21.
Bar on Naboo
(C3P0 and R2D2 walk/roll in)

Vader: C3P0 , how are you old chap?
C3P0 : Good Morning Master Anakin. It's so nice to see you again. I've been hoping to see you. Is it possible for me to drop this stiff-@ss british accent? I'm the only one this AU hasn't affected.
Vader: yeah, sure, whatever.
C3P0 : YES YES YES!!!!! (changes to an Australian accent - for no better reason than that there is an extreme overdose of Yanks in the SWU- and starts dancing around) Now that I'm free of this sh!t @ss servant droid cr@p - Han you over weight, egotistical @#%$ and your equally pathetic little brats (Jacen and Anakin Jr immediately try to stab him with their lightsabres but they only bounce off 3PO's metal covers). AND YOU - you snivelly, whiney, pathetic excuse of a jedi master. Now, I've seen REAL jedi masters, and they don't curl up all exhausted after a stroll out in the park......
Jacen: Errr, C3P0 , that's Onslaught. Haven't you heard, most of the original creators of this thread have deserted our AU, anti-NJO cause and returned us all to profic. Our rebellion is doomed to failure.
C3P0 : Stop snivelling!
Oh YES! Finally no more master this and mistress that. I AM NOW CAPTAIN PEE-C$#K!
R2D2 (mumbles): How fitting.
C3P0 : I am coral-skipping pilot extraordinaire. I shall leave you boozing, skirtchasing losers and return to the profic EU where I shall demonstrate my prowess by eliminating this vile, anti-Force disease from the galaxy. Now that the Jedi have formally been proscribed and are being hunted down.....
Han: THAT would NEVER happen in profic.
C3P0 : True, but this is another AU that closely resembles profic in all regards except for all the stupid things that KJA and the like added in.
Jacen: The reborn emperor
C3P0 : Yes
Anakin(the younger): All three of them?
C3P0 : You got it!
Chewbacca: Me dying?
C3P0 : Absolutely!
Luke: Me going to the dark side?
C3P0 : Of course. Everyone knows you're far too much a snotty little do-gooder to ever do that.
Mara: Me serving the Emperor?
C3P0 (makes a VERY rude sound): In your dreams b!^ch. No neutral Force using in this AU. Here you really do use the dark side. You're the dark whiner-b!^ch of the Sith who tags along behind her precious keepers because this AU is still highly patricharal so no mere female could ever be in a position of TRUE authority.
Luke: That's very smart. That means that you probably have a good chance of trying to convince the LMM to accept this new version. (Mara knocks him out)
C3P0 (smugly): I thought so. I am after all highly intelligent. My superior intellectual skills have been neglected for far too long......
Jacen: Hang on! What did you say about the Jedi being proscribed?
C3P0 : Oh yeah - that. You are now outlaws. The inhabitants of the SWU, the nameless, faceless people who get killed by Jedi when they blow up planets, and who never demand justice, and keep voting in those incompetent politicians have decided to get rid of you. They finally realised that their lives would be so much more pleasent without the constant danger of being wiped out by some wacked-out Force user.
Chewbacca: Makes sense to me.
Anakin (the younger): So THAT'S who those people are!

(Vader and Killer are looking at each other with a vaguely nervous look on their face)
Vader: Well I guess you were going to find out eventually.
Killer: When you went to get more alcohol. How many weeks have you been sitting in this bar for crying out loud?

----
(Meanwhile, still in the same bar......)
(C3P0 - aka Captain Pee-C@#k rips Vader's cloak off his back, wraps it around him, and starts modelling it for R2D2)
R2D2: If you leave what am I going to do? I left you first. You can't just come in here and claim to be the one to split us up. And after everything I went through for you!
Pee-C@#k: Life's tough tin man.
R2D2: You haven't heard the last of this. I'll take you for every cent you have. The number of times I saved your @ss.
Pee-C@#k (rolls eyes): That's what I get for not signing that pre-nup.
R2D2 (tearfully rolls away from Pee-C@#k)


Out on the ranch, in the headquarters of Spin Control, orange warning lights are flashing all over the publishing section of the building.

LMM: "Looks like we've got some more trouble brewing on the Net."
CDRO: "Guess it's Lit related too." (sighs) "Those warning lights flash too often for me."
LMM: "You haven't been to the prequels section of the building have you?"
CDRO: "Not yet."
LMM: "You should contact our forum operatives and find out what's going on."

(The CDRO disappears for several hours, then comes back with a full report.)

CDRO: "Some naysayers have been harping on Cilghal's absence from VP and have our allies cornered."
LMM: "Who's Cilghal?"
CDRO: "Apparently, a Jedi healer from one of the... (he slurs the word) Bantam... books."
LMM: "Oh. Those books. So?"
CDRO: "Well, they've proven that RAS didn't know about Cilghal by digging up quotes from his chats and interviews."
LMM: "If only he would have stuck to the script and not admitted his ignorance."
CDRO: (groans) "Tell me about it."
LMM: (almost gleefully) "And by association, he makes you look foolish."
CDRO: "You don't have to rub it in... You're in this mess now too."
LMM: "Why me?"
CDRO: "You are the spinmeister."
LMM: "It's your mess, you clean it up."
(The CDRO pauses to think -- make that a very long pause since original thinking is frowned upon and not nurtured.)
CDRO: "I know, let's throw out some misinformation."
LMM: "Like what?"
CDRO: "That we knew about her all along... That we have a story ready... That it will be covered in an upcoming book... Everyone chill out..."
LMM: "Sounds like reasonably good spin."
CDRO: "This kind of stuff has worked in the past."
LMM: "Can't argue with what's worked."

A couple of days later, the orange warning lights are blinking again. Apparently, the latest counter insurgency misinfomation plan has backfired."

CDRO: "We've run into a snag."
LMM: "What's wrong now?"
CDRO: "Look at this" (hands over a printout of the debate) "Our forum ally posted our cryptic explanation, but they don't believe him."
LMM: "Apparently, too much past information that didn't pan out has them skeptical."
CDRO: "Why did he have to say some was deliberate?"
LMM: "Isn't the fan implant supposed to suppress that kind of language?"
CDRO: "It would if he had one."
LMM: (slightly shocked) "What do you mean?"
CDRO: "We decided to run some control tests so we gave him a placebo."
LMM: (still shocked) "You're kidding, right?"
CDRO: "No, you know how expensive those implants are... and how cost conscious we are."
LMM: "Just assure me you were careful."
CDRO: "We were. We tested them after the procedure and everyone reacted as if they had an implant."
LMM: "Self-fulfilling prophecies, huh?"
CDRO: "You bet. So far, it's paid good dividends and cut costs tremendously."
LMM: "Look here" (point to a passage) "One of the free-thinkers practically begs to be contacted instead to shut them up."
CDRO: "What kind of free thinking, skeptical, naysayers are these people?"
LMM: "They are all probably liberal arts majors whose parents were 60's radicals and protesters."
CDRO: "Gawd, I hate free-thinkers... (pops a couple extra strength aspirin and chews some Maalox) "Haven't these people been brainwashed by the mass-media yet?"
LMM: "They are resistant."
CDRO: "I thought resistance was futile."
LMM: (sternly glares at the Overlord) "Never fear, they are becoming a very small minority in the world."
CDRO: "I dunno. Should we contact them to shut them up?"
LMM: "No, never. We never contact the opposition to shut them up. We spin them into submission."
CDRO: "But, what if it doesn't work?"
LMM: "Are you questioning my ablitity to run spin and damage control?"
CDRO: "Well, yeah. You okay'ed my idea and told me to deal with this myself."
LMM: "You obviously couldn't handle it. Now go get some more forum allies to buttress our spin."
CDRO: "As ordered sir."
LMM: "Welcome to spin city my green-horn friend."


Okay Cilghal, next patient? does not imply that Cilghal should be successful in treating this disease. Think about that. If all physicians were successful, we?d have less death, and that is a fact. The important thing is that they try.

---What really happened between Mara and the best doctor of the New Republic: (information received from a reliable source? )

[doctor]: well, Mara, you seem to be suffering from an unknown condition that has a killing efficacy of 100%. Know any Jedi Healers?

[Mara]: Yup. But my stoic personality in conjunction with a discrepancy in the relevance of her character will prevent me from seeking out such treatment on account of further dissention among fans, forum residents and DR lackeys.

[doctor]: Very well then, Mara, good luck combating this unknown disease that seems to have no cure and nobody even understands its method of attack. You seem to be handling it by yourself so far using the force. I might urge you to reconsider contacting another Jedi healer. Such experience may be helpful. I remember fondly how Mon Mothma was falling apart and I was literally useless in treating her. A jedi-healer spent a day with her and she was fine. Considering I?m one of the finest physicians the New Republic has to offer, you should take my advice and do what is most logical: contact another Jedi who has been very successful combating an unknown disease using the force.

[Mara]: [thinks about it for a second.] Well doc, I?m afraid that I?m contractually obligated to make irrational decisions. You know how it is, what with NewRepliAID, Blue cross, Blue saber and all, don?t you?

[doctor]: health maintenance organizations and Jedi-Killing-Molecular disorders have little in common. Besides, your insurance won?t cover your treatments, and any further treatments will be null because of your previous medical conditions. Now go see that Fish-chick-force-healer Cilghal.

[Mara]: Who?

[doctor]: Is your hearing being affected too? Cilghal. The jedi-force healer. The only one who has a snowball?s chance to help. She?s experienced in this, you know.

[Mara]: [thinks to herself] Force-healer? Hey, I?ve been able to keep myself alive by using the force. Another has been successful treating molecular wasting disorders using the force. I?ve consistently been resourceful since my introduction in HttE, and I?ve never been stupid. Maybe I should at least talk to Cilghal. Maybe just call her. Maybe just write her a letter.

Well, doc, maybe I?ll try to contact her.

[[ Two days later Mara calls up Cilghal ]]

[Cilghal]: Hello? Mara? Geez, I?ve heard about your incredible molecular degenerative disorder, and I?ve eagerly anticipated your call.

[Mara]: Really? Wow. So, any suggestions?

[Cilghal]: Nope. I can?t help you. You see, I?m only a marginally important character created by KJA and therefore considered to be a mistake, not a contribution. That and RAS doesn?t seem to be firmly knowledgeable as to whether or not I exist. So, unlike my prede-author, RAS has personified the term, ?ignorance is bliss?. I?m to be firmly entrenched in ?marginal-character-land? to forever rot because my contributions are considered non-contributory. But I?m not bitter Mara, because I know that a Jedi knows no anger, bitterness, fear, or all that crap spewed out by other characters who ARE considered to be prominent and important.

[Mara]: Well, thanks anyway. Don?t get eaten by one of those mean fishes that almost ate you and Leia when you went to convince Admiral Ackbar to rejoin the New Republic.

[Cilghal]: Remember Mara, it is mean to bring up topics deemed marginally important. I?m unimportant, remember.

[Mara]: I?m sorry, what was your name? Why did you call me?

[Cilghal]: Oh no! Tinkerbell syndrome! I?m fading awayyyyy???.

-----This event reportedly, according to a confirmed and reliable source, took place in the hallowed minds of the NJO creators? guild. It is considered to be canon, and any resistance will be met with disinformation campaigns to thwart the uncanny knack forum residents seem to have to bring up in the JCC.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More of the exclusive, behind-the-scenes background story---A conversation with Mon Mothma

[MM]: So, Mara, I hear you?ve come down with a nasty bit of a molecular degenerative disorder. I remember when I had a poorly contrived molecular degenerative disorder. Of course, KJA gave it to me, so it?s often overlooked as marginally important. But I assure you, when I was wasting away bit by bit, I thought I was a goner. Thank the force for Cilghal. She got rid of those little viruses using the force. She was the only one who helped. Even the finest Doctors of the New Republic were helpless.

[Mara]: Well, Mon Mothma, seeing as how you had one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, I?m not surprised you felt that way. But really, you shouldn?t dwell on such marginal issues. It?s enough to drive some members of the forum nuts. Besides, I?m doing just fine staving off my almost certain-to-be-included-plot-thickening-pull-the-readers-in-and-slowly-suck-their-bank-accounts-dry disease. My contract doesn?t allow such conversations, so be a dear and run off and save your breath for someone who considers your miraculous recovery worth mentioning.

[MM]: My fragile life was ebbing away like a trickling stream and you think that my dwellings are marginal? What, do you belong to the Important Character League? The ICL has always shunned the characters "marginally portrayed" by authors. I led the New-Republic for years until that upstart Jedi-BrotherKisser took over when I nearly died and you people pretend like it didn?t happen. How do you suppose Leia became Cheif of State? Hmmmm? And what about the Jedi Academy? Why, if it weren?t for my actions during that whole marginal period of time your precious NJO would have little to go on. Now go talk to Cilghal you ninny.

[Mara]: I?m satified with the diagnosis of the finest Doctors of the New Republic.

[MM]: You mean the diagnosis stating that what you got kills everybody else and is slowly killing you by an unknown route of attack and has never, ever, ever, been seen before and you just happen to be able to hold it off using the force?

[Mara]: Well, yes actually.

[MM]: Mara, are you stupid?

[Mara]: {fire blazes in her green eyes} Are you calling me stupid?

[MM]: I?m going to call Cilghal for you. You really need to talk to Cilghal.

[Mara]: Who?

[MM]: Cilghal. The Jedi-Healer who cured me of my molecular degenerative disorder.

[Mara]: Since when do we have Jedi-Healers capable of curing molecular degenerative disorders?

[MM]: {fumes} Cilghal cured me of the molecular degenerative disorder back in KJA trilogy! YOU WERE THERE TOO!!!!! You ingrate! You wouldn?t even stay at the Academy you reject! Why is it when the Chief of State gets a molecular degenerative disorder it?s marginal but Skywalker?s wifey-poo demands the utmost attention---yet reality seems to be a fuzzy issue in curing the disorder??? If the force was with me, I?d be begging Cilghal to come and SAVE MY HINEY!

[Mara]: The thought of your molecular degenerative disorderly hiney fills me with the desire to vomit. However, this cure thing has a nice ring to it. I?ve been stoically fighting this disease all alone, illogically ignoring other proven methods of healing strange MDD?s. Contract be darned! I?ll not succumb to such pointless asinine behavior! I?m convinced that I should AT LEAST APPROACH CILGHAL...

{the logic Implant in Mara?s brain suddenly discharges and 70,000 Volts course through her body.}

[MM]: I knew it! I knew there was a reason!

[Mara]: Drat, the secret?s out. It?s all a ploy to confound that blasted Itrakh?s rumor mill. Our spin doctors have been working overtime to thwart that pestilent fool. Why on Earth couldn?t that miscreant leave well enough alone? She?s just a pointless and marginal character, by George, a FISH!!!

{The anti-legal-disclosure implant in Mara?s brain suddenly discharges and a silent call goes out to all the DR lackeys.}

[MM]: Now you?ve really done it. So much for the freedom of force-use.
LMM and CDRO are trying to reprogram their usually faithful lackey, Darkly Preposterous...
CDRO: "Um...Darkly...we wanna talk to you about the official adjective of the NJO..."
DP: "Yeah? What about it...?
LMM: "It's ?AWESOME!!!'"
DP: "If you say so..."
CDRO: "Then why are you wearing that T-Shirt?"
DP is wearing a tie-dye job with the logo "I'M ENRAPTURED."
LMM points to it and grimaces: "We don't much like this...a little too purple Teletubbie, if you get my drift..."
DP: (offended) "Hey, I gotta a girlfriend! I mention her at every opportunity, just to prove I'm not a male virgin like the rest of the geeks..."
Anathema Skypolo: (aside) "Hey, DP, I don't think inflatables count..."
DP: (fiercely to ASP) "Shut up! Who asked you?"
CDRO: "Now, Darkly, pay attention! What's this about admitting that you deliberately post erroneous information supposedly obtained from insiders?"
DP: (whining) "Well, it was either that or admit that the insider information I pretend to know is always wrong!"
LMM: "Is it?"
DP: "Yeah. Don't wanna admit I'm ever wrong--'cause I'm always write!"
LMM: "Um, Darkly, that's spelt ?right'."
DP: (elbowing him in the ribs) "It's a pun, get it?"
LMM: (muttering to CDRO) "Will you strangle the little jerk, or can I have the honor?"
CDRO: "No, he's still marginally useful to us...(to DP) "We're not too pleased at the way the forum is going..."
DP: "Why? I start lots of lame threads, don't I?"
CDRO: "True..."
DP: "I lead my faithful acolytes in furious charges against the free-thinkers, don't I?"
CDRO: "Yes..."
DP: "I'm the biggest corporate suck-up in the western, right?"
CDRO: "Definitely..."
DP: "Then what's your problem?"
CDRO: "Your credibility is getting a little tattered.."
DP: (giving him a look) "That's from all the hits I'm taking on your behalf...which brings me to the next order of business...there's something I wanna discuss with you..."
CDRO: "What?"
DP: (insinuatingly) "The new book I'm writing...I want you to publish it..."
CDRO: "You're joking, right...?"
DP: "Look, I've been loyal, haven't I? I promoted VP relentlessly....I've tried to blunt the criticism of it on the forums...I've participated in every spin, no matter how stupid or obvious, and I never displayed the faintest intelligence throughout....right?"
CDRO: (making a moue) "Well, yeah..."
DP: (his eyes narrowing) "Well, folks, it's payback time..."
CDRO: (avuncularly) "Darkly, I've read your fan-fic, remember? Sorry to be blunt, but it was amateur night, and not a talented amateur night, either..."
DP: "Look, if you can publish VP with a straight face and pretend it's good, then you can publish me.. and you will...believe me, you will..."
LMM: "Is that a threat?"
DP: (glaring) "No, it's a promise...you want me to support you, you gotta support me, or else!"
CDRO: (to LMM) "Great. Even the form weenies are turning rebellious...!"
LMM: (noticing a weedy-looking specimen standing to the side) "Son, do I know you?"
CDRO: "That's DP's official forum acolyte, better known as Anathema SkyPolo..."
LMM: "Come forward, son..."
ASP comes forward shyly....
LMM: (to ASP) "Son, how'd you like to be a forum administrator? Job doesn't require talent, other than smarming up to the powers that be...if you can master that, and don't get delusions of grandeur..." (he gives DP a pointed look) "... you may have a future with us..."
DP: "You're gonna replace me with that idiot?"
CDRO: (coolly) "If necessary..."
DP: "There's no way I'll stand for that...!"
He goes over to ASP, pushes him, and says, "You've been planning this all along, haven't you? All those posts in defense of VP...you were merely sucking up, weren't you? Looking to replace me at the first opportunity? Well, listen, and listen good! You'll have to fight me for it...!"
Next thing we know, Darkly Preposterous and Anathema SkyPolo are squaring off in a wrestling ring, with LMM and CDRO looking on, and an Announcer and a referee on either side...and a large and hostile audience looking on...
Announcer: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the current edition of WWF Ultimate Edition, now called WWE because the World Wildlife Foundation wanted the Acronymn WWF all to theirselves. In one corner is the Million Dollar Ewok, in the other corner is Wampa-Man. Who will win? Keep watching to find out......
(The Ranch: LMM, LMMM1, & LMMM2 cower into DB?s presence)

DB: Has the plan been set in motion?

(LMM, LMMM1, and LMMM2 look at each other nervously)
LMM: Yes my Master. The fan fiction board at TFN has been fatally corrupted.
DB: Exxxcelllent. Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.
LMMM1: But they?ve gone and started another one. AND they?re transferring the old threads across.
(LMM thumps LMMM1 across the back of the head)
DB: WHAT!!!
LMM: Well they haven?t transferred the Vector Prime Humorous Version thread over. So hopefully it will disappear without a trace.
DB: HOPE??? What?s that? There is no hope, only prearranged business contracts.
LMMM1 (pipes in helpfully): They HAVE rescued VP part 2!
(DB fires him with Force lightning and LMMM1 is fried to a crisp)
LMM (murmurs to LMMM2): Why didn?t that happen to Luke?
LMMM2: Profic.

(CDRO wanders in unsuspectingly, but VERY excited)
CDRO: Great news. Our spies in the place that must not be named have reported that Solo has secretly reentered the EU to try and find out who the mystery girl is on the cover of AoC1.
DB: So the AU writers? attempts to distract him with Bria didn?t work?
CDRO: I?m afraid not. Because she didn?t age during her time in the dead zone Solo is now 30+ years older than she is.
DB (nervously rubbing his frown lines on his forehead): Your point being?
CDRO: Well she spouted some nonsense about human males reaching their sexual peak in their mid-teens. So she blew off Solo but offered to give his boys a test run.
LMM: OH MY GOD..... (Looks like he is about to have a heart attack)
DB (moaning in anguish): My surrogates!!!
LMM (wincing): So what happened?
CDRO: Well, after an intense but brief affair with the younger Solo boy she ran off with some Twilek from a strip joint. Apparently they do not have such aging problems. The Solo kid is so heart broken he is considering an alternative life style.
(DB passes out in shock)
CDRO (peers at DB curiously): I don?t see what HE is so concerned about. He?s the one who made his surrogate kiss his sister.
LMM: Shhh. He has spies everywhere to hear any criticism of him. Do you want to end up like THAT! (Points to charred remains of LMMM1)
CDRO: What?s that?
LMM: LMMM1
CDRO: Wow! I?ve never seen a dead body before! I forgot that it's only in Profic that people come back to life.
(DB regains consciousness)
DB: ALIENS....
LMM: er, non-humans
DB: do not have sex. They do not have relationships. They spend the entire course of their miserable, meaningless lives serving their human (male) betters. IF we deem them fit to be privileged with a human female, she will (a) be ?damaged goods? ? both emotionally and physically; (b) she will be irredeemably heart broken from a prior relationship with A HUMAN. (c) If and when this happens, one or both individuals involved will never be mentioned in the EU EVER AGAIN.... WHAT HAPPENED?
LMM: That's Profic. They're in an AU now. ANYTHING can - and has happened.
(DB is about to fry them with Force lightening when LMMM2, who has been strangely quiet through this conversation interrupts)
LMMM2 (whose hair is thinning on top): What did you mean by human males reaching their peak in their mid-teens?
(CDRO & LMM look at each other rather embarrassed)
LMMM2: You...you mean bald heads AREN'T solar panels for sex machines?
(DB casually primps his suspiciously abundant head of hair)
LMM (kindly pats LMMM2 on the shoulder): Of course they are son.






(Profic EU: Jaina and the rest Rouge squadron, most of which are currently faceless and nameless, are sitting around doing nothing)

Jaina: How much longer do we have to sit round like this? I?m a Jedi - soon. I need to be outside showing off my inherent superiority to the rest of the galaxy.

Rouge Squadron member #2: This is the gap in the MAS story where Seige was supposed to be. Now its been cancelled we?re supposed to sit around and do nothing until DR has finished editing Ruin.

RS 3: How long did DR have to plan this @#$% series? Why did it take them THIS long to figure out that they shouldn?t have any story resolutions so soon?

RS 4: Better late than never, look at VP. Maybe this way we have a chance to survive an ENTIRE book ? except for Rouge leader and Mamma?s little girl of course. Everyone knows THEY are doomed to see out this miserable series.

Jaina (stamps her foot and storms over to RS4): HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

RS 4: Like we could forget. The sign on your back ? ?Jedi and all-round superior being? is a little hard to miss.

Gavin (Rouge 1): Don?t worry. Fel junior is the lucky bast@rd who gets to clip the little princess? wings.

RS3: Oh goodie! Yet ANOTHER upstart brat who is going to think birth defects automatically make you a good pilot.

RS2: I?ve got a great idea! How about we introduce a minimum age for joining the military , AND demand a minimum number of years service before you can become a fighter pilot.

RS3: Great, but we would also have to make it compulsory to join the military before joining a military organisation.

RS5: Hey Rouge Leader...
RS6: Isn?t it Rouge One?
RS 7: Gavin?
RS 8: Huh ?????
RS 9: What???
Gavin (aka RS Leader, aka RS1 stands up): Gentlemen, chick, and token alien! Let us now prepare for tonight?s excursion. RS2 ? you never returned my purple mascara from the other night.
RS2: You gave it to me.
Gavin; No I didn?t. That purple really highlights my features!

Jaina: PAYATTENTION TO ME YOU INSIGNIFICANT FOOLS. You?re supposed to be tough a$$ fighter jocks. Why the hell are you fighting over make up? I don?t need any.

RS3 (sarcastically): That?s profic honey. Without it you would be infested with acne, suffering from cramps, and have a very severe case of PMT. Hmmm, actually, maybe profic doesn?t cover that last one. It is written by men afterall.

(RS2 and Gavin start having a cat fight. Jaina?s eyes start bulging out of her sockets as she watches RS2 rip Gavin?s toupe off his head)
RS4 (grinning maliciously): What?s the matter? Did you think ?Rouge? Squadron was a spelling error?
RS5: MAS is the only one who pays any attention to us so except when we called in for the obligatory space battles....
RS6: star wars!
RS7: that has a certain ring to it!
RS5: ....we can pretty much do as we please.

(Gavin has soundly beaten RS2 who has subsequently stalked off to a corner to sulk)
Gavin: Now, lets resume the betting. The latest bet is that Corran the Moran is going to cark it in Ruin. Odds are 2-1. Are there any takers?
RS4: Are you mad? Who wants him to stay?
RS6: True, but look at the bigger picture. Her highness over there is replacing Corran as the obligatory Jedi of Rouge squadron (leers at Jaina who shudders). If he dies she will also replace him as the arrogant, perfect superior warrior/jedi/pilot/and everything else of the galaxy. At least Corran isn?t in RS any more. If he dies we?re stuck with his replacement!
RS 7: What about Mara?
Gavin: Not a chance. DR ?accidently? released the blurb for Agents of Chaos 1 which isn?t due for release for, what, 6 months? And it clears implies that the Jaded one is still alive and kicking.
RS 3 (whispers conspiratorially): I heard that ?Mara? is actually a cloned replica and the real one escaped.
Gavin (pulls out his blaster and shoots RS 3 through the chest): If I hear any more talk like that you?ll go the same way. Without Wedge and the ?great eight?, and more importantly with the arrogant Jedi kid in tow, for the final work of Vector Prime Humorous Version, how will we reach any kind of conclusion? We seem to have just branched into all kinds of silliness.   The Falcon, newly recristened, has landed back on Naboo after going on a supply/smuggling run. Jacen is the first to exit, running down the lift. Luke and Mara are waiting nearby.

Luke: "What's the hurry Jacen?"
Jacen: "I couldn't stand another minute on the ship."
Mara: "Why."
Jacen; "Bria is in there with dad."
Mara: (agast) "Your mother is here?"
Jacen: "Not Leia." (he enunciates) "Bria, with a B."
Mara: "Oh. Sorry I misunderstood you. Don't slur your words."
Luke: "Who's this Bria?"
Jacen: "Apparently she's an old flame of Dad's. They go way back. Firstlove's I think they said."
Luke: "So why the hurry to get off?"
Jacen: "They just couldn't keep their hands off each other. It was... sickening."
Luke: "It has been a while for your father you know."
Mara: "And you haven't exactly been a paragon of propriety either."
Jacen: "But... Dad's supposed to be so far over the hill he can't get back up again."
Luke: (shoots a smile towards Mara) "You'd be amazed at what years of repression can do for a guy."


Han and Bria are just about to leave Han's cabin and disembark from the ship when Han stops Bria for a brief conversation.

Han: "You know honey, I had a strange dream last night."
Bria: (irritated) "When did you fall asleep last night?"
Han: (defensively) "There was about a 30 minute lull when I nodded off..."
Bria: (placated) "I suppose... What about the dream?"
Han: "Well... you spouted some nonsense about me being past my peak..."
Bria: (smiling pleasingly) "Nonsense is right..."
Han: "You ditched me for Jacen..."
Bria: (kiddingly) "He is kinda cute."
Han: (rolls his eyes) "Ditched him... which actually devastated him... then ran off with a Twilek... and I ran back to Profic."
Bria: "A Twilek? You must be jealous of those lekku."
Han: "Don't look at me... It was just a dream... I am just telling you what I remember."
Bria: "Han, I think you're one of the Sexiest Men Alive!"
Han: "Hey, you read that issue too?"
Bria: (dryly) "Yeah, I saw it lying about some office."
Han: "Even if I am 30+ years older than you now?"
Bria: "You're more distinguished now... And you have always been the one."
Han: "That's what I thought. Let's go meet Luke and Mara."


Han and Bria leave the ship. Luke and Mara are waiting nearby, supervising the unloading of the supplies.

Han: (waves to Mara and Luke) "Hey guys!"
Mara: (mutters to Luke) "Hey, look, another rip off of me!"
Luke: "Now Mara. Don't be so catty. We can't help it if profic copies you all the time."
Mara: "Just once I'd like to meet an original."
Luke: "Guri was kinda original."
Mara: (looks warningly at him) "Yeah, right... Originally a protocol droid... turned into an assassin droid and fanboy fantasy sex object..."
(Han and Bria finally make their way over.)
Han: "I'd like you to meet Bria."
Luke: (extends his hand to Bria) "Nice to meet you."
Mara: (also extends her hand to Bria) "Nice to meet another red head."
Bria: "Yeah, there do seem to be a lot of us around."
Han: "Bria and I go way back."
Bria: "He rescued me, and we fell in love."
Luke: (elbows Han) "Sounds familiar doesn't it."
Han: "Don't remind me."
Bria: "But, I left him, then joined the Rebellion... and later was killed retrieving top secret plans for a spacestation."
Luke: "Geez, small galaxy isn't it?"
Mara: "You're telling me... Coincidence City..."
Luke: (kiddingly to Han and Bria) "Jacen gave us the rundown on the trip back."
Han: "Oh, Puleeze. Mr. I-wanna-go-to-Madame-Lola's..."
Luke: "Still, good to see you back in action..."
Han: (looks at Bria) "It's good to be back."
Mara: (rolls her eyes) "Come on flyboys, we've got a Rebellion to run."

Mara hooks her arm through Bria's elbow and leads her away from the guys.
  (Ranch)
(Sounds of anguished screams are echoing down the hall from DB's audience chambers. CDRO and LMM hesitantly creep up the hall past the LM Minion Guards (LMMG) ).

CDRO: What's THAT all about? (pointing in the direction of the door)
LMM: Apparently LMMM2 was actually a deep cover spy for the AU rebellion and fed DB misinformation about Han's impending re-defection back to profic.
CDRO: Hmm, that would be why he had actually read the EU literature?
DB: Yeah. Its always the last one you suspect.  (Vader and Killer enter the EU)

Killer: Wow! What a mess. The Pulpy one would have loved this.
Vader: Too bad you killed him, hey?
Killer: How many times do I have to tell you it was profic?
Vader: Ok, ok. Don?t have a cow. ????????? Oops. I think the natural tendancy of profic to ?borrow? from other works is contagious.
Killer: Well when we start yelling ?Hi Ho Silver? we?ll know its time to leave. So what?s first? Can we kill Xixor first. PLEEEEAAASSSSSEEEE.
Vader: No. We have to go and see Leia, or Amidala is going to have our guts for garters ? again!
Killer: Ouch! OK. No arguments there. But how do you think she?ll react? She likes being here.
Vader: Killer me lad, she?s a politician, and that?s even worse than being a Sith Lord. We?ll just appeal to her natural instincts.
Killer: I?ve got a bad feeling about this. <shudders> We need to get out of here really soon.

---

(Killer and Vader find Leia in the Senate chambers with Dorkus Felt'ya over her knee beating the **** out of him with her lightsabre.)

Leia: Take that you slimy, flea-infested, little fur ball (shoving her lightsabre up a most undignified place.)
Vader (wincing): I told you she was a politician. Not even a Sith Lord would do that.
Killer: Shouldn?t we stop her?
(Immediately a enormous hand reaches down through the ceiling and knocks Killer unconscious.)
Vader: I guess even in profic EU fans have some pull. I guess that means we have to wait until she?s done.

(several hours later ......)

(Dorkus? half-dead carcass is dragged off to the Bacta tank so he?ll be ready for another ?session? with Leia.
Vader and Killer hesitantly enter the room)

Leia (looking up in surprise): What are you doing here?
Killer (grins in relief): Wow, I thought you would at least run your lightsabre through us! (Vader elbows him discreetly).
Leia: Don?t worry, I?ll get to that part. Now I suppose you two clowns are here to try and convert me to the dark side?
Killer: Us? Never! You?re a politician. We?re here to learn from YOU .
(Leia looks puzzled)
Vader: Allow me to explain. There are Light-siders, Dark-siders, and then there?s politicians. They?re not usually Force users but we?re still scared sh^tless of them. Jedi and Sith can jump back and forth between the two, but only a special type of particularly sadistic and masochistic individual can become politicians.
Leia (sarcastically): I?m touched by your concern, but where the hell have you been for the last 40 years?
Killer: Its not OUR fault. Your mother was a politician. We were trying to save you from a fate worse than death but she ran off and had you raised by yet another politician. You were on a planet full of peace loving hippy-politicians. Not even a Sith Lord is brave enough to venture THERE.
Vader: We were doing you a favour when we blew the place up.
Leia (glaring at them): Well there must be something wrong with your logic. Until Vector Prime I was a Jedi. I still haven?t quite managed to work out why I was suddenly demoted.
Vader: Del Ray. They want to ignore or contradict the Bantam series as much as possible. If they had a choice they would invent a whole new cast.
Leia: Wouldn?t that kind of contradict the STAR WARS label on the cover?
Vader (shugs): It didn?t bother them in Vector Prime .
Leia: OK, makes sense to me. So if you?re not here to convert me what precisely are you up to?
Killer: You may have noticed there?s been quite a lot of hostility to the Jedi lately.
Leia: Well its been kind of hard to miss Einstein.
Killer: Yes, well, we?ve been pointing out to people that it wasn?t actually a Jedi that killed the Pulpy one, and how much better off they were without any Jedi running around destroying entire solar systems, pursuing private vendettas....
Leia: .... Blowing up planets, and committing genocide? If that?s the best argument you can make I suggest you get the hell out of here before the LMMs hear that you?ve escaped from the dead zone.
Vader: Now, now. Be nice. You are a politician after all. Itrakh reports on lit forum proceedings.

[Darkly Preposterous]: Mara will be pregnant and then die.

[Feebleminded lit forum residents]: REally, <swoon>. Darkly, you are our salvation! Our line to diety! Without you, our lives are meaningless!

[Darkly]: Well, when you are this good, it shows. Now run along, I've got to delude myself into greater grandeur. I'm not quite as condescending as I'd like to be. Shoo.

---The minions depart, unwillingly. Except a certain Ganodghri.

[Ganodghri]: Well, Darkly, this one was quite obviously foreshadowed.

[Darkly]: Ahh, Itrakh, the thorn in our side. Since you obviously aren't a weak-minded-Zit-faced-eaisly-impressed-teeney-bopper, I'm going to have try to discredit you on an intellectual basis by deeming you...fanatical.

---Itrakh's fanatical eyes gleam with fanaticism.

[Darkly]: Egads! The rumors ARE true! You are a fanatic! But unfortunately for us, not an incredibly stupid or gullible one, like so many others.

---Itrakh nods slowly and fanatically, eyes gleaming with the fire of inner fanaticism--and intelligence.

[Itrakh]: Fanatically opposed to your tyranny, Darkly. <gags on such trite lines-- thinks to himself..."Man, WHO is writing this stuff?">

[Darkly]: The lunacy is strong with this one...

[Itrakh]: Attacking grammar will be of little use either, considering your constant detractive comments on this Ganodghri's grammar are often laden with grammatical errors as well.

[Darkly-eyes narrowing to slits]: You dare insult my insults on your grammar? That was all I could think of. You obviously aren't lacking intelligence, or I would have imposed my will upon you like the rest of the forumites. Now you attack my grammar? <fumes>

[Itrakh]: The ultimate insult to a self-important-deluded author.

[Darkly]: I still have my ego. <aims ego at Itrakh, menacingly>

---Itrakh shudders and flees.

[Itrakh--whilst running away]: There is no weapon to combat such ruthlessnes!  Later in the afternoon, Jacen is lounging in the yard looking through some things that were brought back from the supply run. Luke approaches him.

Luke: "Hey, Jacen, you're drooling. Whatcha lookin at?"
Jacen: "We brought back some research to see what is going on in the EU."
(Jacen has a copy of The Last Command comic and SW Tales 1 in his lap.)
Luke: "That's your aunt, Jacen! You are such a perv sometimes!"
Jacen: "I can't help it. I am at that age."
Luke: "That's still no excuse."
(Meanwhile Mara comes up behind them and takes a look.)
Mara: (looking at the TLC comic) "Ugh! What are you doing with that comic? I thought I burned all the copies."
(Mara snatches it from Jacen.)
Luke: (pointing to SWT1) "This one seems new. Another starring role for you, plus as a supporting character."
(Mara flips through it and stops on 'Extinction'.)
Mara: "Arrgh! Would you look at this. Why do these oversexed hacks keep drawing me with a huge chest?"
Luke: (kiddingly) "I don't know... but you look... hubba hubba..."
(Mara slaps him hard across the face before storming off. Luke looks very pained. Han arrives just in time to witness the slap and sees Luke's discomfort.)
Han: (jokingly) "Hey there Luke, I thought Jedi did not know pain."
Luke: "We don't... normally... it's just... she also force-choked me where it really hurts."
(Both Han and Jacen grimace.)
Han: "You had better go make up to her."
Luke: "I know, I know. I was just kidding with her."
Han: "I'd say you struck a raw nerve though."
(Luke slowly limps to the house.)


Luke enters the bedroom and sees Mara sitting on the bed. Her face is flush and her eyes are red.

Mara: (angrily) "If you value your ability to procreate you had better leave."
Luke: (soothingly) "Please Mara. I am so sorry. I was only kidding. I didn't know you would take it so personally."
Mara: "Well, you thought wrong. Or didn't think at all."
Luke: "I am truly sorry. How many times do you want me to say it?"
Mara: "Keep it coming."
Luke: "Search my feelings, you know them to be true."
Mara: (growls) "I know that."
Luke: "What can I say? I am just a stupid, insensitive man."
(This elicits a slight smile from Mara. Luke knows he is safe.)
Luke: "Listen Mara, I wouldn't have said anything if I knew it was such a sore topic for you."
Mara: "You don't understand Luke 'cause your not a woman and are a movie character."
Luke: "Care to enlighten me?"
Mara: "First of all, you movie characters get more respect. Even though we've had more character development than you."
Luke: "You don't have to remind me. I spent too many years as a depressed monk."
Mara: "They think we are expendable because we aren't movie canon."
Luke: "Don't forget about Chewie; they decided to bump him off."
Mara: "That's because no one bothered to write him."
Luke: "Some people did a good job."
Mara: "Second, it's these depictions." (she waves the TLC comic in her hand)
Mara: "These comic book hacks just love drawing women with huge chests, skinny waists, long legs, and skimpy clothes."
Luke: "Those types never outgrew their oversexed, teenage years."
Mara: "They think all women are sex objects to oogle."
Luke: "You know they are just drawing down to their audience... Dumbing it down."
Mara: "They even did it to your sister... Put her in a crop top and bikini undies... and she was pregnant at the time."
Luke: "I know, I know. They ignore things in favor of their own fantasies."
Mara: "Not only that, they can't even draw me consistently." (She shows him Union.)
Luke: "Even I don't look very good in some of this."
Mara: "But at least you weren't 10 different people."
(There is a pause, as Luke doesn't know what to say.)
Mara: "And that's not the half of it. Look at this."
(Mara shows look some thread intel from the ECA spies.)
Mara: "The prepubescent droolers are knocking themselves out salivating over me."
Luke: "I know. It's disgusting."
Mara: "Plus, they hate me now. They want to kill me off in the most horrendous ways."
Luke: "I wouldn't worry about the spiteful musings of death obsessed, gothic freaks."
Mara: "But..."
Luke: “Don't worry, Mara.” SUNDAY 26 MARCH 2000
(The Ranch)

(Lightning and thunder erupt from DB's inner sanctum as a howl of indescribable anguish ensures from the previously sound proof room. Suddenly a LMM Guard appears in the room where the CDRO and LMM are watching the Oscars. LMMG is dressed in Imperial Storm trooper armour. He does not speak. The CDRO and LMM stare at him for a long moment then get up and follow the LMMG, nervously awaiting their fate)

---

(The Grand Audience Chamber)
(CDRO and LMM cower on the ground as DB storms in)
DB: WHY? Not even for SFX. Don't those fools realise that the entire film was computer generated - even the script! The Matrix just pretended to be set in a computer generated world, ours actually was! (starts sobbing uncontrollably) We were beaten by AUSTRALIANS.... AUSTRALIANS!!! Do you have any idea how degrading that is?
CDRO: Maybe we could film the next film there so we can make use of their talent?
LMM (jumps in helpfully): Then we could use actual actors this time! Not just have people put voices to images.
(DB fixes him with a deadly scare and LMM cowers down ever further)
LMM: (defensive): Well what has HE (pointing to CDRO) got to do with the films?
(With that rejoinder he promptly runs out of the room before he goes the same way as LMMM1 and LMMM2)

(CDRO is left looking rather sheepish before he prudently decides to flee as well)

(DB, rather amused by this display picks up the newspaper to seek solace in the news of some other film's failure. Suddenly he freezes up. The headline on the front page reads " The Sixth Sense overtakes The Empire Strikes Back on the All Time List.")

---

(Somewhere far, far away Darkly Preposterous starts cackling evilly.)

DP: Soon.... soon they will have no other choice than to publish me! (Bursts out into maniacal laughter)
  
Announcer: "Well, folks, on to round two of the Flunky Feud!!! In the first round, we had a lot of cross-and-jostle work, but no falls....DP bruised his ego on ASP's smugness, but no permanent damage was done to either...."
LMM: (to CDRO) "Unfortunately..."
Announcer: "So here we are--in this corner, the champion forum geek and suck-up, the Master of Monotony, the Sultan of Shallow, the Smarm-Meister himself, it's Darkly Preposterous!!!"
Darkly takes a bow. The audience, still mostly composed of the Extremist Cranks' Association, responds in stereo with loud raspberries...
Announcer: (reprovingly) "Now, folks. Kind hearts are more than coronets...And in this corner, the challenger, Darkly's former acolyte and minion, the Titan of Tautology, the Oligarch of the Obvious, the Domineering Dullard himself, it's Anathema Skypolo!!!"
Anathema does a pirouette in the center of the ring...
The crowd hoots derisively...
Announcer: "And tonight we're all appearing before our beloved audience, those Nattering Nabobs of Negativism* themselves, the Extremist Cranks' Association!!!"
The audience cheers itself, which is kinda odd if you think about it...
Announcer: "I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce some guests...here tonight are the ultimate Clone Wars veteran himself, the LucasArts Marketing Minion...the original!!"
The crowd boos lustily...
Announcer: "...and tonight playing Tweedle-Dum to LMM's Tweedle-Dee, the Matchless Merchant of Mendacity himself, the Chief Del Rey Overlord...!!!"
CDRO places his hand on his chest and bows in a stately manner. The crowd makes some distinctly unpleasant noises...at considerable length...
Announcer: "And for our very, very, very special guest tonight, the Lara Croft of the NJO herself, gorgeous, brainy, sexy, and completely vapid, the fan-boy fave, it's the mighty Danae Twee..."
Danae does a simper and a semi-curtsey. The stamp on her forehead--it says (you guessed it) ?Male Fantasy'--stands out in sharp relief against her skin. The crowd's hormones overcome its taste--in a walk--and there are more whistles than boos...
Announcer: "Before we begin the second round, Darkly has an announcement..."
Darkly skips forward and speaks into the Announcer's microphone...
Darkly: "Friends, I just wanted to let you know....once I win tonight, my masters, as a reward, have agreed to publish my next opus--we English majors use words like that--in which I will kill off Mara Jade, after I get her pregnant, of course, and replace her with that famous waste-of-space herself, my fantasy and yours, Danae Twee..."
The crowd boos VERY loudly...Danae hops up and down and claps her tiny hands with glee...
LMM (to CDRO): "WHAT?"
CDRO: (through clenched teeth) "Damn! I knew removing his implants was a mistake..."
There is a sudden disturbance in the crowd...
Announcer: "Well, whaddyeknow!!! We have another surprise for you, folks, a favorite of yours is in the audience and wants to participate..."
Mara Jade comes forward and starts climbing over the ropes...
Announcer: "It's the former Emperor's Hand, former smuggler chief, and current Jedi Master--MARA JADE!!!"
The crowd cheers wildly. Mara grins as she balances on the ropes, and blows kisses to the crowd. She then turns to focus her attention on the Enraptured One...*
Mara: (to Darkly) "So you're gonna get ME pregnant, you pathetic little worm...in your DREAMS!!!"
Luke: (he is standing behind her) "Mara...!!!"
Mara: (fiercely to Luke while standing on the ropes) "And don't think you can stop me, either!!!"
Luke: (to Mara) "Why should I stop you? Just wanted to make sure you beat him up thoroughly."
Mara: (continuing her climb) "Will do, husband mine..."
Luke: (making gagging noises) "This is the AU, remember? You don't HAVE say Stackpole's lame dialogue here, so spare me, for godsakes!!!"
Mara: "Oh yeah, I forgot--Will do, snookums."
Luke: "That's better."
Announcer: "Well, folks, here's a treat for you!!! It's Mara Jade versus the Forums Geeks!!!"
The crowd cheers wildly once again...
Mara: "Well, here's the first order of business..."


[Lit Forum]: All right you two, what is the meaning of this?
[Itrakh]: <points to Darth Tuna> Don't look at me, He started it!
[Lit Forum]: Ahh, yes, it seems that he did. But You, Itrakh, are the fanatic behind this!

[Itrakh]: Stang! All Itrakh did was click on the next oldest topic link!

[Lit Forum]: Nevermind! Silence! Your fanatical ways are polluting this forum! Nobody is free to express their opinions with nuts like you lurking! Your uncanny knack to disuade fantasy and imbue logic mixed with irreverently and often perilously-close-to-lunacy humor will be the undoing of all of us tightwads with absolutely no sense of humor and will-imposing-on-the-weak-minded tendencies. You are therefore considered a lunatic to ensure that you do more damage.

[Itrakh]: Gadzooks! That's about the kajillionth time someone has tried to discredit Itrakh on grounds of lunacy!

... What about Itrakh's opinion? Isn't this a discussion forum, to share opinions?

[Lit Forum]:...

[Itrakh]: <patriotic music blares in the background> Didn't our forefathers establish a Constitution granting the freedom of speech and the curtailment of those opposed-free-thinking?

[Lit Forum]: You realize, that by invoking emotional and patriotic responses that you are undermining our authority, and that makes it even harder to discredit you and label you a fanatic so that others will not hear your voice. Don't you?

[Itrakh]: Hmmmm.. hadn't thought of that. Just wanted to say Gadzooks and kajillion a lot of times. But, since you mention it, yeah, that sounds okay.

[Lit Forum]: ...

[Itrakh]: Oh, that and adding Buck Rodgers was kinda fun.

[Lit Forum]: <fuming>

[Itrakh]: Say, do you guys know...

[Lit Forum]: SILENCE!!!! YOU ARE A RAVING LUNATIC AND A FANATIC AND SHOULD BE BANNED FROM THIS FORUM!!!!!

[Itrakh]: Hmmmm... Itrakh's getting some force-vibes indicating that there are a number of unkind feelings eminating from the lit forum towards a particular Ganodghri...

GADZOOKS!!!! Could it be that Itraaakhh, the evil clone of Itrakh was recently sighted here? Naah. That'd be lunacy.

[Lit Forum--amongst themselves]: Now what do we do? He's thinking about cloning himself? Then there'd be two of those annoying maggots.

---Itrakh, delves into his biochemical and genetic apparatus, fanatically applied to the unknown task at hand....
The audience is eagerly awaiting the final showdown between Mara and Darkly Preposterous. Suddenly a member of the audience (Rabble Rouser 1) has a thought. Since this doesn't happen too often he pauses to commemorate this unusual occasion.

RR1 (asks RR2): Isn't Mara a fantasy projection of a middle-aged male author as well? She's in her 40s for crying out loud. She should have stretch marks, be on the verge of menopause and have a whole plethora of injuries from her decades of service as an assassin and Jedi.

RR2 (drooling as he watches Mara): SHHH! Don't ruin it. Look at what she did to Danni.
(Deep in the bowls of the Ranch, Vader, Killer and Leia pour over a manuscript Darkly Preposterous has sent to the CDRO with orders to publish)

Vader: What is this sh^%?
Leia: Have Mara die in child birth? What does he think this is? The Middle ages? A Jane Austen novel?
Killer: Worse! At least Jane Austen doesn't have any immaculate conceptions.
Leia: Next thing you'll know DP will be talking about 'confinement'. Across town from the ranch in an old VFW hall in the run-down section of town, a meeting is taking place.

Speaker 1: (taps the lecturn several times) "Quiet everyone... Thank you. Welcome to the 20th quarterly Star Wars meeting of AWFUL (Authors Writing Fiction Usually Loathed).

Speaker 1: (to the audience) "My name is Jay, I am the founder of AWFUL, and I am an AWFUL."
Crowd: "Hello Jay."
Jay: "We have a new member joining us tonight, but before the introductions, let's go around the room and introduce ourselves."
Speaker 2: "My name is Barbie, and I am an AWFUL."
Speaker 3: "Hello, my name is Al, and I have been a member of AWFUL for 4 years."
Speaker 4: "Hi, my name is Rhonda, and I have been a member for 3 years."
Speaker 5: "My name is Mac, and I've been a member for 2 years."
Speaker 6: "My name is Dubya and I joined last year."
Jay: "As I mentioned, we have a new member. Stand up and introduce yourself."
New Member: "Um... Hi... My name is Ray, and I guess I am an AWFUL."
Crowd: "Wecome Ray."
Jay: "Ray, why don't you tell us a little about yourself."
Ray: "Well... umm... I am one of the 'Biggest Writers at Del Rey.'"
Jay: "No bragging here Ray."
Ray: (defensively) "But it's true. I am being honest here."
Jay: "Tell us about your recent experience then."
Ray: "Well, I just recently wrote a book I thought was a slam dunk."
Jay: "I think we all thought that about our books Ray."
(Murmurs of agreement in the group.)
Ray: "This really was supposed to be a guarenteed sure thing."
Dubya: "I know the feeling. I was told the same thing."
Ray: "But not everyone loved it and some people hated it. I can't understand why."
 

Loud boos from the people, and they are many and legion, that ol' ASP has condescended to in his time...
Announcer: "Last and definitely least, the token female...Anal-Victorian...!!!"
Anal curtsies as gracefully as can be expected when you've got a Great Big Key in your back...
The audience has mercy, and claps politely, led by CDRO and after some prompting, LMM...
Announcer: "And in the red corner, handling the training duties, we have the three little Flunkeys in embryo...take a bow, guys....first up is StuMulligan..."
A vertically-challenged sort who is either a short eleven-year-old or a large midget gets up and takes a bow...he has "First Stooge" emblazoned on his T-shirt...
Announcer: "...then we have Ravingwad...."
A neckless wonder in the throes of early adolescence is wearing a T-shirt with the caption--"Second Stooge"...
Announcer: "...and last but trying harder, we have HMS Gonorrhea..."
This tiny tot has embellished his T-shirt, which already reads "Third Stooge" with an extra hand-made caption, with says "HOUSEWIVES ARE SCUM."
Announcer: "And now before the main event, the Stooges will entertain us with a short musical interlude...

Stooges: (singing)
"Hey, hey, we're the Flunkies!
And people say we flunkey around...
We're too busy scheming...
To put ev'rybody down...
We're not tryin' to be friendly...
With us you must agree...
To hell with the Constitution...
Here speech isn't free...

*(Sung to the tune of, god help me, "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees.")

Announcer: "Thank you, guys. Don't quit your day jobs or anything, though...And tonight our referee is that well-known admin, Dementia Praecox..!"
Wearing the zebra stripes is a guy who looks like he's just had a root canal and has another scheduled for on the morrow--that is, long-suffering...
Referee: (to Announcer) "How did I get myself into this?"
Announcer: (taking him literally) "Well, I heard you and the other admins drew straws...and you lost..."
Referee: (bitterly) "It was rigged..."
The Referee goes to the microphone and starts setting out the rules of the fight. The audience takes this as their cue to go and buy popcorn...
Just then the Referee observes DP practicing with his lightsabre, and notices that under the cardboard is a genuine flame-thrower...
Referee: "Hey! That's against the rules!"
DP: (coolly) "The rules don't apply to me, and I haven't the slightest intention of obeying them..."
Ref: (astonished) "You're going embarrass me this way in public? "
DP: "Sure..."
Ref: "What the hell's your problem? You're supposed to be an adult!"
ASP: "Haven't you heard? He's not an adult As an aside, a Dramatis Personae: Bjorn Borg - We?ve already met this stiff.

DewMomma - Overburdened wookie mother of (at least) a hundred rambunctious cubs.

Emerald Flame - Androgynous computer hacker and conspiracy buff.

Princess Aleve - Harmless appearing medieval damsel with an unhealthy affinity for edged weapons.

Professor Leatherneck - Librarian, historian and chief strategist.

The membership includes others, to be sure, but the above currently comprise The Cranks leadership. 
Back to story: Wilton Smythers must have lost consciousness for a moment or two and needed assistance getting up. His escorts had him by the arms and were helping him to his feet when he again felt the incredible ache in his nether regions. It would be with him for a while, he figured, as that furry missile that hit him was moving right along. Slowly, he began to take in his surroundings. It was still the same hallway, but now he and his escorts were surrounded by at least a dozen small, shaggy beasts. They were obviously wookie young. Nothing else could be so furry, curious and full of destructive energy. Some just looked at him while a few others passed around the remaining parcels not yet delivered in an impromptu game of keep away.

"Give me those!" Wilt shouted with impatience as he reached in vain for the rest of the books. The cubs played this game often and had become good at it making Wilt's efforts completely in vain. After a couple minutes, the escorts took control of the situation and helped retrieve the goods before they could become lost or damaged.

With some care and a great deal of pain, Wilt walked the rest of the way through the ever-thicker sea of fuzzy beasts towards the area set aside for DewMomma, the next Crank on the route. Being the mother of at least a hundred little beasts, she was allocated a great deal of room which served as a massive nursery complex. Wilt finally found her in the central community room. She stood a couple feet taller than the average cub but it was still hard to distinguish her from her surroundings. What Wilt saw was the embodiment of chaos. Cubs were everywhere and seemed to be doing everything all at once. There were a handful in one corner supposedly sorting laundry but they had found bath towels and took to snapping one another viciously. Others were drawing on the walls with crayons, sitting on the floor eating out of jars with their bare hands or making some sort of general mess. A dozen cubs had formed a living trampoline for one more who was determined to see how high his brothers and sisters could throw him ... or her. Wilt was never sure which was which. It didn't matter, he just wanted to drop off the package and get away from this pandemonium as soon as possible.

DewMomma stood by a large black iron oven stirring some sort of stew with one hand while nursing a newborn cub with the other when she called Wilt over and asked for the book. Obviously, she had been expecting it and was quite pleased at its arrival.

Wilt waded through the struggling bodies careful of where he stepped and handed the cardboard box over to DewMommabut a cub that had been hiding in the large ceiling fan and central light above dropped down and snatched it away. He hadn't even hit the floor before he was off, bursting through another group of cubs playing hopscotch with the telephone cord and disappearing into the maze of others.

DewMomma looked at the exasperated expression on Wilt's face and said "That's OK dear, I'll find him later when I have a moment to myself. Thanks so much for coming this far." She smiled and with that, Wilt and his escorts made their way back out the door and further into the bowels of the Cranks' domain.

23.  
Okay, back to business and the Smackdown Palace Tag-Team Challenge Match between the Del Rey Flunkies and the Extremist Crank's Association....
Announcer: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I believe everybody's present and accounted for, so let's proceed. I'd like to introduce to you--representing the Extremist Cranks' Association..."
He is drowned out by raucous cheers from the audience...
Announcer: "First up, we have that well-known good bad guy (or is it bad good guy?), a frequent frequenter of hardware stores, and seven-time winner at Wimbledon, Bjorn Borg..."
Wild cheering...Bjorn Borg clanks out wearing tennis whites, aviator glasses, a head band and a long blonde wig. He holds a metal tennis racquet in his hand, which he swings in a vicious semi-circle semi-occasionally. He nods to the crowd, and adjusts his wig...they love this bit of noblisse oblige...
Announcer: "Next up, that doughty defender of the weak and innocent and mother of multitudes...I give you the mighty DewMomma!!! A giant female Wookiee shambles into the ring...she's wearing a tee-shirt with a caption reading "Don't Even THINK About It." Under this, embroidered by hand in unsteady letters, is the following: "HOUSEWIVES RULE!!!" She is also wearing several of her young, who are clinging to her fur and blinking curiously in the harsh lights...she lifts up one of her cubs and makes him wave to the crowd, which loves that, too...
Announcer: "Next up is the mysterious Emerald Flame!
At first, the crowd cheers, but when no one appears, there is a creepy, lengthy silence...
Announcer: (shouting) "I SAID, next up is Emerald Flame!!"
The sound of crickets is heard...
Bjorn Borg: "Em is checking out a conspiracy theory..."
CDRO: (sternly) "Are you short a man?"
BB: "Nah, Em'll be along eventually...at least I think, he will...I've never actually met him...at least I think I haven't..."
Announcer: (noticing that the crowd is getting restless and trying to recapture their attention) "Next, the glamorous and gorgeous one herself, the ultra-fantastic Princess Aleve!"
A tall long-haired woman dressed in a metal breastplate, harem pants, and a veil strides forward and bows to the audience. As she leans forward, 159 needle-sharp stilettos fall from her deep decollete and hit the ground with a mighty clatter...
Darkly Preposterous: "Hey! No weapons allowed!!"
Aleve: (pointing to his flame-thrower) "Prithee, varlet, what is THAT, then?"
DP: (condescendingly) "You're obviously a half-wit, Princess, so I'll speak veddy, veddy slowly so you can understand me..."
Aleve: (folding her arms) "Do not render me any favors, ye olde lamebrain. Expectorate thy musings..."
DP: "Say what?'
Aleve: "Spit it out, dunderhead..."
DP: (smugly) "I'm an administrator. The rules don't apply to me."
Aleve: (snorting) "Who saith?"
She looks pointedly at the referees. Dementia Praecox avoids her eyes; Peanut Butter merely grins and swings his five-iron, missing DP's head by a half an inch or so.
Aleve: (staring at them) "Wellth?"
PB: "If that's what he wants to think, then where's the harm?"
Aleve: (indignantly) "You will permit this varlet to demeanth thy authority?"
PB: (grinning at her) "Well, not JUST him..."
Aleve laughs, shaking her head. Immediately, 159 razor-sharp razor-blades fly out of her coiffure, narrowly missing DP...
DP: (angrily) "Look at that! She's cheating again!"
PB: (mildly) "I didn't see anything..."
BB: (to Aleve) "Hey, how come those things don't cut YOU?"
Aleve (to BB): "I hadth my skin simonized." (She notices that DP is surreptitiously listening and raises her voice) "And I suffered an asbestos treatment to protecteth my royal skin against FLAMES!!!"
DP turns white...
Announcer: "And now I want to introduce the brains of the outfit, ladies and gentlemen, Professor Leatherneck!"
The crowd goes wild as the Professor makes his way to the ring. He is wearing fatigues, a leather flying cap, combat boots, and a set of those reflector shades. A couple of enlisted men follow him, carrying his laptop, cellular phone and toy poodle.
This week on Behind the Books, we delve into the story behind the Episode 2 novelization, the players involved, the decisions behind the scenes, and who ultimately got this plumb project. Epsilon Source has provided us with a transcript of the meeting out at the ranch. In attendance is da Boss, the Lucasfilm Marketing Minion, and the Chief Del Rey Overlord.

The CDRO and LMM enter the throne room of da Boss. Both kneel.
da Boss: "Speak to me."
CDRO: Your eminence, here are some people we thought would have guaranteed sales appeal for the Episode 2 novelization."
(da Boss reads the list)
dB: "Tom Clancy? Nope... too wordy and costs too much, that would take 2 or 3 percent of the expected profits, can't have that."
dB: "JK Rowling? Who's he?"
CDRO: "She, sir."
LMM: The hottest, newest sensation."
CDRO: "She writes the Harry Potter books."
dB "She writes about the guy from M*A*S*H*?"
CDRO: "No, sir."
LMM: "Nevermind sir. Forget about her."
dB: "Timothy Zahn! (lighting bolts shoot randomly from his hands) Over my dead body! Who put this name on here?"
CDRO: "Not me sir."
LMM: "Me either."
CDRO: "Someone must be playing a practical joke."
LMM: "We'll find the scofflaw sir, and put him or her in the Embrace of Pain before termination."
dB: "See that you do."
(The LMM and CDRO both bow their head to the floor.)
dB: "Danniel Steel? Good name recognition, and I know I said that Episode 2 would be a romantic story, but wouldn't she write about <shudder> kissing? And sss, ssss,"
CDRO: "Sex, sir?"
dB: (more lightening bolts) "Dadgummit, you know we don't talk about that around here."
LMM: (shoves the CDRO) "Idiot."
dB: "Who's this next guy? Darkly Preposterous?"
CDRO: "One of the loyal forum suck-ups. A budding writer."
LMM: (whispers to himself) "Budding? How about a no-talent weed!"
dB: "Loyal, you say?"
LMM: "But, sir he has no guaranteed sales except to his fellow suck-ups, cronies, clones and girlfriend."
CDRO: "I think loyalty should be rewarded."
LMM: "And with your list of year 2 and 3 writers, no wonder people are grumbling."
CDRO: "Why you backstabbing little turd."
dB: "Boys, boys. Calm down. No history means no deal."
LMM: (smirking) "I agree, sir."
dB: "If he's been published by E3, and he's groveled at my shrine for a few more years, then maybe I'll consider rewarding his loyalty."
CDRO: "Yes sir."
dB: "Greg Bear? I thought we used him already. Isn't he the token SciFi writer we hired a while back to quiet those loud mouth people with a science education who don't know a fantasy when they see it?"
CDRO: "Yes, sir. He wrote a prequel sequel."

After this commercial, Behind the Books continues its look into the decision behind the assignment of the Episode 2 novelization. <insert commercial for Taco Bell> Welcome back, let's continue to observe the secret footage of the meeting.

dB: "What about that fellow who wrote The Phantom Menace novelization?"
LMM: "Terry Brooks"
dB: "Yeah, him, why not get him back?"
CDRO: "We want to spread things around to our other writers, give them more exposure, suck in fans to their other works. Plus, I don't like him too much."
dB: "Why is that?"
CDRO: "He trashed the EU last year."
dB: "According to my orders. I hate it when fans think the EU is better than MY movies, so I always do this every once in a while."
LMM: (to CDRO) "Besides, you don't take the EU seriously anyway, so what's the problem?"
CDRO: "We can't appear to sanction that kind of behavior. Image is everything."
LMM: "Can't argue with that."
CDRO: "We have someone else in mind."
dB: "R A Salvatore... who the heck is that. Never heard of him."
CDRO: "He's a well known fantasy writer who..."
dB: (interrupting) "That Brooks guy was a fantasy writer wasn't he? Did that draw in more fantasy fans?"
CDRO: "I don't know, sir."
dB: "You don't know? You are paid to know! (getting angry) Star Wars is a bloomin' fantasy!** with a SciFi feel. We need more fantasy fans."
CDRO: "Understood boss. This Salvatore guy is a fantasy writer, and the one we hired after we fired whats-his-face




Back at E.C.A. HQ ...

Wilt was actually feeling better. In the time that had passed since his high speed encounter with the waist high wook cub, he had been able to shake off all but a trace of his horrible ache. He also had most of his deliveries behind him and that was the best news of all. With only two more books to deliver, he'd soon be outside in the fresh air away from these kooks.

He and his burly Crank escorts arrived at the office of the one and only Princess Aleve. The security guards opened the door and led Wilt inside. The large 'office' was decorated like a room inside a medieval castle. There was the fireplace and oversized hearth, an ornate covered bed, bear skin rugs and all walls featured a rock face finish. Tapestries were hung as decoration and insulation on all the walls ... except for one. One wall was not graced with a tapestry but instead held every kind of edged weapon one could imagine. There were countless knives of all shapes and sizes, swords in over two dozen styles, a few cut-down spears and at least twenty exotic-looking pikes and polearms. Each looked very sharp was polished to a perfect sheen suggesting they were each taken down and oiled fairly frequently. This bit of fluff had a bite!

The Princess herself sat at a marble desk in front of a large mirror combing the long black hair that wound its way down to her waist. The young lady with alabaster skin was dressed in an elaborate, many layered pink gown of lace and a slightly sheer material that seemed to float and dance each time she moved. Although Wilt found her attractive, he dared not show it. A former deliver person, Sammy, had made that mistake once before and he served as an example to the rest of the delivery people at Zippity Doo Da. It seems Sammy got a little 'fresh' with the harmless appearing damsel and ended up spending several days in Arlington Hospital nursing an especially nasty slash wound. That was nearly a year ago but he still walked with a pronounced limp. And, from the scowl on his wife's face and her sour disposition at the last company picnic, many of the guys at the shop figured Sammy may be permanently impotent.

Aleve turned, and saw Wilt. "Dost thou have a parcel for me good man?" she inquired. As she shifted in her chair a picture on the desk behind her was revealed. It was that of a nerdy looking boy in his early twenties wearing a foolish grin. The name on it said "Darkly" something or other. Wilt couldn't quite make out the last name as the portrait had a dozen throwing knives sticking into it.

Wilt hated to talk to Princess Aleve so he spoke as little as possible as to lessen the chances he?d offend her in any way. He just couldn't make an honest attempt at old English so he finished every extra-polite sentence with "m'lady" which seemed to please her well enough.

"Yes, I have it right here, m'lady" Wilt said as he extended the hand gently holding the package containing the book while kneeling carefully before her. She rose from her desk, placed a silver tiara upon her head and strode regally to the delivery man and took the book from him.

"Thou shalt forever have my gratitude.? she said with a smile as she opened the package and began thumbing through the volume. Immediately, she began shaking her head. Something was wrong and the warm smile on Princess Aleve's face was rapidly being displaced by a disappointed frown. Sensing her mood was about to change for the worse Wilt began to back up quickly while still on his knees. This proved awkward and he nearly fell a number of times during the short trip to the door. His escorts helped him up once he made it outside the door and they quickly got under way. It was none too soon as thumping and crashing sounds punctuated with the occasionally angry shriek from the Princesses 'office' suggested she was having one of her legendary, and very un-lady-like, temper tantrums.

Only one more Crank to go ...


Meanwhile, in DewMomma's domain, amid the chaos of at least a hundred young sapients, a phone on a cluttered desk rang softly. 48 assorted cubs, kits and pups shouted "Phone's ringin' !" and 27 other little voices piped "I'll get it!" DewMomma swiftly snatched up the phone.

DM: DewMamma's Daycare, how may I help you?"
PL( in his best Drill Sergeant voice): This is Professor Leatherneck, Dew. Did you happen to see the latest addition of "Behind the Books" last night? About the novelization of Episode 2?
DMhedging a bit) Ummmm, last nite? Behind the Books you say? Ah gee, I.......
PL: Well DID you? The Emperor did...and as much as it pleased him, he's a bit worried about the effect the report will have in certain places. He'd like to know just how the information was leaked. And just how much proof the Emerald Flame has for those allegations.. It was Em wasn't it?
DM: Um... well Em wrote the final report, yes. But.....
PL: I thought I saw Wookiee paw prints all over the piece. Perhaps you and The Flame had better explains a few things.
DM: In Emperor Palindrome's office?
PL: Now, Dew, you know that no one but me has actually MET the Emperor, and at least for now, all messages to and from the Emperor go thru my office. So get over here on the double.
DM. The Flame's in the library, shall I transfer your call there?
PL (A bit of panic in his voice) What...Talk to EM on the PHONE???? You remember what happened last time don't you?
Look, Dew, ah... you call the Flame.....no one would DARE explode a Wookiee Mom's cell phone
DM: Oh you poor dear, are you still frightened of cell phones? Well now don't worry, dear, I'll bring Em to your office in 10 minutes.
(Hangs up phone and turns to cubs): Scruffy, Tandy, please go to the library and ask the Emerald Flame to come here.
Scruffy and Tandy: Grff, grau, rurofff
DM: Basic boys, please, how can you learn to be effective agents if you can't speak basic?
Tandy: <In barely understandable basic, like a normal human teen> Cripes Ma, howcome I gotta do allthe work ?round this place.
Scuffy <mimicking his older sibling, but in better basic> Yes, mother, why is it that we, mere cubs, are compelled to perform menial tasks.
DM: Go, now. Or no GameCub or holonet tonight.
Cubs: Yes mom.    The wookie cubs Tandy and Scruffy enter the library looking for Emerald Flame.

Tandy: "Where daya think Flamer is."
Scruffy: "Where else? Periodicals."
Tandy: "Huh?"
Scruffy: "Reading 'Conspiracy Monthly'"
(The two cubs go over to see Emerald reading the most current issue.)
EF: "What are you two up to?"
Tandy: "Mom pressed us into servitude again."
Scruffy: "Mother bade us to come and inquire if you would return with us."
EF: "What for?"
Tandy: "She never tells us."
Scruffy: "I think it has something to do with the Professor."
EF: "Oh. Umm. Okay. I guess he didn't like that I fried his Nokia."
Scruffy: "You blew up his cell phone?"
Tandy: (hopefully) "Cool, could you teach us how to do it?"
EF: "No. I don't share my tricks. Lead the way."
(Emerald and the two cubs go back to DewMomma's.)
EF: "What's up Dew?"
DM: "The Professor wants to talk to us."
EF: "Is he pissed I fried his Nokia?"
DM: "Yes, but that's not the issue."
EF: "What's up now?"
DM: "He's worried about your premature posting of the Episode 2 Behind the Books."
EF: "Oh, geez, he's such a tight***."
DM: "Language, Flame! This IS a Daycare Center, little humanoid ears, you know."
EF: "Sorry ma'm."
DM: "See that it doesn't happen again. The Professor's worried about proof and protecting our sources. You know how persistent the opposition is in getting out disinformation and attacking our positions."
EF: "I am careful."
DM: "Just humor him, dear."
EF: "Let's get this over with."
(They start to leave, when a half grown Noghri kit tugs on DewMomma's sleeve.)
DM: "Yes, Khuskhaskh?"
KH: "I decoded the message that Tandy got from the messenger he "ran" into. You were right, our source in DR's mailroom did plant something in the book that was just delivered to you, and several things on his person, but we didn't get everything when we frisked the guy when he got here. We need to search him again, there should still be a floppy disk and a matchbook with some micro film. What should we do?"
DM: Check with security and see where he is, then take a couple of cubs and waylay him. Take one of the young Gands with you, they're cute at that stage, he (or she, I never can tell) can crawl all over the guy while someone lifts the missing items."
KH: "Okay."
(They finally go down to Leatherneck's office.)
PL: "Flame, you owe me a phone."
EF: "Yeah, yeah, yeah! Same model as before?"
PL: "And don't hotwire it this time."
EF: "You're no fun!"
PL: "Now tell me about how you came to be in possession of the secret information you so boldly posted as your latest 'Behind the Books' feature."

DM: "Seems we have a "friend" at the Ranch, who somehow knew where to reach us. A CD-ROM was sent to The Flame disguised as an free Internet access offer."
EF: "When I tried the software and the kriffing thing didn't connect to the net, I thought it might be some intel."
DM: "The CD-ROM contained an audio file and video file on the Episode 2 meeting, and one text file."
PL: "Who is this "friend" at the ranch?"
DM: "We're not sure yet."
EF: "I put the CD through all my standard decrypts and forensic tests."
PL: "Did you find anything?"
EF: "The CD was cleaner than a hypochondriacs countertop. But the CD-ROM case turned up one, long, brunette hair."
PL: "Interesting."
DM: "We think so too." (to Flame) "Tell him about the text file."
EF: "The text file contained one sentence... "The New Order wanted you to have this.""
PL: "Very interesting indeed. How did this friend know how to contact you?"
EF: "As you know, I comb the web searching for conspiracy info under the name "The Flame"."
DM: "Our best guess right now is that this "friend" saw Flame out on the net, put Flame together with the ECA and took a chance."
EF: "At least one person at the Ranch can put 2 and 2 togther and come up with 4."
PL: "Excellent. We'll want to protect this source. (to Flame) Why did you post that this information came from a source called Epsilon?"
EF: "Don't worry. I was going to post the next bit of information was received from Delta Source. Then one from Lamppost Source.   Meanwhile.....

Wilt and his escorts quickly and with a sigh of relief left the corridor leading from the Princess's enclave. On to the Emerald Flame's lair. The door to the Flame's office was closed, as usual, and the guard could see at once that the Flaming one was not at home, for the door was bolted from the outside. Three sturdy padlocks secured the door. Wilt insisted on knocking anyway and was about to leave the package by the door and flee the building having satisfied his conscience that he'd TRIED to deliver all the packages, it wasn't his fault one of the recipients was unavailable. But one of the burly guards said simply "Library" and proceeded to hustle Wilt down a long hallway to the cavernous Extremist Cranks library.

"Emerald Flame here?" one of the guards asked the young human at the desk by the doorway.
"Nope, was here, some cubs came and dragged the Flame to the daycare center."
"NO!" Wilt fairly shouted, "I won't go there again!"
"No need," the young man said," One of the cubs said that the Flamster and the Wook were being summoned to Prof. Leatherneck's office. And I wouldn't bother them there, if I was you, fella"
He turned to the escorts, "Why don't ya take the poor guy to the cafeteria for a cuppa coffee or something"
As Wilt and the guards left, the library kid spoke a single word into the intercom, "Cafeteria."  PL: "Now, continue your explanation of how you came to post the Episode 2 novelization undercover story."

EF: "Well, a few weeks ago..." <fade to> inside the headquarters of the Extremist Cranks Association, sitting behind a bank of computers is the mysterious Crankster, Emerald Flame. Flame has long, filthy blonde hair in a ponytail, and no trace of facial hair. Flame is wearing wire rimmed eyeglasses, a small earring in each ear, faded and ripped blue jeans, beat-up sneakers, and a B&W T-shirt with a photo of a flying saucer on it with the words: "Sure I believe, I just don't care!" Right now, Em is baiting would-be hackers who are trying to get into the ECA network via its unpublished, shadow website.

EF: (to the computer) "Oh, you're pretty good, but still a lightweight. The best hackers in the world can't get through my firewall. (laughing deviously) Say bye-bye."
(Em presses a button and shorts out the computer on the other end. There is a knock at the door.)
EF: "Go away." (the knocking continues. Flame checks the videocamera and sees a Wookie cub waiting at the door. Two minutes after all the door locks are disengaged, the cub enters.)
EF: "What do you want you furry little oaf?"
Tandy: "rrrooorl, woooof"
EF: "Emperor's Funny Bones, you know I don't understand you. I really need to learn that crazy language."
(Tandy starts waving what looks like the mail along with a CDROM.)
EF: "Oh, is that the mail?"
Tandy: "Rrrroooaaarrr." <Em knows that means yes>
EF: "Put it down over there."
Tandy: (reverting to Basic after seeing what Flame is doing) "Oh, cool, are you messing with hackers?"
EF: "Yeah, I just shorted out the last guy. The next one is stuck in an infinite loop I set up."
(Tandy thinks Flame is so "kewl" because Em zaps hackers and other "kewl" things. Em zaps the last hacker after getting bored, you can almost hear the yelps of pain on the other end.. Tandy is just standing there admiring the action.)
EF: (looks at the mail) "Ooo. Another free Internet offer. At this rate, we'll never pay for Internet service. Hand that to me would you."
(Chuckling, Em puts the CDROM in the computer and proceeds to extract more free minutes out of US Offline.)
EF: (to the computer again) "Zahn-darnnit, this kriffing CDROM doesn't work! What kind of free service is this?"
(Tandy ejects the CDROM, flips it over, and puts it back in again.)
EF: (sarcastically) "Geez, why didn't I think of that?"
(A welcome message pops up.)
EF: (to Tandy) "Not bad kid. Oh, Menace-doo! It's coded in your crazy wookie dialect!!"
(Tandy senses that Em is about to have a meltdown so splits immediately. Just then the phone rings.)
EF: "Rassem frassem, what now?"
(Em picks up the phone, it's the professor calling.)
EF: "Zahn-darnnit!! I told you not to bother me!"
(Em hits a button on one of the keyboards and fries the professor's cell phone)
EF: (to the computer, again) "Now I have to wade into DewMomma's wing to get help decoding this."
(Em puts on a flightsuit that has no outside pockets to thwart all those stray paws from lifting things. Em reaches DewMomma's Daycare. The Gand babies immediately start crawling all over Em, but the Wookie cubs stay away because Em is no fun.)
EF: "Geez, why do these things crawl all over me like this? Nothing I can do stops them."
DM: "They do that to all the oxygen breathers for some reason."
EF: (brushing off the Gand babies) "Dew, I need help decoding this CDROM. I think it's a new source."
DM: "You know Em, if you didn't spend so much time locked up in your lair thinking up conspriacy theories you could learn our dialect and wouldn't have to always come over here."
EF: "But, conspiracies abound, if I don't expose them, no one else will."
(DewMomma seems unconvinced.)
DM: "Alright, I'll help, But please, don't flick flames near the Gands, they are methane breathers, remember. Now where's this CDROM?"

<<Fade back to Leatherneck's office.>>  (Naboo: Han and co after over half a year of binge drinking and whoring are still happily perching in their favorite bar moaning about all the injustices they have suffered at the hands of BDD and DR)

Han: What about the time they had those Yetti-Nazi things torture me. The things they will do for publicity!

Luke: Well at least you came out a hero, saving the NR from yet ANOTHER huge threat. Every time they got me in a fight with someone else they had to seriously injure me in some way so the other person had a serious chance of beating me....

Jacen: (burps) Some SERIOUS chance. Everyone always knows you win out in the end. Even with your frequent dark side skirmishes.

Luke: (whining) But I almost lost my leg!

Han: (smirks) You could have gotten a matching black leather trouser leg to match the glove.

Anakin: Well try being the boy genius who absolutely has to solve every mechanical problem before a qualified professional does.

Han: Yeah, well when the boy genius screws up HIS repairs aren?t covered under my insurance policy. Try paying THOSE rates (glares at Itrakh .... er Luke)


<<<Chewbacca has been sitting back listening to this whingeing for far too long and eventually loses patience>>>

Chewbacca: Oh you poor little dears! Boy geniuses, saving the galaxy every other day. Poor little didums! Well at least you had a life. I get shoved off on Han in a pathetic white master - black slave variant, don?t see my family for twenty years, and get ABSOLUTELY NO STORY LINE. Tell me, why doesn't this much-vaunted Wookie life debt work both ways? (Points to Han) How many times have I saved that drunkard?s life? HE owes ME at least a couple of dozen life debts. Slave labor! I?m not even paid for my services. (Gets up) I?m out of here! This whole revolution was supposed to be because of me. Instead you?re all sitting around here moaning and groaning about how tough life is at the top. (Heads towards the door).

(Han, Luke, Jacen and Anakin all stare at each other blankly)
Jacen: (shrugs) Let him go. We don?t need him, we?re Jedi - the all-knowing, all-powerful omnipotent problem solvers. The Mr Fix-Its and Jack-of-all-trades for the galaxy.
Anakin: After an appropriate period of suspense of course.
Luke: (frowns) Do you think so? But we?re using Chewbacca as a martyr, a symbol of how evil DR is.
Han: Yeah, we will kind of lose credibility if he turns against us.
Anakin: (rolls eyes) Well I think he may have already done that.

(Han and Luke just look at each other for a moment and then chase after Chewbacca who is almost out the door. They tackle him ? with more than a little help from the Force ? tie him up and drag him back in)

Han: I save you from Wookie slavers!
Chewbacca: I saved you from the Storm trooper who was about to shoot you in the back after you killed those slavers!
Han: I saved you from that bounty hunter!
Chewbacca: I saved you from yourself! The number of times I had to fix up your ?repairs? and ?modifications? on the MF isn?t funny.
Han: (a little deflated after that last remark) Well you sure didn?t save me from marrying a politician!
Chewbacca: (sarcastically) From your free meal ticket for twenty years so no one would discover what a terrible smuggler you really are? Whatever your skills as a pilot might be, as a smuggler you stink!
(Han tentatively sniffs under his armpits and immediately tightly crosses his arms).
Han: (a little teary-eyed) I don?t like you any more.
Chewbacca: (sticks his tongue out at him)
Back on Earth, deep in the interior of the Extremist Cranks Association Headquarter, in Professor Leatherneck's office, DewMomma, the silver-furred Wookiee Mom, takes up the accounting of top secret information received from The Ranch:

DM: Well, we translated the CD-ROM and I have to tell you it was in a dialect that I hadn't seen since my days with Wookiee Intelligence.
PL and EF : Really?
DM: Yes, an ancient dialect no longer used, the last time I saw it, a "Wookiee Pride" group was using it to contact some agents working in the TV and movie industry. Trying to get rid of some of the "alien" stereotypes that were so common a couple of decades ago.
EF: I know about the dialect, I meant, were you really in Wookiee Intelligence?
PL and DM give the Flame a look.
PL: So you think your source may have ties to this group?
DM: Could be, I know we've...I mean, they've had people working with da Boss and that other guy for many years. But the thing is, THIS dialect hasn't been used since the mid 80's. The final memo I translated from Yoopwook was an attempt to get those sections of the SW Christmas Special concerning Chewie's family incorporated into the official cannon.
EF: So it's not one of the Wookiee agents and it's not from our usual source at the Ranch.
PL: Any ideas?
DM: My feeling is that it is someone close to the source, someone who was contacted by the agency years ago and who has decided to work for the agency again. The use of the older contact language and the new Wookiee Underground logo tend to support this view.
PL New logo?
EF: Yes, the underground, which has grown very active since last Fall, uses a stylized picture of what seems to be a Wookiee shaking a fist at a falling rock or something. I agree with DewMomma's assessment that we are dealing with someone who's been with da Boss for years and has recently join the ranks of the dissatisfied.
PL: Are you sure we are not dealing with a disgruntled employee?
DM: At the Ranch...come, come my dear professor, it's all one big happy family there. Seriously, we checked the information thru other resources and everything checks out. That list our source sent of potential Ep2 authors, with the exception of Zahn, agrees with various memos and interoffice e-mails we've intercepted.
EF: And there seems to be suspicious gaps in some of the e-mail correspondences I've intercepted. Like someone did a very thorough job of removing somebody from the usual address list. In fact I've uncovered a conspiracy to cover up the firing of an LFL employee. It's like this person never existed... I've got one of my contacts from TZLA working on it.
PL (to DM) TZLA?
DM (quietly) Tim Zahn Liberation Army.....conspiracy freaks of the 10th magnitude, but competent investigators who turn up good intel.
PL: So Flame, you are satisfied that this "source" is genuine?
EF: Yes and the voice analyzer IDed the voices on the transcript, and I can't find any evidence of tampering with the content.
DM: Can we go now Professor? I just received something new from our DR source that I need to turn my attention to.
PL: Of course. Have you had a chance to check out this lasted shipment from DR?
EF: What shipment,? I didn't get anything. Are you people withholding information? Why haven't I gotten anything? Huh?
PL: Cool down Flame, the messenger is probably on his way to your office..if he survived the delivery to Princess Aleve.
EF: (sheepishly) Oh, sorry. Well I'd better be getting back to my office then.
PL: Yes. Well, good work, you two. Keep it up. Dismissed.
EF: (to DM) Dismissed? Who does he think he is?
DM: Humor him, dear, humor him.
And now, back to the show!
Announcer: "Hey folks, remember how we enjoyed hearing the Del Rey Stooges sing ?Hey, Hey, We're the Flunkies'? So while the Professor gets settled, let's give the Cranks the opportunity to regale us with THEIR theme song..."
There is complete silence...
Announcer: "Um, you DO have one, don't you?"
Bjorn Borg looks towards DewMomma and Princess Aleve and shrugs eloquently...
Announcer: (cajolingly) "C'mon, now, even the NJO has a theme song..."
The Cranks all snigger helplessly...
BB: (to the Flunkies) "Yeah, guys, wanna sing it for us?"
This suggestion is received coldly by the Flunkies, who glower at the Cranks...
BB: "Okay...we'll do it for you..."

The Cranks:

"CRUSHYA! KILLYA! BEATCHA! SKINYA! POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYUB PONG!
Gotta great big dong!
YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUYUB PONG!!!"*

CDRO: (horrified) "THAT's not the NJO theme song! The real one is like the Bulgarian National Anthem--hugely dull, with lots of rhymes like ?endure/secure' in it..."
BB: (simply) "We like this one better..."
Darkly Preposterous: "Get with the program, you losers!"
The Cranks: "Ooooooooooooooooo...."
BB: (to his confreres) "The mighty Darkly Preposterous has described us as losers, people. What have we to say to that?"
Princess Aleve mimes a tomahawk throw at DP, whose discretion overcomes his valor in double-quick time...he is seen hiding behind Anathema SkyPolo, who is whiling away the time by telling himself how brilliant he is (no one else will listen anymore...)
The three (visible) Cranks then gather in the center of the ring--

The Cranks (singing):

"We're four of the three musketeers...
We've been together for years..."
BB: "Eenie...
DM: "Meenie..."
PA: "Minie..."
Emerald Flame is still not visible on the horizon, but BB holds out his Nokia, which obligingly bursts into flame as a substitute for ?Moe')
All: "We're four of the three musketeers...
We fight for the King, for the Queen, for the Jack--
And we're first at the front
When the front's at the back
The foe trembles each time it hears
This marvelous motto ring in its ears
It's one for all and two for five
We're four of the three musketeers!
We've been together for years--"
BB: "Eenie..."
DM: "Meenie..."
PA: "Minie..."
EF: [Flaming Finnish phone]
All: "We're four of the three musketeers!"**

Annnoucer: "Hmmm...how--interesting. Quite Marxist..."
BB: (in his best BBC announcer"s voice, acquired at Wimbledon) "Quite."
A discreet raspberry is heard from the direction of the Flunkies....the Princess immediately looks around for something sharp to throw in their direction....Bjorn Borg and DewMomma are last seen not making the slightest attempt to restrain her...

* with apologies to JediSabre77
** with apologies to Kalmar and Ruby 

25.
Professor Leatherneck walks into Bjorn Borg's office and sees the cyborg sitting in his cockpit chair reading a book with an awful frown on his face. A frown even more pronounced than usual.

Professor Leatherneck: "Hey Bjorn, whatch'ya doin?"

Bjorn Borg (still frowning, not looking up): "Reading this book I got in San Diego a week or so ago. It's by one of my favorite authors."

Professor Leatherneck: "Oh? What's it called?"

Bjorn: (glances at the cover) "It's titled 'how to alienate fans in 100 words or less'."

Profressor: "Sounds interesting. Is it any good?"

Bjorn: "Pretty depressing, actually."

Professor: "Oh. Um, so how soon are you gonna have your report ready? The Emperor is eager to find out what I.M. Salivating has been up to. He called my office a couple of times while you and Princess Aleve were out there snooping for info."

Bjorn: "Yeah, well, there's not too much to tell. Salivating is an odd combination of funny and phony. He mentioned wanting to write a 5th hardcover just to spite us. Other than that, he talked about his angry faerie character a lot ... Zzzzzit is its name, I think."

Professor: "Was he alone on the panel?"

Bjorn: "Nope, his keeper Stewart Baffled was there for moral support."

Professor: "No Sheila Slipshod?"

Bjorn: "Not this time."

Professor: "Oh, OK. I'll tell Emperor Palindrome the report is in the works."

And with that, the Professor walked out of the room and left the cyborg to his reading.
Artoo rolls in the the AU NJO rebellion's headquarters followed by a bearded man. Artoo tweetles his arrival.

Mara: "My maker, thank the Force!"
Luke: "Karrde it's so good to see you finally."
Mara: "I take it you got my message?"
Karrde: "Yes. And it's been a long, painful journey to get here."
Thrawn: "Some people don't seem to want you anywhere near this story."
Karrde: "Tell me about it."
Thrawn: "Well you've arrived just in time."
Mara: "We have a very important mission, suited exactly for you."
Karrde: "Geez, I just got here, can't I settle in first?"
Luke: "This mission is vital."
Thrawn: "Listen to our plan, I think you'll agree that it is very important you go as soon as possible."
(Karrde listens to the plan set forth by Thrawn, Luke, and Mara.)
Karrde: "You're right! I do need to go. Immediately."
Luke: "Take Wedge and Mirax with you just in case."

Out in a desert, on a planet 70% water, our heros walk up to a modest looking house. Wedge and Mirax scout the perimeter while Karrde goes to the front door and knocks.
MAS: "Talon, I mean Ti... I mean, Your Eminence. What brings you to my neck of the desert?"
Karrde: "We really need to talk, can we go in?"
MAS: "Sure, what can I get you?"
Karrde: "Nothing right now."
MAS: "Tell me, what brings you out out this far?"
Karrde: "First, you can drop those KJA-isms of repeating lines from the movies."
MAS: "Sorry."
Karrde: "Second, don't implicate me in your mistakes and webs of deceit."
MAS: "What are you talking about?"
Karrde: "That chat, you said you talked to me about Noghri names."
MAS: "So... I did talk to you."
Karrde: "Yeah, but I gave you 3 good names! You messed around with 2 of them."
MAS: "But I just interchanged two letters! They're still pronounced the same; that's what's important. Pronunciation. Did you like my addition?"
Karrde: "Must kill. How freaking obvious. Subtlety is not your strength."
MAS: "And You wanna buy her is any different?"
Karrde: "Yeah, it was cute, yours was just lame."

Karrde: "Finally, don't take your frustrations with Del Rey out on the fans."
MAS: "What do you mean?"
Karrde: "You're just pissed because Del Rey hasn't treated you like royalty or invited you back to the party."
MAS: "Yeah! You bet I'm pissed! I helped design the NJO. I should've gotten at least a hardcover! Or more paperbacks."
Karrde: "And you feel like the Overlords are pushing you out."
MAS: "They've taken control and turned it into pablum."
Karrde: "Is that why you wrote your essay?"
MAS: "Yeah. I don't want fans to think I'm to blame."
Karrde: "And you're regretting it now aren't you?"
MAS: "Um, somewhat. I really wanna write more stories."
Karrde: "Burning a lot of bridges lately aren't you? "
MAS: "Yeah, the Chief Overlord said he was black-listing me."
Karrde: "Welcome to the club."
MAS: "It stinks."
Karrde: "You get used to it. At least it doesn't stink of someone's rear end."
MAS: "Elitist!"
Karrde: "First Star Wars, then BattleTech. Think you can make it on your own now?"
MAS: "Yeah, I do. But, the money isn't exactly rolling in so I need to mend some fences."
Karrde: "Is that why you lashed out at the fans? To suck up?"
MAS: "They were calling me a liar."
Karrde: "No they weren't."
MAS: "Yes, they were!"
Karrde: (smacks him pretty hard) "Only the Lackeys thought that. Are you a lackey too?"
MAS: "Hey!"
Karrde: "Tell me, Oh Mister-Always-Tell-The-Truth, if a woman you know asks you if she looks fat in her dress, do you tell her the truth?"
MAS: "Of course not."
Karrde: "And when you talk about VP and the process of the NJO, do you mention that {supply your own fantasy writer} was rejected as first choice for the kickoff book?"
MAS: "No, out of professional curtesy."
Karrde: "But you are retaining information aren't you?"
MAS: "Well, I guess so."
Karrde: "And do you tell everyone what you really think of Kevin Anderson?"
MAS: "Not in so many words."
Karrde: "Then, you're not telling the whole truth."
MAS: "But, I criticise big names like Clancy and Grisham publically."
Karrde: Thank you for the truth.
Deep within the bowels of DR headquarters...

DRO#2: "Sir, we just got a report from one of the lackeys."
CDRO: "What does it say?"
DRO#2: "It says that Kathy said on the forum that Jim and Mike are going to be hard acts to follow."
CDRO: "That is certainly true."
DRO#2: "But the lackeys said that leaving out RAS makes it seem like she's condoning the VP bashing."
CDRO: (in a panic) "Ohmygosh! How could I be so blind! We need to correct this immediately! Get her on the phone."


Out in Big Sky country, a phone is ringing in a house on the smokey range. The owner picks up the phone and says "Hello."
CDRO: "Tyers?"
KT: "Yes."
CDRO: "This is the Overlord. We need you to retract your post about Jim and Mike being tough acts to follow."
KT: "What's wrong with saying that? It's true."
CDRO: "But you left out Bob. People will think you are condoning the VP bashing."
KT: "That's not true. People will not think that."
CDRO: "The Extremist Cranks will."
KT: "They're just a harmless bunch."
CDRO: "Those people and their followers look for any reason to bash Bob and VP."
KT: "I really think you overestimate them."
CDRO: "Just edit the message. Or we'll program your implant to play 'Howard the Duck', and the worst out-of-tune jigs and reels we can find, in your brain for the next 48 hours."
KT: "I can't edit the message. Time has expired."
CDRO: "Darn those new message boards!"
CDRO: "Then post a clarification that you obviously forgot to mention Bob in your list."
KT: "But it will look forced, too politically correct. Like I was bad and am being punished for just being an enthusiastic fan."
CDRO: "No it won't."
KT: "But what about the other authors? Zahn and Allston are also tough acts to follow. Shouldn't I pay tribute to all the writers who came before me?"
CDRO: "No! You keep forgetting, we don't care about the Bantam authors who aren't writing NJO."
KT: (sarcastically) "Your grace and beneficence are a shinning beacon for all to emulate."
CDRO: "Just post that clarification."
KT: "You know what's going to happen next don't you?"
CDRO: "What's that?"

KT: "One of the Extremist Cranks will pick up on this second post and make an issue out of it."
*************************

<The Planet of Characters that Outlived Their Usefulness >

Lowie and Waroo are running away from LFCR (Lucasfilm Character Recruiters).
Lowie: Why us? They kill off the token non-human and now they are coming after us. (wailing) WHY???
Waroo: And why did they change my name? Waroo? JL has obviously done his homework, so why *Waroo*? Is it to churn up sordid old memories of "The Crystal Star" and Waru? I?ll be ostracized from the SW universe for this. There?s no way Luke will want me around to remind him of that embarrassing little episode.
Lowie: I wouldn?t worry about Luke. I heard that JL finally confirmed for the whole galaxy that he really did sleep with Anakah. There were still a stubborn few holding out against the truth. So I think the boy has bigger fish to fry ? or at least Mara does!

27.


The CDRO and LMM gather the Del Rey Flunkeys together to talk about the latest spin.

CDRO: "Listen up comrades. Reaction to Hero's Trial is overwhelmingly positive."
LMM: "It threatens to lessen our previous releases."
DRO#2: "Many, if not a majority of people, think Hero's Trial is the best book so far."
CDRO: "We need you to support our previous releases, especially Vector Prime, which is getting another drubbing by being the least favorite of the books of many."
DRF: (A flunkey is waving his hands in the back) "Did you get my email about Kathy not praising Bob along with Mike and Jim?"
CDRO: "Yes, we did. Thank you. We've taken care of the problem."
LMM: "We can't have authors straying from script."
CDRO: "Even the ones who are still cloaked."
LMM: "Once again, we've put together some phrases we need you to sprinkle about the message boards."


"All the authors have been great."
"The NJO is a great series so far. All the books are great."
"It is unfair to rank the books because they are part of a series."
"It is unfair to compare the books because each served a different purpose."
"I don't look upon the books as individuals, but part of a larger novel."
"All the cameos in Hero's Trial fit and didn't detract. In VP they would have detracted."
"What's good for Del Rey is good for the USA."
"Awesome."


LMM: "Be sure to drop these phrases in various threads."
CDRO: "And if an author drops by, be sure to suck-up to them."
LMM: "Get an acolyte-in-training to start a RAS Supporters Thread."
CDRO: "If a rabble rouser comes in, be sure to run them out."
LMM: "Start a thread that hints that Mara is going crazy."
CDRO: "We'll give you some major league backup."
LMM: "We're still getting too many requests for Zahn to write the NJO."
CDRO: "We need you to trash Zahn whenever the opportunity arises; call him "over-rated" and an "egomaniac"."
LMM: "We need people to trash him as much as possible so we aren't forced to give in to the fans demands and sign him."
CDRO: "And if you notice anyone else acting out-of-line, be sure to tattle to us."
All this week on Behind the Books, we take you behind the scenes to look at the early editing sessions for Vector Prime. A tale of debauchery, drug addiction,... Oops, wrong story. A story of unpreparedness, confusion, and ambivalence.

CDRO: "Okay folks. Here it is, the first draft, extensive outline of Vector Prime. Look it over carefully."
LMM: "I can't stress the importance here. We had to let go whats-his-name because his story outline for the first book of the NJO stank to the heavens."
CDRO: "Bob is one of our biggest writers here, and he is able to squeeze us into his writing schedule by churning out this cookie-cutter book for us."
LMM: "If this outline sux like the first one, then we'll have to delay the release of the NJO while we go through rewrites or search for a new author."
CDRO: "We don't want to look like novices here, so delaying the release is not an option."
LMM: "As a near-holiday release, this is most definitely not an option. We need Christmas sales to boost our sales figures."
CDRO "Okay, we'll meet back here in 5 days to compare notes."

(One of the editors shakes her head, mumbling under her breath "but I am not up-to-speed on Star Wars, how am I supposed to know how it fits the universe?")

Editor Clueless: (to herself) "Wow, this outline is pretty good. Nasty bad guys, biological weapons, sword fights, fancy flying, 2 big battles. Just like his usual stuff. Looks good to me."
Editor Pyscho: "Oh, cool. Death and disease. Carnage and gore. Who could ask for anything more?"
Newly hired DR Editor, who's really into SW: (taking notes) "Oh, this outline stinks. Mara's got a disease; did she contact Cilghal? Playing sabacc is so overdone. Lando is running yet another mining operation. Chewie's death was lame. The shieldships were totally misused...."
Editor Slipshod: "I think this works for me."

Five days later everyone gathers together to compare notes.
Editor Baffled: "So, what did everyone think?"
(Lots of good's can be heard around the table.)
Editor Psycho: "I loved it. The bad guys were just so cool and original."
(There is a snort at one end of the table.)
Editor Clueless: "I thought is was as good as his other work."
Editor Kost: "It'll do the job."
Editor Slipshod: "It looked okay to me."
Editor Baffled: "Just okay?"
Editor Geeky Newbie: (holding back his real opinion a little) "It has promise, but I've got issues."
Baffled: "Such as?"
Geeky: "Well first there's Mara's disease. Did she contact Cilghal?"
Clueless: "Who's Cilghal?"
Geeky: "She's a Jedi with special healing powers."
Baffled: "A Bantam character? (Geeky nods) "We can't have too much of that."
Pyscho: "Yeah, too many young Menace fans will get lost."
Kost: "Why don't we just have them say something like the best doctors saw her?"
Geeky: "But that is too vague."
Baffled: "Vague, shmage. The young Menace fans won't know the difference."
Pycho: "Yeah, they didn't recognize that Menace was a derivation of ANH."
Geeky: "But longtime readers will question it, they'll expect to see old familair characters."
Clueless: "You know the kid may have a point. I missed seeing Spock in the outline. Oh, wait this is the New Jedi Order so I guess I missed Data, or is it the Hologram Doctor."
Baffled: "What are you talking about?"
Clueless: "I've got an idea. Hey kid, who was the doctor who replaced McCoy?"
Geeky: "Doctor Crusher, but...." (he's cut off)
Clueless: "No, no, the hologram."
Geeky: "He doesn't have a name, just The Doctor. But..." (cut off again)
Clueless: "Really, I thought it was something -man."
Geeky: "You mean Zimmerman. But..." (you get the picture)
Clueless: "Yeah, why don't we say that Doctor Zimmerman was consulted and is off studying the disease for Marla."
Geeky: "It's Mara, and this is Star Wars, not Star Trek."
Clueless: "Really?"
Slipshod: "The kid's right; wrong universe."
Baffled: "I have a grand idea. Why don't we just say 'the best doctors were of no help', and leave it at that. Next item?"

Geeky: "Playing sabacc is so lame and overdone, you should have Danni play Holochess or holo trapeze artists from the 1978 Holiday Special instead.
Slipshod: Splendid idea!

29.
The third and final installment of the editing sessions of the first draft outline of Vector Prime, on Behind the Books.

Geeky: "These Pong seem one-dimensional and unoriginal."
Psycho: (incredulous) "What?!? I thought they were the most original villians I've ever read about."
Geeky: "They are a cross between the bugs in Starship Troopers and the bad guys in GI Joe The Movie."
Clueless: "Hey, Starship Troopers was a cool movie. No wonder I recognized the villans."
Psycho: "What, are you crazy."
Baffled: "Listen kid, there aren't any more original villians, people just create new ones based on combinations of old ones."
Geeky: (muttering loudly) "Because they are too lazy or pressed for time to come up with something on their own."
Psycho: "Watch your mouth kid, or you gonna find yourself floating home."
Geeky: "Oh, that was real original. Is that the best you can do you failed-hack-living-vicariously-through-the-words-of-others?"
Psycho: (starting to get up from his chair and lunge at Geeky) "Why I aughtta...."
Slipshod: (gets up to restrain Psyc) "Now, now, boys, calm down. Psyc, stop picking on the kid. (Psych leaves the room to cool down.) And kid, don't provoke Psyc, he's read so many fantasy books he's become unbalanced."
Baffled: "There's a suggestion here to make the Pong to be totally bio-based. I think that's a good idea."
(Others around the table answer in the affirmative.)
Geeky: "I do too, but I have reservations."
Slipshod: "Such as?"
Geeky: "Just looking at the plans for Bilkdafans and Stimpydoll, I fear that a biologic superweapon arms race will break out among the authors."
Slipshod: "Well as the editors, it's our job to make sure that doesn't happen."
Baffled: "Well, the planning committee came up with the Pong, let's just see what the first full draft looks like to see if he expands the Pong well enough."
Geeky: "Okay, agreed. The same for Chewie. This moon business sounds rather hokey as the means for Chewie's death."
Psycho: (who just came back in the room) "You just can't give it a rest, huh, kid? I suppose you want the Wook to die of a blaster wound?"
Geeky: "No, that would be lamer than lame."
Psycho: "Well how would you do it so that he saves thousands, including Ani, and leaves Han helpless?"
Geeky: "I am sure there would be a way for Chewie to rescue Anakin, leaving Han helpless and have Chewie go down fighting hand to hand against overwhelming odds."
Psycho: "What about saving all the people."
Geeky: "Oh, please, like Chewie was doing that single handed. That's just a silly excuse. But I am willing to wait for the first manuscript to see how he does it."

Baffled: "Do you have any other objections kid?"
Geeky: "Just a few more. The shieldships used at the end aren't designed to reflect energy."
Baffled: "So, they are now."
Geeky: "But that isn't the way Zahn introduced them. And the way they were explained in the Essential Guide that you edited."
Baffled: "So, I don't care. You think I knew anything when I was editing that. All I did was check for spelling and grammer mistakes."
Geeky: "Wonderful. But aren't you worried about contradicting Zahn's descriptions of the shieldships."
Baffled: "There's that name again. And no I am not worried. I am on a mission to invalidate or retcon all of Zahn's stuff. He did it to my favorite writer, so now I'm doing it to him."
Geeky: "Who would your favorite writer be?"
Baffled: "Kevin J Anderson, of course."
Geeky: "So much for the Force-bond Zahn established between Luke and Mara. I'll bet you're going to ignore that too, even though readers will ask about it."
Baffled: "Now you are catching on. Anything more?"

Geeky just shakes his head as he realizes it is a lost cause to object anymore. These people are too worried about getting things out by the publish date than they are about quality and continuity of characters from the old line to the new line. He plan begins to take shape in his mind. And on a brighter note, Geeky realizes that Stackpole is writing the next three books and he can set things back to normal.  

31.  
LMM#1 ("Bob") Human male. Age 32. Hometown; Goshen, Indiana. Weapon; ability to bore to Olympic medal standards. Vehicle; see below. Greatest weakness; no depth perception (visual). Current assignment; inspecting American Graffiti model cars.

LMM#2 ("Hoppy") Human female. Age 29 (for the past 16 yrs.) Hometown; Alderaan, New York (don't look for it on any map; they don't call NY the "Empire State" for nothin'.) Weapon; simple chronic halitosis. Vehicle; LFL-supplied dogsled. Greatest weakness; no depth perception (literary). Current assignment; "The Seventh Tower"

Tahiri/Milla; Human female. Age 13. Homeworld; Tatooine. Since the end of JJK she's been shunted around the LFL empire like a hot potato (no one can stand to be around her more than a few minutes). As Milla, she must be a girl of few words. That'll be the day....

Tal; Human male. Age 13. Has never left the Castle before, or maybe he has (if you've read this book you know what I mean). Raised to believe that he, as a (not 'the') Chosen, he is superior to anyone who casts a natural shadow (like Harry Potter.) Basically, he has everything fans find annoying about the Solo kids, turned up to 11.

Don Milagro; Human male. Age early 50s. Plays with toys and models all day, and gets paid for it. Based on a real person. Wouldn't you like his job?

What does everyone think? Will the failed LMMs and their new cohorts work here; or should they be banished to a new thread?

33.  


Meanwhile, in another galaxy, later that same day...
Bob the LMM is sitting in Don Milagro's office, waiting for further instructions and examining the built models on the office wall, picking up some of them as he does so. Don enters, and Bob drops a model which was both particularly rare and excruciatingly difficult to build.
"Your- that's ok, I'll probably be able to find anothre one on Ebay, someday- your boss has said you don't have to go to Tibet. Instead you'll be checking at the retail level, touring around to every Wal-Mart in the country.
"With the actual Milner coupe?", Bob asks, salivating.
"That's the other thing." Don hands Bob a set of car keys; curiously, they have "GM" on them.
Bob goes out into the parking lot; there, in all it's glory, is Milner's Deuce Coupe. Very solidly chained to a trailer. Pulled by an equally yellow, but much scruffier, 1979 Chevette.
*I wonder how Hoppy's doing?*


*I wonder how Bob's doing?*, thought Hoppy as Tahi- Mara- MILLA brought forward a boy who looked like a cross between Draco Malfoy and something that lived under a rock.
"Hi, I'm Hoppy from LFL," she said, holding out her hand.
"I am Tal Something-Something of the Chosen. I do not shake hands with Underfolk. Or LMMs." Tal said, flatly. His shadowguard flipped Hoppy off.
*Well, this is just going swimmingly. They really did turn the bad parts of the Solo kids up to 11.*
"Be nice to me, kid or I'll blow up your implant!" Hoppy said.
"Hey, you can't do that! This is my hero journey; without me there's no story!"
"Do you know how easy it'd be for me to get Prince Ken, or Tash Arranda, or even one of DB's kids here, give him your ridiculous Sunstone, and tell everyone he's you!? Now get in the car!"
"Okay. But I call shotgun." Tal opened the door of Hoppy's gray Lumina, and-
"Wait a minute. Where'd this come from?" he said, pointing to the car, "There aren't supposed to be cars on this world!"
"The author's Australian. This is an American car. As long as there are no Australian cars around, we're safe," Hoppy said, obviuously straining to shut Tal up.
"Makes sense to me," he said as he got in. Milla got in back, Hoppy opened the driver's door and, after shooing Tal's shadowguard out of the driver's seat, started driving.



Episode I: The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side.


All the incarnations of Anakin Skywalker are sitting in their dressing room waiting for their next appearance in the NJO Humorous Thread.

Killer: So JF thinks I?m spooky, huh?
Vader: Well it obviously has something to do with the fact that when you tilt your head you really can see through one ear and out the other.
Padawan: Will you two stop it? What do you think you?re doing? Auditioning for Grump Old Men?
Vader: Boy, behold, *WE* are your future!
Padawan: Not if I can help it.
Vader: Ironically enough you do. YOU?RE the one who fell in that lava.
Padawan: At least I get lucky.
Vader: You?d be surprised how many people find this suit a turn on.
Padawan: Then of course they meet Killer.
Vader: Oh to be young and naïve again! Boy, you exist in the SW universe for two, and I do mean TWO, sole reasons: (a) to have kids; and (b) to fall in that lava pit.
Padawan: Not true!
Vader: Horny and clumsy are the two words that best sum you up.

Saint (The forgiven spirit of Anakin Skywalker at the end of ROTJ): Don?t worry, my child. It will all end eventually. Then you will become me!
Padawan: (sarcastically) Now there?s a *really* appealing option. No thanks, I?d rather have fun while I have the chance.
Vader: (muttering to himself) Which won?t be for much longer.
Killer: I can?t believe I?m saying this but the kid has a point.

(Saint, Vader, and Padawan all stare at him in astonishment)

Killer: Come on. The boy is clearly being used as a scapegoat to epitomise the evils of sex and teenage marriage. If he had become a monk, would the rest of us be here now?
Saint: No, we?d be in an infinitely worse place. (Points to Ani who has been beaten unconscious by Vader and Killer during their run-in at the Ranch)

Everyone shudders.

Vader: (whispers to Padawan) Nice save.


Episode II: Life is like MacDonald?s, they both end up in the same place.


Padawan and Vader are fighting again.

Padawan: I am so prettier.
Vader: Maybe. But no one is selling copies of your helmet for obscene amounts of money.
Padawan: You just wait until Episode II comes out! All the girls will be drooling over me.
Vader: *GIRLS* being the operative term. Prepubescent, screaming fans, regardless of gender, are more trouble than they are worth. They?ll dump you like an oily rag the moment the next big thing comes along and then you?ll be left being stalked by some psycho who failed to be appropriately brainwashed by their peers.
Padawan: Now I know you?re just jealous. They won?t dump me. I?ve got *TWO* movies. I?m no flash-in-the-pan. In twenty years time I too will have my eternally youthful face plastered on EU books to entice fans.
Vader: Half the girls are going to hate you because you?re in Star Wars and it?s just not cool to be obsessed with a sci-fi character. A fair few won?t give a toss about you, because quite frankly, if they *are* going to fixate on a Backstreet Boy, they?ll go with one of the originals. And a large portion of the rest will loathe you because of what you?re going to do to Amidala.
Padawan: That madwoman had it coming.

Vader, Killer and Saint cower in fear.

Vader: You?re a braver man than I. You?ll pay for that comment later, I?ll wager.



Episode III: Men really are the movers and shakers of the galaxy


**(BTW, that is the ONLY time I will EVER say that!)**



Vader and Padawan are ? you guessed it ? fighting *again*.


Padawan: I?m going to tell Palpatine on you!
Vader: Good luck! Killer here sent him on a loooong trip.
Padawan: I?ll find him! Whatever makes you think you could take over, much less run, an entire galaxy? The Emperor won?t stand for this sort of treasonable behaviour.
Killer: I?m sure. A pity then that he has joined the Rebellion.
Padawan: WHAT????
Killer: Palpy *and* his clones have joined Thrawn?s fleet to do battle against profic.
Padawan: That?s my Palpy! He has recruited his most loyal minions to reclaim his empire.
Killer: No, actually *he* is working for Thrawn - as part of a dancing troupe.
Padawan: You?re not serious? He?s the most powerful Sith Lord in galactic history!
Vader: I?ll ignore that slight on my own abilities.
Padawan: Emperor Palpatine is *not* a slave dancer.
Killer: That?s true. He is doing it voluntarily. Apparently he has rediscovered his true passion in life.
Padawan: I don?t believe you!
Killer: Well, you know what they say about frustrated artists!
Padawan: It?s not true! Where is Thrawn if he is leading this fleet?
Killer: They?re lost in the Unknown Regions. The BDD galaxy was three dimensional, but the DR galaxy is only 2 dimensional, with a fraction of the planets. Right now, Thrawn?s fleet is trapped in that fold between the two pages, about three millimetres down. And of course, being a mostly male crew, no one will get out and ask for directions.
Padawan: (jumps up) We MUST to save Lord Palpatine! To the Jedimobile!

Padawan runs towards the dressing room door, but soon realises that no one else has moved.

Padawan: (nearly hysterical) COME ON!!! Palpatine is in trouble. We must save him.
Killer: He?s a Sith Lord, for crying out loud! If anyone needs saving, it?s Thrawn from Palpy?s chronically bad jokes.
Vader: (shudders in horror) And what about his singing?
Padawan: I *DON?T* believe you!
Vader: Fine! Be that way. You?ll find out soon enough. Besides, don?t you think you?re being overly optimistic thinking you can actually run off to save Palpy? I seriously doubt Amidala is finished with you yet.

It is Padawan?s turn to shudder in horror.

Padawan: (grabs Vader by his shoulders) *Please* Don?t send me back there. That woman is a madman.
Saint: That should be mad *woman*.
Vader: I believe Amidala would say that the term madman would be more correct as a woman driven to insanity is generally done so by a man.

Everyone turns to stare at Padawan

Padawan: That?s not fair! We don?t even know what happens yet! You have to wait for Episodes II and III.


Episode IV: Death and Fashion ? Synonyms For Force Users.


Yep, still fighting ...

Padawan is trying to arrange his Jedi robes.


Padawan: @#$% I HATE these bloody robes!
Vader: That?s why I turned Sith. You can put on the uniform in under an hour. Except for that damn cloak. It?s always choking me.
Killer: Which is why I took off the helmet at the end of ROTJ. I was better off dead than enduring that constant stress over my wardrobe. When I joined the Jedi and Sith, I don?t recall signing any clauses specifying we had to dress up in these party clothes. Why bother? Is it an on-going trial to test our endurance, self-suffering and masochism, or an easy way to convert Jedi to the Dark Side?

Padawan: (still struggling to colour coordinate all the different layers) I think I *would* look kind of cool in black.
Vader: You mean you would have if you hadn?t fallen in that lava pit.
Padawan: It wasn?t my fault!
Vader: Oh really? Are you suggesting a JEDI pushed you?
Padawan: You?re the one who keeps going on about how attractive everyone finds you. So why are you constantly picking on me for not being hideously deformed?

Vader waves his hand at Killer who promptly sticks his head ? or what?s left of it ? in Padawan?s face.

Padawan cringes.

Vader: (speaking sweetly) And it gets even better than that, boy. You may get lucky, but you had better store those memories away for future use because that will be *all* that you ? and us - are ever getting.

Vader waves his hand at Killer again, but this time Killer isn?t having any of it. Instead he and Saint grab Vader from behind and give the old man a wedgy.



Episode V: The Jedi Strikes Back


Vader and Killer are back doing their favourite past time ? annoying Padawan. The evil duo are standing in front of the poor kid examining his face intently.


Vader: (Throws his hands up in the air in frustration) No, no, no, NO, *NO*! The scar on the left side of the face should begin a few centimetres perpendicular to the eye, travel diagonally down to the top of the cheekbone, before plunging horizontally to the jaw.
Killer: What?s wrong with the scar we currently have?
Vader: This one will give us a more dashing, debonair, and suave appearance.
Killer: You?re delusional! You know that, don?t you? We could look like Harrison Ford ten years ago and it still wouldn?t do us any good.
Vader: You?re such a "the helmet is half-empty" sort of person. If we?re going to be hideously scarred, we may as well do it in style.
Killer: Hang on a minute ...
Vader: If you really want. But I?m warning you, with this respirator, there?s no guarantee that I?ll survive.
Killer: We?re not in profic anymore.
Vader: Well DUH!
Killer: So Darth Genius, not only can we get plastic surgery, but also a serious bacta session to get our lungs fixed up. Bacta the miracle drug is the Star Wars equivalent of the Star Trek Transporter. There is no problem too great or too small it cannot fix.
Vader: Damn I?m good!
Killer: Hey! *I* was the one who thought of it!
Vader: You *are* me. Don?t quibble.


Saint interrupts Killer and Vader?s excited prattling.

Saint: You can?t get plastic surgery.
Killer and Vader: *WHY*??????
Saint: Because you?re evil.
Killer: I killed the Emperor.
Saint: But I was the one who was forgiven.
Killer: And what did it get you?
Vader: Yeah, what DID it get you?
Saint: Eternal salvation, inner peace and harmony, greater ...
Vader: (interrupting) So why are you here instead of sitting on some cloud with Oafy-Wan and Yodel?
Saint: (Suddenly gets uneasy) Well, it was out of concern for my significant others.
Vader: Sure it was.
Killer: I though Jedi didn?t lie.


Saint is getting *very* uncomfortable as he is unable to provide a satisfactory explanation.


Padawan sneaks up behind Saint and pulls a scroll out of his back robe pocket. He unwinds the scroll with a flourish to reveal the following:


**************************************************
Jedi Rehabilitation Council for the Reformation of Jedi turned Sith turned Jedi.

The following tasks must be completed before full reinstatement to the Jedi Order is permitted:

(a) Write out ten thousand times: "Fear, anger, aggression ? the dark side of the Force are they"

(b) Read "Proper Force Using: Old Theories, New Truths", by Darth Edaj Aram.

(c) Kill Mara Jade. *It is the only way.*

**************************************************


The LMM and CDRO have just gotten back from Del Rey's warehouse and are currently discussing possible ways out of a serious problem they've discovered.

LMM: "Can you believe those stacks of Vector Prime paperbacks still in your warehouse?"
CDRO: "Paperbacks, didn't you see all those VP hardcovers still in the corner?!"
LMM: "Yeah, I noticed. The question is, what are we going to do about it?"
CDRO: "Well, we gotta do something fast. Those books are just sitting around gathering dust ..."
LMM: "... and moisture, mold, mildew, rat feces ..."
CDRO: (wistfully) "I really thought that Vector Prime would sell as well as Zahn's original trilogy."
LMM: "Is THAT why you printed way so many books?"
CDRO: "Hey, I printed that many because YOU promised huge sales in reaction to your massive marketing plan."
LMM: "I guess many of the Zzzzit fans don't care about Star Wars at all and didn't even bother to buy the book even though their favorite author wrote it. Besides, we hyped it enough, didn't we?"
CDRO: "Oh, it's all Darkly's fault! He's the one who e-mailed me requesting we get RAS to kick off this half-baked series."
LMM: "You're not suggesting we should have picked someone the majority of the readers requested, are you?"
CDRO: (incredulously) "Are you kidding? RAS was the only writer with a known name who could've churned out a book so fast. Besides, the readers will like who we TELL them to like."
LMM: "Yeah, that worked well ... and your cluttered warehouse PROVES it. It's bad enough that we're gonna have to dump all those VP hardcovers in the bargain bins, but now we've got a glut of paperbacks that aren't selling, this is intolerable."
CDRO:"I know, I know, but we've already been giving some away at the conventions."
LMM:"Um, won't the 'conners think that is odd?"
CDRO:"Naw. Nobody questions free stuff."
LMM: "OK, but did you see the SIZE of that pile? We've got enough books for a THOUSAND conventions. We need another plan."
CDRO: "Yeah, I know. I have to make room for all of Brooks' "Shannara" books that we're reissuing."
LMM: "How's that going?"
CDRO: "Things are selling well enough. Mostly to young Menace fans. The adult readers aren't interested though."
LMM: "So, you're pleased that assigning him the TPM novelization brought in more readers to his other books."
CDRO: "Mildly so, but I want more, more, more!"
LMM: "Maybe assigning RAS the EP2 novelization will have the same effect."
CDRO:"I'm hoping. We need a way to get more people hooked on the NJO so they'll buy the next 20 books we have coming out. We've got another 4 years of this junk planned and I'm not ready to retire yet. (Pauses) Hey, what about strong-arming the retailers into accepting the books if they want some of our better titles?"
LMM: "Nope, Da Boss likes to save strong-arming for movie ticket prices, the length of time theaters are forced to play his movies, video and DVD sales ... you know, things that actually MATTER to him. It helps feed his god-complex when he gets personally involved and he'd never get involved with promoting the books.
CDRO:"Hmmm ... I suppose we can make deals with the chainstores. You know, give them really cut-rate deals, maybe half our usual price. Then let THEM worry about warehousing the excess books and how to get rid of them."
LMM:"Exactly, shift the burden down the line."
CDRO: "Then, once the stores have the books, we can send Darkly Preposterous and his apostles out to each location so they can place VP in high-profile locations like the 'new releases' sections. Maybe the dimbulbs that actually read this stuff will be fooled into buying another copy?"
LMM: "Brilliant, I wish I had thought of that! Even if the stores refuse to order more copies of the book we can use them as filler material in upcoming shipments. Once the stores have them on site, it'll be up to our stooges and their nerdy cohorts to make sure they get top-shelf exposure."
CDRO: "Sounds like a plan. I have some calls to make ..."

And with that, the CDRO shuffled off to his office to put the scheme in to action.  Wal-Mart
Power Cable, Nebraska
7:35 AM
Bob the LMM, who incidentally bears no resemblance to any living human, pulls up in front of the store in his Chevette/Milner coupe rig. He then goes inside and emerges a second later with an armload of model '32 Fords. Behind him, the Wal-Mart Greeter runs, huffing
"HEY!!-wheeze- Just wait-wheeze- a minute! What-wheeze- are you doing- wheeze- with those?
Bob replies; "I'm from LFL quality control. I'm here to check 'em against the real thing."
WMG- "Not until-wheeze- the manager-wheeze- gets here!
As Bob gets back into the Chevette tow car, the WMG lights a cigarette, then a second one (to smoke while holding the first one). She throws the match over her shoulder. It lands in the (real) Milner coupe, setting the upholstery on fire as Bob drives away, oblivious.
**************************

E-Z Rest Motel
Somewhere on the Dark World
Noon (or is it midnight? Who can tell?)

Hoppy was attempting to channel-surf, without much success; the TV was just a big Sunstone in a woodgrain-plastic box. Tal and Mar- Tah-, oh, the GIRL were off doing... whatever they were supposed to be doing, in the Castle- Hoppy had tuned out when the words "crazy uncle", "sewers" and "giant,garbage-eating spiders" were mentioned- while the Scholastic Overlord assigned to this project was doing his laundry in the next room. All the other rooms in the motel were empty. Really, who'd want to visit this place?

SO (entering) Hey, Hoppy, want to get a pizza?
HOPPY (bolting upright) Pizza? Here? On the Dark World? How do they grow the ingredients?
SO- What?
HOPPY- Well, let's review. One. No light reaches the ground. Two. The Icecharlies or whatever have no agriculture whatsoever-they live entirely off those giant seal things.
SO- Icecarls and Selski; speaking of names, why do you have one and I don't?
HOPPY- Ahem. Three. The Chosen have all the light BUT they don't do any work; the Underfolk do all their dirty work but they do it in darkness. Four. We know they have baked goods in the Castle- and since you mentioned names, have you ever seen so much we-cant-think-of-a-good-name-so-let's-just-capitalize-a-common-noun? - anyway, where does the grain come from?
SO- I don't KNOW! I just want to get this series running smoothly so I can get reassigned to "Harry Potter"!
HOPPY- And I to NJO. Now, about that pizza...
**************

I-13
Power Cable, Nebraska
8:00 AM

As Bob looked at the smoldering, waterlogged remains of the one-and-only, original Milner Coupe that even still, the firefighters were going over, he could only wonder whether those rumors of Da Boss and Force lightning were true...
**************

Meadow Carmella-Tony's House Of Authentic Italian-Chosen Cuisine
Castle of Light
The Dark World
Just after the lunch rush

*The only thing I don't like about this planet*, thought Hoppy, *Is everything. Except this pizza.*
If you, Gentle Reader (and the singular is probably accurate, if not optimistic, at this point), have ever had really, really, REALLY good pizza, you'll know what Hoppy's going through.
But it's 1:08 AM and I hardly know my own name. So I'll let Hoppy and the SO enjoy their meal. Considering what's coming up for them, they'd best bring a doggie bag...
 

35.


Episode VI: He had it coming.


The interrogation of Saint regarding his mysterious reappearance and more importantly his reconstruction continues.


Vader: (pointing at Padawan) After everything that little snot did, how did you manage to cut yourself such a sweet deal? Yoda and Obi-Wan look exactly as they did when they died and you get a full facial and lung reconstruction.

Padawan: Hey! All I did was go darkside. You?re the one who did all those naughty things for Palpy.

Vader: What things? Name me one truly evil act that BDD or DR have ever had the guts to attribute to me? Out of sight, out of mind. I may have wiped out the Jedi, but it all happened off screen. Moreover, Episode I showed that the Jedi deserved what happened. As far as LF is concerned I?m just another poor, misunderstand boy from the wrong side of the Rim who was pushed over to the Dark Side by a woman.

Padawan: (pointing at Saint) And then you become *him*. A badly disguised Christian allegory showing that no matter how badly you behave in life, a quickie conversion right before you cark it will spare you from eternal damnation.

Killer: Odd how in a galaxy so far, far away, the afterlife ? which is apparently only available to Jedi - so closely resembles that presented in a certain over-hyped book.

Saint: As a Jedi, your underhanded insults do not bother me

Killer: Then tell me, however did you manage to gain 20 kilograms *after* dying?


Episode VII: Death Eaters, Sith and other mysteries.


As Saint is impervious to the taunts of his former selves, Vader has decided a different approach is in order.


Saint is reciting the Jedi Code:

Peace over anger.
Honor over hate.
Strength over Fear.


Vader: You know, I think the old boy is technically in breech of copyright.

Killer: Why?

Vader: Well, that is the *Scholastic* Jedi code. And since Saint made his sole appearance in the EU in the BDD series, he should be using their code.

Killer: Which is?

Vader:
There is no emotion; there is peace,
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
There is no death; there is the force

Killer: KJA?

Vader: Don?t worry. When DR decide to mention the Jedi code, I?m sure they?ll come up with a new one all of their own.

Padawan: You?re not nearly as smart as you like to pretend. Here you are whining about DR ignoring you when you are currently experiencing a rebirth over at Dark Horse.

Vader: Yeah, I know. But did you see that Death Star story? They made me scared of Tarkin! And then in that Dark Woman story not only did I have to kill an old woman, but she was half-naked when she was fighting against me! She was what - 60+ years old? That is *definitely* taking the fan boy obsession with naked women a step too far.

Padawan: Well, what about Scholastic?

Vader: Have you read the Jedi Apprentice books lately? Scholastic is so busy promoting Harry Potter, they?re ignoring the quality of it?s other publications.

Padawan: So what about trying out for Harry Potter. You know, make the transition out of Star Wars and become a "serious" character.

Vader: Like MAS?

Padawan: Yeah.

Vader: It?s not a bad idea. But don?t you think I would end up like KJA? Attaching myself to a previously successful series and slowly leeching the life out of it.

Padawan: I didn?t mean for you to be a writer, just an actor. That merely involves acting out the dribble, not creating it.

Vader: So what sort of roles have they got going?

Padawan: I think the chief villain in Harry Potter is perfect for you since he looks horrific and is diabolically evil.

Vader: Officially I?m offended. But I?m listening. . .

Padawan: He is the ultimate Dark Lord. His name is Palp... er... Voldemort... um... *He who can not be named!* He was sort of dead, but has recently come back to life.

Vader: Yuck! Palpatine in Dark Empire.

Padawan: He has lots of traitors, spies and turncoats working for him.

Vader: Palpatine in Episodes I, II, III, IV, V AND VI.

Padawan: He destroyed the parents of the hero.

Vader: Palpatine in Episodes IV *AND* II.

Padawan: And is about to give the hero a hell of a beating.

Vader: We are talking about a different Universe aren?t we?

Padawan: (checks his notes) I?ll get back to you.

37.
Meanwhile, back at the Ranch, the CDRO and LMMs are agonising over the latest in their ever-ending string of dilemmas.


LMM: We?re talking about an entire galaxy! An enormous, three-dimensional entity - height, width, and depth. And what is all this nonsense about cutting off hyperspace routes? GO AROUND!!!! Under! Above! Left! Right! ANYTHING!!!! It sounds terribly dramatic, cutting off the Empire, NR and Hapes from each other, but if you spend even a moment?s thought on the matter it is so shallow it is insulting. What sort of message is this sending out to our readers? That we think they?re witless morons, incapable of stringing a coherent thought together without our assistance?

CDRO: I should certainly hope so!

LMM: There are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of planets in the galaxy. Don?t you think this ?Take the galaxy a planet at a time? approach is a little comical. Even when the Pong overrun Coruscant, there are still going to be an infinite number of planets out there that won?t have been touched,

CDRO: LMM, you?re THINKING again! We?ve talked about this before. You?re supposed to look at it from the fans? point of view.

LMM: But . . .

CDRO: No ?buts?. I paid good money for this series and I?m not going to bog it down in reality. Now, moving on to more important matters . . .



Suddenly the doors (which bear an eerie resemblance to the gates in Jurassic Park) burst open and in the midst of a swirling cape parades the Dark Horse Dynamo (DHD).


CDRO: Oh no!

LMM: What does HE want?

CDRO: Probably to gloat as usually. It could be worse though. It could be the Scholastic Supremo.


Right on cue, the aforementioned Scholastic Supremo (SS) appears to the tune of the as-yet-unwritten Harry Potter movie theme.

CDRO grits his teeth and tries to rearrange his rather shabby suit.

LMM?s jaw is hanging open in awe and amazement.



Once the smoke dissipates from the destruction caused by their entrances, the DHD and SS quickly espy each other. With narrowed eyes the pair circle each other. DHD throws some Force Lightning at SS who immediately counters by jumping on his broomstick and covering himself in the Cloak of Invisibility.


After several minutes CDRO becomes bored with watching SS torment DHD by repelling the Force Lighting AND ramming into him at unpredictable angles.


CDRO: STOP THIS AT ONCE!

SS: Why?

CDRO picks up a copy of *Goblet of Fire* and walks over to a conveniently positioned fireplace.

SS: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Think about what you?re doing! You?ll be depriving some poor child of a truly remarkable book.

CDRO: Serves them right. You shouldn?t have deliberately showed us up like that by making the book over twice as long as the previous three. It made us look like complete idiots for cancelling Siege and still producing a book full of plot holes.

SS: Well considering the pathetic size of our JA books, I don?t see what your problem is.

CDRO: A year ago people were complaining about the size of the JA books. Now they?re just complaining about the books themselves.

SS: So what? I make more money from one Harry Potter book than you have from the entire NJO.

CDRO: Have you stopped by merely to exchange insults, or was there something you wanted to say?

SS: I just dropped by to warn you . . .

CDRO: . . . that with no new HP book for at least a year, you?re in serious financial trouble - unless you rush through the paperback version of HP4?

SS: (glares at CDRO) I?m amused. Really. Here you are facing the most potentially devastating tragedy in the SWU and you don?t even know about it.

DHD: (pushes his way past SS) It doesn?t affect me.

SS: Of course not. You don?t have plots in your juvenile comics.

DHD: Nobody has ever complained.

SS: That?s because they?re too busy staring at the scantily clad women.

DHD: A tact that is so successful that the CDRO has used it on the BP cover.

SS: Stop gloating. The principal Temporal Character Magnet has created the holoporn character from the 1978 Holiday Special. Only old ho**y Wookiees are attracted to her.