3. Meanwhile, back at Skywalker's ranch (the one on Yavin 4) Luke was handing out the last couple assignments to Anakin and Corran-

"OK, Corran, you have two assignments. First is to hand Jysella off to Mirax to take back to Coruscant. She's too young to train."
"I thought Yoda trained from birth."
"Yeah, but he liked the taste of spit-up. Used to lick it up off his robes. I'm not that much of a redneck."
Corran walks away from the room to find his family, and Luke addresses himself to Anakin, who's tinkering with something suspiciously like the carburetor from a '79 Nova.
"What's my assignment, Unc-, I mean, Master?"
"You're going to Dantoontown with Mara Jade."
"Oh. You're sending me off with a babysitter."
"No, I'm sending you off as a babysitter. Five credits an hour, pizza in the freezer, and you can watch "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" on the targeting screen once you land."
"What about the X-Files?"
"Mara doesn't like it. Apparently she used to go out with Mulder, and-"
Anakin held his hand out,"More than that I don't want to know."
Just then, Corran walked in, "Okay, what's my next assignment?", he asked, looking down just slightly to Anakin's level. (Anakin, of course, was sitting down. On the floor. And still, Corran had to stand on tiptoes.)
"We're sending you someplace hot with lots of sand."
"Tatooine?"
"No."
"Arrakis?"
"No, and don't jump the story again."
"Not....Stackpole's back yard?"
"NO YOU IDIOT! WHAT KIND OF DETECTIVE-TRAINED JEDI ARE YOU?!!!!" Luke calmed himself before Corran and Anakin had a chance to dump a bucket of cold water on him,
"You're going to Bimm-meal."
"Sounds yummy. But aren't Bimms sentient?"
"THE PLANET BIMM-MEAL, YOU DOLT!! I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!!!!"
Corran turned to Anakin," What's gotten into him lately?"
"Well, ever since Aunt Mara got sick, she hasn't let him..." He whispered the rest in Corran's ear.
"What, no hot chocolate? I didn't know she was THAT cruel!"
"He has to go to McDonalds to get it. That anger is his burnt tongue talking." 

5.


 Obedient to her Peerless Leader, Leia is preparing to leave with Elegy...
Elegy: "So now we have to go off on a fact-finding mission. That's really stupid..."
Leia: "I know, but there's a reason I can't stay here..."
Elegy: "What's that...?"
Leia: (muttering) "Never mind, it's not important..."
Elegy: (sniffing the air suspiciously) "Um....I'm sorry..."
Leia: (sighing) "Don't be..." (raising her voice) "Han, don't you remember you promised to stay downwind...?"
Han: (standing in the doorway) "Oh, sorry..."
Leia: (irritated) "The stench is worse than ever. Couldn't you, just, you know, PRETEND you haven't had a shower in weeks...?"
Han: "You think I like I like wearing my last 159 meals? You think I enjoy smelling like a goat?"
Leia: "It has occurred to me..."
Han: "Well, I don't. This is my big "I'm-so-depressed" scene. Only got two pages to impress the fans. Gotta do the set-up for the Luceno books...."
Elegy: (with interest) "What books are those?"
Han: "You know, the ones that center on me. How I come out of my depression. How I acquire a new sidekick. How I become a pillar of Pong resistance. How I discover a cure for Mara's disease. How I disprove the ?Big-Bang' theory. You know, the usual completely predictable cliches..."
Elegy: "Oh, yeah. So, you're getting a new sidekick?"
Han: (listlessly) "Yeah."
Elegy: "Do you know who it is?"
Han: "No. Though I hope it's a gorgeous babe...that would be a nice change..."
Leia clears her throat ostentatiously...
Han suddenly remembers she's there. He gives her a weak smile.
Han: "Um, just joking, honey..."
Leia: "Doesn't matter. You smell so bad, a babe wouldn't come within a mile of you. Including me."
Han: (to Elegy) "Great helpmate, ain't she?"
Leia, grimacing, pulls Elegy out the front door and slams it.
Han: (to the empty air) "Gee, thanks, honey, for being so supportive..."
He slouches over to the bar and pours himself a triple. He drinks it rapidly.
A voice says: "Han, you'd better lay off that stuff or your liver will be doing personal appearances without you..."
Han looks up, unbelieving. He squints at the large pink Wookiee that has materialized beside him.
Han (to himself): "Oh great. The DTs...!!! Just what I needed!"
The Large Pink Wookiee: "It's not the DTs. I'm a Pookha."
Han: "A what?"
TLPW: "Sheesh. Haven't you ever seen the James Stewart movie "Harvey"?"
Han (pouring himself another triple) "Can't say that I have..."
TLPW: "Stewart plays a chronic drunk, whose only friend is a large pink rabbit named Harvey. Only he can see him and hear him..."
Han: "Your name is Harvey?"
TLPW: "No, stupid. I'm the spirit of Chewie. Since you're not a force-adept, this was the only way I could appear to you..."
Han: "Why are you here? To comfort me? To relieve me of my guilt? To get me to stop blaming my son for your death...?"
Chewie: "No. I'm here to haunt you, you moron."
Han: (slugging back the triple) "That's not funny, Chewie..."
Chewie: " Look, stupid, I don't blame you or Anakin for my death. We both know who's really responsible..."
Han: "And that is...?"
Chewie: "Give ya a hint. He's number one on the Forbes List of Disgustingly Overly Rich People, and determined to stay there..."
Han: "Oh, him..."
Chewie: Yeah, him. I love the way he killed me off for hype purposes..."
Han: "They said they wanted to be more realistic..."
Chewie: "Yeah, right. Then they immediately plan to replace me with some other cutesy sidekick. Very realistic, that is. Aren't you old enough to be out on your own?
Han: "I guess not..."
Chewie: "Not that my current state doesn't have its advantages..."
Han: "Such as?"
Chewie: "Well, for one thing, I don't have to babysit your boring brats anymore..."
Han: "True..."
Chewie: "And then again, I don't have to say any of Stackpole's dialogue....there are definitely times when death is preferable..."
Han: "Also true...whaddaya know about Luceno...?"
Chewie: "Nothing. Lots of the geeks say he's good, but then again, they said the same thing about RAS, and we all know how THAT turned out..."
Han: "  Jaina and Danae are about to have their big scene together in the book.

Danae: (perky) "Hi Jaina. How are you doing?"
Jaina: (snappishly) "Would you just get to the point Danae."
Danae: (suddenly pouty) "What's wrong with you? I just asked how you were doing?"
Jaina: (pleadingly) "Don't you get it yet Danae?"
Danae: (dumbfounded) "Get what?"
Jaina: "What you are here for."
Danae: "What do you mean?"
Jania: "Haven't you looked in the mirror since we rescued you?"
Danae: "No."
Jaina: "You haven't seen that brand on your forehead?"
Danae: (looks in a mirror) "What brand?"
Jaina: "The one that says 'Male fantasy plot device'..."
Danae: "No" (she can't really see it because she's not self-aware.)
Jaina: "Believe me, it's there."
Danae: "Whatever. If you say it's there, it's there."
Jaina: "So you really don't know why you are here?"
Danae: "I just stopped by to chat with you, that's all."
Jaina: "Yeah, that's how it's supposed to start off."
Danae: "Huh?"
Jaina: "This is where Stackpole wants to get into some character development."
Danae: "Huh?"
Jaina: "We start off idly chatting, then we seque into a typical teen angst moment."
Danae: "Teen angst. I think I had that single."
Jaina: (ignoring Danae) "We talk about how I want to escape the shadows of my parents and establish an identity of my own."
Danae: "Un, huh."
Jaina: "How I want to set myself apart from them and be something they aren't."
Danae: "So, what's this have to do with me?"
Jaina: "You are just here to facilitate the discussion."
Danae: "I like to talk."
Jaina: "You really don't get it do you. You are just a transparent plot device. You serve no purpose in this scene other than to develop my character. You are just an extra character who only serves to develop other characters, without getting any development yourself."
Danae: "Oh?"
Jaina: "What do you want to do now that we've rescued you? What do you want to do with your life?"
Danae: "I don't know. That hasn't been revealed to me yet."
Jaina: "You see. Even when you were a 'smart' scientist, you were just a plot device."
Danae: "How so?
Jaina: "First, you had to help show that Oldman Carr was a brutal, manipulative enemy."
Danae: "I see."
Jaina: "Then you were captured by the Yubyub Pong and declared worthy for no particular reason even though the Jedi you were with was not worthy."
Danae: "Go figure."
Jaina: "Then, there had to be a dangerous rescue for my brother and me, and someone for my brother to have a new crush on."
Danae: "Right. He's kinda cute."
Jaina: (rolls her eyes and sticks her finger in her mouth in a gagging gesture) "You see, you're just here to serve as a foil for us."
Danae: "Oh. I see." (she really doesn't see yet, remember, she's a blonde)
Jania: "Take heart. You get to show a glimmer of hope later, after a similarly painful conversation with Jacen."
Danae: (perky again) "Okay. Nice talking to you Jaina." (she walks off)
Jania: (muttering to herself) "I wonder when she's going to get a personality?"
 Next, we visit Gavin Darklighter, who is doing his thing, whatever that may be...Admiral Truest ***** enters Gavin's office....
Truest: "Hiya, Gavin..."
Gavin: (with a certain lack of enthusiasm) "Hi..."
Truest: "Whatcha doin'?"
Gavin: "Well, there should be a scene with my wife and kids, here, but Del Rey is trying to keep the page count down and the profits up...so I'm doing a cheesy memory montage instead..."
Truest: "Bummer..."
Gavin: (morosely) "You're tellin' me..."
Truest: "Do you know what my role in this book is? I've been trying to figure it out..."
Gavin: "That's easy...you're the token good Bothan..."
Truest: "Oh...I wondered. And you?"
Gavin: "I'm here to disapprove of Jaina Solo's elevation to Rouge Squadron...later of course, she gets to win me over and I become her greatest supporter, not to mention avuncular mentor..."
Truest: "Who says?"
Gavin: "We don't wanna miss any of the cliches, do we? I mean, we haven't so far."
Truest: "Of course not." 6.  At Han's insistence, the DROs have reluctantly agreed to open auditions for Han's new side-kick.
Editor: (wheedling) "Now, Han, I'm sure you'd like Jar Jar...just give it a try..."
Han: "And I'm sure I'm wouldn't. Go ahead..."
Editor: "Oh, alright..." He motions to the Announcer, who stands beside a runway. Han, Chewie's ghost, and the Editor form the audience...
Announcer: "First up, Scottie 2 Hottie..."
A guy with a blonde Don King coiffure saunters down the runway.
Announcer: "Flex your muscles, Scottie..."
Scottie flexes. Han looks bored.
Editor: (prodding him) "Now, Han, be nice...he brings to the party a year's supply of hair gel..."
Han grimaces. The Editor gives him A Look.
Han: "Oh, alright!!!"
He goes over to Scottie, and inspects him without enthusiasm.
Han: "Hi..."
Scottie looks puzzled.
Han: "Great. Say hello to him and he's stuck for an answer..."
S2H: (whining) "I need a script..."
Han: "Don't we all." He looks at the Editor and draws a finger over his neck. The Editor takes the hint.
Editor: "Thanks, Scottie, we'll call you..."
Scottie exits, still looking puzzled.
Announcer: "And for our next candidate, here she is...you all know her from "Tomb Raider"...the web-femme with the famous top rack..."
Lara Croft appears, wearing her trademark spandex Speedos and sleeveless top...
Han's chin takes .0000000000000000000000000005 milliseconds to hit the ground...
Han: "WOW!!!"
Announcer (amused): Well, whaddyeknow, our lead approves!"
Han: "YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!"
Editor: "Not so fast, Solo. We have to know if she can read lines..."
Han: "The dialogue in the NJO is so lame, who's gonna notice?"
Editor: (firmly) "She has to be able to act...(to the Announcer) "Release her from the web--we want to ask her some questions--maybe get her to do a scene or two..."
The Announcer releases Lara from ?Tomb Raider'. She instantly falls forward on her chest and is unable to rise. The combined efforts of Han, the Announcer and the Editor are futile--they can't budge her.
Editor: "Well, if she can't walk upright outside of the web, she's no good to us..."
Han: (desperately) "I don't care!!!"
Editor: (firmly) "Next!!!"
Han is wailing bitterly--
Chewie: (muttering) "You weren't this upset when I died, for cripessakes!!!"
Editor: (to the Announcer) "Now, who's next?"
Announcer: (squinting at his notes) "Some chick named Barb Wire..."
Han revives as if by magic...  7. Back on Yavin 4, Luke is still nursing his burnt tongue (that McDonald's hot chocolate, you know) while Jacen is being his usual objectionable self, irritating the hell out of his uncle, his brother, Corran, the standing army, the entire galaxy, and his fans from the YJK series--both of them--
Jacen: (whining) "I don't think I want any assignment at all!"
Corran: "I will now demonstrate how tactful I am by offering to leave..."
Luke: "I wish you wouldn't, ?cause then I wouldn't have to say lame-o things like ?Do stay.' What is this, Jane Austen?"
Corran: (shrugging) "Dunno. Why don't you beat the crap out of that stupid kid? He deserves it! The galaxy's in mortal danger and he wants to argue about philosophy!!!"
Luke: (sighing) "Gawd, I'd love to. No can do, however. Believe it or not, he's supposed to be a major character."
Corran: "You're kidding, right..?"
Luke: "I'm not. Why do you think the NJO is set six years after VOTF instead of immediately after it?"
Corran: "No clue..."
Luke: ""Cause the kids are older. Sole and only reason. Del Rey wants to do a ?Next Generation' bit..."
Corran: "What, with Wesley Crusher as an awful example?"
Luke: "Yeah, I know. And the joke is, they keep slamming Star Trek at every opportunity, even while they rip it off relentlessly..."
Jacen: (whining some more) "Don't mention that name!"
Luke and Corran finally agree on something: (in stereo) "Shut up!"
Corran: (to Luke) "We're being superseded by this sorry bunch?"
Luke: (to himself) "We?"
Corran: "How are they going to make these kids appealing? They start at the top and have every advantage, including the Force. That's not the classic Joseph Campbell heroic pattern..."
Luke: (annoyed) "I know that! So far the DROs haven't solved the problem..."
Jacen: (pouting) "Are you saying I'm not appealing?"
Luke: "Yes, Jacen."
Jacen: "That's an insult, right?"
Luke: (patiently) "That's right..."
Jacen: "Does the Force allow me to be offended...?"
Luke: "If you had a personality, Jacen, you could be offended. Since you don't, just belt up, would you?"
Jacen: (sulkily) "I wanna be a hermit!"
Corran (to Luke): "Let him. At least if he's alone, he can't bore anyone but himself to death..."
Luke: (sighing) "No such luck. The Del Rey Overlords have decreed that he has to bore multitudes throughout several books...they think the core audience is twelve years old and will identify with him, believe it or not...."
Corran: "He's too stupid even for that..."
Luke: "I'm not arguing with you. A first."
Corran: (hopefully) "Well, maybe we'll be lucky and he'll be the apprentice to bite it in "Balance Point"...
Luke: (to himself again) "We?"
Jacen: (to himself) "...I'd like a nice, clean grotto to live in...with daily maid service, of course...and with a pool of that primordial spring water nearby...if things get tough, I can always bottle it..."
Corran: (to Luke) "Look, the Editor's gone for a coffee. Now's our chance. I'll hold down one of his fingers while you beat the rest of him up..."
Luke: "And when I'm finished doing all the work, you'll take all the credit...?"
Corran: "Of course, unless it's unpopular."
Luke: "Oh...okay."
  

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 4:41 pm)

9.
 
 
Meanwhile, Mara Jade, having climbed to the camp Anakin had chosen for them on Dantoontown, was watching him stack boxes using the Force.
"You know, you really shouldn't use the Force for such trivial things, Anakin."
"I did it once using my own muscles, then broke camp and set it back up with the Force."
Mara puzzled at that one, "Why ever for?"
"For the same reason I took five cold showers a day on the trip here, Aunt Mara. You. You are the hottest woman in the EU, custom designed to give 15-year-old boys the hots, and we've spent the last four days in that little ship, alone, together- I need another cold shower!"
"I'm glad I've still got it, then" Yeesh, and I thought Jacen was the little hornball of the two! "Let's go for a hike."
"Great, but only if I walk ahead, Aunt Mara. Otherwise my lightsaber will get in the way"
"Your li-, oh. Oh, I understand." Mara said as she followed Anakin toward the Dantooni settlement.

The Dantooni, as it turns out, were busily tattooing themselves with Imperial symbols in an attempt to ward off evil spirits, and beat the Yubyub Pong at their own game (the All-Outer Rim Self-Mutilation Championships), when Mara and Anakin came up in the woods to spy on them. Anakin whispered to Mara, "I would never get a tattoo."
"I've got one. Look." Mara exposed her hind part, and by the technique of frantically stuffing ice cubes down his pants, Anakin could read;

The Original
MARA JADE
Instructions for copying ;
1. Choose red hair OR green eyes, NOT BOTH!
2. Choose TWO major personality traits.
3. Make at least one personality trait the EXACT OPPOSITE of this template.
4. Adjust for age and occupation of character e.g. make revoltingly evil if Imperial commander; make annoyingly chatty if little girl.
5.AUTHORS MUST NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS TEMPLATE!!! Creation of original female characters will result in loss of contract and your transmitter exploding.
Thank you
-Lucasfilm Licensing  Next stop, the yummy planet of Bim-meal (where do they come up with these names?) where Corran and Gunner have landed....
Corran: (to Gunner) "What are you doing?"
Gunner: "I'm trimming my beard..."
Corran: "The galaxy is being invaded by voracious evil aliens and you're trimming your beard? What's next? Going to paint your fingernails black ?n blue to match your robes? Get your nose pierced? Dye your hair pink?"
Gunner: "Look, it makes absolutely as much sense as us searching for lost scientists in the middle of said alien invasion..."
Corran: (reasonably) "If we don't travel to Bim-meal, we can't discover the egregious coincidence on which the plots turns. I mean, whaddaya want? Logic?".
Gunner: (suitably chastened) "Oh...of course not..."
Corran: "Then quit whining, already. What's next...? Why didn't we land closer to the scientific encampment?"
Gunner: "After the road trip, the action scene..."
Corran: (suspiciously) "The action scene?"
Gunner: (smiling) "Yeah."
Corran: "Okay, hotshot. Any life-forms around?"
Gunner: (airily) "Just small ones..."
Corran: "Okey-doke. Let's go."
Corran jumps out of the ship into the arms of a huge feral clawed predator...
Corran: (to Gunner) "This is small?"
Gunner: (casually) "Oops."
Huge Feral Clawed Predator: (to Corran) "Hold still, willya? I gotta scratch you without damaging the merchandise..."
Corran: (to HFCP): "And if you'll hold still, I'll just kill you with my lightsabre..."
HFCP: (sighing) "Just what I needed today, a short, middle-aged Jedi with an attitude..."