WARNING: THIS THREAD CONTAINS ACOLYTE SPOILERS!!!!

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TITLE: The Acolyte Humorous Version
SUBTITLE: The Aco-lite
AUTHORS: In order of appearance: study888, others who write to be edited into this line.
PLOT: 100 Years Before the Rise of the Empire, Dark Forces were afoot, though hidden from the Jedi. One of those Dark Warriors risks exposure to seek revenge. Also 40 years are added to Ki Adi Money Money's life and the Jedi become guilty of big cover up of monumental proportions involving the highest levels of the Jedi.
Rated: PG-13 for language and violence and sex-related humor.
Notes: Anyone can just jump in and write at any time on theforce.net, and also you may ask to be added to our group pm planning thread on that website if you want to plan scenes ahead of time.

Note 3: theforce.net has a "hate speech" policy so I have to tread carefully lest I be banned. I can't please everyone but I have to keep their rules because I've already been banned more than three times for various minor offenses and warned at least three times for "hate speech".

Now let's begin.

STAR WARS
THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

As the SpeakPurpandVacParody Unlmtd Logo Flashes on the Screen, several characters in red and blue, either in helmets or Droids flash by in rapid succession.

Dot Matrix, a Battlestar Galactica Trooper, A man with a mop bucket on his head, Picture-In-Picture iphone Droid from the Present Media, Kindof Thin and Darth Vacuous, and See-Stinky-O

That will be for the whole series, not repeated at the beginning of all 8 Episodes of Season 1.
(That'll save me a lot of typing)

A hundred years before the rise of the Empire, it is a time of peas. The Jedi Order and the Galactic Republic have prospered for centuries without war.

But in the dark corners of the galaxy, a powerful few learn to use the Schwartz in secret.

One of them, a lone assassin (how lone is she actually anyway?), risks discovery to seek revenge....

Imagine if all eight Episodes of Season 1 had an opening crawl like this.

Anyway, the less typing, the better.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog's back.

Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country.

Every good boy does fine.


SC 01 EXT UDDER-DUSK

A lone figure approaches a port city. She wears a mysterious vail over half her face that she won't be wearing for the entire rest of the series, but it sure makes her look bada** while she is wearing it.

She offers a hapless alien creature 30 pieces of silver, blood money.

FANNIE MAY: Where is the Jedi?

ALIEN: (Mumbles something in an alien language.) Translation: Thanks for the dough, lady, try the bar.

SC 02 INT UDDER-LOCAL BAR-DUSK

FANNIE-MAY walks up to a table where a FEMALE HOODED JEDI MASTER is, and challenges her.

FANNIE-MAY: Master Indamatrix, we have unfinished business. Attack me with all your might.

Everyone at the table laughs uproariously as if this is funny.

INDAMATRIX: A Jedi does not attack an unarmed foe.

FANNIE MAY: Yes you do.

Then FANNIE MAY proceeds to open a general can of whupa** on everyone else in the bar almost, prompting MASTER INDAMATRIX to intervene. FLINT YEASTWOOD and WRATT EART and DOCS HOLIDAYS join in the fray, as INDAMATRIX and FANNIE MAY fight hand to hand with FORCE-FU, and INDAMATRIX uselessly asks MAY who trained her, as if she'd tell. FANNIE throws a dagger into a card player's head, who happens to be holding black aces and black eights. He keels over, sprawling face-first onto the table, dead. Outside, DIDN'T HEAR'IM kayaks a HORSE who spilt his milk. All while CAPTAIN HOOK plays a mean piano. THEN FANNIE MAY Force-Flips onto an above balcony, and INDAMATRIX follows her.

INDAMATRIX: (into commlink) I'm reporting an Unidentified Force-Using Flying Object.

A protracted knife and saber fight ensues. INDAMATRIX suddenly yanks down MAY's vail and says: "You!" Then MAY flings a knife at the BARTENDER. INDAMATRIX stops it with the FORCE, but fails to stop the knife FANNIE MAY plunges into her HEART. She dies.

As MAY walks out of the BAR, she tosses the BARTENDER THIRTY MORE PIECES OF SILVER.

FANNIE MAY: Sorry about the mess.

"THE ACO-LITE" flashes in huge letters on a dark screen with the letters making a lunar eclipse.

SC 03 INT TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-CABIN

For the first of MANY times, one of the TWINS suddenly wakes up, sitting bolt upright in her bed. This time it is OSH-KOSH, also known as OCCUPATIOAL SAFETY AND HAZARD ASSOCIATION, but to be brief, we'll call her OSH-KOSH B'GOSH, or OSH-KOSH for short.

Her I-PHONE DROID PICTURE-IN-PICTURE, plays the song "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog' as OSH-KOSH gets out of bed.

OSH-KOSH: (laughs slightly) Good morning, PIP.

She walks over, picks him up and tunes him to a different station.

How sweet it IS to be loved by you.

OSH-KOSH: That's better. Thank you.

Suddenly red lights flash and a buzzer buzzes.

OSH-KOSH (CONT'D): Sounds like we got a job.

SC 04 INT TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-HALLWAY

As a GONK droid goes down the hallway, a MAN calls to OSH-KOSH.

PHILIP: Osh-Kosh, why didn't you come out last night? You missed a wild trip to Non-Shadow with the piloting crew.

OSH-KOSH: What I do on my days off is none of your business, Philip.

PHILIP: Ah, no rest for the wicked.

OSH-KOSH: The wicked rest, and they rest wild and sumptuously and drunkenly and forget about it all the next day. They just don't brag about it.

PHILIP: That's more than I needed to know.

OSH-KOSH: These Nematodans know how to party. And believe me, we par-tay! I'm sure it's not too dissimilar from what you and your crew did down on Non-Shadow.

PHILIP: Actually, come to think of it all we did was gamble and see an opera and visit an art gallery. Sounds like you were on this ship getting wasted.

OSH-KOSH: Wasted is an understatement! We were off da hook! Woooo!

PHILIP: Ok, I get the picture.

OSH-KOSH: What's the emergency?

PHILIP: Shield generator repairs. A stray shot from someone firing a random shot into the sky from a blaster down on the planet below damaged our shields. It was a fluke, I know, but these things happen.

SC 04 EXT SPACE-TRADING CONVENTION SHIP

OSH-KOSH emerges in a heavy-duty space suit. Her MAGNA BOOTS carry her to the shield damage.

SC 05 INT TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-BRIDGE

NEMATODAN 1: What is taking so long? Activate the shields now! Lest that drunk crazy b******* down there fires another shot at out ship.

NEMATODAN 2: Uh, Mech-Niks are on it, sir.

NEMATODAN 1: Why the hell aren't we using Astro-pop Droids?

NEMATODAN 2: To give Osh-Kosh an awesome introduction in this story, sir.

SC 06 EXT SPACE-TRADING CONVENTION SHIP-HULL

OSH-KOSH: (singing) The emitter duct is connected to the hip bone, the hip bone is connected....

With the help of PHILIP and PIP, she begins to fix the shield.

OSH-KOSH: I'll weld it together. (Starts welding using PIP)

PHILIP: Wait. The pressure gauge is spiking.

Suddenly there is a burst of flames, and OSH-KOSH has a flash back to her child-hood.

FLASH BACK VOICES: Mama! Mama!

PHILIP: Stop messing around Osh-Kosh.

OSH-KOSH: I'm not messing around, Philip I'm experiencing PTSD here. (Grabs PIP off her belt) I got it, PIP.

She sprays fire suppressant from PIP to extinguish the flames. Then she looks up and sees a Jedi ship docking with the Trading Convention ship.

PHILIP: Friends of yours?
 

Last edited by study3600 (10/28/2024 1:04 am)