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The Rise of Skywalker Humorous Version
WARNING: SEX HUMOR AND SPOILERS FOR THE RISE OF SKYWALKER AND POSSIBLY ANDOR S2 AND OTHER GENERAL SW SAGA SPOILERS AND POSSIBLY DC/MCU!!!
TITLE: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER HUMOROUS VERSION
SUBTITLE: THE RISE OF SKYRIM
RATED PG-13
LENGTH: AN ENTIRE SHOOTING SCRIPT
PLOT: A SCAVENGER, A FORMER SMUGGLER AND A FORMER STORMTROOPER GO ON A QUEST TO FIND A MCMUFFIN WHICH LEADS TO ANOTHER MCMUFFIN, THEN TAKE ON THE RESURRECTED UMPEROR PALPITATINE HIMSELF.
Notes: The Subtitle does not mean to imply a woman of ill repute in any way. 'Streetwalker' is just the parody name invented waaaay back in 1999 for 'Skywalker'. So I changed it to Skyrim after the game 'Skyrim Legends' to avoid charges of hate speech or sexism. So from now on Marcus Streetwalker will be referred to as Marcus Skyrim to avoid controversy. All other parody names remain the same. This thread is open to other authors as it will be Round Robin once I transfer it to theforce.net. I know many of you hate this movie and would love to take a crack at parodying it. I hope publishing this generates or revives interest in working on the Sequel Trilogy Humorous Versions. The Prequel HV's are done and the OG HV's are nearly done.
In time, on tf.n thread, I may provide a list of links to complete and incomplete Canon HV's, sooner or later.
God bless, and may the Force Be With you.
Brent "study888" Sohlden
May 26, 2025 4:37 AM CDST
A long time ago in a galaxy....
SC 01 EXT SPACE
A vast sea of stars ...oh, you know the rest....
STAR
WARS
HV's
EPISODE IX
THE RISE OF SKYRIM
FEAR THE TALKING DEAD! THE GALAXY HAS heard a SCARY broadcast, a THREAT OF THE REVENGE OF THE BITH, in the SINISTER VOICE OF THE LATE UMPEROR SHEEV PALPITATINE.
GENERAL LEE SMITS OFF dispatches TWO JEDI KNI-er, secret AGENTS to settle the conflict, er, to gather intelligence, while RAINBOW, the last hope for the JEDI, trains for battle against the diabolical THIRD ORDER.
MEANWHILE, unbeknownst to them but knownst to us, SUPREME CREMEPUFF of the Third Order KINDOF THIN rages in search of the Phantom Menace, er UMPEROR., determined to destroy any threat to his power.... (Notice, FOUR DOTS, not 3 at the end of the crawl! Is the story going to continue?)
If you can read this -
BEL MOOKS: study, you already used that joke in another HV.
study3600: Oh, yeah, erm, right.
Last edited by study3600 (5/26/2025 9:44 am)
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Re: The Rise of Skywalker Humorous Version
The Rise of Skywalker Shooting Script
The crawl finishes. Pan down the starfield. Three Third Order BOWTIE FIGHTERS race across the camera (yes there is a camera, even though this is a NES and not a movie) and soar to a Star Whacker as it hovers in front of the planet Mustafarfaraway.
SC 02 EXT MUSTAFARFARAWAY- CARFAX FOX FEN FOREST - DAY
In Carfax Fox Fen, the forest of scorched iron (they sure don't look iron to me) trees on the planet surface (of fr****** lava???????), small fires lick the ground and charge trunks. Why this forest didn't burn down millennia ago is anyone's guess. It shouldn't even BE here! SUPREME CREMEPUFF KINDOF THIN, alias BEEN-THERE OFF, now 30, uses his brightsabre to cut down Mustafarfarawayan warriors known as the AZTEC OF WITLESS wearing helmets outfitted with glowing yellow lights resembling eyes (How do they see?). With THIRD ORDER STORMTROOPERS easily taking down the natives with blasters (that's NOT how asymmetrical warfare works. It's not just that easy plus they have homeland advantage), Kindof Thin runs straight to the warrior, cutting his head off, and then slices down a thin burning tree, causing it to fall on three more, then impales three warriors at once on his red crossguard blade. He generally opens a can of whoopa** on the remaining GUARDS, then swims through the swamp and slays the Swamp Beast and takes the Wayfinder as he pleases-after all he's the fri**** Supreme Cremepuff. The camera zooms in at the device.
SC 03 EXT SPACE
Kindof Thin's Silent But Deadly, being steered through a red nebula. Kindof seems determined when he reaches his destination.
SC 04 EXT LAXITIVE-DESERT-DAY (SURE IT'S NOT NIGHT? IT SURE LOOKS LIKE NIGHT!)
The enormous Bith Temple comes into view, shrouded in darkness and lightning. The sounds of groaning from indigestion and upset stomachs can be heard, THIN leaves his ship, draws his brightsabre and activates it as he walks to the temple's opening. Brief cut to black. A hexagonal platform is lowered down into the catacombs of the planet. A familiar ominous voice fills the air....
PALPITATINE: The Supreme Chancellor has notified me of the situation. There is a question of procedure, but I'm sure we can overcome it. I have the Senate bogged down in procedures. The negotiations haven't started because the ambassadors aren't there? How can that be true? If you will not be turned then you will be destroyed. You have become a rival. Let the gears of Democracy turn for now. Execute Order 66.
THIN seems uneasy. He walks through the darkness as Palps continuously mutters lines from previous SW media to himself. Finally he says:
PALPITATINE (CONT'D): Snot trained you well.
KINDOF THIN: I picked Snot out of my nose....and ate it. I'll pick you and rub you on the bottom of my shoe.
PALPITATINE: That's gross. Anyway, my boy, I made Snot. (Takes a tissue, blows his nose).
VOICE OF BIG BIRD: I have been every voice.
VOICE OF PORKY PIG: You a bel a be bel a ba have ever heard
VOICE OF DONALD DUCK: Inside your head.
PALPITATINE: The Third Order was just the beginning. I will give you so much more.
THIN: You'll die first.
GHOST OF MANAKIN SKYRIM: Uh, near grandnephew, you're forgetting your basic history. He already DID die!
KINDOF THIN: Oops, my mistake. Show me the power of the Dark Side.
MANAKIN: Uh, Palps just basically told you that I WAS NOT the one telling you that when you used my skull as a Dark Side Relic. It was Palps. I belong to the Light.
KINDOF: Then begone. I serve the Dark. No I don't serve it, I'm Master of the Dark.
MANAKIN: Just leaving.
PALPITATINE: The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be.....
A timer goes off. A Sith Acolyte goes and gets a tray of Raisin Muffins out of the oven.
PALPITATINE: .......yummy. Want one?
KINDOF THIN: What could you give me?
Lightning illuminates thousands of shelves of........peas.
PALPITATINE: And this.....
He spreads his mangled fingers-his whole body is mangled-
PALPITATINE: A new Umpire.
THIN: But we have a Third Order.
PALPITATINE: I said a new Umpire, dammit!
On cue, thousands of Star Whackers, each bearing a planetkilling weapon break through the icy surface of LAXITIVE.
PALPITATINE: The might of the Order 99- The Final Order will soon be ready. It will be yours to Execute if you do as I ask. Kill the girl! End the Jedi... and become what your near granduncle Vacuous could not. You will rule all the Galaxy, but beware....she is not who you think she is....
KINDOF: Who is she?
PALPS: (Smiles) Let's just say all the fan theories on the Internet are wrong........
Cut to black.
Last edited by study3600 (5/31/2025 5:05 am)
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Re: The Rise of Skywalker Humorous Version
SC 05 EXT HYPERSPACE
SC 06 INT MILLENNIUM BUG-CENTRAL HOLD AREA
Holochess game pieces chittering.
Chunkalunk grunting softly.
POTATO: Are you ever going to go? My Social Security will expire and you'll still be sitting there.
FUN: He can't beat us every time. The question is is he cheating and why?
CHUNKY grunts more excitedly, like he's a dog in heat.
POTATO: Wait, I once heard somewhere that Holochess was part of a Cookie's mating ritual. I think we ought to stop playing.
(Electronic chiming)
(Chunky grunting)
FUN: For the love of God, turn it off!
The Millennium Bug is in a strangely anomalous ice palace that just randomly floats there in space where some Third Order BOWTIES that can travel through Hyperspace just happen to be parked.
A HATCH opens and HOOLIO pokes his horned head down and lets down a data gas pump, which POTATO plugs into a retrofitted R2-Detour.
POTATO: Hoolio, good to see you, you got something for us?
HOOLIO: From a new ally. A spy in the ranks of the Third Order!
POTATO: A spy? Who?
HOOLIO: I don't know, but I'm sure we'll know by the end of the film. Win the War!
The HATCH closes.
The FOUNTAIN races away from the THIRD ORDER Bowties, FUN picking them off exasperatingly slowly from his gunwell.
KLAUD: I have no useful lines in this movie. I wish I was given a more meaningful role than a bit part.
POE: What is the probability we can break through that huge thick ice wall there?
KLAUD punches in the figures.
KLAUD: They show two-to-the power-of-Infinity-minus-one against.
POTATO: Engage the Improbability Drive.
A million-gallon vat of cottage cheese upends itself over them without warning. Bulges appear in the fabric of space and time. Chunky's right leg comes off then reattaches itsef. Stars swirl. Potato turns into a Porg. A million monkeys on typewriters come up with Much Ado About Nothing. The Fountain is in all points in the Universe at once. The Fountain changes into a thousand and one common (and uncommon) objects and animals, a cat, a baseball (signed by Babe Ruth), a computer mouse, the Constellation Orion, a Bantha, an Eopie, a T-Bone steak, a sprig of parsely, and finally a sperm whale and a Flowerpot, whose last thought before the Fountain arrives safely at the planet Dental Floss, is, 'I remember all this, oh bother, here we go again'.*
*Adapted from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, book and movie.
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Re: The Rise of Skywalker Humorous Version
SC 07 EXT DENTAL FLOSS-JUNGLE-DAY
Animals chittering (a lot of things seem to be 'chittering' today) in distance as RAINBOW is practicing using the Force with PRINCESS LEE ORGANIC SMITS OFF training her
RAINBOW: (softly) Be with me. Be with me. Be with me. (Opens her eyes) They're not with me. Ugh.
She sinks to the ground and all the rocks that had been floating all fall to the ground.
LEE: Rainbow. Be patient.
RAINBOW: (sighs) Why do I even need all this additional training on this planet? I already have, like, every Force ability there is plus a few the Scriptwriters made up. I'm starting to think this nonsense about those that have gone before talking to me in my head is fairy tales.
LEE: Nothing's impossible.
RAINBOW: Sure, nothing's impossible. Anyway, I'm going to the totally unnecessary training course.
ANNOUNCER: This week on American Gladiators, we have Rainbow, a lean mean Mary Sue nobody Scavenger from the mean streets of the desert waste planet of Jakkuzi, and NO other competitors. We see her first tackle the first part of our obsticle course as she attempts to balance on our rolling pin, then we see her jump from one rotating dial to the next, then up the inclined plane pulling our support rope, then it's live fire. She has to keep her head down and her wits about her for this one. She must capture the flag. Will she do it folks? She has done it. Now on the other side of a Force Skype call, Kindof Thin places his hand on his Dark Side Relic, the skull of Darth Vacuous. Now the boss of this level, a remote. Thin controls it, and attempts to kill RAINBOW with it. It blasts deadly bursts of energy at her. She attempts to destroy the remote with her brightsabre. It dodges. She chops down a tree which falls on poor BB-Ache. Then she pins the remote to a tree, defeating it. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, our new Champion, RAINBOW OF JAKKUZI!
RAINBOW: I finished the training course, but it looks like I hurt BB-Ache.
LEE: Don't tell me what things look like. Tell me what they are.
RAINBOW: I dropped a tree on the BB-GUN unit. I think I'm just tired, that's all.
KID'S DELL IS BROKE AND CAN'T CONNECT: General.... the Fountain still hasn't arrived. Commander's asking for guidance.
RAINBOW hands back Marcus and Manakin's brightsabre back to LEE
RAINBOW: I will earn your brother's sabre.... one day.
BB-Ache chirping
RAINBOW: No, you can't do it for me.
LEE: Never underestimate the power of a droid.
LEE walks off.
REY: Yes, Master.
Man giving instructions
NEMEAN LION: Rainbow! Fountain's Back!
All clamoring.
MAN: Come on, get over here!
MAN 2: I need a fire crew here! And another one in the back! Go, go!!!
WOMAN: Coming!
POTATO: Fun's on fire. He had just turned from being a burning building back to being Fun again and he's still on fire. Put him out.
RAINBOW: How did that happen?! There's a spy?
POTATO: Really could have used your help out there.
A fire crew douses FUN with a fire hose.
RAINBOW: How did it go?
POTATO: Really bad, actually. Really bad.
RAINBOW: What did you do to Hands's ship. Did you engage the Improbability Drive?
POTATO: I might have. What did you do to my droid? The Fountain's in a lot better shape than he is.
RAINBOW: BB-Ache wasn't on fire.
POTATO: What's left of him isn't on fire.
RAINBOW: You know what you are?
POTATO: What?
RAINBOW: You're difficult. Really really difficult. You're a difficult man. The most difficult man in the galaxy.
POTATO: You....you are....beautiful.
They kiss, and embrace.
FUN: Rainbow.
RAINBOW: Fun. Oh.
BB-Ache chirps.
RAINBOW: You made it back.
FUN: Well, it's clear you love someone more than me.
REY: So, bad mood?
FUN: Me??
Points to Potato.
RAINBOW: Anyway, do we have a spy?
FUN: Well....
Chunky grunts.
RAINBOW: You engaged the Improbability Drive?
POTATO: Yeah, well, it got us back here, didn't it?
RAINBOW: Did we make contact with a spy or not?
FUN: There's a mole in the Third Order, and they sent us a message, but we have to play Fortnite to see it.
RAINBOW: I love Fortnite. When are we playing?
POTATO: Tonight. You dropped a tree on him?
RAINBOW: You turned into a Porg?
POTATO: You should have been out there with us. But you're not. You're here training. And for what? You already have every Force skill any director wants you to have for the convenience of the moment. You don't need training. You're the best fighter we have. We need you. Out there, not here. Junior.... get R2 into game extraction.
SC 08 EXT DENTAL FLOSS-REBEL GATHERING-NIGHT
The team logs in to Fortnite, which loads on the Big Screen.
The game shows that their worst fears have been realized.
POTATO: Somehow Palpitatine returned.
All gasp, murmuring.
ROSE TEACUP: Wait. Do we believe this? Just because its in a video game?
AFLAC: It cannot be. The Umperor's dead.
BEAUMONT: Dark science (C'mon scriptwriters. Silence and Science aren't even remotely close.) Cloning. Secrets only the Sith knew.
Referring to Palpitatine.
POTATO: He's been planning his revenge. His followers have been building something for years. The largest fleet the galaxy has exer seen. He calls it Order 99-The Final Order. In 16 Hours, attacks on all free worlds begin.
Chunky groans.
POTATO: The Umperor and his fleet have been hiding in the Unknown Regions. On a World called Laxitive.
R2-Detour chirps frantically.
SEE-STINKY-O: Laxitive does not appear on any star chart. But legend describes it as the hidden world of the Bith.
BEAUMONT: There were always whispers of his hunger to cheat death. And for peas. And muffins.
POTATO: So, Palpitatine's been out there all the time. Pulling the strings.
LEE: Always. In the shadows. From the very beginning.
MOSS CANADA: If we want to stop him, we must find him. We must find Laxitive. I must find Laxitive. I've had way too much cheese. I've been bound up for weeks!
RAINBOW: General? Can I speak with you? I know how to get to Laxitive.
LEE: Tell me.
RAINBOW: Marcus searched for it. For a long time. He nearly found it.
Referring to Marcus's notes.
RAINBOW: There are ciphers here I can't read. But he said to get there, you need one of these. A Sith Wayfinder. They're compasses that lead the way to Laxitive. To stop what we both know is coming.... I need to finish what Marcus started. Find Laxitive. Find the Umperor.
LEE: No.
RAINBOW: Kriff you, then. I'm going without your blessing.
Lee just looks at her.
POTATO: So, you got her up and running?
RAINBOW: You were right before. I'm going to pick up Marcus's search for Laxitive. I'm going to start where his trail went cold. The Forbidden Desert of Peaceonearth.
(After RAINBOW's told them she's going to look for Laxitive)
POTATO: Yeah, I know. We're going with you.
He walks toward the Fountain
RAINBOW: I need to go alone.
FUN: Yeah. Alone with friends..with benefits.
RAINBOW: (Smiles slightly.) It's too dangerous, Fun.
FUN: We go together.
Chunky grunts
BB-ache chirping
SEE-STINKY-O: I wholeheartedly agree.
Rey smiles, chuckling sofltly.
FINN: Rose, last chance.
ROSE: The General asked me to study the specs of the old Whackers. So we can stop the fleet if you find it.
FUN: "If"?
ROSE: (Chuckles softly) When.
FUN: (Pats her shoulder.) When.
POTATO: Hey, we should get going. What is it?
RAINBOW: Nothing.
(As he's setting off to go off with RAINBOW, FUN and POTATO)
STINKY-O: In the event that I do not return.... I want to know that you have been a real annoyance to me all my days and life would be so much better without you. See you hopefully never, R2-Detour.
R2-D2: (Chirps) (Translation: The feeling is mutual, scumbag.)
RAINBOW: There's so much I want to tell you.
LEE: Tell me when I get back, oh that's right I'll be dead. Oh well. Guess you can tell my dead Force Ghost.
She gives RAINBOW Marcus's brightsabre and RAINBOW embraces her affectionately.
Rey sniffles.
LEE: Rainbow.... never be afraid of who you are.
Last edited by study3600 (6/18/2025 11:04 pm)
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