22.

Back at the Ranch, the evil cattle baron, oops, ?scuse me, that?s evil media baron has summoned his minions for yet another tactical discussion...

The LucasWhim Marketing Minion and the Chief DullWay Overlord are, of course, the minions in question. They know that visiting a guy who?s a complete whackjob is not something to be undertaken lightly. They hesitate outside his door. The ?Imperial March? appears to be playing softly inside.
CDO: (to LMM) ?Do I have to get down on my belly? It?s so?-so humiliating."
LMM: (shrugging) ?You don?t have to do anything. As long as you enjoy megadoses of force lightening.?
CDO responds to this by hitting the floor, belly first, raising a good deal of dust. LMM flops down beside him. He reaches up to gently turn the doorknob. He and CDO squirm on their bellies into the darkened room.
LMM: (softly) ?Master??
All they can see in the gloom is the pot-light above the gestation sac...Da-Boss?s head, wearing a malevolent expression, rises from the sac. He is not happy.
Da-Boss: ?I hate being disturbed! You know that! What?s the meaning of this??
LMM: (keeping his head down) ?Master, there?s been a complication??
DB: ?Don?t bring me no bad news, flunkey!?
LMM: (terrified) ?Master, we thought you should know??
DB: (snarling) ?Know what? I don?t know anything! I like it that way!?
LMM: ?Master, we?ve had a medical report on Mara Jade...?
DB: (calming down a bit) ?Ah, my prospective host. Or should I say, hostess??
He laughs maniacally. LMM and CDO try to join in, and just manage to sound lame.
DB: ?Is she ready for me??
LMM: ?That?s the problem, Master.?
DB: ?Problem? What problem??
LMM: (delicately) ?Um, Master, she may not have?how can I say this??room for you...?
DB: ?What do you mean??
LMM looks around desperately for support. CDO has rolled away and his feet can be seen sticking out from under a nearby couch. LMM sighs and goes for it.
LMM: ?Master: the report I read says she?s pregnant. With a real baby."
DB: ?WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?
The sac starts whirling, force lightening shooting randomly out of it. LMM puts his head down, his eyes squeezed shut. CDO cowers under the couch, trembling so hard that his feet beat a tattoo on the polished hardwood floor. This goes on for what seems forever to the embattled minions, and then, abruptly, the sac stops whirling, the lightening fades, and the room quiets.
CDO: (shakily) ?Master??
BD: ?You dare?you dare address me, you unworthy dog!!! How did this happen??
CDO: ?Well, ya know, first you?ve got the egg?and then the man??
BD: ?I know how conception works, you moron! I saw hygiene films in school!?
LMM: (whispering to CDO, who is now beside him face down on the floor) ?I?ve always
wondered if he knew the facts of life...?
BD: ?I told you?-didn?t I tell you-?not to let them have sex! Ever!?
CDO: ?Well, Master, we tried. We had a Editor supervising them at all times, they had double beds, we even tried saltpeter in the soup, but unfortunately??
LMM: (excitedly) ?Master! It doesn?t need to interfere with your plans! We?ve thought of a way around it!?
CDO hisses at him to stow it, but it?s too late.
DB: (sarcastically) ?What?s that??
LMM: (brilliantly) ?You could be one of twins!?
DB: (he can?t believe this idiot) ?TWINS?????
LMM: (eagerly) ?Yes, twins! And the other twin can be force-blind, can?t you see? You?d be the powerful one??
CDO: (it?s the first he?s heard of this one) ?Force-blind??
LMM: ?Yeah. A couple of the fanboys like the idea. You know?it?s like very profound. Well, profound if you?re eleven and half years old. And then Han could bond with him, ?cause he?s force-blind, too??
CDO: (he can?t believe this idiot, either) ?You wanna lift a cliche from ?The Crystal Smartie,? the worst SW book ever??
LMM: ?Um?well??
CDO: ?Look, moron, what about suspense? There?s no ............     

24.
            *Ahem* *tap* *tap*

Is this thing on? Raise your hand if you can hear me in the back...oooh, sorry about the feedback, please feel free to send me the bill for any hearing aids any of you may now require...

I apologize for breaking into CONQUEST: The Humorous Version thread, but it has come to my attention that certain people are in dire need of a public service announcement. Especially people who have been seen recently chatting in public on other boards. This announcement is really more appropriate for the "NJO Humorous Version" and one other thread, but since they are now locked I aplogize for butting in and taking over the mike in this thread. I promise to be brief.

Today's word is PARODY.
par·o·dy
n. pl. par·o·dies

1. A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or a work for comic effect or ridicule. See Synonyms at caricature.
2. The genre of literature comprising such works.
3. Something so bad as to be equivalent to intentional mockery; a travesty: The trial was a parody of justice.

Now, for the further edification of those who apparently need it, parody and satire are protected by US law. In other words, ya can't sue so don't take it so personal. It is an accepted art form.

And please read definition #1 again. The purpose of parody is to RIDICULE. Got it? Clear now? Good.

So thank you, everyone, for your time. I would like to thank the writers of this thread and all the earlier NJO related threads for keeping the spirit of parody alive and well. Everybody, let's give them a round of applause. It's not easy to write parody when some of the works that have been parodied fall under the #3 definition themselves... 
 

26.

The Editor hits Tahini's implant control button and it freezes her in place. She stands motionless until he let's her free.

Editor: (calls Anakin towards him/her) "Do me a favor and just put up with Tahini a bit longer. We plan on punishing her for her lack of obsequience."
Anakin: "You know, I heard Shannon Doherty is free. She's my kind of bad gurl."
Editor: "No way. What a temper. She'd be even worse than Tahini."
Anakin: "Then you'd better do it soon before my whole face is black and blue."
Editor: (again to Ani) "Don't worry. She'll be properly chastised."
Editor: (to the crowd - Jerkit, Valen and Blandah) "Hey, where do you think you are going? I can't allow any more escapes to other fictional worlds around here. Let's get back to the story."
(Valen and Blandah quickly hide their Harry Potter contracts behind their backs.)
Editor: "Anakin, you and Tahini were about to do that twirling, falling scene in the elevator shaft that we ripped off from Peter Pan or Scooby Doo or Harry Potter, I can't remember which right now."
Valen: (to Blandah) "It is pretty bad when you can't even remember what story you are ripping off."
Editor: (releasing Tahini) "Places eveyone."

Anakin: "Wow, Master. I am impressed. If Uncle Luke had tried that Force illusion, he would have passed out from exhaustion."
Pinky: "Mess things up like Stinkpuke, not everyone does. Won't matter much anyway, is my guess."
Anakin: "The Testosterone Brigage is starting to advance, let's get out of here."
Tahini: "Where to?"
Anakin: "Well we can't all fit in my X-Wing."
Tahini: "Oh, I forgot."
Anakin: "I could stuff you in my aft cargo section."
Tahini: "Over my dead body."
Anakin: "That's certainly one way to do it."
Jerkit: "Stop bickering, we should. Present itself, another solution will."
Tahini: "Let's take one of the Testosterone Brigade's shuttles."
Anakin: "Hey, that was my line you twit."
(Tahini just sticks her tongue out at Anakin.)
Anakin: "Alright, Tahini and I will stay behind to keep the Testosterone Brigade busy while you three go down to the Temple grotto to hide."
(Valen, Blandah, and Master Jerkit go running (or hopping, in Jerkit's case) in the direction of the underground grotto.)
Tahini: "So, what is the plan, Hero Boy?"
Anakin: "For you to shut up, first of all."
Tahini: "Bite me."
Anakin: (points hand at Tahini) "Talk to the hand."
Tahini: "Whatever."
(Having forgotten to hold off the Brigade, they start getting shot at by Elmer Fudd who is singing "Kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit".)
Anakin: "Let's go."
Tahini: "Where to?"
Anakin: "You heard the Editor, to the turbolift."
(They get in the turbolift, but it starts going up.)
Anakin: "Hey, why are we going down? I punched in the grotto floor. You hit the up button didn't you?"
Tahini: "No."
Anakin: "Yes you did, you are lying."
Tahini: "I hit both buttons. Someone above us must've called for the turbolift too.
Anakin: "Darn it. Hit the stop button."
Tahini: "Now what are you going to do Mr. Chosen One?"
Anakin: "Go outside the lift car."
Tahini: "But they'll be able to shoot us from there."
Anakin: "Not after I cut the cable."
Tahini: "But we'll go crashing down to the floor."
Anakin: "That's right. You said you wanted to see action."
(Anakin cuts the cables and the turbolift crashes towards the floor. Anakin and Tahini do their twirling dance, ripped off from Peter Pan, as they lower themselves to the floor using the Force. Anakin tosses a couple of hand grenades back up to the Testosterone Brigade.)
Tahini: "Wow. That was so cool. Let's do it again."
Anakin: "Once is enough, don't you think."
Tahini: "You throwing those hand grenades back up was art."
Anakin: "Art? Where did you get that from?"
Tahini: "I dunno. I'm just reading my lines."
Anakin: "Well, at least you are starting to show me proper deference."
Tahini: "I wouldn't get used to it." 

28.

Greetings fellow Humorous Version readers. We just wanted to make another brief announcement. We here at the Humorous Versions won't apologize for the occasional BIG, 10-dollar words you might see. We feel that SciFi readers are among the brightest readers and we won't insult your intelligence by dumbing down our vocabulary. While we don't go out of our way to use 10-dollar words, neither will we go out of our way to avoid using them. Should we actually use a word that you don't know, we are confident you will be able to understand it in the context of the sentence, or look it up in the dictionary like all intelligent readers. Reading should expand your vocabulary, not keep it limited.

Thank you for your understanding,
--The Humorous Version Overlord

30.

A clear voice is heard off-screen ...

?Do you find it crucial to your very existence to act like an obsequious toady, a sickening stooge? a brown-nosing 'yes' man?

Are your standards so low that you'll freely spend hours of personal time apologizing for fungible, shallow entertainment products cranked out by soulless corporations?

Are you tired of that neats-foot oil aftertaste?

Have no fear friend, there's finally help for you ...?

A nicely dressed spokesman with a fake-looking smile steps into view in front of a run-down summer camp.

?Hi, I'm Troy McClure*. You might remember me from such self-improvement infomercials as ?Why do I always wet my bed?' and 'Help! I'm I am 40 years old and still live with my parents.'

Today I'm here to talk to you about a special place where you can restore your individuality. It's called 'Bootlicker's Anonymous' and a weekend stay at this wonderful, fresh-air clinic costs only $169.90.

Here you will learn to think for yourself, use objective judgments in your everyday life and act like a reasonable adult with a healthy sense of decency. You'll regain an appropriate amount of shame, cultivate valuable self-respect and some semblance of good taste ... all without sucking up to B-list celebrities and no-name corporate flaks. For just $229.95 and a weekend of your time, you'll become a real person again. A strong, confident individual ? with pride and dignity.?

A small boy walks up to Troy McClure.

Troy: ?Hello, Billy.?
Billy: ?Hi, Mr. McClure. What happens if I like to beg, grovel and enjoy the taste of leather footwear even AFTER a weekend at the clinic? Thinking for myself really frightens me!?
Troy: ?That's no problem, Billy. Every drop-out from 'Bootlicker's Anonymous' receives a free T-shirt.?
Billy: ?That's awesome!?
Troy: ?It sure is, Billy, it sure is.?

Troy looks back towards the camera.

?In no time at all you'll be saying things like 'I read the press release but I know it's not the whole story' and 'I'm sick of all the hype, I want some real substance' ? all while you look at yourself in the mirror without that familiar feeling of self-loathing.

No longer will your self-worth be contingent solely upon others wealthier and more famous than yourself.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about a two days that will change your life. For just $249.99, you too can live for yourself and get rid of that destructive craving for attention that has turned you and your friends into mind-numbed sycophants.

Keep in mind, I'm not just a spokesman for 'Bootlicker's Anonymous,' I'm also a graduate!?

Troy gives the camera the thumbs-up sign while a narrator reads the disclaimer really, REALLY fast:

?'Bootlicker's Anonymous' requires a 100%, non-refundable deposit paid six months in advance. The following forms of payment are not accepted: Pokemon cards, empty Clearasil tubes, stained McDonald's uniforms, food stamps, decapitated Star Wars figures, stamp collections, dog-eared Marvel Comics or the American Express card.

'Bootlicker's Anonymous' is not affiliated with Timberland, Buffalo Boots, Cabela's, L.L. Bean or the American Podiatric Association.?

* With apologies to the memory of Dan Hartman

32.

HVO: "What? You thought we were going to finish that scene and ACTUALLY give you the one-minute psychoanalysis of Anakin? Come on, you don't have to be a psyche major to figure out a one-minute psychoanalysis of Anakin: teenage boy, big lightsaber, cool toys, and girls.


Meanwhile, Capt Crunch, Shady and two other members of Crunch's crew, yes, wearing red shirts, are down on Yasmine4, surrounded by 20 members of the Testosterone Brigade. Crunch arrogantly thinks he's not outnumbered. A Major Yeff (now there's a HV name if I ever saw one) is leading the erstwhile rescuers around the surface.

Yeff: "Hey, we've searched that bunker already."
Capt Crunch: "Yeah, but not with horndogs."
Yeff: "How do you know they aren't on the trail of a jungle cat?"
Capt Crunch: "Because my beasties are Force sensitive and hunt other Force sensitives."
Yeff: "Really? You don't say? I could really use those creatures."
Capt Crunch: "Too bad. Mine are the only trained ones."
Yeff: "Whatever. Doesn't matter."
Yeff's flunky: "How come your beasts aren't here with the rest of the stupid Force sensitive creatures KJA put in the YJK and JJK books?"
(A Force sensitive tree named Barc whacks Yeff's flunky flying.)
Capt Crunch: "I'd watch what you say about stupid creatures."
Yeff: "Just lead the way."

Shady: (whispering to Crunch) "You know, you just gave away vital information."
Capt Crunch: "What vital information?"
Shady: "That horndogs are Force sensitive and hunt Jedi."
Capt Crunch: "So, these funkies aren't going to be able to do anything with it."
Shady: "But, they will report to their Pong masters what you said."
Capt Crunch: "Ooops."
Shady: "Yes, big oops. You'd better tell Luke that he's going to encounter Pong altered horndogs hunting the Jedi down in Scar by Scar."
Shady: (to herself) "So much for the great Talon Karrde, information broker extroridinairre, man who never tips his hand to his enemies, or unwittingly gives them valuable information."

(The group comes to a halt in front of the old abandoned Woolworth. There is a heart with an T&A {hey not what you think!!} carved into the front.)

Capt Crunch: "I think this is the place where everyone is hiding."
Yeff: "I don't see anyone."
Capt Crunch: "Maybe that's because they don't want you to see them."
Yeff: "They can do that?
Capt Crunch: "And a thousand other unmentionable things you don't even want to think about."
Yeff: "And what makes you think they aren't playing tricks on your horndogs?
Capt Crunch: "Because we have a salami in the cage here. It blocks the Force."
Dumb TBGuy#15: "Is that what your pretty, platonic lady friend is carrying? Can I have a look?"
Capt Crunch: "No, but when we are done rounding up the kids, I'll take it out and we can eat a celebratory feast."
Dumb TBGuy#15: "It must be a big salami."
Capt Crunch: "It is. Powerful too. Stops even the most powerful Jedi."
Dumb TBGuy#15: "You sure I can't take a peek?
Capt Crunch: "No, it is light sensitive."
Smart TBGuy: "Hey, if you've got the salami, and you and your horndogs say that this is the place, how could they be using their Jedi powers to hide from us."
Capt Crunch: "It is a very minor plot hole that you aren't supposed to figure out."
(Crunch pulls his blaster and shoots Smart TBGuy. Everyone scatters and Shady drops her salami and whirls into action.)
Capt Crunch: "Look at her go. That's my girl."
(The group takes heavy blaster fire. One of the red shirts is hit.)
Capt Crunch: "Whoa, that red shirted guy was my best new recruit."
(Capt Crunch begins to fear for his life, that he might actually die.)
Capt Crunch: "Come on SolarStar, you still aren't pissed that I accidentally punched you at Luke and Mara's wedding are you?"
BamBam SolarStar: "As a matter of fact, I am."
Capt Crunch: "Can we settle accounts later?"
SolarStar: "Nah, we're even. I wanted you to think you were going to die."
Capt Crunch: "And you call yourself a Jedi."
SolarStar: "There's always a bit of the Dark Side in all us former Dark Siders."

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 9:21 pm)

34.

The Editor, thoroughly disgusted, does a flying tackle on frustration, grabs Tahini?s lips from him/her/it/them and staples them back in place.
Tahini: ?Hey! I used Crazy Glue on Anakin?s lips! Staples hurt!"
Editor: ?We don?t want any recurrences, do we??
Tahini: (muttering) ?I don?t care.?
Editor: ?I do. The scene, Tahini.?
Tahini: (to the Editor) ?Oh, alright!? (to Anakin) ?A year ago, you were my best friend in the world.?
Editor: (to Tahini, sternly) ?Aren?t you forgetting something??
Tahini: (irritated) ?What??
Editor: ?You?re supposed to cry.?
Tahini: ?There ain?t a snowball?s chance in hell I?m gonna do that.?
The Editor starts twisting Tahini?s arm again.
Tahini: ?Right! You want waterworks, you got them! Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!?
Anakin: ?Pipe down!?
Editor: ?Read your line, Anakin!?
Anakin: (wearily) ?We?re still best friends.?
Tahini: ?Then the way you treat you?re other friends must really stink.?
Anakin: ?Yeah.?
Editor: ?Anakin!?
Anakin: (injured) ?That?s what the script says, I swear!?
Editor: ?It can?t possibly say anything that stupid....oops! Um, kids, you can go to sleep now.?
Anakin: (to himself) ?Maybe if I talked to Alyssa Milano myself, she might be interested...?
Tahini: ?Not if she has any brains, she wouldn't. ?Course, if she did have brains, you wouldn?t be interested.?
This time, Anakin takes a swing at Tahini. She ducks it.
Editor: (sternly) ?Children! Do I have to activate your implants??
Anakin and Tahini get the point. Sullenly, they lie down on the ground and pretend to sleep. This apparently involves kicking each other?-discreetly--at carefully graduated intervals. The Editor pretends that he doesn?t see this.

So, okay, Anakin and Tahini go to sleep, then they wake up. Now you know.
Then they go to hijack a ship from the Testosterone Brigade, following frustration?s shining example. This involves Anakin using the ?you can go about your business? bit with two guards. Then he and Tahini encounter a third guy.
Anakin: (to the third guy) ?What?s your name??
Third Guy: ?Rheumy Vein.?
Tahini: ?Boy, is that a stupid name!?
Rheumy: ?Hey, it beats the name of my lieutenant.?
Tahini: ?What?s that??
Rheumy: ?Snot Murky. Keybored?s names are almost as dumb as those in ?Vector Slime.? And that?s mondo dumb.?
Editor: ?No editorial comments, if you please. Especially not from the bit players.?
Rheumy rolls his eyes.
Anakin: ?Any surprises I need to know before I fly her??
Rheumy: ?You?re a Jedi. Can?t you like, you know, read my mind??
Anakin: (baffled) ?I guess.?
Rheumy: ?So do it, already.?
Editor: ?Rheumy!?
Rheumy: (giving up) ?You need a clearance code.?
Anakin: ?What is it??
Rheumy: ?I repeat: you?re a Jedi. Read my mind.?
Anakin: ?Look, buddy. They make me ask these stupid questions. Don?t give me a hard time.?
Rheumy: (sighing) ?Okay.?
Tahini: ?Now he?s got to lecture you on how we will know if you lie to us. Try to keep a straight face. If you can.?
Rheumy: (muttering) ?Didn?t think this job was gonna be so difficult.?
Tahini: ?Tell me about it.?
Anakin flies the ship over to pick up Jerkit, Valin and Blandah.
Rheumy: (to Anakin) ?You idiot! You forgot to retract the landing ramp!?
Tahini: ?Anakin! What does that mean??
Anakin: ?Huh??
Tahini: ?Well, this book is totally designed to show you off as a hero. If you make a completely idiotic mistake suddenly, what does that mean??
Anakin: (screwing up his face) ?I shoulda let you drive??
Tahini: ?No, dummy! It has 'plot device' written all over it.?
Jerkit: (gloomily) ?Got to jump down that ramp, I do.?
Tahini: ?Why??
Jerkit: ?Wearing this red uniform for nothing, I?m not. Kill you or Anakin, they won?t.?
Tahini: ?Hey, Master Jerkit. I?m sorry about this.?
Jerkit: ?Sorry, be not. Free of this godawful dialogue, I?ll be. Worth it, it is.?
He gives a mighty leap, down the ramp and onto to ground. I know this is completely unbelievable, not to mention thoroughly lame, but hey, it?s not my idea, guys, s     ....................

 

36.

Back to the surface of Spavined 4 (oops, sorry, make that Yasmine 4), where Anakin, having lost every fall he ever had with frustration, is now wrestling with gravity. I need hardly say that gravity is winning, big time.
Valin: ?You?re straining the inertial dampeners well beyond their parameters!?
Anakin: ?What the hell does that mean??
Valin: ?How should I know? I?m just saying my lines.? He looks expectantly at the Editor.
Editor: ?It doesn?t mean anything. It just sounds scifi.?
Blandah: ?In your opinion.?
Editor: ?Anakin, I believe you are now scheduled to do something cool. So do it.?
Anakin: (baffled) ?Like what??
Valin: ?Outwit the enemy??
Blandah: ?Nah. Something cool in the NJO doesn?t meaning thinking. It means dumb, graphic violence.?
Editor: ?I don?t like your tone, Blandah. Shoot that ship to ***t, Anakin.?
Blandah gives Anakin an ?I-told-you-so? look. Anakin shrugs and does what he?s told. Like you?re surprised, or anything.
Rheumy Vein starts jumping up and down and waving his arms. Like he has to visit the fresher, or something.
Rheumy: ?Let me have a shot!?
Anakin: ?Why should I??
Rheumy: ?Because that kid can?t hit the broad side of a barn door.?
Anakin: (smugly) ?Of course she can?t. I?m the only adolescent with god-like powers in this neck of the woods. But why should I trust you??
Rheumy: ?Boy, I?m really getting tired of saying this---read my mind. Use your poodoo-stinking Jedi powers!?
Anakin: (he can?t believe this) ?Poodoo-stinking??
Valin: (he can?t believe it, either) ?Poodoo-stinking??
Blandah: (she makes it unanimous) ?Poodoo stinking??
Rheumy: (head in hands) ?The things ya gotta say these days to keep a job??
Anakin, Valin & Blandahsinging)
?Everybody was poo-doo stinking!
Everybody ***ted like lightening?
In fact, it was a little bit frightening??*
Editor: ?Stop that!!!?
He glares at Anakin, Valin, and Blandah, who have collapsed in fits of hysterical laughter.
Editor: (kindly) ?Rheumy, you said it very well. And you kept a straight face. That took guts. I?ll remember that.?
Rheumy: (with dignity) ?Thanks.?
They both survey the rest of the cast grimly. Every time Anakin tries to speak, he and the other two kids start to giggle again.
Anakin: ?God, much more of this, and I?ll wet myself??
Blandah: ?Poodoo-stinking!!!? She, Anakin and Valin go into paroxysms of helpless laughter.
Editor: ?Anakin, if you want us to even consider Alyssa Milano, you?d better stop laughing---"
Anakin sobers up immediately. ?Valin, uncuff Rheumy. Take him to the gun.?
Still snorting with laughter, Valin does it.
Rheumy shoots down the last attacker, and Anakin crash-lands their ship. The usual stuff. Anakin is momentarily stunned, and wakes up to find that Rheumy has a blaster on him. Anakin does the ?you-will-go-about-your-business? bit on him. Again. [I mean, can?t they come up with some new shtick once in awhile? Yeah, you?re right, that would require imagination.]
Rheumy: ?Vaping moffs!?
Anakin: (he can?t believe this one, either) ?Vaping moffs??
Valin: (ditto) ?Vaping moffs??
Blandah: (ditto squared) ?Vaping moffs??
Anakin, Valin & Blandah: (singing) ?Oh, I?m gonna raise a fuss, I?m gonna raise a holler?-I?m gonna vape a moff just to try to earn a dollar??**
Editor: ?One more word, and your implants will do the talking from now on!?
Rheumy: (pleadingly) ?Can?t you do something about this dialogue? I mean, I?ve got my reputation to think of.?
Editor: ?Yours not to reason why.?
Rheumy: (sighing) ?Don?t bother with the ?do-or-die? bit, I get the picture.?
Blandah: (to Valin) ?Why?re they always describing me as a ?Melodie girl? in this book? It sounds like a bad vaudeville act.?
Valin: ?Dunno. It must be something in the ?Young Jedi Knights? series.?
Blandah: "That's Junior Jedi Knights!"
Valin: "Well, excuuse me. The lamer than YJK, Junior Jedi Knights."
Blandah: ?Well, what was it??
Valin: ?Don?t you know? You were in them.?
Blandah: ?Don?t expect me to recall anything 

38.

Our feckless hero Anakin Solo, the Chosen One of the NJO, is currently perched in the treetops observing the Testosterone Brigade Guys investigate the site where he crashed and smooshed his stolen ship. They'd been investigating for hours.

Anakin: "You should have stayed in the cave."
Valen: "I don't have to listen to you. Besides, no one knows where we are or how we got here."
Anakin: "What do you mean."
Valen: "I mean that Keybored didn't even bother to tell the readers where we are located, or how long it has been since we crashed."
Anakin: "It says here 'Two days is longer than I thought they would give it.'"
Valen: "But that doesn't square with the beginning that says they've been searching for hours."
Anakin: "What do you want, any sense of plot timing."
Valen: "It would be nice."
Anakin: "Listen, we've been out here for 2 days, but Karrde has rescued the others already, and the Pong should have landed already, but here we are, waiting for days for the Pong to land."
Valen: "Makes sense to me."

(There is a short pause, to give the readers the impression that the characters are being introspective. Anakin picks at his fingernails during the wait.)

Valen: "Why are the Yubyub Pong here and why do they want us so bad?"
Anakin: "I don't know. Del Rey needed some superduper, big, bad, ugly, most excellent villians ever..."
Valen: "Even worse than the Empire or Sith?"
Anakin: "That's what they want the readers to think."
Valen: "Why are they Forceless?"
Anakin: "Because Del Rey couldn't create a non Dark Jedi villian that could defeat 100 Jedi."
Valen: "Those guys searching for us aren't Pong though."
Anakin: "True, but they are worse. The Testosterone Flunkey Brigade has chosen to ally themselves with Del Rey and the Pong. They are turning people against one another, hoping to drive out anyone who doesn't go along with the party line."
Valen: "There have to be more reasonable people around."
Anakin: "Well, yes, there are, but every time they try to reason with the TFB, they end up getting chewed up and spat on for even suggesting things aren't just perfect. It's... well, it's just undeclared hostility."
Valen: "But that's not healthy for the future. Surely they must see that everything isn't so perfect."
Anakin: "Listen, everyone with even a little sense knows that. The problem with some people is that a lot of them don't have any sense, and a lot of others are liars."
Editor: "Anakin, you are coming very close to betrayal here. Stick to the script."
Anakin: "But that is exactly what it says."
Editor: "I was talking about the earlier stuff."
Anakin: "I have two words for you: Alyssa Milano.
Editor: "What about her?"
Anakin: "Have you gotten her yet?"
Editor: "No. We're in negotiations. Now get back to the script. Valen, your line."
Valen: "You talk too much. Tahiri said she'd rub off on you."
Anakin: "Argh! The only thing I want Tahiri rubbing..."
Editor: (agast) "Anakin! Don't even go there." (impatiently) "Your next line, please."
Anakin: "Why did you and Blandah and Tahiri stay behind to help me?"
(There is a long pause.)
Editor: "Valen?"
Valen: "I can't say that line."
Editor: "What's wrong with it?"
Valen: "It is so not true."
Editor: "You don't wanna disappear from the story like your pop do you?"
Valen: "That's an empty threat. I am too young and part of the New Power Generation."
Editor: "Would you like to surpass your egomaniacal parent and acquire TK skill?"
Valen: "You can do that?"
Editor: "We can do anything we want with this story."
Valen: "Count me in!"
Editor: "Then read your line."
Valen: (with fingers crossed so he doesn't mean it) "We want to be just like you. We all do."
Editor: "Now was that so hard. Let's take five."

Four days have come and gone since the transport smooshing, and a day since the last of the flitters have been seen, so our very young teenage heros and their prisoner are back at the crash site, picking at the wreckage.

Blandah: "Anakin, what is a flitter?"
Anakin: "I don' .............     

 40.

Darkness, Anakin and Tahini are sitting by the side of the road smoking some of the local vegetation when a bearded guy dressed in rags shows up.
Darkness: ( with mild interest) ?Hey.?
Bearded Guy Dressed in Rags: ?Hey.?
Darkness: ?You got a name??
Bearded Guy Dressed in Rags: ?Call me Churl.?
Darkness: (blowing smoke rings) ?Zat your name??
Churl: ?Last time I checked it was.? He stares at Anakin expectantly.
Anakin gives him a puzzled look. ?Yeah??
Churl: (sighing) ?Kid, don?t you know your lines? You?re supposed to recognize me!?
Anakin: (squinting at him) ?Never seen you before.?
Churl: ?You know, your brother and sister? I saved them from the Shadow Academy.?
Anakin: ?What?s that??
Tahini: ?It?s YJK. I think.?
Anakin: (groaning) ?This is YJK. I know.? (To Churl) ?You coulda minded your own business, y?know, instead of saving the super twins. I wouldn?t have objected.?
Tahini: ?Nor me.?
Darkness: (he hasn?t a clue what they?re talking about, but he?s feeling very mellow) ?Me either.?
Churl: ?Look, kid, I?m just a bit player here, so don?t give me any grief, okay? I?m just supposed to tell you I saw Pong ships.?
Anakin: (to the Editor) ?What?s he here for, then? Couldn?t I just see the Pong ships myself??
Editor: (shrugging) ?We?re catering to the kiddie brigade, here, Anakin. They like to see obscure YJK characters.?
Anakin: ?Well, I don?t!?
Tahini: (fanning herself with her body armour) ?Neither do I.?
Darkness: (beatifically) ?Me either!?
Editor: (brusquely) ?Anakin, your scene with Rheumy Vein is next.?
Anakin: (mutinously) ?So??
Editor: ?So hop to it!?
Anakin: ?And if I don?t??
Editor: ?Well, you remember that face of durasteel you didn?t want??
Anakin: ?Yeah??
Editor: ?You just may get it.?
Anakin: ?Huh??
Editor: (to himself) ?I like it! ?The Man in the Durasteel Mask?----maybe we can get Leonardo DiCrapio interested!?
Anakin: ?Hey! What are you talking about? I?m the Chosen One! The New Jedi in the New Jedi Order! You need me!?
Editor: (coyly) ?Well, maybe we do, and maybe we don?t.?
Anakin: ?Alright already! Where?s Vein??
Rheumy: (without enthusiasm) ?Here.?
Anakin: ?Okay. I threaten you.?
Rheumy: (rolling his eyes) ?Oh, yeah. I?m really scared.?
Anakin: ?You?re gonna take Valin and Blandah off this moon.?
Rheumy: ?Why??
Anakin: ?Oh give me a break. ?Cause I?m the hero of this stupid book, that?s why! And this is fantasy, right? Everybody does what I say instead of kicking my ass. What other adolescent in the galaxy lives like that? And the answer is: none. But I do?-and don?t forget it! So get on with it!?
Rheumy: ?Why don?t you take them??
Anakin: ?Cause I gotta go save Tahini.?
Tahini: (scowling) ?I don?t need saving.?
Editor: (primly) ?Yes, you do, Tahini. That was the point of the dream sequence.?
Tahini: ?I thought the point was sex and violence.?
Editor: ?Well, um, that too. Tasteful sex and violence, mind you.?
Tahini: ?We?re back to the juvenile writing style, I see. Never thought I?d say this but??
Anakin: ?But, what??
Tahini: ??But I will anyway: I miss George Meredith.?

Commander Sick Voodoo of the Pong aimed his opalescent eyes at the trembling human, restraining the part of himself that wanted to engage in mindlessly violent behavior.

Voodoo: "What are you laughing at infidel."
Amistad: (stifling more giggles) "Oh, nothing."
Voodoo: "Tell me or I will beat it out of you."
Amistad: "Oh, it's just this writer, Keybored. He just can't seem to describe anyone's eye color normally. You are opalescent. Back one chapter, someone else was jade and obsidian.
Voodoo: "What is your point?"
Amistad: "That is rather gaudy for your kind isn't it? Does he actually mean to say your eyes are capable of refracting light and reflecting it in a play of colors? Or did he just mean that they are dark. Though you do love to show off your gaudy tattoos, not to be confused with tattoos of the heart."
Voodoo: "You are just trying to confuse me."
Amistad: "No sir."
Voodoo: "Ever since DS9 and Voyager went off the air, it is hard to get parts for alien heavies."
Amistad: "Not good enough to be a Scarren, huh."
Voodoo: "That's what they said. How'd you guess?"
Amistad: "Oh, just the... nevermind."
Voodoo: "Listen up, you may not have trouble finding work, but I'll take whatever I can get."
Amistad: "You think this was my first choice?"
Voodoo: "Then read your lines and start acting like a mewling hewmon."
Amistad: "Whatever you say."

(Insert yet another description of a male Pong, his ecstasy over his disfigurement and self-mutilation, and glory to his gods.)

Voodoo: "My men tell me you are one of these Tistos... Testostrr... (bangs head by ear) damn sourworms can't translate."
Amistad: "Testosterone?"
Voodoo: "Yes, one of the Flunkey Bridage, and that you are on our side."
Amistad: "That is correct."
Voodoo: "Our traitor in the Senate told us there were many Jedi kids on this moon we could capture, torture, and run vile experiments on. Where are they?"
Amistad: "They escaped."
Voodoo: "Because of your incompetence."
Amistad: "Hey, I'm just playing my part. If it wasn't for me, all of them would have escaped."
Voodoo: "All of them?"
Amistad: "Umm, yeah, we captured one, and there are three more on the loose."
Voodoo: "How do you know this?"
Amistad: "Karrde tipped his hand and told me there were still 4 kids on the moon. One of them might be Anakin Solo."
Voodoo: "Oh? Anakin the NJO Chosen One, brother to Jacen, the NJO Irritating One?"
Amistad: "Yes sir."
Voodoo: "Glorious. Many Pong warriors will die in pursuit of his capture. They shall be martyrs. Songs will be sung about this day. Glorious."
Amistad: (rolling his eyes) "Great."
Voodoo: "Because you use mekkanicks, your ships will be destroyed."
Amistad: "But how will we leave this moon?"
Voodoo: "That is your problem, not ours. Take me to this captured one."
Amistad: "No, not unless you let us..."
(Insert a tame, but still mindlessly violent death.)
Voodoo: "You, take me to the captured one."
Amistad's Flunkey: "Yesss sir."
Voodoo: "Vain Lean, secure the planet. I want the Dumb-U-Techs landed by the end of the day."

So, back on Core-u-skank, Luke and Jaina have an interview with Dorkus Felt?ya, the Peerless Leader of the New Republic.
Luke: ?Why are you here??
Dorkus: ?I work here.?
Luke: (pointing to Jaina) ?No: I mean her.?
Jaina: (smugly) ?Can?t have a scene without one of us.?
Dorkus: (more confused than ever) ?You mean Jedi??
Jaina: ?No! I mean adolescents. Don?t want the eleven-and-a-half year olds in the audience to lose interest, do we??
Luke: ?Then why not Jacen? He?s actually my apprentice, which you aren?t.?
Jaina: (sourly) ?I decided that I wasn?t getting enough play in the books.?
Luke staggers backward, his hands over his heart.
Luke: ?You think you aren?t getting enough play??
Jaina: (ignoring the byplay) ?Yeah.?
Luke: ?Are you a Jedi Master??
Jaina: ?No.?
Luke: ?Did you save the galaxy?twice??
Jaina: ?Nope.?
Luke: ?Did you revive the Jedi Order, single-handed??
Jaina: ?Nein, nyet, no, no Nanette.?
Luke: (bellowing) ?Then what are you complaining about??
Jaina: (squinting at him) ?You?re not WimpyLuke, are you??
Luke: ?Surprise!?
Jaina snaps her fingers. Several burly looking guys, led by the Editor, enter stage right.
Jaina: ?Yah know, Uncle Luke, we really can?t have you asserting yourself....(to the Editor and his attendant stooges) ?Okay, do it.?
The stooges grab Luke and haul him away. The Editor leads a man who exactly like Luke into the room.
Jaina: (to the man who looks exactly like Luke) ?Are you WimpyLuke??
WimpyLuke: ?I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.?
Jaina: ?Bingo!?
Editor: ?Now, where were we??
Jaina: ?Dorkus was going to be an egregious jerk, weren?t you, Dorkus??
Dorkus: (dryly) ?I aim to please.?
Editor: ?So get on with it.?
Dorkus: ?Let?s see...okay. Master Skywalker, I am going to be absolutely servile to these violent, creepy aliens that have being killing zillions of innocent citizens of the galaxy. After all, we have a truce, right? We have to honour it. Don?t want the Pong to think we don?t keep our word. They never keep theirs, of course, but hey, it would be rude to complain. We wouldn?t want the Pong to think we?re as bad as they are, would we? Oh, by the way, I?m gonna sacrifice the Jedi to them to buy a little time, but don?t take it personally.?
WimpyLuke doesn?t respond. He looks a bit spaced.
Dorkus: ?Master Skywalker!?
WimpyLuke: (whining, to the Editor) ?I was promised a hamburger today!?
Editor: (grabbing WimpyLuke by the front of his shirt) ?Say your lines! Now!?
WimpyLuke: ?Hell, I can?t even remember them.?
Jaina: ?It doesn?t matter what he says. He just has to be thoroughly passive.?
WimpyLuke: (he?s confused) ?Why??
Jaina: (smugly) ?The better to contrast with the brave, active, intelligent teenagers, of course.?
WimpyLuke: (he?s still confused) ?The teenagers I know aren?t like that. They sit around contemplating their navels, scratching their zits, and listening to Goth music.?
Jaina: ?This is a parallel universe, kid.?
Dorkus: (muttering) ?Ain?t that the truth.?
Jaina: ?Then I get to tell Dorkus off.?
WimpyLuke: (he?s even more confused) ?Shouldn?t I do it??
Jaina: ?No. The fact is, you never do anything in these books. You don?t even get any good lines.?
Dorkus: ?Kid, if you think ?I hope one day you really smell the stink in your heart and choke on the fumes? is a good line, you?ve been in a parallel universe waaaaaaaaaay too long.?
Jaina: ?Beats your lines!?
Dorkus: (sighing) ?True.?
WimpyLuke: (hopefully tucking a napkin into his collar) ?Is somebody bringing my hamburger??

Our intrepid hero (or is it insipid?), Anakin, was flying through the air, surfing the treetops like a typical California surfer dude. His flying craft was build off-screen at some point 3 to 5 chapters ago when they weren't doing anything. In one of the many mistakes of the book, it said the craft was build of an A-wing repulsorlift, but it was really an E-wing that crashed and was salvaged. Ani constucted this fanboy surfing speeder -- meant to be reminicient of the speeders in ROTJ or Maul's swoop -- because he was halfway across the planet, and now he had to reluctantly rescue his bete-noire, Tahini. Flying day and night, taking only short naps, and over-using the Force to keep himself going, at least 10 days had passed, the last 2 without food. An adult Jedi would have collapsed at this point, but not our super-duper Solo kid. His eyes started to droop and he felt himself being embraced by . . .

Anakin: (snapping out of it) "Hey, what are you doing?"
Fatigue: "Playing my role, you're supposed to slip into my arms because you are so tired."
Anakin: "No, I'm not. I never fall asleep on the job."
Fatigue: "Whatever you say, dude."
Anakin: "Who are you anyway?"
Fatigue: "I am Fatigue."
Anakin: "Did you hear that?"
Fatigue: "Hear what?"
Anakin: "That noise, coming from over there." (Ani points in the distance)
Fatigue: "No. You must be imagining things. You sure you don't wanna slip into my arms and sleep? Any adult Jedi would have succumbed to me long ago."
Anakin: "What are you? Some kind of perv? Always trying to embrace me?"
Fatigue: "I could whisper to you like a mother."
Anakin: "No, that was Darkness's job."
Darkness: "Did someone call my name?"
Anakin: "What are you doing back?"
Darkness: "It says here, 'found himself in full darkness'. That's me!"
Fatigue: (to Darkness) "Hey cuz, how ya doin?"
Anakin: "Look over there, I told you I heard something."
Fatigue: "Sithspawn!"
Anakin: "Hey, that's my line!"
Darkness: "It is flying parallel to us."
Fatigue: "It looks like some sort of speeder analog."
Darkness: "Now it's changed course towards us. What are you going to do?"
Anakin: "Drop into the forest and hide. And stop stealing my ideas."
Darkness: "Look out for that branch." (too late, they hit it, and Ani uses the Force to keep from crashing)
Fatigue: "Nice recovery."
Anakin: "Am I a great pilot or what?"
Darkness: "A great pilot would not have hit the branch."
Anakin: "Who asked you?"
Darkness: "You did!"
Anakin: "It was a rhetorical question."
Darkness: "Whatever."
Fatigue: "Chop, chop. That thing just dropped into the forest to follow us."
Anakin: "How can he do that? Darkness has everything obscured." (Darkness looks proud)
Fatigue: "How do these guys do anything."
Darkness: "It is their do-everything living technology."
Fatigue: "You know there isn't anything they can't do."
Anakin: "I suppose you are right."
Fatigue: "Now he's shooting at us."
(Something grabbed Ani's speeder, and because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, he went flying over the handlebars.)
Fatigue: "See ya later, kid."
(Ani landed in heap in front of a Vine Plant)
Vine Plant: "Ah, dinner."
Anakin: "I don't think so."
Vine Plant: "Gotchya."
Anakin: "Try again."
Vine Plant: "I have you now."
Anakin: "Damn this thing is tough."
(Ani cuts the vines and jumps on top of the Pong speeder, which has just been watching the show below.)
Fatigue: "Hang on kid."
Darkness: "Cut into the gravity thingy."
Anakin: "Stop telling me what to do."
(While falling, Ani stabs the gravity thing. {can't do it the easy way} The ship is disabled and crashes, miraculously not falling on top of Ani, who falls to the ground with a great thud.)
Fatigue: "Don't worry, kid, we've got you."
(Ani finally passes out.)
Darkness: "Should I whisper to him like a mother now?"
Fatigue: "Nah, we've overused that phrase enough already."

Later, Jaina is telling group consisting of Jacen, Mara, Shady, and Celine about the meeting with Dorkus. WimpyLuke is wandering around the room, still looking for his hamburger.
Editor: ?Now, Jacen, make your usual stupidly passive remark, and then WimpyLuke will do his ?I-am-passive-beyond-belief? stuff.?
WimpyLuke: (glaring at him) ?You promised me a hamburger! Today! I want it!!!?
Editor: ?Oh, for godsakes?? (to one of his stooges) ?Get him the damn hamburger!?
WimpyLuke: (to the stooge) ?With double everything!?
The rest of the group stare at WimpyLuke with something like fascination.
Shady: (sotto voce) ?Well, now we know he can be assertive??
Mara: (sighing) ?But only about food. You can?t have an ordinary conversation with him. Unless you want to talk about condiments.?
WimpyLuke: (suddenly galvanized) ?Yes! I love French?s! So what if it?s exactly the same colour as toxic waste and glows in the dark!?
Mara stuffs a sock in WimpyLuke?s mouth.
Jaina: ?Thanks. I can?t take much more.?
Mara: (shrugging) ?Join the club.?
Editor: ?Get on with it!?
Shady: ?Oh, alright!? (to the others) ?So what do we do now??
WimpyLuke: (he?s spat out his sock and is now munching on a Big Mac with double everything) ?Dunno.?
Editor: ?Luke! You?ve got your hamburger! You?re supposed to say your lines!?
WimpyLuke: (chewing calmly) ?I don?t do lines. Not unless you?re willing to pay in Whoppers...and if you want ideas, you?d better talk to the original.?
Sighing, the Editor motions to the stooges, who collar WimpyLuke, drag him off, still munching, and return shortly thereafter with the real thing.
Mara: (giving him a surreptitious hug) ?You okay, hon??
Luke: (dusting himself off and hugging her back) ?Yeah.? He glares at the Editor.
Editor: ?Luke, we want you to have an idea.?
Luke: (sarcastically) ?I think I?ve forgotten how. And anyway, isn?t that the kids? department??
Editor: ?Do you want us to replace you with WimpyLuke again??
Luke: (rolling his eyes) ?We need a Star Destroyer.?
All: ?A Star Destroyer??
Luke: ?Yeah. Which means Terrik.?
Jaina: ?Okay, Terrik. And who?s gonna look for him??
Luke: ?You and Jacen are.?
Jaina: (suspiciously) ?This isn?t just a ploy to get rid of us??
Luke: ?Well, of course it is, but don?t complain. Your parents didn?t even get to make cameos in this book. That?s why we can?t ask them to help out?they?re, um, out of contact.?
Jaina: ?Say, Uncle Luke, if Mom is your twin sister, how come you can?t contact her telepathically??
Luke: ??Cause DullWay doesn?t want to pay union rates for your ?rents for this book. As juveniles, they pay a cut rate for you, so you?re cheaper.?
Jaina: ?Oh. Makes sense to me.?
Shady: ?But what about the Jedi kids? I?ll have to take them with me, and I need a ship that?s big enough.?
Mara; ?I?ll take you in my ship.?
Luke: (to Mara) ?Neither one of us can leave Core-U-skank.?
Mara: ?Why not??
Luke: ?Cause after we solemnly promised to tell no one about the baby, including my sister, in order to protect him, you must now blurt out that you?re pregnant.?
Mara: ?That?s stupid!?
Luke: (shrugging) ?Well, this is the NJO. You should be used to it by now.?
Mara: ?I won?t do it!?
Editor: ?Mara!?
Mara: (mutinously) ?Yeah??
Editor: ?We don?t have a WimpyMara--yet. But we could.?
Jaina: (sotto voce) ?Actually, you do. Depending on the author.?
There is ominous silence for a few minutes. Finally, grimacing, Mara does her duty.
Mara: ?Hey, I?m pregnant.? Everyone stares at her.
Jaina: ?Aren?t you a 159 years old or something? How can you be pregnant??
Mara: (ironically) ?The Force was with us. And DullWay needed a gimmick to boost sales.?
Jaina: ?Oh. Makes sense to me.?
Mara: (looking a Jacen) ?What are you doing, anyway??
Jacen: ?I?m redshifting.?
Mara: ?What?s that??
Jacen: ?Beats me.?
Editor: ?It means he?s blushing.?
Mara: ?Well, why not just say he?s blushing then??
Editor: ?Because ?redshifting? sounds more macho. And he needs all the help he can get in that.....
 Before Lil' Ani meets his new HugeScam Pong ... I mean YubYub Pong ... best pal, Very Repugnant, he decides to have a strategy session with the usual suspects: the LucasWhim Marketing Minion, the Chief DullWay Overlord and the ever-mysterious, faceless Editor.

Ani: (To all present) "Is this going to be a stand up fight or just another bug hunt?"
Editor: "Hey, you stole that line from the movie Aliens."
Ani: "Yeah, but isn't that allowed? I mean, there isn't anything original about this series ? which is all just a big fat 'bug hunt,' by the way."
CDO: (angrily) "Deciding which tired, sci-fi story retreads to use in the NJO is our job."
LMM: "Yeah, Ani, you just stick to acting like an impossibly perfect hero."
Ani: (Rubbing his nails on his chest, looking smug) "Hehe, I won't have to act much."

The usual suspects all groan and roll their eyes.

Ani: "You know, I've been hearing a lot on the bulletin boards about me, lately."
CDO: "You mean that tribute one of our biggest lackeys started up about you?"
Ani: "Don't get me wrong, I love most of the mindless gushing over my magnificence, but guys that take that much of an interest in me, I can do without ? if you know what I mean."
>LMM: "Oh right, but you know we have to employ some rather unsavory characters from time to time."
Ani: "I understand. Anyway, it's the other hearsay I'm talking about."
Editor: "Oh, you mean that? Pay no attention to those rumors."
Ani: (skeptically) "You're not planning on selling me out, are you?"
Editor: "After all the money we've spent on you and your entourage, plus pumping up your character? Never. Not a chance."

Humorous Version Overlord: "Just think if they did, though. They could afford to hire some A-list authors to actually produce some well written, quality stories published in longer books instead of the short, juvenile, B-list drivel they've served up so far."

LMM: (whispering to the CDO) "We've retained those entourage folks on short-term contracts, right?"
CDO: (whispering back) "Absolutely, they?re on a month to month basis. This whole NJO mess is handled similarly ? in case we have to abandon it in the middle of the night."
LMM: (whispering again) "Excellent."
CDO: (Turning back to Ani) "If you feel a little uneasy, you could ? um ? take out some additional life insurance."
Ani: "Life insurance, eh? Hmmm ? that might not be a bad idea."
CDO: (Quickly pulls a stack of papers out of his briefcase and hands them to Ani) "I just happen to have a $10 kajillion policy right here."
Ani: "This wouldn't be the same outfit that insures our X-Wings and other ships, would it?"
CDO: "Umm ... no, a different holding company."
Ani: "Thanks." (he begins to flip through all 159 pages of it ... and then stops abruptly) "Hey, why are you three listed as the beneficiaries?"
LMM: "Oops, that must be a mistake."
Editor: "Um, yeah, a mistake. Just sign it and we'll have one of our secretaries correct that for you."
Ani: "OK. Makes sense to me." (He signs the policy and hands it back)
CDO: "And while we're on the subject of changes, we've decided to modify your wardrobe a bit.
Ani: "My wardrobe? I kinda like the tough, black leather look I've already got."
CDO: "I think you'll like this even better, it's mostly black leather but we wanted to add color ? for some extra flash."

The CDO snaps his fingers and a pimple encrusted flunky brings in a new costume featuring black pants, a black cape and a bright red shirt.

Ani: "Are you kidding!? a red shirt!? How dumb do you think I am!?"
LMM: (innocently) "We have no idea what you're talking about."
Ani: "I know what happens to people in sci-fi who wear red shirts. I think I remember seeing Chewie trying one on right before a moon fell on his head."
CDO: (trying to keep a straight face)"What kind of hacks do you take us for? We'd never recycle old plots."
Ani: "But you do recycle old covers."
LMM: "Now, now Chosen One. How many times have our mouthp...... 
A short interlude. Can't spend too much time on the yicky Pong.

Iam Dim was standing on the surface of Spavined... I mean Yasmine4 watching the Dumb-U-Techs descend to the planet. In order to give the impression that she is both exotic and evil, she wears a headdress of slithering snakes, ala Medusa. Since we have a new author, this must mean that Iam Dim is a member of a new sect of Pong society we haven't seen before. Sure enough, Dim scooped up a bunch of soil and started kneeding the soil.

Kum Kwatt: (reproachingly) "Are you playing in the dirt again?"
Iam Dim: (supplicating) "Yes Master Kwatt. I can't resist. The clay calls to me." (pointing to the wall) "Look at all those figures I've shaped already."
Kum Kwatt: (impressed) "Wow, you've been busy."
Iam Dim: (dryly) "Gotta pass the time somehow."
Kum Kwatt: "Is this your first time on a planet, Adupe?
Iam Dim: "Yes, all I've ever known is the stink of a ship."
Kum Kwatt: (snort of laughter) "Our ships do smell don't they. Do you know why you are here?
Iam Dim: "Because Keybored needs to introduce his own Pong society?"
Kum Kwatt: "Besides that.
Iam Dim: "Oh, well... I dunno, I go where I am told."
Kum Kwatt: "I've seen your work. You can go far. Fanboyz and fangurlz will pay through the nose for any NJO figures, and we can make a killing on the black-market."
Iam Dim: "But, doesn't greed go against our societial philosophy?"
Kum Kwatt: "Greed, smeed. So what if we're a little selfish in making a buck or two on the side. All this pious selflessness is boring."
Iam Dim: "Makes sense to me."

Kum Kwatt: "Come, we have a Jedi prisoner. We have some shaping to do. She can be our template."
Iam Dim: "After you Master."
Kum Kwatt: "Plus, we need to get you your shapers hand."
Iam Dim: "What's wrong with the two hands that I have?"
Kum Kwatt: "Because having swiss army knife fingers is fanboy kewl."
Iam Dim: "Will I be able to use these valuable tools?"
Kum Kwatt: "Are you kidding me. It is just for show."
Iam Dim: "What is the point, then?"
Kum Kwatt: "Remember. Fanboy kewl. Besides Keybored needs to get in a few graphic images and show you enjoying pain. It wouldn't be the NJO without it."
Iam Dim: "Makes sense to me."


** Thanks to Bror Jace for coming up with Iam Dim.

Iam Dim and Kum Kwatt are in one of the Dumb-U-Techs working over their "guest". Tahini sinks to the floor screaming in agony.

Kum Kwatt: "Would you look at that, Dupe Dim. Very interesting."
Iam Dim: "What's that Master?"
Kum Kwatt: "The way she reacts ... "
Y'all Phat: (interrupting Kwatt) "I fail to see what you find so interesting Master Kwatt."
Kum Kwatt: "So nice of you to join us Old Codger."
Y'all Phat: "Tell me what interests you."
Kum Kwatt: "This ... girl ... is a employee of LucasWhim, yet every time we start playing "The Phantom Menace" she starts screaming in agony. That isn't the normal reaction.
Y'all Phat: "And we can use this information how?"
Kum Kwatt: "Obviously, she doesn't tow the party line. We must study her so that we can understand why she isn't just another party-line towing toady."
Y'all Phat: "You strain our ways Kwatt. What use is it to study such a free-thinker?"
Iam Dim: (timidly interrupting) "But, Master Phat, won't studying her ... "
Y'all Phat: (to Kwatt) "Are your Dupe's always so rude? (to Dim) Tell me child, what do we do with free-thinking, non-party liners?"
Iam Dim: "Flame them and suck up to the Overlords for guidance."
Y'all Phat: "Yes. All that is good comes from the Overlords. Free-thinking isn't allowed. Whatever the Overlords and Scribes do or don't do, there must be a good reason for it; questioning their motives or methods is the stuff of anarchists."
Iam Dim: "Yes, whatever you say Master Y'All Phat."
Y'all Phat: "That's okay child. I suspect your Master hasn't given you apologist training yet."
Kum Kwatt: "You are just jealous I was given the assignment for this brainwashing."
Y'all Phat: "Jealous? Hardly. Just cautious. You come close to being a free-thinker with your different ways."
Kum Kwatt: "My different ways get results."
Y'all Phat: "Trying to understand the free-thinkers is not our way."
Kum Kwatt: "Oh, poo, stop being such a square."

An amused Tahini has been watching this exchange and starts blasting some free-thinker music (Dylan, Baez, Mitchell, take your pick) at the loudest possible volume. The Pong begin to shrivel and collapse from the volume and words that assault their brains. Before collapsing, Dupe Dim grabs the remote control and blasts the "Star Wars Christmas Special". Tahini falls to the floor in convulsions of hysterics. Master Kwatt retrieves the remote control from Iam Dim.

Kum Kwatt: "Quick thinking Dupe Dim, but dial it back. Even moderate viewing of the "Star Wars Christmas Special" is enough to send people over the edge. We need her functional if we are to use her."
Y'all Phat: "What just happened.
Iam Dim: "If I may, I recognized that the ... girl ... used the Farce to crank up the volume in an attempt to overwhelm us with free-thinking ideas and blast our eardrums to incapacitate us."
Kum Kwatt: "And if it wasn't for my Dupe, we'd be dead."
Iam Dim: "You see Master Phat, even though I am young and inexperienced, I get to have all the answers and be the rescuer."
Y'all Phat: "Why are all us old characters treated as feeble."
Kum Kwatt: "Because it's the NJO."
Y'all Phat: "Makes sense to me."
Kum Kwatt: "You are welcome to observe us in this brainwashing."
Y'all Phat: "No thanks, I have to be going."
Kum Kwatt: "So soon?"
Y'all Phat: "Yes, I have to go to planet they call Murky. I am only in this book to introduce my character. I'll be used later."
Kum Kwatt: "Are you sure about that?"
Y'all Phat: "Well, it would be stupid for them not to use me in Scar by Scar. One of the formerly smart characters in this series let slip some information that will be crucial to our plans in Scar by Scar."
Kum Kwatt: "You're not important to the story. The Overlords will forget you."
Y'all Phat: "They can't. Without my role, there wouldn't be a story for Scar by Scar."
Kum Kwatt: "Really? This is the NJO. There doesn't need to be any explanation."
Y'all Phat: "You'll see."
Kum Kwatt: "I'm not holding my breath."

HVO: It is a good thing too. Early word

We cut to Lil? Ani walking alongside his newest, gooiest and bestest, HugeScam Pong pal ? Very Repugnant.

Satirist?s Note: I hoped to add this (which I wrote last summer) to the parody AFTER someone had written a passage showing Ani and Very Repugnant?s first meeting. But, as it happens, the thread died off last fall before events had reached that stage. Regardless, this is the NJO where the most important bits of the story are done off-screen or without adequate explanation so it actually fits in some weird and twisted way. Sure, how Ani meets this gooey dude is something the reader would want to see, but since the pros make major gaffs omitting critical story elements I decided it was OK that I cut corners in a parody fanf-fic bit. I hope the readers understand.

Lil? Ani and Very Repugnant are chatting in a quiet corner inside a Pong living building called a Dumb-U-Tec. Ani gets up to leave.

VR: ?Where are you going??
Ani: ?I found some lame crystal and I need to fix my lightsaber ? so I?m gonna sneak around in this living place that?s very unfamiliar to me even though I won?t be able to sense trouble through The Force.
VR: ?Oh. Makes sense to me.?
Ani: ?I?m sure I won?t get caught ? but if I do, I?ll just make up more of that childish, wooden dialogue where I pretend to be a slave ? it seems to fool the Pong even if it isn?t remotely believable ??

VR goes into hysterics when Ani uses the word ?Pong?.

Ani: ?Um, why do you wig out over nothing every now and then??
VR: ?Don?t you see? I?m trying to give character and depth to our race of generic, committee-designed, let?s-make-this-rubbish-up-as-we-go-along-aliens-from-beyond.?
Ani: (still confused) ? ? Because ? ??
VR: ?We?re gonna be plundering this galaxy for a couple more years so we have to periodically engage in some weird antics to try and make us seem interesting.?
Ani: ?Oh. Makes sense to me.? (rolls his eyes)
VR: ?Want to see what happens when you pull my finger??
Ani: ?Um, no thanks.?
VR: ?Ha, that was a trick question! I sacrificed my fingers to our god Yum-Yum Yummy-In-My-Tummy long ago. We do this to show how worthy we are.?
Ani: ?Oh, we look at people with missing digits as idiots who can?t be trusted with simple tools.?

Lil? Ani leaves to retrieve his fritzed-out lightsaber from one of the numerous puddles of slime in the Pong?s gooey Dumb-U-Tech building then quickly returns to Very Repugnant with it in one hand and some lame crystal in the other.

VR: ?Are you going to install that lame crystal into your blasphemous flashlight weapon so we can kick some butt??
Ani: ?No, I?m going to just pop it in and meditate in the gullet of this Dumb-U-Tech for a couple days to make sure it works.?
VR: ?Meditate??
Ani: ?Yes. This is the Non-Jedi Order and we have to do as much Jedi-type stuff as possible seeing as how we can?t use The Force on the Pon ? um, I mean ?you guys?. The fans need to know it?s still Star Wars because the story seems anything but.
VR: ?Well, we were originally cast for Babylon 5 but things didn?t work out.?
Ani: ?That?s too bad. Anyway, I have no tools, etc ? with which to work on the crystal, so we?ll just chill for a while in the basement of this dump.?
VR: ?So, any old crystal will work in your flashlight weapon??
Ani: ?Of course not. Lightsabers need special crystals which are mined on only one planet ? or you can produce a synthetic one in a special kiln which takes days. That?s why lightsabers are so rare. But I?m sure these living crystals, grown in an alien plant from another galaxy that I?ve never been to, will work perfectly ? even if I can?t cut, shape or modify them in any way.?
VR: ?Makes sense to me. So, why don?t we just hide in the jungle during that time??
Ani: "Because when we squeeze out of the gullet, it sets up the proper imagery for me and my heroic actions"
VR: "How do you figure that?"
Ani: "From the ashes of my initial failure and burned out lightsaber, I will be reborn a new, better Jedi with an improved lightsaber. A new me 



 

We join the Lucaswhim Marketing Minion (LMM) and the Chief DullWay Overlord (CDO) in a secret fall strategy session:

LMM: (sarcastically) That went over well, didn?t it?
CDO: Really well ... like pancreatic cancer.
LMM: Didn?t this author get the implant like the others? Aren?t they supposed to make you behave properly in public?
CDO: Well, he started off OK on the forums ... but then his ?strong personality? took over and shorted out the unit. Those model implants have their limits, you know.
LMM: What is it with these authors threatening to sue readers who criticize them?
CDO: (sheepishly) I?m sorry that was out of line.
LMM: No. I wouldn?t say it was ?out of line? ... but threatening to sue people is Da Boss?s territory, He hates it when low-level hirelings encroach on his turf.
CDO: (experiencing a ?Eureka? moment) Ohhhh, of course. I?d forgotten. Well, we?ve installed new heavy-duty personality-suppressing implants and they seem to be holding ? for now.
LMM: Excellent.
CDO: And we had another author jump into the fray ? disguised this time!
LMM: Oh Puhhlleease! Everyone knew that ?Path to Derision? fellow was really R ...
CDO: Sshhhh!!! That info is top secret and must never be spoken out loud, not even in private!
LMM: (rolls his eyes in protest) But most of the Cranks figured out right away who he was!
CDO: Well, they may think that they did, but we must never confirm it.
LMM: Sssuurrre. Did you see the way he pounced all over Bjorn Borg right off the bat? The way he was convinced Emperor Palindrome & Princess Aleve were the same person?
CDO: So, what?s the problem? We hate those Extremist Cranks, remember?
LMM: Of course I remember, but he pretended to be new to the forum, yet obviously knew those characters from years of arguing with them. That major-league-A-hole, The Emerald Flamer, saw through his disguise right away! How could your guy be so stupid?
CDO: Well, he used other camouflage ...
LMM: Yeah, some painfully lame lines like "I want to fly with Han Solo in the Millennium Falcon." (rolls his eyes) That guy doesn?t write for a living, does he?
CDO: No, not well he doesn?t. Nevertheless, we need to maintain our cover story to the bitter end.

to be continued ... 

A Dark menace emerges from the depths of the fan fic boards.
continued ?

LMM: While on the subject of bitter ends, your books are continuing their slow, inexorable slide towards ignominy. That last movie novelization was the first of that ilk which failed to make it to #1 on the NYT Bestseller list.
CDO: Gee, that wouldn?t have anything to do with Da Boss?s amateurish script, would it?
LMM: Naahhh, couldn?t be. We must not have hyped it hard enough, that?s all.
CDO: Da Boss is getting really cheap in his old age, isn?t he? Doesn?t even bother to advertise much anymore.
LMM: (arrogantly) Well, when you?ve got an established following of drooling fanboys who cheer when our logo appears on movie screens, you can scrimp on expensive ?luxuries? like advertising ...
CDO: (half under his breath) ... and writing, acting, directing, a coherent plot ...
LMM: (ignoring him) Anyway, buying off writers at Time & Newsweek was cheaper and more effective promotion.
CDO: So, I guess you?re figuring the toy sales alone will make the whole mess worthwhile?
LMM: (looks down at the floor bitterly) Don?t talk to me about toys. We?re still loaded to the gills with leftover Clone crap. Making it worse, Wal-Mart has given most of our shelf space to Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. How are we 'sposed to peddle this junk?
CDO: (enjoying his counterpart?s frustration) Well, we all have our crosses to bear. Let?s focus on the positives.
LMM: Positives are gettin? pretty scarce these days.
CDO: Yes, but did you read the latest addition to the Conquest Humorous Version on TF.N?
LMM: (shuddering) No, I try stay away from that sort of abuse. Those jerks give me headaches.
CDO: Actually, it can be kinda funny (hands him a printed copy).
LMM: (reading) Hmmm ... the fools. They portray me as a dolt when I?m really more the criminal-mastermind-type.
CDO: (rolls his eyes sarcastically) Yeah, and they portray me as 15lbs. heavier than I really am. Geez, get over yourself!
LMM: Ha ha! So what?s your point?
CDO: Well, we monitor the forums and listen to the Crank?s complaints about the books ...
LMM: (interrupting frantically) But we don?t care what they think! (suspiciously) You?re not suddenly developing literary standards, are you?
CDO: No, of course not! But when we incorporate their complaints into books, the fanboys really eat it up. They literally drool over this junk!
LMM: That?s all well and good, but those geeks will get all moist when we offer them rubbish, that?s why we call them drooling fanboys.
CDO: But don?t you see the irony of it all? The Cranks complain and criticize ad infinitum and all the while we use them as unpaid consultants. We steal their ideas and make money with them but they?ll never see a dime for all their years of input!
LMM: (having a ?Eureka? moment of his own, he smiles) Well, all right then. As long as we?re screwin? people over, I?m happy!

We leave as the LMM and CDO as they plan the release of the 3rd prequel movie and accompanying novelization so it will compete as little as possible with Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings. Evidently, getting a $100M spanking from ?Spiderman? has left wounds that just won?t heal.

 

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 9:40 pm)