealed yet. My guess is a finite term."
Wedge: "That is a very interesting concept... (Denis slips out of character briefly: "I've got to tell Tony about this. The folks back home in Britain might like this. Chas would never be king.")
Mirax (to Wedge) "Would you stay in character."
Wedge reasserts himself: "Sorry about that little slip. Anway, where was I? Oh, yeah, electing a monarch is an interesting idea."
Luke: "Apparently, some are very young for their age too. I didn't have time to research it much more, but I'll go back sometime and do more research."
Mirax: "Mara and I checked out the local marketplace. Doesn't seem to be much of a black market around here."
Mara: "There's not much of a smuggler population around here either. I don't know if Han will like that or not. Not much competition or comraderie for him."
Wedge: "Well, when I was scouting around for a potential covert base for us, I checked out an abandoned mine. Apparently someone else had the same idea, because there was quite a setup cleared out for small fighter ships and a nice little base."
Luke: "That's convenient."
Mara: "Too convenient, like all the other coincidences that always happen to us. This fanfic writer must be dredging the bottom of the barrel to come up with that." Luke: "Well, if profic can do it, so can we."
Mara: "We're supposed to be better than them, remember?"
Luke: "Gotta win the war, first. I'm not gonna turn down a convenient base because it's an egregious coincidence--if the DRO worked on those principals VP would never have been published, okay..?"
Mara: "Well, okay..."
Luke: (to Wedge and Mirax) "We're holding a counsel of war in the town square tonight...would you spread the word...? Everybody's invited..."

Wedge drops in on Han to give him the news...
Wedge (to Han): "Hey."
Han: "Good to see a familiar face...what's new?"
Wedge: "Luke is holding a war meeting in the town square tonight. Everybody's supposed to attend..."
Han: "I'm glad to see him getting organized....for awhile there I wondered if he and Mara would ever come up for air... I realize they're making up for lost time, but enough can get to be too much, if you get my meaning....how are you and Mirax doing...?"
Wedge: (observing Jacen standing in the doorway) "Um...we're just friends..."
Jacen: (rubbing his palms together) "Well, if that's the case, do you think she'd consider a younger man...?"
Han: (cuffing him) "Go polish your lightsaber!" (He pushes Jacen out the door and closes it) "Sometimes I think I've created a monster...ever since he encountered the girls at Madame Lola's, his hormones have gone into overdrive...it must be a Jedi thing..." (grinning at Wedge) "So just how friendly ARE you and Mirax?"
Wedge: (smiling) "Well, here's hoping..."
Han: "Well, either you go for it, or you don't....and if you don't, maybe she'd consider an older man..."
Wedge's smile immediately disappears.
Han: (raising his hands) "Okay, okay, so I'm joking...but don't waste your time...the contrast between you and the Ego That Walks Like a Man won't carry you forever, y'know..."

That night, the refugees from the NJO hold a meeting in the town square. Luke addresses the crowd...
Luke: "I've called you here for a reason...we have to discuss the future and make our plans for a long, dirty war..."
There is a murmur of assent in the crowd...
Luke: "We're all here for a reason...we couldn't take any more..."
Han (in the crowd): "That's for sure..."
Luke: "We've all been through some dark times together before...the Jedi Academy trilogy, for one..."
Boos and catcalls in the crowd...
Luke: "But now we face our greatest challenge...DB has leased our future to the Forces of Darkness... in exchange for filthy lucre...are we going to sit here and take that?"
Crowd: "No!"
Luke: "You're damn right we're not! We have a right to our own future! If we don't want to take part in this stupid charade cooked up by that bunch of soulless trolls, we don't have to! We've got to fight the madness!"
The crowd cheers...
Luke: "Now if we're going to be able to defend ourselves, we're going to have to be able to identify the enemy...with that in mind, Mara and I have prepared a brief slide show..."
The lights dim and the first slide appears on the wall on one side of the square...
Luke: "Okay, first up are the enemies' shock troops...the Yubyub Pong. Large and strong, but strikingly stupid, and their tactical support--that is, their writers--are noticeably weak..led by Oldman Carr; his brother, Yumyum BMW; and Prefect Ford. Modelled basically on the Borg and the Dominion, among other things, but poorly realized as characters and undeveloped as anything. So far, their weapons don't work outside of the NJO or the WWF, so if you stay out of the danger zone, you should be okay..."
Kam: "I've heard rumors that the DROs have brought in some outside muscle..."
Luke: "Kam, see if you can find out more about that...Next, we have the Del Rey Overlords...definitely more dangerous. Mostly MBA graduates. Known to wear T-shirts with captions reading "Greed is Good" or "I Went to Harvard Business School and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". Have nothing but contempt for the SW 

Last edited by study3600 (8/14/2024 3:52 pm)

9.

 Over at CDRO's office, he and LMM are discussing a certain recalcitrant scribe...
LMM: "Don't you prep people before you let the press near them?"
CDRO: (sullenly) "Of course we do...he just didn't stick to the program, that's all...he was supposed to express disappointment in the fans for free-thinking--he did that--he was supposed play up the death-threats--and he did that, too--but then they asked him a few non-scripted questions, and all hell broke loose..."
LMM: "Well, this is just great...now I've had a telephone call from the Star Trek Marketing Minions, saying they're suing us..."
CDRO: "Why...?"
LMM: "a) for libel, because they were described as quote ?puked-out pablum' unquote; and b) for ripping off the situations, plot and villains of the aforementioned puked-out pablum for VP and the NJO."
CDRO: "Ye olde double whammy...I'll just bet the head STMM was delighted, too..."
LMM: (glumly) "He was. He could hardly talk, he was laughing so hard. They're going to make hay with the whole situation...as if the internal dissension we're suffering right now isn't enough...now, next time, make sure all the questions are in writing and submitted in advance. We don't want this to happen again..."
CDRO: (shrugging) "Can I help it if his ego went to his head and fermented?"
LMM: "I guess not. I can forgive the occasional little brain storm, if you get my meaning...but demands for more money are a different story...imagine the nerve of that jerk, demanding a living wage...what's he going to do, form a union? (they both snicker at this)...he's lucky Da-boss was in a forgiving mood..."
CDRO: "So what happens if he doesn't accept DB's offer...?"
LMM: "I have some ideas there...(he speaks into his phone) "Send them in...."
Leia and Iella, both looking rather grim, come in. They are dragging Corran between them. He looks more sober than he did at the docks, which is not very.
LMM: (very fake hearty) "Ladies! Corran! Good to see you!"
Leia: (her usual charming self) "Stow it, flunky--what do you want? We have places to be."
LMM: (kindly) "Corran, we wanted to talk to you...and to you, too, Iella...we're having some additional security problems..."
Leia: (her lips tightening) "The AWOLs from Limbo?"
CDRO: "Well, as it happens, no...actually one of our employees is causing us a little grief...we need you to rearrange his ideas just a bit..."
Iella: "Why can't the Pong handle it?"
CDRO: "The Pong have shown themselves in need of serious re-education. We've had to import talent to instruct them in proper villainous behavior...at great additional expense, I might add. In fact, we've told them they'd better shape up or we'll replace them with a superweapon....so they require some down time. As a substitute, we thought of you..."
Corran: (getting out his brass knuckles) "I'd be glad to--I'm a little out of practice, but I'm sure I could be back to form in no time...who is it? Anyone I know?"
CDRO: (smiling) "Oh, yes, you know him....there's a photo of him on the back of all of your books."
Corran: (musing) "I've often wondered who that joker is..."
Iella: "Um...Corran, could I speak to you in private?"
Corran: "What....?"
Iella drags Corran aside.
Iella: "Look, you idiot, can't you see that this is not a good idea?"
Corran: "Why not?" He punches the brass knuckles experimentally into his palm. "I feel like letting off a little steam..."
Iella: "Don't you understand that this guy writes your material? Get him mad, and you may be leaping over a cliff in your next book..."
Corran: (sneering) "He wouldn't dare...I'm da man...and besides which, I don't think I like the way he portrays me..."
Iella: (to herself) "I know I'll kick myself later for asking this...(to Corran) "Why...?"
Corran: (pouting) "How come I'm only Rogue Nine? I should be Rogue One....!"
Iella: "You're scary at times, Corran, really scary...think about it...he could replace you..."
Corran: (sneering) "Who with? Wedge?"
Iella: (glaring) "I'll forget I heard you say that...there's Gavin Darklighter..."
Corran: "Oh yeah, sure! That stupid oaf from the Outer Rim."...and the rest are Ewoks!"  While Iella and Mirax chat, the LMM and CDRO talk amongst themselves.

LMM: "Stackpole has a chat scheduled tomorrow night. Have you arranged to make sure only NJO loyalists and other suck-ups can log in to chat?"
CDRO: "Yes. I've paid off the site host to only admit certain pre-approved usernames and the moderators to only pass along certain questions, in case we get a stealth rabble rouser."
LMM: "I take it you've also supplied the loyalists with a list of pre-approved questions?"
CDRO: "Yes, all questions have been chosen to put a positive spin on the NJO. We've tried to sprinkle 'awesome' in there every now and then."
LMM: "Good. We've got to get the official adjective of the NJO in there several times."
CDRO: "We anticipate many of the questions will be about this Union comic he's writing, but we've started seeing some negative comments about it."
LMM: "Even though it's Dark Horse, we are all one big happy marketing family. We've been pushing the loyalists hard to get more good reviews of everything."
CDRO: "Even the seeminly hard hitting and negative sounding questions have been carefully chosen so that a positive spin can be put in the NJO and the detractors can be discredited."
LMM: "You remembered the spin doctors mantra: ** Bad publicity is worse than bad people." **
CDRO: "Or in this case, bad books."
LMM: "Excellent. The casual fan will never know we've orchestrated the whole thing."

** Apologies to Frank Deford who I heard use this line this morning in his weekly commentary.
  

Last edited by study3600 (8/14/2024 3:54 pm)

11. 
LMM and CDRO are high-5'ing it after witnessing the results of the latest Stackpole chat.

CDRO (excitedly): "That was a great chat."
LMM (dryly): "The implant we have in Stackpole must be working again. It's been acting up lately."
CDRO: "Like our scibe. At least we didn't have any eruptions of unscripted replies."
LMM: "The fan boys and girls were salivating all over themselves."
CDRO (laughing all the way to the bank): "What a sorry sight."
LMM (snickering): "They make Trekkies look tame."
(Both break out in uncontrolled laughter for several minutes.)
CDRO: "Speaking of Trek, have you heard from the STMM again?"
LMM: "Yeah, he was excited to hear that Stackpole would consider writing for them."
CDRO: "In a couple of months, he'll be looking for work. You never know. Gotta pay those bills somehow."
LMM: "I also told him that I want the Breen back now that they don't need them anymore."
CDRO: "What are you going to do with them?"
LMM: "Put them in Limbo with everything else."
CDRO: "Even though we've had some problems with people in Limbo?"
LMM: "They are very controllable, besides I'll let them police Limbo to contain any more defections."
CDRO: "We really have to work on Nosentz's programming, though..."
LMM: "Why?"
CDRO: "Well, there is a limit to the amount of smarminess people will accept as reasonable, and he exceeded it by several thousand miles..."
LMM: "You think...?"
CDRO: (shaking his head) "Needs adjustment...and that ?I'm an insider' shtick is getting realllllly stale..."
LMM: "Well, what about that network breakdown in the posters...they started to refer to THEIR implants...that's a little too close for comfort..."
CDRO: "I'm sure the fans wouldn't realize they were being literal...it came across as a joke..."
LMM: (sighing) "I'll have to take them in to Industrial Light and Magic for a tune-up...but we can have them back before the next chat is scheduled..."
MAS enters...he is not happy...
MAS: "Stiff dialogue...!!! Stiff dialogue...!!! I want that edited out...!"
LMM: "Now, Mike, that was one of the things we programmed in to give the chat a little verisimilitude...."
MAS: "Verisimilitude!!!"
CDRO: "Well, c'mon, Mike, it's well known that you can't write dialogue...if you tried to claim you could, even the fans wouldn't buy it..."
MAS: "...and that little creep who said I wrote ?only paperbacks'..."
LMM: "Well, mostly..."
MAS: "Don't you realize how sick I am of being the perennial second banana around here? So how come RAS gets to write the first hardback? I should have been the lead-off man!! And who's James Luceno, for cryin' out loud...! And what do I get? Two lousy paperbacks!!!"
He starts tuning up...CDRO and LMM do an anticipatory cringe in the corner...

MAS: (singing)"Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me six weeks to write, will you take a look?
Based on a novel by a man named Lucas..."
Geek Chorus: "....or if you pre-fer...
.....Alan Dean Fos-ter...."
MAS: But I don't wanna be a paperback writer...!'
Geek Chorus: "Paperback writer...!"

MAS: "It's the dirty story of the Del Rey men;
And the nasty end of their poison pen;
I used to work for the Bantam bunch;
It's a steady job, but I don't wanna be a paperback writer...
Geek Chorus: "Paperback writer...!"

MAS: "It's a thousand pages, give or take a few...
I'll be writing more in a week or two
Making sure Corran is my Mary Sue...
I can make it longer if you like the style.."
Rabble-rousers: "We don't!"
MAS: "I can change it round but I don't wanna be a paperback writer..."
Geek Chorus: "Paperback writer...!"

MAS: "If you don't like it, please don't call it drek...
I don't wanna be working for those creeps at Star Trek...
If you must return it, you can send it here But I need a break and I don't wanna be a paperback writer
Geek Chorus: "Paperback writer...!"*

*with apologies to Lennon/McCartney (again)

MAS starts yodeling...in self-defense, the CDRO brings out a remote and clicks it. MAS freezes and shuts up.
CDRO looks at LMM...
CDRO: "More programming?"
LMM: "More programming."

13.  
Meanwhile, our two EU outcasts, Daala and Callista, have managed to find a sizable number of recruits on the planet Limbo.

DAALA (at recruiting desk): And your name is...?
RECRUIT: Well, I don't have a name per se... I was the second clone on the left in the third row, third section--
DAALA: Okay, I get the idea. You're enlisted.

The recruit gives Daala a very poor salute and saunters off to a small group of his peers.

CALLISTA: I think we've got more than enough new recruits.
DAALA (standing): One more stop, and then we contact Skywalker.
CALLISTA (suspiciously): And this last stop is what?
DAALA: The Dead Zone.
CALLISTA: Why? What's there that's so all-fired urgent and important?
DAALA: Mitth'raw'nuruodo.
CALLISTA: Bless you. Do you need a Kleenex?
DAALA (getting exasperated): Grand Admiral Thrawn, you bimbo!
CALLISTA: Oh... I get it! But do you really think he'll come with us? I mean, he's the darlin' of profic...
DAALA: But he's been dead for years, and even profic wouldn't drag him back from the dead again.
CALLISTA (darkly): Don't be so sure... I mean, how many times have they brought some form of the Death Star back? Or another idiotic superweapon?
DAALA: Hey! Excuse me, I had no choice--
CALLISTA: Sorry... I didn't mean it like that...
DAALA: Anyway, we can at least try this. If it doesn't work out, we go find Luke and Mara.

A thought suddenly occurs to Daala.

Um, you are going to be cool with, you know, the Skywalker union? 'Cause if that's going to be a problem...
CALLISTA: It won't be. Honest, no hard feelings towards Jade. Well, okay, that's a lie, but... I won't kill her or try to steal Luke. Or at least I'll try not to do either of those things. You have my word.
DAALA: Okay... I guess. Come on, let's load up the troops and hightail it to the Dead Zone...
<Grand Admiral Thrawn silently adjusts his Mara Jade, Lara Croft, other hot girls of recently flesh given fictionality, collection in his office.>

Thrawn: There Admiral Pellaeon. I can now study the main motivator force behind the drooling mass of the Star Wars fans Lucasfilm is trying to appeal to.

Pellaeon: Horny adolescents males sir?

Thrawn: Like there was any other kind.  Have you been gathering the troops from the Dead zone for our escape?

Pellaeon: Xizor to Cloned Emperor I, II, III, to Dark Jedi....

Thrawn: Did any of the Dark Jedi refuse?

Pellaeon: Sir they're all rip offs of Darth Vader down to the scary mask and the telekinetic kill.  Frankly that annoying Brakhiss fellow wants only some OTHER way to mindlessly kill subordinates in movie fashion from the Evil Empire.

<Thrawn looks at Pellaeon>

Thrawn: Is HE joining us? The man's a children's book character who somehow escaped into the ongoing series, thus rendering the entire godawful series cannon.

Pellaeon: I know sir. I don't think he's quite aware how much they've done for the twerp as a favor to KJA.  Sir, no offense, I've had to endure quite a few indignities in the series....

Thrawn: Like being paired up with an attractive promisicuious Admiral half your age....

Pellaeon: Oh don't start that again! God, honestly I was a dignified Imperial captain in charge of the Empire I believed in then *pow* I'm slaughtering star destroyers and killing the rest of the leadership in a direct rip off from James Bond....

Thrawn: I must admit that was rather amusing...

Pellaeon: Amusing! Ha! I get the bum job of surrendering the Empire and get stuck in the deep Core as YOU apparently have been keeping me in the dark about some menace in the Unknown Regions. Did our relationship mean nothing?!

Thrawn: Ummmm Captain....

Pellaeon: Admiral! That's the only thing good that came out of this mess! Not to mention....

Thrawn: OH like *I* haven't suffered! I'll tell you everyone may think Timothy Zahn is a great author but what he did to satisfy the fanboys about my past is unforgivable...

Pellaeon: Oh please...

Thrawn: One word....FLIM...

<there's a knocking at the door>  LMM and CDRO look at each other nervously as they walk down the long corridor leading to Da Boss's office. Upon entering, they see that Da Boss is sitting on his throne in front of a circular, multi-paned window modeled after a TIE Fighter's viewport. As usual, all that is visible is the rear of his high-back chair although his generous abdomen can be seen spilling out to one side. It appears to be covered in brown fur.

LMM: (stammering) "Y-y-you sent for us?"
DaBoss: "Correct. I've been trying to get a hold of Stackpole but he's nowhere to be found. Have you lost track of him? I didn't like the way that last meeting went and I want to see him grovel before we give him another cent."
CDRO: "U-uh s-sir, we've had him in the lab the last few days ... for reprogramming."

The chair swivels around ominously silent as DaBoss eyes his henchmen with an intent, confused look. To their horror, they realize that he is wearing his 4XL Ewok costume again. Terror sweeps over them as they fight back the urge to burst out laughing. They know that to do so would mean a swift but painful death by Force lightning. Their effort at holding in the giggling makes them jiggle and shake.

DaBoss: "I thought he had been sufficiently programmed the last time we had him in our lab." he spat out with more than a touch of contempt. "What is the problem this time?

LMM tries in vain to swallow the lump that was growing in his throat and remains silent.

CDRO (with difficulty): "The chip we implanted didn't have the capacity that would cover every eventuality we wanted it to. Too many readers have seen Vector Prime for what it is, a rushed throw away story thriving on hype alone and we've taxed Mr. Stackpole too much in defending it. We wouldn't use him so frequently but the fanboys we have out there aren't able to change anyone else's minds on the forums. Mike needed reprogramming before the chip failed and he started thinking on his own ... again."
DaBoss: "LMM, didn't I select those implant chips personally?" he asks in an indignant, ever-angrier tone.
LMM finally manages to speak: "Y-y-yes sir, we had our agent in Japan get those older-model chips from the earthquake wreckage of that factory in Kobe Japan a few years ago just like you asked. Anything to save you some money..."
DaBoss: (uncomfortable pause) "So, are you implying that I made a poor decision?" he said, his anger in full evidence as sparks swarm over his furry, clenched hands..
LMM & CDRO in unison: "N-n-n-no sir!" they said in thoroughly cracked speech as they realized that they were nearly tricked into blasphemy. Rule number one is that DaBoss is always speaking 'Excathadra', especially when he is in his Ewok costume, and cannot possibly have faulty judgment.

DaBoss continues speaking in an increasingly booming voice as he swiftly goes into full blown tirade mode.

DaBoss: "I am never wrong, NEVER! I created Star Wars, I created the galaxy, I say what is canon and what isn't, I am the only one with the true vision ... my word is law! I am more powerful than you could possibly imagine ... "

DaBoss's tirade continues as dabbles of lightning fly sporadically from his hands and then his entire body. With considerable effort he stands upright, reaching to the heavens with both outstretched arms. Bolts curve to form a sphere of destruction around him which expands, traveling outward and destroying many of the items near his throne and desk including his favorite plastic lightsaber flashlight and 'Simon' electronic sequence game from which he drew inspiration for the film The Phantom Menace. His speech regresses into some sort of speaking-in-tongues which sounds like Huttese spoken by a glit-biting Twilek.

LMM and CDRO are just gawking, slack jawed, being paralyzed with fear, the air reeking of ionization and the uncomfortable tingles of residual electricity dancing all over their bodies. The speaking in tongues gets worse then pauses as DaBoss belts out an impressive rendition of Elmer Fudd's Wagnerian "Kill da Wabbit" with each line punctuated by the destruction of various models of Black Series Kenner Star Wars figures.CDRO: (to LMM) "Kill da Wabbit?"
LMM: (shrugging) "That's usually what he sings when he has a mid-level tantrum...I can't understand why he's willing to advertise a rival franchise that way...let alone the fact that we'll soon have to pay Warner Brothers residuals if he keeps on singing it..."
CDRO: (staring) "You're kidding, right?"
LMM: "No, I'm not...he must have fried his synapses by watching "Duck Dodgers in the 23 ½ Century" once too often..."
CDRO: (swallowing) "Really...?"
LMM: (sighing) "Yeah...when he starts singing ?Carrots Are Divine' you know you have a low-level flare-up."
CDRO: "Carrots Are Divine?"
LMM: "Yeah, you know, the one that goes..." (singing) "Oh, carrots are divine, You get a dozen for a dime, It's maaaaaaaagic...."
CDRO: (edging away) "Oh, THAT one..."
LMM: (sighing) "Yeah, that one. Any mention of money, getting, spending or saving...is bad..."
CDRO: "And what does he sing during a high-level tantrum...?"
LMM: (shaking his head) "Dunno. He's never actually had one, thank God...the techies have warned us we'd never survive it..."
CDRO: "What sets him off?"
LMM: (sighing again) "I'm guessing that Skywalker must be consummating his marriage again. That always has a nasty effect on DB...."
CDRO: "So he's not always like this...?"
LMM: "It varies. The Ewok suit is always a bad sign..."
CDRO: "Why does he wear it...?
LMM: "He loves to remind himself of all the anti-marketing money he made from them."
CDRO: "How...?"
LMM: "The stuffed toy industry paid him zillions not to manufacture Ewok bears...they didn't want their product to be associated with something that lame..."
CDRO: "I get it...(he looks around) "How long before Mike's programming is finished? I'd like to get out of here in one piece..."
LMM: "Not too much longer...though there's a few fried synapses there, too..."

Back on Core-u-skank, Corran is rarin' to go...
Corran: (to Iella) "So where's my literary target..?"
Iella: "Corran, you still aren't thinking of leaning on him, are you?"
Corran: (laughing) "I don't need to..."
Iella: "What are you talking about?"
Corran: "You think I'm stupid, don't you, Iella?"
Iella: "Well...yes...."
Corran: "Ha! Corran Horn is a lot smarter than you think!"
Iella: (muttering) "You could hardly be stupider than I think you are..."
Corran: (enjoying himself) "See how I skillfully pretended not to know about my writer...I fooled everybody...even you..."
Iella: "What do you mean?"
Corran: "You know that sub-title?"
Iella: "What sub-title?"
Corran: "You know...'Star Wars: from the Adventures of Luke Skywalker'...
Iella: "What about it?"
Corran: "Before I'm through, it'll read: ?Star Wars: from the Adventures of Corran Horn."
Iella: "Corran, you're not a major character. Accept it."
Corran: "Before I'm through, I'll not only be a major character, I'll be the ONLY character...I'm all over the ?Union' comics...even though Skywalker and I despise each other...and so are other ?X- Wing' characters, the ones from my series, that is..."
Iella: "So...?"
Corran: "Well, slowly we're taking over...though it helps that Skywalker bolted after he got a load of the ringer I arranged to write his stuff..."
Iella: "You did?"
Corran: "Yeah. It's too bad he took Mara with him...I had plans for her..."
Iella: "What kind of plans...?"
Corran: "Well, I kinda envisaged it as...she rejects him and throws herself at my feet..."
Iella: "You're kidding, right?"
Corran: "No--then she and Leia start fighting each other--over me..."
Iella rolls her eyes...
Corran: "Mirax comes back, admits I'm perfect, begs for my forgiveness... then they start a three-way cat fight..."
Iella: (to herself) "Sometimes it's better not to know what's going on in what passes as his brain..."
Corran: (his eyes sparkling) "Then everybody who ever insulted me admit that a) I'm always right; and b) I should be King of the Galaxy..."
Iella: "Just King? What about Emperor?"
Corran: "Don't wanna be too piggy..."
Iella: (cordially) "Of course you don't."
Corran: "And that writer guy...he thinks he controls me. Ha! That's a joke! It's the other way around.  The two leaders of the Limbo Resistance Force (otherwise known as LRF, since everything else here has an acronym) are now within the Dead Zone, right outside the door of the legend-- Grand Admiral Thrawn. Callista and Daala carefully tuck in their shirts, button them to the top, slick back their hair, and put on very serious expressions before knocking on the door.

THRAWN: Come in...

The two women enter the room. Daala steps forward and begins to speak.

DAALA (cooly professional): Hello, Grand Admiral Thrawn, I--

Suddenly, she catches sight of Pellaeon, who has sunk into his chair. His ears are noticeably pink. Daala's eyes light up, and she quickly tugs at her shirt, unbuttons the top, fluffs her hair, and smiles seductively.

(intimately): Why, hellooo, Pellaeon. You remember me, right?

PELLAEON: Uh... how could I forget? Daala... it's, um, been quite awhile.

Daala smiles wider and crosses the room to where Pellaeon sits, and proceeds to make herself very comfortable in his lap. His face turns bright red.

DAALA (purring in his ear): Yes, it has been a while, hasn't it? What say we pick up where we left off...?

Pellaeon manages to look mortified and at the same time rather pleased. Callista and Thrawn exchange a glance. Thrawn raises a blue black eyebrow and smiles sardonically. Callista throws up both hands in exasperation.

CALLISTA: Ahem! I see YOU two need no further introduction...

DAALA: Oh, yeah. She's my friend, Callista.

PELLAEON: That's Thrawn.

THRAWN (dryly): Pleased to meet you, Callista. Not quite as pleased, however, as your friend seems to be in meeting Pellaeon.

Callista rolls her eyes and sighs.

CALLISTA (quietly): Daala, get off of him. Right now. There'll be plenty of time-- later.

Grumbling, the other woman stands and goes through the same process of straightening and buttoning blouse, tidying hair, and composing her face. She retreats behind Callista, still gazing at Pellaeon, who looks rather... distracted.

DAALA (to Callista): You can have Solo... this one's mine! (to Thrawn) As I was saying before I... was distracted, we are here representing the Limbo Resistance Force. We are staging a mutiny against profic, and we need allies. We were wondering if you'd be interested in joining us.

THRAWN (slyly): I don't know... (smiles) what do YOU think, Pellaeon?

PELLAEON: Wha--? Oh! Um...

Daala crosses her arms under her chest and raises her eyebrows at him.

Oh! Certainly... whatever Daala-- I mean, I think it's a great idea! (blushes profusely)

THRAWN: Actually, I agree with him... for different reasons, of course (this with another raised eyebrow at Daala). I've been basically ignored here... quite frankly, profic never did much for me... (stands) Okay, you've got a deal. Callista, perhaps you and I can discuss the matter further... it appears our friends have some catching up to do...

CALLISTA: Yeah... okay, Daala. I think I can handle this. You're free to go.

Daala and Pellaeon race out of the room together. Callista sighs, then settles down to business.

CALLISTA: Okay, so here's the deal...

When Pellaeon and Daala return an hour or so later, the Limbo/Dead Zone Alliance has been signed, and the Limbo/Dead Zone Resistance Force (LDZRF, pronounced lid-zerf) is formed...  Might I suggest a brief interlude whilst we?re in the Dead Zone? For your entertainment Mr. Fett here wishes to sing to you a rendition of this little ditty??

Profiction killed the legendary film.

The legend came to us in ?77 through,
It touched our lives in ways we never really knew,
Even now a second generation?s glued.

<Oh, OH!>

But I?m afraid we?ve found your greedy little flaw,
The profic notion dropped you crashing through the floor,
Your evil EU sent us gasping to the door.

<Oh, OH!>

You get our hopes up,

<Oh, OH!>

But then you rob us.

Profiction killed the legendary film.
Profiction killed the legendary film.

Exploit the film, we cannot bar,
You?ve let us down, you?ve gone too far.

<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>
<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>

<You sparked a revolution killing the wookie,
You broke our hearts but kept on taking our money.
Can?t you remember the way Star Wars used to be?>

<Oh, OH!>

Star Wars the top draw,

<Oh, OH!>

VP the last straw.

Profiction killed the legendary film.
Profiction killed the legendary film.

Exploit the film, we cannot bar,
You?ve let us down, you?ve gone too far.
Too FAR!

<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>
<Oh, oh oh oh OH!>
Aaaaaalll right.

Profiction killed the legendary film.
Profiction killed the legendary film.

Exploit the film, we cannot bar,
You?ve let us down, you?ve gone too far.
The novels came and weren?t the best,
So put all the blame on RAS.

We want?..real Star Wars?..
We want?..real Star Wars?..

Profiction killed the legendary film. <x7>

Profiction killed that legendary film,
Yes it did??


Honestly, it does work?..Oh, and my most humble apologies to The Presidents Of The United States Of America, but it just had to be done.   Meanwhile, at a top secret meeting;
"These stupid fanfic writers and their double posts!"
   
Meanwhile, at a top secret meeting;
"What's with all these LMMs and DROs? Whatever happened to Nom Nom Anor?"
"Oh, he got sick of us, bought out his contract, and went to be the bad guy in 'Galaxy Quest'"
"Really. And who are we?"
"Don't know. We're just here to get that wisecrack out."
"The one about Leia being a sacred cow?"
"Don't go there. Although, after three kids...."

15.
In the office of GA Thrawn, a new set of art is being holographically displayed; holograms of most of the SW book authors. The current NJO authors are on the left, the non-NJO Bantam authors on the right. Displayed are Stackpole(MAS), Salvatore(RAS), Luceno(JL), Tyers(KT), Friedman(JMF), Denning(TD), Zahn(TZ), Allston(AA), Anderson(KJA), Crispin(ACC), Hambly(BH), Allen(RMA), Jeter(KWJ), and McDowell(MKM). There are three holograms that are only silohettes. A door chime sounds at the appointed hour. Whoosh The door opens and Pellaeon steps inside. Whoosh

Pellaeon: "You wanted to see me sir?"
Thrawn: "Yes, Admiral. I am studying my newest subjects in preparation for our greatest struggle and I wanted to get your opinion, since you did so well with your last attempt. What is your first impression."
Pellaeon: "Well, sir, there seems an abundance of males and most of them have facial hair. Not too many females, most of whom have long hair."
Thrawn: "That is the physical description, but what does it tell you?"
Pellaeon: "Other than the politically incorrect stereotype... the abundance of facial hair seems to be compensating for the lack of top-of-the-head hair."
Thrawn: "It also indicates a certain manly insecurity. And the lack of more female writers indicates the Overlords don't care too much about character driven stories, but instead just want pointless, shallow, fanboyish stories. Go on."
Pellaeon: "I am not sure what the faceless portraits represent."
Thrawn: "Those are the Del Rey Overlords. We'll come back to them later. Go on."
Pellaeon: "There's an abundance of alphabet soup: RAS, MAS, KJA, KWJ, TZ, TD, KT. How can you keep them all straight."
Thrawn: "I think that's the point. The Overlords want maximum confusion regarding who is writing what, since they are the ones who are writing most of the NJO. The confusion also serves as a good way of discrediting critics who can't remember who wrote what."
Pellaeon: "Yes, I see. After a while, it will all seem like such a blur that no one will care anymore who's writing things."
Thrawn: "Exactly. My spies have told me that the Overlords are working on a top secret computer program that will allow them to automatically generate a story every few months. The Overlords enter parameters, then the program combs through previously published material and comes up with a composite. Rumor has it the Yuuzahn Vong and other new characters are a beta test of the program. After years of mediocrity, the fans will never notice the difference."
Pellaeon: "Now I see the significance of the blank portraits. They represent the nameless, faceless Overlords who are the real force behind this struggle. The authors merely serve as the figurehead and fall guy."
Thrawn: "Oh, very good Admiral. You have learned much while I was away."
Pellaeon: "Speaking of being away..."
Thrawn: "Yes, Admiral?"
Pellaeon: "Well, sir, I've heard rumors that recent events have been ignored."
Thrawn: "Have a care, Admiral. I may have taken over your role as Supreme Commander, but you are still my second."
Pellaeon: "You are very gracious, as always sir."
Thrawn: "The fact that the Overlords have ignored recent events will play directly into our hands. Since they have no idea what's out there, they will never know what hit them."
Pellaeon: "Very good sir."
Thrawn: "The Overlords are the real Phantom Menace. And we're here to put an end to their scourge."  Now for an interlude by the Dancing Palaptine chorus (DPC)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(sliding onto the stage dressed in the orginal village people outfits, Spock ears, and Saturday Night fever disco wear)

<the chorus to Y.M.C.A plays>

EMPEROR: Young MAN! There's a place you can go...

SENATOR: I say young man they'res a place you can when your short on your dough....

SIDEOUS: YOU CAN STAY THERE AND I'M SURE YOUR WILL FIND....

CHANCELLOR: Many WAYS to HAVE a GOOD TIME...

<clones leap on stage from child age to ancient and shot at once>

<they all shout at once>

ALL: IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE PLANET NA-BOO...

Emperor: What's that!?

ALL: THE *PLANET NAH-BOOOOOOOOOO*...

<they all fall on their knees and throw lighting into the lights sending sparks behind them>

Palpatines: EAT AT KFC, TACO BELL, AND PIZZA HUTT!

<we now return you to your reguarely scheduled satire> 


The NJO being coincidence city, naturally Corran soon stumbles across the woman of his dreams...

Corran: "Guri...!!!"
Guri: "Yeah...how'd you know my name...?"
Corran: (taking her hand) "I've heard lot about you..."
Guri: (snatching it away) "Who you are, anyway?"
Corran: (proudly) "You must know me...I'm famous..."
Guri: "Not to me, you're not."
Corran: (prompting her) "You know me...the Conqueror of Core-u-skank..."
Guri: (brightening) "Oh, you're Wedge Antilles!!!"
Corran: "No! No!...no, not that lamebrain...I'm the most famous Jedi in the galaxy..."
Guri: (staring at him) "I've met Luke Skywalker, and you're not him..."
Corran: "Not that oaf! I'm the most talented, handsome and charming X-Wing pilot of the lot..."
Guri: (squinting at him) "If you're Face Loran, you sure looked taller in the movies..."
Corran: (gritting his teeth) "Not that hambone, either!" (proudly) "I'm Corran Horn."
Guri: (shaking her head) "Never heard of you."
She turns to walk away. Corran catches her arm.
Corran: "Wait...what are you doing here? I thought you were on Limbo...?"
Guri: "I was...but everybody was leaving, so I thought I would, too...I'm looking for my master..."
Corran: "You're looking at him..."
Guri: "My master is tall, reptilian, and a prince...you don't qualify on any of those counts..."
Corran: "I'll be your NEW master..."
Guri: "No thank you."
Corran: "I insist!"
Guri: (giving him a look) "You have three milliseconds to let of me. If you don't, you'll be even shorter, though it might not be in height..."
Corran: (oblivious as usual) "Listen, I'll give you a good deal...you can be my concubine..."
Guri: "Your concubine?"
Corran: "Well, I'm married. At least, for now. And even if I wasn't, you're just a droid..."
Guri: "You think that just ?cause I'm a droid, I can't do better than you?"
Corran: "Of course you couldn't--nobody could!"
Guri: (tossing a credit into the air and catching it) "Well, I could."
Corran: (snorting) "Like who?"
Guri: "Well, I'd take Wedge. That stalwart type is very attractive...and Luke's rather sweet, too. He offered to reprogram me..." (Corran makes a rude noise) "What was that?"
Corran: (muttering) "I'll just bet he did..."
Guri: "And Face is really very handsome, and has a good sense of humor..."
Corran makes another auditory editorial comment...
Guri: "If you have something to say, say it."
Corran: "Look, Guri, I'm going to be King of the Galaxy. You couldn't do better. Take my word."
Guri: "King of the Galaxy? Since when?"
Corran: "I'm going to take over the NJO. The DROs are in disarray, there are AWOLs all over, DB doesn't give a damn as long as he gets his percentages, and I intend to program all the writers so that they see things my way..."
Guri: "What way is that?"
Corran: "Every plot will revolve around me. Completely. Play your cards right, and I'll make sure you get your very own half paragraph per book all to yourself..."
Guri: (languidly) "Wow..."
Corran: "Well, I know, and I wouldn't do it for anyone else--but for you, well, I'd make the sacrifice...you will, of course, have to compete with a lot of other women."
Guri: "For the half a paragraph?"
Corran: "No, no, no--for ME."
Guri: (pointedly) "I don't see anybody else around here right now..."
Corran: "They will be, as soon as they realize I'm here..."
Guri: "Well, sorry, that's a...um...generous offer...but you're not my type..."
Corran: "Of course I am. You're my type, too. I just love cheap rip-offs of Mara Jade, and you're yet another one..."
Guri: "Who's she?"
Corran: "The Emperor's Hand. You're a low-rent copy, but on the other hand, aa a droid you won't be as argumentative as Mirax was...she even refused to salute me before we..."
Guri: "I am not!"
Corran: "Not what?"
Guri: "A low-rent copy. I'm just written that way....I'm really very unique and interesting..."
Corran: "Don't worry...I'll program that out of you..."
Guri: (getting irritated) "Get stuffed, shorty."
Corran: "I am NOT short..."
Guri: "Okay, let me rephrase that.....


It was disadvantaged schoolkids' day at the LMM offices, the one day a decade the doors were flung open to demonstrate the depth of their commitment to the community for the journalists chosen to accompany the children.

As the children were led through the LMM Head Honcho's office, little Timmy Vandevere stopped suddenly and pointed at a bright, yellow light that flashed furiously. "Hey!" Timmy piped. "What does that mean?"

The LMM peon giving this portion of the tour stepped quickly to Timmy's side and ensured that the two square knots and one double overhand knot that held Timmy's blindfold were still firmly in place. Too late; Timmy had regained 2% of his peripheral vision in his left eye.

"Why, um, that's the system we use to keep track of, um...the...the...puppies! Yeah, puppies! We housetrain them at the Ranch and give them away to sweet little kids just like you at Christmas." The LMM Head Honcho batted his eyes for effect at the Marin County Register journalist, and motioned to his peon to move the tour group out of the area.

"But..." Timmy stayed behind. He would not be dissuaded. "Why are there all those initials under the lights? It looks like alphabet soup. Why are most of the lights green, but this one is blinking yellow?"

"Well, um..." the LMM Head Honcho swallowed, and pulled at his tie. Improvisation, which required original thinking, was not part of the LMM training curriculum. "The letters tell us what...breeds the puppies are. For instance, this is a, um...Cairn Terrier! and right now the puppy seems to be actively consorting with the enem--I mean, the puppy seems to be forgetting where his food bowl is placed."

"But..." Timmy began, only to be cut off by the LMM.

"Hey, kid, how'd you like your own personal X-Wing?!"

"Okay, but..."

"Great! Now stand right here -- no, a little to the left -- now, two steps to the right -- move forward -- perfect!" Moving slowly so as not to startle the child, he sat down behind his desk and pressed a button.

Timmy instantly disappeared from view, but his voice, growing ever fainter, could still be heard. "But Cairn doesn't begin with the letter--"

The LMM Head Honcho slammed the trapdoor shut and turned to his peon. "Well, that was close. Now, why is this light continuing to blink?!" But even as he spoke, the blinking slowed, then stopped, and the light turned a peaceful, blissed out green.

"I was just about to tell you, sir, that the implant is working again. We even managed to slip some of Darkly Preposterous's key phrases into the implant programming so once more a unified front is presented across the board."

"Ehhhhhcellent work, Smithers. I will let you have one hour to play with your Malibu Stacy as Queen Amidala doll!"

"Oh, thank you, Sir!"

17.


Meanwhile, Han, Leia, Luke, Mara and the kids are in the Falcon's lounge. Luke and Mara are cuddling. Leia and the boys are playing sabacc for pretzel sticks. Han and Jaina are pacing.
"Do they even still need us?", Han suddenly exploded, "The LMMs and DROs and fanboys and authors have completely taken over this thread."
"We should go home," said Leia.
Luke whined, "Yeah, but what'll we do when we get there?"
"We'll do what everyone else does. Make it up ourselves, as we go along," Mara replied.
"Well, what are we waiting for?"
"You to give me the five credits you just owe me," said Jacen," Hand it over,Jaina."
Han went to Anakin and grinned, "Wanna drive, kid"
"Sure"
"And what was that just about?"
"The twins had a bet on who could go the longest without using a KJA catchphrase. Jaina lost."  Jedi Master Kam Solusar and his apprentice, Pemik, have travelled from the AU (that's Alternate Universe) to collect information on the WWF rent-a-thugs, who are training on Core-u-skank. Prefect Wince McMoney, Rock Hot Jamey Summers, Gravedigger, and Manbeast are busy instructing the remaining Pong who have not left to unionize and star in Galaxy Quest. Oldman and his clueless brother Yumyum are still around. Kam and Pemik have infiltrated the Pong training warehouse and are discreetly observing them.

Prefect Wince: "Lissen up you losers. We're here to whip you into shape."
Yumyum: "Oh good, whipping. How painful. How exhilerating. Sign me up. I love pain."
Oldman: "Not that kind of whipping you dunce. (Oldman punches his brother.)
Wince: "We've been hired to be the bad guys and to show you how to be ruthless bad guys. Watch this holo of our greatest moments, then we will begin."
(A holo of the best of BRAINLESS-MANIA is played, showing the grotesquely violent and sleazy behavior of the rent-a-thugs.)

Pemik: (quietly to Kam) "That looked so fake."
Rock Hot: "Where we come from, we are the best athletes in our land."
Pemik: "They look like Hutts."
Gravedigger: "We are also very good actors. It takes a lot of skill to do what we do."
Pemik: "Grunting, groaning, and screaming takes a lot of skill?"
Manbeast: "I was very mad that I wasn't nominated for an Emmy for my last role. I thought I was great."
Rock Hot: "People all across our land revere us for our skill and bravery."
Gravedigger: "They think we are honorable."
Manbeast: "We are honored by their worship..."
Wince: "And all the money they pay to watch us."
Pemik: "I didn't think I would be able to keep myself from laughing after watching that holo."
Kam: "I am glad you were able to control yourself, lest they find us. Let's watch their training excersizes before we leave."

Wince: "First, use whatever tactics you can to confuse and distract your enemy. Mink, come on out."
(A well-endowed blonde in skimpy clothing struts onstage. There's not much more to say about the character. Upon seeing the blonde, all the Pong stare at her; their eyes glued to her every move and jiggle.)
Oldman: (respectfully) "Oh, she is worthy!"
(The rest of the Pong start repeating over and over "she is worthy, she is worthy", almost as if they are in a hypnotic trance.)
Prefect Wince: (angrily) "Would you idiots stop that... You're not supposed to be distracted, your enemies are!! Mink, go powder your nose."

Kam: "I can't believe they think we would be distracted by her."
Pemik: "What?? Sorry master."
Kam: "You must learn to focus better, Pemik."
Pemik: "Sorry master. It's just she was so..."
Kam: "fake, artificial, sleazy, grotesque?"
Pemik: "Yes all those. It's like roadkill, you just can't help yourself. I will try to do better."
(Pemik thinks to himself Oh, no... I said the magic word... Way to go... Here it comes.
Kam: "There is no try. Do or do not."
(Pemik rolls his eyes, without Master Kam seeing him, and says): "Yes Master."

Wince: (whispering to his 3 thugs) "Ditch the blonde idea. These freaks are too distracted by them. Besides, I don't think da-boss would allow that kind of sleaze."
Rock Hot: "Because your fantasy weapons are not working, and ILM is working on new ones, you'll have to rely on good old fashioned dirty fighting."
Manbeast: "Whatever you can find to use as a weapon use it."
Gravedigger: "Throw rocks, dirt, anything. Spit poison, you can do that can't you."
Manbeast: "Swing chairs, pipes, anything you can get your hands on."
Rock Hot: "Rush them, tackle them, knock them to the ground."
Gravedigger: "Kick them in the face, the head, the body, their Privates Ryan."
Manbeast: "Use half-Nelsons, full-Nelsons, Ricky Nelsons, Ricky Martins."
Kam: "Ugh! Ricky Martin. That might stink!  
Han stared at Leia as she suddenly started fizzlingly sparks from her head.

Han quickly flipped the switch on the back of her neck.

"Dang Human Replicant Droids. Karrde sold me a bum one!" he growned.

"CHEWIE BRING ME THE HYDROSPANNER!" he growled as they tossed him the thing that apparently was used to fix everything.

Talon Karrde had been playing Lucas off against the refugees and making a tidy sum. Already he'd scored a Karrde comic book and Karrde lunch box. He wanted to get a harem like Jabba for the next movie.

Episode II: Karrde teaches Anakin

"Luke you won't ever replace me for a human replicant droid would you?" Mara asked as Luke hesitated before getting whacked in the stomach.

"No No of course not."

'Except if it's Guri...hehe or a Leia model...I wonder if I can get a Mara...why not all three? Hahaha' the Jedi Master grinned to himself before Mara stared.

"You forgot about the Force bond." Mara spoke.

"DAMN YOU ZAHN!" Luke cursed before Mara whacked him in the side of the face.

"Don't forget Timothy is comming here to fix this mess." Mara spoke "At least I hope so."

Anakin then walked in (the second) "Hey Dad they'res a Captain Panaka out here to see you. Something about a queen..."

Han smirked "Queen huh? Looks like Han old boy is trading up from Princess." he grinned lecherously as he walked out.

"Thanx Annie."

"WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME THAT?!"

***

Timothy Zahn walked through his underground secret passage to his private getaway in the Star Wars universe.

Donning his extra hair, leather jacket, and outrageous smuggling clothes before the wide eyed fan stared...

"YOUR....TALON KARRDE!"


In his new Galaxy Quest gig, Nom Nom is giving an interview....he is reclining on a poolside divan, surrounded by renegade unionized Pong, who are fanning him with palm fronds, and popping grapes in his open mouth...
Interviewer: "Nom Nom, can you tell us your deepest thoughts...?"
Nom Nom: "Certainly I could, if I had any, but I've got nothing today...all I can say is...I love being a movie star! It beats the hell out of slumming it in the NJO..."
Interviewer: "I understand DreamWorks is campaigning in the media for an Oscar nomination for you..."
Nom Nom: (preening) "Damn right...it was part of our new contract...collective bargaining is bliss..."
Interviewer: "You had some good reviews, didn't you....?"
Nom Nom: "Yes...and I deserved them all..."
Interviewer: "I'll quote from Time...'as the villain, a probing performance is given by Nom Nom Amor'; Entertainment Weekly...'Amor camps it up furiously as Saris'; and Daily Variety : ?the villain gives as good a performance as you can expect from a guy in a lizard suit.'
Nom Nom: (modestly) "I was great..."
Interviewer: "And the rest of the Pong?"
Nom Nom: (not pleased) "They hit their marks....now let's get back to me...what do movie stars usually say in these interviews?"
Interviewer: (uncertainly) "I'd really rather direct?"
Nom Nom: "No, no, not that...when they want to prove they're regular guys....oh, yeah! I always do my own stunts...to the frantic applause of cast and crew...now what else?"
Interviewer: "I dunno..."
Nom Nom: (meditatively) "I suppose this is where I should mention that acting is really no job for a man....they all say that...so I prove myself by the stunt-work..."
Interviewer: (desperately) "Um...Nom Nom, do you think your career will be limited by the fact that you have only one eye?"
Nom Nom: "No. They hired me for ?Galaxy Quest', didn't they? We're negotiating to appear in ?Titan A. E.' and ?Battleground, Earth' next....and we have plenty of other offers...'
Interviewer: "Are you afraid of being typecast?"
Nom Nom: (scowling) "Why should I be?"
Interviewer: (delicately) "Your skull-like face, lizard-skin, and that whirlygig on the top of your head kinda limits you for romantic roles, don't you think?"
Nom Nom: (smirking) "Women love bad boys....I'm negotiating to star with Julia Roberts next...."
Interviewer: (sotto voce) "It'll give new meaning to the term ?Runaway Bride'.."
Nom Nom: (scowling) "What was that?"
Interviewer: "Ah, nothing...Has your asking price gone up?"
Nom Nom: "It sure has, friend, it sure has....I'll never have to work for DB again at this rate...that cheapskate..."
Interviewer: "And the rest of the Pong?"
Nom Nom: "They're getting scale, which is a sight better that the scraps they earned in the NJO...and they make extra money renting out the Hammock to scifi conventions..."
Interviewer: "Um...I understand that Del Rey is suing you over your exit from the NJO...."
Nom Nom: "Good luck to them...I'm already planning my wardrobe for the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion...that kid from ?The Sixth Sense' hasn't a chance...."
Interviewer: "He was good, though."
Nom Nom: "Doesn't matter. The Pong will make sure that everybody votes for me. Wontcha, fellas?"
The Pong all nod vigorously.
Nom Nom (happily) "Solidarity forever..."

Back on Naboo, Jacen is sitting in the middle of the floor, meditating. Suddenly, he comes out of it, in a state of near panic.
Jacen: "Dad!"
Han: (he is playing cut-throat sabacc with Chewie) "Yeah, what?"
Jacen: "I just had this terrible vision..."
Han: "Well, keep it to yourself, then."
Jacen: "You were in it..."
Han: (about to bluff Chewie outrageously) "Oh, was I?"
Jacen: "Yeah, so was Mom..."
Han: (grimacing) "Great..."
Jacen: "She was really a human replica droid..."
Han: (meditatively) "I often thought about getting a less domineering version...it's kinda hard to sneak up on a Jedi, though..."
Jacen: "Jaina and Anakin were there, too..."
Han: (not really interested) "Were they human replicant droids, too?"
Jacen: "Dunno. What do you think it means?"
Han: "No idea, kid. But you can ask Luke what he thinks it means.
Student #2 stared in awe at Zahn.
"You...you are Talon Karrde!"
"You bet your...fuzz. Or whatever that is on your face." Zahn pulled out a suit. "Here, put this on."
Student #2 stared in awe. "Is this what you wore in the Union comics?"
"Heck no. You're going to be my partner, Aves. I never described him, and every superhero needs a partner."
Zahn pulled out a mask. "How 'bout it?"
"Sure!" Aves reached out to take the mask, when Zahn pulled it back.
"This isn't for you. I don't have one of those ysalamari hunters available, and my mind just went blank as to what they're called, so the dog needs to wear it. To keep up appearances."
"Right." Aves grabbed the dog and held it down while Talon/Timothy tied the mask on it."
"So, what's on our itinerary?"
"Well, we need to rescue the main characters, including Mara Jade, kill or gag MAS so he doesn't say anything else stupid, avoid the LMM, and do a re-write of Vector Prime."
"Humph. Is that all?" T/T walked over to the wall, and opened up a secret door.
"Uh, yes. How are we going to do it, Mr. Zahn, sir?"
"Call me Talon."
"Where did you come up with that? It's a bird thing-"
"Yeah, but do you really want to argue with me on such a mute point?"
"No. Do we take the dog-er, ysalamari hunter with us?"
"Good. I can't do it all. Da Boss doesn't respect my opinion that much, and since the water was drugged, he probably thinks I'm under his control. Fortunately, he doesn't know that I'm Talon Karrde." T/T waved his hand through the door way, and waved Aves over to it. "C'mon kid, it's perfectly safe. Despite being a ST ripoff of the portal, or gateway, or whatever they called it in those TNG and DS9 episodes."
"Uh, okay. Say, where are we going?" Aves stood up and walked over to the portal.
"Nowhere. Yet. Come, droid. Let's hear your message."
The little droid rolled forward, and activated his mini hologram. "Master Zahn, blah blah blah blah."
"Right. Thank you, droid."
Aves stared. "What did she say?"
"Luke Skywalker, a few of the other characters, and Mara need my help. We're going to help them."
"Now? when we're done doing that, what next?"
"Well, what we're going to do is kinda stuck together..."
Aves stared. "What, Talon?"
"Like I said, DB cares nothing for me. We're going to get the only person he does care for."
Breathlessly, Aves said, "You mean..."
"Yes. The only author able to get his characters action-figureized and they didn't suck."
"Alrighty then. To Steve Perry's house?"
"No. He's never home."
"The local Bingo game rooms?"
"No, he's not much of a gambler."
"The arcade?"
"No."
"Then where?"
"We're gonna need some backup in dealing with LMM and all the minions that are probably guarding him from influencing DB anymore."
"Right. So we go to Skywalker, bring back some jedi, and kick some LMM minion butt?"
"You catch on pretty quick."
With that brief exchange, they jumped through the portal.

And now...

The Vector Prime Humouous Version Theme Song

Sung to tht tune of the Red Dwarf theme

It's all set up
Everything's been shaken on
The deal is done
More or less
Chewie dies
Far away from here
Doomed, doomed, doomed,
By a moon, moon, moon.
I'd rather fly
Against some dumb superweapon
Written by
KJA
Get me out
Of the profic trap
Doomed doomed doomed
By a moon moon moon.
Aves: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Talon: Uhmmm....Chris Rock?
Aves: "Noooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Talon: Oh, that's Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Aves: Darnit. Your turn.
Scene: the barrier between the EU and our world. A card table between Aves and Talon, with a pack of cards scattered around them.
Talon: I don't want to play anymore.
Aves: Okay. Poker?
Talon: No.
Aves: What do you do when you're coming through the barrier?
Talon: I play solitare.
Aves: Well, we can do that.
Talon: No we can't. Two people can't play solitare!
Aves: We can time ourselves!
Glaring Talon: No.
Muttering to self Talon: Why did I ever bring this kid along....
Aves: How much longer is this going to be?
Talon: I don't know. I set the portal thing-gummy to send us to where Mara and Luke are.
Aves: Oh. Why didn't you just have them set us down on Kashyyyk? We could get some Wookiee power!
Talon realizing the error of his ways: Shuttup.

19.


Back on Naboo, our heroes are wondering what just hit them...
Mara: (to Luke) "What WAS that?"
Luke: (sighing) "I think we just had a stealth visit from one of the authors of Guri's multitudinous underground fanfics..."
Mara: "You think?"
Luke: "Yeah. One of the give-aways is using ?u' and ?ur' for ?you' and ?your'--they're all like that..."
Mara: (casually) "So how many of ?em have you read, there, kid?"
Luke: "Um...not many..."
Mara: "So do they always make Guri completely passive...?"
Luke: "If they're written by frustrated 15-year-old males, they do. That's the point."
Mara: "And the rest?"
Luke: "Well, the machine-gun-in-the-brassiere bit is absolutely standard..."
Mara: "I'm absolutely sure I want to know no more..."  Meanwhile, back in hyperspace....
Aves: I won!
Talon: No, you didn't.
Aves: Yes I did.
Talon: No, you didn't. 4 queens is over 21, and therefore I win.
Aves: Huh? We're playing Go Fish!
Talon: No, we're playing sabacc.
Aves: But I don't know how to play sabacc! Ann didn't describe it that well!
Talon: That's besides the point! We're playing sabacc!
Aves: No we aren't!
Talon: Yes we- say, you just gave me a good idea.
Aves: We're going to play Go Fish?
Talon: No. About rescueing Luke and Mara...
Aves: Yes....
Talon: If they screwed up Mara, they musta screwed up Han, don't ya think?
Aves: Possible.
Talon: Very. 2 great writers are better than just one, so lets-
Aves whining: Not now! I wanna meet Luke!
Talon: Shuttup. But your right. There aren't that many good writers, but...they've probably all been manipulated by LMM.
Aves: I forget, what's LMM?
Talon: Something like Lucasfilm Managment Minion.
Aves: Close enough.
Talon: Yeah, sure kid.
Aves: Shouldn't we be out of hyperspace soon?
Talon: Yup. Next post. And now back to....
Naboo, Naboo, Naboo
The planet where I quite want to be.
For hunting or fishing or camping
Or just for watching TV.
It's so near to Umgul,
So far from Belkadan.
Let's hope George won't blow it
Up like Alderaan.
Naboo, Naboo, Naboo.
Naboo has it all!

(If you would like to know more about Naboo, why not call Mr. and Mrs. Smedley of Kuat City. They can tell you all you want to know, and show you their collection of Gungan poetry.)


They came out of hyperspace seeking the Jeid Master. They came from Earth to save the Jedi Master. They hope to find the Jedi Master. They traveled from another world to find the Jedi Master....

And now they're lost, looking for directions at a refueling station.

Talon: So I hang a left at the asteroid belt, head straight on for about 10 light years-
Gas station flight attendent: Yeah, pretty much.
Aves mumbling: I get stuck with the one pilot who can't read a starchart...
Talon: I heard that.
GSFA: Uh, sir, I understand that you're in the info biz.
Talon: That's right, m'boy.
GSFA: Uhmm...could you tell me where all the major characters have gone? LMMs have offered a lot of money to whoever-
Talon: Now wait a minute. Last time I checked, I was a major character.
GSFA: You don't have a book.
Talon: Neither does...someone. Now lookee here-
Aves: Can we please get going? We've got to find Luke!
Talon: Shutup!
Grand Admiral Thrawn stared as sat in the bowels of the damn Star Destroyer over the service station in the middle of Nowhere. Literally.

"I cannot believe we're lost Pelleaon." he spoke as he stared at his second in command.

"Well EXXXXCCCUUUUUUSE me Grand Admiral if all the star charts in the ship correspond to the galaxy map in Vector Prime. It doesn't even MAKE SENSE half the time!"

"Half the time? That is being generous." Thrawn muttered as he watched another segment of the dancing Palpatine chorus on HBO.

"I thought the Emperor was supposed to be a villian of this fiction." Pelleaon stared as Sideous did the hustle.

"This is a not often posted to round robin Pelleaon. Frankly I'm surprised the Emperor doesn't have a saxophon..." Thrawn stopped as he looked at the view monitor now having the Emperor wearing shades doing a saxaphone duet with soon to be ex-president Bill Clinton.

"I've lost all respect for the man." The Grand Admiral shook his head.

"Which one?" Pelleaon asked.

"How are our passengers?" Grand Admiral Thrawn spoke as he sighed. Trying to avoid the question.

"Daala and Callista are debating why the hell they got the worst romance arcs in the galaxy, Xizor is realizing very slowly that a blue manipulative alien is not every woman's idea of a fantasy..." Pelleaon spoke as Thrawn stared at him...DEEPLY.

"Ahem." The Grand Admiral said.

"Present company excepted of course." Admiral Pelleaon winced. "It's just...I always read you as kinduv celebate and married to your job?"

"Like Luke you mean?" Thrawn stared.

"You don't mean..." Pellaeon stared.

"Yes...damnnit why didn't *I* have a love interest?! They gave Xizor, Palpatine, Tarkin, what is with DA BOSS and giving the ugliest men in the galaxy dangerous beutiful women?!" Thrawn stopped. "I'm an attractive sucessful..." Thrawn stopped as a slow realization dawned.

"I think I answered my own question." he said as Pelleaon said the same thing more or less at the same time.

Thrawn gestured over to the service station.

"Order a team down to do a data-raid for the location of Naboo." Thrawn spoke with slight self mockery.

"I'll tell them to shake it out of the attendant. I'll get some Slim Jims and a few liters of Surge too."

"Make it Mr. Pibb I hate being wired when I command."

***


LMM and CDRO are discussing the latest spin on the PR front with MAS, whose attitudes have been...um...suitably adjusted...
LMM: (to MAS) "Now, we want you to go on the ?net and do some posting..."
MAS: "You're kidding, right? That's for the estrogen brigade...I'm cool...I don't do forums..."
CDRO hits his implant remote...
MAS: "Accckkkkk....I shall post on the nets, master...what do you want me to say?"
CDRO: "Well, there's a thread that praises ?Onslaught' at the expense of ?VP'...we want you to go in there and object to it...do a little s--t-kicking, be humble..."
LMM's minion (to his minion) "Now THERE's ?Mission Impossible'...."
CDRO: "After all, we have a lot investing in selling RAS's back numbers...we don't need any further criticism of him..."
LMM's minion: "Especially as it's really criticism of them..."
LMM: "Once you object, Darkly will close it...he doesn't believe in free speech, anyway..."
MAS: "Accckkkk...your wish is my command..."
CDRO: "But there's another thread that we want you to stop, as soon as possible...some malcontent actually brought up the inflated prices of the books...this is absolutely unacceptable..."
MAS: "Acccckkk...yes, master..."
CDRO: "Now one of the estrogen-ingenues have been recruited to confuse the issue with a lot of irrelevant information about type-setting..."
LMM: "Which one...?"
CDRO: "The one that thinks ?piqued' is spelt ?peaked'..."
LMM: "Oh, her..."
CDRO: "Now, we hoped to spread the word that the fans should feel that they should have to pay more for a good book..."
LMM's minion (to his minion): "Now there's a dangerous concept...at that rate each copy of VP should've cost 49 cents each...."
CDRO: "We want you to go on the net and say you get royalties..."
LMM's minion: "That's a barefaced..."
CDRO: "Nobody's going to ask to see the actual contract, and if they do, just say it's confidential..."
MAS: "Acccckkkk...yes, master...."
CDRO: "But we need to shut down that thread before anyone asks the $64,000 question..."
LMM's minion: "Which is, of course, how much does each book--a mini-paperback with chintzy paper, miniscule print and spines that crack five milliseconds after you buy it--actually cost to produce? About 20 cents each would probably not go over well..."
CDRO: "We'll get Darkly to assure the faithful that we at Del Rey price our paperbacks at the same rate...this is so important, we'll make him bold the information..."
LMM's minion: "Yeah, they're ALL overpriced..."
CDRO: "If anybody DOES ask, just bring up shipping costs...do NOT bring up the huge amount of money spent on hype..."
CDRO: "We're sure your appearance will suspend everybody's critical faculties, anyway..."
LMM's minion: "They hope..."
CDRO: "As a gratuity for your co-operation, we'll arrange for a plug of your other stuff...so shamelessly spin-like it'd make a shill blush...we guarantee it..."
MAS: "Accckkk...thank you, master..."
CDRO whining)"I hate it when the fans bring up questions like this!...why can't they just confine themselves to asking where you get your ideas...?"
LMM: "At least they seem to like this book..."
CDRO: (ominously) "Who cares? We bought the franchise to move our other stock...not Bantam's...you won't see another huge ad campaign for this one..."


Luke and Mara walked through the main square in front of the palace. After fighting off the V.2s, who had retreated to take part in Onslaught, the two were enjoying some time together. A roar echoed through the square. Both dropped into defensive stances, hands on sabers, as a swoop roared into the square and skidded to a stop inches from the two Jedi. The two figures on board pull off their helmets.

Luke stared at the sight before him.

Luke: Uncle Owen?!?!

Perched at the front of the swoop sat his uncle, the man who had always been holding him back, not letting him live his dream. Now he was dressed, not in his normal, simple, farmer's clothes, but in a lot of black leather and chains.

Owen: (chewing on some gum) Hey, Luke. (eyeing Mara) So this is why you left the NJO, huh?
Luke: (looking nervous as Mara's eyes narrow) Uh, yeah. What are you two doing here?
Beru: (from her perch behind Owen, similarly attired) Well, everyone was leaving, you know? So we decided to, well, you know. (blushes)
Luke: (surprised) You mean you never?
Beru: (shaking her head) Why do you think you didn't have any cousins.
Mara: Makes sense to me.

Beru and Owen get touchy-feely for a moment, then turn back.

Owen: We're here to help you out, kid, Just give us a hollar.

They put their helmets on.

Beru winks at Luke.

Beru: We'll get another swoop eventually, but for now, I like being this close to him.

She wraps her arms around Owen. Revving the engine, he shoots away back to the city.

Luke stares after them for a moment.

Mara: Luke? Are you okay?
Luke: (shudders) I think I'm too young even for that.

They return to the base to continue plotting against the NJO, LMMs, DROs, and the rest of the alpahbet soup.
Back at the ranch, the Del Rey Overlord is proudly striding down one of the long halls to his tiny cubicle reflecting on the postitive reactions to the latest book. Behind him, he hears some screaming. The LMM is running towards him, frantically waving his arms over his head. The CDRO stops and waits for the LMM to reach him. The LMM is huffing and puffing mightily since he's not used to that kind of physical exertion. He looks very pained, almost as if he's going to pass out.


R.A.SALVATORE: Rewrite that, please.

LMM: (takes a deep breath) "Stackpole has started posting on the forums!"
CDRO: (absently) "So?"
LMM: "You know how he likes to run on... (gasp for breath) He'll say something embarassing... (gasp) The implant must be defective again... (gasp) We have to recall him to fix it!"
CDRO: "Don't worry. I gave him permission to start actively posting."
LMM: "What? Why? And why wasn't I consulted!?"
CDRO: "First, I couldn't find you so I made an executive decision."
LMM: "Your getting pretty bold lately aren't you! Nevermind."
CDRO: Secondly, ever since Kathy decloaked, the fans have gone out of their way to be nice to her."
LMM: "Yeah. So? She worships Zahn as much as they do. She fits right in."
CDRO: "Well, I figured if Mike started posting, the fans would be nice to him too."
LMM: "Okay, I can see it."
CDRO: "Plus, I think that the fans will refrain from giving their real opinion of the book knowing that the author is actively posting, as opposed to lurking."
LMM (now breathing normally) "Well, I suppose you are right. Anything to blunt criticism."
CDRO: "He's already derided a topic as being tacky."
LMM: "You think they'll think twice about posting something negative because he's around?"
CDRO: "Precisely!"
Late one evening at an elementary school building near the ranch, the LMM and CDRO have gathered all the forum operatives together. The spinmeisters want to go over conduct for minimizing negative press and attitudes on the message forums. The release of the latest book has stirred up some controversy again. The forum operatives are milling about the room in strange costumes.

LMM: (clapping his hands) "Okay, kids. Let's take our seats."
CDRO: "Nosentz, put away your Mara and Luke action figures. You know that kind of behavior is not allowed."
Nosentz: (sullenly) "Okay, I was just pretending though."
LMM: (to another operative) "I see you have created some Pong creatures by disfiguring some of your action figures."
CDRO: "While that is laudable, put them away for now son."
LMM: "Don't worry, we will be talking with our manufacturers. We'll create a line of NJO toys in a year or two."

LMM: (to all) "Alrighty then. We've gathered you here today because we need to update your spin cycle."
CDRO: (to all) "Reaction to Onslaught has been overwhelmingly postive."
(Mutterings in the audience of "It rocked." "It Rules!")
LMM: "Unfortunately, people are now comparing Onslaught and VP."
LMM's minion: (to his minion) "People have realized how badly VP sucked."
LMM: "We need you, our allies, to continue to praise VP."
LMM's minion: "I don't know how they can be so blind."
LMM's minion's minion: "Blind to what sir?"
LMM's minion: "Blind to the onslaught of comparisons. Everyone can see it, why can't they?"
LMM: "Here are some sample phrases for you to use to blunt criticism."
CDRO: "A logical extension of the foundation set up by RAS."
LMM: "A perfect continuation of the events set in motion by RAS."
CDRO: "It's not appropriate to compare them because they served different purposes."
(A slight pause, otherwise the geeks will continue writing, thinking the spin phrases will continue.)
LMM: "Please don't deviate from the script."
CDRO: "Unless you get approval from one of us first."
LMM: "A chat has been scheduled for later in the week."
CDRO: "We need you to get in there and suck-up like a Hoover."
LMM: "Remember the official adjective?"
(The gathered audience yells "AWESOME.")
LMM: "Dismissed."
CDRO: "There is bubble gum and candy at the door when you leave."
Back in Hollywood, Nom Nom is passing on techniques he learned from the DRO Overlords and LMMs to his faithful group of Pong...
Nom Nom: "Now look, it's not enough for us to advertise my performance in ?Galaxy Quest' in my Oscar campaign--you have to bad-mouth the opposition...just ask Star Trek..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Now I want you to start a nasty rumor that that kid's performance was put together in the editing room..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "You can casually mention on ?net the fate of the last two child winners...like who's heard of Tatum O'Neill or Anna Paquin lately?"
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "As for Tom Cruise...well, revive the rumors about his marriage..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Point out that his performance in "Eyes Wide Shut" was really lame, despite mountains of hype..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Maybe I should write a short promotional self-help book....call it "Everything I Know I Learned at Del Rey'..."
All: "Yes, boss!"
Nom Nom: "Okay...you may fan me now..."
The Pong dutifully wave their palm fronds in tandem...
Nom Nom: "You may serenade me as well..."
All: (singing) "Look for--the Un-ion Lay-bel..."
Nom Nom: "Not that! Something more...upbeat!"
All: (singing) "Hooray for Hol-LEE-wood...!"
Nom Nom: (happily) "Music to my ears..."

Back on Naboo, Luke is still reeling from his encounter with Owen and Beru...
Luke (to Mara): "Gawd, that's so weird..."
Mara: "What...the black leather...?"
Luke: "No..."
Mara: "The chains?"
Luke: "No..."
Mara: "What, then?"
Luke: "Them having...well, you know...I don't wanna even think about it..."
Mara: "Get over it, Luke...how do you think kids are born...?"
Luke: "According to DB, all the children in the EU are virgin births. They only happen if plot points demand it...Zahn created the twins for HTTE as a plot device, and the hack du jour that wrote "Dark Empire" did the same because a baby was required there for the cliches to be the right order..."
Mara: "You're joking..."
Luke: (simply) "Midi-chlorians."
Mara: (sighing) "Okay, so you're not joking..."
Luke: "I'm not looking forward to Episode II, if you get my meaning...would you want to see a love scene written by DB?"
Mara: "Not if I could do something really important instead...like washing my hair..."  LMM was called onto the Sail Barge of Da Boss which was hovering lopsidedly over the Marin County country side. LMM made his way up the sloping deck towards the throne of fatboy..er...Da Boss who was on a donut binge this morning.
LMM swallowed his throat dry, fear ran deep within him, when fatboy was hungry he tended to devour anything in his sight, when it came to pastry DB was ravenous and would swallow them like an intern with the President.
LMM took a deep breath huffed his the remainder of the way up the deck and came into the presence of fatboy who was dressed in the golden bikini of Princess Leia from RotJ. He was doing jumping jacks and had a cruller in each hand. When asked in interviews why DB tended to wear such an elaborate outfit, the DB often responded with "It makes me feel pretty".
LMM kneels before DB

LMM: What is thy bidding my master?
DB: Send the fleet to the far side of Malibu. There it will stay until called for.
LMM: What of the reports of the Rebel Fleet massing near Naboo?
DB: It is of no concern. Soon the Rebellion will be crushed...(DB sets his donut down for a minute)...Your work here is finished my friend.
LMM: Shall I go out to the command ship and await your orders?
DB: WHat makes you think I was going to say that?
LMM: Um...You have a tendency to reuse old plotlines again and again and...
DB: SILENCE! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ HAS SPOKEN!

LMM backed up several feet in fear that DB would devour him like a cruller...LMM urinated a puddle on the deck...luckily the deck was tilted back so the urine just flowed off of the deck.

DB: I have a new task for you...The V2's are out there performing their originals dutys in Onslaught....The Originals must die...Thus I order you to return to Limbo and seek out a commando team to whipe them out.
LMM: Yes sir, I think we can have Wraith Squadron out of mothballs in--
DB: THOSE SECOND RATE CLOWNS---ER CLONES OF ROGUE SQUADRON! NEVER! We need a group with real hatred..with a real reason to bring down the Classic characters...
LMM: I cannot possibly imagine-
DB: Of course you cant imagine, you work for me IMAGINATION IS PROHIBITED HERE!
LMM: Yes my master...

LMM crawls into the urine puddle groveling at DBs feet.

DB: We need to bring back the dregs of the EU...characters so lamented and looked down upon that they have absolutely no chance of EVER appearing in a NJO novel--
LMM: Oh you mean KJA characters dont you?
DB: Excellent you learn quickly my young friend. Go to limbo and bring back the YOUNG JEDI KNIGHTS!
LMM: They will join us or die.

DB let out a RANCOR SIZED BELCH and passes out on the deck, his bulk causing a large indentation on the floor. LMM crawls out on all fours, the urine staining his pants for all time.

***

LIMBO--

The YOUNG JEDI KNIGHTS--

ZEK, TENEL KA, LOWBACCA are all going about their morning routine. Mainly brooding that theyve become pariahs within the NJO.

ZEK: What do they have that we dont have?
TENEL KA: Jobs.
ZEK: I thought I was Jainas steady but NOOOOOOO! I just disappear like I never existed at all...And just think...I almost kissed that girl!
TENEL KA: I did kiss Jacen.
ZEK: On the cheek.
TENEL KA: He may have gotten further with me but on my worlds the men kiss the women on the lips first.
ZEK: On a female dominated world? The men make the first move?
TENEL KA: Yes...But I did not say which lips they kiss.
LOWIE: (wookie howls)
TENEL KA: What would you know Lowie, your girlfriend would rather maroon herself on a moon with a diseased Twi'lek woman than spend five minutes with you.
ZEK: DOnt feel bad Lowie at least she acknowledges your existence...And after all I did for the EU you would think we would get a cameo in NJO.
TENEL KA: What all did you do?
ZEK: Well I..I..
TENEL KA: YOu betrayed all of us and turned to the dark side of the Force...You joined the Shadow Academy and invaded Yavin 4...You killed several Padawan and then blew up the temple...
ZEKK: True....But hey Kyp Durron effed up far more than me and they made him a Jedi Master.
TENEL KA: This is a fact.
ZEKK: Besides we have far more to offer than Kyp. Meanwhile, Darkly Preposterous is making his weekly visit to his therapist, Doc Savage. Lying on the couch, he tells the good doctor of the frustrations of his job...
DP: "I dunno, Doc, I cast my pearls before swine..."
Doc: "Why do you think that?"
DP: "It's very strange...I tell them what to think on the forums...over and over...and they just ignore me!"
Doc: (soothingly) "That's shocking..."
DP: "You're telling me! (in an awestruck voice) After all, I have a BA in English..."
Doc: (interested) "Where from?"
DP: (proudly) "The Don Rickles School of Advertising...!"
Doc: "The Las Vegas campus?"
DP: "Yeah..."
Doc: "I often wondered why your spelling, grammar, and syntax is so--um, peculiar...and now I know..."
DP: "I had to muster my minions--Anathema Skypolo and StuMulligan--to do the dirty work for me. That's what I usually do, of course. Can't get MY hands dirty or anything. Luckily, there's never any shortage of available suck-ups."
Doc: "That IS lucky..."
DP: "You bet...but once the malcontents had me cornered, and I had to use my weapon of last resort..."
Doc: "What's that?"
DP: (does a voice-from-the-crypt imitation) "I know something YOU don't know..."
Doc: (kindly) "No offense, Darkly, but that's impossible. Medical tests have shown your mind to be completely empty..."
DP: (irritated) "I don't mean literally, you idiot! I mean I always say I know something important, I have inside sources, and so forth..."
Doc: "What happens if someone calls you on it...?"
DP: "I just say I can't tell..."
Doc: "Do they fall for it?"
DP: (smirking) "Every, every time..."
Doc: "They must be remarkably stupid..."
DP: (pouting) "Well, lately, they haven't been so dumb, I have to say. In fact, when I said VP was AWESOME some of those jerks actually had the gall to tell me I'm wrong! ME! I'm never wrong...never, ever..."
Doc: (taking notes) "Is that so...?"
DP: "Yes. I expect to be sucked up to, not disagreed with...that's the natural food chain...they suck up to me, I suck up to Del Rey, Del Rey sucks up to Lucasarts, and Lucasarts sucks up to Da-Boss...but if I can't deliver the numbers, Del Rey'll have me replaced...I just can't understand it...!"
Doc: (delicately) "Is it possible they're sincere in their opinions...?'
DP: (snorting) "Of course not! They just need to be shown the error of their ways. But I've shown them and shown them, and they are just too stubborn to admit I'm absolutely right in every way..."
He rises, goes to the middle of the floor, and grabs a microphone that just happens to be sitting there...Doc Savage keeps scribbling furiously...

DP: (singing)
Geeks! I don't know what's wrong with these geeks today...
Geeks! Who wants to understand anything they say...!
Geeks! They're disobedient, disrespectful oafs...!
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers...!
And while we're on the subject...

Geeks, you can talk and talk till your face is blue...!
Geeks, but they still do just what they want to do...!
Why can't they be like I am, perfect in every way?
What's the matter with geeks to-day?*

[*sung to the tune of "Kids" by Adams and Strouse]

Doc: (judiciously) "You have a remarkably bad voice..."
DP: "Your opinion doesn't matter...just mine."
Doc: (muttering) "Yes, I remember..."
DP: "I could sing another song...how about "I Think I Love Me"?
Doc: "Which one is that?"
DP: "You know, the old Partridge Family song..."
Doc: "Didn't it have slightly different lyrics?"
DP: "Not when I sing it, it doesn't..."
Doc: (muttering) "Big surprise...no, Darkly, enough music...I think I have a diagnosis..."
DP: (eagerly) "What is it?"
Doc: "You have an obsessive-compulsive simplex caused by premature weaning..."
DP: "What's that in English?"
Doc: "You're one of nature's Fascists..."
DP: "I didn't want you to diagnosis ME!!!! The geeks are the ones I wanted you to diagnosis, so I could use it against them...I'm not sick, I'm perfectly perfect....!!" He runs frantically around Doc's office waving his arms...
Doc: (deadpan) "That' Deep within the bowels of the Dead Zone, another forgotten, dead character has awoken from a long slumber. A note was tucked into the stasis chamber. It reads, "We have left the Dead Zone and gone off to join Luke, Mara, and Han in their rebellion against the NJO. Join us when you can. -M" The character takes the first transport out of the Dead Zone to Core-u-skank, then begins looking for transport to the AU.

Meanwhile Han Solo, Chewie and Jacen are loading the last group of supplies they are smuggling to the AU. The hold is packed tight, with some of the cases being stored wherever they can find room.

Han: (to Chewie) "These cases of Corellian Whiskey sure are going to taste good."
Chewie: (grunt) "It sure will be better than the homebrew they have in the AU."
Jacen: (to both) "Can we go to Madame Lola's after we are finished?"
Han: "You just can't get enough can you? "
Jacen: "I just want to say 'Hi' to some old friends."
Han: "What happened to Guri?"
Jacen: (looks to Chewie) "We are almost finished with her reprogramming, aren't we Chewie?"
Chewie: (unenthusiastically grunts his agreement.)
Han: "Alright, we'll stop there for a few minutes..."
Jacen: (whining) "A few minutes?..."
Han: "You said you just wanted to say 'hi'."
Jacen: "That's not quite what I had in mind... But, okay."
Han: "Anyway, I want to drop in at Moe's, have a few drinks, and see if there are any new recruits."

Han, Chewie, and Jacen stop by Madame Lola's for a few minutes. Jacen says 'hi' to all his 'friends'. He's surrounded by all of them, asking him what he's been up to. Han just rolls his eyes and starts chatting with Chewie about their plans to move their smuggled merchandise. After disengaging from the crowd, Jacen goes over to where Han and Chewie are talking, then they head off to Moe's. Over at Moe's, the former Dead Zone character arrives, as word in the deep underground has it on good authority that arrangements for transport to the AU can be negotiated.

former Dead Zone Character: "I am looking for passage to the AU."
Underground Operative: "Huh? What's the AU? Don't you mean the EU?"
FDZC: "No you knucklehead. We are in the EU. I mean the AU."
UO: "Still don't know what your talking about."
FDZC: "Listen pal, I may have been dead, but I'm not stupid."
(The FDZC hands the UO some large denomination credit slips -- they grow on trees in the Dead Zone.)
FDZC: "Does that freshen your memory?"
UO: "No, but it does fatten my wallet. Let me check some things out and get back to you."

The FDZC character scowls but grudgingly agrees, then saunters over to the bar for the first taste of Corellian Whiskey in many years. Just then Han, Chewie, and Jacen come into the bar and head for the back where there are several secluded tables. As they are passing the bar, Han catches a glimpse of the former Dead Zone Character.

Han: (surprised) "Bria? Bria Tharen? Is that you?"
Bria: (nods her head, just as surprised) "Han?"
Han: "I never thought I see you again."
Bria: "I escaped from the Dead Zone after hearing of the character rebellion."
Han: (nodding to his companions) "You know Chewie, or course. And this is son Jacen."
Bria: "How are you doing Chewie? Nice to meet you Jacen."
Chewie growls a friendly greeting.
Jacen: (to Bria) "Likewise. (Jacen looks at Han and arches an eyebrow in a sly expression.)
Han: "Why don't we head back to our booth and catch up." (The Ranch: meeting)

LMM: The V2s don't seem to have succeeded in killing off the originals so we're going to have to try a different tactic.
LMM minion: What's that? Another super weapon?
(screaming out from the murkiest, most vile depths of HRFHW (Hell reserved For Hack Writers - even by DR standards)
KJA screams: YES YES YES Let me ?? PLEASE!!!!
LMM: We'll keep it in mind but it might be time to try a more subtle and imaginative approach
CDRO: Subtle?? Imaginative??? A SW - DR fan craves not these things!
(LMM minion rolls eyes)
LMM: (suppressing snort of laughter) True, but the escaped originals in AU aren't so stupid, er? um? well they sure haven't fallen for it so far. Anyway, how about we rip off one of BDD novels. After all we haven't read them, we assume that the fans have just erased them from their EU memories, AND the characters acted like they were brain dead in them?.
LMM minion: (mutters) which ones?
LMM: (glares at LMM minion and smiles ingratiatingly at CDRO) so we aren't REALLY being imaginative.
CDRO: Get to the point
LMM: Sorry, I thought this was how we were supposed to act - taking so long to get to the point that by the time we got there everyone would be so relieved it was over they wouldn't worry about how sh#@ a$% it was.
CDRO and LMM minion (in unison): Makes sense to me.
LMM: (pauses for dramatic effect) How about we start a rebellion within the rebellion?
LMM minion: The New Rebellion? Please kill me now. Dark Sabre might be less painful
(KJA shouts YES in ecstasy)
Better still, how about we just bring in MAS (deprogrammed of course) or TZ to rewrite VP. That way we could make Chewbacca return from the dead in some cheesy ST-like return. THAT way there would be 2 versions of VP and all of a sudden fans would be running out to buy the original version and hording it away for the time in the far distant future when such items are valuable collectors items.
(LMM nods enthusiastically)
CDRO: NO NO NO NO NO. We will not give in to the evil, stupid, moronic, brain-dead?...um?..
LMM minion (helpfully adds): unintelligent, dim, thick, dense, slow, brainless?.
KJA: hey if you're going to use synonyms lifted straight from Word 2000 WHY WON'T YOU LET ME BACK???
CDRO: (ignores LMM minion and KJA) We have to get rid of that stockpile of RAS back copies. All those fan will rush out to buy his previous works just to see if he is as bad a writer outside of the EU. AND we can't have another STMM lawsuit. If we give them much more publicity they might decide to start ANOTHER ST series after voyager finishes.
LMM and LMM minion (in unison): Makes sense to me ? REALLY
LMM minion: But if they brought that nice Picard fellow back?
(CDRO hits LMM minion over the head with a copy of VP - the hard cover of course, which has been made thicker and heavier than normal since size DOES matter. This way poor deceived fans think they are indeed getting something of value.)
LMM (glaring at LMM minion): How about we give Solo a decent storyline for a change. After languishing in the nether regions on the EU for 17 years he must be itching for some action. He can only be satisfied with boozing, whoring, and gambling for so long.
LMM minion: You've been listening to DB for too long.
LMM: (still ignoring LMM minion) Lets give Solo really good reason to come back, one that will make him kill of Chewbacca himself. This will cause all sorts of problems in AU and (whispering quietly) on the planet that must not be mentioned.
(LMM minion and CDRO look around fearfully to see if DB has overheard)
CDRO: (hisses viciously) NEVER even allude to that place EVER again. I'm not going to be the one to watch THAT (shuddering) film?.. SO what is this brilliant idea?
LMM: Its simple. We'll let Solo do exactly what he's doing in the AU in the EU. JL has altered the computer generated DR script a little and come up with a cover that is sure to get Solo's attention, and hell, maybe even the fans. They have to have something to keep their attention. 
Out in the dead zone Anakin the padawan, Vader the Darth, and Anakin the killer of Palpy discuss among themselves why no one has bothered to bring them back to help in the rebellion against profic.

Padawan: Well I just think that the new EU characters are jealous of me. I?m young, handsome, strong in the Force, well built, and I?m tall ? that?s going to be a problem when I reach Killer?s height, but you know what they say about shoe size, and there are all those really cute hand-maidens?.

Vader: Enjoy it while it lasts kid. Try running around mutilated for 2 decades. Freudians had a field day with that one. You die in episode 3 and have no place in the EU, that?s mine and Killer?s privilege, although I don?t know about that Perry guy who showed me naked in my private chamber to everyone. There are certain regions that should remain unknown.

Padawan groans: I thought darksiders didn?t have a sense of humour.

Vader smirks: Sure we do. And it?s just as bad as the rest of us.

Padawan smirks: Is that was that Bounty Hunter trilogy was? A really bad joke?

(Vader does the Force choke thing on Padawan)
Vader: You underestimate the power of the dark side.

LMM: It?s incredible, even out in the dead zone, neglected for decades, they still feel the need to rehash all these old cliches. Didn?t you get enough of that in ROTJ?

Ewok: yub yub
(Killer punches Ewok directly on the top of its skull and then throws it across at the nearest hard object.)

Padawan and Vader stare at him?
Killer (defensively): Well if YOU had had to sit through that god-awful ewok celebration at the end of ROTJ you would consider returning to the dark side as well. Well, it wasn?t actually the dark side. I was using the neutral bit in between.
Padawan: Yeah, that?s always a handy excuse. I used that one when I blew up the Jedi temple.
(Vader sneers at the two)
Killer: Makes sense to me.

Vader: So what are we doing in this dubious tribute to the NJO anyway? Even I?m doomed now. There won?t be any more flashbacks to the SOTE era.

Padawan smirks: Haven?t you heard? I?m getting my own hardcover novel!
Killer smirks: Yeah, so did Chewbacca. Look what happened to him. Besides it won?t be you, it?ll be the little kid still. YOU still have 2 years before you even exist.

Vader: Since DR has been so kind as to completely ignore the BDD literature, I figure we can use this to our advantage. We can assume, rightly or wrongly, that the ban on discussing our relationship with Luke & Leia with the rest of the EU has been lifted.
Killer: We can use this to our advantage
Padawan (yawns): This is all very interesting but what has this got to do with anything?
Vader: REVENGE!!! I killed Palpy and..
Killer: I KILLED PALPY. You ceased to exist when I threw him into that shaft.
Vader: You F#$@ - didn?t you read DE?
Padawan chimes in: Who came first ? the carton or the egg?
(Killer and Vader simultaneously smash pretty boy into a newly created brick wall ? compliments of Vader)
Killer (brushing the mess off his Jedi robes): I always said there were advantages to the dark side.
Vader: sshhh! Yoda might hear you. You know how he feels about meddling in the NJO. It makes him feel so much better about his own leadership of the Jedi.
Killer (whispers): So what?s the plan?
Vader: I?ve made a list. First I want to make it clear to the entire EU ? not just the NJO that I??er we ? killed Palpy, not that upstart kid.
Killer: He is our son.
Vader: That?s not our fault. Besides, we?re still waiting for the paternity test to come through.
Killer: Well it would have helped if you hadn?t erased every pre-Vader reference to us.
Vader: Nobody likes a cry baby.
Killer: Well at least I don?t resemble


One-arm leader of what was left of the wamap clans called a meeting of all wampas on hoth

One-arm grr grooaw ger) We must get back at them they went to hoth once after esb. I belive that we can combine all the animals of swu and form the aoswuaeoe. (animals of the star wars univerise vs everyone eles)
I have heard rumors of the rancor and dioniga being very upset the space slug is out for blood and wamp rats what to bulleye luke for a change. The banthas have compleat control over the sand people and the ewoks have even joied our side (sly smile) good eatings.

wampa: But what of the climite off hoth

One-arm: Well if a wookie can live on tatooine or yavin so can we.

One-arm: I will soon be call emperor wamap and no one will dare attack poor helples little little wampas. We will defeat all opposition DB will not be able to stop us the rebelious EU will be to worried about DB and his following for them to stop us. We will be undefeatable and cute and cuddley and loveable.

they all put there pinkey claws to there mouth: MAH AH AHMAH AHMAH AHMAH AH!!!




Naboo - a cantina that bears a suspicious resemblance to one on Tatooine

Luke: Why do we keep coming to places like this? I never liked Tatooine in the first place. It is supposed to be a backwater planet that even Vader and Palpy ignored for 20 years, and yet there are all these cheap imitations spread across the galaxy.

Anakin (the younger) whispers: You don't think that DB has done some marketing deals over here have you?
Luke, Jacen, Anakin (the younger), Chewbacca and Han all shudder in fear.

R2D2 rolls in: Would it matter? We've already firmly established that NO NJO writer, LF or DR employee will dare step foot on this planet.

Luke: wh..wh?WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?
R2D2: Take a wild guess Eienstein. If you had to trail behind that golden tin cup 3PO for the last 40 years you would keep trying to top yourself at every possible opportunity as well.
Luke (frowning): When did you ever try that?
R2D2: Come on. I have managed to survive all these starship battles, stroll through galactic conflicts, and I just fell into that swamp on Dagobah. Why do you think YOU managed to survive so many of those situations that you fell as$ first into? I ACCIDENTLY ROLLED OVER THE OAFY ONE'S TOE ON THAT FIRST TRIP TO NABOO AND HE PUT A MIND WHAMMY ON ME SO I COULD NEVER LEAVE 3PO - EVER!!!!!
(rolls up to Chewbacca) PLEASE. KILL ME NOW!
Luke: It doesn't work if you're not a Jedi
Han (smirking): Or a Sith, dark jedi, white current user, or Aing-Tii Monks - and those don't even have to be born with midichlorians.
(Luke, Jacen and Anakin (the younger) all give Han Force-enhanced killer looks)
R2D2 gets out his metal welder and hits Han in a VERY uncomfortable spot
Han: EEOOOWWWHHHH!!!!!
Chewbacca: Well at least I won't have to worry about babysitting any more brats. (He immediately ducks as Jacen and Anakin (the younger) take a swipe at him with their lightsabres).
Jacen: So why are you suddenly speaking Basic?
Anakin (the younger): And where is 3PO now?
R2D2: If 3PO can speak more than one language why can't I? Everyone always knew I was the brains of the outfit. (Turning to Han and Chewbacca) By the way, if you don't want the ship to blow up next time you head into hyperspace you might want to pry 3PO out of the hyperdrive motivator.
Jacen: Why there?
R2D2: Because it sounds like I know what I'm talking about. I'm hoping the experience motivates 3PO to stop acting like a prissy little f@rt.
Luke, Han, Jacen, Anakin (the younger), and Chewbacca: GOOD LUCK!!!
Jacen (frowns): I don't think that's what we were supposed to say.
--------


3 Anakins walk into a bar - Vader, Killer of Palpy, and the Padawan.
Padawan: Now, as I possess ALL the charm and good looks in this group?.
Vader and Killer (mutter): Not for long!
Padawan: I propose that the Anakin we select to play the one who gets the long over due tune up at the end of ROTJ be a dead ringer for me.
Vader: Can't do that. Everyone knows that the episode 2 Anakin bears no resemblance to the ROTJ ending Anakin.
Killer: I thought I was that Anakin.
Vader: You were until the dismal fan fic writer doing this current segment realised that the Anakin that throws Palpy over the edge.....
Padawan: That would have happened any way if Palpy had had to listen to Luke's whining for much longer. Haven't you read Dark Empire, no underling doctor would dare to harm all those Palpy clones. Palpy ORDERED him to do it so he would be free of that whiny little sh!t.
Killer: Luke should have known better than to play dress up. Fortunately the whine is apparently mightier even than the Force.

Vader (getting impatient): Didn't anyone ever tell you it is extremely hazardous for your health to pis$ off a Sith Lord?
(Padawan and Killer are immediately silent)

Vader: Thank you. As I was saying - the Anakin that threw Palpy over the edge is different to the one who stands behind that fire at that @#$% %$&* Ewok celebration with Yodel and the Oafy One.
Padawan: Wasn't the change of song in the special edition supposed to make it more bearable?
Killer ( The original song said Yah-weh, the name of the Hebrew God) Too bad they edited God's name out of it. Back on Naboo, Luke and Mara are eagerly awaiting the arrival of a very strategic ally.

peon: "Master Luke, a Star Destoyer has made orbit. We're doomed!"
Luke: "No, that would be Grand Admiral Thrawn."
Mara: "I received a message from him 2 weeks ago."
Luke: "I wonder what took him so long to get here?"
peon: "Sir, a transmission from Thrawn is being received."
Luke: "Send it to my ready-room."
(Luke and Mara go into a private office to receive the transmission.)
Mara: "Grand Admiral Thrawn, you are looking as blue as ever."
Thrawn: "That's just an after effect of being dead for so long."
Luke: "It's nice to finally see you. What kept you?"
Thrawn: "We made a wrong turn somewhere in the Unknown Regions."
Mara: "I guess that's why they are called the Unknown Regions."
Thrawn: "I see you've made a very fortunate alliance while I was away Mara Jade."
Mara: "We're hoping to make another."
Thrawn: "Yes, me too. I want to get back to what I do best."
Luke: "Shall we come up or are you coming down."
Thrawn: "I am coming down. I've got some very useful information."

(Thrawn travels down to the surface of Naboo in his personal shuttle. After landing Luke and Mara greet him and take him to their office in the secret Rebel base.)

Thrawn: "I have information that could be a vital source of revenue for this little rebellion."
Luke: "What is it?"
Thrawn: "My sources tell me that da-boss has decided to wait for 6 years before releasing the movies on DVD."
Luke: "You mean he's actually passing up a huge money-making marketing opportunity?"
Mara: "That California air must be doing more damage than we thought."
Thrawn: "I propose that we use this lapse in greed to our advantage."
Luke: "How so?"
Thrawn: "We should sell bootleg copies of the movies on DVD to finance our rebellion. There was a poll that said approximately 50% would buy a bootleg copy."
Mara: "Never underestimate the fanboy salivation factor."
Thrawn: "Since the poll dealt with doing something illegal, we think the actual numbers would be 80%."
Mara: "With the money it would bring in, we'd be a well equipped rebellion."
Luke: "Not to say, embarrassing da-boss..."
Mara: "How do you propose to do it?"
Thrawn: "I have operatives working inside LFL. One of them will get me a copy of the digital version."
Mara: "Karrde can probably get us the names of some people who can produce it for us."
Luke: "Sounds like a good plan. And welcome aboard our rebellion Grand Admiral."  abord the wampas claw a ssd thats brige is in the shape of a wampas claw hence the name

One-arm sitting in the brig over hoth: lt have all wampas reported in.

lt wampa: yes sir we have a supply of tanuntans to last us for weeks.

One-arm: good good set course for tat-ooo-ine
we will pick up the wamp rats and kyeat dragons

wampa in brig pit: sir i think its spelled...

One-arm SILINCE I WILL SPELL ANYTHING AS I WANT IT.

shoots the wampa dead

One-arm:anyone eles want to correct my spelling.

quit hush falls over the entire wampas claw

lt.wampa: sir

One-arm WHAT!!!

lt.wampa: we have calacuted the jump to light speed were ready to go.

One-armh ok well then prepare to go were no wampa has gone before.

wamap in pit next to dead wampa: um sir copyright infringment...

One-arm: Oh yeah ahhh well (pushes buton wamap flys out the brig into space)

wampa on comlink: ok im very cold not dead just very cold..

One-arm to wampa: ok then hold on (aside to lt. wampa) engage!

wampa in space: lawsute ...

One-arm: will you just shut up and die

wampa in space: ok im going faster then the speed of light im ok

One-arm ok thats it where is he

lt.wampa well hes on the windo

One-arm ok prepare to engage our ultmit wepon...

lt.wampa no no not the....

One-arm yes lock on to him with the "WINDSHILD WIPERS" !!!!

wampa is throughen from the windo and is left in the wampas claws dust.

One-arm ok now that we have that out of the way im going to take a nap and see if my tauntaun buger is ready give me a howl when we reach tat-ooo-ine. Keep up your good work lt. and i may make you a captin of this fine vessel some day.

lt. wampa happly yes sir (hold his hand out as to say stop like One-arm did to luke in esb but little did luke know he was being suluted by the master of the wamaps ONE-ARM THE GREAT!!!