3.

MariahJade2 interrupts fic in progress.

She knocks on the door of CDO. Bang! Bang!Bang!

Door opens, and she walks in to office.
"What can I do for you Ms.Jade2?" He says.

CDO glares at Old pathetic life form in front of him.

"OH please Mr. CDO man. Please can I have my Magnificent Seven back."

He shoves MJ2 out the door and says, "No...your not part of our target audience anymore.

Door slams shut in her face.

Help me Obi wan Kenobi, your my only hope.

You may now return to your regularly scheduled fic.
Anakin and Jaina decide to go chasing after Kyp.

Jaina: "Come on, we've got to go after Kyp."
Anakin: "Don't you mean, join Kyp?"
Jaina: "What? No, I am a loyal niece. I'd never run out on Uncle Luke."
Anakin: "The train is leaving the station sister, don't get left behind."
Jaina: "But Kyp's gonna take too many Jedi with him."
Anakin: "That's been a threat for several books now, you don't really believe that's going to happen do you?"
Jaina: "No, I guess not."
Kyp: "What do you brats want?"
Anakin: "We're supposed to try to talk you out of going away."
Kyp: "But you're not going to?"
Anakin: "No. Just between you and me, I think you are right."
Jaina: "Anakin. How could you say such a thing?"
Anakin: "Put a fork in it Jaina. You're thinking the same thing."
Kyp: "Your Uncle is going gray in the Force. That's not going to happen to me."
Jacen: (finally joining the party) "Hah! I knew it. You bleach your hair blonde."
Kyp: "So. At least I don't wear girls underwear."
(Jaina and Anakin just look at Jacen, mouths hanging agape.)
Jacen: (embarrassingly) "I like the soft silky feel."

Kyp: "Why did Luke call this meeting?"
Anakin: "The meeting helps engineer a plot crisis by having so many Jedi away from Yavin that they can't maintain the Force illusion that the acadamy isn't there."
Kyp: "That is stupid."
Anakin: "That's the point. They have to dumb down Luke to elevate me ."
Jaina: "Hey! Why not elevate me?"
Jacen: "Or me?"
Anakin: (to Jacen) "You're a pacifist wimp, not a fighter." (to Jaina) "And young males don't want to read about the adventures of young girls."
Jaina: "Says who?"
Anakin: "Says me. Don't worry, you play a prominent role and get a spotlight book too."
Jaina: "Well. Okay."
Kyp: "I wondered why I was getting such an important role in opposing Luke. When did all this happen?"
Anakin: "It's slowly been happening. I made a deal to lead the next generation into pushing out the old whether they like it or not."
Kyp: "You? I should be the next leader."
Anakin: "Sorry. I pointed out that you are the Price Charles of the Jedi. They've decided to skip a generation."
Kyp: "I get no respect around here. I am leaving."
(Sorry Kyp fans, that's all you get. Feeling rooked by this whole series? Get in line.)

Anakin: "Now that Kyp is out of the picture, where were we? Oh right. My elevation to the new lead."
Jacen: "I still think you're the wrong one to lead."
Jaina: "Hey! We are siblings. We shouldn't bicker like this. We should be able to solve our problems constructively."
Anakin: "Where the heck did you get that guano load?"
Jaina: "I dunno. I opened my mouth to speak and that came out."
Jacen: (teasingly) "DullWay controlling your brain sis?"
Jaina: "Bite me, girly-boy."
Jacen: "Butch."
Anakin: "As amusing as your bickering is, we've got to warn Luke that this meeting he just called leaves the Jedi Acadamy open for attack."
Jaina: (giving Jacen the evil eye) "Yeah, okay. I don't have a good feeling about that Kuati senator either."
Jacen: "Hey, I'm the one who didn't have good feelings about her."
Jaina: "And did you do anything about it?"
Jacen: "No."
Jaina: "You dropped the ball, so now it's my turn."
Jacen: "Shameless do-gooder."
Jaina: "Speak for yourself, zit-face."
Anakin: "Would you two knock it off. We all know nothing about that is going to be resolved immediately. Let's go give Uncle Luke the bad news."

(Anakin walks away with Jaina and Jacen following behind, bickering and shoving each other.)

Mara: "Have you seen the cover of 'Star by Star' yet?"
Luke: "No."
Mara: "Well, I have. You know who's on it?"
Luke: "Since I haven't seen it, I guess you're going to tell me."
Mara: "In all his glory on the back is none other than Wesley Crusher. You're on the front cover, by the way."
Luke: "So, Anakin gets on another back cover?"
Mara: "No. This one is really Wesley Crusher."
Luke: "Really?"
Mara: "Looks pretty dam close to me."
Luke: "I know I said I knew someone new was going to bring this crappy storyline to a close, but I didn't think it would be a Star Trek crossover."
Mara: "DullWay must really be desparate for new readers."
Luke: "Chewie was on the back cover of VP. I guess it is too much to hope the same fate befalls him."
Mara: "The artist wouldn't be dumb enough to repeat the same foreshadowing. Though I can't say the same for DullWay."

Luke: "Where were you at the Jedi meeting?"
Mara: (rubbing her belly) "Junior got a craving for a pint of Len and Terry's Darth Choaklate ice cream."
Luke: "That's not a good sign, is it?"
Mara: "I wouldn't worry about it. Yet."
Luke: "I could have really used your help."
Mara: "Why? What happened?"
Luke: "WimpyLuke ambushed me and ran the meeting."
Mara: "Sorry. I know I said watch your back for you."
Luke: "He's getting bolder and bolder. He's the one who put this stupid T-shirt on me."
(Luke finally pulls off the t-shirt, throws it in the corner, and ignites it with a snap of the fingers."
Mara: "You think DullWay and the uberbrats are up to something?"
Luke: "Yes. Replacing me with WimpyLuke is the first step. Elevating Anakin is the next step."

5.

(In the bowels of the highly critical ECA (Extremist Cranks Association), a couple of robed intelligence agents are listening intently to a conversation between the LMM and CDO (Lucasfilm Marketing Minion & Chief DullWay Overlord) picked up by a cleverly concealed microphone in an undisclosed location. The robed figures are typing notes on laptops while listening to the secret conversation which is also being taped.)

LMM: ?Well, we managed to keep the money rolling in for another year with this NJO scam. Both my wife and mistress got really nice Christmas presents last year ? and I'm driving a brand new Lexus to boot!?
CDO: ?Yeah, I just bought an 22 foot SeaRay with a 5 liter inboard engine, GPS, fish-finders and the ultimate freestyle water-ski package. I can't wait until it gets a little warmer so I can take it for its maiden voyage.?
LMM: ?Yes, but in the meantime we have to think of what we're gonna do with the NJO this coming year. I take it you're going to want to put gas in that boat of yours from time to time??
CDO: ?Yes, we have to come up with another whole year's worth of stories to sell to the gullible fans who bought the last load we put on the shelves. In fact, we have to keep this charade going at least until 2004!?
LMM: ?Hmmm ? this gets harder and harder the longer it goes on, doesn't it? Can't we just rehash what we did in the first year but change some of the names and places??
CDO: ?We've already done that. As a matter of fact this whole NJO enterprise is just a rip-off of all the weird alien encounters from the ? um ? the 'previous' line of Star Wars books ? and a bunch of our old Star Trek books as well! We can't keep doing the same thing if we expect to live like fat cats throughout our retirement.?
LMM: ?Why not? It's worked well so far, hasn't it??
CDO: ?Yes, but sales of our latest NJO novel, ?Conquest?, just BARELY got on the NY Times Bestseller list which is a dramatic drop from the performance of last year's paperbacks. We added lots of gore, torture and horror for shock value and many of the younger fans have acted like the mind-numbed robots we thought they were ... but sales are still slipping.?
LMM: ?What's wrong with our fans? I thought they'd buy ANYTHING that has ?Star Wars? written on the cover??
CDO: ?That's been the case so far ? but I think our efforts at hype have slackened some. It's much easier to promote the prequel era books. Fans remember seeing the characters on screen in a recent movie. Plus, they are younger and ? frankly ? not nearly as smart as the readers who prefer the classic trilogy.?
LMM: ?Yes, but we've got people who still want to follow the original characters and where there is money to be made beating a dead horse, we've got to be there with baseball bats ? heavy ones! You people aren't the ONLY ones who can make books, you know. We can always find some other partner ??
CDO: (shaken) ?Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't want to make it appear that I'm not a team player ? especially when bilking gullible kids and their overindulgent parents.?
LMM: ?That's more like it. What about our new hero character, Anakin? His personality was manufactured by a first-rate committee and our new computerized, character design software specifically for this trendy new demographic: bored, violence-numbed teens who want something to read while taking a break from playing 1st-person shooter games on Playstation and watching shows like Buffy and Dawson's Creek.?
CDO: ?Anakin may have a little TOO much attitude, actually, and keeping him satisfied is getting awfully expensive. As a result, we've had to cut back on our traditional promotions ? and turn to less orthodox measures.?
LMM: ?Such as??
CDO: ?We've had to re-deploy our unpaid flunkies on the various fan-infested message boards. We have one stooge in particular, Gangrene, doing everything he can to discredit fan-favorite author Timothy Zahn and confuse the whole issue by promoting the old Marvel Star Wars comic books.?
LMM: ?Marvel made Star Wars comics? Are you sure? That doesn't sound familiar.?
CDO: ?Yes, I've ev........ 

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 8:29 pm)

7.
            Anakin makes a pit stop at DullWay to discuss the problem with CDO and LMM. Unfortunately, the first person he meets is Tahini, which immediately distracts him...

Anakin: (to CDO) "She goes! I'm not kidding!"
CDO: "Now, Anakin..."
Anakin: "I mean it, replace her or I won't play."
CDO: "Anakin, you're not being reasonable--"
Anakin: "I want her gone! Britney would be okay, or maybe Christina. Somebody sexy."
CDO: "Now, Anakin, one of the reasons we want to get rid of your uncle is that he can't get his mind out of the gutter. I mean, imagine! He actually wants to sleep with his own wife! I don't know why he can't get himself a mistress, like a normal guy--"
Anakin: "What are *you* talking about?"
CDO: (patiently) "You and Tahini have a pure, deep friendship. No sex."
Anakin: "You're joking, right?"
CDO: "Not at all. We've already had *one* unscheduled pregnancy in this series. No more!"
Anakin: "What do you mean, one unscheduled pregnancy?"
CDO: "Mara Jade is pregnant."
Anakin: "Who says? Isn't she 159 years old, or something?"
CDO: "Well, I know it's absurd; we didn't *want* to. But we needed to boost sales somehow. It's sort of like a sitcom on its last legs. When they introduce a pregnancy, you *know* they're desperate."
Anakin: "You promised me they'd be marginalized!"
CDO: "Yes, and we're working on it!"
Anakin: "Then why is she pregnant?"
CDO: "I swear, Anakin, we didn't want to! But the directive came from the highest levels. Nothing we can do about it! But don't worry, your uncle will be so wimpy nobody'll pay any attention to him! And you'll save the day! Make all the decisions! Be the hero! We promise...!"

At this juncture, a group of people all wearing "Team Anakin" T-Shirts come in.
CDO: (fake hearty) "Well, here's your entourage! Your trainer, stylist, investment counselor, manicurist, pedicurist, shrink, lawyer, guru and psychic! All of which we're paying for, I might add."
Anakin: (squinting at the Team, who are flashing him bright, hopeful smiles) "Where's the masseuse I requested?"
CDO: (rolling his eyes at LMM, who is hovering) "Masseuse?"
Anakin: "And the astrologist?"
CDO tries to speak but no words come out.
Anakin: "And the Ewok-minder?"
CDO: (finding his voice) "Ewok-minder? I thought you didn't *like* Ewoks?"
Anakin: (smirking) "I hear they're very good with topatoes."
CDO buries his head in his hands. LMM pats him consolingly.
Anakin: (folding his arms) "I'm *extremely* vexed!"
Team Anakin gives a collective gasp.
Anakin: "I'm very vexed, indeed!"
Team Anakin gasps again.
Anakin motions to his entourage: "Guess what?"
Team Anakin: (in stereo) "What's that, Chosen One?"
Anakin: "Not only do these jerks deny me the necessities for my spiritual and physical well-being, but..."
Team Anakin: "Yes?"
Anakin: My aunt's pregnant!"
Team Anakin: (in stereo) "How could they?"
Anakin: (angrily) "I dunno!!! When I say I want him emasculated, I mean emasculated! That means no you-know-what! No nothing!"
He kicks CDO in the shin.
Anakin: "He was supposed to be childless! And Jacen was supposed to be such a wuss that even a wimp like my uncle would spit on him! And I'd be the Chosen One! The New Hope!"
He kicks CDO in the other shin.
Anakin: "What if people say this kid is the Chosen One, not me?"
CDO: (hiding behind a desk so Anakin can't kick him again) "They won't, Anakin, he's too young to be a threat to you."
Anakin: "Not *yet!* But give him twenty years, and you'll be farming me out, too!"
(to the Team) "What are we gonna do about it?"
One of the Team steps forward. He wears a name tag reading: ?Hello. I Am Anakin's Lawyer': "We could start a lawsuit!"
Anakin: "Yes!"
Anakin's Stylist: "You could get a make-over!"
Anakin: "Definitely!"
Anakin's Trainer: "You could work on your abs!"
Anakin: "Getting better!"
Anakin's Investment Counselor: "You could invest in dot.com stock!"
Anakin: "I like it!"
Anakin's Psychic: "I could read your horoscope again."
Anakin: "Getting warmer!"
Anakin's Guru: "We can visit Tibet!"
A....... 
 

9.

After being properly condescended to by his entourage, Anakin takes off for Yasmine 4 to start his quest. He arrives in orbit to find the Testosterone Brigade setting up shop.

Anakin: "This is Anakin Solo, savior of the NJO. What is your purpose here?"
Testosterone Brigade Guy: "We're on a fishing expedition."
Anakin: "Go home. The fishing sucks here."
TBG: "We're not exactly fishing for fish."
Anakin: "Oh. Well I can't let you stay."
TBG: "Who gives you the authority."
Anakin: "DullWay. I am the Savior of the NJO. I have the ultimate authority."
TBG: "Savior? Hah! We don't recognize your authority."
Anakin: "Fiver, lock S-foils in attack position."
Fiver: How predictable.
Anakin: "I am giving you one chance to leave otherwise..."
TBG: (fires a lazer cannon shot at Ani) "Bring it on kid. Give it your best shot."
Anakin: "They fired on me. I can't believe it."
Fiver: Did you think they were just going to roll over for you?
Anakin: "Yes. Plot an intercept course."
Fiver: You don't want to do it yourself?
(Ani takes a run at the transport, scores a hit. The transport fires 6 torps at Ani.)
Anakin: "Fiver, we've got torpedos incoming."
Fiver: What? Did you think I didn't already notice?
Anakin: "Time to do some really fancy flying."
Fiver: Oh boy.
HVO: In the interests of brevity, insert your favorite X-Wing book fancy flying here. If you haven't read any X-Wing, read them. Now! They are better than the NJO.
Anakin: "Yipee. Am I the best pilot or what? I am even better than dad."
Fiver: I think you are having delusions of grandeur.
(Ani scores a few more hits on the transport.)
Anakin: "Ready to give up now?"
TBG: "No, I was just going to ask for your surrender."
Anakin: "You've got more hubris than S..."
Fiver: Hate to tell you this but their fleet of a dozen ships just jumped in system.
Anakin: "Darn it."
TBG: "Ha ha, hotshot! Wanna take a run at us now."
Anakin: "Fiver, prepare for intercept."
Fiver: Talk about hubris...
Editor: "Now is not the time for this Chosen One of the NJO. You need to go down to the planet. People are waiting."
Anakin: "But I can take them. Corran has beaten 10 to 1 odds. I have to show I am better."
Editor: "We'll get to that later. I promise."
(Ani reluctantly turns around and heads for the surface of Yasmine 4.)

Insert X-wing book here. LOL! How about Star fighters of Adumar?

Mariah's post is suddenly interrupted when Mara Jade Skywalker storms through waving a piece of bleeding meat, followed by a pack of angry fan girls. "Come on girls, I think the 'Tired of the NJO' thread is this way.

Luke comes running up, "Hey I want in on this." The all head off and Mariah is torn.
Read fic's or follow?     

 Back at DullWay, the Chief DullWay Overlord and the LucasWhim Marketing Minion have their heads together again...
CDO: ?So, what?s next??
LMM: ?Well, we?re doing some spin-doctoring on the boards. We?ve got I. M.
Sanctimonious...?
CDO: ?That?s Salviating...?
LMM: Whatever. We?ve got him and the token femme du jour doing bad cop/good cop with the forum geeks in the ?Tired of NJO? thread.?
CDO: ?How?s it going??
LMM: ?Well, we ordered IMS to post on the boards and did our usual guarantee that the next poster would toady him in an embarrassingly obsequious way.?
CDO: ?Who posted??
LMM: ?Valet.?
CDO: (reading the post and wincing) ?Well, I know we ordered this, but he went a little
overboard, doncha think? Doesn?t this guy have any self-respect??
LMM: (patiently) ?He?s one of Darkly Preposterous?s 159 aliases.?
CDO: (brightening) ?Well, that explains that."
They drop in on the forum chat?

IMS: (to DewMomma, a charter member in the Extremist Cranks? Association) ?And what?s
more, you said I was your least favourite SW author!?
Dew: ?Huh? Like when??
IMS: ?A year and a half ago, your third post of the day, at 1300 hours, in the ?NJO Sucks Dead Donkeys? thread.?
Dew: (patiently) ?Well, actually Vonda Schmonda is my least favourite SW author.?
IMS: (pouting) ?I don?t believe you!?
Dew: ?No, really. You?re way too bland to be anybody?s worst?-I swear.?
IMS: ?Really??
Dew: ?Really. I mean it. You?re not really bad. Just completely generic.?
IMS: (sniffing) ?You mean it??
Dew: ?Cross my heart.?
IMS: (grudgingly) ?Well, okay then.?
Dew: (whispering to the other Cranks) ?Boy, is this guy anal or what??

LMM to CDO: ?Um, it?s not going as well as it might.?
CDO: (angrily) ?I can see that!?
LMM: ? Maybe we should get involved. Show those ink-stained wretches how it?s done...?
CDO: ?We could hardly do worse!? [be sure to remember this statement]
He signals Darkly to announce their presence.
Darkly Preposterous: ?And now, you unworthy peons, guess who?s gonna shine their radiance upon your lowly selves? Yes! The Chief DullWay Overlord and the LucasWhim Marketing Minion! Be sure to grovel!?
Princess Aleve (another charter member of the ECA): ?You grovel enough for the lot of us.?
Darkly: ?Bite me!?
P. Aleve: ?Not on your tintype, sweetheart. I hear hoof and mouth disease is contagious.?
CDO: (magisterially) ?Enough! Does anybody have any?ahem?questions??
Bjorn Borg (yet another charter member of the ECA): ?I?ll quote from Aniquest: ?Anakin?s frustration hijacked his lips...??
CDO: ?Yeah, so what??
Bjorn: ?Where do you find these hacks? Under rocks??
CDO: (impatiently) ?Well, who cares about the quality of the books??
Bjorn: ?Not you, obviously. I mean, shouldn?t any editor have caught something like that?"
CDO: (with an air of exaggerated patience) ?Editors are not supposed to edit books, you moron. They do spin-doctoring. Publicity stuff. Oh yeah, and prevent characters in the books from having sex.?
Bjorn: "What about violence?"
CDO: "Violence sells, my child. Gotta keep up with 'The Matrix', I mean, the Joneses..."
Emerald Flame: (another charter ECA member?to LMM) ?Well, tell us this. You?ve taken a
viable Star Wars franchise and turned it into sub-par Trek. What does that say about you??
LMM: (he?s trying to think but the novelty is overwhelming him) ?...Dunno...?
EF: (drily) ?Try hard.?
LMM: (he?s always eager to please) ?We?re complete dorkwads??
EF: (considering this) ?Add 'greedy' to that, and I think you?ve got it...?
The Cranks begin singing ?By George, I think you?ve got it!?* in harmony while the CDO, thoroughly incensed, drags LMM off the boards.

*with apologies to Lerner and Loewe






 

11.
Humorous Version Overlord: "Hello folks. Anakin has just been reunited with his first master -- Pinky Jerkit, the Energizer Bunny, Jedi Master. Who is this character and when did all this happen you ask? The six Junior Jedi Knights children's books. Anakin and Tahini went on adventures with Master Pinky. Because we here at the HV don't assume every reader is a completist, or every adult reader has read the children's books too, we just wanted you to know.

Anakin: (agitated) "Master Pinky! How did heck did you get into MY story."
Pinky: "Decided to use me, the writer did. Not fair to leave me out, he said. Happy, I am."
Anakin: "I was told they were just going to leave you out and not even mention you. I had a promise! How embarrassing..."
Pinky: "Just as surprised as you were, I was."
Anakin: (now exasperated) "But... They've just dropped you into the story. With no prep. Absolutely no prep I tell you!! The readers will be confused about who you are."
Pinky: "Perhaps. Sell the Essentially Worthless Chronology, they are trying to do. Look up my story in there, the readers can."
Anakin: "It is a good marketing strategy, isn't it?"
Pinky: "Shameless marketing strategy, it is. Great storytelling, it is not."
Anakin: (the hampster shows some signs of life) "Mmm. Maybe they can afford to get me a new leading lady after all."
Tahini: "Bite me! You're stuck with me. Live with it."
Anakin: (groans) "I see you're still walking around with no shoes."
Tahini: "Have you seen the shoes these days? Soles 6 inches thick! How ugly can they get? I tell you, it is all a devious male plot to slow us girls down. We can run away from them fast enough with those shoes."
Anakin: "Can't you ditch that stupid orange jumpsuit. You look like you are waiting for the Great Pumpkin."
Tahini: "I'll think about it. No promises though."
Anakin: "And why are you talking so strange Master?"
Pinky: "Write Yoda dialog, this writer wants to do. Important and wise, it makes me sound."
Anakin: "Makes sense to me."

(Anakin meets with the group -- BamBam SolarStar, Celine Tionne, Pinky and Tahini -- to give them the bad news and how things are going to play out.)

Anakin: "Lissen up. The Testosterone Brigade is coming down here to capture the kids."
Celine: "Why? I don't understand."
BamBam: "Because that's what cowardly bullies always do. Pick on the young and weak."
Anakin: "You wouldn't expect them to pick a fair fight, would you."
Celine: "No, I meant, I don't understand why are we stuck in this predicament."
Anakin: "Because Uncle Luke has been wimpified so much, it didn't occur to him to evacute the Academy earlier."
Celine: "I can't believe Master Luke would be so dumb."
BamBam: (hits his forehead with the palm of his hand) "Come to think of it, I don't know why I've been so stupid. I should have suggested evacuation to Luke."
Anakin: "Uncle Luke's been replaced by a Wimpy clone. All the older Jedi characters have been wimpified too."
Celine: "I don't understand."
Anakin: "I am the new hero, the newest savior of the galaxy. Get used to being dumber, not that it is a stretch for you, being a KJA character and all."
BamBam: "Watch your mouth there kid, that's my wife your talking about."
Anakin: "You're not much better either. Dark Empire II. That about says it all."

Celine: "We need a place to hide."
Tahini: "Let's hide them in the old abandoned Woolworth."
Anakin: "Good idea. Nobody goes there anymore. I'll stay behind to slow them down."
BamBam: "No, I'll stay behind and distract them."
Anakin: "Don't get ambitious on me here. This is my story, not yours. I am the hero. It says AniQuest on the title, not BamBamQuest."
Pinky: "Right, he is, Master BamBam. Stay with him, I will. Save the kids, you should."
BamBam: (resignedly) "All right."
Tahini: "Oh, no. I want to be part of the action. I am almost as old as you."
Anakin: "Then stop your whining."
Tahini: "I am not whining."
Anakin: "And stop acting like a baby."
Tahini: "I am not acting like a baby."
Anakin: "You sure loo 

13.

Anakin and Master "Pinky" Jerkit are busy prepping for the imminent invasion of the Testosterone Brigade. Anakin is in Jaina's old room at the Academy. Where else would he be tinkering with stuff?

Pinky: "*The* discussion, it is time for us to have, Anakin".
Anakin: "But Dad and I have already had *the* discussion."
Pinky: "Not what I meant, and you know it."
Anakin: "Why can't you just go away and leave me alone? This is MY book remember. I have more tinkering to do."
Pinky: "Here to help along your characterization, I am. Get you to talk."
Anakin: "I don't care about characterization."
Pinky: "Seem to agree with you, the NJO committee does."
Anakin: "And I am tired of talking. I want action sequences."
Pinky: "Call to you, the Dark Side does."
Anakin: "No way! I am not going dark."
Pinky: "Like the middle lane on I-95, the ruts to the Dark Side are worn deep. (sorry, local humor) Control you, it will."
Anakin: "Me going dark would be so predictable. My contract says I won't go dark."
Pinky: "Check the fine print, did you?"
Anakin: "What for?" (checks the fine print)
Contract terms can be changed with no prior notice or subsequent approval.)
Anakin: "What does this mean?"
Pinky: "Can change things at any time, it means. Send you to the Dark Side they will."
Anakin: (frustration hijacked Anakin's lips. <groan> Until he gets them back, he mutters an old movie line.) "Noooooooooooooooooooo! That's not true. That's impossible."
Pinky: (scratched out a long breath <groan again> scratching breath???) "Search your feelings, you know it will come true."
Anakin: (his hijacked lips haven't been returned yet, so he just moans). "Nnnooo, noooo, noooo."
Pinky: "Go ahead, jump out the window, end your misery and ours."
Anakin: (his hijacked lips have been returned) "No way. Time Out! Editor! Editor! Get down here!"
Editor: "Yes, NJO Chosen One?"
Anakin: "You aren't sending me to the Dark Side are you?"
Editor: "No NJO Chosen One."
Anakin: "Then what's this fine print in my contract?"
Editor: "It is standard in every contract. Pay it no mind. We never invoke it."
Anakin: "How do I know I won't end up being the first time?"
Editor: "We'd never do that to you NJO Chosen One. You are our bread and butter for the future."
Anakin: "Well, okay." (the editor disappears)
Pinky: "Lied to you she did."
Anakin: "How do you know? I didn't detect any deceit through the Force."
Pinky: "Don't need to Force to tell. When older you get, understand you finally will. Sell you out for the next big thing everytime, corporate interests will."
Anakin: "Why the heck are you so cynical, and why are you bothering me so much?"
Pinky: "To see something new born in you and Tahini, I am here to see."
Anakin: "Ewww. Don't even go there. Not on your life. You don't know how much that repels me. I can have any girl I want, why would I want her?"
Pinky: "A high opinion of yourself you have."
Anakin: "And why not? Eighty-two percent of forum geeks think I am the strongest, the best."
Pinky: "Easy to manipulate, they are. Not focused on the long term, are they."
Anakin: "You've got to be kidding me. Jacen, what a wimp. Jaina, no way, she's a non-entity."
Pinky: "Forgetting someone, aren't you?
Anakin: "The secret impending birth of my cousin? Having a 2-year old save the galaxy would put even KJA to shame. They'd never do that."
Pinky: "So certain are you?"

15.

Chuck: "Thank you for coming, Dyp Durron."
Dyp: "Whatever. What is this place? Who are you? What am I doing here?"
Chuck: "I am the guardian of all that is good about the EU; you may call me Chuck."
Dyp: "Okay . . . Chuck."
Chuck: "It has been decided that we will be taking back the EU from the evil DullWay and their D&D fantasy authors. It seems that DullWay never understood that Star Wars is both fantasy and science fiction. The mucho fantasy drivel they've been turning out has turned people off to the NJO, but what has angered these people even more is the apparent fact that Han, Leia, Mara and Luke are being written out of the series."
Dyp: "I see."
Chuck presses a button on his chair. "You will be provided with assistance for this mission."

A door slides open. "Please, step inside, Dyp."

Dyp walked beyond the doorway and was amazed by what he saw. He whistled and muttered, "Wow. What in tarnation! Will ya lookiee at all these new-fangled gadgets."

Computer: NJO intruder detected! NJO intruder detected! All troops to your battle-stations!

"So you are really a redneck," a voice said quietly. "I should have expected nothing less from the creative minds behind VP."

Dyp: "Who are you?"
Mystery Man: "They sure don't make you cheap, rip-off facsimilies intelligent, do they?"
Dyp: "Well, we all have to be stupid so the Solo kids can be seen as the genuises the DW Overlords have demanded they be."
MM: "We have been made aware of this fact and it distresses us deeply." MM stepped out from the shadows.
Dyp: "Gosh dang it! I must be in one of those funny house things with those funny mirror things that Betty-Sue looks thin in."

Kyp Durron bit his lower lip as he restrained the desire to fry Dyp here and now. "This is not an amusement park you inbred oaf. I am Kyp Durron, the character whom you are a cheap rip-off of."

Dyp took his mask off. "Well, I'm not really Dyp Durron. My name is Billy-Bob-Sue and I'm from Alabama."

Kyp's lip twisted in disgust. "Are you aware you have three eyes?"
Dyp: "Well, my grandmother-aunt-uncle-pappy told me about that. But I'm the most attractive member of my family. I have my wallet with me. Wanna see pictures?"
Kyp: No.  

Kyp shook his head in dismay. "Just put your mask back on. You make my head hurt."
Dyp: "Okay."
Kyp: Everyone is over here.
Dyp: Who are all these people?
Kyp: These are the Bantam personas of maligned, under-utlized or just plain ignored characters within the NJO.
Dyp: Where are Luke, Han, Leia and Mara?
Kyp: They're on a special mission. We are making contact with an ally who you shall soon meet in a manner of speaking.

Suddenly Dyp spotted someone and he lunged across the table. "I'll strangle ya! And I'll choke you too!"
Kyp: ~sighs~ "You will be polite, Dyp. Now get off the table."
Dyp: But she's bad.
Kyp: ~zaps Dyp with Force lightning~
Daala: Get this half-wit away from me. And get him a dictionary while you're at it.
Kyp: You will cooporate, Dyp, or else. I don't have to ask Admiral Pellaeon to put on the complete set of Palpatine's home movies for your viewing pleasure, do I?
Dyp: That won't be necessary. I'll behave. And I'll be good too.
Daala: Stop that you moron. Behave and being good, in the context you used it, are synonyms. They mean the same thing.
Pellaeon: Incidentially, there are 40 hours of home movies.
Dyp: I'm the smartest guy in my family, lady.

Having head that all those seated around the table groaned and banged their heads on the table.

Parck: This creature is a waste of amino acids. I say we get rid of it.
Daala: I second that motion. And do not call me lady. Admiral Daala will do quite nicely.
Dyp: Whatever you say, Commodore.
Daala: That's Admiral!
Kyp: Enough! It has been proven that Dyp's IQ is lower than the number of times that Luke and Mara have had sex.
At that the room erupts in laughter.
Kyp: Now let us proceed with our plan. ~Kyp hits a switch~ "You are on speaker-phone."
Luke: Can you guys here me all right?
Pellaeon: You're coming in loud and clear.
Luke: Okay. Well, we've arrived on Cobra Island. This serpent guy doesn't want to help us out. The guy in the blue uniform with the face-mask is all for helping us out--he just kept whining on and on about something called Cobra-La and how it should never happen to another franchise ever again.
Leia: And this doctor with a monacle is all for helping us.
Han: As is the guy with the metal head.
Kyp: Excellent. Why doesn't the serpent guy want to help us?
Mara: He kept saying 'And this I command!' too many times to count. And he kept going on about how he's an emperor.
Pellaeon: An emperor? I don't like the sound of that.
Kyp: I agree. He must be eliminated.
Mara: Well, that's the best part. The guy in the blue uniform and the face-mask was practically begging us to kill the serpent guy.
Kyp: Take him up on his offer, then. HQ out.
 

17.

On Cobra Island . . .

Serpentor: Cobra shall have nothing to do with this endeavour. This I command!
Luke: Please, just hear us out . . .
Cobra Commander: Yes, go on.
Destro(aside to Dr. Mindbender): You should take the Emperor aside. Taking control over George Lucas' empire is something that would be of great value to Cobra.
Dr. M: Yes, Destro. You are right, and he is impatient enough to not want to pursue such a worthwhile objective. ~Dr. Mindbender gets out of his seat and walks towards the head of the table and Serpentor~
Leia: What we are looking for is an alliance. Together, we can destroy the Yub-Yub Pong and destroy the DullWay marketing gimmickers.
Destro: What would become of DullWay?
Han: We don't care. Just as long as they never again publish a Star Wars novel.
Dr. M: (whispering to Serpentor) This is just the break we need, all powerful Serpentor. Let the Commander handle this--it could be his new busy-work project.
Serpentor: Cobra Commander shall be in charge of this operation. This I command! ~with that, Serpentor leaves the room~
CC: Now that the dim-witted primadonna has left the room, let us get down to business. How many strike forces will you need?
Mara: Two at least. One to attack and occupy DullWay's offices in New York City and the second to attack and occupy LucasWhim HQ out in California.
CC: We'll put the strike packages together and get back to you.
Leia: Thank you, Cobra Commander.
Destro: No, thank you.
Luke: Guess we might as well be going now.

~FF~

They arrive back home just in time to see Kyp throttling the life out of Dyp.
Kyp: I have grown tired of your stupidity, Dyp.
Dyp: But it tried to attack me! I was only defending myself.
Kyp: But it was only a Mouse Droid. It has no weapons.
Dyp: ~cries~ But it could have injured me toots.
Kyp: Toots?
Dyp: Yeah. Those things at the end of your foots.
Kyp: ~sighs~ I feel another headache coming on.   
 Luke: Kyp! What are you doing! You know we need that oaf alive.
Kyp: ~sneering~ You try putting up with Dyp for several hours and see if you don't want to kill him.
Daala: Crack his skull open, Kyp!
Kyp: ~he releases his grip on Dyp's collar and steps back~ As much as I'd love to finish the job, Luke's right. He cannot be killed, until ...
Pellaeon: No don't say it!
Kyp: He cannot be killed until I become him.       

Last edited by study3600 (8/15/2024 8:57 pm)

19.

The following is a public service announcement from the Humorous Version Overlord:

Dearest Readers,
We here at Conquest: The Humorous Version would first like to thank you for your ongoing appreciation of our work thus far and also address one concern that pops up from time to time in these humorous threads; our irregular production schedule.

The contributors to this thread post sporadically and only when the muse is with them. We could try to get our writers on a regular, more commercial schedule like the corporate publishers use but we are sure the story would suffer as a result. I?m sure all of us can think of recent examples where this has been the case!

So, in order to provide you with the highest quality of cynical, caustic humor possible, we have decided to continue with our proven unstructured approach.

We thank you for your patience and consideration in this matter.

-- The Humorous Version Overlord