3.

Luke gives Mara a hug.
Mara: DONT HUG ME! don't you know I HATE being hugged and I HATE how you are loving with me!? I'm very insecure and stupid, so please! I have to whine and bitch about ANYTHING, so if you didn't hug me and weren't loving with me, I'd bitch and whine about that too! so Luke, get over it-no matter what you do, I'll criticize you for it!
Luke: Oh, sorry my sweet petal of joy, you are so great and beautiful, I love you so much!
Mara: yeah, sure, whatever you say Skywalker!
Luke: you complete me.
Mara: okay farmboy.
Luke looks at her.
Mara: quit being in my mind again!
Luke: huh? what are you talking about? all I did was look at you!
Mara: don't you know I have a never-ending "period"???!?!?!?!??! you can't look at me! you're my husband, but that doesn't mean I'll treat you well or care about you!
Luke: of course I do, I just try to ignore it, after all, I'm with you for your looks, OBVIOUSLY.
Mara: ohh...ok...right hunny...HEY, wait a minute!!!! *Mara ROARS* who told you that you had the RIGHT to speak in my precense?! and that you had the RIGHT to express an opinion!? if it's not MY opinion, NOT something I said or believe or feel-then it's NOT right, Skywalker! I can't call you Luke, Skywalker! It would mean that I'd be "weak" and not "tough"!
Luke: oh, sorry my dear sweetie.
Mara: that's more like it! now go jump off the window and don't use your force powers! that's WEAK!
Luke: yes hunny, you are right. I will do as you say, you are always right, even though you are a nobody and will never be as powerful as me, hell, you really don't have any noble jedi traits and dangle more on the darkside than ANY other "jedi".
Mara: yes, I know, but you are supposed to overlook that and stuff, DUH! you idiot! you don't know how to use the force! heck, I don't either, but I'll pretend like I do and I'M THE BOSS, therefore what I say goes, even if it's wrong and I don't know what I'm talking about!
Luke: of course sunshine, of course.

okay, sorry that was lame...


Leia: hi Jaina, how are you?
Jaina: why bother asking? it's not like...you care! why would you ask! I mean...the fact that you ask...shows that you don't care! you were never there for me! EVER!
Leia: um...I ask because I care sweetie!
Jaina: no, you just ask...because...you THINK you care! but you don't!
Leia: yes I do care! you are my child!
Jaina: MOOOOOOMMM!!! stop ruining it! I'm a brat and I'm spoiled and COMPLETELY immature and stupid! Yes, I've had everything handed down to me and have had many opportunities trillions and trillions of beings in the galaxy would never have and you've been there for me and put your life on the line for me, but hey, I'm going to be a brat anyways! boo hoo! you work too much! waaaaahhhh! you never ask how I'm doing! you're never there for my problems!
Leia: I ask how you are, and you usually turn me away...
Jaina: no I don't!
Leia: yes you do...I ask how you are doing and stuff, and you always say you are ok and nothing is wrong, even though I go in deeper and ask and try to make sure, you turn me away...
Jaina: that's because you don't care! you're supposed to keep asking and bugging me about it, even though you won't get anywhere because I'm a stupid stubborn spoiled teenager! I wouldn't answer to you!
Leia: eh...okay...whatever Jaina, whatever...this isn't going anywhere...
Jaina: of course not! YOU DONT CARE!!! WAAAAAHHHHH!!! why don't you ask 3po or Chewie or Winter to talk to me about it? you don't care! sure, you put me away on Anoth and New Alderaan in a super-secured area, but you weren't there, therefore...you probably didn't care or something! are you listening to me? you don't CARE!!!!
*runs off waving hands around like a silly and crying at the same time WAAAHHHH MY MOMMIE DOESNT CARE BOOOO HOOOOO WAAAAHHH*... 
Luke was holding another unofficial council meeting today. Once again he held it near running water. Today, in addition to the running water, there were spurting fountains. Mara suspected that held significance. Something told her the evening held excitement and she was looking forward to it.

Luke: "Okay, which obscure Jedi students are we going to mention at this meeting?"
Seagull: "Well, there is Day-Glow Jasmin. He is still hiding among the Hutts looking for information."
Anakin: "That's a smelly job."
Luke: "What about his family? He has one doesn't he?"
Seagull: "Yes. His wife Tinny and son Tee have escaped to Cashmere."
Mara: (to herself) "Talk about going into another religious warzone."
Anakin: "I hope they bathed before leaving, otherwise the Pong will be able to track that Hutt smell halfway across the galaxy."
Mara: "Now, now, Anakin, you are assuming the Pong are intelligent enough to be able to track them."
Anakin: "Intelligence has nothing to do with it Auntie."
Mara: "And why is that?"
Anakin: "Tracking doesn't require intelligence. Any dumb bug can track something. The Pong are nothing but swarming bugs."
Luke: (looking at Mara) "He's got a point."
Mara: "Probably so." (to Ani) "Don't call me Auntie anymore."
Anakin: "Why not? I can call you anything I want."
Mara: "Oh you can? What makes you think that?"
Anakin: "I am taking over the role of the swaggering, hotshot Corellian in this series. I can do anything I want."
Mara: (rolls her eyes) "Oh, right. You're such a hotshot, you couldn't even take the shot."
Luke: "Would you two stop it, you're scaring the pacifists. Who else is out there?"
Seagull: "Ten Elka is out looking for masked Pong."
Anakin: "Ten Elka isn't obscure."
Mara: "Well, from a certain point of view, she is obscure."
Anakin: "How do you figure that . . . umm . . . Master?"
Mara: "That's better. Only the readers of the kiddie books know about her. Most grownups don't."
Anakin: "You and Master Luke's certain point of view."
Mara: "Convenient, isn't it?"
Anakin: "Yeah, well, then from a certain point of view, Dyp is a better Jedi than you."
Luke: (gives both Mara and Anakin a very disappoving look) "Dent Hummer, how's it going with the military?"
Hummer: "First off, because Anakin didn't take the shot, the Fondu shipyards are out of the game."
Anakin: (grimaces and mutters) "That's the last time I listen to my idiot older brother."
Hummer: "We need to keep the fact that hotshot here refused to take the shot, off the holonets."
Luke: "Why is that?"
Hummer: "The Jedi have enough problems as it is. If word gets out that Ani could have taken out the Pong at Fondu without all the collateral damage, we might as well pack our bags."
Seagull: "You could have taken the Pong out of the Fondu? That would make it better."
Mara: "Jacen and Anakin will be the first to leave because not even Leia will be able to keep Isobar and Ten Elka from extracting a little vengence from your hides."
Anakin: "You'll have a hard time convincing Jacen not to blab. He likes reminding others when I listen to him."
Luke: "I have a feeling Han is having a talk with him."
Mara: "Good. That kid needs a talking to."
Luke: "What about the token good Bothan? What's his name?"
Hummer: "Trust Belfry. We haven't heard from him in a while, and don't know where he is. Rumor has it, he got sick of cousin Dorkus Felt'ya and ran off to the Unknown Regions."
Mara: "Just when we need our best commanders, they run off in a huff."

 NJO For Dummies
(or a summary to remind us all of what happened in the last dreary twelve months, just in case we had successfully purged it from our minds)


They appeared without warning from the edge of galactic space: a warrior race called the Yuzzy Pong, armed with surprise, treachery, and an ?imaginative? organic technology, that proved deadly when a main character wasn?t around to lead the unwashed masses. Even the Jedi, under the leadership of Luke Skywalker, found themselves thrown on the defensive, deprived of their only weapon ? not that the Force is a weapon of course! That?s of the DARK SIDE. For this was not merely a cheap ploy to give the fans some lightsabre battles. Rather, the Oafy-One?s pronouncement of the Force being an energy field that bound the galaxy together proved to be just that. Apparently, by going outside of the GFFA, DR was able to squirm through this loop hole, giving cannon fodder for EU haters everywhere.


The first strike caught the New Republic unawares - except for a brainy little human bimbo who watched her non-human, and thus naturally Force-blinded and rather stupid, friends murdered. Meanwhile the New Republic military was occupied with a rebellion on some obscure planet started by Yuzzy Pong spy Nom Anor. (A useful tie in with an obscure comic series with which to lure the most uncultivated of fan boys.) With the New Republic force thus occupied, the evil non-human advance fleet launched their first assault, which destroyed several previously unheard of worlds and killed countless beings ? although no major characters, excepting of course the Wookie Chewbacca, loyal friend and partner to Han Solo, due to a contracting dispute.


During a suicidal attempt to contact and make peace with the enemy, Senator Elegy A?Kla was murdered by Yuzzy Pong commander Shiddee Dai, who delivered the body to Elegy?s passing acquaintance, Jedi Corran Horn. Horn then challenged Dai to a duel ? the prize being the planet of Iffy. Horn bested Dai, but the Yuzzy Pong destroyed Ithor nonetheless. Of course, no one stopped to wonder whether the New Republic would have handed over Iffy if Corran had lost.


The evil, non-human New Republic government, without the leadership of Leia Skywalker ? er sorry, Organic Solo - unraveled a little more with each setback, Soon the Jedi Knights splintered under the strain. Chafing under what some perceived as Luke's indecisiveness, a renegade group of Jedi under the leadership of Dyp Durron advocated using every available resource to defeat the Yuzzy Pong. Of course whether or not actually trying to prevent the deaths of faceless extras before the Pong destroyed them would lead to the dark side was still subject to debate. But if you question the will of a Skywalker/Solo you?re eternally damned. Everyone knows that Skywalkers never make mistakes. The philosophical dispute <**there was actually a dispute? The previous sentence just said that such an approach was indeed dark side!**> drove a wedge between the Solo brothers, Jacen and Anakin, while sister Jaina focused instead on her new role as a pilot with the elite Rogue Squadron ? where such preemptive aggression was perfectly acceptable.


Consumed with guilt for failing to save Chewbacca, Han Solo turned away from his family, seeking expiation in action ? and foiled a Yuzzy Pong plot to eliminate the Jedi. Han returned with what seemed to be a temporary antidote to the sporadically debilitating illness Mara Jade Skywalker endured. But not even that dubious achievement could erase the loss of his dearest friend (odd!) ? or mend his marriage to Leia.


Leia, too, was beset with guilt. By disregarding a vision of the future. Leia feared she had condemned the Hapan fleet to ruin at Fundor. A pitched battle at the shipyards was shattered by a weapon of uncontrollable destructive power <**that?s not what it said in the book**> fired from Centrepoint Station. While the weapon had been armed by Anakin in a misguided attempt to actually save lives, the boy had listened to his idiot b.......... A musical interlude ...

(Sung to the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. Utter and complete apologies for destroying a classic.)


Is this good sci-fi,
Or is this just fantasy.
Caught in a conundrum,
Let's inject some reality.

Open your eyes, look out on the Net and see.
It's all just fanboys. They have no brains you see.
Because it's cliche plots, simple prose. Darker tone, easy dough.
Anywhere the plot goes, doesn't really matter to G, toooo G.

Del Rey. Just killed the Wook.
Dropped a moon upon his head.
For shock value, now he's dead.
Del Rey. Your turn has just begun.
And now you're trying to drive us all away.

Del Rey. Ooooo. Why did you have to sign that guy.
If I'm not back again to read the next book.
Scribble on, scribble on.
Cause it doesn't really matter.

Too late. The time has come.
Found better stories to read.
Can't gouge us till we bleed.
Goodbye, all you fanboys. We've got to go.
Got to leave you all behind to face the truth.

Del Rey. Ooooo. {ECA chorus} any way the plot goes {end chorus}
We didn't wanna quit.
We sometimes wish we'd never read NJO at all.

{bridge}

We see very little evidence of an epic.
What a fraud, what a fraud.
Can you say it's a fiasco.
Bloodletting and killing,
Not very exciting.
Read no more. Read no more. Read no more it's too poor. And difficult.

It's just a poor tale, only fanboys love it.
It's just a poor tale from a greedy publisher.
Spare us all from this banality.
Easy come, easy go. Will you end this now.

{DR chorus} We will not, no. We will not end this now. {end chorus}
{ECA chorus} End it now. {end}
{DRc} We will not, will not end this now. {end}
{ECAc} End it now. {end}
{DRc} We will not, will not end this now. Will not end this now. {end}
{ECAc} End it now. {end}
{DRc} Will not end this now. {end}
{ECAc} End it now. {end}
{DRc} Will not end this now. {end}

No no no no no no no.
Oh momma meea, momma meea, end this now.
Beelzebub wouldn't read this on his own.
it's bad, it's bad, it's bad.

{end bridge}

Do you think you can hook me into reading the prequels.
Do you think you can fool me into reading the sequel.
Oh Del Rey,
Can't make me accept this Del Rey.
Just gotta stop, just gotta stop reading this junk.

oo ya, oo ya, oo ya
Doesn't really matter.
Anyone can see.
Nothing really matters.
Nothing really matters to G.
{fade} any way the plot goes. {fade out}  
[Finishing up that earlier scene...]

Anakin: "What kind of self-respecting Bothan mother would name her child Trust?"
Mara: "Seems like an oxymoron doesn't it."
Quark: (quickly appears in scene) "A Bothan who knows the 257th Rule of Acquisition is 'Do anything to make everyone believe you are not a traitorous snake.'" (quickly disappears)
Mara: "Where did he come from?"
Luke: "It's another one of those easter-egg cameo cross-overs. He's gone now hopefully."
Anakin: "Trust. How obvious. With a name like that, he's gotta turn traitor."
(Across the table an apprentice starts giggling.)
Luke: "That's not funny, Tickley, why are you laughing?"
Tickely: "Master Seagul touched me. I can't help it."
Luke: "Sea, you know that Tickley breaks out laughing whenever you touch her."
Seagul: "I am sorry Master, she was fidgeting and I tried to pinch her. I think she wants to say something."
Luke: "What do you want to say Tickley?"
(Across the room, Anakin rolles his eyes.)
Tickely: "Well, me and some friends were cruising for guys... I mean we were looking for a lost friend in LandOLakesville where we overheard some Rodents talking about finding a Pong."
Anakin: "Where?"
Luke: "Cool your jets there Ani. (gently waves hand at her) Where Tickely?"
Tickley: "At the Mesclun Weeds. The Rodent said that one of the waiters wasn't a Pong, he'd marry a Gammorean."
Luke: "He must really be confident to make that kind of bet. Do you want to go back there and take a look?"
Tickely: "No master, I am a laugher not a fighter."
Luke: (looks at Mara and Anakin) "That's okay Tickley, it's time we let the action heros see some action."
Princess Leia is walking around Dell moping when a familiar face shows up.

Leia: (surprise) "Elegy, I didn't know your species became Elders."
Elegy't: "We don't. And the name is Elegy't now, but you can still call me Elegy."
Leia: "Are you sure it's not Elegy'r?"
Elegy't: "If there's one thing I know for sure, this writer never confuses his T's with his R's, or his K's with his H's."
Leia: "What are you doing here?"
Elegy't: "Well this fanfic writer is just contriving a way to write this scene to avoid all your inner monologue."
Leia: "Then, why are you here?"
Elegy't: "I've been your conscience and sounding board lately. I'll continue to be here for you. Tell Elegy't all your problems."
Leia: (a big sigh) "I feel like such an old hag. My children have left the nest."
Elegy't: "When were they ever in the nest?"
Leia: (angry) "Hey! I was always home to tuck them in at night when I wasn't running around the galaxy saving people."
Elegy't: "Well, pardon me, when were *you* ever in the nest."
Leia: (ignoring his last comment) "Look at this, my hair is turning grey. And Mara, who has a terminal disease and is NOW two years older than me, is such a beautiful, sexy woman."
Elegy't: "That's just the fangirls talking. You've never felt jealous or threatened by Mara before. Plus she's in remission. You should be happy for her. No, something else is bothering you."
Leia: (sadly) "I miss Han. I am not complete without him."
Elegy't: "After being married almost 20 years, that's not a surprise."
Leia: "But that admission is supposed to make me sound like a weak woman."
Elegy't: "That's the fangirls talking again Leia. If you didn't miss Han, and didn't think a part of you was missing, I'd think you were an Ice Princess."
Leia: "I am that too. Jaina hates me."
Elegy't: "Jaina doesn't hate you. She's seventeen now. All seventeen-year-old girls give their mom's the cold shoulder. She's afraid she's becoming just like you."
Leia: "I am feeling so blue and down in the dumps. Come sing a Blues song with me."
Elegy't: "NO! The earlier song didn't go over very well."
Leia: "Why am I here on this planet trying to save refugees? Shouldn't I be trying to save my marriage first?"
Elegy't: "When have you ever put your personal feelings above the needs of the galaxy?"
Leia: (thinking) "Well... well... well... I did go rescue Han from Jabba before the final assault on the Empire."
Elegy't: "And it took you 6 months to do it, plus you gave that lizard the tease beforehand. Okay, so, you've done it once, but you know as well as I do that Han is the one who has to find his way back."
Leia: "I suppose you're right.
Elegy't: "You suppose?"
Leia: "Okay, you are right. Elegy is always right.
Elegy't: (with regret) "Except when it came to making peace with the Pong."  What was the Empire up to?

Loc. Bastion.

Pellaeon: Exactly how much do we know about the Pong, Captain (Dreyf gets a promotion)?

Dreyf: Unfortunately, the New Republic has been too stupid to actually capture one of the things alive or to retrieve any bodies. They haven't performed any autopsies, sir.

Pellaeon: But the stupidity of the New Republic shouldn't come as any surprise, especially with that deceitful Bothan being in charge. And why haven't they attacked any of the Pong production facilities?

Dreyf: The workings of the New republic are quite a mystery to me sir, especially when they defy logic and common sense. How did they ever beat us?

Pellaeon: They have a select few competent people who are a small army unto themselves and then you throw in an incompetent Emperor and a traitorous Noghri--that's how we were beaten.

Dreyf: hmmm

Pellaeon: And then you throw in the fact that that Lucas guy is a Rebel sympathizer.

Dreyf: And why are the Jedi acting like such idiots? When'd they become cowards?

Pellaeon: Since Luke Skywalker decided to become a babbling philospher. At least Dyp Durron is showing that not all Jedi have lost their courage, but he's going about attacking the Vong the wrong way. He doesn't have any idea of an overrall strategy. Durron is acting like a male version of Daala.

Dreyf: Speaking of Admiral Daala, whatever happened to her?

Pellaeon: I received a letter from her several years ago saying she settled down with some former boyfriend; I found the letter unsettling. I suspect this boyfriend might have drugged her since the letter was filled with romantic platitude after romantic platitude.

Dreyf: Does she have some sort of disease that's affecting her mind?

Pellaeon: I don't know. But I received another letter. Apparantly, the boyfriend ran out of drugs and she headed back into the Core and she was back to her old self.

Dreyf: Think she could resurface?

Pellaeon: She may.

Dreyf: Let's hope she's in a Pong ship so she can crash it into their homeworld or something.

Pellaeon: Well, as you well know, that is something she excels at . . .  After the unofficial Jedi Council meeting, Luke and Mara are walking down a Core-u-skank street discussing the upcoming action sequence. Anakin is following behind Luke and Mara, kicking a can down the street. Luke's doing the Vader thing with his black jedi robes flowing behind him. Mara's wearing her usual jumpsuit.

Luke: (to Mara) "How are you feeling?"
Mara: "I feel strong enough to pull ears off a gundark."
Luke: "Borrowing Han's line from the movie, huh?"
Mara: "It has a sort of catchiness that 'obnoxiously healthy' doesn't have. Besides, this wouldn't be a humorous version without dialog borrowing."
Luke: "However, 'obnoxiously healthy' demonstrates a strong message that you're in remission."
Mara: "You'd be surprised that even that kind of strong message is ignored by people with personal agendas who think I am at death's door and are cheering."
Luke: "Are you sure you're up for this?"
Mara: "You bet. I just spent the first half of this chapter in a subdued and introspective manner, it is time for me to start playing action heroine again."
Luke: "Aren't you worried about Anakin?"
Mara: "Nah. He's going over to the Darkside one day, but not in this book. Besides I like having an eager, confident young man as my partner."
Luke: (sarcastically) "You wound me, Jade. WimpyLuke doesn't reappear until the next book."
Mara: "I wish I could kill that clone every time he shows up."
Luke: "You and me both. So what's your plan."
Mara: "Well, me and overconfident hotshot back there will scope out the place, then bring in this Pong warrior."
Luke: "Alive I hope."
Mara: "You betchya. We need a live one to experiment on."
WimpyLuke: "Prisoner experimentation is unethical and against the Geneva convention."
(Mara takes out her blaster and kills WimpyLuke. The real Luke reappears.)
Luke: "Thanks. He wasn't supposed to show up until the next book."
Mara: "You'd better watch your back."
Luke: "I will. So far he's been content to play my role and not try to bump me off."
Mara: "The Overlords have allowed Wimpy so much screen time lately that he thinks he's you. They might be conspiring to sideline you permanently."
Luke: "I know. It's a stealth attempt to generate a groundswell of support for killing me off."
Mara: "Sneaky. If enough people think you are a wimpy, useless character, people would rather see you dead than alive."
Luke: "I was having some fun with it. Every time Wimpy gets to play my role, I put on a disguise, join Kyp's dozen, and have a Pong-kicking good time."
Mara: (somewhat angrily) "And you leave me behind with that wimp. Thanks a lot."
Luke: "Hey, don't get all defensive. I am still trying to figure out where you disappeared to during Vector Prime."
Mara: "I don't even know where I was."
Luke: "If you keep my wimpy clones off my back, I'll keep your clones off your back."
Mara: "I thought you'd never ask. Deal."
Luke: "I don't really like experimenting on a captured Pong, but we have to find some way to stun them or at least slow them down."
Mara: "That's my Luke. Upstanding but practical."
(Mara takes Luke's hand, and they send waves of love and encouragement along the Force-bond that just about every NJO author has ignored.)
Luke: "You know, it feels good to have our Force-bond back to normal and to act like a loving, happily married couple again."
Mara: "Yes. Our marriage has been hard, what with all the people out there trying to break this marriage up or kill me off, but to have the author complicit in the difficulty makes it even worse."
Luke: "I suggest we take every advantage of savoring this moment as long as we can because this is likely to the the last chance we have before we are moved off-stage."

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 8:08 pm)