WARNING: THIS PARODY STAR WARS SCRIPT CONTAINS MANY GENERAL SW SAGA SPOILERS!!!!!!!

Title: Star Wars Episode VIII, The Last Jedi: The Humorous Version

Author: The MaraandLukeForever forum members and the Jedi Council possibly. First Author: study3600.

Rating: PG-13 for language, violence, sex jokes and mature themes.

Characters: Princess Lee Smits, Kindof Thin/Been-There Off, Marcus Streetwalker, Rainbow, Fun-2187, Potato Dangerous, Supreme Fuhrer Snot, General Armpit Hoax, Captain Spasm, Chunkalunk the Cookie, Yoga, Moss Canada, Radio Host the Codebreaker, Rose Teacup, Admiral Fishhead, Admiral Holdover, Porks, See-Stinky-O, R2-Detour.

Genre: Fantasy/Humor

Timeline: The same as TLJ.

Length: An entire typical movie script.

Summary: The Third Order Strikes Back and the Revolution makes a desperate escape.  Tracked by Lord Snot through Hyperspace, the Revolution makes a Last Stand on a planet invaded by Kindof Thin's Imperious forces. Meanwhile, Rainbow tries to win the legendary Marcus Streetwalker to the cause of the Revolution, and Kindof Thin and Rainbow start to develop a really weird relationship....

Notes: The rules are, anyone can post scenes, but please keep things consistent and don't post the scenes out of order. Stick to the parody names given in the title card above and if something is not yet named, by all means name it. All ideas you have must be discussed/proposed in the Humorous version planning threads linked below rather than you commenting about them in the thread, but compliments, constructive criiticism and other types of apropos comments are always welcome anytime. You don't have to discuss an idea on the HV planning thread in order to use it, that is not what I am saying at all.

Here is the best link to the actual movie script I could find:


[url=http://WARNING: THIS PARODY STAR WARS SCRIPT CONTAINS MANY GENERAL SW SAGA SPOILERS!!!!!!!  Title: Star Wars Episode VIII, The Last Jedi: The Humorous Version  Author: The MaraandLukeForever forum members and the Jedi Council possibly. First Author: study3600.  Rating: PG-13 for language, violence, sex jokes and mature themes.  Characters: Princess Lee Smits, Kindof Thin/Been-There Off, Marcus Streetwalker, Rainbow, Fun-2187, Potato Dangerous, Supreme Fuhrer Snot, General Armpit Hoax, Captain Spasm, Chunkalunk the Cookie, Yoga, Moss Canada, Radio Host the Codebreaker, Rose Teacup, Admiral Fishhead, Admiral Holdover, Porks, See-Stinky-O, R2-Detour.  Genre: Fantasy/Humor  Timeline: The same as TLJ.  Length: An entire typical movie script.  Summary: The Third Order Strikes Back and the Revolution makes a desperate escape.  Tracked by Lord Snot through Hyperspace, the Revolution makes a Last Stand on a planet invaded by Kindof Thin's Imperious forces. Meanwhile, Rainbow tries to win the legendary Marcus Streetwalker to the cause of the Revolution, and Kindof Thin and Rainbow start to develop a really weird relationship....  Notes: The rules are, anyone can post scenes, but please keep things consistent and don't post the scenes out of order. Stick to the parody names given in the title card above and if something is not yet named, by all means name it. All ideas you have must be discussed/proposed in the Humorous version planning threads linked below rather than you commenting about them in the thread, but compliments, constructive criiticism and other types of apropos comments are always welcome anytime. You don't have to discuss an idea on the HV planning thread in order to use it, that is not what I am saying at all.  Here is the best link to the actual movie script I could find:   www.scripts.com/script/star_wars%3A_the_last_jedi_18787]www.scripts.com/script/star_wars%3A_the_last_jedi_18787[/url]

[url=http://maraandlukeforever.boards.net/thread/52/elements-screenplay  Writing in script format]maraandlukeforever.boards.net/thread/52/elements-screenplay[/url]

Writing in script format

A long time ago in a galaxy some say doesn't feel lived in like in the OT but you be the judge of that....


SC 01 EXT.SPACE

(Man, I have to write this line again?!)(Sigh) A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for, ah, screw it, here it is:



THE HUMOROUS VERSIONS

EPISODE VIII:

THE LAST STAR WARS MOVIE SOME FANS WILL EVER WANT TO WATCH (BUT I LIKE IT AND TRoS THE MOST, BUT THAT'S ME)

The THIRD ORDER rains, er, reigns.  Having decimated the peaceful Republic, SUPREME FUHRER SNOT now deploys his merciless ROMAN LEGIONS to seize control of Austria, invade Poland and rule the galaxy.
Only General LEE SMITS'S pitiful little band of REVOLUTION SCUM stands against the rising tyranny, certain that Jedi Master Marcus Streetwalker will return and restore a spark of hope to the fight.
But the Revolution has been caught with its pants down.  As the THIRD ORDER speeds toward the REBEL BASE, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape....

SC 02 EXT DARK-REVOLUTION BASE-DARK

On the planet's surface, LIEUTENANT KID'S DELL BROKE AND CAN'T CONNECT and her tall colleague INDIANA JONES oversee the frantic evacuation of the Revolution Scum Base. Everyone scurries about with flashlights because no one can see their own hand in front of their face because of the sheer DARKNESS of the PLANET DARK.

INDIANA JONES: We're not clear yet! There's still 30 pallets of cannonballs in Fort Ticonderoga.

KID'S DELL BROKE AND CAN'T CONNECT: Forget the cannonballs, there's no time.  Just get everyone on the transport! (hears a distant boom) Oh, no!

CONNECT and JONES look up and see two ID4 RESURGENCE-CLASS STAR WHACKERS appear in the INKY DARK SKY, despite the fact that they can't see anything anywhere, not even the flashlight beams. Everyone is constantly bumping and colliding into each other and saying 'sorry'.  The ID4 RESURGENCE CLASS STAR WHACKERS are quickly joined by the STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM.

SC 03 INT. FINAL EXAM-BRIDGE

On board the bridge, CAPTAIN THOMAS EDISON WEASLEY of the Final Exam watches the Raddish in the distance, then turns to GENERAL ARMPIT HOAX.

WEASLEY: We've caught them in the middle of their evacuation.

HOAX:  I have my orders from Supreme Fuhrer Snot himself.  This is where we snuff out the-ah-ah-ah-AH (puts finger under nose but still the sneeze comes) CHOOOOO! 

WEASLEY: Gazundheit!

HOAX: -Revolution once and for all.  Tell Captain Candy to prime his DreadedNought.  Incinerate their base, destroy their transports, obliterate their fleet, and shine my boots please they're getting a little dull.

WEASLEY: It shall be done.

SC 04 EXT. SPACE-DAY (WT* ?!? DAY IN SPACE?!? WHO WROTE THIS?!)

The enormous MANDATORY IV-CLASS SIEGE DREADEDNOUGHT known as the Futurama, owned by CAPTAIN MOLTEN CANDY, pops from hyperspace and into the foreground from the far reaches of space. Two massive cannons slung beneath the ship's belly just beneth its navel begin to lower and take aim.

SC 05 INT. STAR DESTROYER FINAL EXAM

In the Whacker's bridge pit, a beautiful yet stern monitor eyes a red X shape on her radar screen, her surroundings lit red for ideal visibility during battlefield conditions.

MONITOR: General, Revolution ship approaching. Launching shields in attack mode.

HOAX:(incredulous) A single light fighter?

CARA DUNE: We're saved! It's Luke again! Come to save Star Wars! Hooray!

SC 06 EXT SPACE 

The X-Wing ship faces off with the Futurama.  The tiny droid BB-GUN occupies the tailseat with COMMANDER POTATO DANGEROUS up front.

SC 07 INT. X-WING SHIP COCKPIT

POTATO: Happy beeps here, buddy, come on.

SC 08 INT RADDISH-CONTROL ROOM

GENERAL LEE SMITS monitors him from the control room.

POTATO (over intercom):  We've pulled crazier stunts than this.

LEE: Just for the record, Commander Dangerously, I'm with the droid on this one.

POTATO: (over intercom) If this doesn't work, you'll be too dead to know about it.

LEE: Why doesn't that assure me?

SC 09 INT X-WING SHIP-COCKPIT

Happy beeps. Attention! (flicks a switch) This is a public service announcement from Commander Potato Dangerous of the Republic Fleet, for the crew of the FINAL EXAM and for General Hoax in particular.

SC 10 INT STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-BRIDGE PIT

LAZY K: Patch him through.

ARMPIT HOAX: This is General Hoax of the THIRD ORDER. The Republic is no more. Your fleet are rebel scum and war criminals.  Tell your precious princess there will be no terms... there will be no surrender.

POTATO: (over intercom)

(Begins to sing
Wash, wash, wash your hands, over and over again!
Then when they start to feel dirty once more
Wash them over again.

Only you can prevent the Sleeping Virus.
Life Day is in 170 Days.  Beat the rush and buy your Life Day presents early!

Stir, Whip, Stir, Whip, Whip, Whip, Stir, Beat, Stir, Stir, Whip, Whip, Stir, Stir, Stir! You can always substitute Bantha Rump for Bantha 
Loin.  Only you know the size of a bite in your family.

Now we will make our favorite dessert, Cookie cookies, from the planet Kasshhhyuck! First, in a large mixing bowl, combine three cups of fine Cookie flour with two Cookie hen eggs you can get at any Galactic Trading outpost....

WEASLEY: I believe he's tooling with you, sir.

POTATO: (over intercom) About his mother.

ARMPIT HOAX: Open fire!!

SC 11 INT X-WING SHIP-COCKPIT

Potato's ship's display is beeping rapidly.

POTATO: BB-GUN, punch it!

SC 12 EXT SPACE

BB-GUN beeps excitedly.  As the X-wing's rear nozzles fire, it hurdles forward.  The velocity causes BB-GUN'S head to slip back from his round beach ball body.

SC 13 INT STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-BRIDGE

WEASLEY: He's going for the dreadednought.

ARMPIT HOAX: Ha! He's insane.

SC 14 EXT SPACE

POTATO's fighter soars atop of the Futurama's hull, weaving and rolling throughout the aircraft's laserfire.

SC 15 EXT SPACE-POTATO'S X-WING

POTATO manages to fire on the Futurama's enemy cannons with fire with his own-(man this scriptwriter needs grammar lessons, he left out the word 'on' in that sentence--it literally says 'Poe manages to fire the Fulminatrix's enemy cannons' LOLOLOL)

SC 16 INT. STAR WHACKER FINAL EXAM-BRIDGE

Hoax watches with the grimmest expression imaginable. (At least that's a better use of the definite article than the one employed by this scriptwriter!!!)

SC 17 INT POTATO'S X-WING-COCKPIT

POTATO: All right, taking out the cannons now.  Tally-Ho, Start your approach.

TALLY-HO: (over intercom) Copy that.

POTATO: All right, taking out the cannons now. Tally-Ho, Start your approach.

Whack

TALLY-HO: Smarta**.

SC 18 INT. DREADEDNOUGHT FUTURAMA-BRIDGE

HOAX'S hologram appears.

HOAX: Captain Candy, why aren't you blasting that pissant ship?!

CANDY: That 'pissant ship' is too small and at too close range.  We need to scramble our fighters! Five bloody minutes ago.

GANDALF: He'll never penetrate our armor.

CANDY: He's not trying to penetrate our armor. He's clearing out our surface cannons.

GANDALF: They shall not pass!

SC 19 EXT SPACE

A squadron of enemy BOWTIE fighters swoop over (seriously?! 'Fighters swoops over'? Did this guy flunk out of English 101?!) in pursuit. BB-GUN chirps nervously.

SC 20 INT POTATO'S X-WING-COCKPIT

POTATO: This is where the fun begins.

SC 21 EXT SPACE

POTATO takes out the last cannon, then turns and picks off each member of the BOWTIE squadron one by one, each exploding in a massive FIREBALL.

SC 22 INT POTATO'S X-WING

POTATO: Burn, baby burn!

SC 23 INT DREADEDNOUGHT FUTURAMA-BRIDGE PIT

Candy paces aboard the Futurama.

CANDY: Are the auto cannons primed?

GANDALF: Primed and ready, sir.

CANDY: What are we waiting for? Fire on the base!!!

GANDALF: This is the planet Dark, sir! It's too dark down there to pick out any targets!

CANDY: Use infrared, fool!

GANDALF: Switching to infrared, sir....Targets acquired.

CANDY: Idiot.

SC 24 EXT SPACE

The Futurama's cannons unleash a barrage of laserfire.

SC 25 EXT DARK-REVOLUTION BASE-REVOLUTION LIFEBOAT-COCKPIT

KID'S DELL IS BROKE AND CAN'T CONNECT: Punch it!!

Connect's U-571 orbital loadlifter speeds to safety, narrowly avoiding the artillery blasts which strike Dark's surface.

SC 26 INT RADDISH-CONTROL ROOM

CONNECT: (over intercom) The last transport is in the air, the evacuation is complete.

LEE: You did it, Potato, now sacrifice a buch of our lives and TAKE OUT THAT F****** DREADEDNOUGHT!

SEE-STINKY-O, the golden droid from Patootie, stands next to LEE (This scriptwriter needs to learn a thing or two about COMMA PLACEMENT!)

LEE: Wipe that nervous expression off your face, Stinky-O.

STINKY-O: I am incapable of facial expressions, General.

LEE: Somehow, you manage.


SC 27 INT. POTATO'S X-WING-COCKPIT

POTATO: All clear, bring the bombs!

INT. STAR WHACKER FUTURAMA-BRIDGE

BACCHUS: (As he swirls his goblet of Ambrosia around, watching it give its color in the cup, da pretty little swirls, then takes a big slurp, then burps rather loudly as the laurel on his head slips over his nose and he quickly adjusts it so it sits back atop his taut-skinned bald head.) Dah, Captain, dah dere's an Revolution bobbers (hiccup) approaching.

CANDY: Of course they are, dolt. This blasted cadre of gods and demigods on my crew sure ain't as smart as they're cracked up to be.

ZEUS: Bombers approaching, sir! I think they belong to the Revolution. 

Whack

CANDY: Idiot! Baccchus told me that already! Did you not hear him?

ZEUS pulls off his twin lightning bolt-shaped earphones.

ZEUS: What did you say, sir? I didn't hear you. Why did you hit me?

CANDY: I'm surrounded by imbiciles!

HERACLES: I resemble that remark!

EXT SPACE

A squad of heavy bombers and A-Wing ships known as COBRA-KAI SQUADRON and BLUE SUEDE SHOES SQUADRON approaches the DREADEDNOUGHT, resembling WWII aeroplanes, with long virtual compartments extending from the WINDOW to the WALL.  LIEUTENANT TALISMAN LIPID, the beautiful young blonde pilot hovers on board her blue A-Wing ship.

TALLY-HO: Bombers, keep that tight formation.  Fighters, protect the bombers. Redtails, do your thing! Pretty boy in his newfangled jet fighter is goin' down! It's not every day we get a shot at a dreadednought, so make this count.

JOHN H ADAMS, JR.: Let's do this thing!

PAUL ADAMS: Yeah!

RUTHERFORD H. ADKINS: Pretty boy's goin' down!

WILLIAM ARMSTRONG: Down with the Third Order!

LEE ARCHER: **** Hitler!

WILLIAM BARTLEY: You mean Snot, don't you?

ARCHER: Yeah **** that scumbag Snot!

HOWARD BAUGH: Let's kick some Nazi a**!

HENRY CABOT LODGE BOHLER: The Third Order Luftwaffe is toast!

ALL: YEAHHHHH!

INT. COBRA-KAI HAMMER-COCKPIT

ATTICUS FINCH: Copy that, Blue Suede Shoes Squadron.

INT HEAVY BOMBER-COCKPIT

ATTICUS FINCH: (over intercom) I totally change my nature between my original book and its sequel. I start out as a conservative and then all of a sudden I'm a leftist 10 years later for no apparent reason blamed lucky I raised my daughter right! What was Harper Lee thinking! The last thing I eever wanted to be was completely written out of character!

PILOT: (Over intercom) Copy that.

TEENY-BOPPER: Fighters incoming.

A squad of Third Order BOWTIE fighters approach the squadron.

INT. A-WING-COCKPIT

TALLY-HO: Gunners, look alive.

BOWTIE fighters fire.

PILOT 2: (over intercom) S[n? LOL]ubfighters at 2-10!

PILOT 3:

PILOT 2: Pilot 3, are you there?

PILOT 3:

PILOT 2: Uh, Blue Suede Shoes leader, I think Pilot 3 is not looking alive.

The PILOTLESS A-WING goes about erratically and aimlessly every which way, bowling into BOWTIE after BOWTIE, making them explode, taking out about half of them.

TUBBY JELLYROLL: Wow this dead guy is making all our jobs easier! (Begins doing the same thing as the now dead PILOT 3 is doing, zigzagging everywhere crazily, plowing through all kinds of BOWTIES.)

TALLY-HO: Everyone follow Jellyroll's lead!

Like a pinball machine with about 24 PINBALLS and every BOWTIE an explodeable BUMPER, all the A-WINGS go crazy, following totally erratic flightpaths and taking out ALL the IMPERIOUS BOWTIES.

TALLY-HO: Ok, Bombardiers....begin your drop sequence!

THE NOID: I've got a visual on the target. We are approaching the point of attack.  The bombs are armed.

BACCHUS: (hic) Auto canons aimed.



GANDALF: 40 seconds until full charge. They shall not pass!



CANDY: Destroy that last bomber!



POTATO: Page, come in. You're our last bomber. We're all counting on you.



PAGE: St. Nick!



POTATO: Page! Drop the pageload NOW!



DINCH FALLOW: Look out!!!



PAGE: No!!!



TALLY-HO: Bombs away!



PAGE falls down to the bottom of the shaft and sees the manual remote trigger for the bombs is way up above her so she kicks it three times but it doesn't come down. She grips the pendant around her neck, breathes and gives it one more solid kick. The remote comes down and she catches it and all the bombs drop onto the dreadnought. Now was that so hard to write Mr. Johnson? Your script completely leaves out Page's heroic sacrifice!



TALLY-HO: Direct hit! Dreadnaught down!



MONITOR: General, Supreme Leader Snot ....is making direct contact from the ship.



HOAX: I'll take it in my chambers.



Just then a menacing larger than life hologram of LORD SNOT appears blocking his path.



SNOT: General Hoax! My disappointment in your performance cannot be overstated.



Suddenly SNOT uses the Force to make HOAX do a break dance on the floor of the ship.



HOAX: They can't escape! I have them tied to the end of a kite string.



SC 30 INT THE RADDISH



Back with the Revolution, Fun is back in the medbay sleeping. Suddenly he shoots up.



FUN: Rain- ow! (He hits his head)



POTATO: Well done, pal. "Fun naked leaking bag? Just what kind of fun are you into BB?"



He turns around to see Fun walking down the hallway half naked wearing a leaking bag.



POTATO: Oh, that's what you meant.



Potato embraces Fun.



POTATO: It's so good to have you back. Let's get you dressed. I'm sure you have a lot of questions.