3. Some time earlier...

Shiddee Dai arrived in orbit around Poodubrillon, in his own special, souped-up, super-duper ship. He surveyed the planet with happy satisfaction. "This is what it feels like to be a God," he thought...
At this precise moment, he was surprised to encounter a small space station orbiting around the planet. The station issued a tractor beam and effortlessly pulled in the Pong's ship, much to his chagrin...
Once inside the station, Shiddee charged out of his ship, and nearly tripped over two Poodubrillonese, dressed in official-looking uniforms with ?Poodubrillon Customs and Immigration' on them.
First Poodubrillonese: "Name, please..."
SD: (indignantly) "Do you KNOW who you're talking to?"
FP: (impatiently) "Tell me your name, and I'll know."
SD: (abashed) "Um*...my name is Shiddee Dai..."
FP: "Spell that, please..."
SD: (obediently) "S-H-I-D-D-E-E D-A-I..."
FP: "What kind of name is that?"
SD: (apologetically) "Well, it sounds more alien than Trevor--that's my real name..."
FP (rolling his eyes): "No, I mean--where're you from?"
SD: "Out there somewhere."
FP: (writing this down) "Extra-galactic..."
Second Poodubrillonese: "Welcome to Poodubrillon! Population 25 million! See the sights! Spend your money! We love tourists!"
FP: (elbowing SP) "That's enough! We have to do our duty, first..." (to Shiddee) "Name of ship?"
SD: "?The Legacy of Torment...'"
FP: (deadpan) "Loved to have been a fly on the wall at THAT ship-naming ceremony...what was the runner-up name of choice? ?The Jeffrey Dahmer?'"
SD: "Say what?"
FP: "Never mind--profession?"
SD: "Genocide."
Second Poodubrillonese: (chattily) "I always say, genocide must be an awfully interesting way to make a living..."
FP: "No, no, I mean--what's your job description?"
SD: "Bone-cracking heavy..."
FP: "Okay. What are bringing into the system?"
SD: "The bones of my ancestors..."
FP: "Body parts require a permit..."
Shiddee is speechless; then he says--"Can I take five?"
FP: (suspiciously) "What for?"
SD: "Gotta go down to the planet's surface telepathically, so that we can have a little gratuitous violence, just in case the fans miss their video games..."
FP: "Well, okay, then. Makes sense to me. But five minutes ONLY."

**Insert mindlessly violent interlude HERE**

SD: "I'm back. That was the pain that refreshes..."
FP: "Whatever. Now I need your medical clearance"
SD: "Medical clearance?"
FP: "This ship appears to be composed of vegetable matter. It can't enter the system without a medical clearance..."
SD: "Okay, okay..."
FP: "Now, we'll have to inspect the ship..."
Shiddee shows the First and Second Poodubrillonese his ancestor's bones...
FP: "You'll definitely need a permit, that's all I can say...what's that?" (He points to appendages in the walls)...
SD: "This is my self-torture chamber..."
FP: "Self-torture? What's the point of that?"
SD: "Well, you gotta understand, we Pong can't have any explicit sex--they won't allow it. But the self-abuse, oops, I mean self-torture--is allowed. Everybody likes nice, clean sado- masochism...and the descriptions in the book are almost exactly like sex, but not enough to give us censor problems. Brilliant, wot?"
FP: (deadpan as ever): "Good thing these are for self-abuse--oh, excuse me, self-torture. If they were sex toys, you'd have to pay duty..."
At the end of the tour, the First Poodubrillonese turns to Shiddee--
FP: "Okay, you need a permit for the bones...a medical clearance...you have to pay a fee to enter the system...it's based on the size of your ship...that'll be 100,000 credits, please..."
SD: (sullenly) "I don't have a permit or a clearance..."
FP: (not missing a beat) "Then that'll be 200,000 credits. In cash, please..."
Sulkily, Shiddee pays up. As he takes off for the planet, he hears the Second Poodubrillonese say cheerily: "Enjoy your stay!" The First Poodubrillonese doesn't look up. He's still counting his money.

*See, Itrakh? It's catching... Meanwhile,

Any member of the New Republic at any time, but most specifically when encountering something bordering on evil or surprising:

*Um, Emperor Paalpy's Black Osteoporosis-laden Bones!

repeated a kajillion times.


* face/biggrin/face  

5. 
Leia is remembering her parting with Elegy.

Leia: "Elegy how could accept this fate?"
Elegy: "I have no choice."
Leia: "You know you're gonna die don't you."
Elegy: "Yes. But it's what I am here for."
Leia: "What are you talking about?"
Elegy: "Come on Leia, you can't be that dense."
Leia: "Elegy stop insulting me."
Elegy: "I have to go. My death will affect you and especially Corran. It will help your character development."
Leia: "And end yours."
Elegy: "The architects of the NJO are so devoid of plot ideas, they think that death is the only way to advance characters."
Leia: "That is so lame and stupid."
Elegy: "You're telling me."
Leia: "First Chewie, now you. Who's next?"
Elegy: "Jaina's squadron buddy dies."
Leia: "But we never knew her."
Elegy: "Then a Jedi just introduced bites it."
Leia: "Another Jedi?"
Elegy: "And this is only a paperback."
Leia: "What do you mean?"
Elegy: "The hardcovers are supposed to be the big events, so look for higher profile deaths after I am gone."
Leia: "Like who?"
Elegy: "The betting line says Lando goes, Jacen probably goes."
Leia: "Why? My family has suffered enough."
Elegy: "They gotta kill one of the kids to advance the character development of the two other kids."
Leia: "But why Jacen?"
Elegy: "Well, Anakin is serving as a balance to the new stuff they're putting out about your pop."
Leia: "Bail?"
Elegy: "Which Bail? Nevermind. No, your real father, Anakin."
Leia: "Oh, yeah, I forgot."
Elegy: "And they need a young female Jedi character, so that makes Jacen the odd kid out."
Leia: "Wonderful. Guess I should start preparing myself."
Elegy: "Luke's in for a rough time too."
Leia: "What does Mara die?"
Elegy: "Eventually. They are gonna cure her, then get her pregnant, then kill her off in childbirth and Luke will eventually hook up with Danae."
Leia: "What lameO came up with that idea?"
Elegy: "It doesn't matter. It just goes to show you the level of thought that is going into this storyline."
Leia: "Well, I am really going to miss you Elegy."
Elegy: "And I, you, Leia. Please tell Corran to grow a brain after I am gone."
Leia: "What do you mean?"
Elegy: "I was getting tired of being his moral compass. He needs to think for himself for a change."
Leia: "Okay. Bye Elegy."
Elegy: "So long Princess."



<Throws Thrawn's Ghost in who shimmers into view like the Jedi at the meeting just before the Battle For Ithor> (Ignore this, I just had to have him say this)

Thrawn's Ghost- I died to protect this galaxy and that Bothan is going to let the Vong destroy it by ignoring them! You *Points to Treast* should have rid your pathetic government of your cousin when he first showed no interest in the good of the Rebellion in favor of gaining power! And stop threatening to take the Fleet to the Unknown Regions and carving out an Empire. Its already taken. You, *glares daggers at Fel'lya* you, I dont know how you became Cheif of State but you had better step down or I'll haunt you for an eternity. You *slaps Jagged Fel in the back of the head* are a disgrace. Your father has taught you better manners when it comes to politicians. You *points to Pellaeon* get out of that uniform. You *glances in Luke Skywalkers direction* stop your whinning over the two factions among your Jedi and listen to your pupils. You may just learn something from them. You *points to Han Solo* stop grieving for your friend and avenge him. You *looks at Mara Jade* for crying out loud. Take this *hands her a vile* I really cant find anything wrong with you except for that disease. *turns to the Twi'lek Jedi that died* What were you thinking? A superweapon will not solve the Vong crisis! It will only make the problem worse. *he again glares at each and everyone one of the Imperials and Rebels, then stops at the Chiss pilots says a few words in Chiss and the Chiss look down in shame* Oh and one more thing, Jag. WE ARE NOT GRIM! And where the hell is Admiral Ackbar and General Bel Iblis! They should be the ones in command here! *is furious*


Jacen walked into the family living quarters on Core-u-skank, though he couldn't remember why he was there. His twin sister Jaina sat on the couch with one legged crossed over the other. She looked rather impatient as the dangling leg was rocking rather quickly. Over near the window, his younger brother Anakin was staring out the window. Jacen entered the room and approached his sister.

Jacen: "Hi Jainy, how are you doing?"
Jaina: "Well, I could be better, but... How are you?"
Jacen: "Oh, my usual self, but I can't figure out why I am here."
Jaina: "I know! I mean, I should be with the squadron drilling new recruits, but I am stuck here for some unknown reason."
Jacen: "What about you Ani? Do you know why we are here?"
Ani: "No, I don't."
Jacen: "What are you staring out the window for?"
Ani: "I have to get in my required brooding and feeling guilty over Chewie, so this seemed like as good a time as any."
Jacen: "Well, if no one knows why we are here, I say we blow this pop stand."
Jaina: "I am with ya!"
(Upstairs a voice booms "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.")
(Jacen and Jaina look at each other and mouth the word "Dad".)
Han: (runs out pulling on his shirt) "You guys are here so I can make my appearance in this book."
Ani: "Okay, you've appeared, now can we go?"
Han: "Don't you want to stay and toss back a few drinks with good ole Dad?"
Jaina: "Mom says alcohol is evil, Dad."
Jacen: "And that we shouldn't drink it."
Han: "Who said anything about alcohol?"
Ani: "Isn't that the impression you want to leave, that you are a drunken louse."
Han: "I am not a drunk."
Jacen: "Well, this writer sure wants us to think you are."
Ani: "If you are not a drunk then what's going on."
Han: "I've got to make a brief appearance just so readers know I am still broken up and not dealing well with the loss of Chewie."
Ani: "I know how you feel. This brooding bit bites big time. I mean, I've killed how many Pong and their slaves, I should be over this by now."
Han: "They have to drag it out until the next hardcover."
Jaina: "Until the next high profile death, then someone else gets to brood for a year."
Jacen: "Pretty soon, everyone's going to be brooding. At least we'll all have company."
Han: "Listen, I've kept you away from your real duties long enough. See you in a month or two."
All three: "So long Dad."

7.

 Dorkus Felt'ya is wandering about at loose ends since he is between his usual villainous cameos in NJO books, when whom should he encounter but the blandest blonde bimbo in the galaxy, the Mighty Aphrodite herself, Danae Twee...

Dorkus: "Hey, aren't you Leia's aide?"
Danae: (grimly) "Not anymore..."
Dorkus: "What happened?"
Danae: (grandly) "She and I had a falling out..."
Dorkus: (smirking) "Join the club. Why, exactly?"
Danae: "She's just jealous--"
Dorkus: "Jealous of what?
Danae moves in this strange spotlight that seems to follow her around, and grabs a handy microphone. She cradles it to her chest, and says: "She's jealous because..."
Dorkus: (encouragingly) "Because...?"
Danae: "Because...."
(Here Danae bursts into song--)

"Because I'm a blonde, I don't have to think.
I talk like a baby, and I [don't] pay for drinks. Never have to worry 'bout gettin['] a man--
[As long as I] keep this blond and I keep these tan,
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I see people working and it only makes me giggle 'Cause I don't have to work; I just have to jiggle--
I'm a blonde, B-L-O-N-D[-E]
I'm a blonde; don't you wish you were me?

I never learned to read, and I never learned to cook,
Why should I bother when I look like I look?
I know lots of people are smarter than me,
But I have this philosophy:
So what?
I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I see girls without dates, and I feel so sorry for 'em,
'Cause whenever I'm around, all the men ignore 'em,
'Cause I'm a blonde, nyah, nyah, nyah.
'Cause I'm a blonde, nyah, nyah, nyah.

They say that to make it, you need talent and ambition--
Well, I got a ?worthy' vote, and this was my audition:
Everybody else I know was killed by the Yubyub Pong...
But when they came to me, I just said, well, pardon my sarong--
[Duck], Smiko, [duck]!
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm a blonde; don't you wish you were me?
I just want to say that being chosen this month's Miss Yavin
Is, like, a compliment that I'll remember for as long as I can
The DROs have big plans for me, you needn't wonder why--
The brunettes are dull, the redhead's sick--
My apotheosis is nigh!
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Other girls think I'm snotty, and maybe it's true
With my hair and body, you would be too--
I'm a blonde, B-L- ...
I don't know!
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I'm a blonde, yeah, yeah, yeah!"

Dorkus: "I know that song--it's from "Earth Girls Are Easy."
Danae: "It sure is..."
Dorkus: "You don't suppose--that's why the Pong invaded? They think earth girls really ARE easy?"
Danae: "Definitely. I mean, why else?"
Dorkus: (walks away while shaking his head) "And I thought there was some really profound reason..."
Danae: (fluffing her hair) "Nahhhh. They just couldn't resist me..." 

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 5:05 pm)

9. 

 Red Rooster, hovering over Gucky

Contrary to Luke?s original pronouncement about Jedi not being warriors and participating in wars, he has inexplicably sent Corran, Gunner and Jacen into temporary gun-ho macho marine mode.

Gunner: Don?t you think making a covert incursion onto Gucky will annoy the Pong? There isn?t anyone important here so nothing much will happen to it. But if we go there, you can be sure there will be mass destruction.
Corran: (looking in a mirror, arranging his hair to cover his receding hairline) Yeah, yeah, whatever. It is the will of the Force. Do you think this outfit makes me look fat?
Gunner: (rolls his eyes) Pops, look at me. I?m the new pinup boy for the NJO. By the end of the series I?ll be set up with some gorgeous babe, and in the meantime I get to play the field. The chick from Onslaught is out of the picture and I?m getting set up with Danae Quee in Knightfall. You?re old and out-of-date. Don?t waste your time agonising over your appearance. It won?t make any difference.
Corran: (ignoring Gunner) Jacen, how old do you think I am?
Jacen: Are you kidding? Uncie Luke isn?t here anymore so I?m not going to waste my time sucking up to you, *OLD MAN*.
Corran runs into the fresher to reapply his makeup and toupee.

---
Elsewhere on the Red Rooster

Traest: Despite the fact the Farce ? umm, Force ? can?t be used on Pong, we are nevertheless sending three Jedi who didn?t even finish High School, are barely literate, and have no specialised training for these sort of activities, to Gucky.
Super-duper tough (human) spy guy (SDTSG): Why?
Traest: So we can so infuriate the Pong it will take them a whole month to reach Iffy. This will give us time to cover the events of Siege, and the chance to get rid of Corran. Besides, (picking a piece of fluff off SDTSG?s red shirt, you?re not scheduled for destruction until the end of Ruin.
SDTSG: Make?s sense to me.

----

Lost Hope ? on board the Red Rooster ? hovering above Gucky!

Jacen: The name of this ship doesn?t exactly inspire hope does it?
Gunner: It?s a rather pathetic reference to Episode IV: A New Hope, and the fact we are supposedly going to be killed in this thing. Think it?ll work?
Corran: Tut, tut. Such cynicism from one so young. The Pong know how to read Basic so when they find the wreckage and discover the name of this deceptively sturdy ship they?ll be fooled into thinking we were killed ? hence the name of the ship.
Jacen and Gunner just roll their eyes.
Jacen: Spell cynicism for me, Corran.
Corran: Um, S ? I ? N ? A - ... um, um ...... you?re both under arrest. You?ll crack under interrogation! You punks think you?re tougher than me - and better looking, and stronger, and so damn sexy...... (grabs Jacen) **Give me your body**. We?ll do a Star Trek mind swap thingy.

Jacen Force-pushes Corran against and ejects the Lost Hope out of the Red Rooster in the hope of killing Corran. Even if he got killed in the process ? which was impossible of course since he was obviously fated to be the deep-thinking Jedi Master and Council member of the Future ? the chance of *really* killing Corran was far too good an opportunity to pass up.
  Best Chance ? inside Lost Hope ? formerly aboard the Red Rooster hovering Gucky ? now hurtling towards Gucky

Gunner: Don?t you think this is taking the Trojan Horse concept one step too far?
Corran: What?s a horse?
Jacen: Who?s a Trojan?
Gunner: (rolls his eyes) Why have I been stuck with you clowns? A washed-up cop and the Master?s nephew? Where are all the other Jedi Knights? Surely, there is no need to send these bratty kids along on all the serious missions?
Jacen: Hey, I heard that!
Gunner: Not suprising since you?re sitting right next to me.
Jacen: Are you suggesting Uncie Luke is playing favorites by sending me on such a dangerous mission instead of all the fully trained Jedi who are just sitting around waiting for the battle at Iffy?
Gunner: Yes. It?s either that or he wants to kill you as well as Corran.
Corran: (starting to get *really* paranoid) Who?s trying to kill me? Why? (Frantically tugs on his toupee and sucks in his beer belly) I?m not old. I?m in my prime. There isn?t a Jedi alive who could match me. *That?s* why you two have been sent. To benefit from my superior wisdom and knowledge.
Jacen: Well it certainly wasn?t to learn TK from you. How badly did you fail that class? I thought it was mandatory for becoming an apprentice.
Gunner: Unless of course you?re the Master?s nephew, in which case you can pretty much do what you choose and you?re still guaranteed to become a Jedi Master in record time.
Corran: I don?t need TK. I got exceptionally high marks on beauty skills and personal hygiene maintenance. All women, and no small number of men, fall down and grovel at my feet when I approach. Don?t deny you feel my magnetic pull.

Gunner and Jacen are highly amused.

Gunner: When was the last time you took that test pops? All Jedi are required to be retested for an appropriately high level of sexiness (LoS) every year. We (nods at Jacen) have passed ours and received exceptionally high marks, hence we are on the main mission in this story. Do you see some ugly alien ? oops, sorry ? *non-human*, running this show? Even Luke and Mara, the middle aged couple who are obliged to make an appearance, have been sent on a pointless side trip that will largely be covered in Siege and thus will seem pointless and inexplicable to readers.

---

Meanwhile, Jaina is flying around the Lost Hope determined to blow up the ship.

Jaina: Out of my way you non-Force sensitive freaks. I need to destroy that ship! The future of the galaxy depends on it!

Gavin: <Yawn> When doesn?t it?

Rogue Squadron 12: Now Jaina, we need to think of an appropriately cheesy nickname for you so we can integrate you into our elite-fighting unit as quickly as possible. You will become a nameless, faceless member of the military. This is important as no one cares when a stranger get killed (switches off intercom) - and we *really* need to kill you.

Jaina: Wow! I can?t believe Force-blind people can fly ships. That?s so wizard! Maybe I could try to teach you how to read. It?s really quite simple. Well for a Jedi of course. But perhaps one or two of you could pick it up.....

Jaina flies up to the Lost Hope in a series of incomprehensible maneuvers recycled from the last umpteenth number of EU novels and released all her torpedoes.

The Lost Hope is destroyed.

Jaina: Yippeeee!!!!!!!!!

All of Rogue Squadron simultaneously shudder and release all of *their* torpedoes at her in a desperate attempt to permanently rid the galaxy of all Force using, yippee yelling pilots.

The Forces that be miraculously destroy all the torpedoes since Jaina has to survive at least until her solo novel (no pun intended!).

The Best Chance escapes Jaina?s torpedoes and flies down to Gucky.

Jaina: $@#% *&^% @&$$!

Jacen pulls down his pants and presses his naked butt up against the rear window of the Best Chance. Corran immediately goes into hysterics when he catches sight of Jacen?s, er... little friend, and runs to the communications system to call his plastic surge Four months after Chewbacca?s death, Rogue Squadron decides to do some sightseeing at Serpindal.

Gavin: Do you have a problem going to Serpindal, Jaina?
Jaina: Why would I? It?s another asteroid belt where I can set a new record.
Gavin: What about... well you know, your friend Chewbacca?
Jaina: Who? Oh! HIM. Well he?s not mentioned in this chapter so it?s quite ok.
Gavin: Just checking.

Asyr strolls past but is screened from Gavin?s view by a large screen labeled "SEIGE".

------
Serpindal

Gavin: Emperor's Black Osteoporosis-laden Bones!**

The Pong?s big, bad naughty planet-killing machine* is twice as big as all the KJA big, bad naughty planet-killing machines, indestructible (just like the Suncrusher), and worst of all has no thermal exhaust port.

Gavin: Someone wiser than me will have to figure this out.
Jaina: oooo, ooo, let me, let me!!!!
Gavin: Jaina, being a Jedi and therefore an inherently superior being compared to the rest of us poor fools, why don?t you emulate your uncle and go destroy that thing?
Jaina: But I don?t want to follow in my family?s footsteps.
Gavin: But Luke is a Jedi.
Jaina: Oh that?s right. OK, I?m going in! Cover me.

The entire squadron immediately flees the system.

Jaina: Force-blind fools! I?ll show them.

Jaina is immediately trapped by a Pong really, super duper strong force beam for ships.

Pain Patrol Goon 1: Jaina Solo. You are not supposed to be here.
Jaina: How do you know my name?
PPG1: It?s painted on the side of your ship along with your picture, personal details, override codes for your ship and a HUGE reward for your death.
Jaina: Oh, that. I?m a Jedi, you can?t kill me. I am going to destroy your big, bad naughty planet-killing machine.
PPG1: You can?t.
Jaina: There?s no such word as "can?t"
PPG1: Your little brother is supposed to kill us in AoC2:JE when he flies an even bigger big, bad naughty planet-killing machine.
Jaina: Well, I suppose there isn?t much I can do about that then. But I am going to destroy all your ships at Iffy and Gucky to make up for it.
PPG1: Fly away little Jeedai. All those snails out there really want that reward.



* Does anyone have a link for that story?
**Itrakh's line
  Gucky

Corran has been surfing the holonet and found the follow personal advertisement from Gucky:

================================
Wanted: An incredible sexy male, preferable human, for isolated misunderstood woman. Must be tall, dark hansom, self-absorbed, and needy.
================================

Corran: Well two out of four ain?t bad!
Jacen: You?re not tall.
Corran: No, but I am in another sense.
Jacen snorts with laughter.
Corran: Well I?m a Jedi. I can make them think I am. Size matters not.
Jacen: But aren?t you married?
Corran: Yeah, but after Mirax spending all of JJK and YJK flying around the galaxy with Mara, quite frankly I?m a little suspicious. Besides, I?m not going to do anything. I just want to know I still have it.
Jacen opens his mouth, about to say some not very flattering things about middle aged men when Gunner interrupts.
Gunner: Let him have his fun. Both his and Mirax?s careers in the NJO are about to be put on hold anyhow. These oldies need all the positive re-enforcement they can get.
Corran: (more than a little miffed) You?re just jealous.
Gunner: I have one word for you mate ? Danae.
Jacen: (whining) It?s only for one book.
Corran: Three books. One series.
Jacen: Maybe she will be searching for me. She said I was a very special person.
Gunner and Corran crack up laughing
Gunner: Kid, that?s what they say when they are trying to let them down gently.
Jacen: Do not
Gunner: Do so
Jacen: Do not
Gunner: Do so
Jacen: Do not
Gunner: Do so
Jacen: Do not
Gunner: Do so
Etc.........

Corran feels incredibly empowered by this display of Jedi maturity

Corran: Ah, kids. Aren?t they grand?

---------

A short time later, still on Gucky.

Corran: How does this suit look?
Gunner: The purple and red look like rust patches. Are you hiding something?
Corran: (goes *very* red) No. (Turns away and pulls a metal pipe out of his pants and swaps it for the more traditional rolled up socks.)

Jacen: (still pulling his pants back up after giving Corran his socks) Your lady friend is late. I think you?ve been set up.
Corran: Maybe she's just being fashionably late. I want you two to keep guard in case the Pong turn up.
Gunner: Pity you didn?t think of that before you answered the advertisement.
Corran: (firmly) Go and wait over there.
Jacen: You?re just scared of the competition.
Corran: GO!!!!
(Gunner and Jacen romp off making obscene gestures)
Corran: Kids.

---

Soon afterwards a young man strolls up.
YM: How you doing?
Corran: You said you were female!
YM: So did you.
Corran: I was trying to appeal to your feminine side.
YM: You sure?
Corran: (getting a little desperate) Yes. But if that?s your game, I have two friends who might be interested. One just got burnt by a woman, and I think the other is over-compensating.

<Insert pointless reference to previous MAS EU>

YM: Interesting.... Well, in the meantime, I need you to help me defeat the Pong.
Corran: I?m your man. (YM starting leering at him) Not literally of course.
YM: (shrugs) We?re going to appeal to the Pong?s aesthetic tastes. They didn?t kill Danae because they thought she was worthy, and ...
Corran: (immensely flattered) So you think they won?t kill me because I?m so incredibly hansom, and my naturally magnetic sex appeal will overwhelm them?
YM: No. They won?t kill you because you?re a Jedi. They didn?t kill Smirko and Jacen when they caught them, and we need specimens of Pong genetic experiments.
Corran: NO!!! Runs away in fright.

Jacen and Gunner catch him and bring him back.

YM: Look at it on the bright side. Your stint in the NJO is about to end. You can go out on a high, nobly sacrificing yourself for the future of your fellow NR citizens.
Corran: But I?m not a NR citizen. Correlia is still under a dictatorship.
YM: Then do it for your fellow Jedi.
Corran: Never! I?m not going to die. That?s for the 100-odd nameless, faceless Jedi out there who don?t have any lines. If I have to go, it?s going.................

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 5:24 pm)

11. 

 Back on Yavin IV:

Anakin walks into the Jedi planning room.

Anakin:Uh, uncle Luke...

Luke:Yeah?

Anakin:I was just walking down the hall and I found this note attached to DeadMeatTwilek'cor's room.

Luke takes the note. It reads GONE SUPERWEAPON HUNTING.

Marao you know what this means?

Luke:To the Batmobile!

Anakin:Huh?

Luke:Sorry, old age. I meant the Jade's Fire.

Mara:It exploded six years ago.

Luke:Jade Sabre?

Maraantooine, remember?

Luke:All right, just find a ship. Let's go look at the spaceport.

Slightly later:

Luke:Hey, look who I found. This Chalco guy saw our friend leaving.

Anakin:Why do I sense we've picked up another pathetic life form?

Luke:Hey, what did I say about that English accent?

Anakin:I know, no using it until I'm Jacen's age.

Meanwhile...

Jacen tosses another sewer lid into the air.

Gunner:Uh, when did we become the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Jacen:What?

Corran:It's beyond your generation, kid.  Gucky

Corran, Gunner and Jacen stroll, arm-in-arm, into the Botanical Gardens.
Jacen: Ooooh! I like the pretty pink flowers. Can I pick one? Danae says pink brings out the colour of my eyes.
Gunner: (rolls eyes) You mean she tried to distract you with some ridiculous compliment; add something distinctive to your otherwise boring, self-obsessed personality; and to add insult to injury, make you the laughing stock of any and all females you chase in the future.
Jacen: That?s not true.
Gunner: Oh yeah? When did Tenal Ka dump you? Before or after you started wearing pink?

Jacen screams and starts running into the Bothan Plant section.

Gunner: Um, Jacen?
Jacen: WHAT?
Gunner: We?re supposed to go into the Iffy Barf Grove.
Jacen: FINE!

Jacen resumes screaming and runs into the Barf Grove.


Trained Pong Warriors start to arrive.
Corran: Now we?re in trouble. These are real warriors, not just slave trainers.
Gunner: (now getting well and truly exasperated) SO WHY DIDN?T WE WAIT UNTIL THE TRAINING EXERCISE WAS OVER AND EVERYONE WAS DEAD OR HAD LEFT THE AREA, YOU DUMB $*@# ?
Corran: (a little hurt) Don?t yell at me. At least we got a cool fight scene and fulfilled our quota of blood, death and gore for the chapter.
Gunner: Why do you care? You?re leaving the series. You don?t want to die, yet you are getting us into pointless fights and risking your neck.
Corran: Well if the Solo brat gets killed, I figure I might get to stay on.
Gunner: You wish. They?d just get *your* brat to replace you.
Corran: Valin would never do that to his old man.
Gunner: Yeah, sure. Whatever you reckon. But while we?re on the subject - *Valin*? What were you thinking? Methinks someone has been poaching material from other universes again.
Corran: Shut up, Gunner. I?m the leader of this outfit. You?re supposed to be groveling at my feet in awe.
Gunner: That?s in Ruin ? the final cut, the version that makes it to press. Right now we?re in Siege, so no one is going to hear about this little conversation, you arrogant, sycophantic twit.
Corran: I?m going to tell on you.
Gunner: Go ahead. By the time you do, you?ll already have been exiled from the NJO.

Corran bursts into tears.

----------------------


Core-u-skank Encyclopedia of Xena-biology (a rare offshoot of over-the-top superhero plants that emit bizarre sounds and wear even stranger outfits.)


Barf Trees

A distant relation of the Magic Faraway Tree* that during it?s travels to distant lands managed to spread its seeds in all sorts of places, primarily due to the propensity of certain writers to borrow liberally from other fantasy/science fiction works.

When threatened, this mysterious tree is prone to having strange effects upon the perceived enemy. These effects vary according to the situation, individuals involved, and the needs of the writer.

It has, however, been observed on occasion that when the individual only known as *Moonface* is in the vicinity, the barf plant frequently vanishes altogether so as to avoid being used as an easy non-Force related escape hatch out of an otherwise impossible situation.


* If you didn?t read Enid Blyton when you were a kid you won?t understand the reference ? and that isn?t necessarily a bad thing! Gucky - Botanical Gardens

A Pong razor bug scraps Jacen?s chin.
Jacen bursts into tears (again!)

Corran: What is it now?
Jacen: That razor bug cut off my beard!
Ganner: (snorts with contempt) What beard?
Jacen: I was growing a beard. I know it wasn?t much, but I thought I was just starting to get that Indi... oops sorry, Han Solo five o?clock shadow look.
Ganner: Kid, your so-called beard... (a razor bug slams into Ganner?s right cheek, disfiguring his model-like physique) AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! My face! My beautiful face! All that time and money spent on cosmetic surgery! My life is over! It?s not fair! Don?t they know I have a series coming up?
Jacen: PLASTIC SURGERY?
Gunner: NO! *COSMETIC* surgery.
Jacen: (starts cackling with laughter) Whatever makes you feel better pretty boy. Suddenly Knightfall seems so far away. Maybe there?s still time to recast.
Gunner: (bursts into tears) Don?t say that. I need that series. It?s my big chance to show I?m not just a MAS character.
Corran: (smugly) Under the circumstances, the title *Knightfall* seems singularly appropriate.
Gunner: I don?t like you anymore!
Corran: Believe me, the feeling is more than mutual.


As more razor bugs and Pong enter the gardens, even Gunner gets distracted away from thoughts about his face and future.

Corran: We should go into the Iffy Barf Trees.
Jacen: (sarcastically) Wow-Corran-I-wonder-why?
Corran: (equally sarcastically) Because-the-Barf-Trees-are-semi-sentient. They-will-help-tell-us-where-the-Pong-are-hiding.

Gunner: Great! Just great! Apart from the odd token appearance, there are no non-humans in this series and yet a semi-intelligent *TREE* is about to get a starring role. That really speaks highly of the quality of the casting agents.
Corran: Hey! That?s not your line. We?re supposed to ponder on why there are Iffy trees on Gucky.
Jacen: When two such beautiful, un-industrialised worlds like Gucky and Iffy are destroyed, it will show how evil the Pong really are.
Ganner: Of course they are evil. *LOOK AT ME*
Corran: And they did kill Chewbacca. Isn?t that the ultimate sign of how depraved they really are?
Jacen: Who? Stop interrupting me! Just in case anyone thinks that the Pong are actually good for not using machines, the destruction of these two beautiful worlds will be the ultimate proof. This will stop all the pacifist, greenie species in our own galaxy from joining them.
Gunner: Fine! Great! Wonderful! Now, if this earth-shattering, or should I say Gucky-shattering, denouement is quite finished, could we just get this ridiculous scene over with. (Walks into the trees, his arms stretched out wide, yelling sarcastically) Oh Trees! Speak to me! Where are the Pong?
Barf Tree #1: Behind and to the left. Your pretty face is about to take another beating.

Gunner bursts into tears and runs to hide behind the human and Noghri extras since they aren?t supposed to be involved in the upcoming action.



Jacen: We?re surrounded. (Wailing) We?re going to die!!!!!
Corran: Don?t be ridiculous. *I?m here* The number of times I?ve come out of seemingly impossible situations is testimony to my grit, courage, determination...
Jacen: ...and the fact that MAS is writing this dribble.
Corran: (whispering) SHHH! This is non-meta-aware. We?re not supposed to know that.
(raises his voice again) Besides, wouldn?t you much rather die here with me than be squashed by some piddling moon?
Jacen: Are you kidding? (Stands up) Hey! Pong! Over here! Take our leader!

Pain Patrol Goon #3: We don?t want him. But you can take our leader.

Corran: (addressing Jacen) Are you mad? (Also stands up and addresses the Pong) The only way to me is through this acne-infested, puss-dripping, hormone-driven teenager!

The entire Pain Patrol shudders in horror.

Jacen: (to Corran) You think you?re so clever, don?t you! (addresses the Pong) The only way to this acne-infested, hormone driven teenager is through the torn-up pretty boy with all that silicon leaking from his face

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 5:28 pm)

13.  

While Barf burns...

Botanical Gardens


Pain Patrol Goon #1: What?s that smell?

Pain Patrol Goon #2: Smells good, whatever it is.

Pain Patrol Goon #1: Let?s investigate.
  

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 5:33 pm)

15.  

The Barf trees are burning down ...

Botanical Gardens

PPG#1: Someone has deliberately set fire to the entire gardens. What a wanton act of vandalism!
PPG#2: We must call in the Pong Environmental Terrorism Unit (PETU).

PETU Special Agents instantaneously appear.

PETU SA #1: Someone called?
PPG#1: Someone has deliberately set fire to this wonderful collection of flora from all around this galaxy.
PETU SA #1: This is horrible! We *will* get to the bottom of this! Rest assured, the culprits will pay for their crime.
PPG#2: Umm, shouldn?t we put out the fire?
PETU SA #1: Yes, but wait until there?s been a little more destruction. It will make the guilty parties that much more culpable when we catch them.
PPG#1: But what if the fire was lit to cover up important evidence?
PETU SA #2: Do what you?re told, boy. We?re Pong. Normal rules of logic don?t apply to us. Even if the fire is supposed to hide important evidence, we will find it.
PPG#2: Makes sense to me.
  

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 5:32 pm)

17.

 Red Rooster ? near Gucky

Traest: Well of course I don?t *want* to rescue these Jedi. At least not these particular Jedi. But we need those Pong experiment samples. Do you have any idea the reward I?ll be giving up by bringing in Corran and the rest of those moronic marines?

Traest waits for a reply from the two officers before giving up in disgust.

Traest: For crying out loud, will you two *please* stop this constant fighting?

Wedge: Admiral, when you are reduced to cameo appearances, you too will fight for every line you can get. (elbows Tycho in the ribs)
Tycho: (shoves Wedge back) Old man, be careful. I?m gonna wipe the floor with your butt.
Wedge: You and what army?
Tycho: This one (Winter walks in)
Wedge: Oh-ooo.  More scenes from the "lost" Siege. Han enters the "Down and Out and Forgotten Bar" in the forgotten section of Core-u-skank, sidles up to the bar and plops down onto the stool.

Han: (to the bartender) "Whyren's Reserve. And leave the bottle."
Bartender: "Hey pal, you look like you've tied on one too many already."
Han: "What's it to ya? My credits are good."
Bartender: "Can't argue with that."
Han: (tapping the bar) "There's not going to be any beating around the bush this time. I gotta show people I am a drunken louse. No vague hinting at it. All this leave-it-to-the-readers-imagination is for losers."
Bartender: "Aren't you worried about censorship?"
Han: "No way. They can't do anything worse to me."
Bartender: "Aren't you worried they might kill you off?"
Han: "Well they can't right now because I'm slated to star in my own series."
Bartender: "What did they do to you?"
Han: "They killed off my best friend. My sidekick. My whole identity."
Bartender: (noticing Han's wedding ring) "What about your wife."
Han: "My wife? She's off saving the galaxy again." (in typical Han-sarcasm) "She's got no time for me."
Bartender: "Sorry pal."
Han: "Hey, no need to feel sorry for me. I'm gonna give her a taste of her own medicine."
Bartender: "How's that?"
Han: "She's left me in my time of need, so I am going to run off on her, in her time of need."
Bartender: "Not exactly the way to keep a relationship together."
Han: "Hey pal, I'm not looking for personal advice here, just alcohol."
Bartender: "I'd say you've found it."

Han: "I am sick of having only one Chapter a book. Things are gonna change."
(A familiar female Bothan slides onto the stool next to Han.)
Bothan: "Quit yer complaining, at least you got a Chapter."
Han: "Do I know you?"
Bothan: "No, I don't think we've ever met, but we do have friends in common."
Han: "So what's your story?"
Bothan: "They cut me out completely and only gave me a very, very vague reference."
Han: "Let me guess, you are an unresolved plot line."
Bothan: "Yeah, kinda."
Han: "And were deemed superfluous and not necessary."
Bothan: "You got it. Though my patron didn't think so."
Han: "Your patron wanted to resolve you?"
Bothan: "Yes. But I ended up being a difference of opinion."
Han: (pours her a shot) "Hopefully, someone will pick you up later."
Bothan: "I'm not counting on it."
Han: (chugs down the last of the bottle) "Bummer. Well, good luck to you. Wish me luck, I am about to go on."

Han grabs the Donny-and-Marie wireless microphone and jumps up on the bar for a little ditty.

I had a good life,
Until you came.
Now I am a drunk-ard,
Who's drowning all his sorrows.

Why can't this author,
Write me like I'm supposed to be.
Instead of sidelining me,
Because he doesn't have room.

In this booze,
I am wallowing,
never have before.
And this booze
is lamest excuse to keep me down,
but it's supposed to, make me grow,
maa-ake me grow.

**Abject apologies to Don Henley. Most of the patrons ignore Han, but someone throws a few rotten tomatos that hit him. Han jumps down to fight the music critic who threw the rotten fruit. Han finds the music critic and proceeds to pummel him for objecting to Han's song. However, Han is so drunk that he misses many of his punches and soon finds himself beaten silly. Just then, two guys show up to rescue Han.

Han: (sluring his words) "Hey, I was doing just fine till you two showed up. What are you doing here anyway?"
Hobbie: "We tailed you."
Janson: "We figured you'd stir things up, make some waves."
Hobbie: "And we wanted in on the action."
Janson: "Figured we'd get in a little face time while we were at it."
Hobbie: "Your face is the last thing people want to see."
Janson: "Speak for yourself rash-face."
Bothan: (who has joined the others) "I see you two haven't changed."
Janson: "Hey, As..." (Hobbie clamps his hand over Janson's mouth.)
Hobbie: "We're not supposed to say her name, doofus."
Janson: "But this is humorous version fic, it doesn't matter."
Hobbie: "I suppose you're right, but why hasn't the fan fic writer named her yet?"
Asyr: "Just waiting for the right opportunity."
Han: "Lemme guess, you two got cut too."
Janson: "Yup, like an old outfit that's not in fashion anymore."
Hobbie: "When were you ever in fashion."
Han: "I don't need you two wise-asses, especially when I've got one coming. Besides I've got places to go."
Janson: "Where's that, the gutter?"
Hobbie: "Oh, that's right, you're the big man with his own series coming up."
Janson: "Pardon us for intruding on your beating."
(Janson cold-cocks Han, sending him into a heap of garbage to sleep off his hangover.)
Janson: "That outta keep him until morning."
Hobbie: "He'll be happy. He wanted to show he was drunken loser."
Janson: "Nothing like waking up in gutter trash to illustrate that."
Asyr: "Hey guys, I heard you got cut too."
Janson: "Yeah, Stackhy can't write humor like the big A, so he left us out."
Hobbie: "Didn't wanna suffer an inferiority complex in comparison."
Asyr: "What is it with men and their egos?"
Janson: "What are you looking at me for?"
Asyr: "You've been the big macho type."
Hobbie: "Macho preening type you mean."
Asyr: "You're gonna have to hope you're still around when the big A comes up to the plate."
Hobbie: "I hope so, I've got a backlog of jokes to get out."
Janson: "I hear we've been put on a protected list."
Hobbie: "But it's become a do not use list."
Janson: "I hate being left out of all the fun."       Outside the Red Rooster, Rogue Squadron is waiting for Traest's orders.


Jaina: What do you mean I can?t use the Force to find Jacen?
Gavin: It?s about trust. You have to act like you are a team member. Not like a superior person with abilities the rest of us lack.
Jaina: But I *am* superior.
Gavin: (getting exasperated) Just don?t do it.
Jaina: But Corran?s message said a Jedi had been injured. Since this is an MAS novel and we?re only half way through, it?s obviously not Corran. That means I?ve got a 50/50 chance that Jacen?s mortally injured. You just don?t want me knowing more than you or the rest of the command staff.
Gavin: (getting nervous) Well I wouldn?t put it that way.
Jaina: I would. And the problem is easily solved. Just make me a member of the command staff.
Gavin: Jaina, you?ve been promoted twice in as many books. You?re going to have to wait at least until you?re legally an adult before you can take over the squadron.
Jaina: We?ll just see about that! I?m going to tell Aunt Mara on you. She used to be a Sith Lord. She?ll have you begging for mercy in no time.
Gavin: (snorts with derisive laughter) Little girl, your dear, darling aunt can?t even fight off a few little bugs, so I think the chances of her harming even a hair on my head are fairly remote.
Jaina: That?s what you think! I wasn?t apprenticed to a Sith for nothing.

Jaina is just about to attack Gavin when the order comes in to jump to Gucky. Torn between destroying her (temporary) boss or her obnoxious twin, Jacen - unlike any of his other recent battles - quickly wins this one, and Jaina heads off for Gucky.
  The Barf smoke clears to reveal the passed out forms of the Pain Patrol Goons and the Pong Environmental Terrorism Unit Special Agents.


PETU SA #1: Wow! What was that stuff?

PPG #1: More! More! I demand more!

PETU SA #2: Obviously we have found the reason for the fire.

PETU SA #1: Damn it! That means there?s no more left. Find out where the fire started and we?ll find the trees responsible for this heinous effect.

PPG #2: Why is it a bad thing?

PETU SA #2: Because we are Pong. It is specifically stated in our contracts that the only pleasurable activities we may undertake must be S&M related.

PETU SA #1: We *really* need a new agent. Can we at least seek revenge against the culprits?

PETU SA #2: Absolutely. Clearly that ship we found labeled the Lost Hope was not all it appeared to be.

PPG #1: Your intellect never fails to astonish me. Haven?t you noticed how the name of a ship is always a really good give away as to it?s fate. All the ?good? ships in this galaxy are called things like ?Gallant?, ?Indomitable?, and ?Intrepid?; and all the evil ships are called things like ?Retaliator?, ?Executor?, and ?Devastator?. Even Shiddee Dai?s Flag Ship is called ?Legacy of Torment.?

PETU SA #1: Wow! Do you think anyone has caught onto this ingenious code?

PPG#1: Nah! How could they? It?s far too subtle a device for the average person to pick up on.  

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 5:35 pm)

19. 

The Pong warship, Burning Pride, above Gucky.

Dainty Lame is about to join a not very exclusive club of maniacal villains who have unsuccessful dared to defy the will of MAS and destroy Corran.


Dainty Lame: What are we doing here? I was on Poodubrillon in my last scene.
Dainty Pain Patrol Goon: Why should that be a surprise? We've somehow managed to travel to a new galaxy without a reasonable explanation.
Dainty Lame: Good point. So *why* are we here?
D.P.P.G.: To try and eliminate Corran Horn.
Dainty Lame: Are you kidding? I may be the moronic sidekick in this book, but even I know a lost cause when I see one. Let's get out of here.


The Burning Pride joins the Red Rooster in its evacuation of the Gucky system. 

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 6:44 pm)