22.


The Chimaera flies into the Gucky system.

Pellaeon: When am I going to climb out of Thrawn?s shadow?
Ex-Imperial Stormtrooper: Taking his skin of the wall would be a really good start.
Pellaeon: Would you still respect me if He wasn?t here?
Ex-I.S.: Perhaps. But you?ll need to develop a personality first rather than acting like a Thrawn-wannabe.
Pellaeon: But the EU is full of those.
Ex-I.S.: Are any of those in positions of authority?
Pellaeon: No, but they weren?t created by TZ. That fool?s shadow looms even larger than Thrawn's.
Ex-I.S.: Can?t argue with that.
Pellaeon: Look on the bright side. The wunderkid is going to be more than a little annoyed that his big entrance has been ruined.


Outside, Stick Squadron is flying around trying not to look really stupid because they?ve miss their big chance to show up Rogue Squadron.


Jagged: But... but... MY DADDY SAID THEY?D BE HERE!!!!!!


Gucky

Shiddee Dai has arrived to view the carnage left by the Jedi and their servants.


Shiddee Dai: What carnage! What pointless destruction!
Elegy: Indeed. All they had to do was leave a note saying where they were going.
Dainty Lame: What do we do now Master?
Shiddee Dai: Obviously we follow them to Iffy. Offhand I would venture to guess that *is* why they?ve spelt *IFFY* out in all this ash for us.
Dainty Lame: (full of admiration) Shiddee Dai, when I grow up I want to be just like you.
Shiddee Dai: Why? At least this way you?ll out live this book. Shiddee Dai: Well I suppose we?re off to Iffy. You know, Elegy, I?m beginning to think I got a pretty bad deal when I signed up for this gig. All I do is inflict pain and win dubious victories over the New Republic that are supposed to show their vulnerability but just end up showing me as incompetent.
Elegy: You could always try to negotiate a peace treaty.
Shiddee Dai: You really think so? I?d need a *really* good ambassador. People are more than a little ticked off that we killed Chewbacca.
Elegy: I know just the thing to compensate for that unfortunate death. You can kill Corran for us! You?d be a galactic hero! The New Republic would offer you command of the galaxy if you could accomplish that. And the President of the New Republic, Dorkus himself, would personally help you take over the rest of the galaxy if you?d eliminate the rest of the Jedi ? permanently this time. With a galactic immunisation program, those coral things you?ve got growing on those slaves, could knock out *ANY AND ALL* Force users *forever*. We could call it *Force-Killer* We could sell it over the Holonet! We?d make a fortune! I can see the advertisement now:


*************************************************************

Having trouble with a Force user?
Has your Solar System or Planet just been destroyed?
Have these Force-wielding maniacs left you destitute while they go unpunished and revel in their ill-gotten gains?

Well we have the answer for you!

*FORCE-KILLER!!!!!*


One squirt of this stuff into the individual in question* and in a few moments this galactic terror will become just another seditious juvenile ? that *you* can now break!**

So call us on 1800 DIE-JEDI-DIE right now!

Stocks are limited so call immediately!
That number again is 1800 DIE-JEDI-DIE.


N.B. New Republic subsidies are available to people that have been injured by Jedi in the past. So you *will* call 1800 DIE-JEDI-DIE right away!


* Force-Killer may be entered in the individual?s system in any method deemed appropriate by the injuried parties. Remember, the more painful and humiliating, the better *you* will feel!

** Applying torture immediately after application will not only aid the Force-blinding process but will also do wonders for your self-esteem!

******************************************************************

24.


Red Rooster


Traest: We?ve got to figure out what we?re going to do about the Pong before we?re swamped by Jedi and politicians.
Pellaeon: Got any left over Super Weapons?
Traest: One. But it?s already been booked for AoC:JE. What about you?
Pellaeon: Despite the fact we have blue prints for every super weapon KJA ever inflicted on us, we refuse to build any more, regardless of the consequences for the galaxy. We must retain the moral high ground.
Traest: Got an election coming up, huh?
Pellaeon: Afraid so. But we don?t need a Death Star, you?ve got the Jedi! How many planets and solar systems have they accounted for between them?
Traest: That?s Dorkus? election platform. Are you sure you want to side with him on this issue?
Pellaeon: Side with a politician? I?d rather be subjected to the writing talents (or lack of them) of KJA, BH and KR simultaneously.


Traest and Pellaeon reach the briefing room.


Traest: A word of warning. I had to include Luke Skywalker and Corran Horn in on the meeting.

Pellaeon: Is there any point in asking why?

Traest: The series is call the New *JEDI* Order so we?re more or less obliged to have them tag along. Besides, Luke?s only scenes so far have involved spewing forth incomprehensible pacifist dribble, and a search for a rogue Jedi that ended up being edited so badly that it has absolutely no relevance to the story as a whole.

Pellaeon: So why did it stay?

Traest: Because he?s Luke. If he isn?t sufficiently involved in the story the fans will complain he is being phased out. Look on the bright side. Better him than that Sith of a wife.

Pellaeon: Makes sense to me! So what about Corran?

Traest: (flashes a huge, toothy grin) He?s about to be killed off. Don?t you want to help make his final moments among the living as excruciating as possible?

Pellaeon: (returns the grin) Far be it from me to contravene the will of the Force

26.


Pellaeon: Now Horn ...
Corran: I?m a Colonel.
Pellaeon: I thought you were a Jedi Knight.
Corran: I am. I left Rogue Squadron and the military six years ago, yet I am inexplicably still listed as being a member of that unit.
Pellaeon: (condescendingly) So what do you want to be called?
Corran: (hopefully) Commander in Chief of the Universe?

Pellaeon cracks up laughing. Corran is more than a little crestfallen.


Pellaeon: Horn (studiously ignores Corran?s objections), what precisely is so important about these Iffy trees? Your report was a little vague.
Traest: Actually, it was bordering on hysterical.
Corran: Jacen Solo wrote the report. I just corrected some spelling.
Pellaeon: Are you trying to make me feel old by mentioning a kid who was born during my debut in this universe and is now a young adult?
Corran: Yeah! Did it work?
Pellaeon: I think so. I feel this overwhelming need to get a really bad comb-over, and chase women half my age.
Corran: Speaking of women young enough to be your granddaughters, where?s Danni?

Pellaeon just grins bashfully.


Traest: (impatiently) So what is so important about the Iffy trees?

Corran and Luke look at each other nervously.

Corran: They cause an allergic reaction in the Pong armor. The armor swells up and squashes them to death.
Traest: Are you serious?
Corran: (nervously) Yes.
Traest: The Pong are masters of genetic manipulation and biological warfare. Once they discover this, how quickly do you think they are going to create a vaccine to combat this *allergic reaction*?
Corran: um ... it?s worth a shot?
Traest: Listen, you sycophantic, little toad. Tell us what really happened on Gucky.

Corran looks at Luke desperately.

Luke: (waves his hand) Corran is telling the truth.

Pellaeon and Traest: Corran is telling the truth.

Luke: We must defend Iffy against the Pong.

Pellaeon and Traest: We must defend Iffy against the Pong.

Luke: We must pull all resources here to defend this world.

Pellaeon and Traest: We must ...

Pellaeon: (shaking his head) Hang on. If we order our ships here, Agamar will fall.

Luke: So what? Who cares about a bunch of red neck farmers? It had it's fifteen minutes of fame. The planet has served its purpose. Now, you need to let go of the past. Besides, there are hardly any refugees left in that sector. By letting the Pong have that world, we?ll have six weeks until they?ll show up.

Pellaeon: The Pong can destroy planets in less than a day. Why will it take six weeks to destroy Agamar?

Luke: It won?t. But Shiddee Dai?s incompetence will aid the process enormously.

Pellaeon: How do you know this?

Luke: (quickly tucking away his copy of *Siege*) It is the will of the Force.



Two weeks later, Iffy Herd Ship the Teflon Base.

The politicians and Jedi have arrived at Iffy, so what do they do but throw a fancy dress party so they can glare at each other and suck up to the Chiss!


Luke Skywalker and Mara Jade Skywalker ? or is it Skywalker Jade? (Does anyone really care?) are seated on a dais, before which all their minions ? er ... fellow Jedi and non-Force-using vassals ? come to pay court. At the bottom of the dais, Dyp is campaigning for the Jedi to become a democratically elected body, ending the Skywalker/Solo hegemony.


On the other side of the room Dorkus and his cronies are seated on a platform that has been strategically placed two centimeters higher than the Skywalker dais. As democratically elected representatives of the New Republic, they refuse to lower themselves to having contact with Imperials. What really scares them is that the Old Republic made a come back with a rebellion, why not the Imperials?


The Jedi and the politicans are glaring at each other. Luke is wondering how he can get Dyp to like him because Dyp is more powerful than he is. Mara is wondering how a little twerp like Dyp could, even for a moment, think that he had been a Sith Lord. Dyp is wondering how he can eliminate Mara so she?ll stop infecting Luke with her excessive Force using dribble, since it is obviously having a detrimental effect on him. And Jacen is still absorbed with his self-obsessed musings about how he is going to change the Jedi Order when he is leader.


Across the room, Dorkus is wondering how he can convince Dyp or Mara to use their talents for evil rather than wasting them on the Jedi. He has been reading an autobiography about Senator Palpatine, and finds his approach to political manipulation absolutely inspiring. His advertisement for a strong-arm goon hasn?t been a success, and a Dark Jedi would be perfect.


Pellaeon and his officers ? the really Imperials, not the Chiss Pretenders ? are gathered in the centre of the room with Traest and his officers. They are all doing their best not to make eye contact with any of the groups surrounding them.

Pellaeon has slipped back into Thrawn mode and is attempting to understand the Jedi by their clothing.

(Pellaeon thinking to himself)
*Those dark cloaks they all wear, while extremely appropriate for Coruscant and it?s dangerous streets where one certainly wants to avoid being noticed, really make them conspicuous in respectable company. Although on the other hand, the dark colours are perfect for hiding stains. Hmmm, pretentious, but practical ? shows a healthy desire to avoid doing laundry.

All those different layers of clothing must get really awkward. I wonder why no one reduces them to just one set? There are a few Jedi here who are not wearing this uniform, (looks over at Wurth) maybe it means they are more sensible not only about their clothing, but also in their duties as a Jedi.

(Watches Jaina wriggle around in her robes) Those things certainly don?t look comfortable. Hot, awkward to keep in place, and (watches Corran trying to scratch his butt) the material appears to be very itchy. Are they masochists? Sadistic certainly. Look how many ex-Sith they have among them.

Then of course there is the issue of the colour. Tan appears to be the order of the day. The shade varies, even the material and style alter ? a little - but conformity appears to be very important, (looks at Dyp and his dorks) Even among the rebels of the group. Safety in numbers? Reveling in a uniform that instantly identifies them as Jedi? Feeding on the fear, envy or adoration it inspires? Perhaps it is a symptom of an underlying fear of the fragility of their newly reestablished order.

This propensity for flamboyant capes and hoods is also a little disturbing. Paradoxically, they simultaneously seek to be noticed and feared, and to hide and be inconspicuous. Or maybe concealment is not their purpose. Perhaps they seek attention through different means, for different effects? If a Jedi appears to tr.............

28.  
Still sliding around on Teflon Base...


Jaina is trying to join the group of New Republic officers in the centre of the room.

Jaina: (jumping up and down trying to catch the officers? attention) Hey! What?s up guys?

Gavin: What are you doing here, Jaina?

Jaina: I?m a New Republic officer.

Gavin: Yes, but only a very junior and newly made one. You?re here because the politicians want to brown-nose the Jedi, so go and get in line (nods at a queue of politicians progressively working their way up a line of eagerly awaiting Jedi).

Jaina: But I was to rub shoulders with the unwashed masses.

Gavin: We?re the best officers in the New Republic. We are *not* derelicts.

Jaina: But you?re not Jedi!

Gavin: Look, you stuck up little sh** ...

Gunner: Hello all!


Gavin and Jaina scream.


Gunner: (starts to cry) It?s my face, isn?t it?

Gavin and Jaina shake their heads vehemently.

Gunner: Come on, you can be honest with me. I?ve been formally exiled from Dyp?s Dags so I won't do anything nasty to you.

Gavin slowly backs away from the maimed Jedi and then turns tail and flees the room.


Jaina is left feeling very awkward.


Jaina: Lost Knightfall, huh?

Gunner: Yeah.

Jaina: What about plastic surgery?

Gunner: Never! This scratch reminds me that I am not invincible.

Jaina: That?s a very defeatist attitude. MAS stealing an AA plot line?

Gunner: (sarcastically) However did you guess?


The pair watch Jacen trying to explain to Dorkus his latest moral dilemma as to whether he would be misusing the Force if he were to use it to clear up his acne. Dorkus looks like he would welcome even the help of a Jedi in escaping Jacen.


Gunner: Now that I?ve lost any chance with Danni, I don?t suppose you?re available?

Jaina: You really know how to make a girl feel wanted.

Gunner: I do when they are. You?re not exactly a super model. And you?d be surprised how often the whole Jedi thing scares people off.

Jaina: (airily) As tempting an offer as it is, I am afraid I shall soon be attached elsewhere.

Gunner: Who?

Jaina: As you may or may not have heard, we have some visitors from the Unknown Regions.

Gunner: The SMURFS???? You?re going to go out with a SMURF???? *

Jaina: NO!

Gunner: Of course not! What was I thinking? This is the New Republic after all. There has to be a *human* leader for these savage beasts.

Jaina: That?s right.

Gunner: So have you met yet, or were you planning to wait until after the wedding?

Jaina: I?ve flown against him in simulations.

Gunner: Ah! Now it?s clear. He outflew you, didn?t he? So in retaliation you?re going to make his life a living hell for all eternity.

Jaina: That isn?t quite what I had in mind. I was thinking it would only be for the rest of his natural life.



*Shamelessly borrowed from the Heirs To The Empire Humorous Version (couldn?t find the link and hence the author ? sorry!)

30.


Still on the increasingly tenuous Teflon Base


Ephemeral Satyr (The Mofference formerly known as Ephin Sarreti) has taken over from Jacen for the next shift in the plot to drive Dorkus to suicide.


Satyr: Dorkus.

Dorkus: (haughtily) I don?t believe we?re met.

Satyr: Not in person at least.

Dorkus: So how do you know who I am?

Satyr: (puzzled) We do have access to the same intelligence.

Dorkus: *Who are you?*

Satyr: (feigns injured pride) I can?t believe you?ve forgotten about our time together!

Dorkus: WHO ARE YOU?

Satyr: Would you believe Asyr?

Dorkus: NO!

Satyr: What about Thrawn?

Dorkus: Nice try. I saw his carcass hanging from Pellaeon?s bridge.

Satyr: Too bad you didn?t know about that during the Hand of Thrawn trilogy. It would have spared us the majority of that dribble. Ok, I?ll be honest with you. *I* am your father.


Dorkus tries to impale the Moff with his kebab skewer.



**********

Elsewhere, Jacen is trying to convince the Gamorrean ambassador that it is unethical to wear deodorant as it hides one?s natural smell.

**********



Meanwhile the clash of the politicians continues . . .

Dorkus: How dare you even suggest such a thing!

Satyr: Why? If we coordinate our attacks on the Pong, we might actually accomplish something.

Dorkus: It?s . . . immoral!

Satyr: (bursts out laughing) I am talking to the right person, aren?t I? I was under the impression that you were an amoral politician.

Dorkus: (proudly) That?s what it says on my résumé!

Satyr: So?

Dorkus: As the NR Chief of State, I refuse to resort to such un-politician-like tactics to remain in power. Cooperating with the Moff of Bat-land! What an absurd suggestion!

Satyr: In that case, this will be the only battle we help you with. At least until you are ousted from power by Viper Sheath and, more importantly, you lock up that pathological moron, Jacen.

Dorkus: We do not require your assistance. The New Republic is the most powerful force in the galaxy.

Satyr: Not any more.

Dorkus: We ? the New Republic ? will overcome the Pong. And when that happens we?ll make sure to come calling on you, *ally*. You?re lucky that I wasn?t Chief of State six years ago or you wouldn?t even exist. *I* am now the most powerful being in the galaxy.

Satyr: Brave words considering the prime reasons you are able to have that power are standing not twenty metres away.

Dorkus: The Jedi are fools.

Satyr: Most, if not all, of them ? yes. But they are fools with an incredible amount of power at their disposal. It is an imbecile or an extremely brave person who claims to not want nor need their assistance in times of dire need.

Dorkus: You?re not nearly as smart as you pretend. The Jedi won?t harm me. If they do they?ll go *DARKSIDE* (waggles his hands around in the air). Their hands will become twisted, malformed stumps, their hair will fall out, and they will suddenly be overcome with this intense urge to talk in a British accent and resort to really bad dialogue!

Satyr: So the Bothan species are actually ex-Jedi gone bad?

Dorkus: You?re such a ?the-cup-is-half-empty? sort of person. Why can?t we be Sith gone good?

Satyr: (snorts with laughter) In nine odd years of EU, have you ever been given an even remotely sympathetic scene?

Dorkus: Why would I want that? The galaxy is full of do-gooders whom, once they have had their fifteen minutes of fame, vanish. Name me another non-human character, apart from Chewbacca, who gets half the screen time I do?

Satyr: I?m sorry to say you indeed have a point.

Dorkus: So speaks the man making his debut appearance in the EU. Welcome to the real world, boy. Your stay, I forsee, will be short lived.

32.


Later . . .


Jiggy: So you?re a pilot *and* a Jedi? How unique!

Jaina: Haven?t I met you before?

Jiggy: Is that the best pick up line you could come up with? We?re supposed to replace your parents as the great epic couple of the SWU.

Jaina: But I HAVE seen you before. I just can?t put my finger on it.

Jacen: Jaina, stop being so paranoid. How many rebellious, white, human, males do we know with black hair, green eyes and wiry build?

Jaina: Dyp

Jacen: Well . . . ok, that?s one.

Jaina: There?s Zekk.

Jacen: . . . O ?oh!


Jiggy grins impudently


Jaina: ZEKK! How did you get here?

Jiggy/Zekk: The Boy Wonder got vaped by the Pong over Gucky, so I just took his place. As if a non-Force sensitive pilot could have a better chance against them than we could! The nerve!

Jaina: You don?t really think you?ll get away with this, do you?

Zekk: Sure I will. There are only twelve people who could tell you otherwise - if I would let them and they had speaking parts. And of course they are going to be destroyed soon so I can join your squadron.

Jaina: But I?m supposed to be recreating my parents? romance by going out with a rough and ready, non-Force sensitive pilot.

Zekk: We?d better call in Freud. You WANT to have your parents? relationship? Well, your dad is having a mid-life crisis, so perhaps he?d be willing. Or better yet, being a Skywalker, maybe you?re suppressing some deep-seated urge to make-out with your twin.

Jaina: (shuddering in horror) Urgh! OK, well in that case, I?m dumping you!

Zekk: But you dumped me over a year ago!

Jaina: This is in anticipation of my solo novel.

Jacen: Zekk, you?re a Jedi. Deceiving people is of the *DARK SIDE*

Zekk: It serves them right for dumping me in favour of this jerk.

Jacen: I'm going to report this.

Zekk: Jiggy has a sister ? and she?s your age!

Jacen: Alrighty! Why didn?t you say so? If the great Luke Skywalker can get some, there?s no reason I can?t

34.


The Jedi have assembled.


Luke: Welcome, brothers and sisters in the Force!

Dyp: (shuddering in horror) No thanks! We know how you treat your siblings!

Luke: (sulkily) Fine then! I have received orders about our role in the upcoming battle. Now I assume everyone has heard about how big a wimp I was at Dantooine when I kept falling asleep after using the Force.

Everyone snickers in reply


Luke: Well, since we have been forbidden from destroying any ships using the Force as we did in Darksaber and Onslaught, you have a choice: Either you can fall asleep everytime you so much as scratch your nose, or you can inexplicably forget you are a Jedi and resort to conventional hand-to-hand combat like everyone else.

Everyone starts grumbling.


Luke: Do we really need to have a vote?

Silence ensures.


Luke: For once we?re in agreement! How pleasant. Before we start planning our attack - shut up Jacen! It?s just a term. We are on the defensive. The Pong are attacking us so we?re taking a defensive stance. Although since we were the ones who burnt the Iffy trees and led the Pong here, maybe we are slightly to blame. But they were the ones who set up shop on Gucky, which caused us to go there to investigate them and aid the resistance movement. But since we were the ones who destroyed their camp on Dantooine, causing them to seek other worlds . . . but they were the ones who dropped the moon on Serpinal . . . but Dyp did initiate first contact by trying to destroy a Pong squadron . . . but . . . but . . .

Corran: (pipes in helpfully) We?re taking a proactive defensive stance!

Luke: (holding his aching head) Whatever. Dyp - gag Jacen (Dyp, and most of the other Jedi, oblige) Where was I?


Really Tawdry helpfully intervenes and takes over the proceedings.


Really Tawdry: You?re not allowed on my planet without being purified.


Dyp walks up to Tawdry and starts poking him.


Really Tawdry: What are you doing?

Dyp: Just making sure you aren?t a Pong. We?ve seen their purification methods.

Really Tawdry: (ignoring Dyp?s continued poking) You must be purified before you are permitted to step foot on our planet.

Wurth: This is why Theocracies are always a mistake ? unless of course it is the Jedi who are in control.

Unidentified Non-Human Jedi: What if we don?t have feet?

Really Tawdry: Then this doesn?t apply. We?re just trying to annoy the humans.

Luke: Excuse me?

Really Tawdry: You need to be prepared spiritually before making the journey to the surface.

Luke: Why?

Really Tawdry: Remember Endor?

Luke: Ugh! There aren?t any Ewoks down there?

Really Tawdry grins evilly.


Dyp: Is this really necessary? What will confessing our failings accomplish?

Jacen: Assuming we have any!

Really Tawdry: Not much! But it will give me enough blackmail material for the next twenty years. You Jedi have even shorter memories than publishers, I?m here to make sure you don?t forget.

Wurth: We won?t do it!

Really Tawdry: Then I?ll market the Iffy Tree pollen to the Pong, NR politicians, and all those disgruntled NR citizens who have ever been on the receiving end of your so-called "justice".


Luke has been edging towards the door during this little speech.


Luke: Have fun, kids!

Dyp: Hang on! If we have to do this, then you have to - AND you?re going first.

Luke: (pauses for a moment, before an enormous grin spreads across his face) OK. Not a problem. I renounce responsibility! You?re all as responsible for the future of the Jedi as I am. If you screw up, you must take responsibility for your actions. I won?t be moping up after you any more. It?s been almost twenty-five years since my darkside stint. I?ve done my penance. Now it?s your turn!


The room has suddenly become deadly silent.


Dyp: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


Luke grins maliciously.


Jacen: Uncie Luke! You can?t do that! At least wait until after Jedi Eclipse.


Luke?s grin widens even further.


Wurth: (sniffling) Does that........

36.
At unspecified points during the month long wait for the Pong arrival . . .



Luke: Mara! Let me in!

Mara: No!

Luke: Please?

Mara: NO! Your newly purified presence wouldn?t want to be contaminated with my evil one.

Luke: It never bothered me before. You know I?ve never been able to pull off that bad boy act that?s what you?re for.

Mara: I?m expecting the Iffy priest. We?re going to spend a few hours doing penance.

Luke: What sort of penance?

Mara: Are Iffy priests celibate?

Luke: (indignantly) What does that have to do with anything?

Mara: Just checking.

Luke: Please let me in. We?re supposed to fool around a bit, just so the fans know we?re still capable of having kids.

Mara: By the time I?m done with you I wouldn?t be so certain.

Luke: Well, we need to do something. And it needs to be kid related. Fathering a child is the only thing left for me in the NJO.

Mara: And ironically you could even do that dead. Some DNA and the wonders of science, and we?d be rid of the whole sordid mess of conception and child birth.

Luke: But . . . that?s unnatural!

Mara: How about we use the Force to make it possible for you to carry the kid around for nine months?

Luke: That doesn?t sound *too* bad. At least I?d have a big manly scar across my stomach.

Mara: Oh no! No caesarian for you! You would have to have a *natural* childbirth.

Luke: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

38.  
Jaina: Come on Jiggy, you can do it.

Jiggy: No I can?t.

Jaina: Yes you can.

Jiggy: It?s too hard.

Jaina: No it?s not. All you have to do is stretch your mouth out wide, perhaps show a few teeth, and there you have it ? a *smile*.

Jiggy: NO! I?m supposed to be ?grim?. Smiling would ruin my tough as nails personae.

Jaina: Only if one assumed you had a personality to begin with.

Jiggy: How rude!

Jaina: Zekk, cut this out. How long do you think you can maintain this pretence?

Jiggy: Why Jaina, whatever are you talking about?

Jaina: Drop the act, fly boy. I know who you are. You?re not fooling me.

Jiggy: Now, now, Jaina. We only just met. Don?t you think it?s a little early to try to be changing me?

Jaina: Zekk! Stop this! Don?t you feel guilty about deceiving Wedge?

Jiggy: Why? His sister deserted him. I?m the only relative who has bothered showing up after all these years of separation. And at just the right time as well, by the look of things. The old man?s daughters have really grown up since *Union*.

Jaina: Hey! You?re supposed to be interested in me!

Jiggy: I thought you said I had as much chance with you as C3PO does.

Jaina: Don?t knock it. You?d be surprised how appealing he becomes during a long voyage on the Millenium Pinto.

Jiggy: Urgh!!!

Jaina: Now, Zekk . . .

Jiggy: Who?s Zekk?

Jaina: My ex-boyfriend.

Jiggy: You?re telling me about your ex-boyfriends? We only just met. You really are moving *way* too fast.

Jaina: ZEKK! Stop this!

Jiggy: WHAT?



Wedge mysteriously appears.


Wedge: Jaina! Why are you and Jiggy fighting?

Jaina: He isn?t Jiggy.

Wedge: Sure he is. You didn?t see him down at the pub last night. He taught the whole bar how to do the most incredible jig.

Jaina: Wedge, it?s not him!

Wedge: Prove it.

Jaina: He?s Zekk.

Wedge: Who?

Jaina: My ex-boyfriend.

Wedge: Never heard of him. Are you sure you haven?t made a mistake?

Jaina: NO! Check on the holonet.

Wedge: Jaina, you really need to get over this ex-boyfriend. There is a new guy in town.

Jaina: Please just check.

Wedge: Ok, but only because you?re destined to be my niece-in-law.

Jaina: Yuck!

Wedge: (checks on the holonet using the computer terminal that has miraculously appeared) No . . . no, I suspected as much. There is no record of anyone named Zekk. We?ve got Zanatos, Zaz, Zena and Zinj. But there is no Zekk on record.


Jiggy does the finger at Jaina behind Wedge?s back.


Jaina: I KNOW I?M RIGHT!!!!

Wedge: Jaina, I realise you?re a teenager and therefore morally obliged to be obnoxious. But you really are taking matters too far. Think how Jiggy feels - being separated from his family, abandoned by his only surviving family member, never writing, never calling . . .

Wedge bursts into tears.

Jiggy: (Goes over and hugs Wedge) Don?t worry, uncle. I?m here now. I?m going to bring over my sister for you to meet. You would like that wouldn?t you?

Wedge: Y ? Y ? YESSSS!

Jiggy: Her name is Zena. She?s named after your mum.

Wedge: Well she?s lucky I never named any of my kids after my mum. It would have looked really stupid if there were two Zena?s in our family ? just like one of those really bad look-alike episodes. I named my daughters after my beloved SISTER!!!! (Wedge starts wailing again).


Jiggy looks at Jaina for help.
Jaina does the finger.


Jiggy: I wonder if this scene will make the final cut into Ruin?


Wedge immediately stops crying and tries to look manly.


Wedge: Alright that?s about enough from you kids. Colonel, Lieutenant - stop this fighting immediately. If you?re going to be promoted to ranks far beyond your years, at least *pretend* like you deserve them.

Jiggy: Uncle, aren?t you retired?

Wedge: Yes. I?m just helping out with Rogue Squadron.

Jiggy: So you?re not really a General any more?

Wedge: Yes I am. I?m just not strictly a member of the military.

Jiggy: I suspected as much. That means that as currently serving


Inexplicably, Elegy arrives back on the Chimera rather than the Red Rooster.


Pellaeon: Who the hell are you?

Elegy: I?m the insane ambassador who went to negotiate with the Pong.

Pellaeon: First I?ve heard about it. How?d it go?

Elegy: Wonderful! I have successfully managed to negotiate a truce. All we have to do is hand over all existing Jedi.

Pellaeon: Not a problem. I see the Pong are as intelligent as the NR military is stupid. The Empire has been trying to do exactly the same thing for decades.

Elegy: Who are you, by the way?

Pellaeon: I?m the leader of the Empire.

Elegy: The Emperor?

Pellaeon: No, I?m a Grand Admiral.

Elegy: Thrawn?

Pellaeon: No, but he was my mentor.

Elegy: So how did you get the job?

Pellaeon: Thrawn died, I sat in his chair.

Elegy: That?s it?

Pellaeon: Everyone else was too scared of trying to get the blue fur off their white uniforms.



Corran: Elegy, you?ve returned!

Elegy: Do I know you?

Corran: We met about twenty years ago.

Elegy: Well I?ve met lots of people in the interim and you?ve never bothered to look me up so I think it?s safe to say we didn?t form any meaningful attachment.


Corran is still busy searching his limited vocabulary for a reply when Dorkus enters.


Elegy: Just the person I want to see!

Dorkus: Wait! Will what you have to say improve my political clout?

Elegy: Certainly!

Dorkus: In that case, sit down. We have a lot to talk about.

Elegy: Absolutely. As I told Pellaeon, I have negotiated a truce with the Pong.

Dorkus: Wonderful! When will they publicly announce their unconditional surrender?

Elegy: It?s not quite like that, Dorkus. This would be more of an alliance.

Dorkus: With whom as the dominant partner?

Elegy: Well since the Pong are clearly the stronger civilisation . . .

Dorkus: Never!

Elegy: They wish to help you eliminate the Jedi.

Dorkus: Really?

Elegy: Yes. They have developed a formula called Force Killer. It will render any Force user incapable of using the Force. And since everyone knows the Jedi don?t bother developing any skills that don?t require the Force, they would be helpless.

Dorkus: Interesting.

Elegy: This way you would actually be able to punish errant knights without having to fear the consequences.

Dorkus: I certainly see the potential.

Elegy: We could start distributing it immediately!

Dorkus: (sighs in disappointment) Oh Elegy! This is why you are such a pathetic politician. You fail to grasp even the most fundamental principles of politics. We can?t simply blind the Jedi. That would be far too easy. By battling them for decades until we?ve finally worn them down, we demonstrate the superiority of the political system over magicians - Power one has earned, fought and connived for, rather than simply being given to at birth. It?s a matter of democracy.

Elegy roars with laughter at the sound of Dorkus using the ?D? word.

Dorkus: If we can overcome Jedi despite their abilities, it proves that the ability to move rocks with your mind does not automatically make you capable of holding a position of responsibility. Now look at me: I?m not much of a looker; I have absolutely no Force capabilities; and yet because I have intelligence and ability, I am in a position of authority far exceeding anything Skywalker or the rest of his clowns will ever get. They?re merely soldiers - our indestructible warriors. They?re not doing anything that our own military can?t do, but they?re far less likely to be injured or killed in the process. And when you calculate the cost of training new bodies, that?s a hell of a saving.

Elegy: So basically you?re just an altruistic leader trying to balance the budget?

Dorkus: Among other things. My business card also identifies me as professional manipulator, turncoat, and conspirator. I also do children?s parties on the side.

Elegy: But my formula offers you a means of eliminating Jedi who do not comply with your wishes. It would provide you with great leverage, and it would be far less painful than having to worry about all the Force sensitive psychos out there.

Dorkus: Listen to yourself! You?re covered in blood and bruises, and *you* are lecturing *me* about pain!

Elegy: Under certain circumstances it is quite gratifying.

Dorkus: Especially when you?re demolishing a political opponent. After all the hours, days, weeks, and even years spent plotting against someone, to finally watch all your labours reach their fruitation makes it all worth while.

Elegy: What about my formulae? You said it would be useful.

Dorkus: And it will be - ensuring that I never have the complication of having a Jedi for a relative. Now that would be a conflict of interest!

Elegy: What about blinding any kids Luke and Mara have?

Dorkus: Hmmm, that would certainly have potential, but only if the effects can be reversed.

Elegy: Reversal is fatal.

Dorkus: Excellent! But don?t  

40.


The Pong are due to attack at any moment and yet the squabbling continues. What DID they do for an entire month?


Dorkus: But I want Traest to be in command of the fleet!

Pellaeon: Fine by me! Everyone knows that if we mess up here, the Empire is going to shoulder the blame.

Dorkus: Only in part. I want to drop the Jedi in it as well.

Traest: I don?t wanna be in command!

Dorkus: You have too. *HE* won?t follow my orders.

Traest: Nor am I in case you haven?t been listening.

Pellaeon: Why didn?t you bring up this subject a month ago?

Dorkus: And leave all the hard work to Traest so he couldn?t play sabbacc with me?

Traest: For which you still haven?t paid me.

Dorkus: Quit worrying. I?m a politician! I have the NR treasury at my disposal.

Pellaeon: I hate to interrupt but the Pong are attacking!

Traest: What? Already? Damn it! It?s too soon! WE NEED MORE TIME!!! It?s only been a month!


Pellaeon and Traest start screaming and running around in panic.


Dorkus: (starts wailing) I WANNA GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!


Jacen: I?m BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!

Luke: What are you doing?

Jacen: I was just inserting some realism into this story. Making everyone realise just how long we?ve had to prepare for this attack.

Luke: Please don?t do that. It makes everyone look incompetent.

Jacen: It?s a bit late for that.

Luke: Well, maybe if I vaped you we might be able to restore some credibility.

Jacen: Lukie, you can?t do that . . . .

Luke: I know, I know. It?s of the DARKSIDE!!!

Jacen: No. You?ll be irreparably harming the Jedi Order by depriving them of my august presence.

Luke: (snorting with derisive laughter) Most of the Jedi don?t even know who you are!

Jacen: (defensively) Yes they do! Where I lead, they follow.

Luke: Fine then. How about leading the attack against the Pong? Show us all how it?s done.

Jacen: Now, now Lukie. Great leaders send their people out to die but rarely put themselves in harm?s way because they know how lost and desolate everyone would be without them.

Luke: What about how lost and desolate *you* will be when everyone is dead from obeying your commands?

Jacen: Huh?

Luke: (rolling eyes) Never mind. Just get ready for battle. (Cutting of Jacen?s protests) Anakin is still WAY ahead of you in the Pong tally.



Previously in the Jedi Confession Ceremony . . . .


Luke: Right, we need as many Jedi to fight against the Pong as possible ? provided they aren?t off on other more important missions, or their appearance would require an acknowledgement of their existence. So, who have we got? Dyp?

Dyp: Death, destruction. Of the dark side are they!

Luke: And you would certainly know. Kam?


<No reply>


Corran: You can?t use him, he?s a comic character.

Luke: What do you mean I can?t use the head of the Jedi Academy and my right hand man? (Quickly continues before Corran can think to complain about the implied slight to his own position ? or lack of it - in the Jedi Order) Fine then! Kyle Katarn?


<A deathly frigid silence ensures>


Finally Anakin relieves Luke of his obvious confusion

Anakin: *THAT* is a Graphic Novel character. Besides, do you really want him here? He didn?t need you to train him. He did it all by himself.

Luke: You may have a point. OK, Ikrit!


<Snorts of laughter erupt from the Jedi>


Jacen: Uncie Luke! You can?t . . .

Luke: Don?t tell me! We can?t benefit from the knowledge and experience of the only surviving Old Republic Jedi Master because he was in a kiddies series. Great! Simply wonderful! So basically I only have a pack of genocidal maniacs and raw recruits to work with.

Corran: Hey! I resent that! I could defeat the entire Pong invasion single-handedly if only this wasn?t MAS?s farewell to the SWU.

Jacen: And yours as well, in case it?s slipped your mind. But I?m here for the long haul. (Groans echo throughout the room) And of course being the epitome of what a Jedi should be, you will all benefit from my wisdom and insight. Look to me for guidance, for inspir . . . .


Jacen breaks off in horror as he espies Dyp and a large portion of the Jedi making a sacrificial bonfire of the YJK series, Jacen?s crowning achievement in the EU. Immediately this scion of the new generation of Jedi, self-proclaimed spiritual leader and future head of the Jedi, runs over screaming hysterically, yelling incoherent threats about the horrendous punishments KJA will deal out to these blasphemers for such sacrilege.


Luke: (Watching Dyp try to throw a hysterical Jacen into the bonfire) At least Dyp is good for something. Well, lets see whom I?ve got to work with here. (Checks his list) Jorallen?


<Expectant silence>


Gunner: (Jumping up) *I* am Jorallen!


Jacen frantically hauls himself out of Dyp?s grasp and runs back to confront Luke and Gunner desperately clutching shreds of burnt paper to his chest.


Jacen: NO!!! *I* am Jorallen! I?m gonna get Danae! Really I am!

Gunner: HA! You haven?t even started developing facial hair yet. There?s no way you could pass for a George Clooney look-alike.

Jacen: Go look in the mirror, scar face. Your days as a significant character are numbered.

Gunner: Corran?s given me the number for a great cosmetic surgeon.

Jacen: And I could wear one of those Pong oogle leers.

Gunner: It would only change your appearance. Not your obnoxious personality.

Dyp: Shut up! I am Jorallen!

Anakin: Well if you can remodel yourself from a maniacal lunatic into a supposedly dashing hero there?s certainly no reason why I can?t be this mythical character.

Luke: (whining plaintively) Why can?t I be Jorallen?




Rogue Squadron has launched against the Pong. But before beginning their attack the important stuff has to be dealt with.


Gavin: OK gang. We?ve got to come up with really cool names for the Pong ships.

Jaina: I think we should name the big ships ?Colossus?.

Anni: Can?t do that. We?ll be shot as we try to spit out ?Colossuses? every other sentence.

Jaina: I don?t know what you?re so worried about. You?re not even going to survive the chapter.

Gavin: Shut up, you two. I?m naming the Pong ships ?Grand?, ?Salt? and ?Light?.

Jaina: That sounds like a McDonald?s Menu.

Gavin: You sound surprised. You know what lengths they'll go to to get new customers. In fact they?re the ones sponsoring our attack today. For us New Republic lackeys they've got a scratch and win contest where we can win varying levels of Pong worthiness. The trick of course being to figure out which you're better off being according to a complex system based on species, gender, race and beauty. For the Pong they?re selling Pong action figures with every kiddies meals. And to top it all off a grand sweep as to which of us gets killed.

Jaina: Well that explains the colours of our ships. The red and gold are a little hard to miss.

Gavin: Just remember to keep that banner flying behind your ship.

Rogue 2: What are the odds on the Token Alien being killed?

Gavin: Negligible.

Token Alien: Human males?

Gavin: Don?t waste your money.

Rogue 3: Females?

Gavin: Easy money.

Anni: Jaina?

The entire squadron roars with laughter.


Insert mindless rehash of X-Wing battle sequence from the X-Wing series, changing the pilots names.


Pong Crate above Iffy



Pong Crate Driver: Hey, there?s a ship over there, let?s fire!


Shiddee Dai: No! We can?t fire on that ship.


Pong Crate Driver: Why? We?re destroying every other ship in sight.


Shiddee Dai: That isn?t a battleship. It?s an Iffy herd ship. We have to send troops aboard to destroy anybody left.


Pong Crate Driver: Why not destroy it from here? Wouldn?t it be easier? It?s not like it has any defenses. One shot would do it.


Shiddee Dai: Pong don?t do easy. That and the fact we?re not human, and so naturally inclined to such inexplicable, not to mention moronic, behavior.


Pong Crate Driver: But . . .


Shiddee Dai: Oh, shut up! Can?t you see that sign painted on the side of the bloody ship saying: ?CAUTION. SKYWALKERS ONBOARD. HANDLE WITH CARE.? You know we?re not allowed to kill any main characters so we?ll just have to go on board so we can cull the herd.


Pong Crate Driver: Makes sense to me.





Iffy Herd Ship, the Teflon Base


DeadMeatTwilek'cor: Ani, will you put away your Gameboy? In case you haven?t noticed, we?re about to be attacked.


Anakin: Don?t call me Ani!


DeadMeatTwilek'cor: Well how do you think I feel about being sacrificed to teach you a lesson in self confidence only to have my fifteen minutes of fame butchered to the point where I?m only an afterthought?


Anakin: That sums up this book. An afterthought! Why bother putting any effort into the second installment when you?ve already got a guaranteed audience leftover from the first book?




Elsewhere on Teflon Base, Shiddee Dai has dropped his Pain Patrol off, with warnings about only killing anonymous Jeedai.


Pain Patrol Goon #1: Why aren?t we wearing our normal armor?

Pain Patrol Goon #2: Pong don?t do easy. With Iffy about to be destroyed we have to give the New Republic something vaguely resembling a victory.

PPG #1: Who gives a toss about the New Republic? Certainly not the Jedi!

PPG #2: Which is why they are the ones who get to have their egos stroked.

PPG#1: I don?t think I like being the sacrificial lamb.

PPG #2: Pong don?t do easy.

PPG#1: (Calls up the Pong Crate Driver) Don?t leave. We?re coming back. To hell with the Jedi. We?re out of here. Why die trying *not* to kill main characters when they?ll squirm their way of it some way else?

Pong Crate Driver: But Pong don?t do easy!

PPG#1: Shut up!




A short time later, still on the Teflon Base...


Anakin: Where are they? The Pong should be here by now.


DeadMeatTwilek'cor: I don?t know what you?re complaining about.


Anakin: Then you?re even more stupid than the usual alien female guest star. I?m not going to die, regardless of how bad things get. But Jacen is down on Iffy and guaranteed to see some action. If he gets ahead of me in the Pong tally I?m going to be more than a little annoyed.


DeadMeatTwilek'cor: And why should I care?


Anakin: Because I?m a Skywalker and we?re prone to bouts of genocide. (Eyes DeadMeatTwilek'cor grimly) Pity the person who is nearby when that happens.



Iffy

Shiddee Dai and his contingent of Pain Patrol Goons are strolling through their latest acquisition. As they approach a building they notice a sign: THIS WAY TO JEEDAI ==>

Shiddee Dai: Oooh! Oooh! Look! Jeedai this away! Let?s go!

Pain Patrol Goon: How do we know this isn?t a trap?

Shiddee Dai: Because Jedi would never set an ambush. Think of the blood shed that would ensure. That would be of the DARKSIDE!

Pain Patrol Goon: I?m still suspicious . . .

Shiddee Dai: Look, it couldn?t possibly be a trap. Look at the spelling: J-E-E-D-A-I. Only Pong and the Pongafied spell it that way. It?s a secret sign. Despite the fact that we speak Basic with a distinct accent, Jedi is the only word that is spelt phonetically to represent the difference in pronunciation. Therefore, by spelling it this way, it must be a sign left by one of the other Pain Patrols!

Pain Patrol Goon: Why didn?t they just call you up on a Villi-lip?

Shiddee Dai: How many times do you have to be told: *Pong don?t do easy!* Now go and kill the Jedi . . .

Pain Patrol Goon: Er . . .

Shiddee Dai: JEEDAI! Now go!


The Pain Patrol runs wildly into the building that promptly explodes, destroying the entire contingent.


Shiddee Dai: Oops. I didn?t do it. (Moves away, whistling innocently)

Meanwhile over Iffy, while the Pong warships have adapted their shields and voids against NR tactics, for some inexplicable reason the coral skippers have not done the same. Unfortunately, this means that not only are Jaina and Jiggy?s lives NOT in danger, but the false hope that Dorkus might meet an ugly end at the hands of the Pong is dangled in front of the readers. On the bright side, thanks to the butchering of Ruin, this means that we are not inflicted with any hair-raising scenes as Jaina ?narrowly? escapes with her life!


The Chimaera

Pellaeon gazes up at Thrawn's carcass, hanging over the command chair.


Pellaeon: Help me Thrawn! You?re my only hope!


<Thrawn pelt is disturbingly silent>


Pellaeon: Damn it! Help me, man!


A dreaded hush spreads over the bridge


Pellaeon: Um . . . Chiss. Of course! That?s what I meant!


<Thrawn pelt stares down silently>


Pellaeon: Smurf?


<Still no response>


Pellaeon: I?M DOOMED!!!!!

Teflon Base

Anakin: (Banging on the shuttle bay doors) LEMEIN!!! That moron Jacen is going to overtake me in Pong kills!

Mara: Why don?t you just use the Force to open the doors?

Anakin: Because that?s improper usage of the Force. Besides, this way I can express my anger and frustration without some idiot lecturing me about the Dark Side. Not that *YOU* would be stupid enough to do that, would you Auntie dear? Never having actually used the Dark Side yourself.

Mara: Um . . . yeah . . . right . . . . How about we just cut through the doors using our lightsabres?

Anakin: If the lightsabre is the weapon of a Jedi knight, wouldn?t it be improper to use it for such a mundane task?

Mara: Not if I say it?s alright.


(Flashback)

Iffy

Gunner and Jacen are planning the ambush for the Pong.


Gunner: Jacen, why aren?t you preaching about the dangers of the dark side with this trap of ours?

Jacen: Why would I? After all, it?s not like we?re striving for consistency here. Do you think I can add the Pong who die in this ambush to my tally?

Gunner: Is that all you?re concerned about, beating your brother? What about all the lives that are at stake?

Jacen: What lives? We?re Jedi - and we have names! We aren?t going to die!

Gunner: I meant all the refugees who are depending upon us to save them.

Jacen: Are they rich?

Gunner: No. They wouldn?t be here if they were.

Jacen: Are there any females?

Gunner: Sure.

Jacen: Pretty?

Gunner: Possibly, but I doubt they?re so desperate yet that they?d have anything to do with you.

Jacen: (pouting) Then I?m not interested. (pauses for a moment, looking up at the sky)

Gunner: What?s the matter?

Jacen: Oh, nothing. Just another scene being butchered to the point where yet another death that was supposed to be meaningful has been rendered pointless.


Meanwhile over Iffy


Anni?s Ghost: Jaina!

Jaina: Shut up!

Anni?s Ghost: Come on, girl! You?re supposed to be all teary-eyed over my death.

Jaina: (vaping another coral skipper) Why? I barely mourned over what?s-his-name, you know, that Wookie. Why would I bother about some stranger I had less that a page?s worth of screen time with?

Anni?s Ghost: You?ll regret this.

Jaina: Whatever. Say hello to my grandfather for me.


Iffy


Corran: (Has a distinctly maniacal look in his eye) Shiiidddeee Daaaiii!!!!!!!! *SSHHIIIIDDEE DDDDDAAAAAIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!*

Jacen: Shut up, you lunatic. I need to find some Pong to kill. I?m going to teach my upstart little brother the consequences of showing up his elders.


Corran: When I find this perfidious Pong, he is going to rue the day he ever crossed Corran Horn. To hell with this defensive offensive nonsense! What could possibly be worse than such an obvious attempt to steal away my supporters? As if I am some unimportant, ineffectual EU lackey, that I would overlook such a slight! Someone has obviously forgotten to tell this Pong that his contract expires at the end of this book.


Jacen: What did you say? Corran, you nut, *your* contract expires in five chapters time. You can?t save yourself from oblivion. You had an entire series dedicated to you. Now it?s my turn.


Corran: Oh great and wise Jedi! When will you realise the galaxy does not revolve around you?


Jacen: I?m not that ambitious! I merely want the Expanded Universe to stop wasting time on you old folk and centre in on the real hero.


Corran: And just who would that be?


Jacen: Why myself, of course!


Corran: Well, maybe if you?re really lucky you might rate a mention in your siblings? solo novels.


After the Pong bypass the Jedi ambush on the Teflon Base, the scorned Jedi have made it down to Iffy and are in search of vindication for their bruised egos.

Mara and Anakin come across Dyp and Wurthless in a tight situation against four Pong.



Anakin: Good thing we got here in time.

Mara: Isn?t it? If we had got here five minutes later the galaxy would be rid of two major irritations.

Anakin: If you hate Dyp so much, why don?t you just kill him yourself?

Mara: Luke won?t let me.

Anakin: And you won?t let him use the Force without toppling over with exhaustion. How appropriate.

Mara: Doesn?t matter. Wurthless? time here is limited, and far better that Dyp meets a highly embarrassing and even more publicised end somewhere else rather than on some grubby little backwater planet.


Barf Tree: Grubby? Backwater? My home this is! (And promptly sprays the pair with the dreaded barf pollen)


Mara: We?re really going to have to do something about these trees! Oooo! My stomach is swelling. Just how it?ll be if Luke and I ever manage to behave like a normal couple.

Anakin: (Trying desperately to remove *that* image from his mind) Sooo . . . are we going to step in and save their skins, or just stand here making belittling remarks - not that there?s anything wrong with that!

Mara: Ani, Ani! You still have so much to learn. We don?t need to *physically* step in to save those two. The mere presence of two major characters automatically saves them. How many characters are actually killed in our presence, after all? It?s all done when we?re off screen. Plus, by not actually stepping in, they might still be seriously injured!

Anakin: Makes sense to me, but stop calling me Ani!



Iffy

Jacen, Corran and the Jedi Jungle Taskforce are doing their best to rip off the speeder bike scene from Return of the Jedi.


Jacen: Corran, just put on the helmet, will you? Everyone knows it won?t protect you. But it will cover up the worst of your barf pollen reaction.

Corran: And pinning cinnamon buns to the side of your head might distract people from the size of your inflated ego.

Jacen: Corran, I won?t take that comment to heart. You?re angry. And that?s of the *DARKSIDE*!

Corran: If I were going to go dark side I would have done it weeks ago and put you out of everyone?s misery.
 Elsewhere on Iffy, Anakin is fighting against four Pong.


Anakin: I have you now!

Pong: Ha! We fooled you little boy! We aren?t actually Pong warriors, but mere Pong pets.

Anakin: Huh? The script clearly states I am fighting Pong.

Pong: But Pong what?

Anakin: Sooooo . . . I can?t use the Force to sense real Pong or to manipulate them - although I can throw things at them - but only when Auntie dear isn?t around so I won?t risk falling asleep. But it?s business as usual with Pong pets, unless of course Mara is still around, in which case I still need to avoid having my ear bent about appropriate Force usage.

Pong: Yeah, that?s right!

Anakin: Well, this just sucks! I?m not going to waste my time on puny little Pong wannabes. I need *real* Pong.

Pong: I am so a real Pong! I was deemed worthy and purified. I was officially Pongafied!

Anakin: Fine then! I?ll just rack up enough violent deaths so this chapter will end.

Pong: Foolish boy! You can?t defeat . . . . (The Pong turns around and decapitates his four colleagues.

Anakin: What the hell . . . ?

Mara: ANAKIN!!! Did you use the Force?

Anakin: And risk another lecture from you? Hell, no!

Mara: Well someone did!

Anakin: (Looking behind Mara) Uh-oh!

Mara: (Turns around and gasps in horror) LUKE!!! HOW DARE YOU USE THE FARCE? After everything I?ve taught you! (Luke cowers in fear) Manipulating that poor little Pong into killing his friends. *AND WHY HAVEN?T YOU FALLEN ASLEEP?*
  Still on Iffy!


Jacen: No, no, no, no NO!!!! You must kill Pong using your lightsabres. Shooting them with blasters is unacceptable. By killing them up close and personal, it stops you from feeling so distant and isolated from the lives you are taking.

Jedi Extra #1: But you just killed a Pong warrior with the blaster cannons on your speeder!

Jedi Extra #2: And why are the vast majority of your celebrated family fighter pilots? You own a X-Wing. Does that mean YOU are tainted with the Dark side?

Jedi Extra #3: Why is it mandatory for Rogue Squadron to always contain at least one Jedi?

(Hapen) Jedi Extra #4: You?re not going to use this argument next time you visit Correlia, are you?
  
Tele-Pong Outlet


Corran: Hi, I?d like to make a mobile call using a Villi-lip.

Tele-Pong Customer Service Operator: Certainly, sir! Whom would you like to contact?

Corran: That perfidious Pong, Shiddee Dai!

Pong Customer Service Operator: Wonderful! And the nature of your call?

Corran: Blackmail, extortion, death threats - the usual crowd. Oh, and I?ll need a video hook up so I can show him the bag of Pong bones that I?m going to threaten him with.

Pong Customer Service Operator: Right away, sir.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Elsewhere on Iffy


Pain Patrol Goon: Master, we have an incoming call from Elegy.

Shiddee Dai: Put him through! (grabs his Villi-lip) Elegy! How did your meeting go?

Corran: Sorry, Elegy is currently indisposed. He?s learning the consequences of defying Corran Horn.

Shiddee Dai: Isn?t that of the dark side, Jeedai?

Corran: (shrugging) Possibly, but it?s great for the ratings!

Shiddee Dai: What do you want?

Corran: A full head of hair, about half my current waistline . . . oh, and a brain would be nice!

Shiddee Dai: Huh?

Corran: I have your ancestor?s bones. Let me kill you and I?ll give them to you!

Shiddee Dai: Are you completely mad? What use would they be to me when I?m dead?

Corran: I?m not sure. But it certainly continues this father fetish I?ve had since the XW series.

Shiddee Dai: Don?t waste my time. I?m busy wiping out your Jeedai and the NR fleet.

Corran: What about the Empire?

Shiddee Dai: What?s the matter? Worried that your new allies might bail out on you?

Corran: I?ll trade you Iffy for the bones.

Shiddee Dai: What makes you think I?m interested in those bones?

Corran: You have to be! It?s one of the few subplots linking Ruin to Onslaught. And more importantly, it?s the vital link between the NJO and the Prequel eras. You *have* to want these bones. You?ve got no idea how much is riding on it!

Shiddee Dai: Your credibility?


Corran is left stammering for a moment


Shiddee Dai: Bring Elegy and I will kill you.

Corran: And if I kill you, your treacherous, back-stabbing sidekick will evacuate the area and find a different planet to invade.

Shiddee Dai: This is a ridiculous deal since you will only be exchanging the destruction of one planet for another, and it will only be a temporary reprieve.

Corran: This is the EU! We?ve still getting used to this whole continuity thing, don?t expect too much from us just yet.

Shiddee Dai: When will we fight?

Corran: A month?

Shiddee Dai: You?re joking, right? We gave you a month to prepare for our attack here, what use would another month be?

Corran: I want to fight under a full moon.

Shiddee Dai: That can be arranged.

Corran: Oh . . .

Shiddee Dai: Seven days. Bring Elegy.



Aboard the Red Rooster


Luke: I wannabe Corran?s second!

Jacen: Uncie Luke! I thought you disapproved of this. That it was of the DARK SIDE!

Luke: *You* disapprove of it. *You* said it was of the Dark Side. What you think I said was probably just your own whining reverberating off me. Remind me never to place you in a position where you are responsible for people?s lives. Yes, I think a duel for control of this planet is absurd. We sacrificed Agamar so we would have enough time to defend Iffy, but we didn?t even get close. What possible reason would the Pong have for honouring their agreement if Shiddee Dai loses? We all know Dorkus won?t.

Dorkus: I resent that! If you start stealing my arguments thus proving that there is actually logic behind what I've been saying, then I?ll stop being the bad guy that everyone loves to hate! The whole basis upon which my hate club stands is the fact that I oppose the Jedi. If we actually agree upon something, I'll be reduced to yet another non-human trusty sidekick who is forced to sacrifice themselves in the name of Jedi glory.

Jacen: (grinning maliciously) Don't you mean Skywalker/Solo glory? It's not as if the other Jedi are getting any serious airtime.

Luke: Jacen, this whole galactic invasion is not being staged to increase our prestige. People are dying.

Jacen: (shrugging) They're not human. They're not Jedi. And most importantly, I don't know them.

Luke: (sighs in exasperation) I wonder, if Yavin 4 were in jeopardy you would be as free and easy with it's inhabitants as you are with other people's lives and homes?

Jacen: But Uncle Luke, *the people dying aren't Jedi!* And even the few that are, aren't even human! Why agonise over a bunch of useless dead people?

Luke: Let's see how you feel when you have the blood of millions on your hands.

Jacen: Not a problem! 'Deny everything' is my motto. And shunting all the emotional guilty onto the little brother is great fun.

Dorkus: (Has been taking copious notes during this entire exchange) Wonderful! This is more like it. Now all you have to do is sanction this duel.

Luke: But it's just so *stupid*. How can you expect me to support it?

Dorkus: Oh, let me think! Because you just said you wanted to be Corran?s second!

Luke: I don?t have a choice in the matter. Look at how little screen time I?m getting. Corran?s my age. If he starts going into battle instead of me, I may as well just go jump on my funeral pyre and set light to it!

Corran and Jacen?s eyes simultaneously light up at the thought.


Luke (rolling his eyes): Why don?t you have any so-called allies like these, who are constantly waiting to stab you in the back.

Dorkus: (Highly offended) Sir, *I* am a politician! *I* am the one who does the under-handed backstabbing, thank you very much!

Luke: Want to give me some tips on how to deal with these two?

Dorkus: (peers speculatively at the guilty pair) Why not! But just between you and me, I?d be far more worried about that Sith you?re married to.



Previously, during the First Battle For Iffy (hey, if DR can have massive plot holes, and introduce new characters and plots without warning, why shouldn?t I get to mess with the timeline!):


At an unspecified time and place in the Iffy War.


Anakin and DeadMeatTwilek'cor are fighting Pong.


<insert the usual cliched fight scene where the hero is seemingly headed for defeat and certain death. DeadMeatTwilek'cor has just lost her weapon and is lying on her back, looking up at a Pong amphistaff. >


Still under the influence of his former captor, Anakin runs to save the life of his best friend (Tahiri hasn?t been mentioned in the NJO series at this point so we won?t bother with details.)

Hoping to force the Pong to retreat, Anakin uses that ultimate weapon:
NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Strangely enough, this just warns the Pong of the approaching danger and puts him/her on their guard.

With his brain aching from having to use the Force and worrying about why the Pong didn?t retreat for fear of him, AND being angry about his friend?s injuries, Anakin is close to the --- DARK SIDE!!!!! Will he fall? (Drum rolling heightens a supposedly suspenseful moment!)














     Darth Obvious refuses to put in an appearance citing problems with the cliched script, so Anakin steps into the breach by having an epiphany:

(In soliloquy)
Anakin: A true Jedi isn?t concerned with what he can do to the enemy but what evil he can prevent the enemy from inflicting.


DeadMeatTwilek'cor: (rudely shattering the illusion that no one else could hear this important revelation) Sounds good, but shouldn?t it be a little more gender neutral? I may only be the token alien female, but shouldn?t you at least pretend that some of the hundred unidentified Jedi are female?

Anakin: Probably, but since we?ll all have forgotten about it by the next book, it hardly matters. When Wimpy Luke is running the show, we?re not allowed to distract the Pong from their pillaging.

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: (still has the amphistaff at her neck, with the attached Pong politely waiting until the pair?s conversation ends) It does seem a little ridiculous. It makes these supposedly heroic sacrifices by Jedi and established characters seem pointless. Of course, that doesn?t stop Master Skywalker from saving your idiot brother when he disobeys orders, tries to mount a coup to overthrow him and ends ass-up on a Pong rack instead. Maybe someone should stand up and expose his hypocrisy?

Anakin: Does that mean you want me to let this Pong make a martyr of you?

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: (eyes the Pong nervously) We should save Iffy first and then expose Jedi hypocrisy. No need to let people die needlessly! 
Iffy (after Corran and Shiddee Dai?s truce)


Anakin (scratching his head in confusion): Why aren?t you dead?

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: Don?t overwhelm me with your happiness to see me alive and well! Particularly since you were the one who saved my life.

Anakin: But you?re supposed to die! That?s the whole reason you made it into Ruin! You can?t just . . . survive!

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: So basically you need to add my death to the rest of the emotional baggage you?re already carrying around?

Anakin: Hey, don?t play dirty with me! Logic has no place in this argument.

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: (grumbling under her breath) Or the EU.

Anakin: Die!

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: Make me!

Anakin: And give Jacen enough cannon fodder to lecture me for the rest of my life about the dangers of the Dark Side?

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: Jacen slipped me a few thousand credits to try and make you go Dark Side because of my death. Want to disappoint him?

Anakin: Jacen paid you money to die? That doesn?t really make sense.

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: But no more than anything else he does, right?

Anakin: Well, I certainly don?t see why I should be the one who gets stuck with agonising over all the bad things that are happening, while Jacen continues to bury his head in the sand and pretend he is the epitome of the Jedi.

<An awkward silence ensures>

Anakin: (whispering) It?s your turn. You?re supposed to think of some witty exit line so we can finish the scene.

DeadMeatTwilek'cor: (whispering back) Think up your own joke. I?m just the dumb alien female. I may be a Jedi, but surely it?s too much to expect that I possess intelligence as well.

Del-Ray Complaints Tribunal

There is a seemingly endless queue of complainants ranging from Palpatine's clones in Dark Empire, come to sue TZ for slander in HoT; to Thrawn (the original) who is intent on suing his clone for breach of copyright in HoT by not only stealing his identity but then insulting his intelligence by not even doing anything useful with it.

Gunner pushes in front of Chewbacca to head the line just as court opens for the day, and is led into a poor-man's version of the Ranch's throne room. Seated on a paltry wooden throne is the CDRO


Gunner: (frowning) They said this was the court room.

CDRO: It is. I am the lord of the EU!

Gunner: I thought TZ claimed that title for himself. And so did DB by virtue of the fact that he created the GFFA. And then there?s KJA who seems to think that title belongs to him on the basis that quantity outweighs quality.

CDRO: I own the EU.

Gunner: What about LFL?

CDRO: I paid serious money for this position and I'm not relinquishing control to anyone. I create these stories and LFL can only over ride me if they have a good reason.

Gunner: Brave words when no one?s around to contradict you. What sort of stuff do they override you on?

CDRO: I have no idea. As long as it keeps raking in the money, DB couldn't care less what we do with his brainchild.

Gunner: So you would be the guy to talk to about getting more work?

CDRO: (puffs out his chest proudly) I would.

Gunner: Great! So what's the deal with Knightfall ? I was promised a series of my own. But ever since I got this scar rumours have been flying all over the place. First, I hear that some new guy has gotten the role. Then that Jacen has stolen it. And then that the entire series has been scrapped.

CDRO: I can certainly understand why you're distressed. With seven Skywalkers and Solos to cater for -and with an eighth on the way - worthwhile roles for anyone else are certainly scarce.

Gunner: This is my problem. So far most new characters in the NJO have been red-shirts. I don't have a red-shirt!

CDRO: That's very observant of you.

Gunner: Thank you. It was, wasn't it? People are not nearly so appreciative of me as I think they should. So . . . uh . . . where was I?

CDRO: Red shirts.

Gunner: Of course! Since my death doesn?t appear to be planned for anytime soon, I must be here for a reason. They wouldn't just create me and then discard me on the wayside like a disused toy.

CDRO: (Nods his head sympathetically)

Gunner: I don't want to be typecast as a MAS character. I need to show the other writers I have what it takes to make it in the big league.

CDRO: I hear you. But Gunther . . .

Gunner: (crestfallen) Gunner

CDRO: I'm sorry. Gunner . The problem, Gunner, is that there simply aren?t enough roles to go around. Not only are the new characters having to fight it out with Bantam characters for positions, but even the regulars are upset about how little screen time they are getting .

Gunner: (sarcastically) My heart bleeds.

CDRO: Except for Mara Jade. She's getting loads of screen time.

Gunner: Sith b*****!

CDRO: It's Han and Leia that are the problem. They've spent the last month in here bending my ear about why an EU creation and Jedi imposter should not be getting more coverage than original characters.

Gunner: So why is she?

CDRO: Well, just between the two of us, I just don't think having a virgin birth for the new generation of Skywalkers would go down too well with the fans.

Gunner: (frowning) But there are already three new Skywalkers out there!

CDRO: But they don?t have that all important Skywalker label.

Gunner: So?

CDRO: So we need to strengthen the OT link with the NJO as much as we can. We need the Skywalker name. Plus, this is Fantasy. Females have no place in it except for producing the heir. Only a son in a direct line of male succession can continue the Skywalker legacy.

Gunner: And wha …...............  Meanwhile, on the Red Rooster, in the fast thinking fashion of the self-professed Force?s gift to womankind, Corran has only just realised that not only will this duel NOT save him from exile from the NJO, but with MAS' own impending departure, it just might kill him.


Corran calls up the CDRO . . . .

Corran: Show a little backbone. Everyone knows the EU is a load of second rate crap. How long do you think it will be before even the Star Wars label isn't enough to pull people in. Take a new and exciting direction. I have TWO children who are old enough to take over major story lines. You'll be able to put them into action immediately. No waiting years for them to grow up.

CDRO: Sorry. Not interested. The Slycrawler has already indicated that he will be available for action immediately after birth. After all, Anakin Solo was saving the galaxy while still in his mother's womb. This kid has no intention of being outdone by a KJA creation.




Corran: Help me, Pong, you're my only hope. Your retention rate of evil, maniacal leaders is appalling. I'll be your leader. With a handsome, human, male Jedi in charge, you'll be guaranteed success.

Pong: We're already winning.




Corran: I'll be your Master!
Anakin: Why? I'm already ranked as Knight in the Dramatis Personae even though I?m identified as an apprentice in the books. And by the way, why aren't you ranked as a Master?

Corran hangs up.




Corran calls Jacen.

Jacen is too busy admiring his reflection in the mirror to answer.




Corran decides to make one last effort by going straight to the top.


Corran: . . . . . . and that, oh Supreme, Magnificent One, oh Overseer of the Universe, is why I should be kept in the EU.

DB: Are you serious? Why would I want an amoral, over the hill, power hungry halfwit as my surrogate?

Corran: Because we have all of the above traits in common?
  
Seven days have passed. It's the day of the big show down. What has happened in this period? Nothing of any importance apparently since it was thrown out with Siege.

Every cliche imaginable has been employed for this grand finale. So obviously it's got to be something really special. After all, MAS would never let his Mary Sue?s grand exit be a shoddy, second-rate disappointment - would he?



Corran, with Luke as his second, has finally decided on a spot to hold the duel after discovering that Shiddee Dai had not mentioned where this male battle of - well, something - was to be held.


Luke: You would think that even if a person was stupid enough to agree to a duel for control of a planet that they really wanted destroyed, they would at least have the foresight to arrange a location for this puerile little get-together.

Corran: (Carefully combing all six strands of hair back into position after the long walk) You whine almost as much as Jacen. You must get it from your mother's side. Darth Vader would never behave like that.

Luke: Don't talk to me like that! I'm your Master! And with your impending departure from the EU, you'd best not upset me. After all, think of all the things I could tell any potential employers you send to me for reference checks.

Corran: Just tie Elegy to the tree.

Luke: Why?

Corran: Because that's what people do when they fight duels! The beautiful maiden is tied to the railway tracks or dangled over a lava pit, while the hero and villain fight it out.

Luke: (yawning) And just who is the villain and who is the hero in this scenario?

Corran: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Luke: This isn't I,Jedi, Corran. Your days of preaching are over. Jacen dishes it out to me these days. Apparently he's bought the rights from Mara.



A short time later, Shiddee Dai arrives on the scene with his second, Dainty Lame.


Shiddee Dai: (sees Elegy tied to a (non-Barf) Iffy tree) ELEGY!

Elegy: Don't do it, Shiddee! Save yourself!

Shiddee Dai: I'll never leave you, Elegy! We made plans. This low life Jedi . . . .

Corran and Luke: JEEDAI!!!!

Shiddee Dai (glaring at the pair): . . . Jeedai . . . won't take you away from me.

Corran: In case it?s escaped your attention, Shiddee Dai, Elegy left you and returned to me.

Shiddee Dai: He did not! He was only trying to prevent further bloodshed. Give me Elegy and no one gets hurt.

Corran: Never! The only way to Elegy is through me!

Shiddee Dai: You lunatic! Is keeping Elegy really worth the destruction of an entire planet?


Corran, having an extremely short memory, pauses to consider this.


Corran: Ummm . . . . (Luke Force-shoves Corran in his previously Barf pollen inflated stomach) . . . Of course it is! Love and loyalty know no bounds!


Luke, Shiddee Dai, Elegy, and Dainty Lame all feign puking.


Corran stirs up a Force Storm.

Luke: Er, Corran?
Corran: What?
Luke: Can?t do that.
Corran: But . . . !
Luke: No.


Corran rips a tree out of the ground using the Force and is about to throw it at Shiddee Dai.

Luke: Corran, are you going to fall asleep after doing this?
Corran: Don?t be ridiculous!
Luke: Then stop it now.


Corran pauses for a moment to try and think of something really devious that will destroy Shiddee Dai but not upset Luke.



Well, ok, I lied. Since this is Corran we?re dealing with, obviously it takes him quite a few moments.


Corran walks up to Shiddee Dai, who eyes him suspiciously. Suddenly Corran yanks off Shiddee Dai?s golden loin cloth to reveal a tattoo that leaves absolutely no doubt about the nature of Shiddee Dai?s regard for Elegy


Dainty Lame shrieks in horror and promptly starts strangling Shiddee Dai.


Luke: Corran! How can arranging a murder be more acceptable than killing that individual yourself?

Corran: It isn?t. But if you?re terrified of the Dark Side taking over me if I kill Shiddee Dai myself, then the next best thing is watching him get his arse kicked.


The Jedi pause curiously to watch the aforementioned arse-kicking


Luke: (shaking himself out of his bemused reverie) NO! Assassinations are of the Dark Side!

Corran: That?s not fair! Dainty Lame isn?t using the Force!

Luke: I meant YOU!

Corran: (playing the innocent) But I?m not using the Force to make Dainty Lame kill Shiddee Dai. I didn?t even use it to pull off that ridiculous loincloth! And that?s nothing more than any school kid would do.

Luke: But . . . but . . . it?s of the DARK SIDE!

Corran: I didn?t use the Force! So how can it be of the Dark Side?

Luke: It?s the intent!

Corran: You intended to kill the Pong forces that landed here on Iffy. And what about that ambush? How many unsuspecting Pong did you kill there? That must?ve been Dark Side as well. (Adopting an injured air) I?m just trying to save a planet here!

Luke: (nearly besides himself in frustration) BUT WE DON?T WANT TO SAVE THE PLANET!

Corran: (pretending to wipe away tears of hurt) And now you?re yelling at me. What sort of intent is that?

Luke: You were the one howling about the Barf pollen! I haven?t even seen its effects.

Corran: That can be arranged, Farm Boy!

Luke: Ha! Intent! Intent!

Corran: You want revenge do you? What sort of Jedi Master are you?

Luke: Whatever type I am, it?s more than you?ll ever be!

Corran: I have to destroy Shiddee Dai. It?s my last chance to keep myself in the EU. He?s slandered my good name and I demand satisfaction.

Luke: Well, you disinterred his grandfather?s bones to try and force a fight, and he wasn?t interested. But you have managed to get his attention by holding your own friend hostage . . . . Why exactly did I make you a Jedi?

Corran: I?ve got no idea. It happened during the YKJ and JJK era that divides Bantam and DelRey. Adults have no place in that time period.

Luke: I was there!

Corran: I rest my case. It was obviously a highly formative period as you de-evolved into Wimpy Luke.

Luke: Why you . . . !

Corran: Look, this fighting is pointless. Is there anything I can do that won?t involve the Dark Side taking over me.

Luke: (still seething) I could get Jacen to answer that question for you. I?m sure his reply would be far more involved - and hysterical.

Corran: Can I at least do the old-fashioned lightsabre battle?

Luke: Of course not! How could killing someone in close combat using the Force possibly be more acceptable than killing them at a distance using the Force?

Corran: (glaring at him) Nice argument. Can I be there when you explain it to Mara?

Luke: (visibly balking at that thought) . . . . But under the circumstances I think I could allow it just this once.



Meanwhile, shamelessly undeterred by such an important philosophical debate, Shiddee Dai and Dainty Lame


Dainty Lame and Luke are left victors of the battlefield as Corran has degenerated into a hysterical heap, struggling to overcome Elegy's potent Force Killer Formulae.


Luke: Soooooo, Corran lost since he didn?t get Elegy.

Dainty Lame: But he did defeat Shiddee Dai in combat, so although Elegy escaped, Corran did actually win.

Luke: No, I disagree. Corran wasn?t using the Force in an acceptable manner

Dainty Lame: According to whom?

Luke: My wife.

Dainty Lame: So why wasn?t she here to supervise you both?

Luke: Well, she?s kind of indisposed at the moment.

Dainty Lame: (leeringly) Is she going to die?

Luke: Don?t be ridiculous. Her last minute recovery will be accomplished in a trite, totally illogical, and yet supposedly moving manner.

Dainty Lame: By whom?

Luke: Why myself, of course! After all her sanctimonious, self-righteous lectures about not over-using the Force, this will give me enough ammunition to shut her up for decades!

Dainty Lame: Do you think she realizes that if she weren?t so narrow minded she would be able to cure herself.

Luke: That?s my wife you?re talking about!

Dainty Lame: So stop me!


Luke tries to choke Dainty Lame using the Force and promptly falls asleep.